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Lap. Think of her extravagance.

Love. A woman of the greatest modesty.

Lap. And extravagance.

Love. She has really a very fine set of teeth. Lap. She will have all the teeth out of your head.

Love. I never saw finer eyes.

Lap. She will eat you out of house and home.
Love. Charming hair.

Lap. She will ruin you.

Love. Sweet kissing lips, swelling breasts, and the finest shape that ever was embraced.

[Catching LAPPET in his arms. Lap. Oh, sir! I am not the lady-Was ever such an old goat! -Well, sir, I see you are determined on the match, and so I desire you would pay me my wages. I cannot bear to see the ruin of a family, in which I have lived so long, that I have contracted as great a friendship for it as if it were my own; I cann't bear to see waste, riot, and extravagance; to see all the wealth a poor, honest, industrious, gentleman has been raising all his lifetime, squandered away in a year or two, in feasts, balls, music, cards, clothes, jewels It would break my heart to see my poor old master eat out by a set of singers, fiddlers, milliners, mantua-makers, mercers, toymen, jewellers, fops, cheats, rakes-to see his guineas fly about like dust, all his ready money paid in one morning to one tradesman, his whole stock in the funds spent in one half year, all his land swallowed down in another, all his old gold, nay, the very plate he has had in his family time out of mind, which has descended from father to son ever since the flood, to see even that disposed of. What will they have next, I wonder, when they have had all that he is worth in the world, and left the poor old man without any thing to furnish his old age with the necessaries of life? Will they be contented then? or will they tear out his bowels, and eat them too! [Both burst into tears.] The laws are cruel to put it in the power of a wife to ruin her husband in this manner-And will any one tell me, that such a woman as this is handsome?-What are a pair of shining eyes, when they must be bought with the loss of all one's shining old gold?

Love. Oh, my poor old gold!

Lap. Perhaps she has a fine set of teeth. Love. My poor plate, that I have hoarded with so much care!

Lap. Or I'll grant she may have a most beautiful shape.

Love. My dear lands and tenements! Lap. What are the roses on her cheeks, or lilies in her neck?

Love. My poor India bonds, bearing at least three and a half per cent.!

Lap. A fine excuse, indeed, when a man is ruined by his wife, to tell us he has married a beauty.

Enter Lawyer.

Law. Sir, the contract is ready; my client has sent for the counsel on the other side, and he is now below examining it.

Love. Get you out of my doors, you villain! you and your client too; I'll contract you with a pox!

Law. Hey-day! sure you are non compos mentis. Love. No, sirrah; I had like to have been non compos mentis, but I have had the good luck to escape it. Go and tell your client I have discovered her: bid her take her advantageous offer, for I shall sign no contracts.

Law. This is the strangest thing I have met with in my whole course of practice! [Exit. Love. I am very much obliged to you, Lappet ; indeed I am very much obliged to you.

Lap. I am sure, sir, I have a very great satisfaction in serving you, and I hope you will consider of that little affair that I mentioned to you to-day about my law-suit.

Love. I am very much obliged to you. Lap. I hope, sir, you won't suffer me to be ruined when I have preserved you from it. Love. Hey!

[Appearing deaf,

Lap. You know, sir, that in Westminster-hall money and right are always on the same side.

Love. Ay, so they are; very true, so they are; and therefore no man can take too much care of his money.

Lap. The smallest matter of money, sir, would do me an infinite service.

Love. Hey! what?

Lap. A small matter of money, sir, would do me a great kindness.

Love. Oho! I have a very great kindness for you; indeed I have a very great kindness for you.

Lap. Pox take your kindness!-I'm only losing time! there's nothing to be got out of him; so I'll even to Frederick, and see what the report of my success will do there. Ah, would I were married to thee myself!

[Exit.

Love. What a prodigious escape have I had! I cannot look at the precipice without being giddy.

Enter RAMILIE.

Love. Who is that? Oh, is it you, sirrah? how dare you enter within these walls?

Ram. Truly, sir, I can scarcely reconcile it to myself. I think, after what has happened, you have no great title to my friendship: but I don't know how it is, sir, there is something or other about you which strangely engages my affections, and which, together with the friendship I have for your son, won't let me suffer you to be imposed upon; and to prevent that, sir, is the whole and sole occasion of my coming within your doors. Did not a certain lady, sir, called Mrs Lappet, depart from you just now?

Love. What if she di', sirrah?

