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printing an account of my journey through France and Italy; but now the history of my travels
Enter Tom ERRAND. must be through Holborn to Tyburn. The A reprieve! a reprieve! thou dear, dear-damnlast dying speech of Beau Clincher, that was goed rogue. Where have you been? Thou art ing to the jubilee-Come, a half-penny a the most welcome--son of a whore: where's piece.' -A sad sound, a sad sound, faith! 'Tis my clothes? one way to have a man's death make a great noise Er. Sir, I see where mine are. Come, sir, in the world
strip, sir, strip
Clin. sen. What, sir, will you abuse a gentleEnter SMUGGLER and Gaoler.
Er. A gentleman! Ha, ha, ha !-d'ye know Smug. Well, friend, I have told you who I am; where you are, sir? We're all gentlemen here. I so send these letters into Thames-Street, as di. stand up for liberty and property. Newgate's a rected: they are to gentlemen that will bail me. commonwealth. No courtier has business among [Exit Gaoler.] Eh! this Newgate is a very popu us. Come, sir. Jous place: here's robbery and repentance in Clin. sen. Well, but stay, stay till I send for my every corner.- --Well, friend, what are you? a own clothes : I shall get out presently. cut-throat or a bum-bailiff?
Er. No, no, sir; I'll ha' you into the dungeon, Clin. sen. What are you, mistress ? a bawd or
and uncase you. a witch? Hark'e, if you are a witch, d'ye see, I'll Clin. sen. Sir, you cannot master me, for I ann give you a hundred pounds to mount me on a
twenty thousand strong. [Exeunt struggling. broom-staff, and whip me away to the jubilee.
Smug. The jubilee ! O, you young rako-hell, SCENE III.-Changes to Lady DARLING'S wiat brought you here?
House. Cin. sen. Ah, you old rogue, what brought you here, if you go to that?
Enter WILDAIR, with Letters ; Servants folSmug. I knew, sir, what your powdering, your
lowing: prinking, your dancing, and your frisking, would Wild. Here, fly all around, and bear these as
directed; you to Westminster, you to St. James's, Clin. sen. And I knew what your cozening, and you into the city. Tell all my friends, a your extortion, and your smuggling would come bridegroom's joy invites their presence. Look to.
all of ye like bridegrooms also : all appear with Smug. Ay, sir, you must break your indentures, . hospitable looks, and bear a welcome in your and run to the devil in a full bottom wig, must faces. Tell them I am married. If any ask to you?
whom, make no reply; but tell them, that I'm Clin sen. Ay, sir, and you must put off your married; that joy shall crown the day, and love gravity, and run to the devil in petticoats: You the night. Be gone, fly. design to swing in masquerade, master, d'ye? Smug. Ay, you must go to the plays too, sir
Enler STANDARD. rah: Lord, Lord! what business has a 'prentice A thousand welcomes, friend; my pleasure's now at a play-house, unless it be to hear his master complete, since I can share it with my friend : made a cuckold, and his mistress a whore? It is brisk joy shall bound from me to you, then hack ten to one now, but some malicious poet has my again, and, like the sun, grow warmer by refleccharacter upon the stage within this month : 'tis tion. a hard matter now, that an honest sober man Stand. You're always pleasant, Sir Harry; but cannot sin in private for this plaguy stage. I this transcends yourself: Whence proceeds it? gave an honest gentleman five guineas myself to Wild, Canst thou not guess, my friend? Whence wards writing a book against it; and it has done flows all earthly joy? What is the life of man, and no good, we see.
soul of pleasure? Woman. -What fires the Clin. sen. Well, well, master, take courage! heart with transport, and the soul with raptures ? Our comfort is, we have lived together, and shall -Lovely woman. -What is the masterdie together, only with this difference, that I have stroke and smile of the creation, but charming lived like a fool, and shall die like a knave, and virtuous woman : -When Nature in the geyou have lived like a knave, and shall die like a neral composition first brought woman forth, like fool.
a flushi'd poet, ravish?d with his fancy, with ecSmug. *No, sirrah! I have sent a messenger for stacy it blest the fair production !—Methinks, my clothes, and shall get out immediately, and my friend, you relish not my joy. What is the shall be upon your jury by and by-Go to pray- cause? ers, you rogue, to prayers.
