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which she has heard me talk of you! (He resumes his gaiely :) how pleasure sparkled in her eyes at the recital of your good qualities ! In short, to discover a secret to you which I promised to conceal, I have worked up her imagination till she is downright impatient of having the match concluded.
Lore. Lappet, you have acted a very friendly part ; and I own that I have all the obligations in the world to you.
Lap. I beg you would give me this little assistance, sir. (He looks serious.] It will set me on my feet, and I shall be eternally obliged to you. Love. Farewell ; I'll go and finish my dispatches.
Lap. I assure you, sir, you could never assist * me in a greater necessity.
Lime. I must go give some orders about a par1. ticular affair.
Lup. I would not importune you, sir, if I was But not forced by the last extremity.
Love. I expect the tailor about turning my coat. -Don't you think this coat will look well enough w turn’d, with new buttons, for a wedding-suit?
Lap. For pity's sake, sir, don't refuse me this small favour: I shall be undone, indeed, sir :-If it were but so small a matter as ten pounds, sir.
Love. I think I hear the tailor's voice.
Lap. If it were but five pounds, sir; but three pounds, sir : nay, sir, a single guinea would be of service for a day or two.
(As he offers to go out on either side she in
tercepts him. Love. I must go : I cann't stay. Hark, there somebody calls me.- I'm very much obliged to you; indeed I am very much obliged to you.
[Exit. Lap. Go to the gallows, to the devil, like a covetous, good-for-nothing villain, as you are! Ramilie is in the right: However, I shall not quit the affair ; for though I get nothing out of him, I am sure of my reward from the other side.
Fools only to one party will confide,
Love. Come hither, Harriet: you know to-night SCENE I-Continues.
I have invited our friend and neighbour Mr Spin
dle. Now I intend to take this opportunity of Enter HARRIET, FREDERICK, and CLERIMONT.
saving the expence of another entertainment, by Fred. I think, sir, you have given my sister a inviting Mariana and her mother; for I observe very substantial proof of your affection. I am that, take what care one will, there is always more sorry you could have had such a suspicion of me victuals provided on these occasions than is ate; as to imagine I could have been an enemy to one and an additional guest makes no additional exwho has approved himself a gentleman and a lo- pence.
Gler. Very true, sir; besides, though they were Cler. If any thing, sir, could add to my mis to rise hungry, no one ever calls for more at anofortunes, it would be to be thus obliged without ther person's table. having any prospect of repaying the obligation. Love. Right, honest Clerimont, and to rise with
Fred. Every word you speak is a farther con an appetite is one of the wholesomest things in the viction to ine that you are what you have decla- world. Harriet, I would have you go immediatered yourself; for there is something in a generously and carry the invitation : you may walk thither, education which it is impossible for persons who and they will bring you back in a coach. want that happiness to counterfeit; therefore Hur. I shall obey you, sir henceforth I beg you to believe me sincerely your Love. Go; that's my good girl. And you, sir,
I desire would behave yourself civilly at supper. Hur. Come, come, pray a truce with your com Fred. Why should you suspect me, sir? pliments, for I hear my father's cough coming Love. I know, sir, with what eyes such sparks
look upon a mother-in-law; but if you
hope for my forgiveness of your late exploit, I Enter LOVEGOLD.
would advise you to behave to her in the most Love. So, so, this is just as I would have it.- affectionate manner imaginable. Let me tell you, children, this is a prudent young Fred. I cannot promise, sir, to be overjoy'd at man, and you cannot converse too much with her being my mother-in-law; but this I will prohim : he will teach you, sir, for all you hold your mise you, I will be as civil to her as you could head so high, better sense than to borrow money wish : I will behold her with as much affection as at fifty per cent : And you, madam, I dare say you can desire me that is an article upon which he will infuse good things into you too, if you you may be sure of a most punctual obedience. will but hearken to him.
Love. That I think is the least I can expect.. Fred
. While you live, sir, we shall want no Fred. Sir, you shall have no reason to comother instructor.
Love. (Putting his hand before JAMES's mouth! Enter JAMES.
Ah, villain ! you are eating up all I am worth. James. Did you send for me, sir?
