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Cha. Not a sous out of his pocket, I assure Mar: I must confess 'tis a little mal à-propos; you : I had an uncle who defray'd that charge ; but no matter for that. A word with you, Charles. but for soine little wildnesses of youth, though he | Pr’ythee, introduce me to Sir George-he is a made me his heir, left dad my guardian till I came man of wit, and I'd give ten guineas toto years of discretion, which I presume the old Cha. When you have 'em, you mean. gentleman will never think I am! and now, he Mar. Ay, when I have 'em; pugli, pox, you has got the estate into his clutches, it does me no cut the thread of my discourse
I would give more good than if it lay in Prester John's domi ten guineas, I say, to be rank'd in his acquaintance. nions.
Well, 'tis a vast addition to a man's fortune, acSir Geo. What, canst thou find no stratagem cording to the rout of the word, to be seen in to redeem it?
the company of leading men; for then we are all Cha. I have made many essays to no purpose; thought to be politicians, or whigs, or jacks, or though want, the mistress of invention, still tempts high-flyers, or low-flyers, or levellers-and so forth; me on, yet still the old fox is too cunning for for you must know we all herd in parties now. me.-I am upon my last project, which, if it fails, Cha. Then a fool for diversion is out of fashion then for my last refuge, a brown musquet.
I find. Sir Geo. What is't? can I assist thee?
Mar. Yes, without it be a mimicking fool, and Chu. Not yet; when you can, I have confi- they are darlings every where. But, prythee, dence enough in you to ask it.
introduce me. Sir Gw. I am always ready. But what does Cha. Well, on condition you'll give us a true he intend to do with Miranda ? Is she to be sold account how you came by that mourning nose, I in private, or will he put her up by way of auc will. tion, at who bids most? if so, 'egad I'm for him ; Mur, I'll do it. my gold, as you say, shall be subservient to my Cha. Sir George, here's a gentleman has a pasple lire.
sionate desire to kiss your hand. Chu. To deal ingenuously with you, Sir George, Sir Gev. Oh, I honour men of the sword! and I know very little of ber or home; for, since my I presume this gentleman is lately come from uncle's leath and my return from travel, I have Spain or Portugal—by his scars. never been well with my father ; he thinks my ex Jar. No, really, Sir George, mine sprung from pences too great, and I his allowance too little ; civil fury. Happening last night into the groom he never sees me bat he quarrels, and, to avoid porter's--I had a strong inclination to go ten that, I shun his house as much as possible. The guineas with a sort of a, sort of a-kind of a milkreport is, he intends to marry her himself. sop, as I thought. A pox of the dice! he flung Sir Geo. Can she consent to it?
out, and my pockets being empty, as Charles Cha. Yes, faith, so they say : but I tell you, I knows they often are, he proved a surly North am wholly ignorant of the matter. Miranda and Briton, and broke
my face for my deficiency. I are like two violent members of a contrary Sir Geo. Ha, ha ! and did not you draw? party; I can scarce allow her beauty, though all Mar. Draw, sir! why, I did but lay my hand the world does, nor she me civility for that con upon my sword to make a swift retreat, and he tempt. I fancy she plays the mother-in-law al- roar'd out, Now the deel ha ma saul, sir, gin ye ready, and sets the old gentleman on to do mis- touch yer steel l’se whip mine through yer wem. chief.
Sir Geo. Ha, ha, ha! Sir Geo. Then I have your free consent to get Chu. Ha, ha, ha, ha! Safe was the word. So
you walk'd off, I suppose. Cha. Ay, and my helping hand, if occasion be. Mar. Yes, for I avoid fighting, purely to be Şir Geo. Poh! yonder’s a fool coming this way, serviceable to my friends, you knowlet's avoid him.
Sir Geo. Your friends are much obliged to you, Cha. What, Marplot ? No, no, he's my instru- sir: I hope you'll rank me in that number. ment; there's a thousand conveniencies in him; Mar. Sir George, a bow from the side box, or he'll lend me bis money when he has any, run of to be seen in your chariot, binds me ever yours. my errands, and be proud on't ; in short, he'll Sir Geo. 'Trifles ; you may command 'em when pimp for me, lie for ine, drink for me, do any you please. thing but fight for me; and that I trust to my Chu. Provided he may command you. own arm for.