[Exit. Sland. Canst thou not guess ? -What is the Clin. sen. Prayers ! it is a hard taking when a bane of man, and scourge of life, but woman? man -must say grace to the gallows.-Ah, this What is the heathenish idol man sets up, cursed imriguing ! Had I swung handsomely in a and is damn'd for worshipping? Treacherous silken garter now, I had died in my duty; but to woman. -What are those, whose eyes, like hang in hemp, like the vulgar, it is very ungen- basilisks, shine beautiful for sure destruction, téel.
whose smiles are dangerous as the grin of fiends,
but false, deluding woman?Womair, whose Clin: jun. I don't care a farthing for that; I'm composition inverts bumanity; their bodies hea sure you're dead in law. venly, but their souls are clay.
Clin. sen. Why so, sirrah, why so ? Wild. Come, come, colonel, this is too much : Clin. jun. Because, sir, I can get a fellow to I know your wrongs received from Lurewell may swear he knocked out your brains. excuse your resentment against her. But it is Wild. An odd way of swearing a man out of iampardonable to charge the failings of a single his life! woman upon the whole sex. I have found one, Clin. jun. Smell him, gentlemen; he has a whose virtues ou
deadly scent about him. Stand. So have I, Sir Harry ; I have found one Clin. sen. Truly the apprehensions of death whose pride's above yielding to a prince. And if may have made me savour a little. 0, Lord! the lying, dissembling, perjury, and falsehood, be no colonel! The apprehension of him may make the breaches in a woman's honour, she is as innocent savour worse, I'm afraid. as infancy.
Clin. jun. In short, sir, were you a ghost, or Wild. Well, colonel, I find your opinion grows brother, or devil, I will go to the jubilee, by Justronger by opposition; I shall now, therefore, piter Ammon.. wave the argiuvent, and only beg you for this day Stand. Go to the jubilee! go to the Bearto make a shew of complaisance at least. Here Garden.--The travel of such fools as you doubly comes my charming bride.
injures our country : you expose our native fol
lies, which ridicule us amongst strangers, and reEnter DARLING and ANGELICA.
turn fraught only with their vices, which you Stand. (Saluting ANGELICA.) I wish you, ma- vend here for fashionable gallantry: a travelling dam, all the joys of love and fortune.
fool is as dangerous as a home-bred villain.
Get you to your native plough and cart, converse Enter CLINCHER Junior.
with animals like yourselves, sheep and oxen: Clin. Gentlemen and ladies, I'm just upon the men are creatures you don't understand. spur, and have only a minute to take my leave. Wild. Let 'em alone, colonel, their folly will Wild. Whither are you bound, sir?
be now diverting. Come, gentlemen, we'li disa Clin. Bound, sir ! 'I am going to the jubilee, pute this point some other time : I hear some sir.
fiddles tuning; let's hear how they can entertain Darl. Bless me, cousin ! how came you by us. [A servant enters, and whispers WILDAIR. these clothes ?
Wild. Madam, shall I beg you to entertaip the Clin. Clothies ! ha, ha, ha! the rarest jest ! ha, company in the next room for a moment? ha, ha! I shall burst, by Jupiter Ammon, I shall
(To DARL burst.
Darl. With all my heart -Come, gentlemen. Darl What's the matter, cousin ?
[Exeunt all but WILDAIR, Clin. The matter! ha, ha, ha! Why, an honest Wild. A lady to enquire for me! Who can porter, ha, ha, ha! has knocked out my brother's this be? brains, ha, ha, ha! Wild. A very good jest, i faith, ha, ha, ha!
Enter LUREWELL. Clin. Ay, sir, but the jest of all is, he knocked out his brains with a hammer, and so he is as Oh, madam, this favour is beyond my expectation dead as a door-nail, ha, ha, ha!
-to come uninvited to dance at my wedding. Darla And do you laugh, wretch?
-What d'ye gaze at, madam? Clin. Laugh! ha, ha, ha! let me see e'er a
Lure. A monster-If thou’rt married, thou’rt younger brother in England that won't laugh at
the most perjured wretch that e'er avouch'd de
ceit. Ang. Yous appeared a very sober, pious gentle.
Wild. Hey-day! Why, madam, I'm sure I never man some hours ago.
swore to marry you: I made indeed a slight Clin. Pshaw, I was a fool then : but now, ma- promise, upon condition of your granting me a dan, I'm a wit ; I can rake now. As for your small favour; but you would not consent, you part, madam, you might have had me once; but
know. now, madam, if you should fall to eating chalk,
Lure. How he upbraids me with my shame! of gnawing the sheets, it is none of my fault. Can you deny your binding vows, when this apNow, madam-I have got an estate, and I must
pears a witness against your falsehood ? (Shews a go to the jubilee.
ring.) Methinks the motto of this sacred pledge
should flash confusion in your guilty face-Read, Enter CLINCHER Senior in a Blanket. read here the binding words of love and honour Clin
. sen. Must you so, rogue, must ye? You --words not unknown to your perfidious tongue, will go to the jubilee, will you?
