SCENE I.-The Park.

Enter CLERIMONT, Sen. and FAINLOVE. Cler. Sen. Well, Mr Fainlove, how do you go on in your amour with my wife?

Fain. I am very civil, and very distant; if she smiles or speaks, I bow and gaze at her-Then throw down my eyes, as if oppressed by fear of offence, then steal a look again, till she again sees me-This is my general method.

Cler. Sen. And 'tis right-For such a fine lady has no guard to her virtue, but her pride; therefore, you must constantly apply yourself to that: But dear Lucy, as you have been a very faithful, but a very costly wench to me, so my spouse also has been constant to my bed, but careless of my fortune.

Fain. Ah! my dear, how could you leave your poor Lucy, and run into France to see sights, and show your gallantry with a wife? Was not that unnatural?

Cler. Sen. She brought me a noble fortune, and I thought she had a right to share it: therefore carried her to see the world, forsooth, and make the tour of France and Italy, where she learned to lose her money gracefully, to admire every vanity in our sex, and contemn every virtue in her own; which, with ten thousand other perfections, are the ordinary improvements of a travell'd lady. Now I can neither mortify her vanity, that I may live at ease with her, or quite discard her, till I have catch'd her a little enlarging her innocent freedoms, as she calls 'em: for this end I am content to be a French husband, though now and then with the secret pangs of an Italian one; and therefore, sir, or madam, you are thus equipt to attend and accost her ladyship: it concerns you to be diligent: if we wholly part-I need say no more: if we do not-I'll see thee well provided for.

Fain. I'll do all I can, I warrant you, but you are not to expect I'll go much among the men.

Cler. Sen. No, no, you must not go near men, you are only (when my wife goes to a play) to sit in a side-box with pretty fellows-I don't design you to personate a real man, you are only to be a pretty gentleman-Not to be of any use or consequence in the world, as to yourself, but merely as a property to others; such as you see now and then have a life in the entail of a great estate, and seem to have come into the world only to be tags in the pedigree of a wealthy house. You must have seen many of that spe

cies.

Fain. I apprehend you; such as stand in assemblies, with an indolent softness and contempt of all around 'em; who make a figure in public, and are scorn'd in private: I have seen such a

one with a pocket glass to see his own face, and an affected perspective to know others. [Imitates each. Cier. Sen. Ay, ay, that's my man-Thou dear rogue!

Fain. Let me alone-I'll lay my life I'll horn you, that is, I'll make it appear I might if I could.

Cler. Sen. Ay, that will please me quite as well.

Fain. To shew you the progress I have made, I last night won of her five hundred pounds, which I have brought you safe.

[Giving him bills. Cler. Sen. Oh the damned vice! That women can imagine all household care, regard to posterity, and fear of poverty, must be sacrificed to a game at cards-Suppose she had not had it to pay, and you had been capable of finding your account another way

Fain. That's but a suppose

Cler. Sen. I say, she must have complied with every thing you ask'd

Fain. But she knows you never limit her expences-I'll gain him from her for ever if I can. [Aside.

Cler. Sen. With this you have repaid me two thousand pounds, and if you did not refund this honestly, I could not have supplied her-We must have parted.

Fain. Then you shall part-if t'other way fails. [Aside.] However, I cann't blame your fondness of her, she has so many entertaining qualities with her vanity-Then she has such a pretty unthinking air, while she saunters round a room, and prattles sentences—

Cler. Sen. That was her turn from her infancy; she always had a great genius for knowing every thing but what it was necessary she should The wits of the age, the great beauties, and shortlived people of vogue, were always her discourse and imitation-Thus the case stood when she went to France; but her fine follies improved so daily, that, though I was then proud of her being call'd Mr Clerimont's wife, I am now as much out of countenance to hear myself called Mrs Clerimont's husband, so much is the superiority of her side.

Fain. I am sure if ever I gave myself a little liberty, I never found you so indulgent.

Cler. Sen. I should have the whole sex on my back, should I pretend to retrench a lady so well visited as mine is-Therefore I must bring it about, that it shall appear her own act, if she reforms; or else I shall be pronounc'd jealous, and have my eyes pull'd out for being openBut I hear my brother Jack coming, who, I hope, has brought yours with him- -Hist, not a word.

