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Hurd. Ay, if growing too fat be one of the father's letter, in which he informs me his son is symptoms.
set out, and that he intends to follow himself Mrs Hard. Ile coughs sometimes.
shortly after. Hurd. Yes, when his liquor goes the wrong
Miss Hard Indeed! I wish I had known some way.
thing of this before. Bless me, how shall I beMrs Hard. I'm actually afraid of his lungs.
have ? It's a thousand to one sha'n't like him; Hard. And truly so am I; for he sometimes our meeting will be so formal, and so like a thing whoops like a speaking trumpet—[Tony hallooing of business, that I shall find no room for friendship behind the scenes.)–0 there he goes—A very con or esteem. sumptive figure, truly.
Hurd. Depend upon it, child, I'll never controul Enter Tony, crossing the Stage.
your choice; but Mr Marlow, whom I have pitch
ed upon, is the son of my old friend, Sir Charles Mrs Hard. Tony, where are you going, my Marlow, of whom you have heard me talk so often. charnier? Won't you give papa andI a little of The young gentleman has been bred a scholar, your company, lovee?
and is designed for an employment in the service i Tony. I'm in haste, mother, I cannot stay. of his country. I am told he's a man of an excel
Mrs Hard. You sha'n't venture out this raw lent understanding. evening, my dear : You look most shockingly. Miss Hard. Is he ?
Tony. I cann't stay, I tell you. The Three Pi Hurd. Very generous.
Hard. Young and brave.
Hard. And very handsome.
Tony. Not so low neither. There's Dick Mug ing his hund.) he's mine, i'll have him. gins the exciseman, Jack Slang the horse-doctor, Hard. And, to crown all, Kate, he's one of the little Aminadab that grinds the music box, and most bashful and reserved young fellows in all the Tom Twist that spins the pewter platter.
world. Mrs Hurd. Pray, my dear, disappoint them for Miss Hard. Eh ! you have frozen me to death one night at least.
again. That word reserved, has undone all the Tony. As for disappointing them, I should not rest of his accomplishments. A reserved lover, so much mind, but I cann't abide to disappoint it is said, always makes a suspicious husband. myself.
Hard. On the contrary, modesty seldom resides Mrs Hard. [Detaining him.) You sha’n’t go. in a breast that is not enriched with nobler virtues. Tony. I will, I tell you.
It was the very feature in his character that first Mrs Hard. I say you sha'n't.
struck me. Tony. We'll see which is strongest, you or I. Miss Hard. He must have more striking fea (Exit, huwling her out. tures to catch me, I promise you. However
, if Hard. Ay, there goes a pair that only spoil each he be so young, so handsome, and so everything, other. But is not the whole age in a combination as you mention, I believe he'll do still. I think to drive sense and discretion out of doors? There's I'll have him. iny pretty darling Kate ; the fashions of the times Hard, Ay, Kate, but there is still an obstacle. have almost infected her too. By living a year or It's more than an even wager he may not have you. two in town, she is as fond of gauze, and French Miss Hard. My dear papa, why will you morfrippery, as the best of them.
tify one so ?-Well, if he refuses, instead of breakEnter Miss HARDCASTLE.
ing my heart at bis indifference, I'll only break my
glass for its flattery ; set my cap to some newer Hard. Blessings on my pretty innocence ! Drest fashion, and lookout for someless difficultadmirer. out as usual, my Kate. Goodness! what a quan Hard. Bravely resolved ! In the mean time I'll tity of superfluous silk hast thou got about thee, go prepare the servants for his reception; as we girl ! I could never teach the fools of this age, that seldom see company, they want as much training the indigent world could be cloathed out of the
as a company of recruits, the first day's muster. trimmings of the vain.
Miss Hurd. You know our agreement, sir. You Miss Hard. Lud, this news of papa's puts me allow me the morning to receive and pay visits, all in a futter. Young, handsome ; these he put and to dress in my own manner, and in the even- last; but I put them foremost
. Sensible, good ing I put on my housewife's dress to please you. natured; I like all that. But then reserved and
Hard. Well, remember I insist on the terms of sheepish, that's much against him. Yet cann's our agreement; and, by the bye, I believe I shall he be cured of his timidity, by being taught to be have occasion to try your obedience this very even- proud of his wife? Yes, and cann't i–But I vow ing.