James. Then a ragout Love. Where have you been, for I have want Love. (Stopping his month again.) Hold your ed you above an hour?
extravagant tongue, sirralı. Jumes. Whom, sir, did you want? your coach Cler. Have you a mind to burst them all? man or your cook ? for I am both one and t’other. Has my master invited people to cram 'em to Love. I want my cook, sir.
death ; or do you think his friends have a mind James. I thought indeed it was not your conch to eat him up at one supper? Such servants as man; for you have had no great occasion for him
you, Mr James, should be often reminded of that since your last pair of geldings were starved—but excellent saying of a very wise man,—we must eat your cook, sir, shall wait on you in an instant. to live, not live to eat. (Puts off his coachman's great coat, and appears Love. Excellently well said, indeed! It is the as a cook.
finest sentence I ever heard in my life:- We Love. What's the meaning of this folly? must live to eat, and not eat to—No, that is not Jumes. I am ready for your commands, sir. it :-How did you say?
Love. I am engaged this evening to give a sup Cler. That we must eat to live, and not live to per.
eat. Jumes. A supper, sir! I have not heard the Love. Extremely fine ! Pray write them out word this half year: I have indeed now and then for me, for I'm resolv'd to have them done in heard of such a thing as a dinner ; but for a sup- letters of gold, or black and white rather, over my per, I bave not dress'd one so long, that I am hall chimney. afraid my hand is out.
James. You have no need to do any more, sir: Love. Leave off your saucy jesting, sirrah, and people talk enough of you already. see that you provide me a good supper.
Love. Pray, sir, what do people say of me? Jumes. That may be done, sir, with a good deal James. Ah, sir! if I could but be assur'd that of money.
you would not be angry with meLove. What, is the devil in you? always mo Love. Not at all : so far from it, you will very ney. Can you say nothing else but money, mo much oblige me ; for I am always very glad to ney, money? All my servants, my children, my hear what the world says of me. relations, can pronounce no other word than
James. Well, sir, then, since you will have it, I money.
will tell you freely that they make a jest of you Cler. I never heard so ridiculous an answer. every where, nay, of your very servants, upon your Here's a miracle or you indeed, to make a good account. They make ten thousand stories of supper
with a good deal of money! Is there any yon. One says that you have always a quarrel thing so easy? Is there any one who cann't do it? ready with your servants at quarter-day, or when Would a man shew himself to be a good cook, they leave you, in order to find an excuse to give he must make a good supper out of a little mo them nothing: another says that you were taney.
ken one night stealing your own oats from your James. I wish you would be so good, sir, as to own horses, for which your coachman very hand. shew is that art, and take my office of cook upon somely belaboured your back :-In a word, sir, one yourself.
can go no where where you are not the by-word: Love. Peace, sirrah, and tell me what we can you are the laughing-stock of all the world: and bave.
you are never mentioned but by the names of coJames. There's a gentleman, sir, who can sur- vetous, scraping, stingynish you out a good supper with a little money. Love. Impertinent, impudent rascal! Beat him Love. Answer me yourself.
for me, Clerimont. Jumes. Why, sir, how many will there be at Cler. Are you not asham’d, Mr James, to give table ?
your master this language? Love. About eight or ten; but I will have a James. What's that to you, sir?-I fancy this supper dress'd but for eight; for if there be fellow's a coward : if he be, I will handle him. enough for eight there is enough for ten.
Cler. It does not become a servant to use such James. Suppose, sir, you have at one end of the language to his master. table a good handsome soup; at the other a fine James. Who taught you, sir, what becomes? Westphalia ham and chickens; on one side a fil. If you trouble your head with my business I shall let of veal roasted, and on the other a turkey, or thresh your jacket for you. If I once take a stick rather a bustard, which I believe may be bought in hand I shall teach you to hold for a guinea, or thereabouts.
the future, I believe. If you offer to say
another Lore. What! is the fellow providing an enter word to me I'll break your head for you. tainment for my lord-mayor and the court of al [Drives CLERIMONT to the farther end of the dermen?
stage. James. Then, sir, for the second course, a leash Cler. How, rascal ! break my head ! of pheasants, a leash of fat poulards, half-a-dozen Janies. I did not say I'd break your head. partridges, one dozen of quails, two dozen of or
(CLERMONT drives hini back again. tolans, three dozen
your tongue for
Cler. Do you know, sirrah, that I shall break Lap. Why, truly, when one considers the case er yours for this impudence?
thoroughly, I must be of opinion that it would be James. I hope not, sir : I give you no offence, more your master's interest to be this lady's son
in-law than her husband; for, in the first place, Cler. That I shall shew you the difference be- she has but little fortune; and if she were once tween us?
married to his son, I dare swear the old gentleJames. Ha, ha, ha! Sir, I was but in jest. man would never forgive the disappointment of
Cler. Then I shall warn you to forbear these his love. jests for the future. (Kicks him off the stage Ram. And is the old gentleman in love?
