Page images
PDF
EPUB

Isab. Ruin'd past redemption- [Aside. Patch. You mistake, sure. What shall we do? Isab. I thought he expected company to-night -Oh, poor Charles! oh, unfortunate Isabinda! But. I thought so too, madam; but I suppose he has alter'd his mind. [Lays the cloth, and exit. Isab. The letter is the cause. This heedless action has undone me. Fly and fasten the closet window, which will give Charles notice to retire. Ha! my father! oh, confusion!

Enter Sir JEALOUS.

Sir Jeal. Hold, hold, Patch; whither are you going? I'll have nobody stir out of the room till

after supper.

Patch. Sir, I was going to reach your easy chair-oh, wretched accident!

Sir Jeal. I'll have nobody stir out of the room. I don't want my easy chair.

Isab. What will be the event of this? [Aside. Sir Jeal. Hark ye, daughter, do you know this hand?

Isub. As I suspected-Hand do you call it, sir? 'tis some school-boy's scrawl.

Patch. Oh, Invention! thou chamber-maid's best friend, assist me!

Sir Jeal. Are you sure you don't understand it? [PATCH feels in her bosom and shakes her coats. Isub. Do you understand it, sir?

Sir Jeul. I wish I did.

Isab. Thank Heaven you do not. [Aside.] Then I know no more of it than you do, indeed, sir. Patch. Oh Lord, Oh Lord! what have you done, sir? why, the paper is mine; I dropp'd it out of my bosom. [Snatching it from him. Sir Jeal. Ha! yours, mistress? Isab. What does she mean by owning it? Patch. Yes, sir, it is.

Sir Jeal. What is it? speak.

Patch. Yes, sir, it is a charm for the toothache-I have worn it these seven years; 'twas given me by an angel, for aught I know, when I was raving with the pain, for nobody knew from whence he came nor whither he went. He charged me never to open it, lest some dire vengeance befal me, and Heaven knows what will be the event. Oh, cruel misfortune! that I should drop it and you should open it-If you had not open'd it

Isab. Excellent wench!

[Aside.

Sir Jeal. Pox of your charms and whims for me! if that be all 'tis well enough: there, there, burn it, and I warrant you no vengeance will follow.

Patch. So all's right again thus far. [Aside. Isab. I would not lose Patch for the world— I'll take courage a little. [Aside.] Is this usage for your daughter, sir? Must my virtue and conduct be suspected for every trifle? You immure me like some dire offender here, and deny me all the recreations which my sex enjoy, and the custom of the country and modesty allow; yet not content with that, you make my confinement

more intolerable by your mistrusts and jealousies. Would I were dead, so I were free from this!

Sir Jeal. To-morrow rids you of this tiresome load: Don Diego Babinetto will be here, and then my care ends and his begins. Isab. Is he come then?-Oh, how shall I avoid this hated marriage? [Aside.

Enter Servants with supper.

Sir Jeal. Come, will you sit down?
Isab. I cann't eat, sir.

Patch. No, I dare swear he has given her supper enough. I wish I could get into the closet.

[Aside.

Sir Jeal. Well, if you cann't eat, then give me a song whilst I do.

Isab. I have such a cold I can scarce speak, sir, much less sing. How shall I prevent Charles coming in? [dside.

Sir Jeal. I hope you have the use of your fingers, madam. Play a tune upon your spinet whilst your woman sings me a song.

Patch. I'm as much out of tune as my lady, if

he knew all.

Isab. I shall make excellent music.

[Aside.

[blocks in formation]

[Sings, but horridly out of tune. Sir Jeal. Hey, hey! why, you are a-top of the house, and you are down in the cellar. What is the meaning of this? is it on purpose to cross me, ha?

Patch. Pray, madam, take it a little lower; I cannot reach that note-nor any note I fear. Isab. Well, begin-Oh, Patch, we shall be discover'd.

Patch. I sink with apprehension, madam.— Humph, humph-[Sings.]

[CHARLES opens the closet door. Cha. Music and singing!

'Tis thus the bright celestial court above Beguiles the hours with music and with love. Death! her father there! [The women shriek] Then I must fly-[Exit into the closet] [Sir JEALOUS rises up hastily, seeing CHARLES slip back into the closet.

Sir Jeal. Hell and furies! a man in the closet!

