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the world is becoming in no man but a husband. | my rooms, are any ways in competition with a An hour hence, come up the back stairs to my man whose name one would wear. closet. A
Fain. Oh, madam! then I find we areI am glad you are punctual. I'll conceal my Mrs Cler. A woman of sense must have respect self to observe your interview-Oh, torture ! but for a man of that character ; but, alas! respect this wench must not see it.
[Aside. -is respect! Respect is not the thingFain. Be sure you come time enough to save spect has something too solemn for soft momy reputation.
ments—You things are more proper for hours of Cler. Sen. Remember your orders, distance be- dalliance. comes no man but an husband.
Cler. Sen. [Peeping.] How have I wronged this Fuin. I am glad you are in so good humour on fine lady! I find I am to be a cuckold out of the occasion; but you know me to be but a bully her pure esteem for me. in love, that can bluster cnly till the minute of Mrs Cler. Besides, those fellows for whom we engagement—But l’il top my part, and form my have respect, have none for us; I warrant on such conduct by my own sentiments—If she grows an occasion Clerimont would have ruffled a wocoy, I'll grow more saucy—'Twas so I was won inan out of all form, while youinyself,
Cler. Sen. A good hint -now, my cause Cler. Sen. Well, my dear rival-your assigna- comes on.
(Aside. tion draws nigh-you are to put on your trans Fain. Since, then, you allow us fitter for soft port, your impatient throbbing heart won't let moments, why do we misemploy 'em? Let me you wait her arrival-let the dull family thing and kiss that beauteous hand, and clasp that graceful husband, who reckons his moments by his cares, frame. be content to wait; but you are gallant, and mea Mrs Cler. How, Fainlove! What, you don't sure time by ecstasies.
design to be impertinent-but my lips have a cerFain. I hear her coming-to your post, good tain roughness on 'em to-day, ha'n't they? husband; know your duty, and don't be in the way Fuin. (Kissing.] No-they are all softnesswhen your wife has a mind to be in private-to their delicious sweetness is inexpressible-here your post, into the coal-hole.
-let me applaud thy lips, not by
the utterance, but by the touch of mine. Enter Mrs CLERIMONT.
Enter CLERIMONT, Senior, drawing his sword. Welcome, my dear, my tender charmer-Oh! to my longing arms -feel the heart pat, that Cler. Sen. Ha, villain ! ravisher ! invader of my falls and rises as you smile or frown-Oh, the bed and honour ! draw. ecstatic moment !-I think that is something like Mrs Cler. What means this insolence, this inwhat has been said to me.
Aside. trusion into my privacy? What, do you come Mrs Cler. Very well, Fainlove-I protest I into my very closet without knocking? 'Who put value myself for my discerning, I knew you had this into your head? fire through all the respect you shewed me- But Cler. Scn. My injuries have alarm’d me, and how came you to make no direct advances, young I'll bear no longer, but sacrifice your bravado, the gentleman-why was I forced to admonish your author of 'em. gallantry?
Mrs Cler. O poor Mr Fainlove -Must he Fain. Why, madam, I knew you a woman of die for his complaisance, and innocent freedoms breeding, and above the senseless niceties of an with me? How could you, if you might? Oh! English wife. The French way is, you are to go the sweet youth! What, fight Mr Fainlove? so far, whether they are agreeable or not : If you What will the ladies say? are so happy as to please, nobody that is not of a Fain. Let me come at the intruder on ladies constrain'd behaviour, is at a loss to let you know private hours the unfashionable monster it. Besides, if the humbles ervant makes the first I'll prevent all future interruption from him approaches, he has the impudence of making a let me come [Drawing his sword. request, but not the honour of obeying a com Mrs Cler. O the brave pretty creature ? Look mand.
at his youth and innocence-He is not made Mrs Cler. Right-a woman's man should con for such rough encounters-Stand behind meceal passion in a familiar air of indifference. Now, Poor Fainlove !—There is not a visit in town, sir, there's Mr Clerimont; I cann't allow him the where you shall not be displayed at full length least freedom, but the unfashionable fool grows for this intrusion-I banish you for ever from so fond of me, he cannot hide it in public. my sight and bed.
