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Sir Phil. Ha! Right woman, faith!
Col. Pray, sir, without offence to your formaCol. Excellent woman!
(Aside. lity, what may be your objections Ob. Pr. Friend, thy garb savoureth too much Ob. Pr. Thy person, thy manners, thy dress, of the vanity of the age for my approbation; no- thy acquaintance,—thy every thing, friend. thing that resembleth Philip Modelove shall I love; Sir Phil. You are most particularly obliging, mark that; therefore, friend Philip, bring no friend; ha, ha! more of thy own apes under my roof.
Trude. What business do you follow, pray, sir? Sir Fhl. I am so entirely a stranger to the Col. Humph! By that question he must be the monsters of thy breed, that I shall bring none of broker. (siside.] – Business, sir ! the business of them, I am sure.
a gentleman. Col. I am likely to have a pretty task by that Trade. That is as much as to say, you dress time I have gone thro' them all; but she's a city fine, feed high, lie with every woman you like, worth taking, and, 'egad, I'll carry on the siege; and pay your surgeon's bills better than your taiif I can but blow up the out-works, I fancy I am lor's or your butcher's. pretty secure of the town.
(Aside. Col. The court is much obliged to you, sir, for
your character of a gentleman. Enter Servant.
Trude. The court, sir! What would the court Sero. Toby Periwinkle and Thomas Tradelove do without us citizens? demand to see thee.
[To Sir Philip. Sir Phil. Without your wives and daughters, Sir Phui. Bid them come up.
you mean, Mr Tradelove. Mrs Lov. Deliver me from such an inundation Per. Have you ever travell d, sir? of noise and nonsense -Oh, Fainwell! whatever Col. That question must not be answered now thy contrivance be, prosper it Heaven ;-but oh! -In books I have, sir. I fear thou never canst redeem me. (Exit. Per. In books! That's fine travelling indeed! Sir Phil. Sic transit gloria mundi.
-Sir Philip, when you present a person I like,
he shall have my consent to marry Mr: Lovely; Enter Mr PERIWINKLE and TRADELOVE.
till then, your servant.
(Ent. These are my brother guardians, Mr Fainwell; Col. I'll make you like me before I have done pr’ythee observe the creatures. (Aside to Cul. with you, or I am mistaken.
(Aside. Trade. Well, Sir Philip, I obey your summons. Trade. And when you can convince me that a Per. Pray, what have you to offer for the good beau is more useful to iny country than a merof Mrs Lovely, Sir Philip?
chant, you shall have mine; 'till then, you must Sir Phil. First, I desire to know what you in excuse me.
[Exit. tend to do with that lady? Must she be sent to Col. So much for trade-I'll fit you too. the Indies for a venture-or live an old maid,
(Aside. and then be enter'd amongst your curiosities, and Sir Phil. In my opinion, this is very inhuman shewn for a monster, Mr Periwinkle?
treatment, as to the lady, Mr Prim. Goi. Huinph! Curiosities ! That must be the 06. Pr. Thy opinion and mine happens to dif. virtuoso.
(Aside. fer as much as our occupations, friend : business Per. Why, what would you do with her? requireth my presence, and folly thine ; and so I Şir Phil. I would recommend this gentleman must bid thee farewell.
(E.cit. to her for a husband, sir-a person whom I have Sir Phil. Here's breeding for you, Mr Fainpick'd out from the whole race of mankind. well!--Gad tai me,
Ob. Pr. I would advise thee to shuffle him Half my estate I'd give to see 'em bit. again with the rest of mankind, for I like him Col. I hope to bite you all, if my plot hit. pot.
Sack. Pass upon him! ay, ay, as roundly as SCENE I. The Tatern.
white wine dashed with sack does for mountain
and sherry, if you have assurance enough. SACKBUT, and the Colonel, in an Egyptian Dress. Col. I have no apprehension from that quarter;
Sack. A lucky beginning, colonel -You have assurance is the cockave of a soldier. got the old beau's consent.
Sack. Ay, but the assurance of a soldier differs Col. Ay, he's a reasonable creature ; but the much from that oi a traveller.-Can you lie with other three will require some pains-Shall I pass a good grace? upon him, think you ? 'Egad, in my mind, I look Col. As heartily, when my mistress is the prize, as antique as if I had been preserved in the ark. as I would meet the foe when my country called
and king commanded; so don't you fear that part; cordials-Oh! that I had lived in your uncle's if he don't know me again, I am safe. — I hope days; or, rather, that he were now alive !-Oh! he'll come.
how proud he'd be of such a nephew ! Sack. I wish all my debts would come as sure. Sack. Oh, pox! that would have spoil'd the I told him you had been a great traveller, had jest.
