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ACT IV.

But. Does he intend to sup in his slough? SCENE I.

Vel. That time will shew.

But. Well, I have not a head for these things. Enter VELLUM and Butler.

Indeed, Mr Vellum, I have not understood one Vel. Jobn, I have certain orders to give you word you have said this half bour. -and therefore be attentive.

Vel. I did not intend thou shouldst.-But to But. Attentive! Ay, let me alone for that.—1 our business.—Let there be a table spreasi in the suppose he means being sober.

[ Aside. great hall. L't your pots and glasses be washed, Vel. You know I have always recommended to and in a read, ess. Bid the cook provide a plenyou a method in your busines: I would have your tiful supper; and see that all the servants are in knives and forks, your spoons and napkins, your their best liveries. plate and glasses, laid in a method.

But. Ay, now I understand every word you But. Ay, Master Vellum ! you are such a say. But I would rather bear you talk a little in sweet-spoken man, it does one's heart good to that t'other way. receive your orders.

Vel I shall explain to thee what I have said by Vel. Method, John, makes business easy: it ba- and by:-Bid Susan lay two pillows upon your lanishes all perplexity and confusion out of families. dy's bed.

But. How he talks! I could hear him all day But Two pillows! Madam won't sleep upon Vel. And now, John, let me know whether your them both! She is not a double woman too? table-linen, your side-board, your cellar, and every Vel. She will sleep upon neither. But hark, thing else within your province, are properly and Mrs Abigail; I think I hear ber chiding the cookmethodically disposed for an entertainment this maid. evening.

But. Then I'll away, or it will be my turn next: But. Master Vellum, they shall be ready at a-She, I am sure, speaks plain English: one may quarter of an hour's warning. But pray, sir, is easily understand every word she says. this entertainment to be made for the conjuror ?

(Exit Butler. Vel. It is, John, for the conjuror, and yet it is Vel. Servants are good for nothing, unless they not for the conjuror.

have an opinion of the person's understanding But. Why, look you, Master Vellum, if it is for who has the direction of them.—But see, Mrs the conjuror, the cook-maid should have orders Abigail ! she has a bewitching countenance : ! to get him some dishes to his palate. Perhaps wish I may not be tempted to marry her in good he may like a little brimstone in his sauce.

Vel. This conjuror, John, is a complicated creature, an amphibious animal, a person of a twofold

Enter ABIGAIL. nature-But he eats and drinks like other men. Ab. Ha ! Mr Vellum.

But. Marry, Master Vellum, he should eat and Vel. What brings my sweet one hither? drink as much as two other men, by the account Ab. I am coming to speak to my friend behind you give of him.

the wainscot. It is fit, child, he should have an Vel. Thy conceit is not amiss: he is indeed a account of this conjuror, that he may not be surdouble man; ha, ha, ha!

prised. But. Ha ! I understand you ; he's one of your Vel. That would be as much as thy thousand bermaphrodites, as they call them.

pounds is worth. Vel. He is married, and he is not married Ab. I'll speak low-Walls have ears. He hath a beard, and he hath no beard-He is

[Pointing at the wainscot. old, and he is young:

Vel. But hark you, duckling! be sure you do But. How charmingly he talks ! I fancy, Mas- not tell him that I am let into the secret. ter Vellum, you could make a riddle. The same Ab. That's a good one indeed! as if I should man old and young ! How do you make that out, ever tell what passes between you and me. Master Vellum?

Vel. No, no, my child, that must not be! he, Vel. Thou hast heard of a snake casting his he, he! that must not be; he, he, he ! skin, and recovering his youth. Such is this sage Ab. You will always be waggish. person.

Vel. Adieu, and let me hear the result of your But. Nay, 'tis po wonder a conjuror should be conference. like a serpent.

ib. How can you leave one so soon? I shall Vel. When he has thrown aside the old con think it an age till I see you again. juror's slough that hangs about him, he'licome out Vel. Adieu, my pretty one! as fine a young gentleman as ever was seen in Ab. Adieu, sweet Mr Vellum ! this house,

Vel. My pretty one ! LAs he is going of:

earnest.

