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Serjeant — Then I'll make one myself; Aut inveniam, aut faciam, has been always my motto. The charge must be made for partnership profit, by bartering lead and gunpowder against money, watches, and rings, on Epping Forest, Hounslow Heath, and other parts of the kingdom.
Jack— He says if the court should get scent of the scheme, the parties would all stand committed.
Serjeant — Cowardly rascal! but however, the caution mayn't prove amiss. [Aside.] I'll not put my own name to the bill.
Jack — The declaration, too, is delivered in the cause of Roger Rapp'em against Sir Solomon Simple.
Serjeant — What, the affair of the note ?
Serjeant — Why, he is clear that his client never gave such a note.
Jack — Defendant never saw plaintiff since the hour he was born; but notwithstanding, they have three witnesses to prove a consideration and signing the note.
Serjeant — They have!
Serjeant - Tell him Simple must acknowledge the note Jack starts]; and bid him against the trial comes on, to procure four persons at least to prove the payment at the Crown and Anchor, the roth of December.
Jack — But then how comes the note to remain in plaintiff's possession ?
Serjeant — Well put, Jack: but we have a salvo for that; plaintiff happened not to have the note in his pocket, but promised to deliver it up when called thereunto by defendant.
Jack — That will do rarely.
Serjeant — Let the defense be a secret; for I see we have able people to deal with. But come, child, not to lose time, have you carefully conned those instructions I gave you ?
Jack — Yes, sir.
Serjeant — Well, that we shall see. How many points are the great object of practice ?
Jack — Two.
Jack — The first is to put a man into possession of what is his right.
Serjeant — The second ?
Jack — Either to deprive a man of what is really his right, or to keep him as long as possible out of possession.
Serjeant — Good boy! To gain the last end, what are the best means to be used ?
Jack — Various and many are the legal modes of delay.
Jack - Injunctions, demurrers, sham pleas, writs of error, rejoinders, sur-rejoinders, rebutters, sur-rebutters, re-plications, exceptions, essoigns, and imparlance.
Serjeant [to himself] – Fine instruments in the hands of a man who knows how to use them. But now, Jack, we come to the point: if an able advocate has his choice in a cause, which if he is in reputation he may readily have, which side should he choose, the right or the wrong?
Jack — A great lawyer's business is always to make choice of the wrong
Serjeant — And prithee, why so ?
Jack — Because a good cause can speak for itself, whilst a bad one demands an able counselor to give it a color.
Serjeant — Very well. But in what respects will this answer to the lawyer himself ?
Jack — In a twofold way. Firstly, his fees will be large in proportion to the dirty work he is to do.
Serjeant — Secondly?
Jack — His reputation will rise, by obtaining the victory in a desperate cause.
Serjeant — Right, boy. Are you ready in the case of the cow ?
Jack — First of April, anno seventeen hundred and blank, John a-Nokes was indicted by blank, before blank, in the county of blank, for stealing a cow, contra pacem, etc., and against the statute in that case provided and made, to prevent stealing of cattle.
Serjeant — Go on.
Jack — Motion in arrest of judgment, made by Counselor Puzzle. First, because the field from whence the cow was conveyed is laid in the indictment as round, but turned out upon proof to be square.
Serjeant — That's well. A valid objection.
Jack — Secondly, because in said indictment the color of the cow is called red; there being no such things in rerum natura as red cows, no more than black lions, spread eagles, flying griffins, or blue boars.
Serjeant — Well put.
Jack— Thirdly, said Nokes has not offended against form of the statute; because stealing of cattle is there provided against: whereas we are only convicted of stealing a cow. Now, though cattle may be cows, yet it does by no means follow that cows must be cattle.
Serjeant — Bravo, bravo! buss me, you rogue; you are your father's own son! go on and prosper. I am sorry, dear Jack, I must leave thee. If Providence but sends thee life and health, I prophesy thou wilt wrest as much land from the owners, and save as many thieves from the gallows, as any practitioner since the days of King Alfred.
Jack — I'll do my endeavor. [Exit Serjeant.]
A MISFORTUNE IN ORTHOGRAPHY
From “The Lame Lover)
IR LUKE — A pox o' your law; you make me lose sight of my
story. One morning a Welsh coach-maker came with his
bill to my lord, whose name was unluckily Lloyd. My lord had the man up: “You are called, I think, Mr. Lloyd ? ” — "At your Lordship's service, my lord.” — “What, Lloyd with an L ? » - "It was with an L indeed, my lord.” — “Because in your part of the world I have heard that Lloyd and Floyd were synonymous, the very same names.” – “Very often indeed, my Lord.”
- « But you always spell yours with an L?” – "Always.” — « That, Mr. Lloyd, is a little unlucky; for you must know I am now paying my debts alphabetically, and in four or five years you might have come in with an F; but I am afraid I can give you no hopes for your L. Ha, ha, ha!”
FROM THE (MEMOIRS)
A PHYSICIAN of Bath told him that he had a mind to publish A his own poems; but he had so many irons in the fire he
did not well know what to do. « Then take my advice, doctor,” said Foote, “and put your poems where your irons are.”
THE RETORT COURTEOUS Following a man in the street, who did not bear the best of characters, Foote slapped him familiarly on the shoulder, thinking he was an intimate friend. On discovering his mistake he cried out, “Oh, sir, I beg your pardon! I really took you for a gentleman who — »
“Well, sir,” said the other, “and am I not a gentleman ?”
« Nay, sir,” said Foote, if you take it in that way, I must only beg your pardon a second time.”
ON GARRICK'S STATURE
PREVIOUSLY to Foote's bringing out his Primitive Puppet Show' at the Haymarket Theatre, a lady of fashion asked him, “Pray, sir, are your puppets to be as large as life ? »
"Oh dear, madam, no. Not much above the size of Garrick ! »
Being at the dinner-table one day when the Cape was going round in remarkably small glasses, his host was very profuse on the excellence of the wine, its age, etc. “But you don't seem to relish it, Foote, by keeping your glass so long before you."
“Oh, yes, my lord, perfectly well. I am only admiring how little it is, considering its great age.”
OF AN actress who was remarkably awkward with her arms, Foote said that she kept the Graces at arm's-length.”
OF A young gentleman who was rather backward in paying his debts, he said he was “a very promising young gentleman."
AFFECTATION AN ASSUMING, pedantic lady, boasting of the many books which she had read, often quoted Locke Upon Understanding,' a work she said she admired above all things, yet there was one word in it which, though often repeated, she could not distinctly make out; and that was the word ide-a (pronouncing it very long): « but I suppose it comes from a Greek derivation.”
«You are perfectly right, madam,” said Foote, “it comes from the word ideaousky.”
“And pray, sir, what does that mean?” « The feminine of idiot, madam.”
ARITHMETICAL CRITICISM A MERCANTILE man of his acquaintance, who would read a poem of his to him one day after dinner, pompously began:
«Hear me, O Phæbus! and ye Muses nine !
Pray be attentive.” “I am,” said Foote. “Nine and one are ten: go on."
THE DEAR WIFE A GENTLEMAN just married, telling Foote that he had that morning laid out three thousand pounds in jewels for his dear wife”: “Well,” said the other, "you have but done her justice, as by your own reckoning she must be a very valuable woman.”
GARRICK AND THE GUINEA Foote and Garrick, supping together at the Bedford, the former in pulling out his purse to pay the reckoning dropped a guinea, which rolled in such a direction that they could not readily find it.
«Where the deuce,” says Foote, “can it be gone to ?” «Gone to the Devil, I suppose,” said Garrick.
“Well said, David; you are always what I took you for, ever contriving to make a guinea go farther than any other man.”