Enter Captain CLERIMONT and POUNCE. Capt. I have found him out at last, brother, and brought you the obsequious Mr Pounce; I saw him at a distance in a crowd, whispering in their turns with all about him-He is a gentleman so received, so courted, and so trusted

Pounce. I am very glad if you saw any thing like that, if the approbation of others can recommend me (where I much more desired it) to this company

Capt. Oh, the civil person-But, dear Pounce, you know I am your professed admirer; I always celebrated you for your excellent skill and address, for that happy knowledge of the world, which makes you seem born for living with the persons you are with, wherever you comeNow, my brother and I want your help, in a business that requires a little more dexterity than we ourselves are masters of.

Pounce. You know, sir, my character is helping the distressed, which I do freely, and without reserve; while others are for distinguishing rigidly on the justice of the occasion, and so lose the grace of the benefit-Now 'tis my profession to assist a free-hearted young fellow, against an unnatural long-lived father-to disencumber men of pleasure of the vexation of unwieldy estates, to support a feeble title to an inheritance,

to

Cler. Sen. I have been well acquainted with your merits ever since I saw you, with so much compassion, prompt a stammering witness in Westminster-hall- -that wanted instructionI love a man that can venture his ears with so much bravery for his friend.

Pounce Dear sir, spare my modesty, and let me know to what all this panegyric tends.

Cler. Sen. Why, sir, what I would say is in behalf of my brother the captain here, whose misfortune it is that I was born before him.

Pounce. I am confident he had rather you should have been so, than any other man in England.

Capt. You do me justice, Mr Pounce-But though 'tis to that gentleman, I am still a younger brother, and you know we that are so, are generally condemn'd to shops, colleges, or inns of

court.

Pounce. But you, sir, have escap'd 'em; you have been trading in the noble mart of glory

Capt. That's true-but the general makes such haste to finish the war, that we red coats may be soon out of fashion-and then I am a fellow of the most casy, indolent disposition in the world; I hate all manner of business.

Pounce. A composed temper, indeed! Capt. In such a case, I should have no way of livelihood, but calling over this gentleman's dogs in the country, drinking his stale beer to the neighbourhood, or marrying a fortune.

Cler. Sen. To be short, Pounce I am putting Jack upon marriage; and you are so public an envoy, or rather plenipotentiary, from the very different nations of Cheapside, Covent

Garden, and St James's; you have, too, the mien and language of each place so naturally, that you are the properest instrument I know in the world, to help an honest young fellow to favour in one of 'em, by credit in the other.

Pounce. By what I understand of your many prefaces, gentlemen, the purpose of all this is— That it would not in the least discompose this gentleman's easy, indolent disposition, to fall into twenty thousand pounds, though it came upon him never so suddenly.

Capt. You are a very discerning man- -How could you see so far through me, as to know I love a fine woman, pretty equipage, good company, and a clean habitation?

Pounce. Well, though I am so much a conjuror-What then?

Cler. Sen. You know a certain person, into whose hands you now and then recommend a young heir, to be relieved from the vexation of tenants, taxes, and so forth

Pounce. What! my worthy friend, and city patron, Hezekiah Tipkin, banker, in Lombardstreet! would the noble captain lay any sums in his hands?

Capt. No-But the noble captain would have treasure out of his hands-You know his niece. Pounce. To my knowledge, ten thousand pounds in money.

Capt. Such a stature! such a blooming countenance! so easy a shape!

Pounce. In jewels of her grandmother's, five

thousand

Capt. Her wit so lively, her mien so alluring! Pounce. In land a thousand a-year.

Capt. Her lips have that certain prominence, that swelling softness, that they invite to a pressure; her eyes that languish, that they give pain, though they look only inclined to rest- -Her whole person that one charm

Pounce. Raptures! raptures!

Capt. How can it, so insensibly to itself, lead us through cares it knows not, through such a wilderness of hopes, fears, joys, sorrows, desires, despairs, ecstacies, and torments, with so sweet, yet so anxious vicissitude!

Pounce. Why, I thought you had never seen her-

Capt. No more I ha'n't.

Pounce. Who told you, then, of her inviting lips, her soft sleepy eyes? Capt. You, yourself.

Pounce. Sure you rave; I never spoke of her before to you.

Capt. Why, you won't face me down-Did you not just now say, she had ten thousand pounds in money, five in jewels, and a thousand a-year?

Pounce. I confess my own stupidity, and her charms-Why, if you were to meet, you would certainly please her; you have the cant of loving; but, pray, may we be free-That young gentleman

Capt. A very honest, modest gentleman of my acquaintance: one that has much more in

him than he appears to have; you shall know him better, sir; this is Mr Pounce. Mr Pounce, this is Mr Fainlove; I must desire you to let him be known to you, and your friends.