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your hole.

Ab. Dear Mr Vellum!

Ab. That's very well. Vel. My pretty one!

[Exit. Fan. How long must I be condemned to lanAb. I have him-If I can but get this thousand guish? When shall my sufferings have an end? pounds.

My life, my happiness, my all is wound up in [FANT. gives three raps upon his drum behind you. the wainscot.

Ab. Well, why don't you squeeze my hand ? Ab. Ha! Three raps upon the drum ! the sig,

Fan. What ! thus ? nal Mr Fantome and I agreed upon, when he had Ab. Thus. Ay.-Now throw your arm about a mind to speak with me. [Fantome raps again. my middle: hug me closer. You are not afraid Very well , I hear you. Come, fox, come out of of hurting me ! Now pour forth a volley of rap

ture and nonsense, till you are out of breath.

Fan. Transport and ecstacy! Where am I?-SCENE II—Opens, and FANTOME comes out. My life, my bliss !-1 rage, I burn, I bleed, I die!

Ab. Go on, go on. Ab. You may leave your drum in the wardrobe, Fan. Flames and darts—Bear me to the gloomy till you have occasion for it.

shade, rocks, and grottos-flowers, zephyrs, and Fan. Well, Mrs Abigail, I want to hear what's purling streams. doing in the world.

Ab. Oh, Mr Fantome, you have a tongue would Ab. You are a very inquisitive spirit. But I undo a vestal ! You were born for the ruin of our must tell you, if you do not take care of yourself, sex. you will be laid this evening.

Fan. This will do then, Abigail ? Fan. I have overheard something of that mat Ab. Ay, this is talking like a lover ; though I ter. But let me alone for the doctor-I'll en- only represent my lady, I take pleasure in hearing gage to give a good account of him. I am more you. Well, o' my conscience, when a man of in pain about Tinsel. When a lady's in the case, sense has a little dash of the coxcomb in him, no I'm more afraid of one fop than twenty conjurors. woman can resist him. Go on at this rate, and

Ab. To tell you truly, he presses his attacks the thousand pounds is as good as in my pocket. with so much impudence, that he has made more Fan. I shall think it an age till I have an opprogress with my lady in two days than you did portunity of putting this lesson in practice. in two months.

Ab. You may do it soon, if you make good Fan. I shall attack her in another manner, if use of your time. Mr Tinsel will be here with thou canst but procure me another interview.- my lady at eight, and at nine the conjuror is to There's nothing makes a lover so keen as being take you in hand. kept up in the dark,

Fan. Let me alone with both of them. Ab. Pray, no more of your distant bows, your Ab. Well! forewarn’d, fore-arm’d. Get inrespectful compliments --Really, Mr Fantome, to your box, and I'll endeavour to dispose every you're only fit to make love across a tea-table. thing in

your

favour. Fan. My dear girl, I cann't forbear hugging

[FANTOME goes in. Exit A BIGAIL. thee for thy good advice.

Enter VELLUM. Ab. Ay, now I have some hopes of you ; but why don't you do so to my lady?

Vel, Mrs Abigail is withdrawn— I was in hopes Fan. Child, I always thought your lady loved to have heard what passed between her and her to be treated with respect.

invisible correspondent. Ab. Believe me, Mr Fantome, there is not so great a difference between woman and woman ås

Enter TINSEL. you imagine. You see Tinsel has nothing but Tin. Vellum ! Vellum ! his sauciness to recommend him.

Vel. [Aside.] Vellum! Wearc, methinks, very Fun. Tinsel is too great a coxcomb to be ca- familiar ! I am not used to be called so by any pable of love-And let me tell thee, Abigail, a but their ho—nours. What would you, Mr man who is sincere in his passion makes but a Tinsel ? very awkward profession of it -But I'll mend Tin. Let me beg a favour of thee, old gentle my manners.