Mar. Me! Why I live for no other purpose Sir Geo. Nay, then, he's to be endured ; I never --Sir George, I have the honour to be caress'd knew his qualifications before.
by most of the reigning toasts of the town: I'll
tell 'em you are the finest gentlemanEnter MARPLOT, with a patch cross his face.
Sir Geo. No, no, pr’ytheė let me alone to tell Mur. Dear Charles, yours-Ha! Sir George the ladies my parts—Can you convey a letter Airy! the man in the world I have an ambition
upon occasion, or deliver a message with an air to be known to. (Aside.) Give me thy, hand, of business, ha?
Mur. With the assurance of a page and the Cha. A good assurance ! But, hark ye, how gravity of a statesman. came your beautiful countenance clouded in the Sir Geo. You know Miranda. wrong place?
Mar. What ! my si:ter ward? why, her guar,
dian is mine; we are fellow-sufferers. Ah, he is Mar. Charles knows I love a glass as well as a covetous, cheating, sanctified curmudgeon: any man; I'll make one; shall it be to-night? that Sir Francis Gripe is a damn'd old-hypo- Adad, I long to know their secrets. (Aside. critical
Enter WHISPER. Cha. Hold, hold; I suppose, friend, you forget that he is my father.
Whisp. Sir, sir, Mrs Patch says Isabinda's SpaMar. 'Egad, and so I did, Charles-I ask your nish father has quite spoild the plot, and she pardon, Charles, but it is for your sake I hate cann’t meet you in the Park, but he infallibly him. Well
, I say the world is mistaken in him; wiil go out this afternoon she says : but I must his outside piety makes him every man's execu step again to know the hour. tor, and his inside cunning makes him every heir’s. Mar. What did Whisper say now ! I shall go gaoler. 'Egad, Charles, I'm half persuaded that stark mad if I'm not let into the secret. (Aside. thou’rt some ward too, and never of his getting Cha. Curst misfortune! for never were two things so unlike as you and Mar. Curst! what's curst, Charles ? your father; he scrapes up every thing, and Cha. Come along with me, my heart feels thou spend'st every thing; every body is indebted pleasure at her name. Sir George, yours; we'll to him, and thou art indebted to every body. meet at the old place the usual hour. Cha. You are very free, Mr Marplot.
Sir Geo. Agrced. I think I see Sir Francis Mar. Ay, I give and take, Charles-you may yonder.
(Exit. be as free with me you know.
Cha. Marplot, you must excuse me; I am enSir Geo. A pleasant fellow.
[Erit, Cha. The dog is diverting sometimes, or there Mar. Engag’d! Egad, I'll engage my life I'll would be no enduring his impertinence. He is know what your engagement is. (Erit. pressing to be employed, and willing to execute; Mir. (Coming out of a chuir.] Let the chair but some ill fate generally attends all he under wait. My servant that dogg'd Sir George said takes, and he oftener spoils an intrigue than he was in the Park. helps it. Mar. I have always your good word, but if I
Enter PATCH, miscarry 'tis none of my fault ; I follow my in- Ha! Miss Patch alone ! did not you tell me you structions.
had contrived a way to bring Isabinda to the Cha. Yes, witness the merchant's wife. Park ? Mur. Pish, pox ! that was an accident.
Patch. Oh, madam, your ladyship cann't imaSir Geo. What was it, pr’ytbee?
gine what a wretched disappointment we have met Mar. Nay, Charles, now don't expose your with! Just as I had fetch'd a suit of my clothes for friend.
a disguise, comes my old master into the closet, Cha. Why, you must know I had lent a cer which is right against her chamber-door: this Lain merchant my hunting horses, and was to struck us into a terrible fright—at length I put on have met his wife in his absence. Sending him a grave face, and ask'd him if he was at leisure along with my groom to make the compliment, for his chocolate? in hopes to draw him out of and to deliver a letter to the lady at the same his hole; but he snapp'd my nose off: No, I time, what does he do but gives the husband the 'shall be busy here these two hours. At which letter, and offers her the horses !
