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Isab. Ruin'd past redemption [Aside. more intolerable by your mistrusts and jealousies, Patch. You mistake, sure. What shall we do? Would I were dead, so I were free from this ! Isab. I thought he expected company to-night Sir Jeal. To-morrow rids you of this tiresome -Oh, poor Charles ! oh, unfortunate Isabinda ! load: Don Diego Babinetto will be here, and
Bul. I thought so too, madam ; but I suppose then my care ends and his begins. he has alter'd his mind. (Lays the cloth, and exit. Isab. Is he come then?- Oh, how shall I avoid Isab. The letter is the cause. This hecdless this hated marriage ?
[Aside. action has undone me. Fly and fasten the clo. set window, which will give Charles notice to re
Enter Servants with supper. tire. Ha! my father! oh, confusion !
Sir Jeal. Come, will you sit down?
Isab. I cann't eat, sir.
Patch. No, I dare swear he has given her supSir Jeal. Hold, hold, Patch; whither are you per enough. I wish I could get into the closet. going? I'll have nobody stir out of the room till
Sir Jeal. Well, if you cann't eat, then give me Patch. Sir, I was going to reach your easy a song whilst I do. chair-oh, wretched accident!
Isab. I have such a cold I can scarce speak, Sir Jeal. I'll have nobody stir out of the room. sir, nyuch less sing. How shall I prevent Charles I don't want my easy chair.
[dside. Isab. What will be the event of this? [Aside. Sir Jeal. I hope you have the use of your fin
Sir Jeal. Hark ye, daughter, do you know this gers, madam. Play a tune upon your spinet whilst hand?
your woman sings me a song, Isub. As I suspected-Hand do you call it, Patch. I'm as much out of tune as my lady, if sir? 'tis some school-boy's scrawl.
he knew all.
(Aside. Patch.Oh, Invention! thou chamber-maid's best Isab. I shall make excellent music. friend, assist me!
(Sits down to play. Sir Jeal. Are you sure you don't understand it?
Patch. Really, sir, I am so frighted about your [Patch fcels in her bosom and shakes her coats. opening this charm, that I cann't remember one Isub. Do you understand it, sir?
song. Sir Jeul. I wish I did.
Sir Jeal. Pish! hang your charm! come, come, Isab. Thank Heaven you do not. [ Aside.] Then sing any thing. I know no more of it than you do, indeed, sir. Patch. Yes, I'm likely to sing truly. (Aside.)
Patch. Oh Lord, Oh Lord! what have you Humphs, humph; bless me! I cann't raise my done, sir? why, the paper is mine; I dropp'd it voice, my heart pants so. out of my bosom. (Snatching it from him. Sir Jeal. Why, what, does your heart pant so Sir Jeal. Ha ! yours, mistress?
that you cann't play neither? Pray what key are Isab. What does she mean by owning it? Patch. Yes, sir, it is.
Patch. Ah! would the key was turn’d on you Sir Jeal. What is it? speak.
(Aside. Patch. Yes, sir, it is a charm for the tooth Sir Jeal. Why don't you sing, I say? ache-I have worn it these seven years ; 'twas Patch. When madam has put her spinet is given me by an angel, for aught I know, when I tune, sir; humph, humphwas raving with the pain, for nobody knew from Isab. I cannot play, sir, whatever ails me. whence he came nor whither he went. He char
(Rising. ged me never to open it, lest some dire vengeance Sir Jeal. Zounds! sit down and play me a befal me, and Heaven knows what will be the tune, or I'll break the spinet about your ears. event. Oh, cruel misfortune! that I should Isab. What will become of me? drop it and you should open it-If you had not
(Sits down and plays. open’d it,
Sir Jeal. Come, mistress.
(To PATCH. Isab. Excellent wench!
