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truth, she is in discourse a very prudent young woman.
Enter Lawyer. Lap. Think of her extravagance.
Law. Sir, the contract is ready; my client has Love. A woman of the greatest modesty. sent for the counsel on the other side, and he is Lap. And extravagance.
now below examining it. Love. She has really a very fine set of teeth. Love. Get you out of my doors, you villain !
Lap. She will have all the teeth out of your you and your client too ; I'll contract you with a head. Love. I never saw finer eyes.
Law. Hey-day! sure you are non compos mentis. Lop. She will eat you out of house and home. Love. No, sirrah ; I had like to have been non Love, Charming hair.
compos mentis, but I have had the good luck to Lap. She will ruin you.
escape it. Go and tell your client I have discoLoce. Sweet kissing lips, swelling breasts, and vered her: bid her take her advantageous offer, the finest shape that ever was embraced. for I shall sign no contracts.
(Catching LAPPET in his arms. Law. This is the strangest thing I have met Lap. Oh, sir! I am not the lady_Was ever with in my whole course of practice ! [Erit, such an old goat!
-Well, sir, I see you are Love. I am very much obliged to you, Lappet ; determined on the match, and so I desire you indeed I am very much obliged to you. would pay me my wages. I cannot bear to see Lap. I am sure, sir, I have a very great satisthe ruin of a family, in which I have lived so long, faction in serving you, and I hope you will conthat I have contracted as great a friendship for sider of that little affair that I mentioned to you it as if it were my own; I cann't bear to see waste, to-day about my law-suit. riot, and extravagance; to see all the wealth a Love. I am very much obliged to you. poor, honest, industrious, gentleman has been Lap. I hope, sir, you won't suffer me to be raising all his lifetime, squandered away in a year ruined when I have preserved you from it. or two, in feasts, balls, music, cards, clothes, Love. Hey!
[.Appearing deaf, jewels It would break my heart to see my poor Lup. You know, sir, that in Westminster-hall old master eat out by a set of singers, fiddlers, money and right are always on the same side. milliners, mantua-makers, mercers, toymen, jewel Love. Ay, so they are ; very true, so they are; lers, fops, cheats, rakes to see his guineas fly and therefore no man can take too much care of about like dust, all his ready money paid in one
his money: morning to one tradesman, his whole stock in Lap. The smallest matter of money, sir, would the funds spent in one half year, all his land do me an infinite service. swallowed down in another, all his old gold, nay, Love. Hey! what ? the very plate he has had in his family time out Lap. A small matter of money, sir, would do of mind, which has descended from father to son me a great kindness. ever since the flood, to see even that disposed of. Love. Oho! I have a very great kindness for What will they have next, I wonder, when they you; indeed I have a very great kindness for you. have had all that he is worth in the world, and Lap. Pox take your kindness ! I'm only losing left the poor old man without any thing to fur- time! there's nothing to be got out of him; so nish his old age with the necessaries of life?- I'll even to Frederick, and see what the report of Will they be contented then? or will they tear my success will do there. Ah, would I were marout his bowels, and eat them too ! (Both burst ried to thee myself !
(Erit. into tears.] The laws are cruel to put it in the Love. What a prodigious escape have I had ! power of a wife to ruin her husband in this man I cannot look at the precipice without being giddy. ner-And will any one tell me, that such a wo
Enter RAMILIE. man as this is handsome ?-What are a pair of shining eyes, when they must be bought with the Love. Who is that? Oh, is it you, sirrah ? how loss of all one's shining old gold?
you enter within these walls? Love. Oh, my poor old gold !
Rum. Truly, sir, I can scarcely reconcile it to Lap. Perhaps she has a fine set of teeth. myself. I think, after what has happened, you
Love. My poor plate, that I have hoarded with have no great title to my friendship: but I don't 80 much care !
know how it is, sir, there is something or other Lap. Or I'll grant she may have a most beauti- about you which strangely engages my affections,
and which, together with the friendship I havé Love. My dear lands and tenements ! for your son, won't let me suffer you to be im
Lap. What are the roses on her cheeks, or lilies posed upon; and to prevent that, sir, is the whole in her neck ?
and sole occasion of my coming within your doors. Love. My poor India bonds, bearing at least Did not a certain lady, sir, called Mis Lappet, three and a half per cent. !
depart from you just now? Lap. A fine excuse, indeed, when a man is Love. What if she di', sirrah? ruined by his wife, to tell us he has married a Rum. Ha, she not, sir, been talking to you
about a young lady whose name is Mariana ?
