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Bras. Contents ! that you shall, old boy! here I gave you just now, that the devil wrote Melinda they be both.
upon ? Kite. Only the last you received, if you please. Kite. Here, sir. (Takes the letter.] Now, sir, if you please to let Plume. 'Tis plain they are not the same: and me consult my books for a minute, I'll send this is this the malicious name that was subscribed to letter inclosed to you, with the determination of the letter which made Mr Balance send his daughthe stars upon it, to your lodgings.
ter into the country? Braz. With all my heart-I must give him Wor. The very same. The other fragments I [Puts his hands in his pockets.] Algebra ! I fan- shew'd you just now I once intended for another cy, doctor, 'tis hard to calculate the place of your use ; but I think I have turn'd it now to a better nativity–Here—[Gives him money.) And if I suc advantage. ceed, I'll build a watch-tower on the top of the Plume, But 'twas barbarous to conceal this so highest mountain in Wales, for the study of astro-long, and to continue me so many hours in the logy and the benefit of the Conundrums. (Exit. pernicious heresy of believing that angelic creature
could change. Poor Sylvia ! Enter PLUME and WORTHY.
Wor. Rich Sylvia, you mean, and poor capWor. O, doctor! that letter's worth a million; tain ; ha, ha, ha !-Come, come, friend, Melinda let me see it: and now I have it, I'm afraid to is true, and shall be mine ; Sylvia is constant, and
may be yours. Plume. Pho! let me sce it. [Opening the let Plume. No, she's above my hopes—but for ter.) If she be a jilt-Damn her she is one her sake, I'll recant my opinion of her sex. there's her name at the bottom on't.
By some the sex is blam'd without design, Wor. How! then I'll travel in good earnest Light harmless censure, such as yours and mine, -By all my hopes, 'tis Lucy's hand.
Sallies of wit, and vapours of our wine: Plume. Lucy's !
Others the justice of the sex condemn, Wur. Certainly—'tis no more like Melinda's And, wanting merit to create esteem, character, than black is to white.
Would hide theirown defects by censuring them: Plume. Then 'tis certainly Lucy's contrivance, But they, secure in their all-conq’ring charms, to draw in Brazen for a husband-But are you Laugh at the vain efforts of false alarms. sure 'tis not Melinda's hand?
He magnifies their conquests who complains ; Wor, You shall see.—Where's the bit of paper For none would struggle were they not in chains.
SCENE I.-- Justice BALANCE's House.
Enter SYLVIA, BULLOCK, Rose, Prisoners,
Constable, and Mob.
Const. May it please your worships, we took Scale. I say, 'tis not to be borne, Mr Balance. them in the very act, re infecta, sir—The gentle
Bal, Look'e, Mr Scale, for my own part, I shall man, indeed, behav'd himself like a gentleman, be
very tender in what regards the officers of the for he drew his sword and swore, and afterwards army; they expose their lives to so many dangers laid it down and said nothing. for us abroad, that we may give them some grains Bul. Give the gentleman his sword againof allowance at home.
Wait you without. Exeunt Constable and Watch.] Scale. Allowance ! this poor girl's father is my I'm sorry, sir, [To SYLVIA] to know a gentleman tenant, and, if I mistake not, her mother nursed upon such terms, that the occasion of our meeta child for you-shall they debauch our daughing should prevent the satisfaction of an acquaintters to our faces ?
Bal. Consider, Mr Scale, that were it not Syl. Sir, you need make no apology for your for the bravery of these officers, we should have warrant, no more than I shall do for my behaFrench dragoons among us, that would leave us viour-my innocence is upon an equal foot with neither liberty, property, wives, nor daughters- your authority. Come, Mr Scale, the gentlemen are vigorous and Scale. Innocence! have you not seduc'd that warm, and may they continue so ! the same heat young maid? that stirs them up to love spurs them on to battle: Syl. No, Mr Goosecap, she seduc'd me. you never knew a great general in your life that Bul. So she did, I'll swear-for she propos'd did not love a whore. This I only speak in re. marriage first. ference to Captain Plume-for the other spark I Bal. What, then you are marry’d, child ? know nothing of.
(To Rose. Scale, Nor can I hear of any body that does Rose. Yes, sir, to my sorrow. -Oh! here they come.
Bal. Who was witness?
Bul. That was I–I danc'd, threw the stock actly. [ Aside.] And pray, sir, how long have you ing, and spoke jokes by their bed-side, I'm sure. been in this travelling humour? Bal. Who was the minister?
