Isab. Undone for ever! if he sees you, I shall | never see you more. Patch. I have thought on it: run you to your chamber, madam; and, sir, come you along with me; I'm certain you may easily get down from the balcony. Cha. My life! adieu-Lead on, guide. SCENE III.-Changes to the Street. Mar. Mince meat! Ah, poor Charles, how I sweat for thee! 'Egad, he's old-I fancy I might bully him, and make Charles have an opinion of my courage. 'Egad, I'll pluck up, and have a touch with him. Sir Jeal. My own key shall let me in; I'll give them no warning. [Feeling for his key. Mar. What's that you say, sir? [Going up to Sir JEAL. Sir Jeat. What's that to you, sir? [Turns quick upon him. Mar. Yes, 'tis to me, sir, for the gentleman you threaten is a very honest gentleman. Look to't, for if he comes not as safe out of your house as he went in Sir Jeal. What, is he in then? Mar. Yes, sir, he is in then; and I say if he does not come out, I have half-a-dozen myrmidons hard by shall beat your house about your ears. Sir Jeal. Ah! a combination to undo meI'll myrmidon you, ye dog you-Thieves! thieves! [Beats MARPLOT all the while he cries thieves. Mar. Murder, murder! I was not in your house, sir. Enter Servant. Serv. What's the matter, sir? opera. Sir Jeal. The matter, rascal! you have let a man into my house, but I'll flay him alive. Follow me; I'll not leave a mouse-hole unsearched. If I find him, by St Iago, I'll equip him for the [Exeunt Sir JEAL. and Serv. Mar. A deuce of his cane! there's no trusting to age!-What shall I do to relieve Charles? 'egad, I'll raise the neighbourhood.- -Murder! murder!-[CHARLES drops down upon him from the balcony.] Charles, faith, I'm glad to see thee safe out with all my heart! Cha. A pox of your bawling! how the devil came you here? Mar. 'Egad, it's very well for you that I was here; I have done you a piece of service: I told the old thunderbolt that the gentleman that was gone in was Cha. Was it you that told him, sir? [Laying atoms. hold of him.] 'Sdeath! I could crush thee into [Exit CHARLES. Mar. What! will you choke me for my kindness?-Will my inquiring soul never leave searching into other people's affairs till it gets squeezed out of my body! I dare not follow him now for my blood, he's in such a passion.-I'll to Miranda; if I can discover aught that may oblige Sir George, it may be a means to reconcile me again to Charles. Sir Jcal. [Within.] Look about! search! find him out! Mar. Oh, the devil! there's old Crabstick again. [Exit. Enter Sir JEALOUS and his Servants. Sir Jeal. Are you sure you have searched every where? Serv. Yes, from the top of the house to the bottom. sir. Sir Jeal. Under the beds and over the beds? Serv. Yes, and in them too, but found nobody, Sir Jeal. Why, what could this rogue mean? out. Enter ISABINDA and PATCH. Patch. Take courage, madam, I saw him safe [Aside to ISAB. Isub. Bless me! what's the matter, sir? Sir Jeal. You know best-Pray where's the man that was here just now? Isub. What man, sir? I saw none. Patch. Nor I, by the trust you repose in me. Do you think I would let a man come within these doors when you are absent? Sir Jeal. Ah, Patch! she may be too cunning for thy honesty: the very scout that he had set to give warning discovered it to me-and threatened me with half-a-dozen myrmidons-but I think I mauled the villain. These afflictions you draw upon me, mistress! Isab. Pardon me, sir, 'tis your own ridiculous humour draws you into these vexations, and gives every fool pretence to banter you. Sir Jeal. No, 'tis your idle conduct, your coquettish flirting in the balcony-Oh! with what joy shall I resign thee into the arms of Don Diego Babinetto! Isab. And with what industry shall I avoid him! [Aside. the man, or I'll lose the reputation of contriving, [Exeunt. SCENE IV.