Ram. Has she not, sir, been talking to you about a young lady whose name is Mariana?"

Love. Well, and what then? Ram. Why then, sir, every single syllable she has told you has been neither more nor less than a most confounded lie, as is indeed every word she says; for I don't believe, upon a modest calculation, she has told six truths since she has been in the house. She is made up of lies; her father was an attorney, and her mother was chamber-maid to a maid of honour: the first word she spoke was a lie, and so will be the last. I know she has pretended a great affection for you, that's one lie, and every thing she has said of Mariana

is another.

Love. How! how! are you sure of this? Ram. Why, sir, she and I laid the plot together; that one time, indeed, I myself was forced to deviate a little from the truth, but it was with a good design; the jade pretended to me that it was out of friendship to my master; that it was because she thought such a match would not be at all to his interest; but alas, sir! I know her friendship begins and ends at home, and that she has friendship for no person living but herself. Why, sir, do but look at Mariana, sir, and see whether you can think her such a sort of woman as she has described her to you.

Love. Indeed she has appeared to me always in a different light. I do believe what you say. This jade has been bribed by my children to impose upon me. I forgive thee all that thou hast done for this one service. I will go and deny all that I said to the lawyer, and put an end to every thing this moment. I knew it was impossible she could be such a sort of a woman. [Exit. Ram. And I will go find out my master, make him the happiest of all mankind, squeeze his purse, and then get drunk for the honour of all partycoloured politicians.

Exit.

SCENE III.-The Hall. Enter FREDERICK and LAPPET. Fred. Excellent Lappet! I shall never think I have sufficiently rewarded you for what you have done.

Lap. I have only done half the business yet: I have, I believe, effectually broke off the match with your father. Now, sir, I shall make up the matter between you and her.

Fred. Do but that, dear girl! and I'll coin myself into guineas.

Lap. Keep yourself for your lady, sir; she will take all that sort of coin, I warrant her; as for me, I shall be much more easily contented.

Fred. But what hopes canst thou have? for I, alas! see none.

fond will she be of a boy to put her in mind of his father!

Fred. Death! you jade, you have fired my ima gination.

Lup. But methinks I want to have the hurricane begin hugely; I am surprised they are not all together by the ears already.

Enter RAMILIE.

Ram. Oh, madam, I little expected to have found you and my master together after what has happened: I did not think you had the as

surance

Fred. Peace, Ramilie! all is well, and Lappet is the best friend I have in the world.

Ram. Yes, sir, all is well indeed; no thanks to her: happy is the master that has a good ser vant; a good servant is certainly the greatest treasure in this world: I have done your business for you, sir; I have frustrated all she has been doing, deny'd all she has been telling him; in short, sir, I observed her ladyship. in a long conference with the old gentleman, mightily to your interest, as you may imagine; no sooner was she gone than I steps in, and made the old gentleman believe every single syllable she had told him to be a most confounded lie, and away he is gone, fully determined to put an end to the affair.

Lap. And sign the contract: so now, sir, you are ruined without reprieve.

Fred. Death and damnation! fool! villain! Ram. Hey-day! what is the meaning of this? have I done any more than you commanded me? Fred. Nothing but my cursed stars could have contrived so damned an accident.

Ram. You cannot blame me, sir, whatever has happened.

Fred. I don't blame you, sir, nor myself, nor any one. Fortune has marked me out for mise ry: but I will be no longer idle: since I am to be ruined, I'll meet my destruction. [Exit. [They stand some time in silence, looking

each other.

Lap. I give you joy, sir, of the success of your negotiation: you have approved yourself a most able person, truly; and I dare swear, when your skill is once known, you will not want employ.

ment.

Ram. Do not triumph, good Mrs Lappet! a politician may make a blunder; I am sure no one can avoid it that is employed with you, for you change sides so often, that 'tis impossible to tell at any time which side you are on. Lap. And pray, sir, what was the occasion of Lap. Oh, sir! it is more easy to make half-a-betraying me to your master, for he has told me dozen matches than to break one; and, to say the truth, it is an office I myself like better. There is something, methinks, so pretty, in bringing young people together that are fond of one another. I protest, sir, you will be a mighty handsome couple. How fond you will be of a little girl the exact picture of her mother! and how

all?

Ram. Conscience, conscience! Mrs Lappet, the great guide of all my actions; I could not find in my heart to let him lose his mistress.

