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opportunity to tell her so. She replied, she had with that, and some wagers he laid, he told me no objection to mine ; but if I could not reconcile he had got to the tune of five hundred pounds ; contradictions, I must not think of her, for that so that I am much in his good graces. she was condemned to the caprice of four per Col. I don't know but you may be of service sons, who never yet agreed in any one thing, and to me, Freeman. she was obliged to please them all.
Free. If I can, command me, colonel. Sack. "Tis true, sir : I'll give you a short Col. Isn't it possible to find a suit of clothes description of the men, and leave you to judge ready made, at some of these sale shops, fit to rig of the poor lady's condition. One is a kind of out a beau, think you, Mr Sackbut? virtuoso, a silly, half-witted fellow, but positive Sack. O! hang 'em-No, colonel, they keep and surly; fond of everything antique and foreign, nothing ready made that a gentleman would be and wears his clothes of the fashion of the last seen in : but I can fit you with a suit of clothes, century; doats upon travellers; and believes more if you'd make a figure-velvet and gold brocade of Sir John Mandeville than he does of the --They were pawn’d to me by a French count, Bible.
who had been stript at play, and wanted money Col. That must be a rare odd fellow !
to carry him home: he promised to send for Suck. Another is a 'Change broker; a fellow them, but I have not heard any thing of him. that will out-lie the devil for the advantage of Free. He has not fed upon frogs long enough stock, and cheat his father that got him, in a bar- yet to recover his loss; ha, ha! gain : he is a great stickler for trade, and hates Col. Ha, ha! Well, the clothes will do, Mr every man that wears a sword.
Sackbut,—though we must have three or four Free. He is a great admirer of the Dutch ma fellows in tawdry liveries; they can be procur’d, nagement, and swears they understand trade bet- I hope. ter than any nation under the sun.
Free. 'Egad! I have a brother come from the Suck. The third is an old beau, that has May West Indies that can match you; and, for in his fancy and dress, but December in his face dition sake, you shall have his servants: there's a and his heels : he admires all the new fashions, black, a tawney Moor, and a Frenchman : they and those must be French ; loves operas, balls, don't speak one word of English, so can make no masquerades, and is always the most tawdry of mistake. the whole company on a biċth-day.
Col. Excellent.--'Egad ! I shall look like an Col. These are pretty opposite to one another, Indian prince. First, I'll attack my beau guartruly :-And the fourth, what is he, landlord ? dian; where lives he?
Suck. A very rigid quaker, whose quarter be Sack. Faith, somewhere about St James's, tbo’ gan this day.—I saw Mrs Lovely go in, not above to say in what street I cannot; but any chairman two hours ago, -Sir Philip set her down. What will tell you where Sir Philip Modelove lives. think you now, colonel ; is not the poor lady to Free. Oh! you'll find him in the Park at eleven be pitied?
every day; at least, I never pass through at that Col. Ay, and rescu'd too, landlord.
hour without seeing him there.—But what do you Free. In my opinion that's impossible. intend? Col. There is nothing impossible to a lover. Col. To address him in his own way, and find What would not a man attempt for a fine woman what he designs to do with the lady. and thirty thousand pounds ? Besides, my honour Free. And what then? is at stake; I promised to deliver her, and she bid Col. Nay, that I cann't tell; but I shall take my me win her and wear her.
measures accordingly. Sack. That's fair, faith.
Suck. Well, 'tis a mad undertaking in my mind: Frce. If it depended upon knight-errantry, I but here's to your success, colonel. (Drinks. should not doubt your setting free the damsel ; Col. 'Tis something out of the way, I confess; but to have avarice, impertinence, hypocrisy, and but Fortune may chance to smile, and I succeed. pride at once to deal with, requires more cun -Come, landlord, let me see those clothes.ning than generally attends a man of honour. Freeman, I shall expect you'll leave word with
Col. My fancy tells me I shall come off with Mr Sackbut where one may find you upon occaglory. I am resolved to try, however.—Do you sion; and send me my Indian equipage immediknow all the guardians, Mr Sackbut?
ately, d'ye hear? Sack. Very well, sir ; they all use my house. Free. Immediately.