(Aside. Patch. Yes, sir. Sir Jeal. Pox of your charms and whims for
[Sings, but horridly out of tune. me! if that be all’tis well enough: there, there, Sir Jeal. Hey, hey! why, you are a-top of the burn it, and I warrant you no vengeance will fol- | house, and you are down in the cellar. What is low.
the meaning of this ? is it on purpose to cross Patch. So all's right again thus far. [ Aside. me, ha?
Isab. I would not lose Patch for the world Patch. Pray, madam, take it a little lower; I I'll take courage a little. (Aside.] Is this usage cannot reach that note—nor any note I fear. for your daughter, sir? Must my virtue and con Isab. Well, begin—Oh, Patch, we shall be disduci be suspected for every trifle? You immure cover'd. me like some dire offender here, and deny me all Patch. I sink with apprehension, madam.the recreations which my sex enjoy, and the cus- | Humph, humph-[Sings.] tom of the country and modesty allow; yet not
(CHARLES opens the closet door, content with that, you make my confinement Cha. Music and singing !
you in, ha?
'Tis thus the bright celestial court above born, thou shouldst not stay to put on a smock.
Beguiles the hours with music and with love. Come along, I say. When your mistress is marDeath! her father there ! [The women shriek ] ry'd, you shall have your rags and every thing Then I must fly—[Exit into the closet ] [Sir JEA- that belongs to you ; but till thenLOUS rises up hastily, seeing CHARLES slip back
[Exit, pulling her out into the closet.
Patch. Oh, barbarous usage for nothing. Sir Jeal. Hell and furies! a man in the clo
Re-enter ut the lower end. Putch. Ah! a ghost ! a ghost !-He must not Sir Jeal. There, go, and come no more withenter the closet — (ISABINDA throws herself down in sight of my habitation these three days, I before the closet door, us in u suoon.
(Slaps the door af er her. Sir Jeal. The devil! I'll make a ghost of him Paich. Did ever any body see such an old I warrant you.
(Strives to get by. | monster! Purch. Oh, hold, sir, have a care; you'll tread
Enter CHARLES. upon my lacly-Who waits there? bring some water. Oh! this comes of your opening the Oh, Mr Charles ! your affairs and mine are in charm. Oh, oh, oh, oh! [Weeps aloud.
an ill posture. Sir Jeal. I'li charm you, housewife. Here lies
Chu. I am inur'd to the frowns of fortune; the charm that conjur'd this fellow in, I'm sure
but what has befall’n thee? on't. Come out, you rascal, do so. Zounds! Pulch. Sir Jealous, whose suspicious nature is take her from the door, or I'll spurn her fronı it, always on the watch, nay, even while one eye and break your neck down stairs.
sleeps the other keeps centinel, upon sight of you Isab. He's gone ; I heard him leap down. flew into such a violent passion, that I could find
(Aside to PATCH. no stratagem to appease him, but in spite of all Patch. Nay then, let him enter-Here, here, arguments he lock'd his daughter into his own madam, smell to this : come, give me your hand; apartment, and turn'd me out of doors. come nearer to the window; the air will do you Cha. Ha! oh, Isabinda ! good.
Patch. And swears she shall see neither sun Sir Jeal. I would she were in her grave. nor moon till she is Don Diego Babinetto's wife, Where are you, sirrah? Villain ! robber of my who arrived last night, and is expected with impahonour! I'll pull you out of your nest.
(Goes into the closet. Cha. He dies; yes, by all the wrongs of love Patch. You'll be mistaken, old gentleman; the he shall ! here will I plant myself, and through bird is flown.
my breast he shall make his passage if he enters. Isab. I'm glad I have 'scap'd so well; I was
Patch. A most heroic resolution ! there might almost dead in earnest with the frigiit.
be ways found out more to your advantage: po
licy is often preferr'd to open force. Re-enter Sir JEALOUS out of the closet. Cha. I apprehend you not. Sir Jeal. Whoever the dog was, he has es
Patch. What think you of personating this caped out of the window, for the sash is up: but Spaniard, imposing upon the father, and marrythough he is got out of my reach, you are not. ing your mistress by his own consent? And first, Mrs Pander, with your charms for the Chu. Say'st thou so, my angel ! Oh, could tooth-ache, get out of my house, go, troop; yet that be done, my life to come would be too short hold, stay, I'll see you out of my doors myself ; to recompense thee: but how can I do that when but I'll secure your charge ere I go.
