it) are so different, that we must give up one in order to obtain the other? L. Trink. Totally opposite, madam. The chief aim of the bon ton is to render persons of family different from the vulgar, for whom indeed nature serves very well. For this reason it has, at various times, been ungenteel to see, to hear, to walk, to be in good health, and to have twenty other horrible perfections of nature. Nature indeed may do very well sometimes. It made you, for instance, and it then made something very lovely; and if you would suffer us of quality to give you the ton, you would be absolutely divine: but now-memadam-me-nature never made such a thing L. Trink. Hum! Why, ay Har. Your lordship must excuse me. I am of a very tasteless disposition. I shall never bear to be carried out of nature. L. Free. You are out of nature now, Harriot! I am sure no woman but yourself ever objected to being carried among persons of quality. Would you believe it, my lord? here has she been a whole week in town, and would never suffer me to introduce her to a rout, an assembly, a concert or even to court, or to the opera; nay, would hardly so much as mix with a living soul that has visited me. L. Trink. No wonder, madam, you do not adopt the manners of persons of fashion, when you will not even honour them with your company. Were you to make one in our little coteries, we should soon make you sick of the boors and bumpkins of the horrid country. By the bye, I met a monster at the riding-house this morning, who gave me some intelligence, that will surprise you concern. ing your family. Har. What intelligence? L. Free. Who was this monster, as your lordship calls him? A curiosity, I dare say. L. Trink. This monster, madam, was formerly my head groom, and had the care of all my running horses, but, growing most abominably surly and extravagant, as you know all these fellows do, I turned him off; and ever since, my brother, Slouch Trinket, has had the care of my stud, rides all my principal matches himself, and Har. Dear, my lord, don't talk of your groom and your brother, but tell me the news. Do you know any thing of my father? L. Trink. Your father, madam, is now in town. This fellow, you must know, is now groom to Sir Harry Beagle, your sweet rural swain, and informed me, that his master and your father were running all over the town in quest of you; and that he himself had orders to enquire after you; L. Trink. Not I, 'pon honour, madam: that I left to their own ingenuity to discover. L. Free. And pray, my lord, where in this town have this polite company bestowed themselves? L. Trink. They lodge, madam, of all places in the world, at the Bull and Gate-Inn, in Holborn. L. Free. Ha, ha, ha! The Bull and Gate! Incomparable! What, have they brought any hay or cattle to town? L. Trink. Very well, Lady Freelove, very well, indeed!-There they are, like so many graziers; and there, it seems, they have learned that this lady is certainly in London. Har. Do, dear madam, send a card directly to my father, informing him where I am, and that your ladyship would be glad to see him here. For my part, I dare not venture into his presence til you have, in some measure, pacified him; but, for Heaven's sake, desire him not to bring that wretch ed fellow along with him. L. Trink. Wretched fellow! Oho! Courage, L. Free. I'll send immediately. [Aside Who's there? Serv. [Apart to L. FREELOVE.] Sir Harry Be gle is below, madam. L. Free. [Apart to Serv.] I am not at home. Serv. Yes, madam. L. Free. How abominably unlucky this is! Well, then shew him into my dressing-room. I w come to him there. [Exit Serv L. Trink. Lady Freelove! No engagement, I hope. We won't part with you, 'pon honour. L. Free. The worst engagement in the work. A pair of musty old prudes! Lady Formal ard Miss Prate. L. Trink. O the beldams! As nauseous as ipecacuanha, 'pon honour. L. Free. Lud! lud! what shall I do with them? Why do these foolish women come troubling me now? I must wait on them in the dressing-room, and you must excuse the card, Harriot, till they are gone. I'll dispatch them as soon as I can, but Heaven knows when I shall get rid of them, for they are both everlasting gossips; though the words come from her ladyship one by one, like drops from a still, while the other tiresome wo man overwhelms us with a flood of impertinence. Harriot, you'll entertain his lordship till I return. [Exit L. Trink. Gone!-'Egad, my affairs here be gin to grow very critical,-the father in town!lover in town!-Surrounded by enemies !What shall I do? [To HARRIOT.] I have nothing for it but a coup de main. 