Ab. Ay, or you'll never gain a widow-Come, Vel. What is that, good sir? I must tutor you a little.-Suppose me to be my Tin. Pr’ythee run and fetch me the rent-roll of lady, and let me see how you'll behave yourself

. thy lady's estate. Fan. I'm afraid, child, we ha'n't time for such Vel. The rent-roll ! a piece of mummery.

Tin. The rent-roll ! Ay, the rent-roll! Dost Ab. Oh, it will be quickly over, if you play not understand what that means?

Vel. Why, have you thoughts of purchasing of Fun. Why, then, dear Mrs Ab I mean, my it? lady Truman.

Tin. Thou hast hit it, old boy! That is my very Ab. Ay, but you ha'n't saluted me.

intention. Fan. That's right : faith, I forgot that circum Vel. The purchase will be considerable. stance. (Kisses her.) Nectar and ambrosia ! Tin. And for that reason I have bid thy lady

man,

your part well.

you live in ?

1

very high-She is to have no less for it than this L. Tru. Truly they generally come to a bad entire person of mine.

end. I remember the conjuror told you you were
Jeh Is your whole estate personal, Mr Tinsel short-liv’d.
-he, he, he !

Tin. The conjuror! Ha, ha, ha!
Tin. Why, you queer old dog, you don't pre L. Tru. Indeed, you're very witty!
tend to jest, d'ye ? Look ye, Vellum, if you think Tin. Indeed you're very handsome!
of being continued my steward, you must learn

{Kisses her hand. to walk with your toes out.

L. Tru. I wish the fool does not love me. Vel. (Aside.) An insolent companion !

(Aside. Tin. Thou’rt confounded rich, I see, by that Tin. Thou art the idol I adore : here must I dangling of thy arms.

pay my devotion.—-Prythee, widow, hast thou Vel. Aside.] An ungracious bird !

any timber upon thy estate? Tin. Thou shalt lend me a couple of thousand L. Tru. The most impudent fellow I ever met pounds.

with.

Aside. Vel. (Aside.) A very profligate!

Tin. I take notice thou hast a great deal of old Tin. Look ye, Vellum, I intend to be kind to plate here in the house, widow. you-_I'll borrow some money of you.

L. Tru. Mr. Tinsel, you are a very observing Vel. I cannot but smile to consider the disap- man. pointment this young fellow will meet with :'I Tin. Thy large silver cistern would make a will make myaelf merry with him. [Aside.]—And very good coach, and half a dozen salvers, that I so, Mr Tinsel, you promise you will be a very saw on the sideboard, might be turned into six as kind master to me.

(Stifling a laugh. pretty horses as any that appear in the ring. Tin. What will you give for a life in the house L. Tru. You have a very good fancy, Mr Tin

sel.-What pretty transformations you could Vel. What do you think of five hundred pounds? make in my house.

-But I'll see where 'twill -Ha, ha, ha!

end.

(Aside. Tin. That's too little.

Tin. Then I observe, child, you have two or Vel. And yet it is more than I shall give you— three services of gilt plate:We'd eat always in And I will offer you two reasons for it.

china, my dear. Tin. Prythee, what are they?

L. Trú. I perceive you are an excellent manaVel. First, because the tenement is not in your ger–How quickly you have taken an inventory disposal; and, secondly, because it never will be of my goods. in your disposal ; and so fare thee well, good Mr Tin. Now, hark ye, widow, to shew you the Tinsel. Ha, ha, ha! You will pardon me for love that I have for youbeing jocular.

(Exit VELLUM. L. Tru. Very well, let me hear. Tin. This rogue is as saucy as the conjuror : I'll Tin. You have an old-fashioned gold caudlebe hanged if they are not a-kin.

cup, with a figure of a saint upon the lid on't.