Patch. Ah! a ghost! a ghost!-He must not enter the closet-[ISABINDA throws herself down before the closet door, as in a swoon.

Sir Jeal. The devil! I'll make a ghost of him I warrant you. [Strives to get by. Patch. Oh, hold, sir, have a care; you'll tread upon my lady-Who waits there? bring some water. Oh! this comes of your opening the charm. Oh, oh, oh, oh! [Weeps aloud. Sir Jeat. I'll charm you, housewife. Here lies the charm that conjur'd this fellow in, I'm sure on't. Come out, you rascal, do so. Zounds! take her from the door, or I'll spurn her from it, and break your neck down stairs.

Isub. He's gone; I heard him leap down.

[Aside to PATCH.

Patch. Nay then, let him enter-Here, here, madam, smell to this: come, give me your hand; come nearer to the window; the air will do you good.

Sir Jeal. I would she were in her grave. Where are you, sirrah? Villain! robber of my honour! I'll pull you out of your nest. Goes into the closet. Patch. You'll be mistaken, old gentleman; the bird is flown.

Isab. I'm glad I have 'scap'd so well; I was almost dead in earnest with the fright.

Re-enter Sir JEALOUS out of the closet.

Sir Jeal. Whoever the dog was, he has escaped out of the window, for the sash is up: but though he is got out of my reach, you are not. And first, Mrs Pander, with your charms for the tooth-ache, get out of my house, go, troop; yet hold, stay, I'll see you out of my doors myself; but I'll secure your charge ere I

go.

Isub. What do you mean, sir? was she not a creature of your own providing?

Sir Jeal. She was of the devil's providing, for aught I know.

Patch. What have I done, sir, to merit your displeasure?

Sir Jeal. I don't know which of you have done it, but you shall both suffer for it, till I can discover whose guilt it is. Go, get in there; I'll move you from this side of the house. [Pushes ISABINDA in at the door and locks it, puts the key in his pocket.] I'll keep the key myself; I'll try what ghost will get into that room: and now, forsooth, I'll wait on you down stairs.

Patch. Ah, my poor lady!-Down stairs, sir? but I won't go out, sir, till I have lock'd up my clothes.

Sir Jeal. If thou wert as naked as thou wert

born, thou shouldst not stay to put on a smock. Come along, I say. When your mistress is marry'd, you shall have your rags and every thing that belongs to you; but till then

[Exit, pulling her out Patch. Oh, barbarous usage for nothing.

Re-enter at the lower end.

Sir Jeal. There, go, and come no more within sight of my habitation these three days, I charge you. [Slaps the door after her. Patch. Did ever any body see such an old monster !

Enter CHARLES.

Oh, Mr Charles! your affairs and mine are in an ill posture.

Chu. I am inur'd to the frowns of fortune; but what has befall'n thee?

Putch. Sir Jealous, whose suspicious nature is always on the watch, nay, even while one eye sleeps the other keeps centinel, upon sight of you flew into such a violent passion, that I could find no stratagem to appease him, but in spite of all arguments he lock'd his daughter into his own apartment, and turn'd me out of doors.

Cha. Ha! oh, Isabinda!

Patch. And swears she shall see neither sun nor moon till she is Don Diego Babinetto's wife, who arrived last night, and is expected with impatience.

Cha. He dies; yes, by all the wrongs of love he shall! here will I plant myself, and through my breast he shall make his passage if he enters.

Patch. A most heroic resolution! there might be ways found out more to your advantage: policy is often preferr'd to open force.

Cha. I apprehend you not.

Patch. What think you of personating this Spaniard, imposing upon the father, and marrying your mistress by his own consent?

Chu. Say'st thou so, my angel! Oh, could that be done, my life to come would be too short to recompense thee: but how can I do that when I neither know what ship he came in, nor from what part of Spain, who recommends him, or how attended?

Patch. I can solve all this. He is from Madrid, his father's name Don Pedro Questo Portento Babinetto. Here's a letter of his to Sir Jealous, which he dropt one day. You understand Spanish, and the hand may be counterfeited. You conceive me, sir.

Cha. My better genius! thou hast reviv'd my drooping soul. I'll about it instantly. Come to my lodgings, and we will concert matters.

[Exeunt.