Lap. Your master is very much obliged to you indeed, to lose your own in order to preserve his. From henceforth I forbid all your addresses, I disown all obligations, I revoke all promises;

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henceforth I would advise you never to open your lips to me, for if you do, it will be in vain: I shall be deaf to all your little, false, mean, treacherous, base insinuations: I would have you know, sir, a woman injured as I am, never can, nor ought to forgive. Never see my face again. [Exit.

Ram. Huh! now would some lovers think themselves very unhappy; but I, who have had experience in the sex, am never frightened at the frowns of a mistress, nor ravished with her smiles; they both naturally succeed one another; and a woman generally is as sure to perform what she threatens, as she is what she promises. But now I'll to my lurking place. I'm sure this old rogue has money hid in the garden; if I can but discover it, I shall handsomely quit all scores with the old gentleman, and make my master a sufficient return for the loss of his mistress. [Exit.

SCENE IV.-Another Apartment.

Enter FREDERICK, Mrs Wisely, and MARIANAFred. No, madam, I have no words to upbraid you with, nor shall I attempt it.

Mrs Wise. I think, sir, a respect to your father should keep you now within the rules of decency; as for my daughter, after what has happened, I think she cannot expect it on any other account. Mar. Dear mamma! don't be serious, when I dare say Mr Frederick is in jest.

Fred. This exceeds all you have done; to insult the person you have made miserable is more cruel than having made him so.

Mar. Come, come, you may not be so miserable as you expect. I know the word motherin-law has a terrible sound; but perhaps I may make a better than you imagine. Believe me you will see a change in this house which will not be disagreeable to a man of Mr Frederick's gay temper.

Fred. All changes to me are henceforth equal. When fortune robbed me of you, she made her utmost effort; I now despise all in her power.

Mrs. Wise. I must insist, sir, on your behaving in a different manner to my daughter: the world is apt to be censorious. Oh, heavens! I shudder at the apprehensions of having a reflection cast on my family, which has hitherto passed unblemished.

Fred. I shall take care, madam, to shun any possibility of giving you such a fear, for from this night I never will behold those fatal eyes again.

SCENE I.-The Hall.

Several Servants.

Mar. Nay, that I am sure will cast a reflection on me: what a person will the world think me to be when you could not live with me?

Fred. Live with you! Oh, Mariana! those words bring back a thousand tender ideas to my mind. Oh, had that been my blessed fortune!

Mrs Wise. Let me beg, sir, you would keep a greater distance. The young fellows of this age are so rampant, that even degrees of kindred cannot restrain them.

Fred. There are yet no such degrees between us-Oh, Mariana! while it is in your power, while the irrevocable wax remains unstamped, consider, and do not seal my ruin.

Mrs Wise. Come with me, daughter; you shall not stay a moment longer with him-A rude fellow! [Exeunt Mrs WISELY and MARIANA,

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Enter LOVEGOLD in the utmost distraction. Love. Thieves! thieves! assassination! murder! I am undone! all my money is gone! who is the thief? where is the villain? where shall I find him? Give me my money again, villain! [Catching himself by the arm. I am distracted! I know not where I am, nor what I am, nor what I do. Oh, my money, my money! Ha! what say you? Alack-a-day! here is no one. The villain must have watched his time carefully; he must have done it while I was signing that damn'd contract. I will go to a justice, and have all my house put to their oaths, my servants, my children, my mistress, and myself too; all the people in the house, and in the street, and in the town, I will have them all executed; I will hang all the world, and if I don't find my money, I will hang myself afterwards.

ACT V.

James. There will be rare doings now; madam's an excellent woman, faith! things won't go as they have done; she has ordered something like a supper; here will be victuals enough for the whole town.

Tho. She's a sweet-humoured lady, I can tell

[Exit in a transport of rage.

you that; I have had a very good place on't with her. You will have no more use for locks and keys in this house now.

James. This is the luckiest day I ever saw: as soon as supper is over, I will get drunk to her good health, I am resolved, and that's more than ever I could have done here before.

Tho. You sha'n't want liquor, for here are ten hogsheads of strong beer coming in.

James. Bless her heart, good lady! I wish she had a better bridegroom.