James. Nay, sir, cann't you take a jest? Why, I Lap. Oh, profoundly! delightfully! Oh that was but in jest all the while.
you had but seen him as I have; with his feet Love. How happy am I in such a clerk ! tottering, his eyes watering, his teeth chattering!
Cler. You may leave the ordering of the supper his old trunk was shaken with a fit of love, just as to me, sir: I will take care of that.
if it had been a fit of an ague ! Love. Do so : see and provide something to Rum. He will have more cold fits than hot, I cloy their stomachs : let there be two great dishes believe. of soup-meagre; a good large suet-pudding; some Lap. Is it not more advantageous for him to dainty fat pork pie
or pasty; a fine small breast have a mother-in-law that should open his father's of mutton, not too fat; a sallad, and a dish of lieart to him, than a wife that would shut it against artichokes, which will make plenty and variety him? Besides, it will be better for us all; for if enough.
the husband were as covetous as the devil, he Cler. I shall take a particular care, sir, to pro- could not stop the hands of an extravagant wife: vide every thing to your satisfaction.
she will always have it in her power to reward Love. But be sure there be plenty of soup, be them who keep her secrets; and when the hussure of that.—This is a most excellent young fel- band is old enough to be the wife's grandfather, low !—But now will I go pay a visit to my money. she has always secrets that are worth concealing,
(Exeunt. take my word for it; so, faith, I will e'en set
about that in carnest which I have hitherto inSCENE II.- The Street.
tended only as a jest.
Rum. But do you think you can prevail witle RAMILIE and LAPPET meeting.
her? Will she not be apt to think she loses that Ram. Well, madam, what success? Have I by the exchange which he cannot make her been a false prophet, and have you come at the amends for? old hunks's purse; or have I spoke like an oracle, Lap. Ah, Ramilie ! the difficulty is not so great and he is as close-fisted as usual?
to persuade a woman to follow her interest : We Lap. Never was a person of my function so generally have that more at heart than you men used : All my rhetoric availed nothing. While I imagine ; besides, we are extremely apt to listen was talking to him about the lady, he smiled and to one another; and whether you would lead a was pleased, but the moment I mentioned money woman to ruin, or preserve her from it, the surest to him, his countenance changed, and he under way of doing either is by one of her own sex : stood not one word that I said. But now, Ra- We are generally decoyed into the net by birds milie, what do you think this affair is that I am of our own feather. transacting?
Ram. Well, if you do succeed in your underRam. Nay, Mrs Lappet, now you are putting taking, you will allow this, I hope,—that I first put too severe a task upon me. How is it possible, it into your
head. in the vast variety of affairs which you honour Lap: Yes, it is true you did mention it first; with taking into your hands, that I should be able but I thought of it first, I am sure: I must have to guess which is so happy to employ your imme- thought of it: but I will not lose a moment's diate thoughts?
time; for, notwithstanding all I have said, young Lap. Let me tell you then, sweet sir ! that I fellows are devils : besides
, this has a most plautransacting an affair between your master's sible tongue, and should he get access to Mariana, mistress and his father.
may do in a few minutes what I shall never be Ram. What affair, pr’ythee?
able to undo as long as I live.
(Exit. Lup. What should it be but the old one,-ma Ram. There goes the glory of all chamber-maids. trimony ? In short, your master and his father
are The jade has art, but is quite overshadow'd by
her vanity. She will get the better of every one Ram. I am glad on't, and I wish the old gen- but the person who will condescend to praise her; success with all my heart.
for though she be a most mercenary devil, she Lap. How are you your master's enemy? will swallow no bribe half so eagerly as flattery. Ram. No, madam, I am so much his friend that | The same pride which warms her fancy serves I had rather he should lose his mistress than his to cool her appetites, and therefore, though she hunoble
servant, which must be the case ; for I am have neither virtue nor beauty, her vanity gives determined against a married family. I will never
her both. And this is my mistress, with a pox servant to any man who is not his own master. to her! Pray, what am I in love with ? But that
is a question so few lovers can answer, that I power of Fortune: that is the lovely mark to which shall content myself with thinking I am in love all my ambition tends ; there is nothing which I with le je ne sçai quoi :-Match her who can. am not capable of undertaking to attain so great
(Exit. a blessing; all difficulties, when you are the prize
in pursuit SCENE III.-LOVEGOLD's House.
