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Gard. Hast thou done, Robin ?

man. I must take the advantage of my disguise, Coach. (To Gard.] He can tell thee any thing to be thoroughly satisfied. It would neither be

Gard. (To Sir Geo.) Sir, I would beg to take for her happiness nor mine, to make myself known you a little further out of hearing.

to her till I am so. (Aside.] Dear Vellum, I am Sir Geo. Speak.

impatient to hear some news of my wife. Hor Gard. The butler and I, Mr Doctor, were both does she, after her fright? of us in love, at the same time, with a certain Vel. It is a saying somewhere in my lord Coke, person.

that a widowSir Geo. A woman.

Sir Geo. I ask of my wife, and thou talk'st to Gard. How could he know that? [Aside. me of my lord Coke-Pr’ythee, tell me how sbe Sir Geo. Go on.

does; for I am in pain for her. Gard. This woman has lately had two children Vel. She is pretty well recovered. Mrs Abiat a birth.

gail has put her in good heart, and I have given Sir Geo. Twins.

her
great hopes from

your

skill. Gard. Prodigious! Where could he hear that? Sir Geo. That, I think, cannot fail, since thou

(Aside. hast got this secret out of Abigail. But I could Sir Geo. Proceed.

not have thought my friend Fantome would have Gard. Now, because I used to meet her some served me thus. times in the garden, she has laid them both Vel. You will still fancy you are a living man. Sir Geo. To thee.

Sir Geo. That he should endeavour to ensnare Gard. What a power of learning he must have ! my wife. He knows every thing.

(Aside. 'Vel. You have no right in her after your de Sir Geo. Hast thou done?

mise. Death extinguishes all property-Quoad Gard. I would desire to know whether I am hanc-It is a maxim in the lawreally father to them both ?

Sir Geo. A pox on your learning !--Well, but Sir Geo. Stand before me ; let me survey thee what is become of Tinsel ? round.

Vel. He rushed' out of the house, called for his (Lays his wand upon his head, and makes him horse, clapped spurs to his sides, and was out of turn about.

sight in less time than I can tell ten. Coach. Look yonder, John, the silly dog is turn Sir Geo. This is whimsical enough. My wife ing about under the conjuror's wand. If he has will have a quick succession of lovers in one day. been saucy to him, we shall see him puffed off in Fantome has driven out Tinsel, and I shall drive a whirlwind immediately.

out Fantome. Sir Geo. Twins, dost thou say?

Vel. Even as one wedge driveth out another

(Still turning him. He, he, he ! You must pardon me for being jocuGard. Ay: are they both mine, d'ye think? lar. Sir Geo. Own but one of them.

Sir Geo. Was there ever such a provoking Gard. Ay, but Mrs Abigail will have me take blockhead? But he means me well — Well, i care of them both-she's always for the but- must have satisfaction of this traitor, Fantome, and ler.-If my poor master, Sir George, had been cannot take a more proper one, than by turning alive, he would have made him go halves with me. him out of my house, in a manner that shall

Sir Geo. What, was Sir George a kind master throw shame upon him, and make him ridiculous

Gard. Was he! Ay, my fellow-servants will as long as he lives. You must remember, Vel. bear me witness.

lum, you have abundance of business upon your Sir Geo. Did you love Sir George?

hands, and I have but just time to tell it you But. Every body loved him.

over. All I require of you is dispatch; therefore Coach. There was not a dry eye in the parish hear me. at the news of his death.

Vel. There is nothing more requisite in busiGard. He was the best neighbour

ness than dispatch. But. The kindest husband

Sir Geo. Then hear me. Coach. The truest friend to the poor

Vel. It is, indeed, the life of business. But. My lady took on mightily: we all thought Sir Geo. Hear me then, I say. it would have been the death of her.

Vel. And, as one hath rightly observed, the beSir Geo. I protest these fellows melt me -Inefit that attends it is four-fold. Firstthink the time long till I am their master again, Sir Geo. There is no bearing this. Thou art that I may be kind to them.