'Pon honour I am not sorry for the coming in of these old tabbies, and am much obliged to her ladyship for leaving us such an agreeable tête-a-tête. Har. Your lordship will find me extremely bad company. L. Trink. Not in the least, my dear! We'll entertain ourselves one way or other, I'll warrant you.-'Egad, I think it a mighty good opportunity to establish a better acquaintance with you. Har. I don't understand you. L. Trink. No!—Why then I'll speak plainer. —[Pausing, and looking her full in the fuce.] You are an amazing fine creature, 'pon honour. Har. If this be your lordship's polite conversation, I shall leave you to amuse yourself in soliloquy. [Going. L. Trink. No, no, no, madam, that must not be. [Stopping her.] This place, my passion, the opportunity, all conspire Hur. How, sir! you don't intend to do me any violence? must excuse me. L. Trink. 'Pon honour, ma'am, it will be doing great violence to myself if I do not. You [Struggling with her. Har. Help! help! murder! help! L. Trink. Your yelping will signify nothing; nobody will come. [Struggling. -Sir! My lord! [Noise within. L. Trink. Pox on't, what noise?- -Then I must be quick. [Still struggling. Har. Help! murder! help! help! Har. For Heaven's sake! Enter CHARLES, hastily. Char. What do I hear? My Harriot's voice calling for help? Ha [Seeing them.] Is it possible? Turn, ruffian!—I'll find you employment. | [Drawing. L. Trink. You are a most impertinent scoundrel, and I'll whip you through the lungs, 'pon honour. [They fight, HARRIOT runs out screaming help! &c. Enter Lady FREELOVE, Sir HARRY BEAGLE, and Servants. L. Free. How's this?-Swords drawn in my house!-Part them-[They are parted] This is the most impudent thing L. Trink. Well, rascal, I shall find a time. I know you, sir! Char. The sooner the better, I know your lordship too. Sir H. I'faith, madam, [To L. FREE.] we had like to have been in at the death. L. Free. What is all this? Pray, sir, what is the meaning of your coming hither to raise this disturbance? Do you take my house for a brothel? [To CHARLES. Char. Not I, indeed, madam! but I believe his lordship does. L. Trink. Impudent scoundrel! L. Free. Your conversation, sir, is as insolent as your behaviour. Who are you, what brought you here? Char. I am one, madam, always ready to draw my sword in defence of innocence in distress, and more especially in the cause of that lady I delivered from his lordship's fury; in search of whom I troubled your ladyship's house. L. Free. Her lover, I suppose, or what? Char. At your ladyship's service; though not quite so violent in my passion as his lordship there. L. Trink. Impertinent rascal! L. Free. You shall be made to repent of this insolence. L. Trink. Your ladyship may leave that to me. Sir H. But pray what is become of the lady all this while? Why, Lady Freelove, you told me she was not here, and, i'faith, I was just drawing off another way, if I had not heard the view-halloo. L. Free. You shall see her immediately, sir. Who's there? Enter a Servant. Where is Miss Russet? Serv. I don't know, madam: but she ran down the back-stairs crying for help, crossed the servants' hall in tears, and took a chair at the door. L. Free. Blockheads! to let her go out in a chair alone!——Go, and enquire after her immediately. [Exit Servant. Sir H. Gone! What a pox, had I just run her down, and is the little puss stole away at last? L. Free. Sir, if you will walk in [To Sir HAR.] with his lordship and me, perhaps you may hear some tidings of her; though it is most probable she may be gone to her father. I don't know any other friend she has in town. Char. I am heartily glad she is gone. She is safer any where than in this house. L. Free. Mighty well, sir!—My lord! Sir Harry!I attend you. L. Trink. You shall hear from me, sir! [To CHARLES. Char. Very well, my lord. Sir H. Stole away!-Pox on't-stole away. [Exeunt Sir H. and Lord TRINK. L. Free. Before I follow the company, give me leave to tell you, sir, that your behaviour here has been so extraordinary Char. My treatment here, madam, has indeed been very extraordinary. L. Free. Indeed!-Well-no matter-permit me to acquaint you, sir, that there lies your way out, and that the greatest favour you can do me, is to leave the house immediately. Char. That your ladyship may depend on.Since you have put Miss Russet to flight, you may be sure of not being troubled with my company. I'll after her immediately-I cann't rest till I know what is become of her. L. Free. If she has any regard for her reputa tion, she'll never put herself into such hands as yours. Char. O, madam, there can be no doubt of her regard for that, by her leaving your ladyship. L. Free. Leave my house! Char. Directly.-A charming house! and a charming lady of the house too! Ha, ha, ha! L. Free. Vulgar fellow ! Char. Fine lady! [Exeunt severally. ACT III. SCENE I.