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Braz. Contents! that you shall, old boy! here they be both.

Kite. Only the last you received, if you please. [Takes the letter.] Now, sir, if you please to let me consult my books for a minute, I'll send this letter inclosed to you, with the determination of the stars upon it, to your lodgings.

Braz. With all my heart-I must give him[Puts his hands in his pockets.] Algebra! I fancy, doctor, 'tis hard to calculate the place of your nativity-Here-[Gives him money.] And if I succeed, I'll build a watch-tower on the top of the highest mountain in Wales, for the study of astrology and the benefit of the Conundrums. [Exit.

Enter PLUME and WORTHY.

Wor. O, doctor! that letter's worth a million; let me see it and now I have it, I'm afraid to open it.

Plume. Pho! let me see it. [Opening the letter.] If she be a jilt-Damn her she is onethere's her name at the bottom on't.

Wor. How! then I'll travel in good earnest -By all my hopes, 'tis Lucy's hand. Plume. Lucy's!

Wor. Certainly-'tis no more like Melinda's character, than black is to white.

Plume. Then 'tis certainly Lucy's contrivance, to draw in Brazen for a husband-But are you sure 'tis not Melinda's hand?

Wor. You shall see.-Where's the bit of paper

I gave you just now, that the devil wrote Melinda upon? Kite. Here, sir.

Plume. 'Tis plain they are not the same: and is this the malicious name that was subscribed to the letter which made Mr Balance send his daughter into the country?

Wor. The very same. The other fragments I shew'd you just now I once intended for another use; but I think I have turn'd it now to a better advantage.

Plume. But 'twas barbarous to conceal this so long, and to continue me so many hours in the pernicious heresy of believing that angelic creature could change. Poor Sylvia!

Wor. Rich Sylvia, you mean, and poor captain; ha, ha, ha!-Come, come, friend, Melinda is true, and shall be mine; Sylvia is constant, and may be yours.

Plume. No, she's above my hopes--but for her sake, I'll recant my opinion of her sex. By some the sex is blam'd without design, Light harmless censure, such as yours and mine, Sallies of wit, and vapours of our wine: Others the justice of the sex condemn, And, wanting merit to create esteem, Would hide their own defects by censuring them: But they, secure in their all-conq'ring charms, Laugh at the vain efforts of false alarms. He magnifies their conquests who complains; For none would struggle were they not in chains. [Exeunt.

ACT V.

SCENE I.-Justice BALANCE's House.
Enter BALANCE and SCALE.

Scale. I say, 'tis not to be borne, Mr Balance. Bal. Look'e, Mr Scale, for my own part, I shall be very tender in what regards the officers of the army; they expose their lives to so many dangers for us abroad, that we may give them some grains of allowance at home.

Scale. Allowance! this poor girl's father is my tenant, and, if I mistake not, her mother nursed a child for you-shall they debauch our daughters to our faces?

Bal. Consider, Mr Scale, that were it not for the bravery of these officers, we should have French dragoons among us, that would leave us neither liberty, property, wives, nor daughtersCome, Mr Scale, the gentlemen are vigorous and warm, and may they continue so! the same heat that stirs them up to love spurs them on to battle: you never knew a great general in your life that did not love a whore. This I only speak in reference to Captain Plume-for the other spark I know nothing of.

Scale. Nor can I hear of any body that does -Oh! here they come.

Enter SYLVIA, BULLOCK, ROSE, Prisoners, Constable, and Mob.

Const. May it please your worships, we took them in the very act, re infecta, sir―The gentleman, indeed, behav'd himself like a gentleman, for he drew his sword and swore, and afterwards laid it down and said nothing.

Bal. Give the gentleman his sword againWait you without. [Exeunt Constable and Watch.] I'm sorry, sir, [To SYLVIA] to know a gentleman upon such terms, that the occasion of our meeting should prevent the satisfaction of an acquaint

ance.

Syl. Sir, you need make no apology for your warrant, no more than I shall do for my behaviour-my innocence is upon an equal foot with your authority.

Scale. Innocence! have you not seduc'd that young maid?

Syl. No, Mr Goosecap, she seduc'd me. Bul. So she did, I'll swear-for she propos'd marriage first.

Bal. What, then you are marry'd, child?
[To ROSE.

Rose. Yes, sir, to my sorrow.
Bal. Who was witness?