Pounce. I shall be proud-Well, then, since we may be free, you must understand, the young lady, by being kept from the world, has made a world of her own.-She has spent all her solitude in reading romances; her head is full of shepherds, knights, flowery meads, groves, and streams; so that if you talk like a man of this world to her, you do nothing.

Capt. Oh, let me alone-I have been a great traveller in fairy land myself; I know Oroondates, Cassandra; Astrea and Clelia are my intimate acquaintance.

Go, my heart's envoys, tender sighs make haste,

And with your breath swell the soft zephyr's blast:

Then near that fair one, if you chance to fly, Tell her, in whispers, 'tis for her I die. Pounce. That would do, that would do- -her very language.

Cler. Sen. Why then, dear Pounce, I know thou art the only man living that can serve him. Pounce. Gentlemen, you must pardon me, I am soliciting the marriage settlement between her and a country booby, her cousin, Humphry Gubbin, Sir Harry's heir, who is come to town to take possession of her.

Cler. Sen. Well, all that I can say to the matter is, that a thousand pounds on the day of Jack's marriage to her, is more than you'll get by the dispatch of those deeds.

Pounce. Why, a thousand pounds is a pretty thing, especially when 'tis to take a lady fair out of the hands of an obstinate ill-bred clown, to give her to a gentle swain, a dying enamour'd knight.

Cler. Sen. Ay, dear Pounce-consider but that-the justice of the thing.

Pounce. Besides, he is just come from the glorious Blenheim !- -Look ye, captain, I hope you have learn'd an implicit obedience to your leaders.

Capt. 'Tis all I know.

Pounce. Then, if I am to command-make no one step without me-And since we may be free -I am also to acquaint you, there will be more merit in bringing this matter to bear than you imagine-Yet right measures make all things possible.

Capt. We'll follow yours exactly.

Pounce. But the great matter against us is want of time, for the nymph's uncle, and 'squire's father, this morning met, and made an end of the matter-But the difficulty of a thing, captain, shall be no reason against attempting it.

Capt I have so great an opinion of your conduct, that I warrant you we conquer all. Pounce. I am so intimately employ'd by old Tipkin, and so necessary to him, that I may, perhaps, puzzle things yet.

Cler. Sen. I have seen thee cajole the knave very dexterously.

Pounce. Why, really, sir, generally speaking, 'tis but knowing what a man thinks of himself, and giving him that, to make him what else you please-Now Tipkin is an absolute Lombardstreet wit, a fellow that drolls on the strength of fifty thousand pounds: he is called on 'Change, Sly-boots, and by the force of a very good credit, and very bad conscience, he is a leading person: but we must be quick, or be'll sneer old Sir Harry out of his senses, and strike up the sale of his niece immediately.

Capt. But my rival, what's he?

Pounce. There's some hopes there, for I hear the booby is as averse, as his father is inclined to it-One is as obstinate, as the other is cruel.

Cler. Sen. He is, they say, a pert blockhead, and very lively out of his father's sight.

Pounce. He that gave me his character, call'd him a docile dunce, a fellow rather absurd, than a direct fool-When his father's absent, he'll pursue any thing he's put upon-But we must not lose time-Pray be you two brothers at home to wait for any notice from me-While that pretty gentleman and I, whose face I have known, take a walk and look about for 'em-So, so-Young lady[Aside to FAINLOVE.]

[Exeunt.

Enter Sir HARRY GUBBIN and TIPKIN. Sir Har. Look ye, brother Tipkin, as I told you before, my business in town is to dispose of an hundred head of cattle, and my son.

· Tip. Brother Gubbin, as I signified to you in my last, bearing date Sept. 18th, my niece has a thousand pounds per annum, and because I have found you a plain dealing man, (particularly in the easy pad you put into my hands last summer,) I was willing you should have the refusal of my niece, provided that I have a discharge from all retrospects while her guardian, and one thousand pounds for my care.

Sir Har. Ay, but, brother, you rate her too high, the war has fetch'd down the price of women: the whole nation is over-run with petticoats; our daughters lie upon our hands, brother Tipkin; girls are drugs, sir, mere drugs.

Tip. Look ye, Sir Harry-Let girls be what they will--a thousand pounds a-year, is a thousand pounds a-year; and a thousand pounds ayear is neither girl nor boy.

Sir Har. Look ye, Mr Tipkin, the main article with me is, that foundation of wives' rebellion, and husbands' cuckoldom, that cursed pinmoney-Five hundred pounds per annum pin

Tip. Well, Sir Harry, since you cann't swallow these pins, I will abate to four hundred pounds.

