SCENE I.-GAYLESS's lodgings. ACT I. Enter GAYLESS and SHARP. Shap. How, sir, shall you be married to-morrow! eh? I'm afraid you joke with your poor humble servant. Gay. I tell thee, Sharp, last night Melissa consented, and fixed to-morrow for the happy day. Sharp. "Tis well she did, sir, or it might have been a dreadful one for us in our present condition: all your money spent; your moveables sold; your honour almost ruined, and your humble servant almost starved; we could not possibly have stood it two days longer-But if this young lady will marry you, and relieve us, o' my conscience I'll turn friend to the sex, rail no more at matrimony, but curse the whores, and think of a wife myself. Gay. And yet, Sharp, when I think how I have imposed upon her, I am almost resolved to throw myself at her feet, tell her the real situation of my affairs, ask her pardon, and implore her pity. Sharp. After marriage, with all my heart, sir; but don't let your conscience and honour so far get the better of your poverty and good sense, as to rely on so great uncertainty as a fine lady's mercy and good-nature. Gay. I know her generous temper, and am almost persuaded to rely upon it. What! because I am poor, shall I abandon my honour? Sharp. Yes, you must, sir, or abandon me, So, pray, discharge one of us; for eat I must, and speedily too: and you know very well, that that honour of yours will neither introduce you to a great man's table, nor get me credit for a single beef-steak. Gay. What can I do? Sharp. Nothing, while honour sticks in your throat. Do, gulp, master, and down with it. Gay. Pr'ythee leave me to my thoughts. Sharp. Leave you! No, not in such bad company, I'll assure you. Why, you must certainly be a very great philosopher, sir, to moralize and declaim so charmingly as you do, about honour and conscience, when your doors are beset with bailiffs, and not one single guinea in your pocket to bribe the villains. Gay. Don't be witty, and give your advice, sirrah. Sharp. Do you be wise, and take it, sir. But, to be serious, you certainly have spent your fortune, and out-lived your credit, as your pockets and my belly can testify. Your father has disowned you; all your friends forsook you, except myself, who am starving with you. Now, sir, if you marry this young lady, who, as yet, thank Heaven, knows nothing of your misfortunes, and by that means procure a better fortune than that you have squandered away, make a good husband, and turn economist, you still may be happy, may still be sir William's heir, and the lady too no loser by the bargain. There's reason and argument, sir. Gay. Twas with that prospect I first made love to her; and, though my fortune has been ill spent, I have at least purchased discretion with it. very persons who led me to my ruin, partook of my prosperity, and professed the greatest friendship. Sharp. [Without.]-Upon my word, Mrs. Kitty, my master's not at home. Kitty. [Without.]-Look'e, Sharp, I must and will see him. Gay. Ha! What do I hear? Melissa's maid; What has brought her here? My poverty has made her my enemy, too-She is certainly come with no good intent-No friendship there without fecs-She's coming up stairs-What must I do? I'll get into this closet and listen. [Exit GAYLESS. Enter SHARP and KITTY. Kitty. I must know where he is; and will know, too, Mr. Impertinence. Sharp. Pray, then, convince me of that, sir, and make no more objections to the marriage.You see I am reduced to my waistcoat already; and when necessity has undressed me from top to toe, she must begin with you, and then we Kitty. But I know you will lie abominably; shall be forced to keep house and die by inches.therefore, don't trifle with me. I come from Look you, sir, if you won't resolve to take my my mistress, Melissa: you know, I suppose, advice, while you have one coat to your back, I what's to be done to-morrow morning? must e'en take to my heels while I have strength to rup, and something to cover me. So, sir, wishing you much comfort and consolation with your bare conscience, I am your most obedient and half-starved friend and servant. [Going. Sharp. Not of me ye won't.-[Aside.]—He's not within, I tell you, Mrs. Kitty; I don't know myself. Do you think I can conjure? Gay. Hold, Sharp! You won't leave me? Sharp. I must eat, sir; by my honour and appetite, I must. Gay. Well, then, I am resolved to favour the cheat; and as I shall quite change my former course of life, happy may be the consequences: at least of this I am sure Sharp. That you can't be worse than you are at present. Gay. [A knocking without].