-Lady FREELOVE'S House. Enter Lady FREELOVE, and Lord TRINKET. L. Trink. Doucement, doucement, my dear Lady Freelove!-Excuse me! I meant no harm, 'pon honour. L. Free. Indeed, indeed, my Lord Trinket, this is absolutely intolerable. What, to offer rudeness to a young lady in my house! What will the world say of it? L. Trink. Just what the world pleases.—It does not signify a doit what they say. However, I ask pardon; but, 'egad, I thought it was the best way. L. Free. For shame, for shame, my lord! I am quite hurt at your want of discretion. Leave the whole conduct of this affair to me, or I'll have done with it at once. How strangely you have acted! There I went out of the way on purpose to serve you, by keeping off that looby Sir Harry Beagle, and preventing him or her father from seeing the girl, till we had some chance of managing her ourselves. And then you chose to make a disturbance, and spoiled all. I. Trink. Devil take Sir Harry and t'other scoundrel too!That they should come driving hither just at so critical an instant!--And that the wild little thing should take wing, and fly away the Lord knows whither! L. Free. Ay,And there again you was indiscreet past redemption, to let her know that her father was in town, and where he was to be found too! For there, I am confident, she must be gone, as she is not acquainted with one creature in London. L. Trink. Why, a father is in these cases the pisaller, I must confess. 'Pon honour, Lady Freelove, I can scarce believe this obstinate girl a relation of yours. Such narrow notions! I'll swear, there is less trouble in getting ten women of the prémiere volée than in conquering the scruples of a silly girl in that style of life. L. Free. Come, come, my lord, a truce with your reflections on my niece! Let us consider what is best to be done. L. Trink. E'en just what your ladyship thinks proper. For my part, I am entirely dérangée. L. Free. Will you submit to be governed by me then? L. Trink. I'll be all obedience-your ladyship's slave, 'pon honour. L. Free. Why then, as this is rather an ugly affair in regard to me, as well as your lordship, and may make some noise, I think it absolutely necessary, merely to save appearances, that you should wait on her father, palliate matters as well as you can, and make a formal repetition of your proposal of marriage. L. Trink. Your ladyship is perfectly in the right.-You are quite au fuit of the affair. It shall be done immediately, and then your reputation will be safe, and my conduct justified to all the world. But should the old rustic continue as stubborn as his daughter, your ladyship, I hope, has no objections to my being a little rusée, for I must have her, 'pon honour. L. Free. Not in the least. L. Trink. Or if a good opportunity should of fer, and the girl should be still untractable L. Free. Do what you will, I wash my hands of it. She's out of my care now, you know.—But you must beware of your rivals. One, you know, is in the house with her, and the other will lose no opportunities of getting to her. L. Trink. As to the fighting gentleman, I shall cut out work for him in his own way. I'll send him a petit billet to-morrow morning, and then there can be no great difficulty in outwitting her bumkin father and the baronet. Enter a Servant. Serv. Captain O'Cutter to wait on your Indy ship. L. Free. O the hideous fellow! The Irish sailor-man, for whom I prevailed on your lordship to get the post of regulating captain. I suppose he is come to load me with his odious thanks. I won't be troubled with him now. L. Trink. Let him in, by all means. He is the best creature to laugh at in nature. He is a perfect sea-monster, and always looks and talks as if he was upon deck. Besides, a thought strikes He may be of use. me. L. Free. Wellsend the creature up then. [Exit Servant. But what fine thought is this? L. Trink. A coup de maitre, 'pon honour! I intend--but hush! Here the porpus comes. Enter Captain O’CUTTER. L. Free. Captain, your humble servant! I am very glad to see you. O'Cut. I am much oblaged to you, my lady! Upon my conscience, the wind favours me at all points. I had no sooner got under way to tank your ladyship, but I have borne down upon my ne ble friend his lordship too. I hope your lordship's well? L. Trink. Very well, I thank you, captain!