Aside, many valuable curiosities, and was a person of a Per. A person of your curiosity must have colmost singular taste; he seemed transported, and lected many rarities. begged me to keep you till he came.
Col. I have some, sir, which are not yet come Col. Ay, ay, he need not fear my running away. a-shore; as an Egyptian idol. -Let's have a bottle of sack, landlord; our ances Per. Pray, what may thất be? tors drank sack.
Col. It is, sir, a kind of an ape, which they forSnck. You shall have it.
merly worshipped in that country: I took it from Col. And whereabouts is the trap-door you the breast of a female mummy. mentioned ?
Per. Ha, ha! our women retain part of their Sack. There's the conveyance, sir. [Exit. idolatry to this day; for many an ape lies on a
Co!. Now, if I should cheat all these roguish lady's breast; ha, ha! guardians, and carry off my mistress in triumph, Sack. A smart old thief.
(Aside. it would be what the French call a grand coup Col. Two tusks of an hippopotamus, two pair d'eclat-Odso! here comes Periwinkle.--Ah! of Chinese nut-crackers, and one Egyptian mumDeuce take this beard ; pray Jupiter it does not my. give me the slip, and spoil all.
Per. Pray, sir, have you never a crocodile?
Col. Humph! the boatswain brought one with Enter SACKBUT with wine, and PERIWINKLE following:
a design to shew it; but touching at Rotterdam,
and hearing it was no rarity in England, he sold Sack. Sir, this gentleman, hearing you have it to a Dutch poet. been a great traveller, and a person of fine spe Sack. The devil's in that nation, it rivals us in culation, begs leave to take a glass with you; he every thing. is a man of a curious taste himself.
Per. I should have been very glad to have seen Col. The gentleman has it in his face and garb. a living crocodile. -Sir, you are welcome.
Col. My genius led me to things more worthy Per. Sir, I honour a traveller, and men of your of regard -Sir, I have seen the utmost limits enquiring disposition. The oddness of your habit of this globular world: I have seen the sun rise pleases me extremely; 'tis very antiquie, and for and set, know in what degree of heat he is in at that I like it.
noon, to the breadth of a hair, and what quantity Col. 'Tis very antique, sir :—This habit once of combustibles he burns in a day, and how much belonged to the famous Claudius Ptolemeus, who of it turns to ashes and how much to cinders. lived in the year one hundred and thirty-five. Per. To cinders! You amaze me, sir. I never
Sack. If he keeps up to the sample, he shall heard that the sun consumed any thing. Deslie with the devil for a bean-stack, and win it cartes tells usevery straw.
[Aside. Col. Descartes, with the rest of his brethren, Per. A hundred and thirty-five? Why, that's both ancient and modern, knew nothing of the prodigious now!-Well, certainly 'tis the finest matter. I tell you, sir, that nature admits an thing in the world to be a traveller.
annual decay, though imperceptible to vulgar eyes. Col. For my part, I value none of the modern -Sometimes his rays destroy below, sometimes fashions a fig-leaf.
above. You have heard of blazing comets, I supPer. No more don't I, sir. I had rather be the jest of a fool than his favourite.--I am laughed at P'er. Yes, yes; I remember to have seen one; here for my singularity-This coat, you must and our astrologers tell us of another which will know, sir, was formerly worn by that ingenious | happen very quickly. and very learned person, Mr John Tradescant of Col. Those comets are little islands bordered Lambeth
on the sun, which at certain times are set on Col. John Tradescant ! Let me embrace you, sir fire by that luminous body's moving over them -John Tradescant was my uncle, by my mother's perpendicular, wbich will one day occasioni a gea side; and I thank you for the honour you do his neral conflagration. memory: He was a very curious man indeed.
Sack. One need not scruple the colonel's caPer. Your uncle, sir! - Nay, then, 'tis no won-pacity, faith. der that your taste is so refined: Why, you have Per. This is marvellous strange! These cinit in your blood. - My humble service to you, sir: ders are what I never read of in any of our learn
- To the immortal memory of John Tradescant, ed dissertations. your never to-be-forgotten uncle. (Drinks. Col. I don't know how the devil you should,
Col. Give me a glass, landlord.
Per. I find you are primitive, even in your wine. Sack. He has it at his fingers ends : One would Canary was the drink of our wise forefathers; swear he had learned to lie at school, he does it 'tis balsamic, and saves the charge of ’pothecaries so cleverly.,
Per. Well, you travellers see strange things ! of the devil, nor all his tricks.--'Sbud!—I'll stand - Pray, sir, have you any of those cinders? 'em all. Gol. I have, among my other curiosities.