Bul. That was I—I danc'd, threw the stock ing, and spoke jokes by their bed-side, I'm sure. Bal. Who was the minister?

Bul. Minister f we are soldiers, and want no minister-they were marry'd by the articles of

war.

Bal. Hold thy prating, fool--Your appearance, sir, promises some understanding;-pray, what does this fellow mean?

Syl. He means marriage, I think-but that, you know, is so odd a thing, that hardly any two people under the sun agree in the ceremony :some make it a sacrament, others a convenience, and others make it a jest ; but among soldiers 'tis most sacred-our sword you know is our honour, that we lay down-the hero jumps over it first, and the amazon after-Leap rogue, follow whore -the drum beats a ruff, and so to bed: that's all: the ceremony is concise.

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Mel. You mistake, Mr Worthy; I am not so fond of variety as to travel for't, nor do I think it prudence in you to run yourself into a certain expence and danger in hopes of precarious pleasures, which, at best, never answer expectation, as it is evident from the example of most travellers, that long more to return to their own country than they did to go abroad.

Wor. What pleasures I may receive abroad are indeed uncertain; but this I am sure of,-I

Bul. And the prettiest ceremony, so full of shall meet with less cruelty among the most barpastime and prodigality

Bal. What are you a soldier?

Bul. Ay, that I am-Will your worship lend me your cane, and I'll shew you how I can exercise?

Bal. Take it. [Strikes him over the head.] Pray, sir, what commission may you bear? [To SYLVIA. Syl. I'm call'd captain, sir, by all the coffeemen, drawers, whores, and groom-porters in London; for I wear a red coat, a sword, piquet in my head, and dice in my pocket.

Scale. Your name, pray, sir?

Syl. Captain Pinch. I cock my hat with a pinch, I take snuff with a pinch, pay my whores with a pinch; in short, I can do any thing at a pinch, but fight and fill my belly.

Bal. And pray, sir, what brought you into Shropshire?

Syl. A pinch, sir :-I know you country gentlemen want wit, and you know that we town gentlemen want money, and so

Bal. I understand you, sir-Here, constable

Enter Constable.

Take this gentleman into custody till further orders.

Rose. Pray your worship don't be uncivil to him, for he did me no hurt; he's the most harmless man in the world, for all he talks so.

Scale. Come, come, child, I'll take care of you.

Syl. What, gentlemen, rob me of my freedom and my wife at once! 'tis the first time they ever went together.

Bal. Hark'e, constable. [Whispers him. Const. It shall be done, sir-Come along, sir. [Exeunt Constable, BULLOCK, and SYLVIA. Bal. Come, Mr Scale, we'll manage the spark presently. [Exeunt.

SCENE II.-MELINDA's Apartment.

Enter MELINDA and WORTHY.

Mel. So far the prediction is right; 'tis ten ex

barous of nations than I have found at home.

Mel. Come, sir, you and I have been jangling a great while; I fancy if we made up our ac counts we should the sooner come to an agree

ment.

Wor. Sure, madam, you won't dispute your being in my debt-My fears, sighs, vows, promises, assiduities, anxieties, jealousies, have run on for a whole year without any payment.

Mel. A year! Oh, Mr Worthy! what you owe to me is not to be paid under a seven years servitude. How did you use me the year before! when, taking the advantage of my innocence and necessity, you would have made me your mistress, that is, your slave-Remember the wicked insinuations, artful baits, deceitful arguments, cunning pretences; then your impudent behaviour, loose expressions, familiar letters, rude visits; remember those, those, Mr Worthy.

Wor. I do remember, and am sorry I made no better use of 'em. [Aside.] But you may remember, madam, that

Mel. Sir, I'll remember nothing-'tis your interest that I should forget. You have been barbarous to me, I have been cruel to you; put that and that together, and let one balance the other -Now, if you will begin upon a new score, lay aside your adventuring airs, and behave yourself handsomely till Lent be over, here's my hand, I'll use you as a gentleman should be.

Wor. And if I don't use you as a gentlewoman should be, may this be my poison. [Kissing her hand.

Enter a Servant.

Serv. Madam, the coach is at the door. Mel. I am going to Mr Balance's countryhouse, to see my cousin Sylvia; I have done her an injury, and cann't be easy till I've ask'd her pardon."

Wor. I dare not hope for the honour of waiting on you.

