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Item, Three bottles of sack, for the use of Mrs
Vel. I am gone.
He shall be forth-coming Abigail.
(Excunt. L. Tru. I suppose that was by your own order. Vel. We have been long friends : we are your
Enter Butler, Coachman, and Gardener. honour's ancient servants. Sack is an innocent But. Rare news, my lads ! rare news! cordial, and gives her spirit to chide the servants, Gard. What's the matter? Hast thou got any when they are tardy in their business; he, he, more vails for us ? he! Pardon me for being jocular.
But. No,'tis better than that. L. Tru. Well, I see you'll come together at last. Coach. Is there another stranger come to the
Vei. Item, A dozen pound of watch-lights, for house? the use of the servants.
But. Ay, such a stranger as will make all our L. Tru. For the use of the servants ! What, lives easy. are the rogues afraid of sleeping in the dark ? Gard. What, is he a lord ? What an unfortunate woman am I! This is such But. A lord ! No, nothing like it-He's a cone a particular distress, it puts me to my wits end. juror. - Vellun, what would you advise me to do? Coach. A conjuror! What, is he come a woa
Vel. Madam, your ho—nour has two points to ing to my lady? consider. Imprimis, To retrench these extrava But. No, no, you fool; he's come a purpose to gant expences, which bring so many strangers up-lay the spirit. on you-Secondly, To clear the house of this in. Couch. Ay, marry, that's good news indeed.visible drummer.
But where is he? L. Tru. This learned division leaves me just as But. He is locked up with the steward in his wise as I was. But how must we bring these two office. They are laying their heads together very points to bear?
close. I fancy they are casting a figure. Vel. I beseech your ho-nour to give me the Gard. Pr’ythee, John, what sort of a creature hearing.
is a conjuror? L. Tru. I do. But, prythee, take pity on me, But. Why, he's made much as other men are, and be not tedious.
if it was not for his long grey beard. Vel. I will be concise. There is a certain per Couch. Look ye, Peter, it stands with reason son arrived this morning, an aged man, of a ve that a conjuror should have a long grey beard; nerable aspect, and of a long, hoary beard, that for did ye ever know a witch that was not an old reacheth down to his girdle. The common peo woman? ple call him a wizard, a white witch, a conjuror, Gard. Why, I remember a conjuror once at a a cunning man, a necromancer, a
fair, that, to my thinking, was a very smoke-faced L. Trů. No matter for his titles. But what of man, and yet he spewed out fifty yards of green all this?
ferret. I fancy, John, if thou’dst get him into Vel. Give me the hearing, good my lady. He the pantry, and give him a cup of ale, he'd shew pretends to great skill in the occult sciences, and us a few tricks. Dost think we could not peris come hither upon the rumour of this drum. If suade him to swallow one of thy case-knives for one may believe him, he knows the secret of lay- his diversion ? He'll certainly bring it up again. ing ghosts, or of quieting houses that are baunted. But. Peter, thou art such a wiseacre-thou
L. Tru. Pho! these are idle stories, to amuse dost not know the difference between a conjuror the country people :-this can do us no good. and a juggler! This man must be a very great Vel. It can do us no harm, my lady.
master of his trade. His beard is at least half a L. Tru. I dare say thou dost not believe there yard long: he's dressed in a strange dark cloak, is any thing in it thyself.
as black as a coal. Your conjuror always goes in Vel. I cannot say I do: there is no danger, mourning. however, in the experiment. Let him try his Gard. Is be a gentleman ? Had he a sword by skill: if it should succeed, we are rid of the drum; his side ? if it should not, we may tell the world that it has, But. No, no, he's too grave a man for that: a and by that means, at least, get out of this expen- conjuror is as grave as a judge. But he had a long sive way of living; so that it must turn to your white wand in his hand. advantage one way or another.