(Exit. Col. And will you assist me, if occasion re Col. Bold was the man who ventur'd first to sea, quires ?
But the first vent'ring lovers bolder were. Sack. In every thing I can, colonel.
The path of love's a dark and dang’rous way, Free. I'll answer for him ; and whatever I can Without a land-mark, or one friendly star, serve you in, you may depend on. I know Mr And he that runs the risk deserves the fair. Periwinkle and Mr Tradelove; the latter has a
[Exeunt. very great opinion of my interest abroad. I happen'd to have a letter from a correspondent
SCENE II.-PRIM's House. two hours before the news arrived of the French king's death: I communicated it to him; upon
Enter Mrs Lovely and her maid BETTY. which be bought all the stock he could; and what Letty. Bless me, madam! Why do you
and tease yourself so ? This is giving them the as I thought you did, madam, or you would no advantage with a witness.
take such a resolution. Mrs Loo. Must I be condemned all my life to Mrs Loo. It is because I do like him, Betty, the preposterous humours of other people, and that I do take such a resolution. pointed at by every boy in town?-Oh! I could Betty. Why, do you expect, madam, the colo tear my flesh, and curse the hour I was born nel can work miracles? Is it possible for him to Isn't it monstrously ridiculous, that they should marry you with the consent of all your guardians ? desire to impose their quaking dress upon me at Mrs Lov. Or he must not marry me at all : these years ! When I was a child, no matter what and so I told him; and he did not seem displeathey made me wear, but now
sed with the news. He promised to set me Betty, I would resolve against it, madam; I'd free; and I, on that condition, proinised to make see 'em hang'd before I'd put on the pinch'd cap him master of that freedom. again.
Betty. Well, I have read of enchanted castles, Mrs Loo. Then I must never expect one mo
ladies delivered from the chains of magic, giants ment's ease : she has rung such a peal in my ears kill'd, and monsters overcome; so that I shall be already, that I sha'n't have the right use of them the less surprised if the colonel should conjure this month. What can I do?
you out of the power of your four guardians ; if Betty. What can you not do, if you will but he does, I am sure he deserves your fortune. give your mind to it? Marry, madam.
Mrs Loo. And shall have it, girl, if it were Mrs Loo. What ! and have my fortune go to ten times as much-For I'll ingenuously confess build churches and hospitals ?
to thee, that I do like the colonel above all the Betty. Why, let it go. If the colonel loves men I ever saw :-There's something so jantee you as he pretends, he'll marry you without a for- in a soldier, a kind of je-ne-sçar.quoi air, that tune, inadam; and I assure you a colonel's lady makes them more agreeable than the rest of manis no despicable thing; a colonel's post will main kind.—They command regard; as who shall say, tain you like a gentlewoman, madam.
We are your defenders; we preserve your beauMrs Loo. So you would advise me to give up ties from the insults of rude and unpolish'd foes, my own fortune, and throw myself upon the co and ought to be preferr'd before those lazy, indolonel's?
lent mortals, who, by dropping into their fathers' Betty. I would advise you to make yourself estates, set up their coaches, and think to rattle easy, madam.
themselves into our affections. Mrs Loo. That's not the way, I'm sure. No, Belty. Nay, madam, I confess that the army no, girl, there are certain ingredients to be min. has engrossed all the prettiest fellows-A laced gled with matrimony, without which I may as coat and a feather have irresistible charms. well change for the worse as the better. When Mrs Lov. But the colonel has all the beauties the woman has fortune enough to make the man of the mind as well as the body.-O! all ye powers happy, if he has either honour or good manners, that favour happy lovers, grant that he may be he'll make her easy. Love makes but a slovenly mine! Thou god of Love, if thou beʼst aught but figure in a house where Poverty keeps the door. name, assist my Fainwell!
Betty. And so you resolve to die a maid, do you, madam,
Point all thy darts to aid his just design, Mrs Lov. Or have it in my power to make the And make his plots as prevalent as thine. man I love master of my fortune.
[Excunt. Betty. Then you don't like the colonel so well
SCENE I.-- The Park.
Wom. Yes, really, sir.-Hey-day! Who comes Enter Colonel, finely dressed, three Foolmen after yonder. He cuts a mighty figure.
