which she has heard me talk of you! [He resumes his gaiety;] how pleasure sparkled in her eyes at the recital of your good qualities! In short, to discover a secret to you which I promised to conceal, I have worked up her imagination till she is downright impatient of having the match concluded. Love. Lappet, you have acted a very friendly : part; and I own that I have all the obligations in the world to you. Lap. I beg you would give me this little assistance, sir. [He looks serious.] It will set me on |_ my feet, and I shall be eternally obliged to you. Love. Farewell; I'll go and finish my dispatches. Lap. I assure you, sir, you could never assist Ime in a greater necessity. Lone. I must go give some orders about a particular affair. Lup. I would not importune you, sir, if I was not forced by the last extremity. Love. I expect the tailor about turning my coat. -Don't you think this coat will look well enough turn'd, with new buttons, for a wedding-suit? Lap. For pity's sake, sir, don't refuse me this small favour: I shall be undone, indeed, sir :—If it were but so small a matter as ten pounds, sir. Love. I think I hear the tailor's voice. Lap. If it were but five pounds, sir; but three pounds, sir: nay, sir, a single guinea would be of service for a day or two. [As he offers to go out on either side she intercepts him. Love. I must go: I cann't stay. Hark, there somebody calls me.-I'm very much obliged to you; indeed I am very much obliged to you. [Exit. Lap. Go to the gallows, to the devil, like a covetous, good-for-nothing villain, as you are! Ramilie is in the right: However, I shall not quit the affair; for though I get nothing out of him, I am sure of my reward from the other side. Fools only to one party will confide, SCENE I-Continues. ACT III. Enter Harriet, FREDERICK, and CLERIMONT. Fred. I think, sir, you have given my sister a very substantial proof of your affection. I am sorry you could have had such a suspicion of me as to imagine I could have been an enemy to one who has approved himself a gentleman and a lo ver. Cler. If any thing, sir, could add to my misfortunes, it would be to be thus obliged without having any prospect of repaying the obligation. Love. Come hither, Harriet: you know to-night I have invited our friend and neighbour Mr Spindle. Now I intend to take this opportunity of saving the expence of another entertainment, by inviting Mariana and her mother; for I observe that, take what care one will, there is always more victuals provided on these occasions than is ate; and an additional guest makes no additional expence. Cler. Very true, sir; besides, though they were to rise hungry, no one ever calls for more at another person's table. Love. Right, honest Clerimont, and to rise with an appetite is one of the wholesomest things in the world. Harriet, I would have you go immediateand carry the invitation: you may walk thither, and they will bring you back in a coach. Hur. I shall obey you, sir Fred. Every word you speak is a farther conviction to me that you are what you have decla- | red yourself; for there is something in a generously education which it is impossible for persons who want that happiness to counterfeit; therefore henceforth I beg you to believe me sincerely your friend. Hur. Come, come, pray a truce with your compliments, for I hear my father's cough coming this way. Enter LOVEGOLD. Love. So, so, this is just as I would have it. Let me tell you, children, this is a prudent young man, and you cannot converse too much with him he will teach you, sir, for all you hold your head so high, better sense than to borrow money at fifty per cent: And you, madam, I dare say he will infuse good things into you too, if you will but hearken to him. Fred. While you live, sir, we shall want no ●ther instructor. Love. Go; that's my good girl. And you, sir, I desire would behave yourself civilly at supper. Fred. Why should you suspect me, sir? Love. I know, sir, with what eyes such sparks as you look upon a mother-in-law; but if you hope for my forgiveness of your late exploit, I would advise you to behave to her in the most affectionate manner imaginable. Fred. I cannot promise, sir, to be overjoy'd at her being my mother-in-law; but this I will promise you, I will be as civil to her as you could wish: 1-will behold her with as much affection as you can desire me that is an article upon which you may be sure of a most punctual obedience. Love. That I think is the least I can expect. Fred. Sir, you shall have no reason to complain. Enter JAMES. James. Did you send for me, sir? Love. Where have you been, for I have wanted you above an hour? Jumes. Whom, sir, did you want? your coachman or your cook? for I am both one and t'other. Love. I want my cook, sir. James. I thought indeed it was not your coachman; for you have had no