Couch. You may be sure there's a good deal of L. Tru. I think you argue very rightly. But virtue in that wand-1 fancy 'tis made out of where is the man? I would fain see him. He witch-elm. must be a curiosity.
Gard. I warrant you, if the ghost appears, he'll Vel, I have already discoursed him, and he is whisk ye that wand before his eyes, and strike to be with me in my office half an hour hence. you the drum-stick out of his hand. He asks nothing for his pains till he has done his But. No; the wand, look ye, is to make a cir. work-No cure, no money.
and if he once gets the ghost in a circle, then L. Tru. That circumstance, I must confess, he has him; let him get out again if he can. A would make one believe there is more in his art circle, you must know, is a conjuror's trap. than one would imagine. Pray, Vellum, go and Coach. But what will he do with him when lie fetch him hither immediately.
has him there?
But. Why, then he'll overpower him with his Coach. Well, I wish, after all, that he may not learning.
be too hard for the conjuror. I'm afraid he'll Gard. If he can once compass him, and get find a tough bit of work on't. him in Lob's Pound, he'll make nothing of him, Gard. I wish the spirit may not carry a corner but speak a few hard words to him, and perhaps of the house off' with him. bind him over to his good behaviour for a thou But. As for that, Peter, you may be sure that
the steward has made bis bargain with the cunCoach. Ay, ay, he'll send him packing to his ning-man before hand, that lie shall stand to all grave again, with a flea in his ear, I warrant him. costs and damages. But hark ! yonder's Mrs
But. No, no, I would advise madam to spare Abigail ; we shall have her with us immediately, no cost. If the conjuror be but well paid, he'll if we do not get off. take pains upon the ghost, and lay him, look ye, Gard. Ay, lads, if we could get Mrs Abigail in the Red Sea and then he's laid for ever. well laid too, we should lead merry lives.
Coach. Ay, marry, that would spoil his drum for him.
For, to a man like me, that's stout and bold, Gard. Why, John, there must be a power of A ghost is not so dreadful as a scold. Exeunt. spirits in that same Red Sea- I warrant ye, they are as plenty as fish.
SCENE I—Opens, and discovers Sir GEORGE in ing with her, but we have interchanged some lanVellum's Offce.
Sir Geo. Let thee alone for that, Vellum. I Sir Geo. I wonder I don't hear of Vellum yet. have formerly seen thee ogle her chough thy But I know his wisdom will do nothing rashly. spectacles.- Well, this is a most venerable cloak. This fellow has been so used to form in business, After the business of this day is over, I'll make that it has infected his whole conversation. But thee a present of it: 'twill become thee mightily. I must not find fault with that punctual and ex Vel. He, he, he! Would you make a conjuror act behaviour which has been of so much use to of your steward? me; my estate is the better for it.
Sir Geo. Pr'ythee, don't be jocular: I'min haste.
-Help me on with my beard.
Vel. And what will your honour do with your
Sir Geo. Why, faith, thy gravity wants only Sir Geo. Will your lady admit me?
such a beard to it. If thou wouldst wear it with Vel. If this lock is not mended soon, it will be the cloak, thou wouldst make a most complete quite spoiled.
heathen philosopher.-But where's my wand ? Sir Geo. Pr’ythee, let the lock alone at present, Vel. A fine taper stick-It is well chosen. I and answer me.
will keep this till you are sheriff of the county. Vel. Delays in business are dangerous—I must It is not my custom to let any thing be lost. send for the smith next week, and, in the mean Sir Geo. Come, Vellum, lead the way. You time, will take a minute of it.
must introduce me to your lady. Thou art the Sir Geo. But what says your lady?
fittest fellow in the world to be master of the Vel. This pen is naught, and wants mending, ceremonies to a conjuror.
(Exeunt. My lady, did you say
? Sir Geo. Does she admit me?