Fuin. Ay, madam ; I have often wondered at Cler. Sen. I obey you, madam ; for distance is your ladyship's choice of one who seems to have becoming in no man but an husband [Giving so little of the beau monde in his carriage, but just her the letter, which she reads, and falls into a what you force him to while there were so swoon.] --I've gone too farKissing her. The many pretty gentlemen
[Dancing. impertinent was guilty of nothing but what my Mis Cler. O, young gentleman, you are mighti indiscretion led her to This is the first kiss ly mistaken, if you think such aniinals as you, and I've had these six weeks—but she awakes. pretty Bean Titmouse, and pert Billy Butterfly, Well, Jenny, you topp'd your part, indeedthough I suffer you to come in, and play about Come to my arms, thou ready, willing fair one!
- Thou hast no vanities, no niceties; but art
Cler. Sen. She is already out of your waythankful for every instance of love that í bestow You shall see the castastrophe of her fate youron thee
(Embracing her. self-But still keep up the fine lady till we go Mrs Cler. What! am I then abused ? Is it a out of town-You may return to it with as wench then of his? Oh, me! was ever poor decent airs as you please --And, now I have abused wife, poor innocent lady, thus injured ! shown you your error, I'm in so good humour as
[Runs and seizes FAINLOVE's sword. to repeat you a couplet on the occasionCler. Sen. Oh, the brave pretty creature ! They only who gain minds, true laurels wear, Hurt Mr Fainlove ! Look at his youth, his inno 'Tis less to conquer, than convince the fair. -Ha, ha! [Interposing;
(Ereunt. Fain. Have a care, have a care, dear sir I know myself she'll have no mercy.
SCENE II.-A Room.
Enter POUNCE, with Papers. mont-I would not hurt you.
(Pushing and crying. (A table, chairs, pen, ink, and paper.] Cler. Sen. Run, run, Jenny. (Exit JENNY.
Pounce. 'Tis a delight to gull these old rascals, [Looks at her upbraidingly before he speaks. and set 'em at variance about stakes, which i Well, madam, are these the innocent freedoms know neither of 'em will ever have possession of. you claim'd of me? Have I deserv'd this? How has there been a moment of yours ever interrupt Enter Tipkin, and Sir Harry. ed with the real pangs I suffer? The daily im Tip. Do you design, Sir Harry, that they shall portunities of creditors, who become so by serving have an estate in their own hands, and keep house your profuse vanities: did I ever murmur at sup: themselves, poor things ? plying any of your diversions, while I believed Sir Hur. No, no, sir, I know better; they 'em (as you call d 'em) harmless ? must, then, shall go down into the country, and live with me, those eyes, that used to glad my heart with their nor touch a farthing of money; but, having all familiar brightness, hang down with guilt? Guilt things necessary provided, they shall go tame has transform’d thy whole person; nay, the very about the house, and breed. memory of it - Fly from my growing passion. Tip. Well, Sir Harry, then considering that all Mrs Cler. I cannot fly, nor bear it-Oh! human things are subject to change, it behoves
every man that has a just sense of mortality, to Cler. Sen. What can you say? Speak quickly. take care of his money.
[Offoring to draw. Sir Har. I don't know what you mean, broMrs Cler. I never saw you moved before, ther-What do you drive at, brother? Don't murder me, impenitent; I'm wholly in Tip. This instrument is executed by you, your your power as a criminal, but, remember, I have son, and my niece, which discharges me of all rebeen so in a tender regard.
trospects. Cler. Sen. But how have you consider'd that Sir Har. It is confess’d, brother; but what regard ?
then ?Mrs Cler. Is't possible you can forgive what Tip. All that remains is, that you pay me for you ensnar'd me into ?--Oh! look ai me kind- the young lady's twelve years board, as also all is—You know I have only err'd in my intention, other charges, as wearing apparel, &c. nor saw my danger, till, by this honest art, you Sir Har. What is this you say? Did I give you had shown me what 'tis to venture to the utmost my discharge from all retrospects, as you call it, limit of what is lawful. You laid that train, I'm and after all do you come with this and t’other, sure, to alarm, not to betray, my innocence and all that? I find you are, I tell you, sir, to Mr Clerimont scorns such baseness ! therefore I your face, I find you arekneel—I weep-I am convinced. (Kneels. Tip. I find too what you are, Sir Harry.