I'm disposing of the husband, before I have seMiss Hard. I protest, Sir, I don't comprehend cured the lover. your meaning. Hard. Then, to be plain with you, Kate, I ex
Enter Miss NEVILLE. pect the young gentleman I have chosen to be Miss Hard. I'm glad you're come, Neville
, my your husband from town this very day. I have his dear. Tell me, Constance, how do I look this
evening? Is there any thing whimsical about me ? 1st Fel. Now, gentlemen, silence for a song. Is it one of my well-looking days, child ? Am I in The 'squire is going to knock himself down for face to-day?
a song Miss Neo. Perfectly, my dear. Yet now I look Oin. Ay, a song, a song. again-bless me !-sure no accident has happened Tony. Then I'll sing you, gentlemen, a song I among the canary birds or the gold fishes ! Has made upon this alehouse, the Three Pigeons. your brother or the cat been meddling? Or has the last novel been too moving ?
SONG, Miss Hard. No; nothing of all this. I have Let schoolmusters puzzle their bruin, been threatened-I can scarce get it out -I With grammar, and nonsense, and learning; trave been threatened with a lover.
Good liquor, I stoutly maintain, Miss Ned. And his name.
Gives Genus a belier discerning, Miss Hard. Is Marlow.
Let them brag of their Heathenish Gods, Miss Ned. Indeed !
Their Lethes, their Siynes, and Stygiuns: Miss Hard. The son of Sir Charles Marlow. Their Quis, and their Quæs, and their Quods, Miss Nep. As I live, the most intimate friend They're all but a parcel of Pigeons. of Mr Hastings, my admirer. They are never
Toroddle, toroudle, Toroll. asunder. I believe you must have seen him when we lived town.
When Methodist preachers come down, Miss Hurd. Never.'
A-preaching that drinking is sinful, Mixs Nev. He's a very singular character, I as I'll wager the rascals a crown, sure yon. Among women of reputation and vis They always preach best with a skinful.
he is the modestest man alive; but his ac But when you come down with your pence, quaintance give him a very different character For a slice of their scurdy religion, among creatures of another stamp: you understand I'll leave it to all men of sense,
But you, my good friend, are the Pigeon. Miss Hard. An odd character, indeed. I shall
Toroddle, toroudle, Toroll. never be able to manage him. What shall I do? Pshaw! think no more of him, but trust to occur Then come, put the jorum about,
rences for success. But how goes on your own And let us be merry and clever, | affair, my dear; has my mother been courting Our hearts and our liquors ure stout, you for my brother Tony as usual?
Here's the Three Jolly Pigeons for ever. Miss Neo. I have just come from one of our Let some cry up woodcock or hure, agreeable tête-a-têtes. She has been saying a Your busiards, your ducks, and your widhundred tender things, and setting off her pretty
geons ; monster as the very pink of perfection.
But of all the birds in the air, Miss Hard. And her partiality is such, that she Here's a health to the three Jolly Pigeons. actually thinks him so. A fortune like yours is
Toroddle, toroddle, toron. 5
no small temptation. Besides, as she has the solc
1st Fel. The 'squire has got spunk in him. Miss Neo. A fortune like mine, which chiefly 24 Fel, I loves to hear him sing, bekeays he consists in jewels, is no such mighty temptation. never gives us nothing that's low. But at any rate, if my dear llastings be but con 3d Fel. O damn any thing that's low. stant, I make no doubt to be too hard for her at not bear it. last. However, I let her suppose that I am in 4th Fel. The genteel thing is the genteel thing love with her son, and she never once dreams at any time. If so be that a gentleman bees in that my
affections are fixed upon another. a concatenation accordingly. Miss Hard. My good brother holds out stoutly. 3d Fel, I like the maxum of it, Master MugI could almost love him for hating you so. gins. What though I am obligated to dancea bear,
Miss Nev. It is a good-natured creature at bot a man may be a gentleman for all that. May tom, and I'm sure would wish to see me married this be my poison if my bear ever dances but to to any body but himself. But my aunt's bell rings the very genteelest of tunes. Water Parted, or for our afternoon's walk round the improvements. the minute in Ariadne. Allons ! courage is necessary, as our affairs are 2d Fel. What a pity it is the 'squire is not critical.
come to his own. It would be well for all the Miss Hard. Would it were bed time, and all publicans within ten miles round of him. were well.
Tony. Ecod, and so it would, Master Slang.
I'd then shew what it was to keep choice of SCENE II.-An Alehouse Room.
28 Fel. O he takes after his own father for Several shabby Fellows, with
Punch and Tobacco. that — To be sure old 'Squire Lumpkin was the Tony at the head of the Table, a little higher finest gentleman I ever set my eyes on. For than the rest : A mallet in his hand.
winding the streight horn, or beating a thicket Om. Hurrea, hurrea, hurrea, bravo!
for a hare, or a wench, he never had his fellow.