Enter ABIGAIL, crossing the stuge, TINSEL JolVel. I have gained admission for you as a con
Tin. Nabby, Nabby, whither so fast, child ? Sir Geo. That's enough-I'll gain admission for Ab. Keep your hands to yourself. I'm going myself
as a husband.-Does she believe there's any to call the steward to my lady. thing in my art ?
Tin. Wbat, Goodman Twofold ? I met him Vel. It is hard to know what a woman believes. walking with a strange old feilow yonder. I upSir Geo. Did she ask no questions about me? pose he belongs to the family too. He looks very
Vel. Sundry - She desires to talk with you antique. He must be some of the furniture of herself, before you enter upon your business. this old mansion house. Sir Geo. But when ?
Ab. What does the man mean? Don't think Vel. Immediately this instant.
to palm me, as you do my lady. Sir Geo. Pugh ! what hast thou been doing all Tin. Pr’ythee, Nabby, cell me one thing this while? Why didst not tell me so ? Give me What's the reason thou art my enemy? my cloak.-Have you yet met with Abigail ? Ab. Marry, because I'm a friend to my lady. Vel. I have not yet had an opportunity of talk
Tin. Dost thou see any thing about me thon VOL, IV.
dost not like?-Come hither, hussy Give me a black art! Ha, ha, ha! Is he not an Oxford schon kiss. Don't be ill natured.
lar?-Widow, thy house is the most extraordiAb. Sir, I know how to be civil. (Kisses her.) narily inhabited of any widow's this day in ChrisThis rogue off my lady, if I don't take tendom. I think thy four chief domestics are, a
Aside. withered Abigail, a superannuated steward, a Tin. Thy lips are as soft as velvet, Abigail. I ghost, and a conjuror. must get thee a husband.
L. Tru. (Mimicking TINSEL.) And you would Ab. Ay, now you don't speak idly-I can talk have it inhabited by a fifth, who is a more extra
any of all these four. Tin. I have one in my eye for thee.-Dost thou Tin. "T'is a sure sign a woman loves you, when love a young lusty son of a whore?
she imitates your manner. [ Aside.) Thou’rt very Ab. Lud, how you talk !
smart, my dear. But see, smoke the doctor. Tin. This is a thundering dog. Ab. What is he?
Enter VELLUM, and Sir GEORGE, in his Conjuror's Tin. A private gentleman.
Habit. Ab. Ay!-Where does he live?
Vel. I will introduce this profound person to Tin. In the Horse-Guards.-But he has one your ladyship, and then leave him with you. fault I must tell thee of; if thou canst bear with Sir, this is her ho-nour. that, he's a man for thy purpose.
Sir Geo. I know it well. (Exit VEL Ab. Pray, Mr Tinsel, what may that be? (Aside, walking in a musing posture.] That dear Tin. He's but five-and-twenty years old. woman! the sight of her unmans me. I could
Ab. 'Tis no matter for his age, if he has been weep for tenderness, did not I, at the same time, well educated.
feel an indignation rise in me to see that wretch Tin. No man better, child:-He'll tie a wig, with her: Ănd yet I cannot but smile to see her toss a die, make a pass, and swear with such a in the company of her first and second husband grace, as would make thy heart leap to hear him. at the same time.
Ab. Half these accomplishments will do, pro L. Tru. Mr Tinsel, do you speak to him: you vided he has an estate. -Pray, what has he? are used to the company of men of learning. Tin. Not a farthing.
Tin. Old gentleman, thou dost not look like Ab. Pox on him ! -What do I give him the an inhabitant of this world ; I suppose thou art hearing for
(Aside. lately come down from the stars. Pray, what Tin. But as for that, I would make it up to news is stirring in the Zodiac? him.
