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Bal. That you will never dispose of yourself | sion, sir, was nothing but malice, the effect of a to any man without my consent.
little quarrel betwen her and Mrs Sylvia. Syi. I promise.
Bal. Are you sure of that, sir? Bal. Very well ; and to be even with you,
I Wor. Her maid gave me the history of part of promise I never will dispose of you without your the battle just now, as she overheard it: but I own consent: and so, Sylvia, the coach is ready, hope, sir, your daughter has suffered nothing upon Farewell. (Leads her to the door, and returns. the account. Now she's gone, I'll examine the contents of this Bal. No, no, poor girl; she's so afflicted with letter a little nearer.
(Reads. the news of her brother's death, that, to avoid • Sir,
company, she begg'd leave to go into the country. • My intimacy with Mr Worthy has drawn a se Wor. And is she gone? cret from him, that he had from his friend Captain
Bal. I could not refuse her, she was so presPlume, and my friendship and relation to your sing; the coach went from the door the minute family oblige me to give you timely notice of it before you came. The captain has dishonourable designs upon my Wor. So pressing to be gone, sir ?-I find her cousin Sylvia. Evils of this nature are more ea. fortune will give her the same airs with Melinda, sily prevented than amended : and that you would and then Plume and I may laugh at one another. immediately send my cousin into the country is Bul. Like enough: women are as subject to the advice of,
pride as men are; and why mayn't great women Sir, your humble servant, Melinda.' as well as great men forget their old acquaintWhy, the devil's in the young fellows of this age; ance ?-But come, where's this young fellow? I they are ten times worse than they were in my love him so well, it would break the heart of me time: had he made my daughter a whore, and to think him a rascal—I am glad my daughter's forswore it like a gentleman, I could almost gone fairly off though. (Aside.] Where does the have pardon’d it, but to tell tales before-hand is captain quarter? monstrous_Hang it! I can fetch down a wood Wor. At Horton's; I am to meet him there cock or a snipe, and why not a hat and cock-two hours hence, and we should be glad of your ade? I have a case of good pistols, and have a company: good mind to try.
Bal. Your pardon, dear Worthy! I must al
low a day or two to the death of my son. The Enter WORTHY.
decorum of mourning is what we owe the world, Worthy! your servant.
because they pay it to us: afterwards, I'm yours Wor. I'm sorry, sir, to be the messenger of ill over a bottle, or how you will.
Wor. Sir, I'm your humble servant. Bal. I apprehend it, sir ; you have heard that
[Exeunt apart. my son Owen is past recovery. Wor. My letters say he's dead, sir.
SCENE III.—The Street. Bal. He's happy, and I am satisfied: the stroke of Heaven I can bear, but injuries from men, Mr
Enter KITE, with COSTAR PEARMAIN in one
hand, and THOMAS APPLETREE in the other, Worthy, are not so easily supported.
drunk. Wor. I hope, sir, you're under no apprehensions of wrong from any body.
KITE sings. Bal. You know I ought to be.
Wor. You wrong my honour in believing I Our 'prentice Tom may now refuse could know any thing to your prejudice without To wipe his scoundrel master's shoes, resenting it as much as you should.
For now he's free to sing and play Bal. This letter, sir, which I tear in pieces, to Over the hills, and far away:-- -Over, &c. conceal the person that sent it, informs me that
(The mob sing the chorus. Plume has a design upon Sylvia, and that you are
We shall lead more happy lives, Wor. Nay, then, sir, I must do myself justice, By getting rid of brats and wives, and endeavour to find out the author. (Takes up That scold and brawl both night and day, a bit.] Sir, I know the hand, and if you refuse to Over the hills, and far away.
-Over, &c. discover the contents, Melinda shall tell me.
(Going. Kite. Hey, boys ! thus we soldiers live! drink, Bal. Hold, sir; the contents I have told you al- sing, dance, play—we live, as one should say= ready, only with this circumstance, that her inti we live'tis impossible to tell how we live-we macy with Mr Worthy had drawn the secret from are all princes-why-why, you are a king-you him.
are an emperor, and I'm a prince-now-an't Wor. Her intimacy with me! Dear sir ! let me we? pick up the pieces of this letter, 'twill give me Tho. No, serjeant, I'll be no emperor. such a power over her pride, to have her own an Kite. No! intimacy under her hand-This was the luckiest Tho. I'll be a justice of peace. accident ! (Gathering up the letter.] The asper Kite. A justice of peace, man!