Love. Hold, hold, sir! softly, if you please!
Fred. I am only saying a few civil things, sir, Enter LOVEGOLD, FREDERICK, HARRIET, Mrs
for you to this lady. WISELY, and MARIANA.
Love. Your humble servant, sir! I have : Love. You see, madam, what it is to marry ex- tongue to say civil things with myself: I have no tremely young : Here are a couple of tall branches need of such an interpreter as you are, sweet sir! for you, almost the age of man and woman: but Mar. If your father could not speak better for ill weeds grow apace.
himself than his son can for him, I am afraid be Mrs Wise. When children come to their age, would meet with little success. Mr Lovegold, they are no longer any trouble to Love. I don't ask you, ladies, to drink any wine their parents. What I have always dreaded was before supper, lest it should spoil your stomacis. to have married into a family where there were Fred. I have taken the liberty to order sonte small children.
sweet-meats, sir, and tokay, in the next room :Love. Pray give me leave, young lady: I have I hope the ladies will excuse what is wanting. been told you have no great aversion to specta Mrs Wise. There was no necessity for such a cles : it is not that your charms do not sufficient collation. ly strike the naked eye, or that they want addi Fred. (To MARIANA.] Did you ever see, mation; but it is with glasses we look at the stars; dam, so fine a brilliant as that on my father's finand I'll maintain you are a star of beauty, that is, the finest, brightest, and most glorious of all stars. Mar. It seems indeed to be a very fine one.
Mar. Harriet, I shall certainly burst. -Oh! Fred. You cannot judge of it, madam, unless nauseous, filthy fellow!
you were to see it nearer. If you will give me Love. What does she say to you, Harriet ? leave, sir. (Takes it off from his father's finger,
Har. She says, sir, if she were a star, you and gives it to MARIANA.] There is no seeing should be sure of her kindest influence.
a jewel while it is on the finger. Love. How can I return this great honour you Mrs Wise. Mar. It is really a prodigious fine do me?
Mar. Ah! what an animal ! what a wretch ! Fred. (Preventing MARIANA, who is going to
Love. How vastly am I obliged to you for these return it.] No, madam, it is already in the best kind sentiments!
hands. My father, madam, intends it as a preMar. I shall never be able to hold it out, un sent to you, therefore I hope you will accept it. less you keep him at a greater distance.
Love. Present! I! Love. [ Listening.) I shall make them both Fred. Is it not; sir, your request to this lady keep their distance, madam. Hark'e, you Mr that she should wear this bauble for your sake? Spendall
, why don't you come and make this lady Love. (To his Son.) Is the devil in you? some acknowledgment for the great honour she Fred. He makes signs to me that I would endoes your father?
treat you to accept it. Fred. My father has indeed, madam, much rea Mür. I shall not, upon my word. son to be vain of his choice: You will be doubt Fred. He will not receive it again. less a very great honour to our family: notwith Love. I shall run stark staring mad! standing which, I cannot dissemble my real senti Alar. I must insist on returning it. ments so far as to counterfeit any joy I shall have Fred. It would be cruel in you to refuse him: in the name of son-in-law; nor can I help saying, let me entreat you, madam, not to shock my poor that, if it were in my power, I believe I should father to such a degree. make no scruple of preventing the match.
Mrs lVise. It is ill-breeding, child, to refuse so Mar. I believe it indeed : were they to ask the often. leave of their children, few parents would marry Love. Oh, that the devil would but fly away. twice.
with this fellow ! Love. Why, you ill-bred blockhead, is that the Fred. See, madam, what agonies he is in lest compliment you make your mother-in-law? you should return it. - It is not my fault, dear Fred. Well
, sir, since you will have me talk in šir! I do all I can to prevail with her—but she another style-Suffer me, madam, to put myself is obstinate. -For pity's sake, madam, keep it. in the place of my father; and believe me when Love. (To his Son.] Infernal villain! I swear to you I never saw any one balt so chaim Fred. My father will never forgive me, madam, ing; that I can imagine no happiness equal to that unless I succeed:-On my knees I enue.it you. of pleasing you; that to be called your husband Love. The cut-throat ! would be to my ears a title more blest, more glo Mrs Wise. Daughter, I protest you make me rious than that of the greatest of princes. The ashamed of you. Come, come, put up the rings possession of you is the most valuable gift in the since Mr Lovegold is so uneasy about it..