(Cler. Sen. takes her up, embracing her. Sir Har. What am I, sir? What am I? Cler. Sen. Then kneel, and weep no more. Tip. Why, sir, you are angry. my fairest-my reconciled !-Be so in a mo Sir Har. Sir, I scorn your words, I am not an. ment, for know, I cannot (without wringing my gry-Mr Pounce is my witness, I am gentle as a own heart) give you the least compunction lamb~ Would it not make any Aesh alive angry, Be in humour-It shall be your own fault, if ever to see a close hunks come after all with a demand there's a serious word more on this subject. of
Mrs Cler. I must correct every idea that rises Tip. Mr Pounce, pray inform Sir Harry in this in my mind, and learn every gesture of my body point. -I detest the thing I was.
Pounce. Indeed, Sir Harry, I must tell you Cler. Sen. No, no—You must not do so-Our plainly, that Mr Tipkin, in this, demands nothing joy and grief, honour and reproach, are the same; but what he may recover-For though this case you must slide out of your foppery by degrees, so may be considered multifarium; that is to say, that it may appear your own act.
as 'tis usually, commonly, cicutim, or vulgarly exIrs Clir. But this wench
-Yet, I :a>, when we only observe, that
the power is settled as the law requires, assensu Sir Hur. This is the furniture of my brother's patris, by the consent of the father-That cir- bed-chamber that follows–A suit of tapestry cumstance imports you are well acquainted with hangings, with the story of Judith and Holofernes, the advantages which accrue to your family by torn only where the head should have been off this alliance, which corroborates Mr Tipkin's an old bedstead curiously wrought about the demand, and avoids all objections that can be posts, consisting of two load of timber—a hone, made.
a bason, three razors, and a comb-case Look Sir Hur. Why then I find you are his adviser ye, sir, you see I can item it. in all this
Pouncr. Alas! Sir Harry, if you had ten quire Pounce. Look ye, Sir Harry, to show you I of items, 'tis all answer'd in the word retrospect. love to promote among my clients a good under Sir Har. Why then, Mr Pounce and Mr Tipstanding; though Mr Tipkin may claim four kin, you are both rascals. thousand pounds, I'll engage for him, and I know Tip. Do you call me rascal, Sir Harry ? him so well, that he shall take three thousand Sir Har. Yes, sir. nine hundred and ninety-eight pounds, four shil Tip. Write it down, Mr Pounce-at the end lings, and eight-pence farthing.
of the leaf. Tip. Indeed, Mr Pounce, you are too hard up Sir Har. If you have room, Mr Pounce-put
down villain, son of a whore, curmudgeon, hunks, Pounce. You must consider a little, Sir Harry and scoundrel. is your brother.
Tip. Not so fast, Sir Harry, he cannot write so Sir Har. Three thousand nine hundred and fast, you are at the word villain-Son of a whore, ninety-eight pounds, four shillings, and eight- I take it, was next-You may make the acpence farthing ! for what, I say? for what, sir? count as large as you please, Sir Harry.
Pounce. For what, sir! for what she wanted, Sir Hur. Come, come, I won't be used thus sir, a fine lady is always in want, sir-Her very -Hark ye, sirrah, draw-What do you do at clothes would come to that money in half the this end of the town without a sword ?-Draw, I time.
sayŞir Har. Three thousand nine hundred and Tip. Sir Harry, you are a military man, a coninety-eight pounds, four shillings and eight-pence lonel of the militia. farthing, for clothes ! pray how many suits does Sir Har. I am so, sirrah, and will run such an she wear out in a year?
extorting dog as you through the guts, to show Pounce. Oh, dear sir, a fine lady's clothes are the militia is useful. not old by being worn, but by being seen.