though utter strangers to your treacherous heart. Clin. jun. Å ghost ! a ghost! Send for the
Wild. The woman's stark staring mad, that's Dean and Chapter presently.
certain. Clin. sen. A ghost! No, no, sirrah; I'm an
Lure. Was it maliciously designed to let me find my misery when. past redresa, ta let me
such a jest:
elder brother, rogue:
know you, only to know you false ? Had not 1 of what importancé 'tis to own it: if you have cursed chance shewed me the surprising motto, love and honour in your soul, 'tis then most justI had been happy-The first knowledge I had of ly yours; if not, you are a robber, and have stolen you was fatal to me, and this second worse. it basely.
Wild. What the devil is all this ! Madam, I'm Stand. Ha !-your words, like meeting Aints, not at leisure for raillery at present; I have weighty have struck a light to shew me something strange affairs upon my hands; the business of pleasure, -But tell me instantly, is not your real name madam: any other time
(Going: Manly? Lure. Stay, I conjure you, stay.
Lure. Answer me first : Did not you receive Wild. 'Faith, I cann't; my bride expects me; this ring about twelve years ago ? but hark'e, when the honey-moon is over, about
Stand. I did. a month or two hence, I may do you a small fa Lure. And were not you about that time en
(Erit. tertained two nights at the house of Sir Oliver Luré. Grant me some wild expressions, Hea- Manly in Oxfordshire ? vens, or I shall burst! Woman's weakness, man's Stund. I was, I was ! (Runs to her, and embra. falsehood, my own shame, and love's disdain, at ces her.] The blest remembrance fires my soul once swell up my breast-Words, words, or I with transport-_I know the rest—you are shall burst.
(Going. the charming she, and I the happy man. Enter STANDARD.
Lure. How has blind fortune stumbled on the
right! But where have you wandered since ?Stand. Stay, madam, you need not slrun my 'I was cruel to forsake me. sight; for, if you are perfect woman, you have Stand. The particulars of my fortune are too confidence to outface a crime, and bear the charge tedious now: but to discharge myself from the of guilt without a blush.
stain of dishonour, I must tell you, that immediLure. The charge of guilt ! What, making a ately upon my return to the university, my elder fool of you? I've done it, and glory in the act : brother and I quarrelled: my father, to prevent the height of female justice were to make you all farther mischiel, posts me away to travel: I wrote hang or drown: dissembling, to the prejudice of to you from London, but fear the letter came not men, is virtue; and every look, or sign, or smile, to your hands. or tear that can deceive, is meritorious.
Lure. I never had the least account of you by Sland. Very pretty principles, truly. If there letter or otherwise. be truth in woman, 'tis now in thee. Come, ma Stand. Three years I lived abroad, and at my dam, you know that you're discovered, and, being return found you were gone out of the kingdom, sensible that you cannot escape, you would now
though none could tell me whither : missing you turn to bay.' That ring, madam, proclaims you thus, I went to Flanders, served my king till the guilty.
peace commenced; then fortunately going on Lure. O, monster, villain, perfidious villain !
board at Amsterdam, one ship transported us Has he told you?
both to England. At the first sight I loved, Stand. I'll tell it you, and loudly too. though ignorant of the hidden cause -You
Lure. 0, name it not- -Yet, speak it out; may remember, madam, that, talking once of 'tis so just a punishment for putting faitli in man, marriage, I told you I was engaged ; to your dear that I will bear it all; and let credulous maids, self I meant. that trust their honour to the tongues of men, Lure. Then men are still most generous and thus hear the shame proclaimed. Speak now, brave-and, to reward your truth, an estate of what'his busy scandal, and your improving malice, three thousand pounds a year waits your acceptboth dare utter.
ance; and, if I can satisfy you in my past conStand. Your falsehood cann't be reached by ma- duct, and the reasons that engaged me to deceive lice nor by satire; your actions are the justest li- all men, I shall expect the honourable perforbel on your fame ; your words, your looks, your mance of your promise, and that you will stay tears, I did believe, in spite of common fame. with me in England. Nay, 'gainst mine own eyes, I still maintained Stand. Stay? Nor fame nor glory e'er shall your truth. I imagined Wildair's boasting of part us more. My honour can be no where more your favours to be the pure result of his own concerned than here. vanity: at last he urged your taking presents of him; as a convincing proof of which, you yes. Enter WildAir, ANGELICA, both CLINCHERS. terday from him received that ring, which ring, that I might be sure he gave it, i lent him for Oh! Sir Harry, Fortune has acted miracles tothat purpose.
day: the story's strange and tedious; but all Lure. Ha! you lent it him for that purpose! amounts to this—that woman's mind is charming
Stand. Yes, yes, madam, I lent it him for that as her person, and I am made a convert too to purpose-No denying it-I know it well, for I beauty. have worn it long, and desire you now, madam, Wild. I wanted only this to make my pleasure to restore it to the just owner.
perfect. And now, madam, we may dance and Lure. The just owner! Think, sir, think but ) sing, and love and kiss in good earnest.