I neither know what ship he came in, nor from Isub. What do you mean, sir? was she not a what part of Spain, who recommends him, or creature of your own providing?
how attended ? Sir Jcal. She was of the devil's providing, for Patch. I can solve all this. He is from Maaught I know.
drid, his father's name Don Pedro Questo PorPatch. What have I done, sir, to merit your tento Babinetto. Here's a letter of his to Sir displeasure ?
Jealous, which he dropt one day. You underSir Jeul. I don't know which of you have done stand Spanish, and the hand may be counterfeitit, but you shall both suffer for it, till I can dis- ed. You conceive me, sir. cover whose guilt it is. Go, get in there; I'll Cha. My better genius! thou hast reviv'd my move you from this side of the house. (Pushes drooping soul. I'll about it instantly. Come to ISABINDA in at the door and locks it, puts the my lodgings, and we will concert matters. key in his pocket.} I'll keep the key myself; I'll
[Exeunt. try what ghost will get into that room : and now, forsooth, I'll wait on you down stairs.
SCENE III.- A Garden-gate open, SCENTWELL Patch. Ah, my poor lady!— Down stairs,
waiting within. sir? but I won't go out, sir, till I have lock'd up
Enter Sir George Airy. my clothes.
Sir Jeal. If thou wert as naked as thou wert Sir Geo. So, this is the gate, and most invi.
tingly open. If there should be a blunderbuss ness, since our wooing has been short, pray rehere now, what a dreadful ditty would my fall serve it for our future days, to let the world make for fools, and what a jest for the wits; how see we are lovers after wedlock; 'twill be a nomy name would be roar'd about the streets ! velty. Well, I'll venture all.
Sir Geo. Haste then, and let us tie the knot, Scent. Hist, hist! Sir George Airy
and prove the envy'd pair
[Enters. Mir. Hold, not so fast; I have provided betSir Geo. A female voice! thus far I'm safe—ter than to venture on dangerous experiments My dear!
headlong — My guardian, trusting to my disScent. No, I'm not your dear, but I'll conduct sembled love, has given up my fortune to my own you to her. Give me your hand; you must go disposal, but with this proviso, that he to-morthrough many a dark passage and dirty step be row morning weds me. He is now gone to Docfore you arrive
tors Commons for a licence. Sir Geo. I know I must before I arrive at para Sir Geo. Ha ! licence! dise ; therefore be quick, my charming guide. Mir. But I have planted emissaries that in
Scent. For aught you know. Come, come, fallibly take him down to Epsom, ander a preyour hand, and away.
tence that a brother usurer of his is to make him Sir Geo. Here, here, child ; you cann't be half his executor, the thing on earth he covets. so swift as my desires.
[Excunt. Sir Geo. 'Tis his known character.
Mir. Now my instruments confirm him this SCENE IV.- The House.
man is dying, and he sends me word he goes
this minute. It must be to-morrow ere he can Enter MIRANDA.