great occasion for him since your last pair of geldings were starved-but your cook, sir, shall wait on you in an instant. [Puts off his coachman's great coat, and appears as a cook. Love. What's the meaning of this folly? James. I am ready for your commands, sir. Love. I am engaged this evening to give a supper. James. A supper, sir! I have not heard the word this half year: I have indeed now and then heard of such a thing as a dinner; but for a supper, I have not dress'd one so long, that I am afraid my hand is out. Love. Leave off your saucy jesting, sirrah, and see that you provide me a good supper. Jumes. That may be done, sir, with a good deal of money. Love. What, is the devil in you? always money. Can you say nothing else but money, money, money? All my servants, my children, my relations, can pronounce no other word than ney. James. I wish you would be so good, sir, as to shew us that art, and take my office of cook upon yourself. Love. Peace, sirrah, and tell me what we can have. James. There's a gentleman, sir, who can furnish you out a good supper with a little money. Love. Answer me yourself. Jumes. Why, sir, how many will there be at table? Love. About eight or ten; but I will have a supper dress'd but for eight; for if there be enough for eight there is enough for ten. James. Suppose, sir, you have at one end of the table a good handsome soup; at the other a fine Westphalia ham and chickens; on one side a fillet of veal roasted, and on the other a turkey, or rather a bustard, which I believe may be bought for a guinea, or thereabouts. Love. What! is the fellow providing an entertainment for my lord-mayor and the court of aldermen? James. Then, sir, for the second course, a leash of pheasants, a leash of fat poulards, half-a-dozen partridges, one dozen of quails, two dozen of ortolans, three dozen Love. [Putting his hand before JAMES's mouth) Ah, villain! you are eating up all I am worth. James. Then a ragout→ Love. [Stopping his month again.] Hold your extravagant tongue, sirrah. Cler. Have you a mind to burst them all? Has my master invited people to cram 'em to death; or do you think his friends have a mind to eat him up at one supper? Such servants as you, Mr James, should be often reminded of that excellent saying of a very wise man,—we must eat to live, not live to eat. Love. Excellently well said, indeed! It is the finest sentence I ever heard in my life:-We must live to eat, and not eat to-No, that is not it:-How did you say? Cler. That we must eat to live, and not live to eat. Love. Extremely fine! Pray write them out for me, for I'm resolv'd to have them done in letters of gold, or black and white rather, over my hall chimney. James. You have no need to do any more, sir: people talk enough of you already. Love. Pray, sir, what do people say of me? James. Ah, sir! if I could but be assur'd that would not be angry with me you Love. Not at all: so far from it, you will very much oblige me; for I am always very glad to hear what the world says of me. James. Well, sir, then, since you will have it, I will tell you freely that they make a jest of you every where, nay, of your very servants, upon your account. They make ten thousand stories of you. One says that you have always a quarrel ready with your servants at quarter-day, or when they leave you, in order to find an excuse to give them nothing: another says that you were taken one night stealing your own oats from your own horses, for which your coachman very handsomely belaboured your back :-In a word, sir, one can go no where where you are not the by-word: you are the laughing-stock of all the world: and you are never mentioned but by the names of covetous, scraping, stingy Love. Impertinent, impudent rascal! Beat him for me, Clerimont. Cler. Are you not asham'd, Mr James, to give your master this language? James. What's that to you, sir?-I fancy this fellow's a coward: if he be, I will handle him. Cler. It does not become a servant to use such language to his master. James. Who taught you, sir, what becomes? If you trouble your head with my business I shall thresh your jacket for you. If I once take a stick in hand I shall teach you to hold your tongue for the future, I believe. If you offer to say another word to me I'll break your head for you. [Drives CLERIMONT to the farther end of the stage. Cler. How, rascal! break my head! [CLERIMONT drives him back again. P t Cler. Do you know, sirrah, that I shall break yours for this impudence? James. I hope not, sir: I give you no offence, igir. Cler. That I shall shew you the difference between us? James. Ha, ha, ha! Sir, I was but in jest. Cler. Then I shall warn you to forbear these jests for the future. [Kicks him off the stage James. Nay, sir, cann't you take a jest? Why, I was but in jest all the while. Love. How happy am I