Tho. Ah, never mind that, he has a good purse; and for other things let her alone, Mr James. Whred. Thomas, you must go to Mr Mixture's the wine-merchant, and order him to send in twelve dozen of his best Champaigne, twelve dozen of Burgundy, and twelve dozen of Hermitage; and you must call at the wax-chandler's, and bid him send in a chest of candles; and at Lambert's the confectioner in Pall-mall, and order the finest dessert he can furnish: and you, Will, must go to Mr Gray's, the horsejockey, and order him to buy my lady six of the finest geldings for her coach to-morrow morning; and here, you must take this roll, and invite all the people in it to supper; then you must go to the play-house in Drury-Lane, and engage all the music, for my lady intends to have a ball.

James. Oh, brave, Mrs Wheedle! here are fine times!

Wheed. My lady desires that supper may be kept back as much as possible; and if you can think of any thing to add to it, she desires you would.

Jumes. She is the best of ladies.

Wheed. So you will say, when you know her better; she has thought of nothing ever since matters have been made up between her and your master, but how to lay out as much money as she could-We shall all have rare places. James. I thought to have given warning tomorrow morning, but I believe I shall not be in haste now.

Wheed. See what it is to have a woman at the head of the house! but here she comes. Go you into the kitchen, and see that all things be in the

nicest order.

James. I am ready to leap out of my skin for joy.

Enter MARIANA, FURNISH, and Mrs WISELY. Mar. Wheedle, have you dispatched the servants according to my orders?

Wheed. Yes, madam.

Mar. You will take care, Mr Furnish, and let me have those two beds with the utmost expedition.

Fur. I shall take a particular care, madam; I shall put them both in hand to-morrow morning: I shall put off some work, madam, on that ac

count.

Mar. That tapestry in the dining-room does not at all please me.

Fur. Your ladyship is very much in the right, madam; it is quite out of fashion; no one hangs a room now with tapestry.

Mar. Oh I have the greatest fondness for tapestry in the world! you must positively get me some of a newer pattern.

Fur. Truly, madam, as you say, tapestry is one of the prettiest sorts of furniture for a room that I know of. I believe I can shew you some that will please you.

Mrs Wise. I protest, child, I cann't see any reason for this alteration.

Mur. Dear mamma! let me have my will. There is not any one thing in the whole house that I shall be able to leave in it, every thing has so much of antiquity about it, and I cannot en dure the sight of any thing that is not perfectly modern.

Für. Your ladyship is in the right, madam; there is no possibility of being in the fashion without new furnishing a house at least once in twenty years; and indeed, to be at the very top of the fashion, you will have need of almost continual alterations.

Mrs Wise. That is an extravagance I would never submit to: I have no notion of destroying one's goods before they are half worn out, by following the ridiculous whims of two or three people of quality.

Fur. Ha! ha! madam, I believe her ladyship is of a different opinion-I have many a set of goods entirely whole, that I would be very loath to put into your hands:

Enter SATIN and SPARKLE.

Mar. Oh, Mr Satin! have you brought those gold stuffs I ordered you?

Sat. Yes, madam, I have brought your ladyship some of the finest patterns that were ever made.

Mar. Well, Mr Sparkle, have you the necklace and ear-rings with you?

Spar. Yes, madam, and I defy any jeweller in town to shew you their equals; they are, I think, the finest water I ever saw; they are finer than the Duchess of Glitter's, which have been so much admired: I have brought you a solitaire too, madam; my Lady Raffle bought the fellow of it yesterday.

a

Mar. Sure it has a flaw in it, sir.

Spar. Has it, madam ? then there never was brilliant without one! I am sure, madam, I bought it for a good stone, and if it be not a good stone, you shall have it for nothing.

Enter LOVEGOLD.

Love. It's lost, it's gone, it's irrecoverable; I shall never see it more!

Mar. And what will be the lowest price of the necklace and ear-rings?

Spar. If you were my sister, madam, I could not 'bate you one farthing of three thousand gui

neas.

Love. What do you say of three thousand gui neas, villain? have you my three thousand guineas! Mrs Wise. Bless me, Mr Lovegold! what's the matter?

Love. I am undone; I am ruined! my money is stolen! my dear three thousand guineas, that I received but yesterday, are taken away from the place I had put them in, and I shall never see them again!

Mur. Don't let them make you uneasy, you may possibly recover them; or if you should not, the loss is but a trifle.

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Love. How! a trifle! do you call three thou- | shall scarce want any thing more this twelvesand guineas a trifle?

Mrs Wise. She sees you so disturbed, that she is willing to make as light of your loss as possible, in order to comfort you.