Malice ne'er spoke in generous champaign.
A Dance here. After the Dance, enter SMUG Stand. Sir Harry here dusted it out of your
pocket at this lady's house yesterday. It cone Smug. So, gentlemen and ladies, I'm glad to
tains an account of some secret practices in
your find you so merry: is my gracious nephew among of an agreement with a correspondent at Bouro
merchandising; among the rest, the counterpart Wild. Sir, be dares not shew his face among deaux, about transporting French wine in Spanish soch honourable company; for your gracious ne
casks. First, return this lady all her writings, phew is
then I shall consider whether I shall lay your proSmuş. What, sir? Have a care what you say. ceedings before the parliament or not, whose jusWild. A villain, sir.
tice will never suffer your smuggling to go unpuSmug. With all my heart. I'll pardon you the nished. beating me for that very word. And
Sir Smug. Oh, my poor ship and cargo ! Harry, when you see him next, tell him this news
Clin. sen. Hark'e, master, you had as good come from me, that I have disinherited him—that I along with me to the jubilee now. will leave bim as poor as a disbanded quarter-mas
Ang. Come, Mr Alderman, for once let a woter. And this is the positive and stiff resolution
man advise: Would you be thought an honest of threescore and ten; an age that sticks as ob- man, banish covetousness, that worst gout of age : stinately to its purpose, as to the old fashion of avarice is a poor, pilfering quality of the soul, its cloak.
and will as certainly cheat, as a thief would steal. Wild. You see, madam, (To ANGEL.] how in
Would you be thought a reformer of the times, dustriously fortune has punished his offence to be less severe in your censures, less rigid in your you,
precepts, and more strict in your example. Ang. I can scarcely, sir, reckon it an offence,
Wild. Right, madai, virtue flows freer from considering the happy consequence of it.
imitation than compulsion; of which, colonel, Smug. Oh! Sir Harry, he is as hypocritical —
your conversion and mine are just examples. Lure. As yourself, Mr Alderman. How fares In vain are musty morals taught in schools, my good old nurse, pray, sir?
By rigid teachers, and as rigid rules, Smug. O, madam, I shall be even with you be
Where virtue with a frowning aspect stands, fore I part with your writings and money, that I And frights the pupil from its rough commands. have in my hands.
But womanStand. A word with you, Mr Alderman ; Do Charming woman can true converts make ; you know this pocket-book ?
We love the precept for the teacher's sake. Smug. O! Lord, it contains an account of all my
Virtue in them appears so bright, so gay, secret practices in trading. (Aside.) How came
We hear with transport, and with pride obey. you by it, sir;
[Exeunt ornnesa EPILOGUE. Now all depart, each his respective way,
The privilege of wine we only ask; To spend an evening's chat upon the play; You'll taste again, before you damn the flask. Some to Hippolito's; one homeward goes, Our author fears not you; but those he may, And one, with loving she, retires to tń' Rose. Who in cold blood murder a man in tea; The am'rous pair, in all things frank and free, Those men of spleen, who, fond the world should Perhaps may save the play in Number Three.
know it, The tearing spark, if Phyllis aught gainsays, Sit down, and for their two-pence damn a poet : Breaks the drawer's head, kicks her, and murders Their criticism's good, that we can say for’t;
They understand a play—too well to pay for't: To coffee some retreat, to save their pockets; From box to stage, from stage to box they run, Others, more generous, damn the play at Lock. First steal the play, then damn it when they've
done. But there, I hope, the author's fears are vain; But now, to know what fate may us betide,
Among our friends in Cornhill and Cheapside, That poet merits an ignoble death,
But those, I think, have but one rule for plays : Who fears to fall over a brave Monteth. They'll say they're good, if so the world but says:
H it should please them, and theirspouses knowit, | For their sakes, then, the play capn't miss suc-
ing i The ladies' censure I'd almost forgot;
They won't, I'm sure, forfeit the ladies' gracés, Then for a line or two ť engage their vote : By shewing their ill-nature to their faces. But that way's odd, below our author's aim, Qur business with good manners may be done ; No less than his whole play is compliment to them. I Flatter us here, and damn us when you're gone.