Ľ. Tru. I have :-What then?
Enter Lady TRUMAN.

Tin. Why, look ye, I'd sell the caudle-cup with L. Tru. Mr Tinsel ! What! all alone? You the old saint, for as much money as they'd fetch, free-thinkers are great admirers of solitude. which I would convert into a diamond buckle,

Tir. No, faith, I have been talking with thy and make you a present of it. steward, a very grotesque figure of a fellow, the L. Tru. Oh, you are generous to an extravaFery picture of one of our benchers. How can

pray,

Mr Tinsel, don't dispose of my you bear his conversation ?

goods before you are sure of my person. I find L. Tru. I keep him for my steward, and not you have taken a great affection to my moveables. my companion : He's a sober man.

Tin. My dear, I love every thing that belongs Tin. Yes, yes, he looks like a put; a queer old to you. dog, as ever I saw in my life: We must turn him L. Tru. I see you do, sir : you need not make off, widow. He cheats thee confoundedly, I see any protestations upon that subject. that.

Tin. Pho, pho! my dear, we are growing seriL. Tru. Indeed you're mistaken : he has al- ous, and, let me tell you, that's the very next step ways had the reputation of being a very honest to being dull. Come, that pretty face was never

made to look

grave

with. Tin. What ! I suppose he goes to church. L. Tru. Believe me, sir, whatever you think,

L. Tru. Goes to church! So do you too, I marriage is a serious subject. kope.

Tin. For that very reason, my dear, let us run Tin. I would for once, widow, to make sure of over it as fast as we can. you.

L. Tru. I should be very much in haste for a L. Tru. Ah, Mr Tinsel ! a husband who would husband, if I married within fourteen months after not continue to go thither would quickly forget Sir George's decease. the promises he made there.

Tin. Pray, my dear, let me ask you a quesTin. Faith, very innocent, and very ridiculous ! tion :-Dost not thou think that Sir George is as Well then, I warrant thee, widow, thou wouldst dead at present, to all intents and purposes, as be not for the world marry a Sabbath-breaker! will be a twelvemonth hence ?

gance. But

man.

L. Tru. Yes; but decency, Mr Tinsel of tea but just now - There is no such thing, I

Tin. Or dost thou think thou'lt be more a wi give thee my word. dow then than thou art now?

L. Tru. Oh, Mr Tinsel, your authority must be L. Tru. The world would say I never loved of great weight to those that know you. my first husband.

Tin. For my part, child, I have made myself Tin, Ah, my dear, they would say you loved easy in those points. your second; and they would own I deserved it; L. Tru. Sure nothing was ever like this felfor I shall love thee most inordinately,

low's vanity but his ignorance.

(Aside. L. Tru. But what would people think?

Tin. I'll tell thee what, now, widow-I would Tin. Think ! Why, they would think thee the engage, by the help of a white sheet, and a penmirror of widowhood - That a woman should nyworth of link, in a dark night, to frighten you a live fourteen whole months, after the decease of whole country village out of their senses, and the her spouse, without having engaged herself. Why, vicar into the bargain. (Drum beats.] Hark! hark ! abont town, we know many a woman of quality's what noise is that? Heaven defend us! This is second husband several years before the death of more than fancy. the first.

L. Tru. It beats more terrible than ever. L. Tru. Ay, I know you wits have your com Tin. 'Tis very dreadful !-What a dog bave ! mon-place jests upon us poor widows.

been, to speak against my conscience only co shew Tin. I'll tell you a story, widow :-I know a

my parts ? certain lady, who, considering the craziness of L. Tru. It comes nearer and narer. I wish her husband, had, in case of mortality, engaged you have not angered it, by your foolish discourse. herself to two young fellows of my acquaintance. Tin. Indeed, madam, I did not speak from my They grew such desperate rivals for her, while heart. I hope it will do ne no hurt for a little her husband was alive, that one of them pinked harmless raillery. the other in a duel. But the good lady was no L. Tru. Harmless, d'ye call it?-It beats hard sooner a widow, but what did my dowager do? by us, as if it would break through the wall. Why, faith, being a woman of honour, she mar Tin. What a devil had I to do with a white ried a third, to whom, it seems, she had given sheet?—[Scene opens, and discovers FANTOME.) her first promise.

