Catch. I get up to the point of law. And though, sir, I am bred to the business, I can't say I am prepared for this question. But though this usquebaugh, as a dram, may not (by name) be subject to a duty, yet it is my opinion, or rather belief, it will be considered, as in the case of horses, to come under the article of dried goods. But I move, that another day this point be debated. Slaugh. I second the motion. [CATCHPOLE gives a paper to the President. who reads it.] Pre. Here your motion. 'That it be debated next Thursday, Whether the dram, usquebaugh, is subject to a particular duty; or, as the case of horses, to be considered under the article of dried goods? All. Agreed, agreed! Slaugh. Sir, I declare it, at the bare hearing of this here motion, I am all over in a sweat. For my part, I can't think what gentlemen mean by talking in that there manner; not but I likes that every man should deliver his mind; I does mine; it has been ever my way; and when a member opposes me, I like him the better for it; its right; I am pleased; he can't please me more; it is as it should be; and though I differ from the honourable gentleman in the flannel night-cap over the way, yet I am pleased to hear him say what he thinks; for, sir, as I said, it is always my rule to say what I think, right or wrong. [A loud laugh.] Ay, ay, gentlemen you may laugh; with all my heart, I am used to it, I don't mind it a farthing: but, sir, with regard to that there motion, I entirely agree with my worthy friend with the pewter pot at his mouth. Now, sir, I would fain ask any gentle- Foote. And now, ladies and gentlemen, having man this here question: Can any thing in na- produced to you glaring proofs of our great ability ture be more natural for an Englishman than in every species of oratory; having manifested, porter? I declare, Mr. President, I think it the in the persons of our pupils, our infinite address most wholesomest liquor in the world. But if in conveying our knowledge to others, we shall it must be a change, let us change it for rum, a close our morning's lecture, instituted for the wholesome palatable liquor, a liquor that-in public good, with a proposal for the particular short, Mr. President, I don't know such a liquor. improvement of individuals. We are ready to Ay, gentlemen may stare: I say, and I say it give private instructions to any reverend gentleupon my conscience, I don't know such a liquor. man, in his probationary sermon for the lectureBesides, I think there is in this here affair, a ship! to young barristers who have causes to point of law, which I shall leave to the consi-open, or motions to make; to all candidates for deration of the learned; and for that there reason, I shall take up no more of your time. [He sits down, CATCHPOLE gets up. Pre. Mr. Catchpole. the sock or buskin; or to the new members of any of those oratorical societies, with which this metropolis is at present so plentifully stocked. [Exeunt omnes. Sir Jac. Roger! Enter ROGER. Rog. Anan, sir? Sir Jac. Sir, sirrah! and why not Sir Jacob, you rascal? Is that all your manners? Has his Majesty dubbed me a knight for you to make me a mister? Are the candidates near upon coming? Rog. Nic Goose, the tailor from Putney, they say, will be here in a crack, Sir Jacob. Sir Jac. Has Margery fetched in the linen? Rog. Yes, Sir Jacob. Sir Jac. Are the pigs and the poultry locked up in the barn ? Rog. Safe, Sir Jacob. Sir Jac. And the plate and spoons in the pantry? Rog. Yes, Sir Jacob. Sir Jac. Then give me the key: the mob will soon be upon us and all is fish that comes to their net. Has Ralph laid the cloth in the hall? Rog. Yes, Sir Jacob. Sir Jac. Then let him bring out the turkey and chine, and be sure there is plenty of mustard; and d'ye hear, Roger? do you stand yourself at the gate, and be careful who you let in. Rog. I will, Sir Jacob. [Erit ROGER. Sir Jac. So, now I believe things are pretty secure ; but I can't think what makes my daughters so late are they Who is that, Roger? [Knocking at the gate. Lint. Fictitious, Sir Jacob! Lint. Why, I come, Sir Jacob, partly to in-signed it. quire after your health, and partly, as I may say, to settle the business of the day. Sir Jac. What business? Lint. Your worship knoweth, this being the day of election, the rabble may be riotous; in which case, maims, bruises, contusions, dislocations, fractures simple and compound, may likely ensue: now, your worship need not be told, that I am not only a pharmacopolist, or vender of drugs, but likewise chirurgeon, or healer of wounds. Sir Jac. True, master Lint, and equally skilful in both. Lint. It is your worship's pleasure to say so, Sir Jacob. Is it your worship's will that I lend a ministring hand to the maimed? Sir Jac. By all means. Lint. And to whom must I bring in my bill? Lint. Your worship knows, that kill or cure, I have contracted to physic the parish-poor by the great: but this must be a separate charge. Sir Jac. No, no; all under one; come, master Lint, don't be unreasonable. Lint. Indeed, Sir Jacob, I can hardly afford it. What with the dearness of drugs, and the number of patients the peace has procured me, I can't get salt to my porridge. Sir Jac. Bad this year, better the next.