Sir Phil. Ha! a stranger, by his equipage him.
keeping so close at his heels.-He has the apCol. So, now if I can but meet this beau !
-pearance of a man of quality.-Positively French, 'Egad ! methinks I cut a smart figure, and have by his dancing air. as much of the tawdry air as any Italian count Wom. He crosses, as if he meant to sit down or French marquis of them all. -Sure I shall here. know this knight again-Ah! yonder he sits, Sir Phil. Fle has a mind to make love to thee, making love to a mask, i’faith. I'll walk up the child. Mall, and come down by him.
Enter Colonel, and seats himself upon the Bench Scene dratos, and discovers Sir PHILIP "upon a
by Sir Philip. Bench, with a Woman mask'd.
Wom. It will be to no purpose, if he does. Sir Phil. Well, but, my dear, are you really Sir Phil. Are you resolved to be cruel then? sonstant to your keeper?
Col. You must be very cruel indeed, if you
can deny any thing to so fine a gentleman, ma Sir Phil. And love. dam.
(Takes out his watch. Col. Oh! that's included under the article of l'om. I never mind the outside of a man. pleasure.
Col. And I'm afraid thou art no judge of the Sir Phil. Parbleu il est un homme d'esprit. inside.
I must embrace you—[Rises and embraces.Sir Phil. I am positively of your mind, sir; for Your sentiments are so agreeable to mine, that creatures of her function seldom penetrate be- we appear to have but one soul, for our ideas and yond the pocket.
conceptions are the same. Wom. Creatures of your composition have, in Col. I should be sorry for that. (Aside.]- You deed, generally more in their pockets than in their do me too much honour, Sir Philip. heads.
(Aside. Sir Phil. Your vivacity and jantee mien assuSir Phil. Pray what says your watch? mine is red me, at first sight, there was nothing of this down.
[Pulling out his watch. foggy island in your composition. May I crave Col. I want thirty-six minutes of twelve, sir.- your name, sir? (Puts up his wutch, and takes out his snuff-bor. Col. My name is La Fainwell, sir, at your serSir Phil. May I presume,
vice. Col. Sir, you honour me. (Presenting the bor. Sir Phil. The La Fainwells are French, I know,
Sir Phil. He speaks good English—though he tho' the name is become very numerous in Great must be a foreigner. (Aside.]—This snuff is ex. Britain of late years I was sure you was French tremely good,--and the box prodigious fine; the the moment I laid my eyes upon you; I could work is French, I presume, sir.
not come into the supposition of your being an Col. I bought it in Paris, sir I do think the Englishman : this island produces few such ornaworkmanship pretty neat.
ments. Sir Phil. Neat! 'tis exquisitely fine, sir. Pray, Col. Pardon me, Sir Philip; this island has two sir, if I may take the liberty of enquiring—what things superior to all nations under the sun. country is so happy to claim the birth of the Sir Phil. Ah! what are they? finest gentleman in the universe? France, I pre Col. The ladies and the laws.
Sir Phil. The laws, indeed, do claim a prefeCol. Then you don't think me an Englishman? rence of other nations,—but, by my soul, there Sir Phil. No, upon my soul, don't I.
are fine women every where I must own I have Col. I am sorry for't.
felt their power in all countries. Sir Phil. Impossible you should wish to be an Col. There are some finish'd beauties, I conEnglishman! Pardon me, sir; this island could fess, in France, Italy, Germany, nay, even in Hok not produce a person of such alertness.
land, mais elles sont bien rare : but les belles AnCol. As this mirror shews you, sir,
gloises! Oh, Sir Philip, where find we such #0[Puts up a pocket glass to Sir Pullip's face. men ! such symmetry of shape! such elegancy Won. Coxcombs! I'm sick to hear them praise of dress ! such regularity of features ! such sweetone another. One seldom gets any thing by such ness of temper ! such commanding eyes! and such animals; not even a dinner, unless one can dine bewitching smiles ! upon soup and celery.
Sir Phil. Ah !- Parbleu vous etes attrapé. Sir Phil. O Gad, sir !—Will you leave us, ma Col. Non, je vous assure, chevalier.—But I dam? Ha, ha!