Wor. 'Tis natural, madam, for us to avoid Bul, Minister i we are soldiers, and want no what disturbs our quiet. minister--they were marry'd by the articles of Mel. Rather the love of change, which is war.
more natural, may be the occasion of it. Bal. Hold thy prating, fool --Your appear Wor. To be sure, madam, there must be ance, sir, promişcs some understanding ;—pray, charms in variety, else neither you nor I should what does this fellow mean?
be so fond of it. Syl. lle means marriage, I think—but that, Mel. You mistake, Mr Worthy; I am not so you know, is so odi a thing, that hardly any two fond of variety as to travel for't, nor do I think people under the sun agree in the ceremony : it prudence in you to run yourself into a certain some make it a sacrament, others a convenience, expence and danger in hopes of precarious pleaand others make it a jest ; but among soldiers 'tis sures, wķich, at best, never answer expectation, most sacred-our sword you know is our honour, as it is evident from the example of most travelthat we lay down-the hero jumps over it first, lers, that long more to return to their own counand the amazon after-Leap rogue, follow whore try than they did to go abroad. -the drum beats a ruff, and so to bed: that's all: Wor. What pleasures I may receive abroad the ceremony is concise.
are indeed uncertain ; but this I am sure of,-1 Bul. And the prettiest ceremony, so full of shall meet with less cruelty among the most barpastime and prodigality
barous of nations than I have found at home. Bul. What! are you a soldier?
Mel. Come, sir, you and I have been jangBul. Ay, that I am-Will your worship lend ling a great while ; 1 fancy if we made up our acme your cane, and I'll shew you how I can exer counts we should the sooner come to an agreecise ?
Bal. Take it. (Strikes him over the heud.) Wor. Sure, madam, you won't dispute your Pray, sir, what commission may you bear? being in my debt My fears, sighs, vows, pro
[To Sylvia. mises, assiduities, anxieties, jealousies, have run Syl. I'm call'd captain, sir, by all the coffee on for a whole year without any payment. men, drawers, whores, and groom-porters in Lon Mel. A year! Oh, Mr Worthy! what you don; for I wear a red coat, a sword, piquet in owe to me is not to be paid under a seven years my head, and dice in my pocket.
servitude. How did you use me the year before! Scale. Your name, pray, sir ?
when, taking the advantage of my innocence and Syl. Captain Pinch. I cock my hat with a necessity, you would have made me your mistress, pinch, I take snuff with a pinch, pay my whores that is, your slave-Remember the wicked in. with a pinch; in short, I can do any thing at a sinuations, artful baits, deceitful arguments, cun. pinch, but fight and fill my belly.
ning pretences; then your impudent behaviour, Bul. And pray, sir, what brought you into loose expressions, familiar letters, rude visits; Shropshire ?
remember those, those, Mr Worthy. Syl. A pinch, sir :- I know you country gen Wor. I do remember, and am sorry I made no tlemen want wit, and you know that we town better use of 'em. (Aside.) But you may rememgentlemen want money, and so
ber, madam, that Bal. I understand you, sir—Here, consta Mel. Sir, I'll remember nothing—'tis your inble
terest that I should forget. You have been barEnter Constable.
barous to me, I have been cruel to you; put that Take this gentleman into custody till further or
and that together, and let one balance the other ders.
-Now, if you will begin upon a new score, lay Rose. Pray your worship don't be uncivil to aside your adventuring airs, and behave yourself him, for he did me no hurt; he's the most harm
handsomely till Lent be over, here's my hand, less man in the world, for all he talks so.
I'll use you as a gentleman should be. Scale. Come, come, child, I'll take care of
Wor. And if I don't use you as a gentlewo
man should be, may this be my poison. yoll. Syl. What, gentlemen, rob me of my freedom
(Kissing her hand. and my wife at once! 'tis the first time they
Enter a Servant. ever went together. Bal. Hark'e, constable. [Whispers him.
Sero. Madam, the coach is at the door. Const. It shall be done, sir-Come along, sir.
Mel. I am going to Mr Balance's country[Excunt Constable, BULLOCK, and SYLVIA. house, to see my cousin Sylvia ; I have done her Bal. Come, Mr Scale, we'll manage the spark
an injury, and cann’t be easy till I've ask'd her presently
Wor. I dare not hope for the honour of waitSCENE II.-MELINDA's Apartment.
ing on you.