Love. Well, and what then?
fond will she be of a boy to put her in mind of Ram. Why then, sir, every single syllable she his father! has told you has been neither more nor less than Fred. Death! you jade, you have fired my ima. a most confounded lie, as is indeed every word gination. she says; for I don't believe, upon a modest cal Lap. But methinks I want to have the hurricane culation, she has told six truths since she has begin hugely ; I am surprised they are not all to been in the house. She is made up of lies; her gether by the ears already. father was an attorney, and her mother was chamber-maid to a maid of honour: the first word she
Enter RAMILIE. spoke was a lie, and so will be the last. I know Ram. Oh, madam, I little expected to have she has pretended a great affection for you, that's found you and my master together after what one lie, and every thing she has said of Mariana has happened: I did not think you had the asis another.
Love. How! how are you sure of this? Fred. Peace, Ramilie ! all is well, and Lappet
Ram. Why, sir, she and I said the plot together; is the best friend I have in the world. that one time, indeed, I myself was forced to de Ram. Yes, sir, all is well indeed; no thanks viate a little from the truth, but it was with a good to her: happy is the master that has a good serdesign; the jade pretended to me that it was out vant; a good servant is certainly the greatest of friendship to my master; that it was because
treasure in this world: I have done your busishe thought such a match would not be at all to
ness for you, sir; I have frustrated all she has his interest; but alas, sir ! I know her friendship been doing, deny'd all she has been telling him; begins and ends at home, and that she has friend in short, sir, I observed her ladyship in a long ship for no person living but herself. Why, sir, conference with the old gentleman, mightily to do but look at Mariana, sir, and see whether you your interest, as you may imagine; no sooner can think her such a sort of woman as she has de
was she gone than / steps in, and made the old scribed her to you.
gentleman believe every single syllable she had Love. Indeed she has appeared to me always told him to be a most confounded lie, and away in a different light. I do believe what you say. he is gone, fully determined to put an end to the This jade has been bribed by my children to im- affair. pose upon me. I forgive thee all that thou hast
Lap. And sign the contract: so now, sir, you done for this one service. I will go and deny all are ruined without reprieve. that I said to the lawyer, and put an end to every Fred. Death and damnation ! fool! villain! thing this moment. I knew it was impossible she Ram. Hey-day! what is the meaning of this? could be such a sort of a woman. (Exit. have I done any more than you commanded me? Rom. And I will go find out my master, make
Fred. Nothing but my cursed stars could have him the happiest of all mankind, squeeze his purse, contrived so damned an accident. and then get drunk for the honour of all partycoloured politicians.
Ram. You cannot blame me, sir, whatever has
Fres. I don't blame you, sir, nor myself, nor SCENE III.-The Hall.
any one. Fortune has marked' me out for miseEnter FREDERICK and LAPPET.
ry: but I will be no longer idle: since I am to be ruined, I'll meet my destruction.
(Exit. Fred. Excellent Lappet ! I shall never think I [They stand some time in silence, looking at have sufficiently rewarded you for what you have
each other. done.
Lap. I give you joy, sir, of the success of your Lap. I have only done half the business yet: I negotiation: you have approved yourself a most have, I believe, effectually broke off the match able person, truly; and I'dare swear, when your with your father. Now, sir
, I shall make up the skill is once known, you will not want emplos. matter between you and her.
ment. Pred. Do but that, dear girl ! and I'll coin my Ram. Do not triumph, good Mrs Lappet! a self into guineas. Lap. Keep yourself for your lady, sir ; she will politician may make a blunder ; I am sure no one
for take all that sort of coin, † warrant her; as for change sides so often, that 'tis impossible to tell me, I shall be much more easily contented.
at any time which side you are on. Fred. But what hopes canst thou have? for I,
Lap. And pray, sir, what was the occasion of alas ! see none.
Lap. Oh, sir! it is more easy to make half-a- betraying me to your master, for he has told me dozen matches than to break one; and, to say the Ram. Conscience, conscience! Mrs Lappet
, truth, it is an office I myself like better. There the great
guide of all my actions ; I could not find is something, methinks, so pretty, in bringing in my heart to let him lose his mistress. young people together that are fond of one ano
Lap. Your master is very much obliged to you ther. I protest, sir, you will be a mighty hand- indeed, to lose your own in order to preserve some couple. How fond you will be of a little his. From henceforth I forbid all your girl the exact picture of her mother! and how I disown all obligations, I revoke all promises i
benceforth I would advise you never to open Mar. Nay, that I am sure will cast a reflecyour lips to me, for if you do, it will be in vain : Ition on me: what a person will the world think shall be deaf to all your little, false, mean, treacher me to be when you could not live with me? ous, base insinuations : I would have you know, Fred. Live with you! Oh, Mariana! those sir, a woman injured as I am, never can, nor ought words bring back a thousand tender ideas to my to forgive. Never see my face again. [Exit. mind. Oh, had that been my blessed fortune!