It was a saying in the place, that he kept the all fair, you know. Pray, gentlemen, is not best horses, dogs, and girls in the whole county. this same Hardcastle a cross-grained, old-fashi
Tony. Ecod, and when I'm of age, I'll be no oned, whimsical fellow, with an ugly face, a bastard, I promise you. I have been thinking daughter, and a pretty son ? of Bett Bouncer and the miller's grey mare to Hast. We have not seen the gentleman, but begin with. But come, my boys, drink about he has the family you mention. and be merry, for you pay no reckoning. Well, Tony. The daughter a tall, trapessing, trollopStingo, what's the matter?
ing, talkative maypole--The son a pretty, well
bred, agreeable youth, that every body is load Enter Landlord.
of? Land. There be two gentlemen in a post-chaise Mar. Our information differs in this. The at the door. They have lost their way upo' the daughter is said to be well-bred and beautiful ; forest; and they are talking something about Mr the son, an awkward booby, reared up and spoliHardcastle.
ed at his mother's apron-string. Tony. As sure as can be, one of them must be Tony. He-he-hem-Then,gentlemen, all I have the gentleman that's coming down to court my to tell you is, that you won't reach Mr Hardcastle's sister. Do they seem to be Londoners ? house this night, I believe. Land. I believe they may. They look woun
Hast. Unfortunate! dily like Frenchmen.
Tony. It's a damn'd long, dark, boggy, dirts, Tony. Then desire them to step this way, and dangerous way. Stingo, tell the gentlemen tie Pll set them right in a twinkling. [Erit Land- way to Mr Hardcastle's; (Winking upon the Lenu'. lord.] Gentlemen, as they mayn't be good enough lord.] Mr Hardcastle's, of Quagmire Marsh, you company for you, step down for a moment, and understand me? I'll be with you in the squeezing of a lemon. Land. Master Hardcastle's ! Lock-a-daisy, n
[Exeunt Mob. masters, you're come a deadly deal wrong! When Tony. Father-in-law has been calling me whelp you came to the bottom of the hill, you shoul and hound this half year. Now, if I pleased, I have cross'd down Squash-lane. could be so revenged upon the old grumbleto
Mar. Cross down Squash-lane! nian! But then I'm afraid-afraid of what? I Lund. Then you were to keep streight forward, shall soon be worth fifteen hundred a-year, and till you came to four roads. let him frighten me out of that if he can.
Mar. Come to where four roads meet!
Tony. Ay; but you must be sure to take only Enter Landlord, conducting MARLOW und
one of them. HASTINGS.
Mar. O sir, you're facetious. Mar. What a tedious uncomfortable day have Tony. Then keeping to the right, you are to we had of it! We were told it was but forty miles go sideways till you come upon Crack-skull comacross the country, and we have come above mon: there you must look sharp for the track of threescore.
the wheel, and go forward, till you come tofarmer Hast. And all, Marlow, from that unaccount Murrain's barn. Coming to the fariner's barn, idu able reserve of yours, that would not let us en are to turn to the right, and then to the left, quire more frequently on the way.
and then to the right about again, till you find out Mar. I own, Hastings, I am unwilling to lay the old millmyself under an obligation to every one I meet; Mur. Zounds, man! we could as soon find out and often stand the chance of an unmannerly the longitude !
Hast. What's to be done, Marlow? Hast. At present, however, we are not likely Mar. This house promises but a poor reception; to receive any answer.
though perhaps the landlord can accommodate Tony. No offence, gentlemen. But I'm told you have been enquiring for one Mr Hardcastle Land. Alack, master! we have but one spare in these parts. Do you know what part of the bed in the whole house. country you are in?
Tony. And, to my knowledge, that's taken tip Hast. Not in the least, sir, but should thank by three lodgers already. (After a pause, in which you for information.
the rest seen disconcerted.] I have hit it. Don's Tony. Nor the way you came ?
you think, Stingo, our landlady could accounmoHast. No, sir ; but if you can inform us date the gentlemen by the fire-side, withi
Tony. Why, gentlemen, if you know neither three chairs and a bolster? the road you are going, nor where you are, nor Hust. I hate sleeping by the fire-side. the road you came, the first thing I have to in. Mar. And I detest your three chairs and a bol form you is, that-You have lost your way.
ster. Mar. We wanted no ghost to tell us that. Tony. You do, do you ?—then let me see
Tony. Pray, gentlemen, may I be so bold as what-if you go on a mile further to the Buck's to ask the place from whence you came ? Head; the old Buck's Head on the hill
, one of Mar. That's not necessary towards directing the best inns in the whole country? us where we are to go.