-Who's there? Sharp. Some of your former good friends, who favoured you with money at fifty per cent. and helped you to spend it, and are now become daily memento's to you of the folly of trusting rogues, following whores, and laughing at my advice. Gay. Cease your impertinence! To the door! If they are duns, tell them my marriage is now certainly fixed; and persuade them still to forbear a few days longer, and keep my circumstances a secret, for their sakes as well as my own. Sharp. O never fear it, sir: they still have so much friendship for you, as not to desire your ruin to their own disadvantage. Gay. And, do you hear, Sharp, if it should be any body from Melissa, say I am not at home; lest the bad appearance we make here, should make them suspect something to our disadvantage. Sharp. I'll obey you, sir; but I am afraid they will easily discover the consumptive situation of our affairs, by my chop-fallen countenance. [Exit SHARP. Gay. These very rascals, who are now continually dunning and persecuting me, were the Sharp. Ay; and to-morrow night too, girl. Kitty. Not if I can help it.-[Aside.]—But come, where is your master? For see him I must. Sharp. Pray, Mrs. Kitty, what's your opinion of this match between my master and your mistress? Kitty. Why, I have no opinion of it at all; and yet most of our wants will be relieved by it, too: for instance, now, your master will get a good fortune; that's what I'm afraid he wants: my mistress will get a husband; that's what she has wanted for some time; you will have the pleasure of my conversation, and I an opportunity of breaking your head for your impertinence. Sharp. Madam, I am your most humble servant. But I'll tell you what, Mrs. Kitty, I am positively against the match: for was I man of my master's fortune Kitty. You'd marry if you could, and mend it -Ha, ha, ha! Pray, Sharp, where does your master's estate lie? Gay. Oh, the devil, what a question was there! [Aside. Sharp. Lie! Lie! Why, it lies-faith, I can't name any particular place; it lies in so many.— His effects are divided, some here, some there; his steward hardly knows himself. Kitty. Scattered, scattered, I suppose. But, hark'e, Sharp, what's become of your furniture? You seem to be a little bare here at present. Gay. What, has she found out that, too? [Aside. Sharp. Why, you must know, as soon as the wedding was fixed, my master ordered me to remove his goods into a friend's house, to make room for a ball which he designs to give here the day after the marriage. Kitty. The luckiest thing in the world! For my mistress designs to have a ball and entertainment here, to-night, before the marriage; and that's my business with your master. Sharp. The devil it is! [Aside. Kitty. She'll not have it public; she designs to invite only eight or ten couple of friends. Sharp. No more? Kitty. No more: and she ordered me to desire your master not to make a great entertainment. Sharp. Oh, never fear——— Kitty. Ten or a dozen little nice things, with some fruit, I believe, will be enough in all conscience. Sharp. Oh, curse your conscience! [Aside. Kitty. And what do you think I have done of my own head? Sharp. What! Kitty. I have invited all my lord Stately's servants to come and see you, and have a dance in the kitchen: Won't your master be surprised? Sharp. Much so indeed! Kitty. Well, be quick, and find out your master, and make what haste you can with your preparations: you have no time to lose. Pr'ythee, Sharp, what's the matter with you? I have not seen you for some time, and you seem to look a little thin. Sharp. Oh my unfortunate face ![Aside.] I'm in pure good health, thank you, Mrs. Kitty and I'll assure you I've a very good stomach; never better in all my life; and I am as full of vigour, hussy-▬▬▬▬ [Offers to kiss her. Kitty. What, with that face; Well, bye, bye, [Going.]