-We must take things rough and smooth as they run. Lint. Indeed, I have a very hard bargain. Sir Jac. No such matter: we are, neighbour Lint, a little better instructed. Formerly, indeed, a fit of illness was very expensive: but now, physic is cheaper than food. Lint. Marry, heaven forbid! Sir Jac. No, no: your essences, elixirs, emetics, sweats, drops, and your pastes, and your pils, have silenced your pestles and mortars. Why, a fever that would formerly have cost you a fortune, you may now cure for twelve pennyworth of powder. Lint. Or kill, Sir Jacob. Sir Jac. And, then, as to your scurvies, and gouts, rheumatisms, consumptions, coughs and catarrhs, tar-water and turpentine will make you as sound as a roach. Lint. Nostrums. Sir Jac. Specifics, specifics, master Lint. Lint. I am very sorry to find a man of your worship's Sir Jacob, a promoter of puffs! an encourager of quacks, Sir Jacob! Sir Jac. Regulars, Lint, regulars; look at their names-Roger, bring me the news-not a soul of them but is either P. L. or M. D. Lint. Plaguy liars; murderous dogs. Sir Jac. Sworn, before the worshipful Mr. Sir Jac. Why, harkye, sirrah, do you think Mr. Justice Drowsy would set his hand to a forgery? Lint. I know, Sir Jacob, that woman; she has been cured of fifty diseases in a fortnight, and every one of them mortal. Sir Jac. You impudent- Lint. A palsy, by Walker- Lint. Gout and sciatic, by Rock- Lint. Consumption, by Steven's drops.- Lint. And squinting by the Chevalier Tay lor Sir Jac. Pill-gilding puppy ! Lint. And as to the justice, so the affidavit brings him a shilling Sir Jac. Why, harkye, rascal, how dare you abuse the commission ?You blood-letting, tooth-drawing, corncutting, worm-killing, blistering, glistering to Lint. Bless me, Sir Jacob, I did not think | Lint. Sir, as I hope to be— Sir Jac. Away with him! [Exit LINT.] You scoundrel, if my clerk was within, I'd send you this instant to Bridewell. Things are come to a pretty pass, indeed, if, after all my reading in Wood, and Nelson, and Burn; if, after twenty years attendance at turnpike-meetings, sessions, petty and quarter; if, after settling of rates, licensing ale-houses, and committing of vagrants-But all respect to authority is lost, and Unus Quorum, now-a-days, is no more regarded than a petty constable.- -[Knocking] Roger, see who is at the gate? Why, the fellow is deaf! Rog. Justice Sturgeon, the fishmonger, from Brentford. Sir Jac. Gad's my life! and major to the Middlesex militia. Usher him in, Roger. Enter MAJOR STURGEON. Sir Jac. I could have wished you had come a little sooner, Major Sturgeon. Maj. Why, what has been the matter, Sir Ja-paway he scoured over the heath. That gallant cob? Sir Jac. There has, major, been here an impudent pill-monger, who has dared to scandalize the whole body of the bench. Maj. Insolent companion! had I been here, I would have mittimused the rascal at once. Sir Jac. No, no; he wanted the major more than the magistrate; a few smart strokes from your cane would have fully answered the purpose.Well, major, our wars are done; the rattling drum and squeaking fife now wound our ears no more. Maj. True, Sir Jacob, our corps is disembodied, so the French may sleep in security. Sir Jac. But, major, was it not rather late in life, for you, to enter upon the profession of arms? Maj. A little aukward in the beginning, Sir Jacob: the great difficulty they had was to get me to turn out my toes; but use-use reconciles all them kind of things: why, after my first campaign, I no more minded the noise of the guns than a flea-bite. Sir Jac. No! commander stuck both his spurs into the flank, and for some time held by his mane; but, in crossing a ditch, the horse threw up his head, gave the major a dowse in the chops, and plumped him into a gravel-pit, just by the pow der-mills. Maj. O yes. I was the only one of the corps that could ride; otherwise, we always succeeded of course: no jumping over heads; no underhand work among us; all men of honour; and, Maj. No! There is more made of these mat- I must do the regiment the justice to say, there ters than they merit. For the general good, in-never was a set of more amiable officers! deed, I am glad of the peace; but, as to my single self-And yet, we have had some desperate duty, Sir Jacob. Sir Jac. No doubt. Maj. Oh, such marchings and counter-marchings! from Brentford to Ealing, from Ealing to Acton, from Acton to Uxbridge: the dust flying, sun scorching, men sweating-Why, there was our last expedition to Hounslow, that day's work carried off Major Molasses. Bunhill-fields never saw a braver commander! He was an irreparable loss to the service. Sir Jac. How came that about? Maj. Why, it was partly the major's own fault: I advised him to pull off his spurs before he went upon action; but he was resolute, and would not be ruled. Sir Jac. Spirit: zeal for the service. Maj. Doubtless-But to proceed: In order to get our men in good spirits, we were quartered at Isleworth the evening before; at daybreak, our regiment formed at Hounslow town's end, as it might be about here. The major made a fine disposition: on we marched, the men all in high spirits, to attack the gibbet where Gardel is hanging; but, turning down a narrow lane to the left, as it might be about there, in order to possess a pig's-stye, that we might take the gallows in flank, and, at all events, secure a retreat, who should come by but a drove of fat oxen