be undeceiv'd : that time is ours. Mir. Well, let me reason a little with my Sir Geo. Let us improve it then, and settle on mad self. Now, don't I transgress all rules, to our coming years endless, endless happiness. venture upon a man without the advice of the Mir. I dare not stir till I hear he's on the grave and wise! But then a rigid, knavish guar- road then I and my writings, the most mate dian who would have married me—to whom? rial point, are soon remov’d. even to his nauseous self, or nobody. Sir George Sir Geo. I have one favour to ask: if it lies is what I have try’d in conversation, inquir’d into in your power, you would be a friend to poor his character, and am satisfied in both. Then Charles ; though the son of this tenacious man, his love! Who would have given a hundred pounds he is as free from all his vices as nature and a good only to have seen a woman he had not infinitely education can make him ; and what now I have lov'd? So I find my liking him has furnished me vanity enough to hope will induce you, he is the with arguments enough of his side ; and now man on earth I love. the only doubt remains whether he will come or Mir. I never was his enemy, and only put it
on as it help'd my designs on his father. If
his uncle's estate ought to be in his possession, Enter SCENTWELL and Sir GEORGE.
which I shrewdly suspect, I may do him a singuScent. That's resolv’d, madam, for here's the lar piece of service. knight.
(Erit SCENTWELL. Sir Geo. You are all goodness. Sir Geo. And do I once more behold that love
Enter SCENTWELL. ly object, whose idea fills my mind, and forms my pleasing dreams!
Scent. Oh, madam! my master and Mr MarMir. What, beginning again in heroic !-Sir plot are just coming into the house. George, don't you remember how little fruit your Mir. Undone, undone! if he finds you here in last prodigal oration produc'd? Not one bare sin- this crisis all my plots are unravell’d. gle word in answer.
Sir Geo. What shall I do? cann't I get back Sir Geo. Ha! the voice of my incognita ! into the garden? Why did take ten thousand ways to captivate
Scent. Oh no! he comes up those stairs. a heart your eyes alone had vanquish'd ?
Mir. Here, here, here ! can you condescend Mir. Pr’ythee, no more of these flights ; for to stand behind this chimney-board, Sir George? our time's but short, and we must fall to busi Sir Geo. Any where, any where, dear madam! ness. Do you think we can agree on that same without ceremony. terrible bugbear matrimony, without heartily re Scent. Come, come, sir, lie close. penting on both sides ?
(They put him behind the chimney-board. Sir Geo. It has been my wish since first my longing eyes beheld
Enter Sir FRANCIS, and MARPLOT, Sir FRANyou. Mir. And your happy ears drank in the plea
cis peeling an orange. sing news I had thirty thousand pounds.
Sir Fran. I could not go, though 'tis upon Sir Geo. Unkind ! did I not offer you, in those life and death, without taking leave of dear Charpurchas’d minutes, to run the risk of your for gy. Besides, this fellow buzz'd into my ears that tune, so you would but secure that lovely person thou might'st be so desperate as to shoot that to my arms ?
wild rake which haunts the garden-gate, and that Mir. Well, if you have such love and tender would bring us into trouble, dcar
Mir. So Marplot brought you back then? Mlir. Thank'e, dear Gardy !-Nay, I'll see you Mar. Yes, I brought him back.
to the coach. Mir. I'm oblig'd to him for that I'm sure. Sir Fran. That's kind, adad.
Frowning at MARPLOT aside. Mir. Come along, Impertinence. Mar. By her looks she means she's not oblig'd
[TO MARPLOT, to me. I have done some mischief now, but Mar. (Stepping back.] 'Egad, I will see the what I cann't imagine.
monkey now. (Litis up the board, and discovers Sir Fran. Well, Chargy, I have had three mes Sir George.) O Lord! O Lord! Thieves ! sengers to come to Epsom to my neighbour thieves ! murder! Squeezum's, who, for all his vast riches, is depart Sir Geo. Damn ye, you unlucky dog! 'tis I. ing.
(Sighs. Which way shall I get out? Shew me instantly, Mar. Ay, see what all you usurers must come to. or I'll cut your throat. Sir Fran. Peace, you young knave! Some Mar. Undone, undone! At that door there. forty years hence I may think on't.—But, Char. But hold, hold; break that china, and—I'll bring gy, Pl be with thee to-morrow before those pret- you off
. ty eyes are open; I will, I will, Chargy, I'll rouse (He runs off at the corner, and throws down you, i'faith-Here, Mrs Scentwell, lift up your
some china. lady's chimney-board, that I may throw my peel in, and not litter her chamber.