SCENE III.-A Garden-gate open, SCENTWELL waiting within.

Enter Sir George AIRY.

Sir Geo. So, this is the gate, and most invi

tingly open. If there should be a blunderbuss here now, what a dreadful ditty would my fall make for fools, and what a jest for the wits; how my name would be roar'd about the streets! Well, I'll venture all.

Scent. Hist, hist! Sir George Airy—

[Enters. Sir Geo. A female voice! thus far I'm safeMy dear!

Scent. No, I'm not your dear, but I'll conduct you to her. Give me your hand; you must go through many a dark passage and dirty step before you arrive

Sir Geo. I know I must before I arrive at paradise; therefore be quick, my charming guide. Scent. For aught you know. Come, come, your hand, and away.

Sir Geo. Here, here, child; you cann't be half so swift as my desires. [Exeunt.

SCENE IV.-The House.

Enter MIRANDA.

ness, since our wooing has been short, pray reserve it for our future days, to let the world see we are lovers after wedlock; 'twill be a novelty.

Sir Geo. Haste then, and let us tie the knot, and prove the envy'd pair—

Mir. Hold, not so fast; I have provided better than to venture on dangerous experiments headlong-My guardian, trusting to my dissembled love, has given up my fortune to my own disposal, but with this proviso, that he to-morrow morning weds me. He is now gone to Doctors Commons for a licence.

Sir Geo. Ha! a licence!

Mir. But I have planted emissaries that infallibly take him down to Epsom, under a pretence that a brother usurer of his is to make him his executor, the thing on earth he covets.

Sir Geo. 'Tis his known character.

Mir. Now my instruments confirm him this man is dying, and he sends me word he goes this minute. It must be to-morrow ere he can be undeceiv'd: that time is ours.

Mir. Well, let me reason a little with my Sir Geo. Let us improve it then, and settle on mad self. Now, don't I transgress all rules, to our coming years endless, endless happiness. venture upon a man without the advice of the Mir. I dare not stir till I hear he's on the grave and wise! But then a rigid, knavish guar-road-then I and my writings, the most mate dian who would have married me-to whom?rial point, are soon remov❜d. even to his nauseous self, or nobody. Sir George is what I have try'd in conversation, inquir'd into his character, and am satisfied in both. Then his love! Who would have given a hundred pounds only to have seen a woman he had not infinitely lov'd? So I find my liking him has furnished me with arguments enough of his side; and now the only doubt remains whether he will come or

no.

Enter SCENTWELL and Sir GEORGE. Scent. That's resolv'd, madam, for here's the knight. [Exit SCENTWELL. Sir Geo. And do I once more behold that love

ly object, whose idea fills my mind, and forms pleasing dreams!

my

Mir. What, beginning again in heroic!-Sir George, don't you remember how little fruit your last prodigal oration produc'd? Not one bare single word in answer.

Sir Geo. Ha! the voice of my incognita! Why did you take ten thousand ways to captivate a heart your eyes alone had vanquish'd?

Mir. Pr'ythee, no more of these flights; for our time's but short, and we must fall to business. Do you think we can agree on that same terrible bugbear matrimony, without heartily repenting on both sides?

Sir Geo. It has been my wish since first my longing eyes beheld you.

Mir. And your happy ears drank in the pleasing news I had thirty thousand pounds.

Sir Geo. Unkind! did I not offer you, in those purchas'd minutes, to run the risk of your fortune, so you would but secure that lovely person to my arms?

Mir. Well, if you have such love and tender

Sir Geo. I have one favour to ask: if it lies in your power, you would be a friend to poor Charles; though the son of this tenacious man, he is as free from all his vices as nature and a good education can make him; and what now I have vanity enough to hope will induce you, he is the man on earth I love.

Mir. I never was his enemy, and only put it on as it help'd my designs on his father. If his uncle's estate ought to be in his possession, which I shrewdly suspect, I may do him a singular piece of service.

Sir Geo. You are all goodness.

Enter SCENTWELL.

Scent. Oh, madam! my master and Mr Marplot are just coming into the house.

Mir. Undone, undone ! if he finds you here in this crisis all my plots are unravell'd.

Sir Geo. What shall I do? cann't I get back into the garden?