(Aside. going to describe dispatch, when thou shouldst

be practising it. Enter VELLUM.

Vel. But your ho—nour will not give me the Vel. Have you provided the doctor every thing hearing. he has occasion for?-If so-you may depart. Sir Geo. Thou wilt not give me the hearing. (Ereunt Servants.

[Angrily. Sir Geo. I can, as yet, see no hurt in my wife's Vel. I am still. behaviour, but still have some certain pangs and Sir Geo. In the first place, you are to lay my doubts, that are natural to the heart of a fond wig, hat, and sword ready for me in the closei,

and one of my scarlet coats. You know how L. Tru. Alas, you did not know Sir George! Abigail has described the ghost to you.

Sir Geo. As well as I do myself—I saw him Veh. It shall be done.

with you in the red damask room, when he first Sir Geo. Then you must remember, whilst I am made love to you: your mother left you together, laying this ghost, you are to prepare my wife for under pretence of receiving a visit from Mrs the reception of her real husband. Tell her the Hawthorn, on her return from London. whole story, and do it with all the art you are L. Tru. This is astonishing ! master of, that the surprise may not be too great Sir Ceo. You were a great admirer of a single for her.

life for the first half hour ; your refusals then Vel. It shall be done. But since her ho-nour grew still fainter and fainter. With what ecstahas seen this apparition, she desires to see you cy did Sir George kiss your hand, when you told once more before you encounter it.

him you should always follow the advice of your Sir Geo. I shall expect her impatiently; for now mamma! I can talk to her without being interrupted by L. Tru. Every circumstance to a tittle ! that impertinent rogue Tinsel.–1 hope thou hast Sir Geo. Then, lady, the wedding night! I not told Abigail any thing of the secret. saw you in your white sattin night-gown. You

Vel. Mrs Xbigail is a woman : there are many would not come out of your dressing-room till reasons why she should noi be acquainted with Sir George took you out by force. He drew you it; I shall only mention six.

gently by the hand-you struggled—but he was Sir Geo. Hush, here she comes !-Oh my too strong for you-you blushed-heheart!

L. Tru. Oh, stop there! go no further. He knows every thing.

Aside. Enter Lady TRUMAN and ABIGAIL.

Ab. Truly, Mr Conjuror, I believe you have Sir Geo. (Aside, while VelluM talks in dumb been a wag in your youth. shew to L. TRU.] Oh, that lov'd woman ! how I Sir Geo. Mrs Abigail, you know what your long to take her in my arms! If I find I am still good word cost Sir George, –a purse of broad dear to her memory, it will be a return to life in- pieces, Mrs Abigail. deed. But I must take care of indulging this ten Ab. The devil's in him.- Aside.]-Pray, sir, derness, and

put

on"a behaviour more suitable to since you have told so far, you should tell my my present character.

lady that I refused to take them. (Walks at a distance, in a penside posture, Sir Geo. 'Tis true, child, he was forced to waving his wand.

thrust them into your bosom. L. Tru. (To VELLUM.] This is surprising in Ab. This rogue will mention the thousand deed! So all the servants tell me: they say he pounds, if I don't take care. [Aside.] Pray, sir, knows everything that has happened in the family. though you are a conjuror, methinks you need

Ab. (Aside.] A parcel of credulous fools : they not be a blab. first tell him their secrets, and then wonder how L. Tru. Sir, since I have now no reason to he comes to know them.

doubt of your art, I must beseech you to treat [Exit VEL. exchanging fond looks with ABI- this apparition gently. It has the resemblance

of my deceased husband. If there be any unL Tru. Learned sir, may I have some conver- discovered secret, any thing that troubles his rest, sation with you, before you begin your ceremonies? learn it of him.

Sir Geo. Speak—But hold—First let, me feel Sir Geo. I must, to that end, be sincerely in your pulse.

formed by you whether your heart be engaged to L. Tru. What can you learn from that? another.-Have not you received the addresses

Sir Geo. I have already learned a secret from of many lovers since his death? ; it that will astonish you.