Mercy on us, it appears ! L. Tru. And is this a true story, upon your L. Tru. Oh, 'tis he! 'tis he himself! 'tis Sir own knowledge ?

George ! 'tis my husband !

[She faints. Tin. Every tittle, as I hope to be married, or Tin. Now would I give ten thousand pounds never believe Tom Tinsel.

that I were in town. [FANTOME advances to him L. Tru. Pray, Mr Tinsel, do you call this talk drumming.] I beg ten thousand pardons : PII ing like a wit, or like a rake?

never talk at this rate any more. (FANTOME still Tin. Innocent enough! He, he, he! Why, advances drumming.) By my soul, Sir George, I where's the difference, my

dear?

was not in earnest. (Falls on his knees.] Have L. Tru. Yes, Mr Tinsel, the only man I ever compassion on my youth, and consider I am but loved in my life had a great deal of the one, and a coxcomb. (FANTOME points to the door.] But nothing of the other in him.

see, he waves me off-Ay, with all my heartTin. Nay, now you grow vapourish: thou'lt What a devil had I to do with a white sheet? begin to fancy thou hearest the drum by and by. [He steals off the stage, mending his pace as the

L. Tru. If you had been here last night about drum beats. this time, you would not bave been so merry.. Fun. The scoundrel is gone, and has left his

Tin. About this time, say'st thou? Come, faith, mistress behind him. I'm mistaken if he makes for humour's sake, we'll sit down and listen. love in this house any more I have now only

L. Tru. I will, if you'll promise to be serious. the conjuror to deal with. I don't question but

Tün. Serious ! Never fear me, child; ha, ha, I shall make his reverence scamper as fast as the ha!-Dost not hear him?

lover, and then the day's my own. But the serL. Tru. You break your word already.—Pray, vants are coming : I must get into my cupboard. Mr Tinsel, do you laugh to shew your wit or

(He goes in. Tin. Why, both, my dear.- I'm glad, however,

Enter ABIGAIL and Servants. that she has taken notice of my teeth. [Aside.] Ab. Oh, my poor lady! This wicked drum has But you look serious, child: I fancy thou hearest frighted Mr Tinsel out of his wits, and my lady the drum-dost not?

into a swoon. Let me bend her a little forward L. Tru. Don't talk so rashly.

-She revives. Here, carry her into the fresh Tin. Why, my dear, you could not look more air, and she'll recover. [They carry her off.] This frighted if you had Lucifer's drum-major in your is a little barbarous to my lady; but ’tis all for house.

her good: and I know her so well, that she would L. Tru. Mr Tinsel, I must desire to see you not be angry with me, if she knew what I was to no more in it, if you do not leave this idle way of get by it. And if any of her friends should blame talking.

me for it hereafter, Tin. Child, I thought I had told you what is I'll clap my hand upon my purse, and tell 'em, my opinion of spirits, as we were drinking a dish 'Twas for a thousand pounds, and Mr Vellum.

(Exit.

your tecth?

ACT V.

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SCENE I.

ret him out of that old wall in the next room

Sir Geo. We shall try.
Enter Sir GEORGE, in his Conjuror's Habit ; the
Butler marching before him, with two large let fly all his learning at that old wall.

Gard. That's right, John. His worship must
Candles, and the two Servants coming after

But. Sir, if I was worthy to advise you, I would him, one bringing a little Table, and another a

have a bottle of good October by me. Chair.