my poor mistress seeing no way of escape, orderMar. Why, to be sure, I did offer her the horses, ed me to wait on your ladyship with the sad reand I remember you was even with me, for you lation. deny'd the letter to be yours, and swore I had a Mir. Unhappy Isabinda! was ever any thing design upon her, which my bones paid for. so unaccountable as the humour of Sir Jealous
Cha. Come, Sir George, let's walk round, if you Traffick? are not engag'd, for I have sent my man upon a Patch. Oh, madam, it's his living so long in little earnest business, and I have ordered him to Spain; he vows he'll spend half his estate, but bring me the answer into the Park.
he'll be a parliament-man, on purpose to bring Mar. Business ! and I not know it ! Egad, I'll in a bill for women to wear veils, and other odiwatch him.
ous Spanish customs—He swears it is the height Sir Geo. I must beg your pardon, Charles, I of impudence to have a woman seen bare-fac'd am to meet your father.
even at church, and scarce believes there's a true Cha. My father!
begotten child in the city, Sir Geo. Ay, and about the oddest bargain, Mir. Ha, ha, ha! how the old fool torments perhaps, you ever heard of ; but I'll not impart himself! Suppose he could introduce his rigid till I know the success.
rules—does he think we could not match them Mar. What can his business be with Sir Fran in contrivance? No, no; let the tyrant man make cis ! Now would I give all the world to know it. what laws he will, if there's a woman under the Why the devil should not one know every man's government, I warrant she finds a way to break concerns !
[ Aside. Is his mind set upon the Spaniard for his Cha. Prosperity to't, whatever it be: I have son-in-law still? private affairs too: over a bottle we'll compare · Patch. Ay, and he expects him by the next potes.
I assure you.
fleet, which drives his daughter to melancholy | experience, thou wilt never be wise; therefore, and despair. But, madam, I find you retain the give me a hundred, and try thy fortune. same gay cheerful spirit you had when I waited Sir Geo. The scruples arose, I find, from the on your ladyship. My lady is mighty good hu- scanty sum. — Let me see-a hundred guineas mour'd too, and I have found a way to make Sir - (Tukes 'em out of a purse and chinks'em.] Ha! Jealous believe I am wholly in his interest, when they have a pretty sound, and a very pleasing my real design is to serve her ; he makes me her look—But then, Miranda—but if she should be gaoler, and I set her at liberty.
cruel Mir. I knew thy prolific brain would be of sin Mir. (Peeping.) As ten to one I shallgular service to her, or I had not parted with thee Sir Fran. Ay, do consider on't. He, he, he! to her father.
Sir Geo. No, I'll do't. Patch. But, madam, the report is that you are Patch. Do't! what, whether you will or no, going to marry your guardian.
madam! Mir. It is necessary such a report should be, Sir Geo. Come, to the point; here's the Patch.
gold ; sum up the conditions.Patch. But is it true, madam?
[Sir Francis pulling out a paper.] Mir. That's not absolutely necessary.
Mir. (Peeping.) Ay, for Heaven's sake do, for Patch. I thought it was only the old strain, my expectation is on the rack. coaxing him still for your own, and railing at all Sir Fran. Well, at your peril be it. the young
fellows about town: in my mind, now, Sir Geo. Ay, ay, go on. you are as ill plagu'd with your guardian, madam, Sir Fran. Imprimis, you are to be admitted inas my lady is with her father.
to my house, in order to move your suit to MiMir. No, I have liberty, wench; that she randa, for the space of ten minutes, without let or wants: what would she give now to be in this dis molestation, provided I remain in the same room. habille in the open air, nay, more, in pursuit of Sir Geo. But out of ear-shot. the young fellow she likes? for that's my case Sir Fran. Well, well, I don't desire to hear
what you say; ha, ha, ha! in consideration I am Patch. As for that, madam, she's even with to have that purse and a hundred guineas. you; for tho' she cann't come abroad, we have Sir Geo. Take it
[Gives him the purse. a way to bring him home in spite of old Argus. Mir. [Peeping.) So, 'tis well it's no worse; I'll
Mir. Now, Patch, your opinion of my choice, fit you bothfor here he comes.-Ha! my guardian with him! Sir Geo. And this agreement is to be performwhat can be the meaning of this? I'm sure Sired to-day. Francis cann't know me in this dress.-Let's ob Sir Fran. Ay, ay; the sooner the better. Poor serve 'em.