Love. To comfort me! can she comfort me 1 by calling three thousand guineas a trifle? But tell me, what were you saying of them? have you seen them?

Spar. Really, sir, I do not understand you; I was telling the lady the price of a necklace and a pair of ear-rings, which were as cheap at three thousand guineas as

Love. How! what! what!

Mar. I can't think them very cheap; however, I am resolved to have them; so let him have the money, sir, if you please.

Love. I am in a dream!

Mar. You will be paid immediately, sir. Well, Mr Satin, and pray what is the highest-priced gold stuff you have brought?

Sat. Madam, I have one of twelve pounds ayard.

Mar. It must be pretty at that price; let me have a gown and petticoat cut off.

Love. You shall cut off my head first. What are you doing? are you mad?

Mar. I am only preparing a proper dress to appear in as your wife.

Love. Sirrah, offer to open any of your pickpocket trinkets here, and I'll make an example

of you.

Mar. Mr Lovegold, give me leave to tell you, this is a behaviour I don't understand: you give me a fine pattern before marriage of the usage I am to expect after it.

Love. Here are fine patterns of what I am to expect after it!

Mar. I assure you, sir, I shall insist on all the privileges of an English wife: I shall not be taught to dress by my husband; I am myself the best judge of what you can afford; and if I do stretch your purse a little, it is for your honour, sir: the world will know it is your wife that makes such a figure.

Love. Can you bear to hear this, madam ? Mrs Wise. I should not countenance my daughter in any extravagance, sir; but the honour of my family as well as yours is concerned in her appearing handsomely. Let me tell you, Mr Lovegold, the whole world is very sensible of your fondness for money; I think it a very great blessing to you that you have met with a woman of a different temper, one who will preserve your reputation in the world, whether you will or no: not that I would insinuate to you that my daughter will ever-She will never run you into unnecessary expences; so far from it, that, if you will but generously make her a present of five thousand pounds to fit herself out at first in clothes and jewels, I dare swear you will not have any other demand on those accounts-I

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month.

Love. I am undone, plundered, murdered! however, there is one comfort, I am not married yet.

Mar. And free to choose whether you will marry at all or no.

Mrs Wise. The consequence, you know, will be no more than a poor ten thousand pouns, which is all the forfeiture of the breach of contract.

Love. But, madam, I have one way yet: I have not bound my heirs and executors, and so, if I hang myself, I am off the bargain-In the mean while I'll try if I cannot rid my house of this nest of thieves-Get out of my doors, you cut-purses! Spar. Pay me for my jewels, sir, or return 'ein

me.

Love. Give him his baubles, give them him. Mar. I shall not, I assure you. You need be under no apprehension, sir; you see Mr Lovegold is a little disordered at present, but if you will come to-morrow, you shall have your money.

Spar. I'll depend on your ladyship, madam. Love. Who the devil are you? what have you to do here?

Fur. I am an upholsterer, sir, and am come to new-furnish your house.

Love. Out of my doors this instant, r I will disfurnish your head for you; I'll beat out your brains.

Mrs Wise. Sure, sir, you are mad.

Love. I was when I signed the contract. Oh, that I had never learned to write my name !

Enter CHARLES BUBBLEBOY.

Bub. Your most obedient servant, madam. Love. Who are you, sir? what do you want here?

Bub. Sir, my name is Charles Bubbleboy.
Love. What's your business?

Bub. Sir, I was ordered to bring some snuffboxes and rings. Will you please, sir, to look at that snuff-box? there is but one person in England, sir, can work in this manner; if he were but as diligent as he is able, he would get an immense estate, sir; if he had an hundred thousand hands I could keep them all employed. I have brought you a pair of the new-invented snuffers too, madam; be pleased to look at them; they are my own invention; the nicest lady in the world may make use of them.

Love. Who the devil sent for you, sir?
Mur. I sent for him, sir.

Bub. Yes, sir, I was told it was a lady sent foy me. Will you please, madam, to look at the snuffboxes or rings first?

Love. Will you please to go to the devil, sir, first, or shall I send you?

Bub. Sir!

Love. Get you out of my house this instant, or I'll break your snuff-boxes and your bones too Bub. Sir, I was sent for, or I should not have Charles Bubbleboy does not want cusMar. No, unless a birth-night suit or two, I tom. Madam, your most obedient servant. [Exit

don't know when.

come.

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