in such a clerk! Cler. You may leave the ordering of the supper to me, sir: I will take care of that. Love. Do so: see and provide something to cloy their stomachs : let there be two great dishes of soup-meagre; a good large suet-pudding; some dainty fat pork pie or pasty; a fine small breast of mutton, not too fat; a sallad, and a dish of artichokes, which will make plenty and variety enough. Cler. I shall take a particular care, sir, to provide every thing to your satisfaction. Lup. Why, truly, when one considers the case thoroughly, I must be of opinion that it would be more your master's interest to be this lady's sonin-law than her husband; for, in the first place, she has but little fortune; and if she were once married to his son, I dare swear the old gentleman would never forgive the disappointment of his love. Ram. And is the old gentleman in love? Lap. Oh, profoundly! delightfully! Oh that you had but seen him as I have; with his feet tottering, his eyes watering, his teeth chattering! his old trunk was shaken with a fit of love, just as if it had been a fit of an ague! Ram. He will have more cold fits than hot, I believe. Lap. Is it not more advantageous for him to have a mother-in-law that should open his father's heart to him, than a wife that would shut it against him? Besides, it will be better for us all; for if the husband were as covetous as the devil, he could not stop the hands of an extravagant wife: she will always have it in her power to reward them who keep her secrets; and when the husfel-band is old enough to be the wife's grandfather, she has always secrets that are worth concealing, take my word for it; so, faith, I will e'en set about that in earnest which I have hitherto intended only as a jest. Love. But be sure there be plenty of soup, be sure of that.-This is a most excellent young low!-But now will I go pay a visit to my money. [Exeunt. SCENE II.-The Street. RAMILIE and LAPPET meeting. Ram. Well, madam, what success? Have I been a false prophet, and have you come at the old hunks's purse; or have I spoke like an oracle, and he is as close-fisted as usual? Lap. Never was a person of my function so used: All my rhetoric availed nothing. While I was talking to him about the lady, he smiled and was pleased, but the moment I mentioned money to him, his countenance changed, and he understood not one word that I said. But now, Ramilie, what do you think this affair is that I an transacting? am Ram. Nay, Mrs Lappet, now you are putting too severe a task upon me. How is it possible, in the vast variety of affairs which you honour with taking into your hands, that I should be able to guess which is so happy to employ your immediate thoughts? Lap. Let me tell you then, sweet sir! that I am transacting an affair between your master's mistress and his father. Ram. What affair, pr'ythee? Lap. What should it be but the old one,-matrimony? In short, your master and his father are rivals. Ram. I am glad on't, and I wish the old gentleman success with all my heart. Lap. How are you your master's enemy? Ram. No, madam, I am so much his friend that I had rather he should lose his mistress than his humble servant, which must be the case; for I am determined against a married family. I will never be servant to any man who is not his own master. Rum. But do you think you can prevail with her? Will she not be apt to think she loses that by the exchange which he cannot make her amends for? Lap. Ah, Ramilie! the difficulty is not so great to persuade a woman to follow her interest: We generally have that more at heart than you men imagine; besides, we are extremely apt to listen to one another; and whether you would lead a woman to ruin, or preserve her from it, the surest way of doing either is by one of her own sex: We are generally decoyed into the net by birds of our own feather. Ram. Well, if you do succeed in your undertaking, you will allow this, I hope,—that I first put it into your head. Lap. Yes, it is true you did mention it first; but I thought of it first, I am sure: I must have thought of it: but I will not lose a moment's time; for, notwithstanding all I have said, young fellows are devils: besides, this has a most plausible tongue, and should he get access to Mariana, may do in a few minutes what I shall never be able to undo as long as I live. [Exit. Ram. There goes the glory of all chamber-maids. The jade has art, but is quite overshadow'd by her vanity. She will get the better of every one but the person who will condescend to praise her; for though she be a most mercenary devil, she will swallow no bribe half so eagerly as flattery. The same pride which warms her fancy serves to cool her appetites, and therefore, though she have neither virtue nor beauty, her vanity gives her both. And this is my mistress, with a pox to