Gard. I would desire to know whether I am really father to them both? Sir Geo. Stand before me; let me survey thee round. [Lays his wand upon his head, and makes him turn about. Coach. Look yonder, John, the silly dog is turning about under the conjuror's wand. If he has been saucy to him, we shall see him puffed off in a whirlwind immediately. Sir Geo. Twins, dost thou say ? [Still turning him. Gard. Ay: are they both mine, d'ye think? Sir Geo. Own but one of them. Gard. Ay, but Mrs Abigail will have me take care of them both- -she's always for the butler. If my poor master, Sir George, had been alive, he would have made him go halves with me. Sir Geo. What, was Sir George a kind master? Gard. Was he! Ay, my fellow-servants will bear me witness. Sir Geo. Did you love Sir George? man. I must take the advantage of my disguise, to be thoroughly satisfied. It would neither be for her happiness nor mine, to make myself known to her till I am so. [Aside.] Dear Vellum, I am impatient to hear some news of my wife. How does she, after her fright? Vel. It is a saying somewhere in my lord Coke, that a widow Sir Geo. I ask of my wife, and thou talk'st to me of my lord Coke-Pr'ythee, tell me how she does; for I am in pain for her. Vel. She is pretty well recovered. Mrs Abi gail has put her in good heart, and I have given her great hopes from your skill. Sir Geo. That, I think, cannot fail, since thou hast got this secret out of Abigail. But I could not have thought my friend Fantome would have served me thus. Vel. You will still fancy you are a living man. Sir Geo. That he should endeavour to ensnare my wife. Vel. You have no right in her after your de mise. Death extinguishes all property-Quoad hanc-It is a maxim in the law Sir Geo. A pox on your learning !—Well, but what is become of Tinsel ? Vel. He rushed out of the house, called for his horse, clapped spurs to his sides, and was out of sight in less time than I can tell ten. Sir Geo. This is whimsical enough. My wife will have a quick succession of lovers in one day. Fantome has driven out Tinsel, and I shall drive out Fantome. Vel. Even as one wedge driveth out anotherHe, he, he! You must pardon me for being jocu lar. Sir Geo. Was there ever such a provoking blockhead? But he means me well-Well, Ĭ must have satisfaction of this traitor, Fantome, and cannot take a more proper one, than by turning him out of my house, in a manner that shall throw shame upon him, and make him ridiculous as long as he lives.-You must remember, Vellum, you have abundance of business upon your hands, and I have but just time to tell it you over. All I require of you is dispatch; therefore Coach. There was not a dry eye in the parish hear me. at the news of his death. Gard. He was the best neighbour But. The kindest husband Coach. The truest friend to the poor But. My lady took on mightily: we all thought it would have been the death of her. Vel. There is nothing more requisite in business than dispatch. Sir Geo. Then hear me. Vel. It is, indeed, the life of business. Vel. And, as one hath rightly observed, the be Sir Geo. I protest these fellows melt methink the time long till I am their master again, that I may be kind to them. Enter VELLUM. [Aside. Sir Geo. There is no bearing this. Thou art going to describe dispatch, when thou shouldst be practising it. Vel. But your ho-nour will not give me the hearing. Sir Geo. Thou wilt not give me the hearing. [Angrily, Vel. I am still. Sir Geo. In the first place, you are to lay my wig, hat, and sword ready for me in the closet, and one of my scarlet coats. You know how Abigail has described the ghost to you. Vel. It shall be done. Sir Geo. Then you must remember, whilst I am laying this ghost, you are to prepare my wife for the reception of her real husband. Tell her the whole story, and do it with all the art you are master of, that the surprise may not be too great for her. Vel. It shall be done. But since her ho-nour has seen this apparition, she desires to see you once more before you encounter it. Sir Geo. I shall expect her impatiently; for now I can talk to her without being interrupted by that impertinent rogue Tinsel.