Mel. My coach is full, but if you'll be so galEnter Melinda and WORTHY.
lant as to mount your own horse and follow us, Mel. So far the prediction is right;'tis ten ex we shall be glad to be overtaken; and if you
bring Captain Plume with you, we sha’n't have mile out of town, at the water-side and so forththe worse reception.
[Reads.) For fear I should be known by any of Wor, I'll endeavour it.
Worthy's friends, you must give me leave to wear [Erit, leading Melinda. my mask till after the ceremony, which will make
me for ever yours-Look'e there, my dear dog! SCENE III. The Market Place.
(Shews the bottom of the letter to PLUME.
Plume. Melinda! and, by this light, her own Enter PLUME and KITE.
hand! Once more,
you please, my dear-Her Plume. A baker, a tailor, a smith, butchers, hand exactly—Just now, you say? carpenters, and journeymen shoemakers, in all Braz. This minute :-I must be gone. thirty-nine-I believe the first colony planted in Plume. Have a little patience, and I'll Virginia had not more trades in their company you. than I have in mine.
Braz. No, no, I see a gentleman coming this Kite. The butcher, sir, will have his hands way that may be inquisitive; 'tis Worthy; do you fall, for we have two sheep-stealers among us
know him? I hear of a fellow too committed just now for
Plume. By sight only. stealing of horses.
Braz. Have a care, the very eyes discover ser Plume. We'll dispose of him among the dra- crets.
[Exit. goons-Have we never a poulterer among us? Kite. Yes, sir, the king of the gipsies is a very
Enter WORTHY. good one; he has an excellent hand at a goose
Wor. To boot and saddle, captain; you must or a turkey-Here's Captain Brazen, sir.--I must mount. go look after the men.
Plume. Whip and spur, Worthy, or you won't
mount. Enter Brazen, reading a Letter. Wor. But I shall :- Melinda and I are agreed ; Braz. Um, um, um! the canonical hour she's gone to visit Sylvia ; we are to mount and Um, um! very well-My dear Plume! give me a follow; and could we carry a parson with us, who buss.
knows what might be done for us both? Plume. Half a score, if you will, my dear ! Plume. Don't trouble your head ; Melinda has What hast got in thy hand, child ?
secur'd a parson already. Braz. 'Tis a project for laying out a thousand Wor. Already ! do you know more than I? pounds.
Plume. Yes, I saw it under her hand-Brazen Plume. Were it not requisite to project first and she are to meet half a mile hence, at the wahow to get it in?
ter-side, there to take boat, I suppose to be Bruz. You cann't imagine, my dear, that I ferry'd over to the Elysian fields, if there be any want twenty thousand pounds; I have spent such thing in matrimony. twenty times as much in the service-Now, my Wor. I parted with Melinda just now; she dear!
advise me-my head runs much up- assured me she hated Brazen, and that she reon architecture-shall I build a privateer or a solv'd to discard Lucy for daring to write letters i play-house?
to him in her name. Plume. An odd question—a privateer or a Plume. Nay, nay, there's nothing of Lucy in play-house ! 'twill require some consideration, this-I tell ye I saw Melinda's hand, as surely Faith, I am for a privateer.
as this is minę. Bruz. I am not of your opinion, my dear! for, Wor. But I tell you she's gone this minute to in the first place, a privateer may be ill built. Justice Balance's country-house. Plume. And so may a play-house.
Plume. But I tell you she's gone this minute
Enter a Servant.
Sert. Madam Melinda has sent word that you Bruz. But you know a privateer may spring a need not trouble yourself to follow her, because leak.
her journey to Justice Balance's is put off, and Plume. And I know that a play-house may she's gone to take the air another way. spring a great many.
(To WORTHY. Braz. But suppose the privateer come home Wor. How! her journey put off? with a rich booty, we should never agree about
Plume. That is, her journey was a put off to our shares.
you. Plume. 'Tis just so in a play-house -So, by Wor. 'Tis plain, plain-But how, where, when my advice, you shall fix upon a privateer. is she to meet Brazen ?
Bruz. Agreed—but if this twenty thousand Plume. Just now, I tell you, half a mile hence, pounds should not be in specie
at the water-side. Plume. What twenty thousand ?
Wor. Up or down the water? Braz. Hark'e
Plume. That I don't know. Plume. Marry'd!
Wor. I'm glad my horses are ready-Jack, Braz. Presently; we're to meet about half al get 'em out.
Plume. Shall I go with you?
Bal. Come, serjeant, you shall be heard, since Wor. Not an inch-I shall return presently. nobody else will speak; we won't come here for
[Exit. nothing Plume. You'll find me at the Hall: the jus. Kite. This man is but one man; the country tices are sitting by this time, and I must attend may spare him, and the army wants him : besides, them.