her! Pray, what am I in love with? But that power of Fortune: that is the lovely mark to which Love. Hold, hold, sir! softly, if you please! Enter LOVEGOLD, FREDERICK, HARRIET, Mrs for you to this lady. Love. You see, madam, what it is to marry extremely young: Here are a couple of tall branches for you, almost the age of man and woman: but ill weeds grow apace. Mrs Wise. When children come to their age, Mr Lovegold, they are no longer any trouble to their parents. What I have always dreaded was to have married into a family where there were small children. Love. Pray give me leave, young lady: I have been told you have no great aversion to spectacles: it is not that your charms do not sufficiently strike the naked eye, or that they want addition; but it is with glasses we look at the stars; and I'll maintain you are a star of beauty, that is, the finest, brightest, and most glorious of all stars. Mar. Harriet, I shall certainly burst. -Oh! nauseous, filthy fellow! Love. What does she say to you, Harriet? Har. She says, sir, if she were a star, you should be sure of her kindest influence. Love. How can I return this great honour you do me? Mar. Ah! what an animal! what a wretch ! Love. How vastly am I obliged to you for these kind sentiments! Mar. I shall never be able to hold it out, unless you keep him at a greater distance. Love. [Listening.] I shall make them both keep their distance, madam. Hark'e, you Mr Spendall, why don't you come and make this lady some acknowledgment for the great honour she does your father? Fred. My father has indeed, madam, much reason to be vain of his choice: You will be doubtless a very great honour to our family: notwithstanding which, I cannot dissemble my real sentiments so far as to counterfeit any joy I shall have in the name of son-in-law; nor can I help saying, that, if it were in my power, I believe I should make no scruple of preventing the match. Mar. I believe it indeed: were they to ask the leave of their children, few parents would marry twice. Love. Why, you ill-bred blockhead, is that the compliment you make your mother-in-law? Fred. Well, sir, since you will have me talk in another style-Suffer me, madam, to put myself in the place of my father; and believe me when I swear to you I never saw any one half so charming; that I can imagine no happiness equal to that of pleasing you; that to be called your husband would be to my ears a title more blest, more glorious than that of the greatest of princes. The possession of you is the most valuable gift in the Love. Your humble servant, sir! I have a tongue to say civil things with myself: I have no need of such an interpreter as you are, sweet sir! Mar. If your father could not speak better for himself than his son can for him, I am afraid he would meet with little success. Love. I don't ask you, ladies, to drink any wine before supper, lest it should spoil your stomachs. Fred. I have taken the liberty to order some sweet-meats, sir, and tokay, in the next room:I hope the ladies will excuse what is wanting. Mrs Wise. There was no necessity for such a collation. Fred. [To MARIANA.] Did you ever see, madam, so fine a brilliant as that on my father's finger? Mar. It seems indeed to be a very fine one. Fred. You cannot judge of it, madam, unless you were to see it nearer. If you will give me leave, sir. [Takes it off from his father's finger, and gives it to MARIANA.] There is no seeing a jewel while it is on the finger. Mrs Wise. Mar. It is really a prodigious fine one. Fred. [Preventing MARIANA, who is going to return it.] No, madam, it is already in the best hands. My father, madam, intends it as a present to you, therefore I hope you will accept it. Love. Present! I! Fred. Is it not, sir, your request to this lady Mur. I shall not, upon my word. Fred. It would be cruel in you to refuse him: let me entreat you, madam, not to shock my poor father to such a degree. Mrs Wise. It is ill-breeding, child, to refuse so often. Love. Oh, that the devil would but fly away; with this fellow ! Fred. See, madam, what agonies he is in lest you should return it. It is not my fault, dear. sir! I do all I can to prevail with her-but she is obstinate. For pity's sake, madam, keep it. Love. [To his Son.] Infernal villain! Fred. My father will never forgive me, madam, unless I succeed:-On my knees I entreat you. Love. The cut-throat! Mrs Wise. Daughter, I protest you make me ashamed of you. Come, come, put up the ring, since Mr Lovegold is so uneasy about it.. L 讀 Mar. Your commands, madam, always determine me, and I shall refuse no longer. Love. I shall be undone! I wish I was buried while I have one farthing left. Enter JAMES. James. Sir, there is a man at the door who desires to speak with you. Love. Tell him I am busy-bid him come another time-bid him leave his business with you. James. Must he leave the money he has brought with me, sir? [Exit JAMES. Love. No, no, stay-tell him I come this instant.