Col. There, sir, put it on.-Come, landlord, Per. Oh, what have I lost for want of travel- you and I must face the east. [They turn about.) ling! Pray, what have you else?
Is it on, sir ? Col. Several things worth your attention.-I Per. 'Tis on. [They turn about again. have a muff made of the feathers of those geese Sack. Heaven protect me! where is he? that saved the Roman capitol.
Per. Why here, just where I was. Per. Is't possible?
Sack. Where, where, in the name of virtue?Sack. Yes, if you are such a gander as to be Ah, poor Mr Periwinkle !—'Egad, look to't ; you lieve him.
(Aside. had best, sir, and let him be seen again, or I shall Col. I have an Indian leaf, which, open, will have you burnt for a wizard. cover an acre of land, yet folds up in so little a Col. Have patience, good landlord. compass, you may put it into your snuff-box. Per. But, really, don't you see me now?
Sack. Humph! That's a thunderer. [ Aside. Sack. No more than I see my grandmother, Per. Amazing!
that died forty years ago. Col. Ah! mine is but a little one : I have seen Per. Are you sure you don't lie? Methinks I some of them that would cover one of the Carib- stand just where I did, and see you as plain as I bee Islands.
did before. Per. Well, if I don't travel before I die, I sha'n't Sack. Ah! I wish I could see you once again. rest in my grave-Pray, what do the Indians with Col. Take off the girdle, sir. (He iukes it off: them?
Sack. Ah, sir, I am glad to see you with all Col. Sir, they use them in their wars for tents,
[Embruces him. the old women for riding-hoods, the young for Per. This is very odd; certainly there must fans and umbrellas.
be some trick in't. - Pray, sir, will you do me Sack. He has a fruitful invention. (Aside. the favour to put it on yourself.
Per. I admire our East India Company imports Col. With all my heart. none of them ; they would certainly find their ac Per. But first I'll secure the door. count in them.
Col. You know how to turn the screw, Mr Coi. Right, if they could find the leaves. [ Aside. Sackbut ? -Look ye, sir, do you see this little phial ?
Sack. Yes, yes. -Come, Mr Periwinkle, we Per. Pray you, what is it?
must turn full east. Col. This is called Poluflosboio.
[They turn, the Colonel sinks down the trup-door. Per. Poluflosboio!—It has a rumbling sound. Col. 'Tis done; now turn. [They turn.
Col. Right, sir: it proceeds from a rumbling Per. Ha! mercy upon me; my flesh creeps nature. This water was part of those waves which upon my bones. -This must be a conjuror, Mr bore Cleopatra's vessel when she sailed to meet Sackbut. Anthony.
Sack. He is the devil, I think. Per. Well, of all that ever travelled, none had Per. 0, Mr Sackbut, why do you name the dea taste like you.
vil, when perhaps he may be at your elbow? Col. But here's the wonder of the world. Sack. At my elbow ! Marry ! Ileaven forbid. This, sir, is called Zona, or Moros Musphonon: Col. Are you satisfied ? [From under the stage. the virtues of this are inestimable.
Per. Yes, sir, yes---How hollow his voice Per. Moros Musphonon! What, in the name sounds! of wisdom, can that be !—To me it seems a plain Suck. Yours seem'd just the same -Faith, I belt.
wish this girdle were mine; I'd sell wine no more. Col. This girdle has carried me all the world Hark ye, Mr Periwinkle, Takes him aside till the
Colonel rises again) if he would sell this girdle, Per. You have carried it, you mean.
you might travel with great expedition. Col. I mean as I say, sir.—Whenever I am Col. But it is not to be parted with for money. girded with this, I am invisible, and, by turning Per. I am sorry for’t, sir, because I think it this little screw, can be in the court of the Great the greatest curiosity I ever heard of. Mogul, the Grand Signior, and King George, in Col. By the advice of a learned physiognomist as little time as your cook can poach an egg. in Grand Cairo, who consulted the lines in my Per. You must pardon me, sir ; I cann't be- face, I returned to England, where he told me I
should find a rarity in the keeping of four men, Col. If my landlord pleases, he shall try the ex which I was born to possess for the benefit of periment immediately;
mankind; and the first of the four that gave me Suck. I thank you kindly, sir, but I have no his consent, I should present him with this girinclination to ride post to the devil.
dle: Till I have found this jewel I shall not part Col. No, no, you sha'n't stir a foot; I'll only with the girdle. you invisible.
Per. What can that rarity be? Didn't he name Sack. But if you could not make me visible it to you? again?