-Hast. O ho! so we have escaped an adventure Tony. No offence : but question for question for this night, however.
Land. [Apart to Tony.] Sure, you ben't sendo | suade you that his mother was an alderman and ing them to your father's as an inn, be you? his aunt a justice of peace.
Tony. Mum, you fool you. Let them find that Land. Å troublesome old blade to be sure; out. [To them.) You have only to keep on streight but a keeps as good wines and beds as any in the forward, till you come to a large old house by whole country. the road side. You'll see a pair of large horns Mar. Well, if he supplies us with these we over the door. That's the sign. Drive up the shall want no further connection. We are to turn yard, and call stoutly about you.
to the right, did you say? Hast Sir, we are obliged to you. The ser Tony. No, no; streight forward. I'll just step vants cann't miss the way?
myself, and shew you a piece of the way. [To the Tony. No, no: But I tell you though, the land- Landlord.] Mum. lord is rich, and going to leave off business ; so Land. Áh, bless your heart, for a sweet, pleahe wants to be thought a gentleman, saving your sant-damn'd mischievous son of a whore. presence, he ! he! he ! He'll be for giving you his
[Exeunt. company; and ecod, if you mind him, he'll pre
in the pantry.
shift to stay my stomach with a slice of cold beef SCENE I.- An old-fashioned House.
Hard. Diggory, you are too talkative. Then, Enter HARDCASTLE, followed by three or four story, at table, you must not all burst out a-laugh
if I happen to say a good thing, or tell a good awkward Serounts.
ing, as if you made part of the company. Hurd. Well, I hope you're perfect in the table Diy. Then ecod your worship must not tell exercise I have been teaching you these three the story of Ould Grouse in the gun room : I days. You all know your posts and your places, cann't help laughing at that-he! he! he !-for and can shew that you have been used to good the soul of me. We have laughed at that these company, without stirring from home.
twenty years—ha! ha! ha! Omnes. Ay, ay.
Hard. Ha! ha! ha! The story is a good one. Hurd. When company comes, you are not to Well, honest Diggory, you may laugh at that pop out and stare, and then run in again, like but still remember to be attentive. Suppose one frighted rabbits in a warren.
of the company should call for a glass of wine, Omnes. No, no.
how will you behave? A glass of wine, sir, if you Hard. You, Diggory, whom I have taken from please [10 Dig.]—Eh, why don't you move? the barn, are to make a shew at the side-table; Diy. Ecod, your worship, I never have couand you, Roger, whom I have advanced from the rage till I see the eatables and drinkables brought plough, are to place yourself behind my chair, upo' the table, and then I am as bauld as a lion. But you're not to stand so, with your hands in Hurd. What, will nobody move? your pockets. Take your hands from your pock. 1st Serv. I'm not to leave this pleace. ets, Roger, and from your head, you blockhead 2d Serv. I'm sure it's no pleace of mine. you. See how Diggory carries his hands. They're 3d Serv. Nor minc, for sartain. á little too stiff, indeed, but that's no great mat Dig. Wauns, and I'm sure it canna be mine. ter.
Hurd. You numskulls ! and so, while, like Diy. Ay, mind how I hold them; I learned your betters, you are quarrelling for places, the to hold my hands this way when I was upon guests must be starved. O you dunces ! I find I drill for the militia. And so being upon drill- must begin all over again. But don't I hear a
Hurd. You must not be so talkative, Diggory. coach drive into the yard? To your posts, you You must be all attention to the guests. You blockheads. I'll go in the mean time and give must hear us talk, and not think of talking; you my old friend's son a hearty welcome at the gate. must see us drink, and not think of drinking ;
[Exit HARDCASTLE. you must see us eat, and not think of eating. Dig. By the elevens, my place is quite gone
Dig. By the laws, your honour, that's parfecto out of my head. ly unpossible. Whenever Diygory sees yeating
Rog. I know that my place is to be every going forwards, ecod he's always wishing for a where. mouthful hiinself.
1st Serv. Where the devil is mine? Hurd. Blockhead! is not a belly-full in the 2d Serv. My pleace is to be no where at all; kitchen as good as a belly-full in the parlour? and so Ize go about my business. stay your stomach with that reflection.
