Sir Phil. Ha! Right woman, faith! Col. Excellent woman! [Aside. Ob. Pr. Friend, thy garb savoureth too much of the vanity of the age for my approbation; nothing that resembleth Philip Modelove shall I love; mark that; therefore, friend Philip, bring no more of thy own apes under my roof.

Sir Phil. I am so entirely a stranger to the monsters of thy breed, that I shall bring none of them, I am sure.

Col. I am likely to have a pretty task by that time I have gone thro' them all; but she's a city worth taking, and, 'egad, I'll carry on the siege; if I can but blow up the out-works, I fancy I am pretty secure of the town. [Aside.

Enter Mr PERIWINKLE and TRADELOVE. These are my brother guardians, Mr Fainwell; pr'ythee observe the creatures. [Aside to Col. Trade. Well, Sir Philip, I obey your summons. Per. Pray, what have you to offer for the good of Mrs Lovely, Sir Philip?

Sir Phil. First, I desire to know what you intend to do with that lady? Must she be sent to the Indies for a venture-or live an old maid, and then be enter'd amongst your curiosities, and shewn for a monster, Mr Periwinkle ?

Coi. Humph! Curiosities! That must be the virtuoso. [Aside.

Per. Why, what would you do with her? Sir Phil. I would recommend this gentleman to her for a husband, sir-a person whom I have pick'd out from the whole race of mankind.

Ob. Pr. I would advise thee to shuffle him again with the rest of mankind, for I like him

not.

Col. Pray, sir, without offence to your formality, what may be your objections >

Ob. Pr. Thy person, thy manners, thy dress, thy acquaintance,-thy every thing, friend. Sir Phil. You are most particularly obliging, friend; ha, ha!

Trade. What business do you follow, pray, sir? Col. Humph! By that question he must be the broker. [side.]-Business, sir! the business of a gentleman.

Trade. That is as much as to say, you dress fine, feed high, lie with every woman you like, and pay your surgeon's bills better than your tailor's or your butcher's.

Col. The court is much obliged to you, sir, for your character of a gentleman.

Trade. The court, sir! What would the court do without us citizens?

Sir Phil. Without your wives and daughters, you mean, Mr Tradelove.

Per. Have you ever travell'd, sir?

Col. That question must not be answered now -In books I have, sir.

Per. In books! That's fine travelling indeed! -Sir Philip, when you present a person I like, he shall have my consent to marry Mrs Lovely; till then, your servant. [Exit. Col. I'll make you like me before I have done with you, or I am mistaken.

[Aside.

Trade. And when you can convince me that a beau is more useful to my country than a merchant, you shall have mine; 'till then, you must [Exit.

excuse me.

Col. So much for trade—I'll fit you too.

[Aside.

Sir Phil. In my opinion, this is very inhuman treatment, as to the lady, Mr Prim.

Ob. Pr. Thy opinion and mine happens to differ as much as our occupations, friend: business requireth my presence, and folly thine; and so I [Exit. must bid thee farewell. Sir Phil. Here's breeding for you, Mr Fainwell!-Gad take me,

Half my estate I'd give to see 'em bit. Col. I hope to bite you all, if my plot hit. [Exeunt.

and king commanded; so don't you fear that part; if he don't know me again, I am safe.I hope he'll come.

Sack. I wish all my debts would come as sure. I told him you had been a great traveller, had many valuable curiosities, and was a person of a most singular taste; he seemed transported, and begged me to keep you till he came.

Col. Ay, ay, he need not fear my running away. -Let's have a bottle of sack, landlord; our ancestors drank sack.

Sack. You shall have it.

Col. And whereabouts is the trap-door you mentioned?

Suck. There's the conveyance, sir.

[Exit. Col. Now, if I should cheat all these roguish guardians, and carry off my mistress in triumph, it would be what the French call a grand coup d'eclat-Odso! here comes Periwinkle.--Ah! Deuce take this beard; pray Jupiter it does not give me the slip, and spoil all.

Enter SACKBUT with wine, and PERIWINKLE following.

Sack. Sir, this gentleman, hearing you have been a great traveller, and a person of fine speculation, begs leave to take a glass with you; he is a man of a curious taste himself.

Cot. The gentleman has it in his face and garb. -Sir, you are welcome.