Re-enter Sir FRANCIS, MIRANDA, and SCENTMir. Oh, my stars ! what will become of us
Sir Fran. Mercy on me! what's the matter? Scent. Oh, pray, sir, give it me; I love it Mir. O, you toad! what have
done? above all things in nature, indeed I do.
Mar. No great harm; I beg of you to forgive Sir Fran. No, no, hussy ; you have the green me. Longing to see the monkey, I did but just pip already; I'll have no apothecary's bills. raise up the board, and it flew over my shoulders,
[Goes towards the chimney. scratch'd all my face, broke your china, and Mir. Hold, hold, hold, dear Gardy! I have whisked out of the window. E a, a, a, a, a monkey shut up there, and if you Sir Fran. Where, where is it, sirrah?
open it before the man comes that is to tame it, Mar. There, there, Sir Francis, upon your ’tis so wild 'twill break all my china, or get away, neighbour Parmazan's pantiles. and that would break my heart ; for I'm fond Sir Fran. Was ever such an unlucky rogue ! on't to distraction, next thee, dear Gardy ! Sirrah, I forbid you my house. Call the servants
[In a flattering tone. to get the monkey again. Pug, Pug, Pug! I Sir Fran. Well, well, Chargy, I won't open it; would stay myself to look for it, but that you she shall bave her monkey, poor rogue ! Here, know my earnest business. throw this peel out of the window.
Scenl. Oh, my lady will be best to lure it back:
(Exit SCENTWELL. all them creatures love my lady extremely. Mar. A monkey! dear madam, let me see it; Mir. Go, go, dear Gardy! I hope I shall reI can tame a monkey as well as the best of them ! all. Oh, how I love the little miniatures of man! Sir Fran. B'ye, b’ye, dearee! Ah, mischief! Mir. Be quiet, mischief ! and stand farther how you look now! B'ye, b’ye.
(Exit. from the chinney—You shall not see my monkey Mir. Scentwell, see him in the coach, and -why surem
[Striving with him. bring me word. Mar. For Heav'n's sake, dear madam! let me Scent. Yes, madam.
[Exit. but peep, to see if it be as pretty as Lady Fiddie Mir. So, sir, you have done your friend a sig. Has it got a chain ?
nal piece of service, I suppose. Mir. Not yet, but I design it one, shall last its Mr. Why, look you, madam, if I have colilifetime. Nay, you shall not see it.--Look, mitted a fault, thank yourself'; no man is more | Gardy, how he teazes me!
serviceable when I am let into a secret, and none Sir Frun. (Getting between him and the chim more unlucky at finding it out. Who could diney.) Sirrah, sirrah, let my Chargy's monkey vine your meaning; when you talk'd of a blunderalone, or bamboo shall Aly about your ears. What! buss, who thought of a rendezvous? and when is there no dealing with you?
you talk'd of a mnonkey, who the devil dreamt of Mar. Pugh, pox of the monkey! here's a Sir George? rout! I wish he may rival you.
Mir. A sign you converse but little with our
sex, when you cann't reconcile contradictions. Enter a Servant.
Enter SCENTWELL. Sero. Sir, they have put two more horses to the coach, as you order'd, and 'tis ready at the Scent. He's gone, madam, as fast as the coach
and six can carry himSir Fran. Well, I am going to be executor;
Enter Sir GEORGE. better for thee, jewel
. B'ye, Chargy; one buss ! -I'm glad thou hast got a monkey to divert thee Sir Geo. Then I may appear. a little.
Mar. Here's pig, ma’an-Dear Sir George !
to wait on you,
make my peace. On my soul I never took you I wish I were fairly out of the house. I find marfor a monkey before.
riage is the end of this secret; and now I am Sir Geo. I dare swear thou didst not. Madam, half mad to know what Charles wants him for. I beg you to forgive him.