Col. Yes, sir; he called it a chaste, beautiful, Per. Come, try it upon me, sir; I am not afraid unaffected woman.
Per. Pish! Women are no rarities
Col. Who do you speak to, you son of a whore? had any great taste that way. I married, indeed, Per. Ha ! colonel !
(Aside. to please my father, and I got a girl to please Col. Confound the blundering dog! (Aside. my wife; but she and the child (thank Heaven) Draw. Why, to Coloneldied together-Women are the very gewgaws Sack. Get you out, you rascal. of the creation; play-things for boys, who, when
(Kicks him out, and goes after hin, they write man, they ought to throw aside. Draw. What the devil is the matter?
Sack. A fine lecture to be read to a circle of Col. This dog has ruin'd all my schemes, I see ladies! [Aside. | by Periwinkle's looks.
(Aside. Per. What woman is there, dressed in all the Per. How finely I should have been chous'dpride and foppery of the times, can boast of such Colonel, you'll pardon me that I did not give you a foretop as the cockatoo ?
your title before-it was pure ignorance, faith it Col. I must humour him-[Aside.]-Such a -Pray-hem, hem! Pray, colonel, what skin as the lizard ?
post had this learned Egyptian in your regiment? Per. Such a shining breast as the humming-bird? Col. A pox of your sneer! [dside.) I don't unCol. Such a shape as the antelope ?
sir. Per. Or, in all the artful mixture of their va. Per. No! that's strange! I understand you, rious dresses, have they half the beauty of one colonel-An Egyptian of Grand Cairo! ha, ha, box of butterflies ?
ha !- I am sorry such a well-invented tale sbouid Col. No, that must be allow'd-For my part, do you no more service-We old fellows can if it were not for the benefit of mankind, I'd have see as far into a millstone as them that pick it-I nothing to do with them; for they are as indiffe am not to be trick'd out of my trust-mark that
. rent to me as a sparrow or a flesh-fly.
Col. The devil ! I must carry it off. I wish I Per. Pray, sir, what benefit is the world to reap were fairly out. (Aside.) Look ye, sir, you may from this lady?
make what jest you please but the stars will be Col. Why, sir, she is to bear me a son, who obey'd, sir; and, depend upon't, I shall have the shall revive the art of embalming, and the old lady, and you none of the girdle.—Now for Mr Roman manner of burying their dead; and, for Freeman's part of the plot. (Aside.] (Exit. the benefit of posterity, he is to discover the lon Per. The stars ! ha, ha!-No star has favour. gitude, so long sought for in vain.
-The girdle ! ha, ha, ha! Per. Od! these are valuable things, Mr Sack- None of your legerdemain tricks can pass upon but !
me- Why, what a pack of trumpery has this Sack. He hits it off admirably, and t'other swal rogue picked up–His Pagod, Polufiosboio, his lows it like sack and sugar—[ Aside.)-Certainly Zonas, Moros Musphonons, and the devil knows this lady must be your ward, Mr Periwinkle, by what -But I'll take care
-Ha ! her being under the care of four persons,
'twas time to sneak off. - Soho! the house! Per. By the description it should—'Egad, if [Enter SACKBUT.) Where is this trickster? Send I could get that girdle, I'd ride with the sun, and for a constable : I'll have this rascal before the make the tour of the world in four-and-twenty lord-mayor: I'll Grand Cairo him, with a pox to hours.-[Aside.)-And are you to give that girdle him—-I believe you had a hand in putting this to the first of the four guardians that shall give imposture upon me, Sackbut. his consent to marry that lady, say you, sir? Suck. Who? I, Mr Periwinkle ? I scorn it. I
Col. I am so ordered, when I can find him. perceived he was a cheat, and left the room on
Per. I fancy I know the very woman-her purpose to send for a constable to apprehend name is Anne Lovely?
him, and endeavour'd to stop him when he went Col. Excellent !-He said, indeed, that the first out-But the rogue made but one step from the letter of her name was L.
stairs to the door, callid a coach, leap'd into it, Per. Did he really? -Well, that's prodigi- and drove away like the devil, as wir Freeman ously amazing, that a person in Grand Cairo should can witness, who is at the bar, and desires to know any thing of my ward.
speak with you: he is this minute come to town. Col. Your ward !