for Smithfield! The drums beat in the front, the dogs barked in the rear, the oxen set up a gallop: on they came thundering upon us, broke through our ranks in an instant, and threw the whole corps in confu sion. Sir Jac. Terrible! Sir Jac. Quiet and peaceable ! Maj. As lambs, Sir Jacob. Excepting one boxing bout at the Three Compasses in Acton, between Captain Sheers and the Colonel, concerning a game at all-fours, I don't remember a single dispute. Sir Jac. Why, that was mere mutiny; the captain ought to have been broke. Maj. He was: for the colonel not only took away his cockade, but his custom; and I don't think poor Captain Sheers has done a stitch for him since. Sir Jac. But you soon supplied the loss of Molosses? Maj. In part only: no, Sir Jacob, he had great experience: he was trained up to arins from his youth: at sixteen he trailed a pike in the artillery-ground; at eighteen got a company in the Smithfield pioneers; and, by the time he was twenty, was made aid-de-camp to Sir Jeffery Grub, knight, alderman. and colonel of the yellow. Sir Jac. A rapid rise! Maj. Yes he had a genius for war; but, what I wanted in practice, I made up by doubling my diligence. Our porter at home had been a serjeant of marines: so, after my shop was shut up at night, he used to teach me my exercise; and he had not to deal with a dunce, Sir Jacob. Sir Jac. Your progress was great? Maj. Amazing! In a week, I could shoulder, and rest, and poize, and turn to the right, and wheel to the left; and, in less than a month, I could fire without winking or blinking. Sir Jac. A perfect Hannibal! Maj. Ah, and then I learnt to form lines, and Maj. The major's horse took to his heels; hollows, and squares, and evolutions and revo lution: Let me tell you, Sir Jacob, it was lucky that Monsieur kept his myrmidons at home, or we should have peppered his flat-bot tomed boats. Sir Jac. No; poor rascals, they would not be able to pay; and as to the stocks, we should never find room for their legs. Maj. Pray, Sir Jacob, is Matthew Mar Sir Jac. Ay, marry, he had a marvellous es-row-bone, the butcher of your town, living or cape. dead? Sir Jac, Living. Maj. And swears as much as he used? Sir Jac. An altered man, major; not an oath, comes out of his mouth. Maj. You surprise me! why, when he frequented our town of a market-day, he has taken out a guinea in oaths-And quite changed? Sir Jac. Entirely-They say his wife has made him a methodist, and that he preaches at Kennington Common. Maj. What a deal of mischief those rascals do in the country !---Why, then we have entirelost him? Maj. No: soldiers for sun-shine, cocknies;ly they have not the appearance, the air, the freedom, the Jenny sequoi that-Oh, could you but see me salute! You have never a spontoon in the house? Sir Jac. No; but we could get a shove-pike. Maj. No matter. Well, Sir Jacob, and how are your fair daughters, sweet Mrs. Sneak and the lovely Mrs. Bruin? Is she as lively and as brilliant as ever? Sir Jac. Oh ho, now the murder is out; this visit was intended for them? come, own now, major, did not you expect to meet with them here? You officers are men of such gallantry! Maj. Why, we do tickle up the ladies, Sir Jacob: there is no resisting a red coat. Sir Jac. True, true, major. Maj. But that is now all over with me. Farewell to the plumed steeds and neighing troops, as the black man says in the play; like the Roman censurer, I shall retire to my savin field, and there cultivate cabbages. Sir Jac. Under the shade of your laurels. Maj. True; I have done with the major, and now return to to the magistrate; Cedunt arma togge. Sir Jac. Still in the service of your country? Maj. True; man was not made for himself; and so, thinking that this would prove a busy day in the justicing way, I am come, Sir Jacob, to lend you a hand. Sir Jac. Done like a neighbour. Maj. I have brought, as I suppose most of our business will be in the battery way, some warrants and mittimuses ready filled up, with all but the names of the parties, in order to save time. Sir Jac. A provident magistrate! Maj. Pray, how shall we manage as to the article of swearing; for, I reckon we shall have oaths as plenty as hops? Sir Jac. Why, with regard to that branch of our business to-day, I believe the law must be suffered to sleep. Maj. I should think we might pick up something that's pretty that way. Sir Jac. In that way; but I got a brace of bind-overs from him last week for a couple of bastards. Maj. Well done, Master Matthew!-But, pray, now, Sir Jacob Mob. [Without.] Huzza! Sir Jac. What's the matter, now, Roger? Enter ROGER. Rog. The electors desire to know if your worship has any body to recommend? Sir Jac. By no means; let them be free in their choice: I shan't interfere. Rog. And if your worship has any objection to Crispin Heel-tap the cobler's being returning officer? Sir Jac. None, provided the rascal can keep himself sober. Is he there? Rog. Yes, Sir Jacob.-Make way there! stand farther off from the gate: here is madam Sneak in a chair along with her husband. Maj. Gad's so, you will permit me to convey her in. [Erit MAJOR Sir Jac. Now here is one of the evils of war. This Sturgeon was as pains-taking a Billinsgatebroker as any in the bills of mortality. But the fish has got out of his element; the soldier has quite demolished the citizen. |