Lady Cons. Obliging creatures, to call so often! | What did they want? Sir Bash. Want!-what should they want but money? Lady Cons. And you paid them, I suppose? Sir Bash. You suppose !-'Sdeath, madam, what do you take me for? Lady Cons. I took you for a busband: my brother prescribed you. But his prescription has done me no good. Sir Bash. Nor me either: I have had a bitter pill of it. Lady Cons. But the pill was gilded for you.My fortune, I take it, has paid off the old family mortgage on your estate. Sir Bash. And at the rate you go on, a new mortgage will swallow up my estate.-I see you are an ungrateful woman. Lady Cons. That is, as you keep the account. Sir Bash. And my accounts will shew it. Day after day nothing but extravagance to gratify your vanity. Did not I go into parliament to please you? Did not I go down to the Borough of Smokeand-Sot, and get drunk there for a whole month together? Did not I get mobbed at the George and Vulture? and pelted and horsewhipped the day before the election? And was not I obliged to steal out of the town in a rabbit-cart? And all this to be somebody, as you call it? Did not I stand up in the house to make a speech, to shew what an orator you had married? And did not I expose myself? Did I know whether I stood upon my head or my heels for half an hour together? And did not a great man from the Treasurybench tell me never to speak again? Lady Cons. And why not take his advice? Sir Bash. What, in the name of common sense, had I to do in parliament? My country! what's my country to me? The debts of the nation, and your gaming debts, are nothing to me. I must help to pay both, must I? I can vote against taxes, and I can advertise in the gazette to secure me from your extravagance. I have not lived in the Temple for nothing Fur. He slept there, and calls it studying the law. Sir Bash. Hold you your tongue, Mrs Pert: leave the room. Go both about your business. [Exeunt FURNISH and SIDEBOARD. [Aside.] I have kept it up before my servants.[Looks at Lady CONSTANT.] She is a fine woman after all. Lady Cons. Is there never to be an end of this usage, sir? Am I to be for ever made unhappy by your humours? Sir Bash. Humours! good sense and sound judgment, in the fine lady's dictionary, are to be called humours? Lady Cons. And your humours are now grown insupportable. Sir Bash. Your profusion is insupportable. At the rate you go on, how am I to find money for my next election?-If you would but talk this matter over coolly-She talks like an angel, and I wish I could say [Aside.] the same of myself. What will the world think?-Only command your temper-what will they think, if I am seen to encourage your way of life? Lady Cons. Amuse yourself that way, sir.Avoid one error, and run into the opposite ex treme. Sir Bash. [Aside.] There; a translation from Horace! Dum vitant stulti vitia-She is a notable woman. Lady Cons. Let me tell you, there is not in life a more ridiculous sight than the person who guards, with imaginary wisdom, against one giant-vice, and leaves himself open to a million of absurdities. Sir Bush. [Aside.] I am nothing to her in argument-she has a tongue that can reason me out of my senses.-I could almost find it in my heart to tell her the whole truth.-You know, my lady Constant, that when you want any thing in rea son Lady Cons. Is it unreasonable to live with decency? Is it unreasonable to keep the company my rank and education have entitled me to? Is it unreasonable to conform to the modes of life, when your fortune can so well afford it? Sir Bash. [Aside.] She is a very reasonable woman, and I wish I had but half her sense-You know I'm good-natured in the main, and if a sum of money within a moderate compass-If a brace of hundreds-[Aside.] why should not I make it three?I know that you have contracted habits of life, and [In a softened tone.] habit, I know, is not easily conquered: and if three [Smiling.] hundred pounds will prevent disputes, why [Smiling.] as to the matter of three hundred pounds Enter FURNISH, with a band-box. Fur. Your ladyship's things from the milliner's. Sir Bash. Death and fury! this woman has overheard me. Three hundred pounds, madam ! [In a violent passion.] let me tell you that three hundred pounds-what right have you to shovel away three hundred pounds? Lady Cons. Why does the man fly out into such a passion? Sir Bash. I will allow no such doings in my house. Don't I often come when my hall is be sieged with a parcel of powder-monkey servants? And did not I the other day, before I could get into my own doors, entangle myself among the chairmen's poles, and was not I confined there, like a man in the stocks? Lady Cons. Why would you be so awkward? Sir Bash. An eternal scene of routs and drums. Have not I seen you put the fee simple of a score of my best acres upon a single card? And have not I muttered to myself, if that woman was as much in love with me as she is with Pam, what an excellent wife she would make? Lady Cons. Pam is very obliging: why won't you strive to be as agreeable? Sir Bash. 