-I hope thou hast not told Abigail any thing of the secret. Vel. Mrs Abigail is a woman: there are many reasons why she should not be acquainted with it; I shall only mention six. Sir Geo. Hush, here she comes!-Oh my heart! Enter Lady TRUMAN and ABIGAIL. Sir Geo. [Aside, while VELLUM talks in dumb shew to L. TRU.] Oh, that lov'd woman! how I long to take her in my arms! If I find I am still dear to her memory, it will be a return to life indeed. But I must take care of indulging this tenderness, and put on a behaviour more suitable to my present character. [Walks at a distance, in a pensive posture, waving his wand. L. Tru. [To VELLUM.] This is surprising indeed! So all the servants tell me they say he knows everything that has happened in the family. Ab. [Aside.] A parcel of credulous fools: they first tell him their secrets, and then wonder how he comes to know them. [Exit VEL. exchanging fond looks with ABI GAIL. L. Tru. Learned sir, may I have some conversation with you, before you begin your ceremonies? Sir Geo. Speak-But hold-First let, me feel your pulse. L. Tru. What can you learn from that? Sir Geo. I have already learned a secret from it that will astonish you. L. Tru. Pray, what is it? Sir Geo. You will have a husband within this half hour. Ab. [Aside.] I am glad to hear that-He must mean Mr Fantome. I begin to think there's a good deal of truth in his art. L. Tru. Alas! I fear you mean I shall see Sir George's apparition a second time. Sir Geo. Have courage you shall see the apparition no more. The husband I mention shall be as much alive as I am. Ab. Mr Fantome, to be sure. [Aside. L. Tru. Impossible: I loved my first too well. Sir Geo. You could not love the first better than you will love the second. Ab. [Aside.] I'll be hanged if my dear steward has not instructed him. He means Mr Fantome, to be sure. The thousand pounds are our own. L. Tru. Alas, you did not know Sir George! Sir Geo. As well as I do myself—I saw him with you in the red damask room, when he first made love to you: your mother left you together, under pretence of receiving a visit from Mrs Hawthorn, on her return from London. L. Tru. This is astonishing! Sir Ceo. You were a great admirer of a single life for the first half hour; your refusals then grew still fainter and fainter. With what ecstacy did Sir George kiss your hand, when you told him you should always follow the advice of your mamma! L. Tru. Every circumstance to a tittle! Sir Geo. Then, lady, the wedding night !——I saw you in your white sattin night-gown. You would not come out of your dressing-room till Sir George took you out by force. He drew you gently by the hand-you struggled-but he was too strong for you-you blushed-he -He L. Tru. Oh, stop there! go no further.knows every thing. [Aside. Ab. Truly, Mr Conjuror, I believe you have been a wag in your youth. Sir Geo. Mrs Abigail, you know what your good word cost Sir George,-a purse of broad pieces, Mrs Abigail. Ab. The devil's in him.-[Aside.]-Pray, sir, since you have told so far, you should tell my lady that I refused to take them. Sir Geo. 'Tis true, child, he was forced to thrust them into your bosom. Ab. This rogue will mention the thousand pounds, if I don't take care. [Aside.] Pray, sir, though you are a conjuror, methinks you need not be a blab. L. Tru. Sir, since I have now no reason to doubt of your art, I must beseech you to treat this apparition gently. It has the resemblance of my deceased husband. If there be any undiscovered secret, any thing that troubles his rest, learn it of him. Sir Geo. I must, to that end, be sincerely informed by you whether your heart be engaged to another. Have not you received the addresses of many lovers since his death? L. Tru. I have been obliged to receive more visits than have been agreeable. Sir Geo. Was not Tinsel welcome?-I'm afraid to hear an answer to my own question. [Aside. L. Tru. He was well recommended. Sir Geo. Racks! L. Tru. Of a good family. Sir Geo. Tortures! [Aside. [Aside. L. Tru. Heir to a considerable estate. Sir Geo. Death! [Aside.] And you still love him?