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60 perplexed me. -Hussy, you shall marry as I Cler. My dearest Harriet ! how shall I express would have you, or
the agony i am in on your account? Cler. Forgive my interposing. Dear sir, what's Hur. Be not too much alarmed, since you may the matter? Madam, let me entreat you not to depend on my resolution. It may be in the power put your father into a passion.
of Fortane to delay our happiness, but no power Love. Clerimont, you are a prudent young fel. shall force me to destroy your hopes by any other low. Here's a baggage of a daughter who refu- match. ses the most advantageous match that ever was Cler. Thou kindest lovely creature ! offered both to her and to me: a man of a vast estate offers to take her without a portion !
Enter LOVEGOLD. Cler. Without a portion ! Consider, dear ma Love. Thank Heaven, it was nothing but my dam! Can you refuse a gentleman who offers to fear. take you without a portion?
Cler. Yes, a daughter must obey ber father : Love. Ay, consider what that saves your fa- she is not to consider the shape, or the air, or ther.
the age of a husband; but when a man offers to Har. Yes, but I consider what I am to suffer. take her without a portion, she is to have him,
Cier. That's true indeed; you will think on let him be what he will. that, sir. Though money be the first thing to be Love. Admirably well said, indeed ! considered in all the affairs of life, yet some lit Cler. Madam, I ask your pardon, if my love for tle regard should be had in this case to inclina. yourself and family carries me a little too fartion,
Be under no concern: I dare swear I shall bring Lode. Without a portion.
her to it.
(To LOVEGOLD. Cler. You are in the right, sir; that decides the Love. Do, do. I'll go in and see what these thing at once: And yet I know there are people people want with me. Give her a little more now who, on this occasion, object against a disparity of while she's warm: you will be time enough to age and temper, which too often make the married draw the warrant. state utterly miserable.
Cler. When a lover offers, madam, to take a Love. Without a portion.
daughter without a portion, one should inquire Cler. Ah! there's no answering that-Who no further ; every thing is contained in that one can oppose such a reason as that? And yet there article; and without a portion supplies the want are several parents who study the inclinations of of beauty, youth, family, wisdom, honour, and their children more than any other thing, that honesty. would by no means sacrifice them to interest, and Love. Gloriously said: spoke like ap oracle ! who esteem, as the very first article of marriage,
[Erit. that happy union of affections which is the foun Cler. So, once more we are alone together.dation of every blessing attending on a married Believe me this is a most painful hypocrisy: it state--and who
tortures me to oppose your opinion, though I am Love. W tho it a portion.
not in earnest, nor suspected by you of being so. Cler. Very true; that stops your mouth at Oh, Harriet ! how is the noble passion of love once Without a portion! Where is the per- ahused by vulgar souls, who are incapable of tasson who can find an argument against that? ting its delicacies ! When love is great as mine,
Love, Ha! is not that the barking of a dog? Some villains are in search of my money. Don't None can its pleasures or its pains declare; stir from hence :-1'll return in an instant. We can but feel how exquisite they are. (Exit LOVE.
Ram. Ah, sir, it is a terrible thing to borrow SCENE I-Continues.
money! A man must have dealt with the devil,
to deal with a scrivener. Enter FREDERICK and RAMILIE.
Fred. Then it won't do, I suppose. Fred. What is the reason, sirrah, you have Ram. Pardon me, sir. Mr Decoy the broker is been out of the way, when I gave you orders to a most industrious person : he says he has done
every thing in his power to serve you, for he has Ram. Yes, sir, and here did I stay, according taken a particular fancy to your honour, to your orders, till your good father turn'd me Fred. So then I shall have the five hundred, out; and it is, sir, at the extreme hazard of a shall I? cudgel that I return back again.
Ram. Yes, sir; but there are some triling conFred. Well
, sir, and what answer have you ditions which your honour must submit to before brought touching the money?
the affair can be finished
Fred. Did he bring you to the speech of the eaten, otherwise not in the least the worse for person that is to lend the money?
wearing; one large pier-glass, with only one Ram. Ah, sir ! things are not managed in that crack in the middle; one suit of tapestry hangmanner : he takes more care to conceal himself ings, in which are curiously wrought the loves of than you do: There are greater mysteries in these Mars and Venus, Venus and Adonis, Cupid and matters than you imagine. Why, he would not so Psyche, with many other amorous stories, which much as tell ine the lender's name; and he is to make the hangings very proper for a bed-chamber. bring him to-day to talk with you in some third Fred. What the devil is here? person's house, to learn from your own mouth Ram. Item, one suit of drugget, with silver butthe particulars of your estate and family. I dare tons, the buttons only the worse for wearing ; swear the very name of your father will make all item, two muskets, one of which only wants the
lock; one large silver watch, with Tompion's name Fred. Chiefly the death of my mother, whose to it; one snuff-box, with a picture in it, bought - jointure no one can hinder me of.