[Exit. he's cut out by nature for a grenadier; he's five
feet ten inches high; he shall box, wrestle, or SCENE IV.-A Court of Justice. BALANCE, dance the Cheshire round with any man in the
SCALE, and SCRUPLE upon the Bench; Con- country; he gets drunk every Sabbath-day; and stable, KITE, Mob.
he beats his wife.
Wife. You lie, sirrah, you lie; an' please your Kite and Constable advance.
worship, he's the best natured, pains-takingest Kite. Pray, who are those honourable gentle man in the parish ; witness my five poor children. men upon the bench?
Scrup. A wife and five children! You constaConst. He in the middle is Justice Balance, he ble, you rogue, how durst you impress a man that on the right is Justice Scale, and he on the left has a wife and five children? is Justice Scruple, and I am Mr Constable; four Scale. Discharge him, discharge him. very honest gentlemen.
Bal. Hold, gentlemen.-Hark'e, friend; how Kite. O, dear sir! I am your most obedient do you maintain your wife and five children? servant. (Saluting the Constable.] I fancy, sir, Plume. They live
wild-fowl and venison, that your employment and mine are much the sir: the husband keeps a gun, and kills all the hares same; for my business is to keep people in or and partridges within five miles round. der, and if they disobey, to knock them down; Bul. A gun! nay, if he be so good at gunning, and then we are both staff-officers.
he shall have enough on't. He may be of use Const. Nay, I'm a serjeant myself—of the mi against the French, for he shoots flying, to be litia-Come, brother, you shall see me exercise. sure. Suppose this a musket; now I'm shouldered. Serup. But his wife and children, Mr Balance.
(Puts his staff on his right shoulder. Wijë. Ay, ay, that's the reason you would send Kite. Ay, you are shouldered pretty well for him away: you know I have a child every year, a constable's staff, but for a musket, you must and you are afraid that they should come upon put it on the other shoulder, my dear!
the parish at last. Const. Adso! that's true-Come, now give Plume. Look'e there, gentlemen; the honest the word of command.
woman has spoke it at once: the parish had bet. Kite. Silence.
ter maintain five children this year than six or Const Ay, ay, so we will-we will be silent. seven the next. That fellow, upon this high feedKite. Silence, you dog, silence !
ing, may get you two or three beggars at a birth. [Strikes him over the head with his halberd. Wife. Look’e, Mr Captain ; the parish shall Const. That's the way to silence a man with get nothing by sending him away; for I won't a witness. What do you mean, friend?
lose my teeming-time, if there be a man left in Kite. Only to exercise you, sir.
the parish. Const. Your exercise differs so much from Bal, Send that woman to the house of correcours, that we shall ne'er agree about it: if my tion—and the manown captain had given me such a rap, I had taken Kite. I'll take care of him, if you please. the law of him.
[Takes him down.
Scale. Here, you constable, the next. Set Enter PLUME.
up that black-faced fellow; he has a gunpowder Bal. Captain, you are welcome.
look. What can you say against this man, constaPlume. Gentlemen, I thank you.
ble ? Scrup. Come, honest captain, sit by me. Const. Nothing, but that he's a very honest (PLUME ascends, and sits upon the bench.) Now produce your prisoners—Here, that fellow there, Plume. Pray, gentlemen, let me have one hoset him up. Mr Constable, what have you to nest man in my company, for the novelty's sake. say against this man ?
Bul. What are you, friend? "Const. I have nothing to say against him, an' Mob. A collier ; I work in the coal-pits. please you.
Scrup. Look'e, gentlemen; this fellow has a Bal. No ! what made you bring him hither? | trade, and the act of parliament here expresses Const. I don't know, an' please your worship. that we are to impress no man that has any visi
Scale. Did not the contents of your warrant ble means of a livelihood. direct you what sort of men to take up ?
Kite. May it please your worship, this man has Const. I cann't tell, an’ please ye; I cann't read. no visible means of a livelihood, for he works un
Scrup. A very pretty constable, truly.-I find der ground. we have no business here.
Plume. Well said, Kite :- besides, the army Kite. May it please the worshipful bench, I wants mincrs. desire to be heard in this case, as being the coun Bal. Right; and had we an order of governsel for the king
ment for't, we could raise you, in this and the
neighbouring county of Stafford, five hundred col more, and I'll build a horse for you as high as the liers, that would run you under ground like moles, cielins, and make you ride the most tiresome and do more service in a siege than all the miners journey that ever you made in your life. in the army.