Ram. Huh! now would some lovers think Mrs Wise. Let me bey, sir, you would keep a themselves very unhappy; but I, who have had greater distance. The young fellows of this age experience in the sex, am never frightened at the are so rampant, that even degrees of kindred canfrowns of a mistress, nor ravished with her smiles; not restrain them. they both naturally succeed one another; and a Fred. There are yet no such degrees between woman generally is as sure to perform what she
-Oh, Mariana ! while it is in your power, threatens, as she is what she promises. But now while the irrevocable wax remains unstamped, I'll to my lurking place. I'm sure this old rogue consider, and do not seal my ruin. has money hid in the garden ; if I can but dis Mrs Wise. Come with me, daughter; you shall cover it, I shall handsomely quit all scores with not stay a moment longer with him- A rude felthe old gentleman, and make my master a suffici- low! (Ereunt Mrs WISELY and MARJANA. ent return for the loss of his mistress. (Exit.
Ram. Follow me, sir, follow me this instant.
Fred. What's the matter? Enter FREDERICK, Mrs WISELY, and MARIANA.
Rum. Follow me, sir; we are in the right box; Fred. No, madam, I have no words to upbraid the business is done. you with, nor shall I attempt it.
Fred. What done? Mrs Wise. I think, sir, a respect to your father Ram. I have it under my arm, sir-here it is ! should keep you now within the rules of decency; Fred. What? what? as for my daughter, after what has happened, I
Ram. Your father's soul, sir, his moneythink she cannot expect it on any other account. Follow me, sir, this moment, before we are over
Mar. Dear mamma! don't be serious, when taken. I dare say Mr Frederick is in jest.
Fred. Ha! this may preserve me yet. Fred. This exceeds all you have done; to in
(Exeunt; sult the person you have made miserable is more cruel than having made him so.
Enter LOVEGOLD in the utmost distraction. Mar. Come, come, you may not be so miser. Love. Thieves ! thieves ! assassination ! mur. able as you expect. I know the word mother- der! I am undone! all my money is gone! who in-law has a terrible sound; but perhaps I may is the thief? where is the villain? where shall I make a better than you imagine. Believe me find him? Give me my money again, villain ! you will see a change in this house which will [Catching himself by the arn.I am distracted ! not be disagreeable to a man of Mr Frederick's I know not where I am, nor what I am, nor what gay temper.
I do. Oh, my money, my money! Ha! what Fred. All changes to me are henceforth equal. say you? Alack-a-day! here is no one. The When fortune robbed me of you, she made her villain must have watched his time carefully; utmost effort ; I now despise all in her power. he must have done it while I was signing that
Mrs. Wise. I must insist, sir, on your beha- damn'd contract. I will go to a justice, and have ving in a different manner to my daughter: the all my house put to their oaths, my servants, my world is apt to be censorious. Oh, heavens! I children, my mistress, and myself too; all the shudder at the apprehensions of having a reflec- people in the house, and in the street, and in the tion cast on my family, which has hitherto pass. town, I will have them all executed; I will hang ed unblemished.
all the world, and if I don't find my money, I will Fred. I shall take care, madam, to shun any hang myself afterwards. possibility of giving you such a fear, for from this
(Exit in a transport of rage. Right I never will behold those fatal eyes again.
SCENE I.--The Hall.
you that; I have had a very good place on't
with her. You will have no more use for locks Sederal Servants.
and keys in this house now, James. There will be rare doings now; ma
James. This is the luckiest day I ever saw: as dam's an excellent woman, faith! things won't soon as supper is over, I will get drunk to her go as they have done; she has ordered some good health, I am resolved, and that's more than thing like a supper; here will be victuals enough ever I could have done here before. for the whole town.