at Mr Deard's--a proper present for a mistress; Ram. Here, sir, I have brought the articles : five pictures without frames, if not originals, all Mr Decoy told me he took 'em from the mouth copies by good hands; and one fine frame withof the person himself. Your honour will find out a picture. them extremely reasonable -the broker was
Fred. Oons ! what use have I for all this? forced to stickle hard to get such good ones. In
Ram. Several valuable books, amongst which the first place, the lender is to see all his securities, are all the journals printed for these five years and the borrower must be of age, and heir-appa- last past, handsomely bound and lettered the rent to a large estate, without flaw in the title, whole works in divinity of and entirely free from all encumbrance; and,
Fred. Read no more! Confound the curs'd exthat the lender may run as little risk as possible, tortioner ! I shall pay one hundred per cent. the borrower must ensure his life for the sum Ram. Ah, sir! I wish your honour would conlent: if he be an officer in the army, he is to make sider of it in time.
over his whole pay for the payment of both prin- Fred. I must have money. To what straits icipal and interest, which, that the lender may not are we reduced by the curs'd avarice of fathers ! 8
burden his conscience with any scruples, is to be Well may we wish them dead, when their death 1 no more than thirty per cent.
is the only introduction to our living. Fred. Oh the conscientious rascal!
Ram. Such a father as yours, sir, is enough to Ram. But as the said lender has not by him at make one do something more than wish him present the sun demanded, and that to oblige the dead. For my part, I have never had any incliborrower he is himself forced to borrow of ano vations towards hanging; and I thank Heaven I, ther, at the rate of four p. cent., he thinks it but have lived to see whole sets of my companions reasonable that the first borrower, over and above swing out of the world, while I have had address the thirty per cent. aforesaid, shall also pay this enough to quit all manner of gallantries the mofour per cent., since it is for his service only that ment I smelt the halter. I have always had an this sumn is borrowed.
utter aversion to the smell of hemp; but this Fred. Oh, the devil! what a Jew is here! rogue of a father of yours, sir-Sir, I ask your,
Ram. You know, sir, what you have to do--He pardon-las so provoked me, that I have ofcann't oblige you to these terms.
ten wished to rob him; and rob him I shall in the Fred. Nor can I oblige him to lend me the end, that's certain. money without them; and you know that I must fred. Give me that paper, that I may consider have it, let the conditions be what they will. a little these moderate articles, Ram. Ay, sir: Why, that was what I told him.
Enter LOVEGOLD and DECOY. Fred. Did you so, rascal? No wonder he in. sists on such conditions, if you laid open my ne
Decoy. In short, sir, he is a very extravagant cessities to him.
young fellow, and so pressed by his necessities, Rum. Alas, sir, I only told it to the broker, that you may bring him to what terins you please. who is your friend, and has your
Love. But do you think, Mr Decoy, there is much at heart.
no danger? Do you know the name, the family, Fred. Well, is this all, or are there any more
and the estate of the borrower? reasonable articles ?
Decoy. No, I cannot give you any perfect in, Ram. Of the five hundred pounds required, the formation yet, for it was by the greatest accident lender can pay down in ca h no more than four
in the world that he was recommended to me; hundred, and for the rest the borrower inust take but you will learn all these particulars from his. in goods, of which here follows the catalogue. own lips; and his man assured me, you would
Fred. What, in the devils naine, is the mean make no difficulty the moment you knew the ing of all this?
name of his father. All that I can tell you is, that Ram. Imprimis
, one large yellow camblet bed, his servant says the old gentleman is extremely lined with satin, very little
eaten by the moths; rich : he called him a covetous old rascal. and wanting only one curtain; six stuffed chairs Loor. Ay, that is the name which these spendof the same, a little torn, and the frames worm thrifts, and the rogues their servants, give ta allo
honest, prudent men, who know the world, and my mamma loves physic better than she does any the value of their money.
thing but cards. Deroy. This young gentleman is an only son, Har. Were I to take as much of cards as you and is so little afraid of any future competitors, do, I don't know which I should nauseate most. that he offers to be bound, if you insist on it, that Mar. Oh, child, you are quite a tramontane : his father shall die within these eight months. I must bring you to like dear spadille. I pro
Love. Ay, there's something in that: I be- test, rriet, if you would take my advice in lieve then I shall let him have the money: some things, you would be the most agreeable Charity, Mr Decoy, charity obliges us to serve creature in the world. our neighbours, I say, when we are no losers by Hur. Nay, my dear! I am in a fair way of so doing
being obliged to obey your commands. Decoy. Very true indeed.