[E.cit Wom. declare there is no amusement so agreeable to Col. She fears 'twill be only losing time to stay my gout as the conversation of a fine woman. here ; ha, ha!—I know not how to distinguish I could never be prevailed upon to enter into you, sir, but your mien and address speak you what the vulgar call the pleasures of the bottle. right honourable.
Sir Phil. My own taste, positivement-A ball, Sir Phil. Thus great souls judge of others by or a masquerade, is certainly
preferable to all the themselves—I am only adornd with knighthood, productions of the vineyard. that's all, I assure you, sir: my name is Sir Phi. Col. Infinitely! I hope the people of quality lip Modelove.
in England will support that branch of pleasure, Col. Of French extraction?
which was imported with their peace, and since Sir Phil. My father was French.
naturaliz’d by the ingenious Mr Heidegger. Col. One may plainly perceive it-There is a Sir Phil. The ladies assure me it will become certain gaiety peculiar to my nation (for I will part of the constitution—upon which I subscrib'd own myself a Frenchman) which distinguishes us a hundred guineas-It will be of great service to every where—A person of your figure would be the public, at least to the company of surgeons, a vast addition to a coronet.
and the city in general. Sir Phil. I must own I had the offer of a ba Col. lla, ha! it may help to ennoble the blood rony about five years ago, but I abhorr’d the fa- of the city. Are you married, Sir Philip? tigue which must have attended it. I could ne Sir Phil. No ; nor do I believe I ever shall enver yet bring myself to join with either party. ter into that honourable state; I have an absolute
Col. You are perfectly in the right, Sir Philip tendre for the whole sex. a fine person should not embark himself in the Col. That's more than they have for your slovenly concern of politics; dress and pleasure dare swear. are objects proper for the soul of a fine gentle Sir Phil. And I have the honour to be very
well with the ladies, I can assure you, sir: and I
won't affront a million of fine women to make Col. Le Noir, la Brun, la Blanc. Morbleu, one happy.
ou sont ces coquins la ? Allons, Monskur le CheCot. Nay, marriage is reducing a man's taste valier. to a kind of half pleasure; but then it carries Sir Phil. Ah! Pardonnez moi, monsieur. the blessings of peace along with it; one goes to Col. Not one step, upon my soul, Sir Philip. sleep without fear, and wakes without pain. Sir Phil. The best bred man in Europe, posiŞir Phil. There's something of that in't; a wife tively.
(Excunt. is a good dish for an English stomach,—but gross feeding for nicer palates; ha, ha, ha!
SCENE II.-Changes to OBADIAH PRIM's Col. I find I was very much mistaken-I im
House. agined you had been married to that young lady whom I saw in the chariot with you this morning
Enter Mrs Lovely, followed by Mrs Prim. in Grace-church Street.
Mrs Pr. Then thou wilt not obey me: and Sir Phul. Who? Nancy Lovely? I am a piece thou dost really think those fallals become thee? of a guardian to that lady: you must know, her Mrs Lov. I do, indeed. father, I thank him, joined me with three of the Mrs Pr. Now will I be judged by all sober most preposterous old fellows-that, upon my people, if I don't look more like a modest wosoul, I am in pain for the poor girl ;-she must man than thou dost, Anne. certainly lead apes, as the saying is; ha, ha! Mrs Lov. More like a hypocrite you mean,
Col. That's pity, Sir Philip. If the lady would Mrs Prim. give me leave, I would endeavour to avert that Mrs Pr. Ah! Anne, Anne, that wicked Philip curse,
Modelove will undo thee.-Satan so fills thy Sir Phil. As to the lady, she'd gladly be rid of heart with pride, during the three months of his us at any rate, I believe; but here's the mischief guardianship, thou becomest a stumbling-block he who marries Víiss Lovely must have the con to the upright. seni of us all four,-or not a penny of her por MIrs Lov. Pray who are they? Are the pinch'd tion.-For my part, I shall never approve of any cap and formal hood the emblems of sanctity ? but a man of figure, -and the rest are not on Does your virtue consist in your dress, Mrs Prim? ly averse to cleanliness, but have each a peculiar Mrs Pr. It doth not consist in cut hair, spottaste tą gratity.-For my part, I declare I would ted face, and a bare neck.--Oh! the wickedness efer you to all the men I ever saw.