-Sir FRANCIS GRIPE'S House. Enter Sir FRANCIS and MIRANDA meeting. Mr. Well, Gardy, how did I perform the dumb scene? Sir Fran. If wearing pearls and jewels, or eating gold, as the old saying is, can make thee hap py, thou shalt be so, my sweetest, my lovely, my charming, my-verily I know not what to call thee. Mir. You must know, Gardy, that I am so eager to have this business concluded, that I have employed my woman's brother, who is a lawyer in the Temple, to settle matters just to your liking; you are to give your consent to my marriage, which is to yourself you know: but, mum, you must take no notice of that. So then I will, that is, with your leave, put my writings into his hands; then to-morrow we come slap upon them with a wedding that nobody thought on, by which you seize me and my estate, and suppose make a bonfire of your own act and deed. Sir Fran. To admiration-Thou dear little rogue! let me buss thee for it: nay, adad, I will, Chargy, so muzzle, and tuzzle, and hug thee; II will, i'faith, I will. [Hugging and kissing her. Mir. Nay, Gardy, don't be so lavish. Who would ride post when the journey lasts for life? Sir Fran. Ah wag, ah wag! I'll buss thee again for that. Oh, I'm transported! When, when, my dear! wilt thou convince the world of the happy day? when shall we marry, ha? Mir. There's nothing wanting but your consent, Sir Francis. Sir Fran. My consent! what does my charmer mean? Mir. Nay, 'tis only a whim; but I'll have every thing according to form-therefore when you sign an authentic paper, drawn up by an able lawyer, that I have your leave to marry, the next day makes me yours, Gardy. Sir Fran. Ha, ha, ha! a whim indeed! why is it not demonstration I give my leave when I marry thee? Mir. Not for your reputation, Gardy; the malicious world will be apt to say you trick me into marriage, and so take the merit from my choice: now I will have the act my own, to let the idle fops see how much I prefer a man loaded with years and wisdom. Sir Fran. Humph! Pr'ythee leave out years, Chargy; I'm not so old, as thou shalt find. Adad, I'm young: there's a caper for ye! [Jumps. Mir. Oh, never excuse it; why, I like you the better for being old-but I shall suspect you don't love me if you refuse me this formality. Sir Fran. Not love thee, Chargy! Adad, I do love thee better than, than, than, better than— what shall I say?'egad, better than money; i'faith, I do Mir. That's false I'm sure. [Aside.] To prove it, do this then. Sir Fran. Well, I will do it, Chargy, provided I bring a licence at the same time. Mir. Ay, and a parson too if you please.Ha, ha, ha! I cann't help laughing to think how all the young coxcombs about town will be mortified when they hear of our marriage. Sir Fran. So they will, so they will; ha, ha, ha! Mir. Well, I fancy I shall be so happy with my Gardy Sir Fran. Nay, but, Chargy, if Mir. Nay, Gardy, no ifs.- -Have I refused three northern lords, two British peers, and half a score knights, to have you put in your ifs? Sir Fran. So thou hast indeed, and I will trust to thy management. 'Od, I'm all of a fire. Mir. 'Tis a wonder the dry stubble does not blaze. Enter MARPLOT. Sir Fran. How now, who sent for you, sir? Mar. Ay, what's that? Sir Fran. Manners! What, had I no servants without? Mar. None that could do my business, guardian, which is at present with this lady. Mir. With me, Mr Marplot! what is it, I beseech you? Sir Fran. Ay, sir, what is it? any thing that relates to her may be delivered to me. Mur. I deny that. Mir. That's more than I do, sir. Mar. Indeed, madam! Why then to proceed: Fame says, you know best whether she lies or not, that you and my most conscionable guardian here, designed, contrived, plotted, and agreed, to chouse a very civil, honest, honourable gentleman out of a hundred pounds: Guilty or not? Mir. That I contrived it! Mar. Ay, you-you said never a word against it, so far you are guilty. Sir Fran. Pray, tell that civil, honest, honourable gentleman, that if he has any more such sums to fool away, they shall be received like the last; ha, ha, ha! Choused, quoth-a! But hark ye, let him know at the same time, that if he dare to report I tricked him of it, I shall recommend a lawyer to him shall shew him a trick for twice as much. D'ye hear? tell him that. Mar. So, and this is the way you use a gentleman, and my friend! Mir. Is the wretch thy friend? Mar. The wretch! look ye, madam, don't call names, 'egad, I won't take it. Mir. Why, you won't beat me, will you? Ha, ha, ha! Mar. I don't know whether I will or no. Sir Fran. Sir, I shall make a servant shew you out at the window if you are saucy. Mar. I am your most humble servant, guardian; I design to go out the same way I came in. I would only ask this lady one question:Don't you think he's a fine gentleman ? Sir Fran. Who's a fine gentleman? Mar. Not you, Gardy, not you !