-I ask pardon, ladies; I'll wait on you again immediately. [Exit. Fred. Will you please, ladies, to walk into the next room, and taste the collation I was mentioning? Mar. I have ate too much fruit already this afternoon. Mrs Wise. Really, sir, this is an unnecessary trouble; but since the tokay is provided, I will taste one glass. Har. I'll wait on you, madam. say against him: and if you were to praise a person for a whole hour, and end with,-But he is poor, you overthrow all that you have said; for it has long been an established maxim, that he who is rich can have no vice, and he that is poor can have no virtue. Fred. These principles are foreign to the real sentiments of Mariana's heart. I vow, did you but know how ill a counterfeit you are, how awkwardly ill nature sits upon you, you'd never wear it. There is not one so abandoned but that she can affect what is amiable better than you can what is odious. Nature has painted in you the complexion of virtue in such lively colours, that nothing but what is lovely can suit you, or appear your own. Enter HARRIET. Har. I left your mamma, Mariana, with Mr Clerimont, who is shewing her some pictures in the gallery.-Well, have you told him? Mar. Told him what? Har. Why, what you told me this afternoon,— that you loved him. Mar. I tell you I loved him!-Oh, barbarous falsehood! [Exeunt Mrs WISELY and HARRIET. Mar. That is a mighty pretty picture over the Fred. Did you? could you say so? Oh, redoor, Harriet: Is it a family-piece, my dear? Ipeat it to my face, and make me bless'd to that think it has a great deal of you in it: Are you not generally thought very like it?—Hey-day! where is my mamma and your sister gone? Fred. They thought, madam, we might have some business together, and so were willing to leave us alone. Mar. Did they so? But as we happen to have no business together, we may as well follow them. Fred. When a lover has no other obstacles to surmount but those his mistress throws in his way, she is in the right not to become too easy a conquest; but were you as kind as I could wish, my father would still prove a sufficient bar to our happiness; therefore it is a double cruelty in you. Mar. Our happiness! How came your happiness and mine to depend so on one another, pray, when that of the mother and son-in-law are usually so very opposite ? Fred. This is keeping up the play behind the curtain. Your kindness to him comes from the same spring as your cruelty to me. Mar. Modest enough! Then I suppose you think both fictitious. degree! Har. Repeat it to him, cann't you? How can you be so ill natured to conceal any thing from another which would make him happy to know? Mar. The lie would choke me, were I to say So. Har. Indeed, my dear, you have said you hated him so often, that you need not fear that. But if she will not discover it to yourself, take my word for it, brother, she is your own without any possibility of losing: she is full as fond of you as you are of her. I hate this peevish, foolish coyness in women, who will suffer a worthy lover to languish and despair, when they need only put themselves to the pain of telling truth to make him easy. Mar. Give me leave to tell you, Miss Harriet, this is a treatment I did not expect from you, especially in your own house, madam. I did not imagine I was invited hither to be betrayed, and that you had entered into a plot with your brother against my reputation.“ Har. We form a plot against your reputation! Fred. Faith, to be sincere, I do. Without ar- I wish you could see, my dear, how prettily these rogance, I think I have nothing in me so detest-airs become you-take my word for it, you would able as should make you deaf to all I say, or have no reason to be in love with your fancy. blind to all I suffer. This I am certain, there is nothing in him so charming as to captivate a woman of your sense in a moment. Mar. You are mistaken, sir: money, money, the most charming of all things; money, which will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years. Perhaps you will say a man is not young; I answer he is rich: he is not genteel, handsome, witty, brave, good-humoured; but he is rich, rich, rich, rich, richthat one word contradicts every thing you can Mar. I should indeed have no reason to be in love with my fancy, if it were fixed where you have insinuated it to be placed Har. If you have any reason, madam, to be ashamed of your choice, it is from denying it. My brother is every way worthy of you, madam; and give me leave to tell you, if I can prevent it, you shall not render him as ridiculous to the town as you have some other of your admirers. Fred. Dear Harriet! carry it no farther: you will ruin me for ever with her. |