-I'm distracted! [Aside. L. Tru. No, I despise him. I found he had a design upon my fortune, was base, profligate, cowardly, and every thing that could be expected from a man of the vilest principles. Sir Geo. I'm recovered. [Aside. Ab. Oh, madam, had you seen how like a scoundrel he looked, when he left your ladyship in a swoon!-Where have you left my lady? says L. Tru. If he knows any thing of what passes in my heart, he cannot but be satisfied of that fondness which I bear to his memory. My sorrow for him is always fresh when I think of him. He was the kindest, truest, tenderest-Tears will not let me go on. Su Geo. This quite overpowers me!—I shall discover myself before my time. [Aside.] Madam, you may now retire, and leave me to myself. L. Tru. Success attend you. Sir Geo. Let me retire but for a few moments, and I will give thee such a proof of my art— Fan. Why, if thou hast any hocus-pocus tricks to play, why canst thou not do them here? Sir Geo. The raising of a spirit requires certain secret mysteries to be performed, and words to be muttered in private. Fan. Well, if I see through your trick, will you promise to be my friend? Sir Geo. I will.Attend, and tremble! [Exit. Ab. I wish Mr Fantome gets well off from this Fan. A very solemn old ass! but I smoke him old Don-I know he'll be with him immediate--he has a mind to raise his price upon me.-I ly. [Exeunt Lady TRUMAN and ABIGAIL. Sir Geo. My heart is now at ease!-She is the same dear woman I left her. Now for my revenge upon Fantome. I shall cut the ceremonies short-A few words will do his business. -Now, let me seat myself in form-A good easy chair for a conjuror this-Now for a few mathematical scratches-A good lucky scrawl that Faith, I think it looks very astrological-These two or three magical pot-hooks about it make it a complete conjuror's scheme.—[Drum beats.] Ha, ha, ha! Sir, are you there?-Enter, drummer. -Now must I pore upon my paper. Enter FANTOME, beating his Drum. Pr'ythee, don't make a noise, I'm busy. [FANTOME beats.] A pretty march! Pr'ythee, beat that over again. [He beats, and advances.] [Rsing.] Ha! you're very perfect in the step of a ghost: you stalk it majestically- [FANTOME advances.] How the rogue stares! He acts it to admiration! I'll be hanged if he has not been practising this half hour in Mrs Abigail's wardrobe. [FANTOME starts, gives a rap with his drum.] Pr'ythee, don't play the fool. [FANTOME beats.] Nay, nay, enough of this, good Mr Fan tome. Fan. [Aside.] Death! I am discovered. This jade Abigail has betrayed me. Sir Geo. Mr Fantome, upon the word of an astrologer, your thousand pound bribe will never gain my Lady Truman. Fan. 'Tis plain; she has told him all. [Aside. Sir Geo. Let me advise you to make off as fast as you can, or I plainly perceive, by my art, Mr Ghost will have his bones broke. Fun. [To Sir GEO.] Look ye, old gentleman, I perceive you have learned this secret from Mrs Abigail. Sir Geo. I have learned it from my art. Fan. Thy art! Pr'ythee, no more of that.Look ye, I know you are a cheat as much as I am; and if thou'lt keep my counsel, I'll give thee ten broad pieces. I could not think this slut would have used me thus.-I begin to grow horribly tired of my drum: wish I was well rid of it. However, I have got this by it, that it has driven off Tinsel for good and all: I sha'n't have the mortification to see my mistress carried off by such a rival. Well, whatever happens, I must stop this old fellow's mouth: I must not be sparing in hush-money.— But here he comes. Enter Sir GEORGE in his own Habit. Ha! What's that? Sir George Truman! This can be no counterfeit. His dress, his shape, his face, the very wound of which he died! Nay, then 'tis time to decamp! [Runs off. Sir Geo. Ha, ha, ha! Fare you well, good Sir George.-The enemy has left me master of the field: here are the marks of my victory: This drum will I hang up in my great hall, as the trophy of the day. Sir GEORGE Enter ABIGAIL. stands with his hand before his face, in a musing posture. Ab. Yonder he is. O' my conscience, he has driven off the conjuror.