(They withdraw. fool! how Miranda and I shall laugh at him!
Well, Sir George, ha, ha, ha! take the last sound Enter Sir Francis GRIPE and Sir GEORGE
of your guineas, ha, ha, ha! [Chinks 'em.] [Exit. AIRY.
Mir. (Peeping.] Sure he does not know I am Sir Frun. Verily, Sir George, thou wilt repent Miranda. throwing away thy money so, for I tell thee sin Sir Geo. A very extraordinary bargain I have cerely, Miranda, my charge, does not like a young made, truly; if she should be really in love with fellow; they are all vicious, and seldom make this old cuff now -Psha! that's morally imgood husbands : in sober sadness she cannot possible.---But then, what hopes have I to sucabide 'em.
ceed? I never spoke to herMir. 'Peeping.) In sober sadness you are mis Mir. (Peeping.) Say you so ? then I am safe. taken. - What can this mean?
Sir Geo. What tho' my tongue never spoke? Sir Geo. Look ye, Sir Francis, whether she my eyes said a thousand things, and my hopes can or cannot abide young fellows is not the bu- fatter'd me hers answer'd 'em. If I'm luckysiness. Will you take the fifty guineas ? if not, it is but a hundred guineas thrown away. Sir Fran. In good truth I will not-for I knew
(MIRANDA and Patch come forwurd. thy father, he was a hearty wary man, and I can Mir. Upon what, Sir George? not consent that his son should squander away Sir Geo. Ha! my incognita—upon a woman, what be sav'd to no purpose.
madam. Mir. (Peeping.] Now, in the name of wonder, Mir. They are the worst things you can deal what bargain can he be driving about me for fifty in, and damage the soonest; your very breath guineas?
destroys 'em, and I fear you'll never see your rePatch. I wish it ben't for the first night's lod- turn, Sir George, ha, ha! ging, madam.
Sir Geo. Were they more brittle than china, Sir Geo. Well, Sir Francis, since you are so and dropped to pieces with a touch, every atom conscientious for my father's sake, then permit of her I have ventur'd at, if she is but mistress of me the favour gratis.
thy wit, balances ten times the sum.-Pry'thee, Mir. (Peeping.] The favour ! O' my life, I be let me see thy face. lieve 'tis as you said, Patch.
Mir. By no means; that may spoil your opiSir Frun. No, verily; if thou dost not buy thy nion of my sense
Sir Geo. Rather confirm it, madam.
Sir Geo. Well, madamPuich. So rob the lady of your gallantry, sir. Mir. I have it -Sir George, 'tis fit you
Sir Geo. No, child, a dish of chocolate in the should allow something; if you'il excuse my morning never spoils my dinner : the other lady face, and turn your back, (if you look upon I design a set meal; so there's no danger. me I shall sink, even ma:k'd as I am) I will
Mir. Matrimony! ha, ha, ha! what crimes confess why I have engaged you so often, wbo have you committed against the god of Love, that I am, and where I live. he should revenge 'em so severely, to stamp hus Sir Geo. Well, to shew you I'm a man of hoband on your forehead?
nour, I accept the conditions: let me but once Sir Geo. For my folly, in having so often met know those, and the face won't be long a secret you here without pursuing the laws of Nature, to me. and exercising her commandBut I resolve Patch. What mean you, madam? ere we part now, to know who you are, where you Mir. To get off. live, what kind of flesh and blood your face is; Sir Geo. 'Tis something indecent to turn one's therefore unmask, and don't put me to the troue back upon a lady; but you command and I obey. ble of doing it for you.