Tho. You sha'n't want liquor, for here are Tho. She's a sweet-humoured lady, I can tell ten hogsheads of strong beer coming in,
Jumes. Bless her heart, good lady! I wish she Mrs Wise. I protest, child, I cann't see any had a better bridegroom.
reason for this alteration. Tho. Ah, never mind that, he has a good purse; Mur. Dear mamma ! let me have my will and for other things let her alone, Mr James. There is not any one thing in the whole house
Whred. Thomas, you must go to Mr Mixture's that I shall be able to leave in it, every thing has the wine-merchant, and order him to send in so much of antiquity about it, and I cannot entwelve dozen of his best Champaigne, twelve dure the sight of any thing that is not perfectly dozen of Burgundy, and twelve dozen of Her- modern. mitage; and you must call at the wax-chand Fur. Your ladyship is in the right, madam; ler's, and bid him send in a chest of candles; there is no possibility of being in the fashion and at Lambert's the confectioner in Pall-mall, without new furnishing a house at least once and order the finest dessert he can furnish: and in twenty years; and indeed, to be at the very you, Will, must go to Mr Gray's, the horse top of the fashion, you will have need of almost jockey, and order him to buy my lady six of the continual alterations. finest geldings for her coach to-morrow morn Mrs Wise. That is an extravagance I would ing; and here, you must take this roll, and in never submit to: I have no notion of destroying vite all the people in it to supper; then you one's goods before they are half worn out, by must go to the play-house in Drury-Lane, and following the ridiculous whims of two or three engage all the music, for my lady intends to have people of quality;
Fur. Ha! ha! madam, I believe her ladyship Jumes. Oh, brave, Mrs Wheedle! here are is of a different opinion I have many a set of fine times!
goods entirely whole, that I would be very loath Wherd. My lady desires that supper may be to put into your hands: kept back as much as possible; and if think of any thing to add to it, she desires you
Enter SATIN and SPARKLE. would.
Mar. Oh, Mr Satin ! have you brought those Jumes. She is the best of ladies.
gold stuffs I ordered you? Wheed. So you will say, when you know her Sat. Yes, madam, I have brought your ladybetter; she has thought of nothing ever since ship some of the finest patterns that were ever matters have been made up between her and made. your master, but how to lay out as much money Mar. Well, Mr Sparkle, have you the neckas she could—We shall all have rare places. lace and ear-rings with you?
Jumes. I thought to have given warning to Spar. Yes, madam, and I defy any jeweller morrow morning, but I believe I shall not be in in town to shew you their equals; they are, I haste now.
think, the finest water I ever saw; they are finet Il need. See what it is to have a woman at the than the Duchess of Glitter's, which have been head of the house! but here she comes. Go you so much admired : I have brought you a solitaire into the kitchen, and see that all things be in the too, madam ; my Lady Rafile bought the fellow nicest order.
of it yesterday: James. I am ready to leap out of my skin for Mar. Sure it has a flaw in it, sir. joy.
Spar. Has it, madam ? then there never was
a brilliant without one! I am sure, madam, I Enter MARIANA, FURNISH, and Mrs WISELY. bought it for a good stone, and if it be not a
Mar. Wheedle, have you dispatched the ser- good stone, you shall have it for nothing. vants according to my orders?
Enter LOVEGOLD, Wheed. Yes, madam.
Mar. You will take care, Mr Furnish, and let Love. It's lost, it's gone, it's irrecoverable ; me have those two beds with the utmost expe- I shall never see it more ! dition.
Mar. And what will be the lowest price of Fur. I shall take a particular care, madam; I the necklace and ear-rings? shall put them both in hand to-morrow morning : Spar. If you were my sister, madam, I could I shall put off some work, madam, on that ac not bate you one farthing of three thousand guie count.
Mar. That tapestry in the dining-room does Love. What do you say of three thousand gunot at all please me.
neas, villain? have you my three thousand guineas? Fur. Your ladyship is very much in the right, Mrs Wise. Bless me, Mr Lovegold ? what's madam; it is quite out of fashion; no one hangs the matter? a room now with tapestry.