Sir Geo. News that ought to make the heart Ab, How?
of a coward tremble.-Mars is now entering inTin. Why, look ye, child, as soon as I have to the first house, and will shortly appear in all married thy lady, I design to discard this old prig his domal dignities. of a steward, and to put this honest gentleman I Tin. Mars!-Pr’ythee, Father Grey-beard, exam speaking of into his place.
plain thyself. Ab. (Aside.) This fellow's a fool—I'll have Sir Geo. The entrance of Mars into his house no more to say to him.-Hark! my lady's a portends the entrance of a master into this famicoming.
ly--and that soon. Tin. Depend upon it, Nab, I'll remember my Tin. D'ye hear that, widow? The stars have promise.
cut me out for thy husband. This house is to Ab. Ay, and so will I too, to your cost. have a master, and that soon...Hark thee, old
[å side. Erit AB. Gadbury? Is not Mars very like a young fellow Tin. My dear is purely fitted up with a maid called Tom Tinsel ? But I shall rid the house of her.
Sir Geo. Not so much as Venus is like this lady.
Tin. A word in your ear, doctor:--These two Enter Lady TRUMAN.
planets will be in conjunction by and by; I can L. Tru. Oh, Mr Tinsel, I am glad to meet you tell
that. here. I am going to give you an entertainment Sir Geo. Aside, walking disturbed.) Curse on that won't be disagreeable to a man of wit and this impertinent fop! I shall scarce forbear displeasure of the town.—There may be some covering myself.—Madam, I am told that your thing diverting in a conversation between a con house is visited with strange noises. juror and this conceited ass.
L. Tru. And I am told that you can quiet Tin. She loves me to distraction, I see that. them. I must confess I had a curiosity to see Aside.)-Prythee, widow, explain thyself. the person I had heard so much of; and indeed
L. Tru. You must know, here is a strange your aspect shews that you have had much er. sort of a man come to town, who undertakes to perience in the world. You must be a very aged free the house from this disturbance. The stew- man. ard believes him a conjuror.
Sir Geo. My aspect deceives you :-What do Tin. Ay, thy steward is a deep one.
you think is my real age ? L. Tru. He's to be here immediately. It is in Tin. I should guess thee within three years of deed an odd figure of a man.
Methusalah. Pr'ythee, tell me, wast not thou born Tin. Oh, I warrant you, he has studied the before the flood?
L. Tru. Truly, I should guess you to be in Sir Geo. Courage is but ill shown before a lady. your second or third century. I'warrant you, But know, if ever I meet thee again, thou shalt you have great-grandchildren with beards a foot find this arm can wield other weapons besides long.
this wand. Sir Geo. Ha, ha, ha! If there be truth in man, Tin. Ha, ha, ha! I was but five-and-thirty last August. Oh, the L. Tru. Well, learned sir, you are to give a study of the occult sciences makes a man's beard proof of your art, not of your courage ; or if you grow faster than you would imagine.
will shew your courage, let it be at nine o'clock; L. Tru. What an escape you have had, Mr for that is the time the noise is generally heard. Tinsel, that you were not bred a scholar.
Tin. And look ye, old gentleman, if thou dost Tin. And so I fancy, doctor, thou thinkest me not do thy business well, I can tell thee, by the an illiterate fellow, because I have a smooth chin? little skill I have, that thou wilt be tossed in a Sir Geo. Hark ye, sir, a word in your ear.
1:- blanket before ten. We'll do our endeavour to You are a coxcomb, by all the rules of physiog- send thee back to the stars again. Romy: but let that be a secret between you and Sir Geo. I'll go and prepare myself for the cere
[Aside to TINSEL. monies —And, lady, as you expect they should L. Tru. Pray, Mr Tinsel, what is it the doctor succeed to your wishes, treat that fellow with the whispers ?
contempt he deserves.
[Exit Sir George. Tin. Only a compliment, child, upon two or Tin. The sauciest dog I ever talked with in my three of my features. It does not become me
whole life ! to repeat it.
L. Tru. Methinks he's a diverting fellow: one L. Tru. Pray, doctor, examine this gentleman's may see he's no fool. face, and tell me his fortune.