— But you seem to be hurt in the service: what is the meaning of that patch over your right eye? O'Cut. Some advanced wages from my new post, my lord! This pressing is hot work, though it entitles us to smart-money. L. Free. And pray in what perilous adventure did you get that scar, captain? O'Cut. Quite out of my element, indeed, my lady! I got it in an engagement by land. A day or two ago I spied three stout fellows, belonging to a merchant-man. They made down Wapping. I immediately gave my lads the signal to chase, and we bore down right upon them. They tacked, and lay to. We gave them a thundering broadside, which they resaved like men; and one of them made use of small arms, which carried off the weathermost corner of Ned Gage's hat; so I immediately stood in with him, and raked him, but resaved a wound on my starboard eye, from the stock of the pistol. However, we took them all, and they now lie under the hatches, with fifty more, a-board a tender off the Tower. L. Trink. Well done, noble captain!--But however you will soon have better employment, for I think the next step to your present post, is commonly a ship. O'Cut. The sooner the better, my lord! Honest Terence O'Cutter shall never flinch, I warrant you; and has had as much sea-sarvice as any man in the navy. L. Trink. You may depend on my good offices, captain-But in the mean time it is in your power to do me a favour. O'Cut. A favour! my lord! your lordship does me honour. I would go round the world, from one end to the other, by day or by night, to sarve your lordship, or my good lady here. L. Trink. Dear madam, the luckiest thought in nature! [Apart to L. FREE]-The favour I have to ask of you, captain, need not carry you so far out of your way. The whole affair is, that there are a couple of impudent fellows at an inn in Holborn, who have affronted me, and you would oblige me infinitely, by pressing them into his majesty's service. ble! L. Free. Now I understand you.- -Admira[Apart to L. TRINK. O'Cut. With all my heart, my lord, and tank you too, fait. But, by the bye, I hope they are not housekeepers, or freemen of the city. There's the devil to pay in meddling with them. They boder one so about liberty, and property, and stuff. It was but t'other day that Jack Trowser was carried before my lord mayor, and lost about a twelvemonth's pay, for nothing at all-at all. L. Trink. I'll take care you shall be brought into no trouble. These fellows were formerly my grooms. If you'll call on me in the morning, I'll go with you to the place. L. Trink. Will you carry him a letter from me? O'Cut. Indeed and I will: and I'll take you in tow too, and you shall engage him yard-arm and yard-arm. L. Trink. Why then, captain, you'll come a little earlier to-morrow morning than you proposed, that you may attend him with my billet, before you proceed on the other affair. O'Cut. Never fear it, my lord!Your sar vant! -My ladyship, your humble sarvant! L. Free. Captain, yours! Pray give my service to my friend Mrs O'Cutter. How does she do? O'Cut. I tank your ladyship's axing-The dear creature is purely right and well. L. Trink. How many children have you, captain? O'Cut. Four, and please your lordship, and another upon the stocks. L. Trink. When it is launched, I hope to be at the christening. I'll stand godfather, captain. O'Cut. Your lordship's very good. L. Trink. Well, you'll come to-morrow. O'Cut. O, I'll not fail, my lord! Little Terence O'Cutter never fails, fait, when a troat is to be cut. [Exit. L. Free. Ha, ha, ha! But sure you don't intend to ship off both her father and her country lover for the Indies? L. Trink. Oh no! only let them comtemplate the inside of a ship for a day or two. L. Free. Well, but after all, my lord, this is a very bold undertaking. I don't think you'll be able to put it in practice. L. Trink. Nothing so easy, 'pon honour. To press a gentleman-a man of quality-one of uswould not be so easy, I grant you. But these fellows, you know, have not half so decent an appearance as one of my footmen: and from their behaviour, conversation, and dress, it is very possible to mistake them for grooms and ostlers. L Free. There may be some thing in that indeed. But what use do you propose to make of this stratagem? L. Trink. Every use in nature. This artifice must at least take them out of the way for some time, and in the mean while, measures may be concerted to carry off the girl. Enter a Servant. Serv. Mrs Oakly, madam, is at the door, in her O'Cut. I'll be with your lordship, and bring chariot, and desires to have the honour of speakwith me four or five as pretty boys as you'll wishing to your ladyship, on particular business. 1 L. Trink. Mrs Oakly! what can that jealouspated woman want with you? L. Free. No matter what.-I hate her mortally. Let her in. [Exit Servant. L. Trink. What wind blows her hither? L. Free. A wind that must blow us some good. L. Trink. How!-I was amazed you chose to see her. L. Free. How can you be so slow of apprehension?- -She comes, you may be sure, on some occasion relating to this girl: in order to assist young Oakly, perhaps, to sooth me, and gain intelligence, and so forward the match; but I'll forbid the banns, I warrant you.