Pounce. Oh dear, oh dear!-How am I conSir Har. Well, I'll save her clothes for the fu- cern’d to see persons of your figure thus moved ture, after I have got her into the country—I'll - The wedding is coming in-We'll settle these warrant her she shall not appear more in this things afterwards. wicked town, where clothes are worn out by Tip. I am calm. sight-And as to what you demand, I tell you, Sir Hur. Tipkin, live these two hours—but sir, 'tis extortion.
expectTip. Sir Harry, do you accuse me of extortion?
Enter HUMPHRY Icading Niece, Mrs CLERI. Sir Har. Yes, I say extortion.
Mont led by FAINLOVE, Capt. CLERIMONT, Tip. Mr Pounce, write down that — There
and CLERIMONT, Sen. are very good laws provided against scandal and Pounce. Who are these? Hey-day, who are calumny--Loss of reputation may tend to loss of these, Sir Harry? Ha! money
Sir Har. Some frolic, 'tis wedding-day-no Pounce. Item, for having accused Mr Tipkin matter. of extortion.
Humph. Haw, baw; father-master uncle Sir Har. Nay, if you come to your items—Look Come, you must stir your stumps, you must dance ye, Mr Tipkin, this is an inventory of such goods -Come, old lads, kiss the ladiesas were left to my niece Bridget, by her deceased Mrs Cler. Mr Tipkin, Sir Harry, I beg pardon father, and which I expect shall be forth-coming for an introduction so inal à-propos—I know at her marriage to any son
sudden familiarity is not the English wayImprimis, A golden locket of her mother's, Alas, Mr Gubbin, this father and uncle of yours with something very ingenious in Latin on the in- must be new modell’d-How they stare, both of side of it.
them! Item, A couple of muskets, with two shoulder Sir Har. Hark ye, Numps, who is this you belts, and bandeliers.
have brought hither? is it not the famous fine Item, A large silver caudle-cup, with a true lady, Mrs Clerimont-What a pox did you let story engraven on it.
her come near your wifePounce. But, Sir flarry
Humph. Look ye, don't expose yourself, and Sir Hur. Item, A base viol, with almost all play some mad country prank to disgrace me bethe strings to it, and only a small hole on the fore her-I shall be laugh’dat, because she knows back.
I understand better. Pounce. But nevertheless, sir
Mrs Cler. I congratulate, madam, your com•
ing out of the bondage of a virgin state—A wo Humph. Oh ho! what, beat a married man ! man cann't do what she will properly, 'till she's hold him, Mr Clerimont, brother Pounce, Mr married.
Wife; nobody stand by a young married man ! Sir Har. Did you hear what she said to your
(Runs behind FAINLOVE. wife :
Sir Har. Did not the dog say, brother Pounce? Enter Aunt, before a service of dishes.
What, is this Mrs Ragoût—this Madam Cleri
mont? Who the devil are you all, but especially Aunt. So, Mr Bridegroom, pray take that who the devil are you two? napkin, and serve your spouse to-day, according (Beats HUMPHRY and FAINLOVE off the to custom.
stage, following. Humph. Mrs Clerimont, pray know my aunt. Tip. (Aside.] Master Pounce, all my niece's
Mrs Cler. Madam, I must beg your pardon ; 1 fortune will be demanded now-for I suppose cann't possibly like all that vast load of meat that that red-coat has her-Don't you think that you you are sending in to table-besides, 'tis so offen- and I had better break. sively sweet, it wants that haut-goût we are so Pounce. You may as soon as you please, but delighted with in France.
my interest to be honest a little longer. Aunt. You'll pardon it, since we did not ex Tip. Well, Biddy, since you would not accept pect you. Who is this?