Scent. Oh no! he comes up those stairs. Mir. Here, here, here! can you condescend to stand behind this chimney-board, Sir George? Sir Geo. Any where, any where, dear madam! without ceremony.

Scent. Come, come, sir, lie close.

[They put him behind the chimney-board. Enter Sir FRANCIS, and MARPLOT, Sir FRANCIS peeling an orange.

Sir Fran. I could not go, though 'tis upon life and death, without taking leave of dear Chargy. Besides, this fellow buzz'd into my ears that thou might'st be so desperate as to shoot that wild rake which haunts the garden-gate, and that would bring us into trouble, dear

Mir. So Marplot brought you back then? Mar. Yes, I brought him back. Mir. I'm oblig'd to him for that I'm sure. [Frowning at MARPLOT aside. Mar. By her looks she means she's not oblig'd to me. I have done some mischief now, but what I cann't imagine.

Sir Fran. Well, Chargy, I have had three messengers to come to Epsom to my neighbour Squeezum's, who, for all his vast riches, is departing. [Sighs. Mar. Ay, see what all you usurers must come to. Sir Fran. Peace, you young knave! Some forty years hence I may think on't.-But, CharI'll be with thee to-morrow before those pretty eyes are open; I will, I will, Chargy, I'll rouse you, i'faith-Here, Mrs Scentwell, lift up your lady's chimney-board, that I may throw my peel in, and not litter her chamber.

gy,

Mir. Oh, my stars! what will become of us now?

Scent. Oh, pray, sir, give it me; I love it above all things in nature, indeed I do. Sir Fran. No, no, hussy; you have the green pip already; I'll have no apothecary's bills. [Goes towards the chimney. Mir. Hold, hold, hold, dear Gardy! I have a, a, a, a, a monkey shut up there, and if you open it before the man comes that is to tame it, 'tis so wild 'twill break all my china, or get away, and that would break my heart; for I'm fond on't to distraction, next thee, dear Gardy!

[In a flattering tone. Sir Fran. Well, well, Chargy, I won't open it; she shall have her monkey, poor rogue! Here, throw this peel out of the window.

[Exit SCENTWell.

Mar. A monkey! dear madam, let me see it; I can tame a monkey as well as the best of them all. Oh, how I love the little miniatures of man! Mir. Be quiet, mischief! and stand farther from the chimney-You shall not see my monkey -why sure[Striving with him. Mar. For Heav'n's sake, dear madam! let me but peep, to see if it be as pretty as Lady Fiddle Faddle's. Has it got a chain?

Mir. Not yet, but I design it one, shall last its lifetime. Nay, you shall not see it.Look, Gardy, how he teazes me!

Sir Fran. [Getting between him and the chimney.] Sirrah, sirrah, let my Chargy's monkey alone, or bamboo shall fly about your ears. What! is there no dealing with you?

Mar. Pugh, pox of the monkey! here's a rout! I wish he may rival you.

[blocks in formation]

Mir. Thank'e, dear Gardy!-Nay, I'll see you to the coach.

Sir Fran. That's kind, adad.
Mir. Come along, Impertinence.

[To MARPLOT, Mar. [Stepping back.] 'Egad, I will see the monkey now. [Lifts up the board, and discovers Sir GEORGE. O Lord! O Lord! Thieves! thieves! murder !

Sir Geo. Damn ye, you unlucky dog! 'tis I. Which way shall I get out? Shew me instantly, or I'll cut your throat.

Mar. Undone, undone! At that door there. But hold, hold; break that china, and—I'll bring you off.

[He runs off at the corner, and throws down some china.

Re-enter Sir FRANCIS, MIRANDA, and SCENT

WELL.

Sir Fran. Mercy on me! what's the matter? Mir. O, you toad! what have you done? Mar. No great harm; I beg of you to forgive me. Longing to see the monkey, I did but just raise up the board, and it flew over my shoulders, scratch'd all my face, broke your china, and whisked out of the window.

Sir Fran. Where, where is it, sirrah? Mar. There, there, Sir Francis, upon your neighbour Parmazan's pantiles.

Sir Fran. Was ever such an unlucky rogue! Sirrah, I forbid you my house. Call the servants to get the monkey again. Pug, Pug, Pug! I would stay myself to look for it, but that you know my earnest business.