Per. Sir, I honour a traveller, and men of your enquiring disposition. The oddness of your habit pleases me extremely; 'tis very antique, and for that I like it.

Col. 'Tis very antique, sir:-This habit once belonged to the famous Claudius Ptolemeus, who lived in the year one hundred and thirty-five.

cordials-Oh! that I had lived in your uncle's days; or, rather, that he were now alive!-Oh! how proud he'd be of such a nephew!

Sack. Oh, pox! that would have spoil'd the

jest. [Aside. Per. A person of your curiosity must have collected many rarities.

Col. I have some, sir, which are not yet come a-shore; as an Egyptian idol.

Per. Pray, what may thất be?

Col. It is, sir, a kind of an ape, which they formerly worshipped in that country: I took it from the breast of a female mummy.

Per. Ha, ha! our women retain part of their idolatry to this day; for many an ape lies on a lady's breast; ha, ha!

Sack. A smart old thief.

[Aside.

Col. Two tusks of an hippopotamus, two pair of Chinese nut-crackers, and one Egyptian mummy.

Per. Pray, sir, have you never a crocodile?

Col. Humph! the boatswain brought one with a design to shew it; but touching at Rotterdam, and hearing it was no rarity in England, he sold it to a Dutch poet.

Sack. The devil's in that nation, it rivals us in every thing.

Per. I should have been very glad to have seen a living crocodile.

Col. My genius led me to things more worthy of regard- -Sir, I have seen the utmost limits of this globular world: I have seen the sun rise and set, know in what degree of heat he is in at noon, to the breadth of a hair, and what quantity of combustibles he burns in a day, and how much of it turns to ashes and how much to cinders.

Per. To cinders! You amaze me, sir. I never heard that the sun consumed any thing. Descartes tells us

Col. Descartes, with the rest of his brethren, both ancient and modern, knew nothing of the matter. I tell you, sir, that nature admits an annual decay, though imperceptible to vulgar eyes.

Per. No more don't I, sir. I had rather be the jest of a fool than his favourite.-I am laughed at here for my singularity- -This coat, you must know, sir, was formerly worn by that ingenious and very learned person, Mr John Tradescant of Lambeth

Col. John Tradescant! Let me embrace you, sir -John Tradescant was my uncle, by my mother's side; and I thank you for the honour you do his memory: He was a very curious man indeed.

Per. Your uncle, sir!-Nay, then, 'tis no wonder that your taste is so refined: Why, you have it in your blood.-My humble service to you, sir: -To the immortal memory of John Tradescant, your never to-be-forgotten uncle. [Drinks.

Col. Give me a glass, landlord. Per. I find you are primitive, even in your wine. Canary was the drink of our wise forefathers; 'tis balsamic, and saves the charge of 'pothecaries

Per. Yes, yes; I remember to have seen one; and our astrologers tell us of another which will happen very quickly.

Col. Those comets are little islands bordered on the sun, which at certain times are set on fire by that luminous body's moving over them perpendicular, which will one day occasion a general conflagration.

Sack. One need not scruple the colonel's capacity, faith. (Aside. Per. This is marvellous strange! These cinders are what I never read of in any of our learned dissertations.

Col. I don't know how the devil you should. [Aside.

Sack. He has it at his fingers ends: One would swear he had learned to lie at school, he does it so cleverly, [Aside.

Sack. Yes, if you are such a gander as to believe him. [Aside. Col. I have an Indian leaf, which, open, will cover an acre of land, yet folds up in so little a compass, you may put it into your snuff-box.

Sack. Humph! That's a thunderer. [Aside. Per. Amazing!

Col. Ah! mine is but a little one: I have seen some of them that would cover one of the Caribbee Islands.

Per. Well, if I don't travel before I die, I sha'n't rest in my grave-Pray, what do the Indians with them?

Col. Sir, they use them in their wars for tents, the old women for riding-hoods, the young for fans and umbrellas.

Sack. He has a fruitful invention. [Aside. Per. I admire our East India Company imports none of them; they would certainly find their account in them.

Col. Right, if they could find the leaves. [Aside. -Look ye, sir, do you see this little phial? Per. Pray you, what is it?

Col. This is called Poluflosboio.

Per. Poluflosboio!-It has a rumbling sound. Col. Right, sir: it proceeds from a rumbling nature. This water was part of those waves which bore Cleopatra's vessel when she sailed to meet Anthony.