Mar. That would be the happiest thing in Ram. Hey-day! what can be the meaning of the world for you ; and I dare swear you would this ? Our broker talking with the old gentleman! like them extremely, for they would be exactly
Decoy. So, gentlemen! I see you are in great opposite to every command of your father's. haste : But who told you, pray, that this was the Har. By that, now, one would think you were lender ?--I assure you, sir, I neither discovered
married already. your name nor your house: but, however, there
Mar. Married, my dear! is no great harm done: they are people of dis Har. Oh, I can tell you of such a conquest ! cretion, so you may freely transact the affair now. you will have such a lover within these four-andLove. How!
twenty hours ! Decoy. This, sir, is the gentleman that wants Mär. I am glad you have given me timely to borrow' the five hundred pounds I mentioned notice of it, that I may turn off somebody to to you.
make room for him; but I believe I have listed Love. How, rascal ! is it you that abandon him already. Oh, Harriet ! I have been so yourself to these intolerable extravagancies? plagued, so pestered, so fatigued, since I saw Fred. I must even stand buff, and outface him.
you, with that dear creature your brother-in [ Aside.)-And is it you, father, that disgrace your short, child, he has made arrant downright love self by these scandalous extortions ?
to me: if my heart had not been harder than ada[RAMILIE and DECOY sneak off. mant itself, I had been your sister by this time. Love. Is it you that would ruin yourself by Har. And if your heart be not harder than taking up money at such an interest?
adamant, you will be in a fair way of being my Fred. Is it you that would enrich yourself by mother shortly, for my good father has this very lending at such interest ?
day declared such a passion for youLove. How dare you, after this, appear before Mar. Your father!
Har. Ay, my dear! what say you to a comely Fred. How dare you, after this, appear before old gentleman of not much above threescore, that the face of the world?
loves you so violently? I dare swear he will be Love. Get you out of my sight, villain! get constant to you all his days. out of my sight.
Mar. Ha, ha, ha! I shall die. Ha, ha, ha! Fred. Sir, I go; but give me leave to say
you extravagant creature ! how could you throw Love. I'll not hear a word: I'll prevent your away all this jest at once it would have furnishattempting any thing of this nature for the fu- ed a prudent person with an annuity of laughter tare. -Get out of my sight, villain !- I am for life. Oh! I am charmed with my conquest; not sorry for this accident: it will make me I am quite in love with him already: I never henceforth keep a stricter eye over his actions. had a lover yet above half his age.
Har. Lappet and I have laid a delightfal plot,
if you will but come into it, and counterfeit an SCENE II.-An Apartment in LOVEGOLD'S affection for him. House.
Mar. Why, child, I have a real affection for
him. Oh, methinks I see you on your knees alEnter HARRIET and MARIANA.
ready—Pray, mamma, please to give me your Mar. Nay, Harriet, you must excuse me, for blessing. Oh, I see my loving bridegroom in his of all people upon earth you are my greatest threefold nightcap, his flannel shirt: methinks favourite: but I have had such an intolerable I see him approach me with all the loving gravicold, child, that it is a miracle I have recovered; ty of age; I hear him whisper charming sentences for, my dear, would you think I have had no less of morality in my ear, more instructive than all than three doctors ?
my grandmother e'er taught me. Oh! I smell Hur. Nay, then it is a miracle you recovered, him sweeter, oh! sweeter than even hartshorn indeed.
itself! Ha, ha, ha! See, child, how beautiful a Mar. Oh, child, doctors will never do me any fond imagination can paint a lover. Would not harm, I never take any thing they prescribe : any one think now we had been a happy couple I don't know how it is, when one's ill one cann't together, Heaven knows how long? help sending for them; and you know, my dear, Har. Well, you dear mad creature! but de
you think you can maintain any of this fondness | ceed better with him, and get some of those to his face ? for I know some women who speak guineas you would have borrowed. very fondly of a husband to other people, but ne Ram. I am not, madam, now to learn Mrs ver say one civil thing to the man himself. Lappet's dexterity; but if you get any thing out
dur. Oh, never fear it. One cann't indeed of him, I shall think you a match for the devil. bring one's self to he civil to a young lover; but Sooner than to extract gold from him, I would as for these old fellows, I think one may play engage to extract religion from a hypocrite, as harmlessly with them as with one another. honesty from a lawyer, health from a physician, Young fellows are perfect bears, and must be sincerity from a courtier, or modesty from a poet. kept at a distance; the old ones are mere lap- I think, my dear, you have liv'd long enough in dogs, and when they have agreeable tricks with this house to know that gold is a dear commodithem, one is equally fond of both.