Mel. My coach is full, but if you'll be so gallant as to mount your own horse and follow us, we shall be glad to be overtaken; and if you

bring Captain Plume with you, we sha'n't have | mile out of town, at the water-side-and so forththe worse reception. Wor. I'll endeavour it.

SCENE III.-The Market-Place.

[Reads.] For fear I should be known by any of Worthy's friends, you must give me leave to wear

[Exit, leading MELINDA. my mask till after the ceremony, which will make me for ever yours-Look'e there, my dear dog! [Shews the bottom of the letter to PLUME. Plume. Melinda! and, by this light, her own hand! Once more, if you please, my dear-Her hand exactly-Just now, you say?

Enter PLUME and KITE. Plume. A baker, a tailor, a smith, butchers, carpenters, and journeymen shoemakers, in all thirty-nine-I believe the first colony planted in Virginia had not more trades in their company than I have in mine.

Kite. The butcher, sir, will have his hands fall, for we have two sheep-stealers among usI hear of a fellow too committed just now for stealing of horses.

Plume. We'll dispose of him among the dragoons-Have we never a poulterer among us?

Kite. Yes, sir, the king of the gipsies is a very good one; he has an excellent hand at a goose or a turkey-Here's Captain Brazen, sir.-I must go look after the men.

Enter BRAZEN, reading a Letter.
Braz. Um, um, um! the canonical hour-
Um, um! very well-My dear Plume! give me a
buss.

Plume. Half a score, if you will, my dear!
What hast got in thy hand, child?

Braz. 'Tis a project for laying out a thousand pounds.

Plume. Were it not requisite to project first how to get it in?

Bruz. You cann't imagine, my dear, that I want twenty thousand pounds; I have spent twenty times as much in the service-Now, my dear! pray advise me-my head runs much upon architecture-shall I build a privateer or a play-house?

Plume. An odd question-a privateer or a play-house! 'twill require some considerationFaith, I am for a privateer.

Braz. I am not of your opinion, my dear! for,
in the first place, a privateer may be ill built.
Plume. And so may a play-house.
Braz. But a privateer may be ill mann'd.
Plume. And so may a play-house.
Braz. A privateer may run upon the shallows.
Plume. Not so often as a play-house.
Bruz. But you know a privateer may spring a
leak.

Plume. And I know that a play-house may spring a great many.

Braz. But suppose the privateer come home with a rich booty, we should never agree about

our shares.

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Braz. This minute:-I must be gone.

Plume. Have a little patience, and I'll go with you.

Braz. No, no, I see a gentleman coming this way that may be inquisitive; 'tis Worthy; do you know him?

Plume. By sight only.

Braz. Have a care, the very eyes discover se [Exit.

crets.

Enter WORTHY.

Wor. To boot and saddle, captain; you must

mount.

Plume. Whip and spur, Worthy, or you won't

mount.

Wor. But I shall :-Melinda and I are agreed; she's gone to visit Sylvia; we are to mount and follow; and could we carry a parson with us, who knows what might be done for us both?

Plume. Don't trouble your head; Melinda has secur'd a parson already.

Wor. Already! do you know more than I?

Plume. Yes, I saw it under her hand-Brazen and she are to meet half a mile hence, at the water-side, there to take boat, I suppose to be ferry'd over to the Elysian fields, if there be any such thing in matrimony.

Wor. I parted with Melinda just now; she assured me she hated Brazen, and that she resolv'd to discard Lucy for daring to write letters to him in her name.

Plume. Nay, nay, there's nothing of Lucy in
this-I tell ye
I saw Melinda's hand, as surely

as this is mine.
Wor. But I tell you she's gone this minute to
Justice Balance's country-house.

Plume. But I tell you she's gone this minute to the water-side.

Enter a Servant.

Serv. Madam Melinda has sent word that you need not trouble yourself to follow her, because her journey to Justice Balance's is put off, and she's gone to take the air another way.

[To WORTHY.

Wor. How! her journey put off?
Plume. That is, her journey was a put off to

you.

Wor. 'Tis plain, plain-But how, where, when is she to meet Brazen ?

Plume. Just now, I tell you, half a mile hence, at the water-side.

Wor. Up or down the water?

Plume. That I don't know.

Wor. I'm glad my horses are ready-Jack, get 'em out.

10

Plume. Shall I go with you?

Wor. Not an inch-I shall return presently.