'Sdeath, madam, you are so fond of play, that I should not wonder to see my next child marked on the forehead with a pair royal of aces. Fur. I am sure you deserve to be marked on | the forehead with a pair of Sir Bash. Malapert hussy! do you meddle? Begone this moment. [Exit FURNISH. Lady Cons. Fy upon it, Sir Bashful! I am tired of blushing for you. Sir Bash. I am afraid I have gone too far: she is ashamed of me. [Aside. Lady Cons. You agreed to a separation the other day, and there remains nothing but to execute articles, and make an end of all this disquiet. Sir Bash. A separate maintenance will go but a little way to answer the bawling of milliners, mercers, jewellers, and gaming debts. Lady Cons. It will purchase content, and nothing can obtain that under your roof. Sir Bash. [Aside.] I have shot my bolt too far -I fancy, my Lady Constant, that you don't know me. We might explain matters, and—'Sdeath! [Aside.] I am going to blab-1 say, madam, if you understood me rightly-as to the authority of a husband, I might, perhaps, be brought to give it up, in part at least; and if nobody was the wiser, I might connive-Po! confusion! interrupted again by that Enter FURNISH. Fur. A servant from Mrs Lovemore, madam, to know Sir Bash. The authority of a husband I never will give up. Lady Cons. A storm, a whirlwind is fitter to converse with! Sir Bash. I will storm like a whirlwind in my own house. I have done, madam; you are an ungovernable woman-[Aside and smiling.] She is a charming woman, and if nobody saw it, I would let her govern me with all my heart. [Exit. Lady Cons. Did any body ever see such behaviour? Fur. Never; and how your ladyship bears it, I cann't tell. Lady Cons. That it should be my fate to be married to such a quicksand! What does Mrs Lovemore say ? Fur. If your ladyship will be at home, she intends to do herself the pleasure of waiting upon you, madam. Lady Cons. Very well; I shall be at home,Upon recollection, I want to see her. Let the servant wait: I'll write an answer. [Exit. [Smiling at LOVEMORE.] I never saw her look better: but we have had t'other skirmish since I saw you. Love. Another? Sir Bash. Ay, another; and I did not bate her an ace. She is a rare one to argue. She is fit to discuss a point with any man.-Nobody like her. Wit at will. I thought I managed the dispute, and that I should soon have had her at what you call a non-plus; but no, no; no such thing; she can give you a sharp turn in a moment. Love. Ay! Sir Bash. Give her her due, I am nothing to her. I thought I had her fast, but she went round me quick as lightning; and, would you believe it? [Looks highly pleased.] she did not leave me a word to say. Love. Well! that was hard upon you. Sir Bash. No, not hard at all. Those little victories I don't mind. You know I told you I had something for your private ear. Have you observed nothing odd and singular in me? Love. Not in the least. In the whole circle of my acquaintance I know nobody so little tinged with oddity. Sir Bash. What, have you seen nothing?[Laughs.] Have you remarked nothing particular in regard to my wife? Love. Why, you don't live happy with her : but that is not a singular case. Sir Bash. But I tell you this must be in confidence-I am, at the bottom, a very odd fellow. Love. You do yourself injustice, Sir Bashful. Sir Bash. No, not in the least. It is too true -I am in the main a very odd fellow: I am indeed as odd a fish as lives; and you must have seen it before now. Love. I see it! I am not apt to spy defects in my friends. What can this be? You are not jealous, I hope? Sir Bash. You have not hit the right nail on the head. No, not jealous. Do her justice, I am safe as to that point. My lady has high notions of honour. No, it is not that. Love. Not a ray of light to guide me explain, Sir Bashful. now? Sir Bash [Smiling at him.] You could never have imagined it. But first let me shut this door. Love. What whim has got possession of him [Aside. Sir Bash. Mr Lovemore, I have great dependence upon you. I am going to make a discovery-I blush at the very thought of it. [Turns away. Love. Be a man, Sir Bashful; out with it at once; let me advise you. Sir Bash. The very thing I want. The affair is-but then if he should betray me!