Hur. Well, but now I hope you will give me Lap. Ah, but there are some certain services leave to speak a word or two seriously in favour which will squeeze it out of the closest hands. of my poor brother.
There is one trade which, I thank Heaven, I'm Mur. Oh, I shall hate you if you are serious. no stranger to, wherein all men are dabblers ; Oh! see what your wicked words have occasion, and he who will scarce afford himself either meat ed. I protest you are a conjuror, and certainly or clothes, will still pay for the commodities I deal with the devil.
Ram. Your humble servant, madam. I find Enter Frederick.
you don't know our good master yet. There is Har. Oh, brother! I am glad you are come to not a woman in the world who loves to hear her plead your own cause : I have been your solici- pretty self talk never so much, but you may tor in your absence.
easier shut her mouth than open his hands. As Fred. I am afraid, like other clients, I shall for thanks, praises, and promises, no courtier upplead much worse for myself than my advocate
on earth is more liberal of them; but for money,
the devil a penny. There's nothing so dry as his Mar. Persons who have a bad cause should caresses : and there is no husband who hates the have very artful counsel.
word wife half so much as he does the word give. Fred. When the judge is determined against Instead of saying I give you a good.morrow, he lis, all art will prove of no effect.
always says I lend you a good morning. Mar. Why then, truly, sir, in so terrible a si. Lap. Ah, sir! let me alone to drain a man: I tuation, I think the sooner you give up the cause have the secret to open his heart and his purse the better.
Fred. No, madam, I am resolved to persevere; Ram. I defy you to drain the man we talk of for when one's whole happiness is already at of his money; he loves that more than any thing stake, I see nothing more can be hazarded in the you can procure him in exchange: The very sight pursuit. It might be perhaps a person's interest of a dun throws him into convulsions ; 'tis touchto give up a cause wherein part of his fortune ing him in the only sensible part; 'tis piercing was concerned, but when the dispute is about his heart, tearing out his vitals, to ask him for a the whole, he can never lose by persevering. farthing: but here he is, and if you get a shil
Mur. Do you hear him, Harriet? I fancy this ling out of him, I'll marry you without any other brother of yours would have made a most excel fortune.
[Exit. lent lawyer. I protest, when he is my son in-law, I'll send him to the Temple: though he begins a
Enter LOVEGOLD. little late, yet diligence may bring him to be a Lote. All's well hitherto : my dear money is great man.
safe.—Is it you, Lappet? Fred. I hope, madam, diligence may succeed Lap. I should rather ask if it be you, sir? in love as well as law: Sure Mariana is not a Why, you look so young and vigorousmore crabbed study than Coke upon Lyttleton! Love. Do I, do I!
Mar. Oh, the wretch! he has quite suffocated Lap. Why, you grow younger and younger me with his comparison: I must have a little air : every day, sir : you never look'd half so young Dear Harriet ! let us walk in the garden. in your life, sir, as you do now. Why, sir, I
Fred. I hope, madam, I have your leave to at- know fifty young fellows of five-and-twenty that tend
are older than you are. Mar. My leave! No, indeed, you
have no leave Love. That may be, that may be, Lappet, conof mine ; but if you will follow me, I know no sidering the lives they lead; and yet I am a good way to hinder you.
(E.reunt. ten years above fifty. Har. Ah, brother, I wish you had no greater Lup. Well, and-what's ten years above fifty? enemy in this affair than your mistress. [Exit. 'tis the very flower of a man's age. Why, sir,
you are now in the very prime of your life. SCENE III.- A Garden.