Tin. No fool! Ay, but thou dost not take him Sir Geo. If I may believe the lines of his face, for a conjuror. he likes it better than I do, or-than you do, fair L. Tru. Truly, I don't know what to take him lady.
for: I am resolved to employ him however. When Tin. Widow, I hope now thou’rt convinced he's a sickness is desperate, we often try remedies a cheat.
that we have no great faith in. L. Tru. For my part, I believe he's a witch. Go on, doctor.
Enter ABIGAIL. Sir Geo. He will be crossed in love, and that Ab. Madam, the tea is ready in the parlour, as
Tin. Pr’ythee, doctor, tell us the truth.--Dost L. Tru. Come, Mr Tinsel, we may there talk not thou live in Moorfields?
of the subject more at leisure. Sir Geo. Take my word for it, thou shalt never
[Ereunt L. TRU. and Tin. live in my lady Truman's mansion-house.
Ab. Sure never any lady had such servants as Tin. Pray,old gentleman, hast thou never been mine has ! Well, if I get this thousand pounds, plucked by the beard when thou wert saucy? I hope to have some of my own. Let me see,
L. Tru. Nay, Mr Tinsel, you are angry :-Do I'll have a pretty tight girl—just such as I was you think I would marry a man that dares not ten years ago, (I'm afraid I may say twenty:) she have his fortune told?
shall dress me and flatter me-for I will be fatSir Geo. Let him be angry-I matter not. tered, that's pos! My lady's cast suits will serve He is but short-lived: He will soon die of her after I have given them the wearing. Be
Tin. Come, come, speak out, old Hocus; he, sides, when I am worth a thousand pounds, I he, he! This fellow makes me burst with laugh- shall certainly carry off the steward Madam ing
(Forces a laugh. Vellum-how pretiily that will sound !-Here, Sir Geo. He will soon die of a fright-or of the bring out Madam Vellum's chaise-Nay, I do -Let me see your nose -Ay-'tis so. not know but it may be a chariot-It will break
Tin. You son of a whore! I'll run ye through the attorney's wife's heart—for I shall take place the body, I never yet made the sun shine through of every body in the parish but my lady. 'If I a conjuror.
have a son, he shall be called Fantome. But L. Tru. Oh fie, Mr Tinsel ! you will not kill seem-Mr Vellum, as I could wish. I know his hulan old man ?
mour, and will do my utmost to gain his heart. Tin. An old man! The dog says he's but fiveand-thirty
Enter VELLUM, with a Pint of Sack. L. Trů. Oh fie, Mr Tinsel, I did not think you Vel. Mrs Abigail, don't I break in upon you could have been so passionate: I hate a passion- unseasonably? ate man.
Put up your sword, or I must never Ab. Oh no, Mr Vellum, your visits are always see you again.
seasonable. T'in. Ha, ha, ha! I was but in jest, my dear. Vel. I have brought with me a taste of fresh I had a mind to have made an experiment upon Canary, which I think is delicious. the doctor's body. I would but have drilled a Ab. Pray set it down- have a dram-glass little eye-let hole in it, and have seen whether just by-(brings in a rummer.] l'll pledge you he had art enough to close it up again.
to my lady's good health,
Vel. And your own with it-sweet Mrs Abi Ab. You're so full of your jokes.-Ay, but gail.
where must I find one for it! Ab. Pray, good Mr Vellum, buy me a little par Vel. I design this thimble only as the foreruncel of this sack, and put it under the article of ner of it: they will set off each other, and are-in
- I would not have my name appear to it. deed a twofold emblem. The first will put you Vel. Mrs Abigail, your name seldom appears in mind of being a good housewife, and the other in my bills—and yet-if you will allow me a of being a good wife. Ha, ha, ha! merry expression-you have been always in my Ab. Yes, yes, I see you laugh at me. books, Mis Abigail. Ha, ha, ha!