Per. Well, of all that ever travelled, none had a taste like you.

Col. But here's the wonder of the world.This, sir, is called Zona, or Moros Musphonon: the virtues of this are inestimable.

Per. Moros Musphonon! What, in the name of wisdom, can that be?-To me it seems a plain belt.

Col. This girdle has carried me all the world

over.

Per. You have carried it, you mean.

Col. I mean as I say, sir.-Whenever I am girded with this, I am invisible, and, by turning this little screw, can be in the court of the Great Mogul, the Grand Signior, and King George, in as little time as your cook can poach an egg. Per. You must pardon me, sir; I cann't believe it.

Col. If my landlord pleases, he shall try the experiment immediately.

Suck. I thank you kindly, sir, but I have no inclination to ride post to the devil.

Col. No, no, you sha'n't stir a foot; I'll only make you invisible.

Sack. But if you could not make me visible

again?

Per. Come, try it upon me, sir; I am not afraid

of the devil, nor all his tricks.-'Sbud!-I'll stand 'em all.

Col. There, sir, put it on.-Come, landlord, you and I must face the east. [They turn about.] Is it on, sir?

Per. 'Tis on.

[They turn about again. Suck. Heaven protect me! where is he?" Per. Why here, just where I was.

Sack. Where, where, in the name of virtue?— Ah, poor Mr Periwinkle !—'Egad, look to't ; you had best, sir, and let him be seen again, or I shall have you burnt for a wizard.

Col. Have patience, good landlord.

Per. But, really, don't you see me now? Sack. No more than I see my grandmother, that died forty years ago.

Per. Are you sure you don't lie? Methinks I stand just where I did, and see you as plain as I did before.

Sack. Ah! I wish I could see you once again. Col. Take off the girdle, sir. (He takes it off. Sack. Ah, sir, I am glad to see you with all my heart. [Embraces him. Per. This is very odd; certainly there must be some trick in't.-Pray, sir, will you do me the favour to put it on yourself.

Col. With all my heart.

Per. But first I'll secure the door. Col. You know how to turn the screw, Mr Sackbut?

Sack. Yes, yes.must turn full east.

-Come, Mr Periwinkle, we

[They turn, the Colonel sinks down the trup-door. Col. 'Tis done; now turn. [They turn. Per. Ha! mercy upon me; my flesh creeps upon my bones.—This must be a conjuror, Mr Sackbut.

Sack. He is the devil, I think.

Per. O, Mr Sackbut, why do you name the devil, when perhaps he may be at your elbow? Sack. At my elbow! Marry! Ileaven forbid. Col. Are you satisfied? [From under the stage. Per. Yes, sir, yes--How hollow his voice sounds!

Sack. Yours seem'd just the same- -Faith, I wish this girdle were mine; I'd sell wine no more. Hark ye, Mr Periwinkle, [Takes him aside till the Colonel rises again] if he would sell this girdle, you might travel with great expedition.

Col. But it is not to be parted with for money. Per. I am sorry for't, sir, because I think it the greatest curiosity I ever heard of.

Col. By the advice of a learned physiognomist in Grand Cairo, who consulted the lines in my face, I returned to England, where he told me I should find a rarity in the keeping of four men, which I was born to possess for the benefit of mankind; and the first of the four that gave me his consent, I should present him with this gir dle: Till I have found this jewel I shall not part with the girdle.

Per. What can that rarity be? Didn't he name it to you?

Col. Yes, sir; he called it a chaste, beautiful, unaffected woman.

Per. Pish! Women are no rarities- -I never had any great taste that way. I married, indeed, to please my father, and I got a girl to please my wife; but she and the child (thank Heaven) died together-Women are the very gewgaws of the creation; play-things for boys, who, when they write man, they ought to throw aside. Sack. A fine lecture to be read to a circle of ladies! [Aside. Per. What woman is there, dressed in all the pride and foppery of the times, can boast of such a foretop as the cockatoo ?

Col. I must humour him-[Aside.]-Such a skin as the lizard?

Per. Such a shining breast as the humming-bird? Col. Such a shape as the antelope?

Per. Or, in all the artful mixture of their various dresses, have they half the beauty of one box of butterflies?