Tho. Ay, wauns will I; for since this pressing Cost. Wounds! not I. act, they are greater than any emperor under the Kite. What! not listed! ha, ha, ha! a very
good jest, i'faith. Kite. Done; you are a justice of peace, and Cost. Come, Tummas, we'll go
home. you are a king, and I am a duke, and a rum duke,
Tho. Ay, ay, come. an't I?
Kite. Home! for shame, gentlemen; behave Cost. Ay, but I'll be no king.
yourselves better before your captain. Dear Kite. What then?
Tummas, honest Costar! Cost. I'll be a queen.
Thu. No, no, we'll be gone. Kite. A queen!
Kite. Nay, then, I command you to stay: I place Cos!. Ay, of England; that's greater than any you both centinels in this place for two hours, to king of 'em all.
watch the motion of St Mary's clock you, and Kite. Bravely said, faith !-huzza for the queen. you the motion of St Chad's ; and he that dares (Huzzu.) But hark'e, you Mr Justice, and you stir from his post till he be relieved, shall have Mr Queen, did you ever see the king's picture ? my sword in his guts the next minute. Both. No, no, no.
Plume. What's the matter, serjeant? I'm aKite. I wonder at that; I have two of 'em set fraid you are too rough with these gentlemen. in gold, and as like his majesty, God bless the Kite. I'm too mild, sir; they disobey commark! See here, they are set in gold.
mand, sir ; and one of 'em should be shot, for an
Cost. Shot! Tummas !
Plume. Come, gentlemen, what's the matter? (Looking at it.
Tho. We don't know; the noble serjeant is Cost. What's this written about? here's a posy, pleas’d to be in a passion, sir-butI believe. Ca-ro-lus ! - what's that, serjeant? Kite. They disobey command; they deny their
Kite. O! Carolus ! why, Carolus is Latin for being listed. King George; that's all.
Tho. Nay, serjeant, we don't downright deny Cust. ”Tis a fine thing to be a scollard—Ser it
, neither; that we dare not do, for fear
of being jeant, will you part with this? I'll buy it on you, shot; but we humbly conceive, in a civil way, if it come within the compass of a crown. and begging your worship’s pardon, that we may
Kite. A crown! never talk of buying ; 'tis the go home. same thing among friends, you know; I'll present Plume. That's easily known. Have either of then to ye both; you shall give me as good a you receiv'd any of the king's money? thing. Put 'em up, and remember your old friend Cost. Not a brass farthing, sir. when I am over the hills, and far away.
Kite. They have each of them receiv'd one[They sing, and put up the money, and-twenty shillings, and 'tis now in their pockets.
Cost. Wounds ! if I have a penny in my pocket Enter PLUME, singing.
but a bent six-pence, I'll be content to be listed,
and shot into the bargain.
Tho. And I:-look ye here, sir.
Cost. Nothing but the king's picture, that the
serjcant gave me just now.
Kite. See there, a guinea, one-and-twenty shilCome on, my men of mirth, away with it; I'll lings; t'other has the fellow on't. make one among ye.- Who are these hearty
Plume. The case is plain, gentlemen ; the lads?
goods are found upon you : those pieces of gold Kite. Off with your hats ; 'ounds ! off with are worth one-and-twenty shillings cach. your hats: this is the captain, the captain.
Cost. So it seems that Carolus is one-andTho. We have seen captains afore now, mun. twenty shillings in Latin, Cost. Ay, and lieutenant-captains too. 'Shesh!
Thó. 'Tis the same thing in Greek, for we are I'll keep on my nab.
listed. Tho. And I'se scarcely d'off mine for any cap Cost. Flesh ! but we an't, Tummas. I desire to tain in England. My vether's a freeholder.
be carried before the mayor, captain. Plume. Who are those jolly lads, serjeant?
[Captain and serjeunt whisper the while. Kite. A couple of honest brave fellows, that
Plume. "I will never do, Kite-your damned are willing to serve the king: I have entertain’d tricks will ruin me at last—I won't lose the fel'em just now as volunteers under your honour's lows, though, if I can help it-Well, gentlemen, command.
there must be some trick in this : my serjeant Plume. And good entertainment they shall offers to take his oath that you are fairly listed. have: volunteers are the men I want; those are Tho. Why, captain, we know that you sol. the men fit to make soldiers, captains, generals. diers have more liberty of conscience than other
Cost. Wounds, Tummas, what's this! are you folks; but for me or neighbour Costar here to listed?
take such an oath, 'twould be downright perjuraTho. Flesh! not I: are you, Costar?