Sir Hur. And to mollify the article—as well as specify the uses, we'll put in the names of several female utensils, as needles, knitting-needles, tape, thread, scissars, bodkins, fans, play-books, with other toys of that nature. And now since we have as good as concluded the marriage, it will not be improper that the young people see each other.

Tip. I don't think it prudent till the very instant of marriage, lest they should not like one another.

Sir Har. They shall meet-As for the young girl, she cannot dislike Numps; and for Numps, I never suffered him to have any thing he liked in his life. He'll be here immediately; he has been train'd up from his childhood under such a plant as this in my hand-I have taken pains in his education.

Tip. Sir Harry, I approve your method: for since you have left off hunting, you might otherwise want exercise, and this is a subtile expedient to preserve your own health, and your son's good manners.

Sir Har. It has been the custom of the Gubbins to preserve severity and discipline in their families-I myself was caned the day before my wedding.

Tip. Ay, Sir Harry, had you not been well cudgelled in youth, you had never been the man

you are.

Sir Har. You say right, now I feel the benefit of it-There's a crab-tree, near our house, which flourishes for the good of my posterity, and has brush'd our jackets, from father to son, for several generations

Tip. I am glad to hear you have all things necessary for the family within yourselves

Sir Har. Oh! yonder, I see Numps is coming -I have dressed him in the very suit I had on at my own wedding; 'tis a most becoming apparel.

Enter HUMPHRY GUBBIN,

Tip. Truly, the youth makes a good marriage able figure.

Sir Hur. Come forward, Numps, this is your uncle Tipkin, your mother's brother, Numps, that is so kind as to bestow his niece upon you. (Don't be so glum, sirrah.) Don't bow to a man, with a face as if you'd knock him down, don't, sirrah.

Tip. I am glad to see you, cousin HumphryHe is not talkative, I observe already.

Sir Har. He is very shrewd, sir, when he pleases. Do you see this crab-stick, you dog? [Apart.] Well, Numps, don't be out of humour. Will you talk? [Apart.] Come, we're your friends, Numps, come, lad.

Humph. You are a pure fellow for a father. This is always your trick, to make a great fool of one before company. [dpurt to his father,

Sir Har. Don't disgrace me, sirrah: you grim graceless rogue. Apart.]-Brother, he has been bred up to respect and silence before his parents

-Yet did you but hear what a noise he makes sometimes in the kitchen, or the kennel, he's the loudest of 'em all.

Tip. Well, Sir Harry, since you assure me he can speak, I'll take your word for it.

Humph. I can speak when I see occasion, and I can hold my tongue when I see occasion. Sir Har. Well said, Numps-sirrah, I see you can do well if you will. [Apart.]

Tip. Pray walk up to me, cousin Humphry. Sir Har. Ay, walk to and fro between us, with your hat under your arm. Clear up your countenance. [Apart.]

Tip. I see, Sir Harry, you ha'n't set him a capering under a French dancing-master: he does not mince it he has not learn'd to walk by a courant, or a boree-His paces are natural, Sir Harry.

Humph. I don't know but 'tis, so we walk in the west of England.

Sir Har. Ay, right, Numps, and so we do Ha, ha, ha! Pray, brother, observe his make, none of your lath-back'd wishy-washy breed— come hither, Numps. Cann't you stand still?

[Apart, measuring his shoulders. Tip. I presume this is not the first time, Sir Harry, you have measured his shoulders with your cane.

Sir Har. Look ye, brother, two feet and an half in the shoulders.

Tip. Two feet and an half! we must make some settlement on the younger children. Sir Har. Not like him, quoth-a!

Tip. He may see his cousin when he pleases. Humph, But hark ye, uncle, I have a scruple I had better mention before marriage than' after.

Tip. What's that, what's that?

Humph. My cousin, you know, is a-kin to me, and I don't think it lawful for a young man to marry his own relations.

Sir Har. Hark ye, hark ye, Numps, we have got a way to solve all that: sirrah, consider this cudgel! Your cousin! Suppose I'd have you marry your grandmother; what then? [Apart.]

Tip. Well, has your father satisfied you in the point, Mr Humphry?

Humph. Ay, ay, sir, very well: I have not the least scruple remaining; no, no-not in the least, sir.

Tip. Then hark ye, brother; we'll go take a whet, and settle the whole affair.

Sir Hur. Come, we'll leave Numps herehe knows the way. Not marry your own relations, sirrah! [Apart.]

[Exeunt Sir HARRY and TIPKIN. Humph. Very fine, very fine; how prettily this park is stock'd with soldiers, and deer, and ducks, and ladies-Ha! where are the old fellows gone; where can they be, tro'I'll ask these people

Fain. Your father, sir?

with spindle shanks.