-Mr Lovemore, I doubt you, and yet esteem you. Some men there are, who, when a confidence is reposed in them, take occasion from thence to hold a hank over their friend, and tyrannize him all the rest of his days. Love. O fy! this is ungenerous. True friend 2 c ship is of another quality: it feels from sympathy; honour is the active principle; and the strictest secrecy is an inviolable rule. Sir Bash. Mr Lovemore, I have no further doubt-Stay; did not you hear a noise? Don't I see a shadow moving under the bottom of that door? [Goes to the door.] Love. What has got into his head? Sir Bash. [Looking out.] Servants have a way of listening. Love. Rank jealousy! he has it through the very brain! Sir Bash. No, no, all's safe. Mr Lovemore, I will make you the depositary, the faithful depositary of a secret: let it pass from the bottom of my heart to the inmost recess of yours: there let it rest concealed from every prying eye.My inclination-There-I see a laugh already forming in every feature of your face. Love. Then my face is no true index of the mind. Were you to know the agitations in which you keep me by this suspense Sir Bash. I believe it. To make an end at once, my inclinations are totally changed-no, not changed, but they are not what they seemed to be. Love is the passion that possesses meI am in love, and-[Turns from him.] and I am ashamed of myself. Love. Ashamed! love is a noble passion: but don't let me hear any more about it. Lady Constant will discover all, and then the blame will fall on me. If your heart revolts from her, don't let me be thought in league with you. You need not involve me in a quarrel with her ladyship. Sir Bash. You don't take me right. You are wide, quite wide of the mark. Hear me out. Love. No, no more. You must excuse me. Sir Bash. You shall hear me. The object of my passion, this charming woman, whom I dote on to distraction— Love. Your pardon; I won't hear it-[Walks away from him. When her ladyship hears of his gallantry, the devil is in the dice, if the spirit of revenge does not mould her to my purposes. Sir Bash. [Following LOVEMORE.] I say, Mr Lovemore, this adorable creature Love. Keep your secret, Sir Bashful. [Avoiding him.] Sir Bash. [Following him.] Who looks so lovely in my eyes Love. Well; I don't desire to know her. Sir Bash. You do know her. [Following him.] This idol of my heart is- my own wife! Love. [Stares at him.] Your own wife?" Sir Bash. Yes, my own wife. [Looks silly, and turns away.] 'Tis all over with me: I am undone. Love. This is the most unexpected discovery. Sir Bash. Look ye there now; he laughs at me already. Love. [Aside.] His wife must not know this. The grass is cut under my feet if she ever hears a word of it. Sir Bash. [Aside.] He is struck with amazement, and does not say a word to me. Love. [Aside.] I must not encourage him. And can this be possible, Sir Bashful?-In love with your own wife? Sir Bash. Spare my confusion. I have made myself very ridiculous. [Looks at him, and turns away.] I know I have. Love. Ridiculous! Far from it. Can it be wrong to love a valuable woman? Not to feel the impressions of beauty and of merit were downright insensibility; but then we should always admire with discretion. The folly of us married men consists in letting our wives perceive the vehemence with which we love; and the consequence is, we are enslaved for the rest of our lives.-I could trust you with a secret, which, perhaps, would keep you in countenance. Could you imagine it? I love my wife. Sir Bush. How? Love. I am in love with my wife. Sir Bush. Oh! no, no ;-hey! [Looking highly pleased.] you make me laugh. You don't love her, do you? Love. Passionately, tenderly; with all the ardour of affection. Sir Bash. Give me your hand. Ha! ha!-I did not expect this. This is some relief. Ha! ha!