(Turns his back.] Come, madam, beginMır. My face is the same flesh and blood with Mır. First, then, it was my unhappy lot to see my hand, Sir George, which, if you'll be so rude you at Paris, (Druus back u little way,und speaks] to provoke
at a ball upon a birth-day; your shape and air Sir Geo. You'll apply it to my cheek—the la- charm'd my eyes, your wit and complaisance my dies favours are always welcome, but I must have soul, and from that fatal night I loved you. that cloud withdrawn. (Tuking hold of her. Re
[Druu ing back. member you are in the Park, child; and what a And when you left the place, grief seiz'd me so, terrible thing would it be to lose this pretty white Nor rest my heart, nor sleep my eyes could know; hand?
Last I resolved a hazardous point to try, Mir. And how will it sound in a chocolate And quit the place in search of liberty. (Exeunt. house that Sir George Airy rudely pulled off a la Sir Geo. Excellent, I hope she's handsomedy's mask, when he had given her his honour Well, now, madam, to the two other things, your that he never would, directly or indirectly, en- name, and where you live--I am a gentleman, deavour to know her till she gave him leave? and this confession will not be lost upon mePatch. I wish we were safe out.
Nay, pr’ythee don't weep, but go on, for I find Sir Geo. But if that lady thinks fit to pursue my heart melts in thy behalf-Speak quickly, or and meet me at every turn, like some troubled I shall turn about—Not yet-Poor lady! sbe spirit, shall I be blam'd if I enquire into the re expects I should comfort her, and, to do her jusality? I would have nothing dissatisfied in a fe- tice, she has said enough to encourage me.
[Turns about.] Ha! gone! the devil! jilted ! Mir. What shall I do?
(Pauses. Why, what a tale has she invented-of Paris, Sir Geo. Ay, pr’ythee consider, for thou shalt balls, and birth-days !—'Egad, I'd give ten guineas find me very much at thy service.
to know who the gipsey is—A curse of my folly! Parch. Suppose, sir, the lady should be in love I deserve to lose her.- What woman can forgive with you?
a man that turns his back? Sir Geo. Oh! I'll return the obligation in a The bold and resolute in love and war moinent.
To conquer take the right and swiftest way; Patch. And marry her?
The boldest lover soonest gains the fair, Sir Geo. Ha, ha, ha! that's not the way to love As courage makes the rudest force obey : her, child.
Take no denial, and the dames adore ye; Mır. If he discovers me I shall die-_Which Closely pursue them, and they fall before ye. way shall I escape? - let me see. [Pauses.
Sir Fran. And I am to be by too, there's the SCENE I.
jest : adad, if it had been in private, I should not
have car'd to trust the young dog. Enter Sir FRANCIS GRIPE and MIRANDA. Mir. Indeed and indeed but you might,
Gardy-Now, methinks, there's nobody handSir Fran. Ha, ha, ha, ha!
somer than you: so neat, so clean, so good-huMir. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Oh, I shall die mour’d, and so lovingwith laughing—the most romantic adventure Sir Fran. Pretty rogue, pretty rogue ! and so Ha, ha, ha! What does the odious young fop thou shalt find me, if thou dost prefer thy Gardy mean : A hundred pieces to talk ten minutes with before these caperers of the age : thou shalt outme! ha, ha, ha, ha!
shine the queen's box on an opera night; tbou
shalt be the envy of the ring, (for I will carry of guineas, would be more material. Your son thee to Hyde Park) and thy equipage shall sur may have business with you ; I'll retire.
-what d'ye call 'em ambassador's. Šir Fran. I guess his business, but I'll dispatch Mir. Nay, I am sure the discreet part of my him ; I expect the knight cvery minute : you'll be sex will envy me more for the inside furniture, in readiness? when you are in it, than my outside equipage. Mir. Certainly; my expectation is more up
Sir Frun. A cunning baggage, i' faith, thou art, on the wing than yours, old gentleman. [Exit. and a wise one too! and to shew thee that thou Sir Fran. We sir. hast not chose amiss, I'll this moment disinherit Cha. Nay, it is very ill, sir; my circumstances my son, and settle my whole estate upon thee. are, I'm sure. Mir. There's an old rogue now. (Aside.] No,
Sir Fran. And what's that to me, sir ? your Gardy, I would not have your name to be so management should have made them better. black in the world—You know my father's will Chu. If you please to entrust me with the maruns, that I am not to possess my estate, with nagement of my estate, I shall endeavour it, sir. out your consent, till I am five-and-twenty; you Sir Fran. What, to set upon a card, and buy a shall only abate the odd seven years, and make lady's favour at the price of a thousand pieces; to me mistress of my estate to-day, and I'll make rig out an equipage for a wench, or by your careyou master of my person to-morrow.