- Whatever she wants, I'll draw some sweet mischief out of it. But away! away!—I think I hear her slip down the back-stairs- -or, stay, now I think on't, go out this way-meet her-and be sure to make her a very respectful bow, as you go out. L. Trink. Hush! here she is. Enter Mrs OAKLY. [L. TRINKET bows, and exit.] Mrs Oak. I beg pardon for giving your ladyship this trouble. L. Free. I am always glad of the honour of seeing Mrs Oakly. L. Free. Jealous of her husband! So, so! now I know my game. [Aside. Mrs Ouk. But pray, madam, give me leave to ask, was there any thing very particular in her conduct, while she was in your ladyship's house? L. Free. Why, really, considering she was here scarce a week, her behaviour was rather myste rious;-letters and messages to and fro, between her, and I don't know who I suppose you know that Mr Oakly's nephew has been here, madam? Mrs Oak. I was not sure of it. Has he been to wait on your ladyship already on this occasion? L. Free. To wait on me!the expression is much too polite for the nature of his visit.—My Lord Trinket, the nobleman whom you met as you came in, had, you must know, madam, some thoughts of my niece, and, as it would have been an advantageous match, I was glad of it; but I believe, after what he has been witness to this morning, he will drop all thoughts of it. Mrs Ouk. I am sorry that any relation of mine should so far forget himself L. Free. It's no matter-his behaviour, indeed, as well as the young lady's, was pretty extraor dinary- -and yet, after all, I don't believe he is the object of her affections. Mrs Oak. Ha! [Much alarmed, Mrs Oak. There is a letter, madam, just come L. Free. She has certainly an attachment some. from the country, which has occasioned some where, a strong one; but his lordship, who was alarm in our family. It comes from Mr Russet-present all the time, was convinced, as well as L. Free. Mr Russet! Mrs Oak. Yes, from Mr Russet, madam! and is chiefly concerning his daughter. As she has the honour of being related to your ladyship, I took the liberty of waiting on you. L. Free. She is indeed, as you say, madam, a relation of mine; but, after what has happened, I scarce know how to acknowledge her. Mrs Oak. Has she been so much to blame then? L. Free. So much, madam!- -Only judge for yourself. Though she had been so indiscreet, not to say indecent in her conduct, as to elope from her father, I was in hopes to have hush'd up that matter, for the honour of our family.But she has run away from me too, madam!went off in the most abrupt manner, not an hour ago. Mrs Oak. You surprise me. Indeed her father, by his letter, seems apprehensive of the worst consequences.-But does your ladyship imagine any harm has happened? L. Free. I can't tell- -I hope not- -But indeed she is a strange girl. You know, madam, young women cann't be too cautious in their conduct. She is, I am sorry to declare it, a very dangerous person to take into a family. Mrs Oak. Indeed! [Alarmed. L. Free. If I was to say all I know! Mrs Ouk. Why, sure, your ladyship knows of nothing that has been carried on clandestinely between her and Mr Oakly? [In disorder. L. Free. Mr Oakly! Mrs Oak. Mr Oakly-no, not Mr Oakly-that is, not my husband-I don't mean him—not him -but his nephew-young Mr Oakly. myself, that Mr Oakly's nephew was rather a convenient friend, a kind of go-between, than the lover.-Bless me, madam, you change colour! you seem uneasy! What's the matter? Mrs Oak. Nothing,madam,nothing, -a little shock'd that my husband should behave so. L. Free. Your husband, madam! Mrs Oak. His nephew, I mean.— -His unpar donable rudeness- -but I am not well--I am sorry I have given your ladyship so much trouble -I'll take my leave. L. Free. I declare, madam, you frighten me. Your being so visibly affected, makes me quite uneasy. I hope I have not said any thing--I really don't believe your husband is in fault. Men, to be sure, allow themselves strange liberties. But I think, nay I am sure, it cannot be so. It is impossible. Don't let what I have said have any effect on you. Mrs Oak. No, it has not--I have no idea of such a thing.Your ladyship's most obedient [Going, returns.]- -But sure, madam, you have not heard, or don't know any thing? L. Free. Come, come, Mrs Oakly, I see how it is, and it would not be kind to say all I know. I dare not tell you what I have heard. Only be on your guard-there can be no harm in that. Do you be against giving the girl any countenance, and see what effect it has. Mrs Oak. I will--I am much obligedBut does it appear to your ladyship then that Mr Oakly L. Free. No, not at all-nothing in't, I dare say-I would not create uneasiness in a family |