-you have made me happy. And have you led the life you have done all this time, on purpose to conceal your regard from her? Love. For that very purpose. I esteem her, I love her; but I would not have her know it. Sir Bash. No! Love. Upon no consideration; nor would I have the world know it. Sir Bash. Perfectly right. Love. To be sure. Tell your wife that you esteem her good qualities, and admire her person, she cries victoria, falls to plundering, and then you must either break her chain, or wear it in the face of the world, a laughing-stock for all your acquaintance. Sir Bash. That is what I have always been afraid of. Love. Not without reason. The world delights in ridicule. Do you know, if our secrets were to transpire, that we should have nothing but wit, and raillery, and fleers, and taunts flying about our ears? Sir Bash. But I have taken good care. I have quarrelled with my lady ten times a day on purpose to cloak the affair, and prevent all suspi cion. Love. Admirable! I commend your prudence. Besides, my Lady Constant, you know, has some youthful vigour about her; a graceful pers son, and an eye that inflames desire; and desire at your time of life, you know Sir Bash. Po! it is not for that; that is no thing. I wear admirably well, Mr Lovemore. Love. Do you? Sir Bash. As young as ever: but I don't let her know it. Love. Well! if you are discreet in that point, you are a very Machiavel! Sir Bash. Yes, yes; I fight cunning. [Laughs Love. Let nothing betray you. Be upon your guard: that is my own plan exactly. You want no advice from me. Sir Bash. Pardon me: you can assist me.My dear brother sufferer, give me your hand. We can, in a sly way, be of great use to each other. Love. As how? Sir Bash. I'll tell you. There are some things which you know our wives expect to be done. Love. So there are.—[Aside.] What the devil is he at now? Sir Bash. Now, if you will assist meLove. You may depend upon my assistance. Sir Bash. Thus it is: my wife, you know, keeps a power of company, and makes a great figure there. I could shew her in any company in England: I wish she could say the same of me. Love. Why truly I wish she could. Sir Bash. But that's out of the question. Now, if you will come into my scheme-It must be a deep secret-How? Is that Sir Brilliant's voice? Enter Sir BRILLIANT. Sir Bril. Sir Bashful, you see what attraction you have. Lovemore, I did not expect to see you here. Love. Nor did I expect you, Sir Brilliant. [Aside. Sir Bash. Confusion !-This unseasonable visit[Aside. Sir Bril. And your lady, is she at home, Sir Bashful? Sir Bash. Her own people keep that account, sir: I know nothing of her. Sir Bril. Nay, never talk slightingly of a lady who possesses so many elegant accomplishments. She has spirit, sense, wit, and beauty. Sir Bash. Spirit, sense, wit, and beauty! she has them all sure enough.-Sir, I am no sworn appraiser, to take an inventory of her effects.— [Aside.] Hey, Lovemore! [Looks at him and laughs. Love [To Sir BASHFUL.] Vastly well. Sir Bril. Is her ladyship visible this morning? Sir Bash. Whether she is visible, or not, is no business of mine, but I know she is unintelligible this morning, and incomprehensible this morning. She has the vapours; but your conversation, I suppose, will brighten her up for the rest of the day. Sir Bril. Why, as it happens, I have the rarest piece of news to communicate to her. Lovemore, you know Sir Amorous la Fool? Love. He that was sheriff the other day? Came up with an address, and got himself knighted? Sir Bril. The same. He declared he would live with his friends upon the same familiar footing as before, and his new dignities should make no alteration. Sir Bush. I have seen the knight. What of him? Sir Bril. Poor devil, he is in such a scrape!— Sir Bash. What's the matter? Bubbled at play suppose. I Love. He has been black-balled at one of the clubs? Sir Bash. Or run through the body in a duel? Sir Bril. Why that's a scrape indeed: but it is not that. Sir Bash. What then? Sir Bril. So unfortunate a discovery; he is fallen in love-I cannot help laughing at him. Love. Po! fallen in love with some COquette, who plays off her airs, and makes a jest of him. Sir Bash. A young actress may be, or an opera singer? Sir Bril. No, you will never guess. Sir Bashful,-like a silly devil, he is fallen in love with his own wife. Sir Bash. Fallen in love with his own wife! [Stares at him. Sir Bril. Yes; he has made up all quarrels ; his jealousy is at an end, and he is to be upon his good behaviour for the rest of his life.-Could you expect this, Lovemore? Love. No, sir; neither I, nor my friend, Sir Bashful, expected this. Sir Bash. It is a stroke of surprise to me. [Looking uneasy. Sir Bril. I heard it at my Lady Betty Scandal's, and we had such a laugh: the whole com-' pany were in astonishment: whist stood still, quadrille laid down the cards, and brag was in suspense. Poor Sir Amorous! it is very ridicu lous, is not it, Sir Bashful? Sir Bash. Very ridiculous indeed.