of the generation : The primitive women knew Col. And I ber to all women.
not the abomination of hoop'd petticoats. Sir Phil. I assure you, Mr Fainwell, I am for Mrs Lov. No, nor the abomination of cant neimarrying her, for I hate the trouble of a guar- ther. -Don't tell me, Mrs Prim, don't.— I know dian, especially among such wretches, but resolve you have as much pride, vanity, self-conceit, and never to agree to the choice of any one of them, anibition among you, couched under that formal -and I fancy they'll be even with me; for they habit and sanctified countenance, as the proudest pever came into any proposal of mine yet. of us all; but the world begins to see your pru. Col. I wish I had your leave to try then, Sir dery.
NIrs Pr. Prudery! What! do they invent new Sir Phil. With all my soul, sir; I can refuse a words as well as new fashions? Ah! poor fanperson of your appearance nothing.
tastic age, I pity thee-Poor deluded Anne, which Col. Sir, I am infinitely obliged to you. dost thou think most resemblest the saint, and Sir Phil. But do you really like matrimony? which the sinner, thy dress or mine? Thy naked Col. I believe I could with that lady.
bosom allureth the eye of the by-stander-enSir Phul. The only point in which we differ, courageth the frailty of human nature—and corBut
you are master of so many qualifications, that rupteth the soul with evil longings. I can excuse one fault; for I'must think it a fault Mrs Loo. And pray who corrupted your son in a fine gentleman; and that you are such, I'll Tobias with evil longings? Your maid Tabitha give it under my hand,
wore a handkerchief, and yet she made the saint Col, I wish you'd give me your consent to mar a sinner, ry Mrs Lovely under your hand, Sir Philip. Mrs Pr. Well, well, spit thy malice. I confess
Sir Phil. I'll do't, if you'll step into St James's Satan did buffet my son Tobias and my servant coffee-house, where we may have pen and ink,- | Tabitha ; the evil spirit was at that time too strong, though I cann't foresee what advantage my con and they both became subject to its workings, sent will be to you, without you could find a way not from any outward provocation-but from an to get the rest of the guardians.—But I'll intro inward call: he was not tainted with the rottenduce you, however. She is now at a quaker's ness of the fashions, nor did his eyes take in the where I carried her this morning, when you saw drunkenness of beauty. us in Grace-church Street.--I assure you she has Mrs Lov. No! that's plainly to be seen, an odd ragout of guardians, as you will find when Mrs Pr. Tabitha is one of the faithful; he fell you hear the characters, which I'll endeavour to not with a stranger. give you as we go along.--Hey! Pierre, Jacque, Mrs Lov. So! Then you hold wenching no Renno,—where are you all, scoundrels?--Order crime, provided it be within the pale of your own the chariot to St James's coffee-house.
tribe. -You are an excellent casuist, truly,
little bit of her delicious bubby :-Don't you reEnter OBADIAH PRIM.
member those words, Mr Prim? Ob. Pr. Not stripp'd of thy vanity yet, Anne ! Mrs Pr. What does she say, Obadiah ? -Why dost thou not make her put it off, Sarah? Ob. Pr. She talketh unintelligibly, Sarah. Mrs Pr. She will not do it.
Which way did she hear this? This should not Ob. Pr. Verily, thy naked breasts troubleth my have reached the ears of the wicked ones :-resioutward man; I pray thee hide 'em, Anne: put | ly, it troubleth me.
Aside. on an handkerchief, Anne Lovely. Mrs Lov I hate handkerchiefs when 'tis not
Enter Serrant. cold weather, Mr Prim.
Sero. Philip Modelove, whom they call Sir Phi. Mrs Pr. I have seen thee wear a handkerchief, lip, is below, and such another with him; shall I nay, and a mask to boot, in the middle of July.
send them up? Mrs Lov. Ay, to keep the sun from scorching Ob. Pr. Yea.