Fain. No, sir.

Humph. A crab-tree stick in his hand?

Pounce. We ha'n't met any body with these marks, but sure I have seen you before--Are not you Mr Humphry Gubbin, son and heir to Sir Henry Gubbin?

Humph. I am his son and heir--But how long I shall be so, I cann't tell, for he talks every day of disinheriting me.

Pounce. Dear sir, let me embrace youNay, don't be offended if I take the liberty to kiss you; Mr Fainlove, pray [FAINLOVE kisses] kiss the gentleman-Nay, dear sir, don't stare and be surprised, for I have had a desire to be better known to you ever since I saw you one day clench your fist at your father, when his back was turn'd upon you-For, I must own, I very much admire a young gentleman of spirit.

Humph. Why, sir, would it not vex a man to the heart, to have an old fool snubbing a body every minute afore company

Pounce. Oh fie, he uses you like a boy. Humph. Like a boy! He lays on me, now and then, as if I were one of his hounds-You cann't think what a rage he was in this morning because I boggled a little at marrying my own cousin. Pounce. A man cann't be too scrupulous, Mr Humphry; a man cann't be too scrupulous. Humph. Sir, I could as soon love my own flesh and blood, we should squabble like brother and sister; do you think we should not, Mr-? Pray, gentlemen, may I crave the favour of your

names?

Pounce. Sir, I am the very person that have been employed to draw up the articles of marriage between you and

your cousin.

Humph. Ay, say you so? Then you can inform me in some things concerning myself?Pray, sir, what estate am I heir to ?

Pounce. To fifteen hundred pounds a-year, an entailed estate

Humph. I am glad to hear it with all my heart; and can you satisfy me in another questionPray how old am I at present?

Pounce. Three-and-twenty last March. Humph. Why, as sure as you are there they have kept me back. I have been told by some of the neighbourhood, that I was born the very year the pigeon-house was built, and every body knows the pigeon-house is three-and-twenty-Why, I find there has been tricks play'd me; I have obey'd him all along, as if I had been obliged to

it.

Pounce. Not at all, sir; your father cann't cut you out of one acre of fifteen hundred pounds a

year.

Humph. What a fool have I been to give him his head so long!

name?

Pounce. My name, sir, is Pounce, at your service.

Humph. Pounce, with a P?

Pounce. Yes, sir, and Samuel with an S. Humph. Why, then, Mr Samuel Pounce, do you know any gentlewoman that you think I could like? For, to tell you truly, I took an antipathy to my cousin ever since my father proposed her to me-And, since every body knows I came up to be married, I don't care to go down and look baulk'd.

Pounce. I have a thought just come into my head-Do you see this young gentleman? he has a sister, a prodigious fortune-'faith you two shall be acquainted

Fain. I cann't pretend to expect so accomplish'd a gentleman as Mr Humphry for my sister! but, being your friend, I'll be at his service in the affair.

Humph. If I had your sister, she and 1 should live like two turtles.

Pounce. Mr Humphry, you sha'n't be fool'd any longer. I'll carry you into company; Mr Fainlove, you shall introduce him to Mrs Clerimont's toilet.

Fain. She'll be highly taken with him, for she loves a gentleman whose manner is particular.

Pounce. What, sir, a person of your pretensions, a clear estate, no portions to pay! 'Tis barbarous, your treatment-Mr Humphry, I'm afraid you want money-There's for you-What, a man of your accomplishments! [Giving a purse.

Humph. And yet you see, sir, how they use me-Dear sir, you are the best friend I ever met with in all my life-Now, I am flush of money, bring me to your sister, and I warrant you for my behaviour-A man's quite another thing with mo ney in his pocket-you know.

Pounce. How little the oaf wonders why I should give him money!-You shall never want, Mr Humphry, while I have it-Mr Humphry but, dear friend, I must take my leave of you, I have some extraordinary business on my hands; I cann't stay; but you must not say a word

Fain. But you must be in the way half an hour hence, and I'll introduce you at Mrs Clerimont's.

Pounce. Make 'em believe you are willing to have your cousin Bridget, 'till opportunity serves: Farewell, dear friend.

[Exeunt POUNCE and FAINLove. Humph. Farewell, good Mr Samuel PounceBut let's see my cash- 'Tis very true, the old saying, a man meets with more friendship from strangers than his own relations --Let's see my cash: 1, 2, 3, 4, there on that side-1, 2, 3, 4, on that side; 'tis a foolish thing to put all one's