-Mr Fantome, Mr Fantome! I give you joy, I give you joy. What do you think of your thousand pounds now? Why does not the man speak? [Pulls him by the sleeve. Sir Geo. Ha! [Taking his hand from his face. Ab. Oh, 'tis my master! [Shrieks. [Running away, he catches her. Sir Geo. Good Mrs Abigail, not so fast. Ab. Are you alive, sir? He has given my shoulder such a cursed tweak! They must be real fingers: I feel them, I'm sure. Sir treo. What dost thou think? Ab. Think, sir! think!-Troth I don't know what to think!-Pray, sir, how Sir Geo. No questions, good Abigail : thy curiosity shall be satisfied in due time.-Where's your lady? Ab. Oh, I'm so frighted-and so gladSir Geo. Where's your lady, I ask you? Ab. Marry, I don't know where I am myself -I cann't forbear weeping for joy. Sir Geo. Your lady? I say, your lady?—I must bring you to yourself with one pinch more. Ab. Oh!-she has been talking a good while with the steward. Sir Geo. Then he has opened the whole story to her. I'm glad he has prepared her.—Oh, here she comes. Enter Lady TRUMAN, followed by VELLUM. L. Tru. Where is he? Let me fly into his arms! My life! my soul! my husband! Sir Geo. Oh, let me catch thee to my heart, dearest of women! L. Tru. Are you then still alive, and are you here? I can scarce believe my senses! Now am I happy indeed! Sir Geo. My heart is too full to answer thee. L. Tru. How could you be so cruel to defer giving me that joy which you knew I must receive from your presence? You have robbed my life of some hours of happiness that ought to have been in it. Sir Geo. It was to make our happiness the more sincere and unmixed: there will be now no doubts to dash it. What has been the affliction of our lives has given a variety to them, and will hereafter supply us with a thousand materials to talk of. L. Tru. I am now satisfied that it is not in the power of absence to lessen your love towards me Sir Geo. And I am satisfied that it is not in the power of death to destroy that love which makes me the happiest of men. L. Tru. Was ever woman so blessed! to find again the darling of her soul, when she thought him lost for ever! to enter into a kind of second marriage with the only man whom she was ever capable of loving! Ser Geo. May it be as happy as our first; I desire no more! Believe me, my dear, I want words to express those transports of joy and tenderness which are every moment rising in my heart whilst I speak to thee. Enter Servants. But. Just as the steward told us, lads!-Look you there, if he ben't with my lady already? Gard. He, he, he! what a joyful night will this be for madam, Coach. As I was coming in at the gate, a strange gentleman whisked by me, but he took to his heels, and made away to the George. If I did not see master before me, I should have sworn it had been his honour! Gurd. Hast thou given orders for the bells to be set a-ringing? Coach. Never trouble thy head about that; it is done. Sir Geo. [To Lady TRU.] My dear, I long as much to tell you my whole story as you do to hear it. In the mean while, I am to look upon this as my wedding-day. I'll have nothing but the voice of mirth and feasting in my house. My poor neighbours and my servants shall rejoice with me: My hall shall be free to every one; and let my cellars be thrown open. But. Ah, bless your honour, may you never die again! Coach. The same good man that ever he was! Sir Geo. Vellum, thou hast done me much service to-day. I know thou lovest Abigail; but she's disappointed in a fortune. I'll make it up to both of you: I'll give thee a thousand pounds with her. It is not fit there should be one sad heart in my house to-night. L. Tru. What you do for Abigail, I know is meant as a compliment to me. This is a new inyour love. stance of Ab. Mr Vellum, you are a well-spoken man: Pray do you thank my master and my lady. Sir Geo. Vellum, I hope you are not displeased with the gift I make you? Vel. The gift is two-fold:-I receive from you nours. EPILOGUE. SPOKEN BY LADY TRUMAN. TO-NIGHT the poet's advocate I stand; If both the first should from their duty swerve, In troth, 'twas spoke like an obliging creature, And really I thought the play would want it, To warm your fancies, and to steal your hearts: know Whether, in strictness, you should laugh or no, He draws a widow, who, of blameless carriage, And, to improve a virtuous wife's delights, |