-Don't you think in your soul that Sir George Airy is a very fine gentleman? Mir. He dresses well. Sir Fran. Which is chiefly owing to his tailor and valet-de-chambre. Mar. Well, and who is your dress owing to, ha? There's a beau, ma'am-do but look at him! Sir Fran. Sirrah! Mir. And if being a beau be a proof of his being a fine gentleman, he may be so. Mar. He may be so! Why, ma'am, the judicious part of the world allow him wit, courage, gallantry, ay, and economy too, though I think he forfeited that character when he flung away a hundred pounds upon your dumb ladyship. Sir Fran. Does that gall him? Ha, ha, ha ! Mir. So Sir George, remaining in deep discontent, has sent you, his trusty squire, to utter his complaint. Ha, ha, ha! Mar. Yes, madam; and you, like a cruel hardhearted Jew, value it no more-than I would your ladyship, were I Sir George; you, you, you Mir. Oh, don't call names: I know you love to be employed, and I'll oblige you, and you shall carry him a message from me. Mar. According as I like it. What is it? Mir. Nay, a kind one you may be sure- -First, tell him I have chose this gentleman to have and to hold, and so forth. [Clapping her hand into Sir FRANCIS'S. Mar. Much good may do you! Sir Fran. Oh, the dear rogue! how I dote on her! [Aside. Mir. And advise his impertinence to trouble me no more, for I prefer Sir Francis for a husband before all the fops in the universe. Mar. Oh Lord, oh Lord! she's bewitch'd, that's certain. Here's a husband for eighteenhere's a tit bit for a young lady-here's a shape, an air, and a grace-here's bones rattling in a leathern bag-[Turning Sir FRANCIS about here's buckram and canvas to scrub you to repentance. Sir Fran. Sirrah, my cane shall teach you repentance presently. Mar. No, faith, I have felt its twin brother from just such a wither'd hand too lately. Mir. One thing more:-advise him to keep from the garden-gate on the left hand, for if he dare to saunter there, about the hour of eight, as he us'd to do, he shall be saluted with a pistol, or a blunderbuss. Sir Fran. Oh, monstrous! Why, Chargy, did he use to come to the garden-gate? Mir. The gard'ner described just such another man that always watch'd his coming out, and fain would have bribed him for his entranceTell him he shall find a warm reception if he comes this night. Mar. Pistols and blunderbusses! 'Egad, a warm reception indeed! I shall take care to inform him of your kindness, and advise him to keep farther off. Mir. I hope he will understand my meaning better than to follow your advice. [Aside. Sir Fran. Thou hast signed, seal'd, and ta'en possession of my heart for ever, Chargy, ha, ha, ha! and for you, Mr Saucebox, let me have no more of your messages, if ever you design to inherit your estate, gentleman. Mar. Why, there 'tis now. Sure I shall be out of your clutches one day-Well, guardian, I say no more: but if you be not as arrant a cuckold as e'er drove bargain upon the Exchange, or paid attendance to a court, I am the son of a whetstone; and so your humble servant. Mir. Mr Marplot, don't forget the message! ha, ha, ha, ha! Mar. Nang, nang, nang! [Exit. Sir Fran. I am so provok'd-'tis well he's gone. Mir. Oh, mind him not, Gardy, but let's sign articles, and then Sir Fran. And then-Adad, I believe I am metamorphos'd, my pulse beats high, and my blood boils, methinks [Kissing and hugging her. Mir. O fie, Gardy! be not so violent: consider the market lasts all the year.-Well; I'll in, and see if the lawyer be come: you'll follow ? [Exit. Sir Fran. Ay, to the world's end, my dear! Well, Frank, thou art a lucky fellow in thy old age to have such a delicate morsel, and thirty thousand pounds in love with thee. I shall be the envy of bachelors, the glory of married men, and the wonder of the town. Some guardians would be glad to compound for part of the estate at dispatching an heiress, but I engross the whole. O! mihi præteritos referet si Jupiter annos! [Exit. SCENE V.-Changes to a Tavern, discovers Sir GEORGE and CHARLES with wine before them, and WHISPER waiting. Sir Geo. Nay, pr'ythee, don't be grave, Charles: misfortunes will happen. Ha, ha, ha! 