-[Aside.] My own case exactly, and my friend Lovemore's too. is retired with his Penelope to love one another in the country; and next winter they will come to town to hate one another. Sir Bash. Do you think it will end so? Sir Bril. No doubt of it. That is always the denouement of modern matrimony. But I have not told you the worst of his case. Our friend, Sir Charles Wildfire, you know, was writing a comedy, and what do you think he has done? He has drawn the character of Sir Amorous, and made him the hero of the play. Sir Bash. What, put him into a comedy? Sir Bril. Even so: it is called The Amorous Husband; or, The Man in Love with his own Wife.' Oh! oh! oh! oh! Love. We must send in time for places. [Laughs with Sir BRILLIANT. Sir Bash. Lovemore carries it with an air. [Aside. Sir Bril. Yes, we must secure places. Sir Bashful, you shall be of the party. mour. worth five hundred! She will have them this very Love. Sly, sly.-You know what you are about. Love. So you can: ha! ha!-[Aside.] I wish he Love. [Laughing with him] Perfectly safe- Sir Bush. But I was telling you, Mr Lovemore, -we can be of essential use to each other. Love. As how, pray? Sir Bash. Why, my lady is often in want of money. It would be ridiculous in me to supply I her. Now if you will take the money from me, and pretend to lend it to her, out of friendship, you know Sur Bush. The party will be very agreeable. shall enjoy the joke prodigiously. Ha! ha! [Forces es a laugh. Love. Yes, Sir Bashful, we shall relish the hu[Looks at him and laughs. Sir Bril. The play will have a run: the people of fashion will crowd after such a character.I must drive to a million of places, and put it about; but first, with your leave, Sir Bashful, I will take the liberty to give a hint of the affair to your lady. It will appear so ridiculous to her. Sir Bash. Do you think it will? Sir Bril. Without doubt: she has never met with any thing like it: has she, Lovemore? Love. I fancy not: Sir Bashful, you take care of that. Sir Bash. Yes, yes; I shall never be the towntalk.-Hey, Lovemore! Sur Brit. Well, I'll step and pay my respects to my Lady Constant. Poor Sir Amorous! he will have his horns added to his coat of arms in a little time. Ha! ha! [Exit. Sir Bush. There, you see how it is. I shall get lampooned, be-rhymed, and niched into a comedy. Love. Po! never be frightened at this. Nobody knows of your weakness but myself, and I cann't betray your secret for my own sake. Sir Bash. Very true. Love. This discovery shews the necessity of concealing our loves. We must act with caution. Give my lady no reason to suspect that you have the least regard for her. Sir Bash. Not for the world. Sir Bash. I have done her a thousand kindnesses, but all by stealth; all in a sly way. Love. Have you? Sir Bash. Oh! a multitude. I'll tell you. She has been plaguing me a long time for an addition to her jewels. She wants a diamond cross, and a better pair of diamond buckles. Madam, says I, I will have no such trumpery; but then goes I and bespeaks them of the first jeweller in town.All under the rose. The buckles are finished: Love. Nothing can be better-[Aside.] Here is a fellow pimping for his own horns.—Í shall be glad to serve you. Sir Bash. I am for ever obliged to you-here, here; take it nowhere it is in bank notes-one, two, three; there is three hundred—give her that, and tell her you have more at her service to-mor row or next day, if her occasions require it. Love. My good friend, to oblige you. [Takes the money.] This is the rarest adventure! Sir Bash I'll do any thing for you in return. Love. I shall have occasion for your friendship -that is to forgive me if you find me out. [Aside. Sir Bush. Lose no time; step to her nowhold, hold; Str Brilliant is with her. Love. I can dismiss him. Rely upon my friendship: I will make her ladyship easy for you. Sir Bash. It will be kind of you. Love. It shall be her own fault if I don't. Sir Bush. A thousand thanks to you—well, is not this the rarest project? Love. It is the newest way of satisfying a man's wife! Sir Bash. Ay! let this head of mine alone. Love. [Aside.] Not if I can help it. Hush!I hear Sir Brilliant; he is coming down stairs. I'll take this opportunity, and step to her ladyship 2 t |