Per. Send him in. [Exit SACKBUT.) What a Per. To be plain with you, sir, I am one of scheme this rogue has laid ! How I should have those four guardians.
been laugh'd at, had it succeeded ! Col. Are you, indeed, sir? I am transported to find the man who is to possess this Moros Mus
Enter FREEMAN, booted and spurred. phonon is a person of so curious a taste-Here Mr Freeman, your dress commands your welcome is a writing, drawn up by that famous Egyptian, to town. What will you drink? I had like to have which if you will please to sign, you must turn been impos'd upon here by the veriest rascal. your face full north, and the girdle is yours. Free. I am sorry to hear it-the dog flew for't:
Per. If I live till this boy is born, i'll be em He had not ’scap'd me, if I had been aware of balm’d, and sent to the Royal Society when I die. him : Sackbut struck at him, but miss'd his blow, Col. That you shall, most certainly.
or he had done his business for him.
Per. I believe you never heard of such a conEnter Drawer.
trivance, Mr Freeman, as this fellow had found Draw. Here's Mr Staytape the tailor enquires out. for you, colonel.
Free. Mr Sackbut has told me the whole story',
Mr Periwinkle ; but now I have something to tell Col. I overheard all, though I am a little in you of much more importance to yourself. I the dark. I am to personate a highwayman, I happen'd to lie one night at Coventry, and know-supposeThat's a project I am not fond of; for ing your uncle Sir Toby Periwinkle, I paid him a though I may fright him out of his consent, he visit, and, to my great surprise, found him dying. may fright me out of my life, when he discovers Per. Dying
me, as he certainly must in the end. Free. Dying, in all appearance ; the servants Free. No, no, I have a plot for you without weeping, the room in darkness: the 'pothecary, danger ; but first we must manage I'radeloveshaking bis head, told me the doctors had given Has the tailor brought your clothes ? him over ; and then there are small hopes, you Sack. Yes, pox take the thief ! know.
Free. Well, well, no matter: I warrant we have Per. I hope he made his will—He always told him yet—But now you must put on the Dutch me he would make me his heir.
merchant. Free, I have heard you say as much, and there Col. The deuce of this trading plot-I wish he fore resolv'd to give you notice. I should think had been an old soldier, that I might have atit would not be amiss if you went down to-mor- tack'd him in my own way, heard him fight o'er row morning.
all the battles of the late war-But for trade, by Per. It is a long journey, and the roads very Jupiter, I shall never do it. bad.
Sack. Never fear, colonel: Mr Freeman will inFree. But he has a great estate, and the land struct you. very good-Think upon that.
Free. You'll see what others do:-the coffeePer. Why, that's true, as you say: I'll think house will instruct you. upon it: In the mean time, I give you many thanks Col. I must venture, however-But I have for your civility, Mr Freeman, and should be glad a farther plot in my head upon Tradelove, which of your company to dine with me.
you must assist me in, Freeman : You are in creFree. I am oblig'd to be at Jonathan's coffee- dit with him, I heard you say, house at two, and now it is half an hour after Free. I am, and will scruple nothing to serve one: if I dispatch my business, I'll wait on you: you, colonel. I know your hour.
Col. Come along then-Now for the DutchPer. You shall be very welcome, Mr Freeman, man -Honest Ptolomy. By your leave. : and so your humble servant.
Now must bag-wig and bus'ness come in play: Re-enter Colonel and SACKBUT.
A thirty thousand pound girl leads the way. Free. Ha, ha, ha! I have done your business,
(Exeunt. colonel : he has swallow'd the bait.
Coff.-Boy. Bohea tea, gentlemen!
Enter a Man.
1st Coff-Boy. Mr Smuggle's not here, sir: you'll
find him at the books. Enter TRADELOVE and Stock.jobbers, with rolls
2d Stock. Ho! here comes two sparks from of Paper and Parchment.
t'other end of the town; what news bring they? 1st Stock. South-sea, at seven-eighths; who buys?
Enter two Gentlemen. 2d Stock. South-sea bonds, due at Michaelmas, Trade. I would fain bite the spark in the brown 1718. Class lottery-tickets?
coat; he comes very often into the Alley, but ne3d Stock. East India bonds ?
ver employs a broker. 4th Stock. What, all sellers and no buyers ? Gentlemen, I'll buy a thousand pound for Tues
Enter Colonel and TREEMAN. day next, at three-fourths.
2d Stock. Who does any thing in the Civil Coff.-Boy. Fresh coffee, gentlemen, fresh cof- List lottery? or Caco ?-Zounds where are all
the Jews this afternoon ?-Are you a bull or a Trude. Hark ye, Gabriel, you'll pay the diffe. bear to-day, Abraham? rence of that stock we transacted for i'other day. 3d Stock. A bull, faith—but I have a good put
Gan. Ay, Mr Tradelove, here's a note for the for next week. money upon the Sword-Blade Company.
Trade. Mr Freeman, your servant !-Who is (Gives him a note. I that gentleman ?