Vel. Indeed I am serious. Ab. Ha, ha, ha! Mr Vellum, you are such a Ab. I thought you had quite forsaken me~ I am dry jestiny man!
sure you cannot forget the many repeated vows Vei. Why, truly, Mrs Abigail, I have been look and promises you formerly made me. ing over my papers-and I find you have been a Vel. I should as soon forget the multiplication long time my debtor.
table. Ab. Your debtor! For what, Mr Vellum? Ab. I have always taken your part before my
Vel. For my heart, Mrs Abigail-And our ac lady. counts will not be balanced between us till I have Vel. You have so, and I have itemed it in my yours in exchange for it. Ha, ha, ha!
memory. Ab Ha, ha ha! You are the most gallant dun, Ab. Før I have always looked upon your inteMr Vellum.
rest as my own. Vel. But I am not used to be paid by words Vel. It is nothing but your cruelty can hinder only, Mrs Abigail.—When will you be out of my them from being so. debt ?
Ab. I must strike while the iron's hot. (Aside.] .1b. Oh, Vir Vellum, you make one blush---Well
, Mr Vellum, there is no refusing you, you My humble service to you
have such a bewitching tongue ! Ver. I must answer you, Mrs Abigail, in the Vel. How? Speak that again! country phrase,-Your love is sufficient. Ha, ha, Ab. Why then, in plain English, I love you ha!
Vel. I am overjoyed !
Vel. I'm transported !
(Catching her in his arms. since I first broke my mind to you— It was, I Ab. Dear, charming man! think undecimo Gunelm.-We have conversed Vel. I hou sum total of all my happiness ! I together these fifteen years and yet, Mrs Abi- shall grow extravagant! I cann't forbear-to drink gail, I must drink to our better acquaintance. He, thy virtuous inclinations in a bumper of sack.he, he ! - Mrs Abigail, you know I am naturally Your lady must make haste, my duck, or we shall jocose.
provide a young steward to the estate, before she Ab. Ah! you men love to make sport with us has an heir to it.-Pr’ythee, my dear, does she insilly creatures.
tend to marry Mr Tinsel? Vet. Mrs Abigail, I have a trifle about me, which Ab. Marry him, my love ! No, no; we must I would willingly make you a present of. It is in take care of that! there would be no staying in deed but a little toy.
the house for us if she did. That young rakeAb. You are always exceedingly obliging. hell would send all the old servants a-grazing. You
Vel. It is but a little toy--scarce worth your and I should be discarded before the honey-moon acceptance.
was at an end. db. Pray don't keep me in suspence :—What is Vet. Pr’ythee, sweet one, does not this drum it, Mr Pellum
put the thoughts of marriage out of her head? V.1. A silver thimble.
Ab. This drum, my dear, if it be well manaAb. I always said Mr Vellum was a generous ged, will be no less than a thousand pounds in our lover.
way. Vel. But I must put it on myself, Mrs Abigail Vel. Ay, say'st thou so, my turtle? - You have the prettiest tip of a finger-I must Ab. Since we are now as good as man and wife take the frecdom to salute it.
- mean, almost as good as man and wife Ab. Ob fie! you make me ashamed, Mr Vel. I ought to conceal nothing from you. lum: How can you do so? I protest I am in such Vel. Certainly, my dovė, not from thy yoke-fela confusion
(A fegned struggle. low, thy help-mate, thy own flesh and blood! Vel. i bis finger is not the finger of idleness; Ab. Hush! I hear Mr Tinsel's laugh: my lady it bears the honourable scars of the needle—But and he are a-coming this way.—If you will take why are you so cruel as not to pair your nails? a turn without, I'll tell you the whole contri
ab. Oh, I vow you press it so hard ! Pray give me my finger ayam.
Vel. Give me your hand, chicken. Vei. This middle finger, Mrs Abigail, has a Ab. Here, take it; you have my heart already. pretty neighbor-A wedding ring would become Vel. We shall have much issue. [Exeunt. it mightily-He, he, he !