Plume. Look'e, rascal, you villain ! If I find | monsieur's pocket, after you have dash'd out his that you have impos’d upon these two honest | brains with the but-end of your firelock? eh! fellows, I'll trample you to death, you dog Cost. Wauns! I'll have it. Captain-give Come, how was't?
me a shilling : I'll follow you to the end of the Tho. Nay, then we'll speak. Your serjeant, as
world. you say, is a rogue, an't like your worship, beg Tho. Nay, dear Costar! do'na: be advis'd. ging your worship’s pardon--and
Plume. Here, my hero, here are two guineas Cost. Nay, Tummas, let me speak, you know for thee, as earnestof what I'll do farther for thee. I can read. -And so, sir, he
us those two Tho. Do’na take it, do'na, dear Costar! pieces of money for pictures of the king, by way
(Cries, and pulls back his arm. of a present.
Cost. I wull-I wull— Waunds ! my mind gives Plume. How? by way of a present ! the son me that I shall be a captain myself.-l take your of a whore ! I'll teach him to abuse honest fellows money, sir, and now I am a gentleman. like you ! scoundrel! rogue ! villain !
Plume. Give me thy hand, and now you and (Beats off the serjeant, and follows. I will travel the world o'er, and command it Both. O brave, noble captain! huzza. A brave wherever we tread.—Bring your friend with you, if captain, faith!
(Aside. Cost. Now, Tummas, Carolus is Latin for a Cost. Well, Tummas, must we part? beating. This is the bravest captain I ever saw Tho. No, Costar, I cannot leave thee-Come,
-Wounds! I've a month's mind to go with captain, I'll e'en go along too; and if you have him.
two honester, simpler lads in your company than
we two have been, I'll say no more. Enter PLUME.
Plume. Here, my lad. (Gives him money.) Now, Plume. A dog, to abuse two such, honest fel your name? lows as you-Look'e, gentlemen, I love a pret Tho. Tummas Appletree. ty fellow; I come among you as an officer, to
Plume. And yours? list soldiers, not as a kidnapper, to steal slaves. Cost. Costar Pearmain. Cost. Mind that, Tummas.
Plume. Well said, Costar! Born where? Plume. I desire no man to go with me but as Tho. Both in Herefordshire. I went myself: I went a volunteer, as you or Plume. Very well. Courage, my lads Now you may do, for a little time carried a musket, we'll. and now I command a company. Tho. Mind that, Costar. "A sweet gentleman !
[Sings.] Over the hills, and far away. Plume. 'Tis true, gentlemen, I might take an
Courage, boys; it is one to ten advantage of you : the king's money was in your
But we return all gentlemen ; pockets, my serjeant was ready to take his oath
While conqʼring colours we display, you were listed"; but I scorn to do a base thing:
Over the hills, and far away. you are both of you at your liberty.
Kite, take care of 'em. Cost. Thank you, noble captain
-I'cod! I cann't find in my heart to leave him, he talks so
Enter KITE. finely. Tho. Ay, Costar, would he always hold in this
Kite. A’n't you a couple of pretty fellows, mind.
now! Here you have complained to the captain, Plume. Come, my lads, one thing more I'll
I am to be turn'd out, and one of you will be tell you :-you're both young, tight fellows, and serjeant. Which of you is to have my halberd ?
Both Rec. I. the army is the place to make you men for ever: every man has his lot, and you have yours : what
kite. So you shall-in your guts.—March, you think you of a purse of French gold out of a
sons of whores !
[Beats them off
they snort, kick up their heels, and away they SCENE I. The Market-Place.
Plume. And leave us here to mourn upon the Enter PLUME and WORTHY.
shore-a couple of poor melancholy monsters Wor. I cannot forbear admiring the equality of What shall we do? our two fortunes :--- We love two ladies; they meet Wor. I have a trick for mine : the letter, you us half way; and just as we were upon the point know, and the fortune-teller. of leaping into their arms, fortune drops in their Plume. And I have a trick for mine. laps, pride possesses their hearts, a maggot fills Wor. What is't? their heads, madness takes them by the tails; Plime. I'll never think of her again.
and biggle for a penny more than the commodity Plume. No; I think myself above administer is worth. ing to the pride of any woman, were she worth Rose. What's that to you, oaf? I can make as twelve thousand a-year; and I ha’n’t the vanity much out of a groat as you can out of four pence, to believe I shall gain a lady worth twelve hun- I'm sure—The gentleman bids fair, and when I dred. The generous, good-natur'd Sylvia, in her meet with a chapinan, I know how to make the smock, I admire ; but the haughty and scornful best of him. And so, sir, I say, for a crown-piece Sylvia, with her fortune, I despise-What! sneak the bargain's yours. out of town, and not so much as a word, a line,
Plume. Here's a guinea, my dear! a compliment!'Sdeath! how far off does she
Rose, I cann't change your money, sir. live? I'll go and break her windows.
