The MisreadBible: GenesisA collection of twisted Bible tales from the warped mind of J. R. Eldridge, taking the reader on a journey from the creation of the universe to the arrival of the Israelites in Egypt in this blasphemously funny collection. A lonely deity creates the universe in his mother's basement and makes a little clay man who falls in love with his own rib. After the humans engage in some freaky angel sex, God decides to flood the entire world, saving only a drunkard called Noah and his family. Once the humans have repopulated the Earth, God chooses one man called Abram, drags him from his home in the middle of the night, changes his name, and then tells him to kill his son, forming an everlasting covenant with him and his descendants. Later, Jacob steals his brother's birthmark, boinks his cousins, and comes up with an innovative way to breed sheep. He fathers a dozen kids including Joseph, whose brothers get tired of his dreams of grandeur and sell him to some shapeshifting Ishmaelites who take him to Egypt. |
Contents
Introduction | 1 |
Adam and Eve | 3 |
Noahs Arc | 19 |
Abraham | 41 |
Isaac | 83 |
Jacob | 97 |
Joseph | 125 |
And Now for Something Completely Twitter | 173 |
Common terms and phrases
Abimelech Abram Aholibamah altar Anah angel animals Anyway asked bastards Beersheba Benjamin Bethel Bilhah blessed blood brothers buried Cain camels Canaan Canaanite cave Cave of Machpelah cried daughter dead decided declared Dinah Dishon donkeys dream Earth Egypt Egyptians Ephron Esau exclaimed famine father foreskin fuck gave Genesis give goat going Hagar Hamor Haran Hittites Ichabod Isaac Ishmael Israel Joseph Judah kids kill Laban land Leah lived looked LORD appeared Mariasha married named night Noah Noah's Oholah Okay Pharaoh Phinehas pissed Potiphar pregnant Rachel Rebekah Rebel Alliance replied Jacob Reuben sack Sarah Sarai saying scolded screamed Sea-Monkeys Seir seven Shechem sheep shit sighed Simeon sister slave sleep Sodom sons called spat started steal sure Tamar Tanakh tell There's told took tree Wait weird What's wife wives woman Yeah yelled Zibeon Zilpah