'tis some comfort to have a companion in our sufferings. Cha. I am only apprehensive for Isabinda; her father's humour is implacable; and how far his jealousy may transport him to her undoing, shocks my soul to think. Sir Geo. But since you escap'd undiscover'd by him, his rage will quickly lash into a calm, never fear it. Enter WHISPER with pen, ink, and paper. Mar. You'd say it was no good sign, if you knew all. Sir Geo. Why, pr'ythee? Mar. Hark'e, Sir George, let me warn you; pursue your old haunt no more; it may be dangerous. [CHARLES sits down to write. Cha. But who knows what that unlucky dog, Marplot, told him, nor can I imagine what brought him hither: that fellow is ever doing mischief; and yet, to give him his due, he never designs it. This is some blundering adventure wherein he thought to shew his friendship, as het, calls it! a curse on him! Sir Geo. Then you must forgive him. said he? Cha. Said! nay, I had more mind to throat, than to hear his excuses. Sir Geo. Where is he? What cut his Whisp. Sir, I saw him go into Sir Francis Gripe's just now. Cha. Oh! then he's upon your business, Sir George: a thousand to one but he makes some mistake there too. Sir Geo. Impossible, without he huffs the lady, and makes love to Sir Francis. Enter Drawer. Sir Geo. My old haunt! what do you mean? Mar. Why in short then, since you will have Miranda vows if you dare approach the gardengate at eight o'clock, as you us'd, you shall meet with a warm reception. Sir Geo. A warm reception! Mar. Ay, a very warm reception—you shall be saluted with a blunderbuss, sir. These were her very words: nay, she bid me tell you so too. Sir Geo. Ha! the garden-gate at eight, as I us'd to do! There must be meaning in this. Is there such a gate, Charles? Mar. Is there such a gate, Charles? Cha. Yes, yes, it opens into the Park: I suppose her ladyship has made many a scamper through it. Sir Geo. It must be an assignation then. Ha! my heart springs for joy; 'tis a propitious omen. My dear Marplot! let me embrace thee; thou Draw. Mr Marplot is below, gentlemen, and desires to know if he may have leave to wait up-art my friend, my better angel. on ye. Cha. How civil the rogue is when he has done a fault! Sir Geo. Ho! desire him to walk up. Pr'ythee, Charles, throw off this chagrin, and be good company. Cha. Nay, hang him, I'm not angry with him. Enter MARPLOT. Mar. Dear Charles! don't overwhelm a man already under insupportable affliction. I'm sure I always intend to serve my friends, but if my malicious stars deny the happiness, is the fault mine? Sir Geo. Never mind him, Mr Marplot; he's eat up with spleen. But tell me what says Miranda? Mar. Says!-nay, we are all undone there too. Cha. I told you so: nothing prospers that he undertakes. Mar. Why, can I help her having chose your father for better for worse? Cha. So; there's another of Fortune's strokes. I suppose I shall be edged out of my estate with twins every year, let who will get 'em. Sir Geo. What! is the woman really possess'd? Mar. Yes, with the spirit of contradiction: she rail'd at you most prodigiously, Sir Geo. That's no ill sign. Mar. What do you mean, Sir George? Sir Geo. No matter what I mean. Here, take a bumper to the garden-gate, you dear rogue you! Mar. You have reason to be transported, Sir George; I have sav'd your life. Sir Geo. My life! thou hast sav'd my soul, man. Charles, if thou dost not pledge this health, may'st thou never taste the joys of love. Cha. Whisper, be sure you take care how you deliver this. [Gives him the letter.] Bring me the answer to my lodgings. Whisp. I warrant you, sir. Mar. Whither does that letter go? Now dare I not ask for my blood-That fellow knows more secrets than I do. [Exit WHISPER. Cha. Now I'm for you. Sir Geo. To the garden-gate at the hour of eight, Charles: along; huzza! Cha. I begin to conceive you. Mar. That's more than I do, egad-To the garden-gate, huzza! [Drinks.] But I hope you design to keep far enough off on't, Sir George. Sir Geo. Ay, ay, never fear that; she shall see I despise her frowns; let her use the blunderbuss against the next fool; she sha'n't reach me with the smoke I warrant her; ha, ha, ha! Mar. Ah, Charles! if you could receive a disappointment thus en cavalier, one should have some comfort in being beat for you. Cha. The fool comprehends nothing. Sir Geo. Nor would I have him. Pr'ythee, take him along with thee. Cha. Enough. Sir Geo. I kiss both your hands-And now for the garden-gate. It's beauty gives the assignation there, And love too powerful grows t'admit of fear. [Exit. Cha. Come, you shall go home with me. Mar. Shall I! and are we friends, Charles ?