-Oh, Sharp, what ill-looking fellows are those, were standing about your door when I came in? They want your master too, I suppose? Sharp. Hum! Yes; they are waiting for him. They are some of his tenants out of the country, that want to pay him some money. Kitty. Tenants! What, do you let his tenants stand in the street? Sharp. They choose it: as they seldom come to town, they are willing to see as much of it as they can, when they do; they are raw, ignorant, honest people. Kitty. Well, I must run home, farewell-but do you hear, get something substantial for us in the kitchen- —a ham, a turkey, or what you will—– we'll be very merry; and be sure to remove the tables and chairs away there too, that we may have room to dance: I cannot bear to be con Gay. We are certainly undone! Sharp. That's no news to me. Gay. Eight or ten couple of dancers-ten or a dozen little nice dishes, with some fruit-my lord Stately's servants-ham and turkey! Sharp. Say no more! the very sound creates an appetite; and I am sure of late I have had no occasion for whetters and provocatives. Gay. Cursed misfortune! What can we do? Sharp. Hang ourselves. I sce no other remedy, except you have a receipt to give a ball and a supper, without meat or music. Gay. Melissa has certainly heard of my bad circumstances, and has invented this scheme to distress me, and break off the match. Sharp. I don't believe it, sir; begging your pardon. Gay. No? Why did her maid, then, make so strict an inquiry into my fortune and affairs? Sharp. For two very substantial reasons: the first, to satisfy a curiosity natural to her as a woman; the second, to have the pleasure of my conversation, very natural to her as a woman of taste and understanding. : Gay. Pr'ythee, be more serious is not our all at stake? Sharp. Yes, sir; and that all of ours is of so little consequence, that a man, with a very small share of philosophy, may part from it without much pain or uneasiness. However, sir, I'll convince you, in half an hour, that Mrs. Melissa knows nothing of your circumstances; and I'll tell you what too, sir, she shan't be here to-night, and yet you shall marry her to-morrow morning. Gay. How, how, dear Sharp? Sharp. 'Tis here, here, sir! Warm, warm; and delays will cool it: therefore, I'll away to her, and do you be as merry as love and poverty will permit you. Would you succeed, a faithful friend depute, I am the man! and I hope you neither dispute, gone. [Ereunt. fined in my French dances; tal, lal, lal-[Danc-at ing.]-Well, adieu! Without any compliment, I shall die if I don't see you soon. [Exit KITTY. Sharp. And, without any compliment, I pray Heaven you may! Enter GAYLESS. Kitty. But very easy to be explained. Mel. Prithee, explain it, then; nor keep me longer in suspence. [They look for some time sorrowful at each and ears in love, you other. Gay. Oh, Sharp! Sharp. Oh, master! Kitty. The affair is this, madam: Mr. Gayles is over head and ears in debt: you are over head will him to-morrow marry the next day your whole fortune goes to his cre ditors, and you and your children are to live comfortably upon the remainder. Mel. I cannot think him base. Kitty. But I know they are all base. You are very young, and very ignorant of the sex; I am young, too, but have had more experience: You never was in love before; I have been in love with an hundred, and tried them all; and know them to be a parcel of barbarous, perjured, deluding, bewitching devils. Mel. The low wretches you have had to do with, may answer the character you give them; but Mr. Gayless madam. Kitty. Is a man, Mel. I hope so, Kitty, or I would have no- tell you. thing to do with him. Kitty. With all my heart -I have given you my sentiments upon the occasion, and shall leave you to your own inclinations. Mel. Oh, madam, I am much obliged to you for your great condescension-ha, ha, ha! flowever, I have so great a regard for your opinion, that had I certain proofs of his villainy Kitty. Of his poverty, you may have a hundred: I am sure, I have had none to the contrary. [Aside. Mel. Oh, there the shoe pinches ! Kitty. Nay, so far from giving me the usual perquisites of my place, he has not so much as kept me in temper with little endearing civilities; and one might reasonably expect, when a man is deficient in one way, that he should make it up in another. [Knocking without. Mel. See who is at the door. [Exit KITTY.] I must be cautious how I hearken too much to this girl. Her bad opinion of Mr. Gayless seems to arise from his disregard of her. Enter SHARP and KITTY. --So, Sharp, have you found your master? Will things be ready for the ball and entertainment? Sharp. To your wishes, madam. I have just now bespoke the music and supper, and wait now for your ladyship's farther commands. Mel. Don't trifle with me. Sharp. Then, since you will have it, madam-I