L. Tru. I have been obliged to receive more L. Tru. Pray, what is it?

visits than have been agreeable. Sir Geo. You will have a husband within this Sir Geo. Was not Tinsel welcome ? -_I'm afraid kalf hour.

to hear an answer to my own question. (Aside. Ab. (Aside.] I am glad to hear that—He must L. Tru. He was well recommended. mean Mr Fantome. I begin to think there's a Sir Geo. Racks !

(Aside. good deal of truth in his art.

L. Tru. Of a good family. L. Tru. Alas! I fear you mean I shall see Sir Sir Geo. Tortures !

(Aside. George's apparition a second time.

L. Tru. Heir to a considerable estate. Sir Geo. Have courage you shall see the ap. Sir Geo. Death! (Aside.) And you still love i parition no more. The husband I mention shall him ?--I'm distracted !

Aside. be as much alive as I am.

L. Tru. No, I despise him. I found he had a Ab. Mr Fantome, to be sure. (Aside. design upon my fortune, was base, profligate, cowL. Tru. Impossible: I loved my first too well. ardly, and every thing that could be expected from

Sir Geo. You could not love the first better a man of the vilest principles. than you will love the second.

Sir Geo. I'm recovered.

(Aside. db. (Aside.) PH be hanged if my dear steward Ab. Oh, madam, had you seen how like a e has not instruc: ed him. He means Mr Fantome, scoundrel he looked, when he left your ladyship to be sure. The thousand pounds are our own.

in a swoon!-Where have you left my lady? says 12

GAIL.

I. In an elbow-chair, child, says he. And where Sir Geo. I am not mercenary. Young man, I are you going ? says I. To town, child, says he; scorn thy gold. for, to tell thee truly, child, says he, I don't care

Fan. I'll inake them up twenty. for living under the same roof with the devil, says Sir Geo. Avaunt! and that quickly, or I'll raise he.

such an apparition as shallSir Geo. Well, lady, I see nothing in all this Fan. An apparition, old gentleman! You mis. that

may hinder Sir George's spirit from being take your man: I'm not to be frighted with bug. at rest.

bears! L. Tru. If he knows any thing of what passes

Sir Geo. Let me retire but for a few moments, in my heart, he cannot but be satisfied of that and I will give thee such a proof of my artfondness which I bear to his memory. My sor Fun. Why, if thou hast any hocus-pocus tricks row for him is always fresh when I think of him. to play, why canst thou not do them here? He was the kindest, truest, tenderest-Tears will Sir Geo. The raising of a spirit requires cere not let me go on.

tain secret mysteries to be performed, and words Si Geo. This quite overpowers me!-I shall to be muttered in private. discover myself before my time. [Aside.) Madam, Fun. Well, if I see through your trick, will you you may now retire, and leave me to myself. promise to be my friend? L. Tru. Success attend you.

Sir Geo. I will. Attend, and tremble! (Exit. Ab. I wish Mr Fantome gets well off from this Fan. A very solemn old ass! but I smoke him old Don—I know he'll be with him immediate- -he has a mind to raise his price upon me. ly. (Exeunt Ludy TRUMAN und ABIGAIL. could not think this slut would have used me

Sir Geo. My heart is now at ease ! - She is thus.--I begin to grow horribly tired of my drum: the same dear woman I left her. Now for my I wish I was well rid of it. Howevir, I have got revenge upon Fantome. I shall cut the cere this by it, that it has driven off Tinsel for good monies short-A few words will do his business. and all : I sha'n't have the mortification to see --Now, let me seat myself in form-A good easy my mistress carried off by such a rival. Well, chair for a conjuror this—Now for a few mathe. whatever happens, I must stop this old fellow's matical scratches—A good lucky scrawl that mouth : I must not be sparing in hush-money.Faith, I think it looks very astrological --- These But here he comes. two or three magical pot-hooks about it make it a complete conjuror's scheme.-[Drum beats.]