-I am glad of it. [Exit CHARLES. Cha. Come along. Mar. 'Egad, Charles' asking me to go home with him gives me a shrewd suspicion there's more in the garden-gate than I comprehend. Faith, I'll give him the drop, and away to Gardy's, and find it out. [Exit. ACT IV. SCENE I.-The outside of Sir JEALOUS TRAFFICK'S House; PATCH peeping out of the door. Enter WHISPER. Whisp. Ha! Mrs Patch, this is a lucky minute, to find you so readily; my master dies with impatience. Patch. My lady imagined so, and by her orders I have been scouting this hour in search of you, to inform you that Sir Jealous has invited some friends to supper with him to-night, which gives an opportunity to your master to make use of his ladder of ropes. The closet window shall be open, and Isabinda be ready to receive him. Bid him come immediately. Serv. That they'd all wait on you, sir, as I told you before; but I suppose you forgot it, sir. Sir Jeal. Did I so, sir? but I sha'n't forget to break your head if any of them come, sir. Serv. Come, sir! why, did not you send me to desire their company, sir? Sir Jeal. But I send you now to desire their absence. Say I have something extraordinary fallen out, which calls me abroad contrary to expectation, and ask their pardon; and, d'ye hear, send the butler to me. Serv. Yes, sir. [Exit. Enter Butler. Sir Jeal. If this paper has a meaning I'll find Whisp. Excellent! he'll not disappoint, I war-it-Lay the cloth in my daughter's chamber, and rant him.—But hold, I have a letter here which bid the cook send supper thither presently. I'm to carry an answer to. I cann't think what But. Yes, sir.-Hey-day! what's the matter language the direction is. now? Patch. Pho! 'tis no language, but a character which the lovers invented to avert discoveryHa! I hear my old master coming down stairs: it is impossible you should have an answer: away, and bid him come himself for that. Be gone; we're ruin'd if you're seen, for he has doubled his care since the last accident. Whisp. I go, I go. [Exit. Patch. There, go you into my pocket. [Puts it beside, and it falls down.] Now I'll up the back stairs, lest I meet him-Well, a dexterous chamber-maid is the ladies' best utensil, I say. [Exit. Enter Sir JEALOUS, with a letter in his hand. Sir Jeal. So, this is some comfort: this tells me that Signior Don Diego Babinetto is safely arrived. He shall marry my daughter the minute he comes-Ha, ha! what's here? [Takes up the letter PATCH dropped.] A letter! I don't know what to make of the superscription. I'll see what's within-side. [Opens it.]-Humph-'tis Hebrew I think. What can this mean?-There must be some trick in it. This was certainly design'd for my daughter; but I don't know that she can speak any language but her mother tongue-No matter for that; this may be one of Love's hieroglyphics; and I fancy I saw Patch's tail sweep by: that wench may be a slut, and instead of guarding my honour, betray it. I'll find it out, I'm resolved-Who's there? Enter Servant. What answer did you bring from the gentlemen I sent you to invite? [Exit. Sir Jeal. He wants the eyes of Argus that has a young handsome daughter in this town; but my comfort is I shall not be troubled long with her. He that pretends to rule a girl once in her teens, had better be at sea in a storm, and would be in less danger; For let him do or counsel all he can, She thinks and dreams of nothing else but man. [Exit. SCENE II.-ISABINDA'S Chamber. ISABINDA and PATCH. Isab. Are you sure nobody saw you speak to Whisper? Patch. Yes, very sure, madam; but I heard Sir Jealous coming down stairs, so clapt his letter into my pocket. [Feels for the letter. Isub. A letter! give it me quickly. Patch. Bless me! what's become on't-I'm sure I put it[Searching still. Isab. Is it possible thou couldst be so careless? -Oh, I'm undone for ever if it be lost. Patch. I must have dropt it upon the stairs.But why are you so much alarm'd? if the worst happens, nobody can read it, madam, nor find out whom it was design'd for. Isab. If it falls into my father's hands, the very figure of a letter will produce ill consequences. Run and look for it upon the stairs this moment. Patch. Nay, I'm sure it can be no where else -[As she is going out of the door meets the Butler.] How now, what do you want? But. My master ordered me to lay the cloth here for supper. |