[Exit. Plume. You'll find me at the Hall: the justices are sitting by this time, and I must attend them. [Exit.

SCENE IV.-A Court of Justice. BALANCE, SCALE, and SCRUPLE upon the Bench; Constable, KITE, Mob.

KITE and Constable advance.

Kite. Pray, who are those honourable gentlemen upon the bench?

Const. He in the middle is Justice Balance, he on the right is Justice Scale, and he on the left is Justice Scruple, and I am Mr Constable; four very honest gentlemen.

Kite. O, dear sir! I am your most obedient servant. [Saluting the Constable.] I fancy, sir, that your employment and mine are much the same; for my business is to keep people in order, and if they disobey, to knock them down; and then we are both staff-officers.

Const. Nay, I'm a serjeant myself-of the militia-Come, brother, you shall see me exercise. Suppose this a musket; now I'm shouldered.

[Puts his staff on his right shoulder. Kite. Ay, you are shouldered pretty well for a constable's staff, but for a musket, you must put it on the other shoulder, my dear!

Const. Adso! that's true-Come, now give the word of command.

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Bal. Captain, you are welcome.
Plume. Gentlemen, I thank you.

Scrup. Come, honest captain, sit by me. [PLUME ascends, and sits upon the bench.] Now produce your prisoners-Here, that fellow there, set him up. Mr Constable, what have you to say against this man?

Const. I have nothing to say against him, an' please you.

Bal. No! what made you bring him hither ? Const. I don't know, an' please your worship. Scale. Did not the contents of your warrant direct you what sort of men to take up?

Const. I cann't tell, an' please ye; I cann't read. Scrup. A very pretty constable, truly.—I find we have no business here.

Kite. May it please the worshipful bench, I desire to be heard in this case, as being the counsel for the king.

Bal. Come, serjeant, you shall be heard, since nobody else will speak; we won't come here for nothing.

Kite. This man is but one man; the country may spare him, and the army wants him : besides, he's cut out by nature for a grenadier; he's five feet ten inches high; he shall box, wrestle, or dance the Cheshire round with any man in the country; he gets drunk every Sabbath-day; and he beats his wife.

Wife. You lie, sirrah, you lie; an' please your worship, he's the best natured, pains-takingest man in the parish; witness my five poor children.

Scrup. A wife and five children! You constable, you rogue, how durst you impress a man that has a wife and five children?

Scale. Discharge him, discharge him.

Bal. Hold, gentlemen.-Hark'e, friend; how do you maintain your wife and five children?

Plume. They live upon wild-fowl and venison, sir: the husband keeps a gun, and kills all the hares and partridges within five miles round.

Bul. A gun! nay, if he be so good at gunning, he shall have enough on't. He may be of use against the French, for he shoots flying, to be

sure.

Scrup. But his wife and children, Mr Balance. Wife. Ay, ay, that's the reason you would send him away: you know I have a child every year, and you are afraid that they should come upon the parish at last.

Plume. Look'e there, gentlemen; the honest woman has spoke it at once: the parish had better maintain five children this year than six or seven the next. That fellow, upon this high feeding, may get you two or three beggars at a birth.

Wife. Look'e, Mr Captain; the parish shall get nothing by sending him away; for I won't lose my teeming-time, if there be a man left in the parish.

Bal. Send that woman to the house of correction and the man

Kite. I'll take care of him, if you please. [Takes him down. Scale. Here, you constable, the next. Set up that black-faced fellow; he has a gunpowder look. What can you say against this man, constable?

Const. Nothing, but that he's a very honest

man.

Plume. Pray, gentlemen, let me have one honest man in my company, for the novelty's sake. Bul. What are you, friend?

Mob. A collier; I work in the coal-pits.

Scrup. Look'e, gentlemen; this fellow has a trade, and the act of parliament here expresses that we are to impress no man that has any visible means of a livelihood.

Kite. May it please your worship, this man has no visible means of a livelihood, for he works under ground.

Plume. Well said, Kite:-besides, the army wants miners.

Bal. Right; and had we an order of government for't, we could raise you, in this and the

neighbouring county of Stafford, five hundred colliers, that would run you under ground like moles, and do more service in a siege than all the miners in the army.

Scrup. Well, friend, what have you to say for yourself?

Mob. I'm married.

Kite. Lack-a-day! so am I.

Mob. Here's my wife, poor woman.
Bul. Are you married, good woman?
Wom. I'm married, in conscience.