Enter Sir GEORGE in his own Habit. Ha, ha, ha! Sir, are you there?—Enter, drummer. Ha! What's that? Sir. George Truman ! This -Now must I pore upon my paper.

can be no counterfeit. His dress, his shape, his

face, the very wound of which he died! Nay, Enter FANTOME, beating his Drum.

then 'tis time to decamp!

(Rans off. Pr’ythee, don't make a noise, I'm busy. (FAN Sir Geo. Ha, ha, ha! Fare you well, good Sir TOME beats.] A pretty march ! Pr’ythee, beat George.—The enemy has left me master of the that over again. (He beats, und advances.] [Ri- field : here are the marks of my victory: This sing.) Ha ! you're very perfect in the step of a drum will I hang up in my great hall, as the tro ghost : you stalk it majestically — [FANTOME phy of the day. adounces.] How the rogue stares ! He acts it to admiration! I'll be hanged if he has not been

Enter ABIGAIL. practising this balf hour in Mrs Abigail's wardrobe. (FANTOME starts, gives a rup with his Sir George stands with his hand before his face, drum.] Prythee, don't play the fool. (FANTOME

in a musing posture. beats.] Nay, nay, enough of this, good Mr Fan Ab. Yonder he is. O' my conscience, he has tome.

driven off the conjuror.-Mr Fantome, Mr FanFan. (Aside.] Death! I am discovered. This tome! I give you joy, I give you joy. What do jade Abigail has betrayed me.

you think of your thousand pounds now? Why Sir Geo. Mr Fantome, upon the word of an does not the man speak? astrologer, your thousand pound bribe will never

[Pulls him by the sleere. gain my Lady Truman.

Sir Geo. Ha! (Tuking his hand from his face. Fan. 'Tis plain; she has told him all. (Aside. Ab. Oh, 'tis my master!

(Shricks. Sir Geo. Let me advise you to make off as

[Running away, he catches ker. fast as you can, or I plainly perceive, by my art, Sir Geo. Good Mrs Abigail, not so fast. Mr Ghost will have his bones broke.

Ab. Are you alive, sir?

He has given my Fun. (To Sir Geo. Look ye, old gentleman, shoulder such a cursed tweak ! They must be real I perceive you have learned this secret from Mrs fingers : I feel them, I'm sure. Abigail.

Sir (700. What dost thou think? Sir Geo. I have learned it from my art.

Ab. Think, sir! think !—Troth I don't know Fan. Thy art! Pr’ythee, no more of that. what to think !--Pray, sir, how Look ye, I know you are a cheat as much as I Sir Geo. No questions, good Abigail : thy caam; and if thou'lt keep my counsel, I'll give thee riosity shall be satisfied in due time. Where's ten broad picces.

your lady?

Ab. Oh, I'm so frighted-and so glad —
Sir Geo. Where's your lady, I ask you?

Enter Servants.
Ab. Marry, I don't know where I am myself But. Just as the steward told us, lads!-Look
-I cann't forbear weeping for joy:

you there, if he ben't with my lady already? Sir Geo. Your lady? I say, your lady ?-I must Gard. He, he, he ! what a joyful night will this bring you to yourself with one pinch more. be for madam,

Ab. Oh!-she has been talking a good while Coach. As I was coming in at the gate, a strange with the steward.

gentleman whisked by me, but he took to his Sir Geo. Then he has opened the whole story heels, and made away to the George. If I did to her. I'm glad he has prepared her.-Oh, here not see master before me, I should have sworn it she comes.

had been his honour !