(Aside. Mir. Well, Sir George, if he can be secret. Sir Geo. Madam, I'm doubly press'd by love
Mar. 'Odsheart, madam! I'm as secret as a and friendship. This exigence adınits of no depriest, when trusted.
lay. Shall we make Marplot of the party? Sir Geo. Why, 'tis with a priest our business is Mir. If you'll run the hazard, Sir George; at present.
believe he means well. Šient. Madam, here's Mrs Isabinda's woman Mur. Nay, nay, for my part I desire to be let
into nothing; I'll be gone, therefore pray don't Alir. Bring her up.
Going. Sir Geo. So now he has a mind to be gone Enter Patch.
to Charles: but not knowing what affairs he may How do ye, Mrs Patch? What news from your have upon his hands at present-I'm resolv'd he lady?
sha'n't stir. No, Mr Marplot, you must not Patch. That's for your private ear, madam. leave us; we want a third person. Sir George, there's a friend of yours has an ur
[Takes hold of him. gent occasion for
Mar. I never had more mind to be gone in
Mir. Come along then ; if we fail in the voy. Mar. Ha! then there's something a-foot that age, thank yourself for taking this ill-starr'd genI know nothing of. I'll wait on you, Sir George. tleinan on board.
Sur Geo. A third person may not be proper, Sir Geo. That vessel ne'er can unsuccessful perhaps. As soon as I have dispatched my own prove, affairs I am at his service ; I'll send my servant Whose freight is beauty, and whose pilot's love. to tell him I'll wait on him in half an hour.
(Exeunt Sir GEORGE and MIRANDA. Mir. How came you employ'd in this message, Mar. Tyty ti, tyty ti. Mrs Patch?
(Sieals of the other way. Patch. Want of business, madam ; I am discharg'd by my master, but hope to serve my lady
Re-enter Sir GEORGE. still.
Sir Geo. Marplot ! Marplot ! Mir. How? discharg'd! you must tell me the Mar. (Entering) Here! I was coming, Sir whole story within.
George. Lord, cann't you let one tie up one's Patch. With all my heart, madam.
[Ereund Mar. Tell it here, Mrs Patch. Pish! pox! I
Scentwell, put my best jewels into the little case SCENE I.
ket, slip them into thy pocket, and let us marchi
off to Sir Jealous's. Enter MIRANDA, PATCH, and SCENTWELL.
Scent. It shall be done, madam. [Exit SCENT. Mir. Well, Patch, I have done a strange bold Patch. Sir George will be impatient, madam. thing; my fate is determin’d, and expectation is If their plot succeeds we shall be well receiv’d; no more. Now, to avoid the impertinence and if not, he will be able to protect us. Besides, I the roguery of an old man, I have thrown my- long to know how my young lady fares. self into the extravagance of a young one; if he Mir. Farewell, old Mammon, and thy detested should despise, slight, or use me ill, there's no re walls ! 'Twill be no more sweet Sir Francis! I medy from a husband but the grave, and that's a shall be compell’d the odious task of dissembling terrible sanctuary to one of my age and consti no longer to get my own, and coax him with the tution.
wheedling names of my precious, my dear, dear Patch. O! fear not, madam ; you'll find your Gardy !~0 Heav'ns ! account in Sir George Airy; it is impossible a man of sense should use a woman ill endued with
Enter Sir FRANCIS behind. beauty, wit, and fortune. It must be the lady's Sir Fran. Ah, my sweet Chargy! don't be fault if she does not wear the unfashionable name frightened: (She starts) but thy poor Gardy has of wife easy, when nothing but complaisance and been abus'd, cheated, foolid, betray'd; but nogood humour is requisite on either side to make body knows by whom. them happy.
Mir. Undone, past redemption ! Mir. I long till I am out of this house, lest Sir Fran. What! won't you speak to me, any accident should bring my guardian back. Chargy?