Kite. May it please your worship, she's with child, in conscience.

Scale. Who married you, mistress?

Wom. My husband: we agreed that I should call him husband, to avoid passing for a whore, and that he should call me wife, to shun going for a soldier.

Scrup. A very pretty couple !-Pray, captain, will you take them both?

Plume. What say you, Mr Kite? will you take care of the woman?

Kite. Yes, sir, she shall go with us to the seaside, and there if she has a mind to drown herself, we'll take care nobody shall hinder her.

Bal. Here, constable, bring in my man. [Exit Const. Now, captain, I'll fit you with a man such as you never listed in your life.

Enter Constable and SYLVIA.

Oh, my friend Pinch! I'm very glad to see you.
Syl. Well, sir, and what then?

Scale. What then! is that your respect to the bench?

Syl. Sir, I don't care a farthing for you nor your bench neither.

Scrup. Look'e, gentlemen, that's enough; he's a very impudent fellow, and fit for a soldier. Scale. A notorious rogue, I say, and very fit for a soldier.

Const. A whore-master, I say, and therefore fit to go.

Bal. What think you, captain?

Plume. I think he is a very pretty fellow, and therefore fit to serve.

Syl. Me for a soldier! send your own lazy, lubberly sons at home; fellows that hazard their necks every day in the pursuit of a fox, yet dare not peep abroad, to look an enemy in the face.

Const. May it please your worships, I have a woman at the door to swear a rape against this

rogue.

Syl. Is it your wife or daughter, booby? I ravish'd 'em both yesterday.

Bal. Pray, captain, read the articles of war;
we'll see him listed immediately.
Plume. ["eads.] Articles of war against mutiny
and desertion, &c.
Syl. Hold, sir.- -Once more, gentlemen, have
a care what you do, for you shall severely smart
for any violence you offer to me; and you, Mr
Balance, I speak to you particularly, you shall
heartily repent it.

Plume. Look'e, young spark, say but one word
VOL. IV.

more, and I'll build a horse for you as high as the cieling, and make you ride the most tiresome journey that ever you made in your life.

Syl. You have made a fine speech, good Captain Huff-cap! but you had better be quiet; I shall find a way to cool your courage.

Plume. Pray, gentlemen, don't mind him; he's distracted.

Syl. 'Tis false: I am descended of as good a family as any in your county; my father is as good a man as any upon your bench; and I am heir to twelve hundred pounds a-year.

Bal. He's certainly mad.-Pray, captain, read the articles of war.

Syl. Hold, once more.-Pray, Mr Balance, to you I speak: suppose I were your child, would you use me at this rate?

Bal. No, faith; were you mine, I would send you to Bedlam first, and into the army afterwards.

Syl. But consider my father, sir: he's as good, as generous, as brave, as just a man as ever serv'd his country; I'm his only child; perhaps the loss of me may break his heart.

Bul. He's a very great fool if it does.—Captain, if you don't list him this minute, I'll leave the

court.

Plume. Ķite, do you distribute the levy money to the men while I read.

Kite. Ay, sir.-Silence, gentlemen.

[PLUME reads the articles of war. Bal. Very well: now, captain, let me beg the favour of you not to discharge this fellow upon any account whatsoever.-Bring in the rest.

Const. There are no more, an't please your worship.

Bal. No more! there were five two hours ago. Syl. 'Tis true, sir; but this rogue of a constable let the rest escape for a bribe of eleven shillings a man, because he said the act allowed him but ten, so the odd shilling was clear gains.

All Just. How!

Syl. Gentlemen, he offered to let me go away for two guineas, but I had not so much about me: this is truth, and I'm ready to swear it.

Kite. And I'll swear it: give me the book; 'tis for the good of the service.

Mob. May it please your worship, I gave him half-a-crown to say that I was an honest man; but now, since that your worships have made me a rogue, I hope I shall have my money again.

Bal. 'Tis my opinion that this constable be put into the captain's hands, and if his friends don't bring four good men for his ransom by tomorrow night, captain, you shall carry him to Flanders.

Scale. Scrup. Agreed, agreed.

Plume. Mr Kite, take the constable into cus

tody.

Kite. Ay, ay, sir. [To the Constable.] Will you please to have your office taken from you, or will you handsomely lay down your staff, as your betters have done before you?

[Constable drops his staff.

I

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