lessness to enrich your steward, to fine for sheriff, Sir Fran. Humph ! that may not be safe—No, or put up for a parliament man? Chargy, I'll settle it upon thee for pin-money, and Cha. I hope I should not spend it this way: that will be every bit as well, thou know'st. however, I ask only for what my uncle left me;
Mir. Unconscionable old wretch! bribe me yours you may dispose of as you please, sir. with my own money !—Which way shall I get Sir Fran. That I shall, out of your reach, I asout of his hands.
(Aside. sure you, sir. Adad, these young fellows think Sir Fran. Well, what art thou thinking on, my old men get estates for nothing but them to dear, ha? How to banter Sir George?
squander away in dicing, wenching, drinking, Mir. I must not pretend to banter; he knows dressing, and so forth.. my tongue too well. (Aside.] No, Gardy, I Cha. I think I was born a gentleman, sir ; I'm have thought of a way will confound him more sure my uncle bred me like one. than all I could say, if I should talk to him seven Sir Fran. From which you would infer, sir, years.
that gaming, whoring, and the pox are requisites Sir Fran. How's that? Oh! I'm transported, for a gentleman. I'm ravish'd, I'm mad
Cha. Monstrous ! when I would ask him only Mir. It would make you mad if you knew for a support, he falls into these unmannerly reall. [Aside.] I'll nut answer him a word, but be proaches. I must, though against my will, em. dumb to all he says.
ploy invention, and by stratagem relieve myself. Sir Fran. Dumb! good; ha, ha, ha! Excel
[ Aside. lent! ha, ha, ha, ha! I think I have you now, Sir Fran. Sirrah, what is it you mutter, sirrah? Sir George. Dumb! he'll go distracted—well
, ha! (Holds up his cane.) I say you sha'n't have a she's the wittiest rogue.-Ha, ha! dumb! I cann't groat out of my hands till I please-and may but laugh, ha, ha! to think how damn'd mad he'll be I'll never please ; and what's that to you? be when he finds he has given his money away Chu. Nay, to be robb’d, or have one's throat for a dumb show; ha, ha, ha!
cut, is not inuchMir. Nay, Gardy, if he did but know my Sir Frun. What's that, sirrah? would you rob thoughts of him, it would make him ten times me or cut my throat, ye rogue ? madder; ba, ba, ha, ha!
Cha. Heaven forbid, sir ! -I said no such thing. Sir Fran. Ay, so it would, Chargy, to hold him Sir Fran. Mercy on me! what a plague it is in such derision, to scorn to answer him, to be to have a son of one-and-twenty, who wants to dumb! ha, ha, ha!
elbow one out of one's life, to edge himself into
the estate ! .
Mar. Egad, he's here, I was afraid I had lost Sir Frun. Your necessities are very imperti- him : his secret could not be with his father': his nent, and ought to have sent before they enter'd. wants are public there.-Guardian, your servant Cha. Sir, I knew 'twas a word would gain ad
--0, Charles, are you there? I know by that sormittance no where.
rowful countenance of thine the old man's fist is Sir Fran. Then, sirrah, how durst you rudely as close as his strong box-But I'll help thee. thrust that upon your father, which nobody else Sir Fran. So ! here's another extravagant cox
comb, that will spend his fortune before he comes Cha. Sure the name of a son is a sufficient to't; but he shall pay swinging interest, and so plea. I ask this lady's pardon if I have intruded. let the fool go on.-Well
, what, does necessity Sir Fran. Ay, ay, ask her pardon and her bless bring you too, sir? ing too, if you expect any thing from me. Mar. You have hit it, guardian- I want a
Mir. I Believe yours, Sir Francis, in a purse hundred pounds.