[Exit Serz. Ob. Pr. If thou couldst not bear the sun-beams,
Enter Sir PHILIP and Colonel. how dost thou think man can bear thy beams? Sir Phil. How dost thou do, friend Prim?Those breasts inflame desire: Let them be hid, 1 Odso! my she-friend here too?-What, are you say.
documenting Miss Nancy ? reading her a lecture Mrs Lov. Let me be quiet, I say.-Must I be upon the pinch'd coif, I warrant ye. tormented thus for ever? Sure no woman's con Mrs Pr. I am sure thou didst rever read her dition ever equalled mine! Foppery, folly, avarice, any lecture that was good.—My flesh riseth so and hypocrisy, are, by turns, my constant compa- at these wicked ones, that prudence adviseth me nions, -and I must vary shapes as often as a play to withdraw from their sight.
(Erit. er–I cannot think my father meant this tyranny ! Col. Oh! that I could find means to speak with No, you usurp an authority which he never in her ! How charming she appears! I wish I could tended you should take.
get this letter into her hand. Ob. Pr. Hark thee: Dost thou call good counsel Sır Phil. Well, Miss Cockey, I hope thou hast tyranny? Do I or my wife tyrannize, when we
got the better of them. desire thee, in all love, to put off thy tempting at Mrs Loo. The difficulties of my life are not to tire, and veil thy provokers to sin ?
be surmounted, Sir Philip.— I hate the impertiMrs Lov. Deliver me, good Heaven! or I shall nence of him as much as the stupidity of the go distracted.
[Walks ubout. other. Mrs Pr. So! now thy pinners are tost, and Ob. Pr. Verily, Philip, thou wilt spoil this maidthy breasts pulled up ! -Verily, they were seen enough before. Fie upon the filthy tailor who Sir Phil. I find we still differ in opinion ; but made thy stays.
that we may none of us spoil her, prýthee, Prim, Mrs Loo. I wish I were in my grave ! Kill me let us consent to marry her. I have sent for our rather than treat me thus.
brother guardians to meet me here about this Ob. Pr. Kill thee! Ha, ha ! thou thinkest thou
very thing--Madam, will you give me leave to reart acting some lewd play, sure: -Kill thee! Art commend a husband to you ? _Here's a gentlethou prepared for death, Anne Lovely? No, no, man, whom, in my mind, you can have no obthou wouldst rather have a husband, Anne :
jection to. (Presents the Colonel to her; she looks thou wantest a gilt coach, with six lazy fellows behind, to flaunt it in the ring of vanity, among Mrs Loo. Heaven deliver me from the formal the princes and rulers of the land—who pamper and the fantastic fool! themselves with the fatness thereof : but I will
Col. A fine woman, a fine horse, and fine take care that none shall squander away thy fa- equipage, are the finest things in the universe; ther's
estate; thou shalt marry none such, Anne. and if I'am so happy to possess you, madam, Mrs Lov. Would you marry me to one of your shall become the envy of mankind, own canting sect?
whole sex. [ds he takes her Ob. Pr. Yea, verily, no one else shall ever get hand, to kiss it, he endeavours to put a letter my consent, I do assure thee, Anne.
into it; she lets it drop-Prim takes it up. Mrs Lov. And I do assure thee, Obadiah, that Mrs Loo. I have no ambition to appear con I will as soon turn papist, and die in a convent. spicuously ridiculous, sir. Mrs Pr. Oh, wickedness !
Col. So fail the hopes of Fainwell. Mrs Lov. Oh, stupidity!
Mrs Lov. Ha ! Fainwell ! _Tis he !-What Ob. Pr. Oh, blindness of heart !
have I done ? Prim has the letter, and it will be Mrs Loo. Thou blinder of the world, don't discover'd. provoke me,- lest I betray your sanctity, and Ob. Pr. Friend, I know not thy name, so caso leave your wife to judge of your purity :—What not call thee by it ; but thou seest thy letter is were the emotions of your spirit when you unwelcome to the maiden ; she will not read it, squeez’d Mary by the hand last night in the Mrs Lov. Nor shall you? (Snatches the letter pantry:-when she told you you buss'd so filthi- I'll tear
it in a thousand pieces, and scatter it, as İy? Ah! you had no aversion to naked bosoms, I will the hopes of all those that
any when you begged her to shew you a little, little, recommend to me.
as much as
[Turning from him.
of you shal]
[Tears the letter.