Col. No, that must be allow'd-For my part, if it were not for the benefit of mankind, I'd have nothing to do with them; for they are as indifferent to me as a sparrow or a flesh-fly.

Per. Pray, sir, what benefit is the world to reap from this lady?

Col. Why, sir, she is to bear me a son, who shall revive the art of embalming, and the old Roman manner of burying their dead; and, for the benefit of posterity, he is to discover the longitude, so long sought for in vain.

Per. Od! these are valuable things, Mr Sack

but!

Suck. He hits it off admirably, and t'other swallows it like sack and sugar-[Aside.]-Certainly this lady must be your ward, Mr Periwinkle, by her being under the care of four persons.

Per. By the description it should-'Egad, if I could get that girdle, I'd ride with the sun, and make the tour of the world in four-and-twenty hours.-[Aside.And are you to give that girdle to the first of the four guardians that shall give his consent to marry that lady, say you, sir?

Col. I am so ordered, when I can find him. Per. I fancy I know the very woman-her name is Anne Lovely?

Col. Excellent!-He said, indeed, that the first letter of her name was L.

Per. Did he really? -Well, that's prodigiously amazing, that a person in Grand Cairo should know any thing of my ward. Col. Your ward!

Per. To be plain with you, sir, I am one of those four guardians.

Col. Are you, indeed, sir? I am transported to find the man who is to possess this Moros Musphonon is a person of so curious a taste-Here is a writing, drawn up by that famous Egyptian, which if you will please to sign, you must turn your face full north, and the girdle is yours.

Per. If I live till this boy is born, I'll be embalm'd, and sent to the Royal Society when I die. Col. That you shall, most certainly.

Enter Drawer.

Col. Who do you speak to, you son of a whore?
Per. Ha! colonel!
[Aside.

Col. Confound the blundering dog! [Aside.
Draw. Why, to Colonel-
Sack. Get you out, you rascal.

[Kicks him out, and goes after him. Draw. What the devil is the matter? Col. This dog has ruin'd all my schemes, I see by Periwinkle's looks. [Aside.

was

Per. How finely I should have been chous’d— Colonel, you'll pardon me that I did not give you your title before-it was pure ignorance, faith it -Pray-hem, hem! Pray, colonel, what post had this learned Egyptian in your regiment? Col. A pox of your sneer! [dside.] I don't understand you, sir.

Per. No! that's strange! I understand you, colonel-An Egyptian of Grand Cairo! ha, ha, ha!-I am sorry such a well-invented tale should do you no more service-We old fellows can see as far into a millstone as them that pick it—I am not to be trick'd out of my trust-mark that.

Col. The devil! I must carry it off. I wish I were fairly out. [Aside.] Look ye, sir, you may make what jest you please-but the stars will be obey'd, sir; and, depend upon't, I shall have the lady, and you none of the girdle.-Now for Mr Freeman's part of the plot. [Aside.] [Exit. Per. The stars! ha, ha!-No star has favour.

ed

you, it seems- -The girdle! ha, ha, ha! None of your legerdemain tricks can pass upon me- -Why, what a pack of trumpery has this rogue picked up-His Pagod, Poluflosboio, his Zonas, Moros Musphonons, and the devil knows what--But I'll take care-Ha! gone!-Ay, 'twas time to sneak off-Soho! the house! [Enter SACKBUT.] Where is this trickster? Send for a constable: I'll have this rascal before the lord-mayor: I'll Grand Cairo him, with a pox to him-I believe you had a hand in putting this imposture upon me, Sackbut.

Suck. Who? I, Mr Periwinkle? I scorn it. I perceived he was a cheat, and left the room on purpose to send for a constable to apprehend him, and endeavour'd to stop him when he went out-But the rogue made but one step from the stairs to the door, call'd a coach, leap'd into it, and drove away like the devil, as Mr Freeman can witness, who is at the bar, and desires to speak with you: he is this minute come to town.

Per. Send him in. [Exit SACKBUT.] What a scheme this rogue has laid! How I should have been laugh'd at, had it succeeded!

Enter FREEMAN, booted and spurred. Mr Freeman, your dress commands your welcome to town. What will you drink? I had like to have been impos'd upon here by the veriest rascal.

Free. I am sorry to hear it-the dog flew for't: He had not 'scap'd me, if I had been aware of him: Sackbut struck at him, but miss'd his blow, or he had done his business for him.