Shall I

set a cup of old stingo at your elbow? But. An't please your worship, Mr Conjuror, Sir Geo. I thank thee-we shall do without it. the steward has given all of us orders to do what Gard. John, he seems a very good-natured man soever you shall bid us, and to pay you the same

for a conjuror. respect as if you were our master.

But. I'll take this opportunity of enquiring after Sir Geo. Thou say'st well.

a bit of plate I have lost. I fancy, whilst he is in Gord. An't please your conjurorship’s worship, my lady's pay, one may hedge in a question or shall I set the table down here?

two into the bargain.-Sir, sir, may I beg a word Sir Geo. Here, Peter.

in your ear. Gard. Peter !-He knows my name by his Sir Geo. What wouldst thou ? learning.

[ Aside. But, Sir, I know I need not tell you that I lost Coach. I have brought you, reverend sir, the one of my silver spoons last week. largest elbow-chair in the house : 'tis that the Sir Geo. Marked with a swan's neck. steward sits in when he holds a court.

But. My lady's crest! He knows every thing. Sir Geo. Place it there.

(Aside.)---How would your worship advise me But. Sir, will you please to want any thing to recover it again? else?

Sir Geo. Hum.
Sir Geo. Paper, and pen, and ink.

But. What must I do to come at it? But. Sir, I believe we have paper that is fit for Sir Geo. Drink nothing but small-beer for a your purpose-my lady's mourning paper, that is fortnight. blacked at the edges. Would you choose to write But. Small-beer! Rot-gut ! with a crow-quill?

Sir Geo. If thou drink'st a single drop of ale Sir Geo. There is none better.

before fifteen days are expired it is as much But. Coachman, go fetch the paper and stan as thy spoon is worth. dish out of the little parlour.

But. I shall never recover it in that wayCouch. [To Gard.] Peter, pr’ythee, do thou I'll e’en buy a new one.

Aside go along with me,I'm afraid -You know I Coach. D’ye mind how they whisper? went with you last night into the garden, when Gard. I'll be hanged if he be not asking him the cook-maid wanted a handful of parsley, something about Nell.

But. Why, you don't think I'll stay with the Coach. I'll take this opportunity of putting a conjuror by myself?

question to him about poor Dobbin. I fancy he Gard. Come, we'll all three go and fetch the could give me better counsel than the farrier. pen and ink together. [Ereunt Servants. But. (To Gurd.] A prodigious man ! he knows Sir Geo. There's nothing, I see, makes such

every thing.

Now is the time to find out thy strong alliances as fear. These fellows are all pick-axe. entered into a confederacy against the ghost. Gard. I have nothing to give him.

Does not There must be abundance of business done in the he expect to have his hand cross'd with silver ? family at this rate. But here comes the triple Coach. (To Sir Geo.] Sir, may a man venture alliance. Who could have thought these three to ask you a question? rogues could have found each of them an employ Sir Geo. Ask it. ment in fetching a pen and ink!

Coach. I have a poor horse in the stable that's

bewitched. Enter Gardener with a sheet of Paper, Coachman

Sir Geo. A bay gelding. with a Standish, and Butler with a Pen.

Coach, How could he know that? (Aside.
Gard. Sir, there is your paper.

Sir Geo. Bought at Banbury.
Coach. Sir, there is your standish.

Coach. Whew!-So it was, on my conscience.
But. Sir, there is your crow-quill pen -I'm

[Whistles. glad I have got rid on't.

[Aside. Sir Geo. Six years old, last Lammas. Gard. (Aside.) He forgets that he's to make a Coach. To a day. (Aside.] Now, sir, I would circle-Doctor, shall I help you to a bit of know whether the poor beast is bewitched by chalk?

Goody Crouch, or Goody Fly?
Sir Geo. It is no matter,

Sir Geo. Neither. But. Look ye, sir, I shewed you the spot where Coach. Then it must be Goody Gurton ; for she he's heard oftenest. If your worship can but fer is the next oldest woman in the parish,

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