Plume. Indeed, indeed, but you can-my lodgWor. Ha, ha, ha! ay, and the window-bars too, ing is hard by, chicken ! and we'll make change to come at her. Come, come, friend, no more
[Goes off"; she follows him. of your rough military airs.
Kite. So, sir, as I was telling you, I have seen
one of these hussars eat up a ravelin for his Enter KITE.
breakfast, and afterwards pick his teeth with a Kite. Captain, captain! Sir, look yonder, she's palisado. a-coming this way. ''Tis the prettiest, cleanest, Bul. Ay, you soldiers see very strange things : little tit!
but pray, sir, what is a rabelin? Plume. Now, Worthy, to shew you how much Kite. Why, 'tis like a modern minc'd pie, but I'm in love-here she comes. But, Kite, what is the crust is confounded hard, and the plums are that great country fellow with her?
somewhat hard of digestion. Kite. I cann't tell, sir.
Bul. Then your palisado, pray what may he
be? Come, Ruose, pray ha' done. Enter Rose, followed by her Brother BULLOCK,
Kite. Your palisado is a pretty sort of bodkin, with Chickens on her Arm, in a Basket. about the thickness of my leg. Rose. Buy chickens, young and tender chickens, Þul. That's a fib, I believe. (Aside.] Eh! Foung and tender chickens.
where's Ruose? Ruose, Ruose! S'Aesh! where's Plume. Here, you chickens.
Ruose gone? Rose. Who calls ?
Kite. She's gone with the captain. Plume. Come hither, pretty maid !
Bul. The captain! wauns ! there's no presRose. Will you please to buy, sir?
sing of women, sure. Wor. Yes, child, we'll both buy.
Kite. But there is, sure. Plume. Nay, Worthy, that's not fair; market Bul. If the captain shou'd press Ruose, I for yourself.--Come, child, I'll buy all you have. should be ruin’d -Which way went she? Oh! Rose. Then all I have is at your service. the devil take your rabelins and palisadoes ! [Courtesies.
(Exit. T'or. Then must I shift for myself, I find. [E.cit. Kite. You shall be better acquainted with Plume. Let me see; young and tender you say. them, honest Bullock, or I shall miss of my aim.
(Chucks her under i he chin. Rose. As ever you tasted in your life, sir,
Enter WORTHY. Plume. Come, I must examine your basket to Wor. Why, thou art the most useful fellow in the bottom, my dear!
nature to your captain, admirable in your way, I Rose. Nay, for that matter, put in your hand; find. feel, sir; I warrant my ware is as good as any in Kile. Yes, sir, I understand my business, I the market.
will say it. Plume. And I'll buy it all, child, were it ten Wor. How came you so qualify'd ? times more.
Kile. You must know, sir, I was born a gipsy, Rose. Sir, I can furnish you.
and bred among that crew till I was ten years Plume. Come, then we won't quarrel about the old ; there I learned canting and lying: I was price; they're fine birds.—Pray, what's your bought from my mother Cleopatra by a certain name, pretty creature?
nobleman for three pistoles, who, liking my beauRose. Rose, sir. My father is a farmer with ty, made me his page; there I learn’d impudence in three short miles o' the town: we keep this and pimping : I was turn’d off for wearing my market; I sell chickens, eggs, and butter, and my lord's linen, and drinking my lady's ratafia, and brother Bullock there sells corn.
türn'd bailiff's follower ; there I learn’d bullying Bul. Come, sister, haste, we shall be late and swearing : I at last got into the army, and home.
[Whistles about the stuge. there I learn'd whoring and drinking-so that if Plume. Kite! [Tips him the wink, he returns your worship pleases to cast up the whole sum, it.] Pretty Mrs Rose-you have let me see viz. canting, lying, impudence, pimping, bullying, how many ?
swearing, whoring, drinking, and a halberd, you Rose. A dozen, sir, and they are richly worth will find the sum total amount to a Recruiting
Serjeant. Bul. Come, Ruose; I sold fifty strake of bar Wor. And, pray, what induced you to turn ley to-day in half this time; but you will higgle soldier ? VOL. IV.