Love. I am undone; I am ruined ! my money Mar. Oh I have the greatest fondness for ta- is stolen ! my dear three thousand guineas, that pestry in the world! you must positively get me I received but yesterday, are taken away from the some of a newer pattern.
place I had put them in, and I shall never see Fur. Truly, madam, as you say, tapestry is one them again! of the prettiest sorts of furniture for a room that Mur. Don't let them make you uneasy, you I know of. I believe I can shew you some that may possibly recover them; or if you should notę will please you,
the loss is but a trifle,
Lode. How! a trifle! do you call three thou shall scarce want any thing more this twelvesand guineas a trifle?
month. Mrs Wise. She sees you so disturbed, that she Love. I am undone, plundered, murdered ! is willing to make as light of your loss as possi- however, there is one comfort, I am not married ble, in order to comfort you.
yet. Love. To comfort me ! can she comfort me Mar. And free to choose whether you will marby calling three thousand guineas a trifle? But ry at all or no. tell me, wbat were you saying of them? have Mrs Wise. The consequence, you know, will be you seen them?
no more than a poor ten thousand pouns, which Spar. Really, sir, I do not understand you ; is all the forfeiture of the breach of contract. I was telling the lady the price of a necklace and Love. But, madam, I have one way yet : I'have a pair of ear-rings, which were as cheap at three not bound my heirs and executors, and so, if I thousand guineas as
hang myself, I am off the bargain-In the mean Love. How! whatwhat !
while I'll try if I cannot rid my house of this nest Mar. I can't think them very cheap; how- of thieves–Get out of my doors, you cut-purses ! ever, I am resolved to have them ; so let him Spar. Pay me for my jewels, sir, or return 'ein have the money, sir, if you please. Love. I am in a dream !
Love. Give him his baubles, give them him. Mar. You will be paid immediately, sir. Well, Mur. I shall not, I assure you. You need be Mr Satin, and pray what is the highest-priced under no apprehension, sir ; you see Mr Lovegold gold stuff you have brought ?
is a little disordered at present, but if ; ou will Sat. Madam, I have one of twelve pounds a come to.morrow, you shall have your money. yard.
Spar. I'll depend on your ladyship, madam. Mar. It must be pretty at that price; let me Love. Who the devil are you? what have you have a gown and petticoat cut off.
to do here? Love. You shall cut off my head first. What Fur. I am an upholsterer, sir, and am come are you doing? are you mad?
to new-furnish your house. Mar. I am only preparing a proper dress to Love. Out of my doors this instant, ’r I will appear in as your wife.
disfurnish your head for you; I'll beat out your Lode. Sirrah, offer to open any of your pick- . brains. pocket trinkets here, and I'll make an example Mrs Wise. Sure, sir, you are mad.
Love. I was when I signed the contract. Oh, Mar. Mr Lovegold, give me leave to tell you, that I had never learned to write my naine! this is a behaviour I don't understand: you give me a fine pattern before marriage of the usage I
Enter CHARLES BUBBLEBOY. am to expect after it.
Bub. Your most obedient servant, madam. Love. Here are fine patterns of what I am to Love. Who are you, sir ? what do you want expect after it!
here: Mar. I assure you, sir, I shall insist on all the Bub. Sir, my name is Charles Bubbleboy. privileges of an English wife: I shall not be taught Love. What's your business? to dress by my husband; I am myself the best Bub. Sir, I was ordered to bring some snuffjudge of what you can afford; and if I do stretch boxes and rings. Will you please, sir, to look at your purse a little, it is for your honour, sir: the that snuff-box? there is but one person in Engworld will know it is your wife that makes such land, sir, can work in this manner; if he were but a figure.
as diligent as he is able, he would get an immense Love. Can you bear to hear this, madam? estate, sir; if he had an hundred thousand hands
Mrs Wise. I should not countenance my daugh. I could keep them all employed. I have brought ter in any extravagance, sir; but the honour of you a pair of the new-invented snuffers too, mamy family as well as yours is concerned in her dam; be pleased to look at them; they are my appearing handsomely. Let me tell you, Mr own invention; the nicest lady in the world may Lovegold, the whole world is very sensible of make use of them. your fondness for money; I think it a very great
Love. Who the devil sent for you, sir? blessing to you that you have met with a woman Alur. I sent for him, sir. of a different temper, one who will preserve your Bub. Yes, sir, I was told it was a lady sent foy reputation in the world, whether you will or no: me. Will you please, madam, to look at the snuffnot that I would insinuate to you that my daugh- boxes or rings first? ter will ever-She will never run you into un
Love. Will you please to go to the devil, sir, necessary expences; so far from it, that, if you first, or shall I send you? will but generously make her a present of five Bub. Sir! thousand pounds to fit herself out at first in Love. Get you out of my house this instant, clothes and jewels, I dare swear you will not or I'll break your snuff-boxes and your bones too have any other Jemand on those accounts-I Bub. Sir, I was sent for, or I should not have
come. Charles Bubbleboy does not want cusMar. No, unless a birth-night suit or two, I tom. Madam, your most obedient servant.
don't know when.