lost my coat in defence of your reputation. Mel. In defence of my reputation! Sharp. I will assure you, madam, I've suffered very much in defence of it; which is more than I would have done for my own. Mel. Pr'ythee, explain! Sharp. In short, madam, you was seen about a month ago to make a visit to my master alone. Mel. What, did you say nothing else? Did not you convince her of her error and impertinence? Sharp. She swore to such things, that I could do nothing but swear and call names; upon which, out bolts her husband upon me with a fine [Aside. I taper crab in his hand, and fell upon me with such violence, that, being half delirious, I made | him you are very much out of order-that you a full confession. were suddenly taken with the vapours or qualms, or what you please, madam. Mel. A full confession! What did you confess? Sharp. That my master loved fornicationthat you had no aversion to it-that Mrs. Kitty was a bawd, and your humble servant a pimp. Kitty. A bawd! a bawd! Do I look like a bawd, madam ? Sharp. And so, madam, in the scuffle, my coat was torn to pieces, as well as your reputa tion. Mel. And so you joined to make me infamous? Mel. I'll leave it to you, Sharp, to make my apology; and there's half a guinea for you to help your invention. Sharp. Half-a-guinea! 'Tis so long since I had any thing to do with money, that I scarcely know the current coin of my own country.Oh, Sharp, what talents hast thou! to secure thy master, deceive his mistress, outlie her chambermaid, and yet be paid for thy honesty! But my joy will discover me. [Aside.] Madam, you have eternally fixed Timothy Sharp, your most obedient humble servant- -Oh the delights of impudence, and a good understanding! [Exit SHARP. Kitty. Ha, ha, ha! was there ever such a ly Sharp. For Heaven's sake, madam, what could I do? His proofs fell so thick upon me, as witness my head [Shewing his head plaistered.], that I would have given up all the maidenheads in the kingdom, rather then have my brains beating varlet! with his slugs and his broad swords to a jelly. Mel. Very well! but I'll be revengeddid not you tell your master of this? his attorneys, and broken heads, and nonsense! -And | Well, madam, are you satisfied now? Do you want more proofs ? Sharp. Tell him! No, madam. Had I told him, his love is so violent for you, that he would certainly have murdered half the attornics in town by this time. Mel. Very well! But I am resolved not to go to your master's to-night. Sharp. Heavens and my impudence be praised! [Aside. are not Kitty. Why not, madam? If you guilty, face your accusers. Shap. Oh the devil! ruined again! [Aside.] To be sure, face them by all means, madamThey can but be abusive, and break the windows a little-Besides, madam, I have thought of a way to make this affair quite diverting to youI have a fine blunderbuss, charged with half a hundred slugs, and my master has a delicate large Swiss broad sword; and between us, madam, we shall so pepper and slice them, that you will die with laughing. Mel. What, at murder? Kitty. Don't fear, madam; there will be no murder if Sharp's concerned. Sharp. Murder, madam! 'Tis self-defence.Besides, in these sort of skirmishes, there are never more than two or three killed: for, supposing they bring the whole body of militia upon us, down but with a brace of them, and away fly the rest of the covey. Mel. Persuade me ever so much, I won't go; that's my resolution. Kitty. Why, then, I'll tell you what, madam; since you are resolved not to go to the supper, suppose the supper was to come to you? 'Tis a great pity such preparations as Mr. Sharp has made should be thrown away. Sharp. So it is, as you say, Mrs. Kitty. But I can immediately ruu back, and unbespeak what I have ordered; 'tis soon done. Mel. But then, what excuse can I send to your master? he'll be very uneasy at my not coming. Sharp. Oh, terribly so! but I have it-I'll tell Mel. Of your modesty I do: But, I find you are resolved to give me none. Kitty. Madam! Mil. I see through your little mean artifice : you are endeavouring to lessen Mr. Gayless in my opinion, because he has not paid you for services he had no occasion for. Kitty. Pay me, madam! I ain sure I have very little occasion to be angry with Mr. Gayless for not paying me, when I believe 'tis his general practice. Mel. 'Tis false! he's a gentleman, and a man of honour, and you are Kitty. Not in love, I thank Heaven! |