Mar. Your commands, madam, always deter- say against him: and if you were to praise a permine me, and I shall refuse no longer.
son for a whole hour, and end with,—But he is Love. I shall be undone! I wish I was buried poor, you overthrow all that you have said; for while I have one farthing left.
it has long been an established maxim, that he
who is rich can have no vice, and he that is poor Enter JAMES.
can have no virtue. James. Sir, there is a man at the door who de. Fred. These principles are foreign to the real sires to speak with you.
sentiments of Mariana's heart. I vow, did you · Love. Tell him I am busy bid him come but know how ill a counterfeit you are, how awkanother timebid him leave his business with wardly ill nature sits upon you, you'd never wear you.
it. There is not one so abandoned but that she James
. Must he leave the money he has brought can affect what is amiable better than you can with me, sir?
[Erit JAMES. what is odious. Nature has painted in you the Love. No, no, stay-tell him I come this in- complexion of virtue in such lively colours, that stant. I ask pardon, ladies ; I'll wait on you nothing but what is lovely can suit you, or appear again immediately.
[:Exit. your own. F'red. Will you please, ladies, to walk into the next room, and taste the collation I was men
Enter HARRIET. tioning?
Har. I left your mamma, Mariana, with Me Mar. I have ate too much fruit already this Clerimont, who is shewing her some pictures in afternoon.
the gallery.-Well, have you told him? Mrs Wise. Really, sir, this is an unnecessary Mar. Told him what ? trouble; but since the tokay is provided, I will Har. Why, what you told me this afternoon, taste one glass.
that you loved him. Hur. I'll wait on you, madam.
Mar. I tell you I loved him!-Oh, barbarous (Ereunt Mrs WISELY and HARRIET. falsehood! Mar. That is a mighty pretty picture over the Fred. Did you ? could you say so? Oh, redoor, Harriet: Is it a family-piece, my dear? I peat it to my face, and make me bless'd to that think it has a great deal of you in it: Are you degree ! not generally thought very like it?-Hey-day! Hur. Repeat it to him, cann't you? How can where is my mamma and your sister gone? you be so ill natured to conceal any thing from
Fred. They thought, madam, we might have another which would make him happy to know? some business together, and so were willing to Mar. The lie would choke me, were I to say leave us alone.
Mar. Did they so ? But as we happen to have Har. Indeed, my dear, you have said you hano business together, we may as well follow them. ted him so often, that you need not fear that.
Fred. When a lover has no other obstacles to But if she will not discover it to yourself, take surmount but those his mistress throws in his my word for it, brother, she is your own without way, she is in the right not to become too easy a any possibility of losing: she is full as fond of conquest ; but were you as kind as I could wish, you as you are of her. I hate this peevish, foolmy father would still prove a sufficient bar to our ish coyness in women, who will suffer a worthy happiness ; therefore it is a double cruelty in you. lover to languish and despair, when they need
Mur. Our happiness! How came your happi- only put themselves to the pain of telling truth ness and mine to depend so on one another, to make him easy: pray, when that of the mother and son-in-law are Mar. Give me leave to tell you, Miss Harriet, usually so very opposite ?
this is a treatment I did not expect from you, esFred. This is keeping up the play behind the pecially in your own house, madam. I did not curtain. Your kindness to him comes from the imagine I was invited hither to be betrayed, and same spring as your cruelty to me.
that you had entered into a plot with your broMar. Modest enough! Then I suppose you ther against my reputation. * think both fictitious.
Har. We form a plot against your reputation ! Pred. Paith, to be sincere, I do. Without ar. I wish you could see, my dear, how pretiily these rogance, I think I have nothing in me so detest- airs become you-take iny word for it, you would able as should make you deaf to all I say, or have no reason to be in love with your fancy. blind to all I suffer. This I am certain, there is Mar. I should indeed have no reason to be in nothing in him so charming as to captivate a wo love with my fancy, if it were fixed where you man of your sense in a moment.
have insinuated it to be placed Mar. You are mistaken, sir: money, money, Har. If you have any reason, madam, to be the most charming of all things ; money, which ashamed of your choice, it is from denying it. will say more in one moment than the most My brother is every way worthy of you, madam; eloquent lover can in years. Perhaps you will and give me leave to tell you, if I can prevent it, say a man is not young; I answer he is rich: he you shall not render him as ridicubus to the is not genteel, handsome, witty, brave, good-hu- 1 town as you have some other of your adinirers. moured; but he is rich, rich, rich, rich, rich Fred. Dear Harriet! carry it no farther : you that one word contradicts every thing you can will ruin me for ever with her.