Scent. Oh, my lady will be best to lure it back: all them creatures love my lady extremely. Mir. Go, go, dear Gardy! I hope I shall re

cover it.

Sir Fran. B'ye, b'ye, dearee! Ah, mischief! how you look now! B'ye, b'ye. [Exit. Mir. Scentwell, see him in the coach, and bring me word.

[Exit.

Scent. Yes, madam. Mir. So, sir, you have done your friend a signal piece of service, I suppose.

Mar. Why, look you, madam, if I have committed a fault, thank yourself; no man is more serviceable when I am let into a secret, and none more unlucky at finding it out. Who could divine your meaning; when you talk'd of a blunderbuss, who thought of a rendezvous? and when you talk'd of a monkey, who the devil dreamt of Sir George?

Mir. A sign you converse but little with our sex, when you cann't reconcile contradictions,

Enter SCENTWELL.

Scent. He's gone, madam, as fast as the coach and six can carry him

Enter Sir George. Sir Geo. Then I may appear. Mar. Here's pug, ma'am-Dear Sir George !

[blocks in formation]

Mar. Ha! then there's something a-foot that I know nothing of. I'll wait on you, Sir George. Sir Geo. A third person may not be proper, perhaps. As soon as I have dispatched my own affairs I am at his service; I'll send my servant to tell him I'll wait on him in half an hour.

Mir. How came you employ'd in this message, Mrs Patch?

Patch. Want of business, madam; I am discharg'd by my master, but hope to serve my lady still.

Mir. How? discharg'd! you must tell me the whole story within.

Patch. With all my heart, madam.
Mar. Tell it here, Mrs Patch. Pish! pox! I

wish I were fairly out of the house. I find marriage is the end of this secret; and now I am half mad to know what Charles wants him for.

[Aside.

Sir Geo. Madam, I'm doubly press'd by love and friendship. This exigence admits of no delay. Shall we make Marplot of the party?

Mir. If you'll run the hazard, Sir George; believe he means well.

Mur. Nay, nay, for my part I desire to be let into nothing; I'll be gone, therefore pray don't Going.

mistrust me.

Sir Geo. So now he has a mind to be gone to Charles: but not knowing what affairs he may have upon his hands at present-I'm resolv'd he sha'n't stir. No, Mr Marplot, you must not leave us; we want a third person.

[Takes hold of him. Mar. I never had more mind to be gone in my life.

Mir. Come along then; if we fail in the voy. age, thank yourself for taking this ill-starr'd gentleman on board.

Sir Geo. That vessel ne'er can unsuccessful

[blocks in formation]

ACT V.

SCENE I.

Enter MIRANDA, PATCH, and SCENTWELL. Mir. Well, Patch, I have done a strange bold thing; my fate is determin'd, and expectation is no more. Now, to avoid the impertinence and the roguery of an old man, I have thrown myself into the extravagance of a young one; if he should despise, slight, or use me ill, there's no remedy from a husband but the grave, and that's a terrible sanctuary to one of my age and constitution.

Patch. O! fear not, madam; you'll find your account in Sir George Airy; it is impossible a man of sense should use a woman ill endued with beauty, wit, and fortune. It must be the lady's fault if she does not wear the unfashionable name of wife easy, when nothing but complaisance and good humour is requisite on either side to make them happy.

Mir. I long till I am out of this house, lest any accident should bring my guardian back.

Scentwell, put my best jewels into the little casket, slip them into thy pocket, and let us march off to Sir Jealous's.

Scent. It shall be done, madam. [Exit SCENT. Patch. Sir George will be impatient, madam. If their plot succeeds we shall be well receiv'd; if not, he will be able to protect us. Besides, I long to know how my young lady fares.

Mir. Farewell, old Mammon, and thy detested walls! "Twill be no more sweet Sir Francis! I shall be compell'd the odious task of dissembling no longer to get my own, and coax him with the wheedling names of my precious, my dear, dear Gardy!-O Heav'ns!

Enter Sir FRANCIS behind.

Sir Fran. Ah, my sweet Chargy! don't be frightened: [She starts] but thy poor Gardy has been abus'd, cheated, fool'd, betray'd; but nobody knows by whom.

[Aside.

Mir. Undone, past redemption! Sir Fran. What! won't you speak to me, Chargy?

« PreviousContinue »