(Exeunt Servunts, running about as if frightDig. Ecod I thank your worship; I'll make a
ed, sederal ways,
Enter Servant with Candles, shewing in Mar- indeed, like an eastern bridegroom, one were to
be introduced to a wife he never saw before, i LOW and HASTINGS.
might be endured. But to go through all the Serv. Welcome, gentlemen, very welcome.
terrors of a formal courtship, together with the
episode of aunts, grandmothers, and cousins, an Hast. After the disappointments of the day, at last to blurt out the broad staring question welcome, once inore, Charles, to the comforts of of, Madam, will you marry me? No, no, that's a clean room and a good fire. Upon my word, a strain much above me, l'assure you. a very well-looking house ; antique but creditable.
Hasi. I pity you. But how do you intend be. Mar. The usual fate of a large mansion. Ha- having to the lady you are come down to visit ving first ruined the master by good housekeeping, at the request of your father? it at last comes to levy contributions as an inn. Mar. As I behave to all other ladies-box
Hast. As you say, we passengers are to be very low, answer yes, or no, to all her demands taxed to pay all these fineries. I have often seen -But for the rest, I don't think I shall venture a good side-board, or a marble chimney-piece, to look in her face, till I see my father's again. though not actually put in the bill, inflame the
Hast. I'm surprised that one who is so warm bill confoundedly.
a friend can be so cool a lover. Mar. Travellers, George, must pay in all places. Mar. To be explicit, my dear Hastings, my. The only difference is, that in good inns, you chief inducement down was to be instrumental pay dearly for luxuries; in bad inns, you are in forwarding your happiness, not my own. Miss fleeced and starved.
Neville loves you, the family don't know you; as Hust. You have lived pretty much among them. my friend you are sure of a reception, and let In truth, I have been often surprised, that you honour do the rest. who have seen so much of the world, with your Hast. My dear Marlow !—But I'll suppress the natural good sense, and your many opportunities, emotion. "Were I a wretch, meanly seeking to could never yet acquire a requisite share of as.
carry off a fortune, you should be the last man in surance.
the world I would apply to for assistance; but Miss Mur. The Englishman's malady. But tell me, Neville's person is all I ask, and that is mine, George, where could I have learned that assu both from her deceased father's consent, and her rance you
talk of? My life has been chiefly spent own inclination. in a college, or an inn, in seclusion from that
Mar. Happy man! You have talents and art lovely part of the creation that chiefly teach men
to captivate any woman. I'm doom'd to adore confidence. I don't know that I was ever fami- the sex, and yet to converse with the only part harly acquainted with a single modest woman of it I despise. This stammer in my address, and except my mother-But among females of ano
this awkward prepossessing visage of mine, can ther class, you know
never permit me to soar above the reach of a milliHast. Ay, among them you are impudent ner's 'prentice, or one of the duchesses of Druryenough of all conscience.
lane.-Pshaw! this fellow here to interrupt us. Mar. They are of us, you know. Hast. But in the company of women of repri
Enter HARDCASTLE. tation I never saw such an idiot, such atrembler ; you look for all the world as if you wanted an Hurd. Gentlemen, once more you are heartopportunity of stealing out of the room.
ly welcome. Which is Mr Marlow ? Sir, you're Nar. Why, man, that's because I do want to beartily welcome. It's not my way, you see, to steal out of the room. Faith, I have often form- receive my friends with my back to the fire. I ed a resolution to break the ice, and rattle like to give them a hearty reception in the old away at any rate; but, I don't know how, a style at my gate. I like to see their horses and single glance from a pair of fine eyes has totally | trunks taken care of. overset my resolution. An imprident fellow may Mar. (Aside.) He has got our names from the counterfeit modesty, but I'll be hanged if a mo servants already. [To him. We approve your dest man can ever counterfeit impudence. caution and hospitality, sir. (To HAST.) I have
Hast. If you could but say ball the fine things been thinking, George, of changing our travel. to them that I have heard you lavish upon the ling dresses in the morning; I am grown confoundbar-maid of an inn, or even a college bed-maker. edly ashamed of mine.
Mur. Why, George, I cann't say fine things to Hard. I beg, Mr Marlow, you'll use no cerethem. They freeze, they petrify me. They may mony in this house. talk of a comet, or a burning mountain, or some Flasí. I fancy, George, you're right : the first such bagatelle ; but to me, a modest woman, blow is half the battle. I intend opening the drest out in all her finery, is the most tremen- campaign with white and gold. dous object of the whole creation.
Hari. Mr Marlow-Mr Hastings-gentlemen Hast. Ha! ha! ha! At this rate, man, how -pray be under no restraint in this house. This can you ever expect to marry ?
, gentlemen. You may do just as Alar Never, unless, as among kings and prin- you please here. ces, my bride were to be courted by proxy. If, Mar. Yet, George, if we open the campaign