Gurd. Hast thou given orders for the bells to Enter Lady TRUMAN, followed by Vellum.

be set a-ringing? L. Tru. Where is he? Let me fly into his arms! Goa: h. Never trouble thy head about that ; it is My life ! my soul! my husband !

done. Sir Geo. Oh, let me catch thee to my heart, Sir Geo. (To Lady Tru.] My dear, I long as dearest of women !

much to tell you my whole story as you do to L. Tru. Are you then still alive, and are you hear it. In the mean while, I am to look upon here? I can scarce believe my senses ! Now am I this as my wedding-day. I'll have nothing but happy indeed!

the voice of mirth and feasting in my house. My Sir Geo. My heart is too full to answer thee. poor neighbours and my servants shall rejoice with

L. Tru. How could you be so cruel to defer me: My hall shall be free to every one; and let giving me that joy which you knew I must re my cellars be thrown open.

ceive from your presence? You have robbed my But. Ah, bless your honour, may you never : life of some hours of happiness that ought to have die again! E been in it.

Coach. The same good man that ever he was ! Sir Geo. It was to make our happiness the Gurd. Whurra! more sincere and unmixed : there will be now no Sir Geo. Vellum, thou hast done me much serdoubts to dash it. What has been the affliction vice to-day. I know thou lovest Abigail ; but of our lives has given a variety to them, and will she's disappointed in a fortune. I'll make it up hereafter supply us with a thousand materials to to both of you: I'll give thee a thousand pounds talk of.

with her. It is not fit there should be one sad L. Tru. I am now satisfied that it is not in the heart in my house to-night. power of absence to lessen your love towards me L. Tru. What you do for Abigail, I know is

Sir Geo. And I am satisfied that it is not in the meant as a compliment to me. This is a new inpower of death to destroy that love which makes

stance of your love. me the happiest of men.

Ab. Mř Vellum, you are a well-spoken man: L. Tru. Was ever woman so blessed! to find Pray do you thank my master and my lady: again the darling of her soul, when she thought Sir Geo. Vellum, I hope you are not displeahim lost for ever! to enter into a kind of second sed with the gift I make you? marriage with the only man whom she was ever Vel. The gift is two-fold :- I receive from you capable of loving !

A virtuous partner, and a portion too, Sir Geo. May it be as happy as first; I de For which, in humble wis I thank the donors; sire no more! Believe me, my dear, I want words And so we bid good-night to both your hoto express those transports of joy and tenderness

[Exeunt omnes. which are every moment rising in my heart whilst I speak to thee.

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nours.

EPILOGUE.

SPOKEN BY LADY TRUMAN.

TO-NIGHT the poet's advocate I stand;
And he deserves the favour at my hand,
Who in my equipage, their cause debating,
Has plac'd two lovers, and a third in waiting :

If both the first should from their duty swerve;
There's one behind the wainscot in reserve.
In his next play, if I would take this trouble,
He promised me to make the number double.

In troth, 'twas spoke like an obliging creature, And, to improve a virtuous wife's delights,
For though 'tis simple, yet it shews good nature. Out of one man contrives two wedding-nights :
My help thus ask’d, I could not choose but grant Nay, to oblige the sex in ev'ry state,
it,

A nymph of five-and-forty finds her mate. And really I thought the play would want it, Too long has marriage, in this tasteless age, Void, as it is, of all the usual arts

With ill-bred raillery supply'd the stage: To warm your fancies, and to steal your

hearts: No little scribbler is of wit so bare, No court-intrigue, nor city cuckoldom;

But has his fling at the poor wedded pair. No song, no dance, no music-but a drum; Our author deals not in conceits so stale; No smutty thought, in doubtful phrase express’d; For should th' examples of his play prevail, And, gentlemen, if so, pray where's the jest? No man need blush, though true to marriagsWhen we would raise your mirth, you hardly

Vows, know

Nor be a jest, though he should love his spouse. Whether, in strictness, you should laugh or no, Thus has he done you British consorts right, But turn upon the ladies in the pit,

Whose husbands, should they pry like mine to And if they redden, you are sure 'tis wit.

night, Protect him then, ye fair ones ; for the fair Would never find you

in your

conduct slipping, Of all conditions are his equal care.

Though they turn'd conjurors to take you trip He draws a widow, who, of blameless carriage,

ping, True to her jointure, hates a second marriage;

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