Kite. Hunger and ambition. The fears of another fellow at his age: I never set my heart starving and hopes of a truncheon led me along upon any woman so much as to make myself to a gentleman with a fair tongue and fair peri- uneasy at the disappointment: but what was very wig, who loaded me with promises; but, 'gad, it surprising, both to myself and friends, I chang’d, was the lightest load that ever I felt in my life. o' th’ sudden, from the most fickie lover to the
-He promised to advance me; and indeed he most constant husband in the world.-But how did so-io a garret in the Savoy.-I asked him goes your affair with Melinda ? why he put me in prison ? he called me lying Wor. Very slowly. Cupid bad formerly wings, dog, and said I was in garrison; and indeed 'tis but I think in this age he goes upon crutches; or, a garrison that may hold out till doomsday before I fancy, Venus had been dallying with her cripI should desire to take it again.--But here comes ple Vulcan when my amour commenc'd, which Justice Balance.
has made it go on so lamely.--My mistress has
got a captain too, but such a captain !-as I live, Enter BALANCE and BULLOCK.
yonder he comes ! Bal. Here, you serjeant, where's your captain? Bal. Who, that bluff fellow in the sash? I Here's a poor foolish fellow comes clamouring to don't know him. me, with a complaint that your captain has press'd Wor. But I engage he knows you and every his sister. Do you know any thing of this mat- body at first sight: his impudence were a prodi. ter, Worthy ?
gy, were not his ignorance proportionable ; he Wor. Ha, ha, ha!—I know his sister is gone has the most universal acquaintance of any man with Plume to his lodging, to sell him some living, for he won't be alone, and nobody will chickens.
keep him company twice : then he's a Cæsar Bal. Is that all ?- The fellow's a fool.
among the women, veni, vidi, vici, that's all. If Bul. I know that, an't like your worship; but he has but talk'd with the maid, he swears he has if your worship pleases to grant me a warrant to lain with the mistress : but the most surprising bring her before your worship, for fear of the worst part of his character is his memory, which is the
Bal. Thou’rt mad, fellow;-thy sister's safe most prodigious and the most trifling in the enough.
world. Kite. I hope so too.
[dside. Bal. I have met with such men; and I take Wor. Hast thou no more sense, fellow, than this good-for-nothing memory to proceed from a to believe that the captain can list women? certain contexture of the brain which is purely
Bul. I know not whether they list them, or adapted to impertinencies, and there they lodge what they do with them, but I'm sure they carry secure, the owner having no thoughts of his own as many women as men with them out of the to disturb them. I have known a man as perfect country.
as a chronologer as to the day and year of most Bal. But how came you not to go along with important transactions, but be altogether igno
rant in the causes or consequences of any one Bul. Lord, sir, I thought no more of her going thing of moment: I have known another acthan I do of the day I shall die: but this gentle. quire so much by travel as to tell you the names man here, not suspecting any hurt neither, I be of most places in Europe, with their distances of lieve--you thought no harm, friend, did you? miles, leagues, or hours, as punctually as a post
Kite. Lack-a-day, sir, not only that I be boy; but for any thing else as ignorant as the lieve I shall marry her to-morrow.
horse that carries the mail. Bal. I begin to smell powder. Well, friend, Wor. This is your man, sir; add but the travel. but what did that gentleman with you?
ler's privilege of lying, and even that he abuses : Bul. Why, sir, he entertain’d me with a fine this is the picture, behold the life. story of a great sea-fight between the Hungarians, I think it was, and the wild Irish.
Enter BRAZEN. Kile. And so, sir, while we were in the heat Bruz. Mr Worthy, I'm your servant, and so of battle—the captain carry'd off the baggage. forth—Hark'e, my
dear! Bal. Serjeant, go along with this fellow to Wor. Whispering, sir, before company is not your captain, give him my humble service, and
manners, and when nobody's by 'tis foolish. desire him to discharge the wench, though he has Bruz. Company! Mort de ma vie! I beg the listed her.
gentleman's pardon—who is he? Bul. Ay, and if she ben't free for that, he shall Wor. Ask him. have another man in her place.
Bruz. So I will, my dear!-I am your servant, Kite. Come, honest friend;-you shall go to my and so forth-Your name, my dear ! quarters instead of the captain's.
(Aside. Bal. Very laconic, sir. [Exeunt Kite and BULLOCK. Braz. Laconic! a very good name, truly. I Bal. We must get this mad captain his com have known several of the Laconics abroad. Poor plement of men, and send him packing, else he'll | Jack Laconic! he was killed at the battle of over-run the country.
Landen. I remember that he had a blue riWor. You see, sir, how little he values your band in his hat that very day, and after he daughter's disdain.
fell we found a piece of neat's tongue in his Bal. I like him the better: I was just such pocket.