Syl. You have made a fine speech, good CapScrup. Well, friend, what have you to say for rain Huff-cap! but you had better be quiet ; I shall | yourself?
find a way to cool your courage. Mob. I'm married.
Plume. Pray, gentlemen, don't mind him; he's Kite. Lack-a-day! so am I.
distracted. Mob. Here's my wife, poor woman.
Syl. 'Tis false: I am descended of as good a Bul. Are you married, good woman?
family as any in your county; my father is as Wom. I'm married, in conscience.
good a man as any upon your bench; and I am Kite. May it please your worship, she's with heir to twelve hundred pounds a-year. child, in conscience.
Bal. He's certainly mad.-Pray, captain, read Scale. Who married you, mistress?
the articles of war. Wom. My husband : we agreed that I should Syl. Hold, once more.—Pray, Mr Balance, 'to call him husband, to avoid passing for a whore, you I speak: suppose I were your child, would and that he should call me wife, to shun going you use me at this rate : for a soldier.
Bal. No, faith; were you mine, I would send Scrup. A very pretty couple !--Pray, captain, you to Bedlam first, and into the army afterwill you take them both ?
wards. Plume. What say you, Mr Kite? will you take Syl. But consider my father, sir : he's as good, care of the woman?
as generous, as brave, as just a man as ever serv'd Kite. Yes, sir, she shall go with us to the sea his country ; I'm his only child; perhaps the loss side, and there if she has a mind to drown her of me may break his heart. self, we'll take care nobody shall hinder her. Bul. He's a very great fool if it does.-Captain,
Bul. Here, constable, bring in my man. [Exit if you don't list him this minute, I'll leave the Const.] Now, captain, I'll fit you with a man court. such as you never listed in your life.
Plume. Ķite, do you distribute the levy money
to the men while I read. Enter Constable and SYLVIA.
Kite. Ay, sir.—Silence, gentlemen. Oh, my friend Pinch ! I'm very glad to see you.
[PLUME reads the articles of war. Syl. Well, sir, and what then?
Bal. Very well : now, captain, let me beg the Scale. What then! is that your respect to the favour of you not to discharge this fellow upon bench?
any account whatsoever.—Bring in the rest. Syl Sir, I don't care a farthing for you nor Const. There are no more, an't please your your bench neither.
worship. Serup. Look'e, gentlemen, that's enough; he's Bal. No more! there were five two hours ago. a very impudent fellow, and fit for a soldier. Syl. 'Tis true, sir; but this rogue of a constable Scale. À notorious rogue,
let the rest escape for a bribe of eleven shillings fit for a soldier.
a man, because he said the act allowed him but Const. A whore-master, I say,
and therefore ten, so the odd shilling was clear gains.
AU Just. How ! Bai. What think you, captain ?
Syl. Gentlemen, he offered to let me go away Plume. I think he is a very pretty fellow, and for two guineas, but I had not so much about me: therefore fit to serve.
this is truth, and I'm ready to swear it. Syl. Me for a soldier! send your own lazy, Kite. And I'll swear it: give me the book ;
sons at home; fellows that hazard their 'tis for the good of the service. Decks every day in the pursuit of a fox, yet dare Mob. May it please your worship, I gave him not peep abroad, to look an enemy in the face. half-a-crown to say that I was an honest man;
Const. May it please your worships, I have a but now, since that your worships have made me woman at the door to swear a rape against this a rogue, I hope I shall have my money agaiu.
Bul. 'Tis my opinion that this constable be Syl. Is it your wife or daughter, booby? I ra put into the captain's hands, and if his friends vish'd 'em both yesterday.
don't bring four good men for his ransom by toBal. Pray, captain, read the articles of war; morrow night, captain, you shall carry him to we'll see him listed immediately.
Flanders. Plume. ["eads.] Articles of war against mutiny Scale. Scrup. Agreed, agreed. and desertion, &c.
Plume. Mr Kite, take the constable into cusSyl. Hold, sir. -Once more, gentlemen, have tody. a care what you do, for you shall severely smart
sir. (To the Constable.) Will you violence
offer to me; and you, Mr please to have your office taken from you, or will Balance, I speak to you particularly, you shall you handsoınely lay down your staff, as your bet
ters have done before you? Plume. Look'e, young spark, say but one word
[Constable drops his staff VOL. IV.
fit to go.
Kite. Ay, ay,
heartily repent it.