Love. Very true, that's very true, as to under
standing; but I am afraid, could I take off twenty Enter RAMILIE and LAPPET.
years, it would do me no harm with the ladies, Lap. This was indeed a most unlucky acci- | Lappet.—How goes on our affair with Mariana ? dent: however, I dare lay a wager I shall suc Have you mentioned any thing about what her
mother can give her for now-a-days nobody, people, and loves none but persons of your years marries a woman unless she brings something I would advise you above all things to take care with her besides her petticoat
pot to appear too young; she insists on sixty at Lap. Sir! Why, sir, this young lady will be least: Why, she broke off a match t’other day worth to you as good a thousand pounds a-year because her lover was but fifty, and pretended ta as ever was told.
sign the marriage articles without spectacles. Love. How! a thousand pounds a year! Loe. This humour is a little strange, me
Lup. Yes, sir. There's, in the first place, the thinks. article of a table: she has a very little stomach ; Lap. She carries it farther, sir, than can be she does not eat above an ounce in a fortnight; imagined. She has in her chamber several picand then, as to the quality of what she eats, you'll | tures, but what do you think they are. None of have no need of a Fre: ch'cook upon her account: your smoke-faced young fellows; your Adonises, as for sweet-meats, she mortally hates them; so your Cephaluses, your Parises, and your Apollos: there is the article of deserts wiped off all at once No, sir; you see nothing there but your hand-you'll have no need of a confectioner, who some figures of Saturn, King Priam, old Nestor, would be eternally bringing in bills for preserves, and good father Anchises upon his son's shoulconserves, biscuits, comfits, and jellies, of which ders. half-a-dozen ladies would swallow you ten pounds Love. Admirable! This is more than I could worth at a meal : this, I think, we may very mo have hoped. To say the truth, had I been a wo derately reckon at two hundred pounds a-year at man, I should never have loved young fellows. least. Item, for clothes : she has been bred up Lup. I believe you. Pretty sort of stuff inin such a plainness in them, that should we als deed to be in love with, young fellows! Pretty low but for three birth-night suits a-year saved, masters indeed, with their fine complexions and which are the least a town lady would expect, their fine feathers ! Now, I should be glad to there go a good two hundred pounds a year more. taste the savour that is in any of them For jewels, (of which she hates the very sight,)
(Here LAPPET introduces a song. the yearly interest of what you must lay out in Love. And do you really think me pretty tothem would amount to one hundred pounds. lerable? Lastly, she has an utter detestation for play, at Lup. Tolerable! You are ravishing! If your whicħ I have known several moderate ladies lose picture were drawn by a good hand, sir, it would a good two thousand pounds a-year; now let invaluable! Turn about a little, if you please. us take only the fourth part of that, which There, what can be more charming! Let me see amounts to five hundred, to which if we add two you walk. There's a person for you! tall, straight, hundred pounds on the table account, two hun free, and degagee! Why, sir, you have no fault dred pounds in clothes, and one hundred pounds about you. in jewels, there is, sir, your thousand pounds a Love. Not many; hem, hem; not many, I year in hard money.
thank Heaven ; only a few rheumatic pains now Love. Ay, ay,
these are pretty things, it must and then, and a small catarrh, that seizes me some be confess'd. very pretty things; but there's no times. thing real in 'em.
Lup. Ah, sir, that's nothing: your catarrh sits Lap. How, sir! is it not something real to very well upon you, and you cough with a very bring you in marriage a vast store of sobriety, good grace. the inheritance of a great love for simplicity of Love. But tell me, what does Mariana say of dress, and a vast acquired fund of hatred for my person?
Lup. She has a particular pleasure in talking Lode. This is downright raillery, Lappet, to of it; and I assure you, sir, I have not been make me up a fortune out of the expences she backward on all such occasions to blazon forth won't put me to. I assure you, madam, I shall your merit, and to make her sensible how adgive no acquittance for what I have not received: vantageous a match you will be to her. in short, Lappet, I must touch, touch, touch some Love. You did very well, and I am obliged to thing real.
you. Lap. Never fear: you shall touch something Lap. But, sir, I have a small favour to ask of real. I have heard them talk of a certain coun- you.—1 have a lawsuit depending, which I am on try where she has a very pretty freehold, which the very brink of losing for want of a little mo shall be put into your hands.
ney; (He looks gravely) and you could easily Lore. Nay, if it were a copyhold I should be procure my success, if you had the least friendglad to touch it; but there is another thing that ship for me. You cann't imagine, sir, the pleadisturbs me. You know this girl is young, and sure she takes in talking of you. (He looks picayoung people generally love one another's com- sed.] — Ah! how you will delight her! how pany: it would ill agree with a person of my your venerable mien will charm her! she will temper to keep an assembly for all the young never be able to withstand you.—But indeed, rakes and faunting girls in town.
sir, this lawsuit will be of a terrible consequence Lup. Ah, sir, how little do you know of her! to me. (He looks gruve again.) I am ruined if I This is another particularity that I had to tell you lose it, which a very small matter would prevent. of: She has a most terrible aversion for all young | Ah, sír, had you but seen the raptures with