[ Aside. of your cousin, I hope you ha'n't disposed of yourMrs Cler. Oh, madam, I only speak for the self elsewhere. future, little saucers are so much more polite Niece. If you'll for a little while suspend your Look ye, I'm perfectly for the French way, when- curiosity, you shall have the whole history of my e'er I'm admitted, I take the whole upon me. amour, to this my nuptial day, under the title of
Sir Har. The French, madam!-I'd have you the loves of Clerimunt and Parthenissa. to know
Tip. Then, madam, your portion is in safe Mrs Cler. You'll not like it at first, out of a handsnatural English sullenness, but that will come up Capt. Come, come, old gentleman, 'tis in vain on you by degrees—When I first went into to contend; here's honest Mr Pounce shall be France, I was mortally afraid of a frog, but in a my engineer, and I warrant you, we beat you out little time I could eat nothing else, except sallads. of all your holds.
Aunt. Eat frogs ! have I kiss'd one that has eat Aunt. What, then, is Mr Pounce a rogue? he frogs-paw! paw!
must have some trick, brother ; & cannot be; he Mrs Cler. Oh, madam-A frog and a sallad must have cheated t'other side, for I'm sure he's are delicious fare—'tis not long come up in France honest.
(Apart to Tipkin. itself, but their glorious monarch has introduced Cler. Sen. Mr Poupee, all your sister has won the diet which makes 'em so spiritual
—He of this lady she has honestly put into my hands, eradicated all gross food by taxes, and for the and I'll return it her, at this lady's particular reglory of the monarch sent the subject a-grazing; quest.
[ To POUNCE. but I fear I defer the entertainment and diver Pounce. And the thousand pounds you prosion of the day.
mised in your brother's behalf, I'm willing should Humph. Now, father, uncle -before we go be hers also. any further, I think 'tis necessary we know who Capt. Then go in, and bring 'em all back to and who's together-then I give either of you make the best of an ill game; we'll eat the dintwo hours to guess which is my wife And ner and have a dance together, or we shall trans'tis not my cousin so far I'll tell
all form. Sir Hur. How! What do you say? But oh! -you mean she is not your cousin now-she's Re-enter Fainlove, HUMPHRY, and Sir HARRY. nearer a-kin; that's well enough--Well said, Sir Har. Well, since you say you are worth Numps--Ha, ha, ha!
something, and the boy has set his heart upon Humph. No, I don't mean so, I tell you I don't you, I'll have patience till I see further. -My wife hides her face under her hat. Pounce. Come, come, Sir Harry, you shall find
[All looking at FAINLOVE my alliance more considerable than you imagine; Tip. What does the puppy mean? his wife un the Pounces are a family that will always have der a hat!
money, if there's any in the world--Come, fiddlers. Humph. Ay, ay, that's she, that's she
(Dance here. good jest, 'faith.
Capt. You've seen th' extremes of the domesSir Har. Hark ye, Numps.-what dost mean,
tic life, child ?-Is that a woman, and are you really mar A son too much confined—too free a wife; ried to her?
By generous bonds you either should restrain, Humph. I am sure of both.
And only on their inclinations gain; Sir Har. Are you so, sirrah? then, sirrah, this Wives to obey must love, children revere, is your wedding-dinner, sirrah -Do you see, While only slaves are govern’d by their fear. sirrah, here's roast meat.
(Exeunt omnes. [Shakes his cune at HUMPHRY.
BRITONS, who constant war, with factious rage, Arise, from shame, ye conquering Britons, rise!
Such unadorn’d effeminacy despise ;
, Not what Italians sing, but Romans writ. In tongues unknown; 'tis popery in wit. So shall less work, such as to-night's slight play, The songs, (their selves confess,) from Rome they At your command with justice die away; bring,
'Till then forgive your writers, that cann't bear And 'tis high mass, for aught you know, they sing. You should such very Tramontanes appear, Husbands, take care ! the danger may come nigher, The nation, which contemns you, to revere. The women say their eunuch is a friar.
Let Anna's soil be known for all its charms; But is it not a serious ill to see
As fam’d for liberal sciences, as arms : Europe's great arbiters so mean can be; Let those derision meet, who would advance Passive, with an affected joy to sit,
Manners, or speech, from Italy or France. Suspend their native taste of manly wit ; Let them learn you, who would your favour find, Neglect their comic humour, tragic rage,
And English be the language of mankind. For known defects of Nature, and of age ?