Per. I believe you never heard of such a contrivance, Mr Freeman, as this fellow had found

Free. Mr Sackbut has told me the whole story,

Mr Periwinkle; but now I have something to tell you of much more importance to yourself.happen'd to lie one night at Coventry, and knowing your uncle Sir Toby Periwinkle, I paid him a visit, and, to my great surprise, found him dying. Per. Dying!

Free. Dying, in all appearance; the servants weeping, the room in darkness: the 'pothecary, shaking his head, told me the doctors had given him over; and then there are small hopes, you know.

Per. I hope he made his will-He always told me he would make me his heir.

Free. I have heard you say as much, and therefore resolv'd to give you notice. I should think it would not be amiss if you went down to-morrow morning.

Per. It is a long journey, and the roads very

bad.

Free. But he has a great estate, and the land very good-Think upon that.

Per. Why, that's true, as you say: I'll think upon it: In the mean time, I give you many thanks for your civility, Mr Freeman, and should be glad of your company to dine with me.

Free. I am oblig'd to be at Jonathan's coffeehouse at two, and now it is half an hour after one: if I dispatch my business, I'll wait on you: I know your hour.

Per. You shall be very welcome, Mr Freeman, and so your humble servant.

[Exit.

Re-enter Colonel and SACKBUT. Free. Ha, ha, ha! I have done your business, solonel: he has swallow'd the bait.

Col. I overheard all, though I am a little in the dark. I am to personate a highwayman, I suppose-That's a project I am not fond of; for though I may fright him out of his consent, he may fright me out of my life, when he discovers me, as he certainly must in the end.

Free. No, no, I have a plot for you without danger; but first we must manage TradeloveHas the tailor brought your clothes?

Sack. Yes, pox take the thief!

Free. Well, well, no matter: I warrant we have him yet-But now you must put on the Dutch merchant.

Col. The deuce of this trading plot-I wish he had been an old soldier, that I might have attack'd him in my own way, heard him fight o'er all the battles of the late war-But for trade, by Jupiter, I shall never do it.

Sack. Never fear, colonel: Mr Freeman will instruct you.

Free. You'll see what others do:-the coffeehouse will instruct you.

Col. I must venture, however- -But I have a farther plot in my head upon Tradelove, which you must assist me in, Freeman: You are in credit with him, I heard you say.

Free. I am, and will scruple nothing to serve you, colonel. Col. Come along then-Now for the Dutch-Honest Ptolomy. By your leave.

man

Now must bag-wig and bus'ness come in play: A thirty thousand pound girl leads the way. [Exeunt.

SCENE I.-Jonathan's Coffee-house, in 'ChangeAlley. A crowd of People, with Rolls of Paper and Parchment in their Hands; a Bar, and Coffee-Boys waiting.

Enter TRADELOVE and Stock-jobbers, with rolls of Paper and Parchment.

1st Stock. South-sea, at seven-eighths; who buys?

2d Stock. South-sea bonds, due at Michaelmas, 1718. Class lottery-tickets?

3d Stock. East India bonds?

4th Stock. What, all sellers and no buyers? Gentlemen, I'll buy a thousand pound for Tuesday next, at three-fourths.

Coff-Boy. Fresh coffee, gentlemen, fresh coffee!

Trade. Hark ye, Gabriel, you'll pay the difference of that stock we transacted for t'other day. Gab. Ay, Mr Tradelove, here's a note for the money upon the Sword-Blade Company.

[Gives him a note.

Coff-Boy. Bohea tea, gentlemen!

Enter a Man.

Man. Is Mr Smuggle here?

1st Coff-Boy. Mr Smuggle's not here, sir: you'il find him at the books.

2d Stock. Ho! here comes two sparks from t'other end of the town; what news bring they?

Enter two Gentlemen.

Trade. I would fain bite the spark in the brown coat; he comes very often into the Alley, but never employs a broker.

Enter Colonel and FREEMAN.

2d Stock. Who does any thing in the Civil List lottery? or Caco?-Zounds! where are all the Jews this afternoon?-Are you a bull or a bear to-day, Abraham ?

3d Stock. A bull, faith-but I have a good put for next week.

Trade. Mr Freeman, your servant!-Who is that gentleman?