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Col. Lamb. And a jointure-now she's the on our family; what will become of us !-for friendly one in the family, that has power with our pre- ship for charity cise doctor; and, I dare engage, she'll use it with Dr Cunt. Enough; say no more, madam, I bim to persuade my father from any thing that submit: while I can do good, it is my duty. is against your interest. By the way, you must
Enter Colonel LAMBERT and DARNLEY. know I have some shrewd suspicion, that this sanctified rogue is in love with her.
Col. Lamb. Your ladyship’s most humble serDarn. In love!
vant. Coh Lamb. You shall judge by the symptoms Old Lady Lamb. Grandson, how do you? but hush !-here he comes with my grandmo Darn. Good day to you, doctor. ther-step this way, and I'll tell you. (Exeunt. Dr Cant. Mr Darnley, I am your most humble Enter Doctor CANTWELL and old Lady LAM- stay, and join in the private duties of the family.
servant: I hope you and the good colonel will BERT, followed by SEYWARD.
Old Lady Lamb. No, doctor, no; it is too Dr Cant. Charles, step up into my study ; early; the sun has not risen upon them, but I bring down a dozen more of those manuals of doubt not, the day will come. devotion, with the last hymns I composed ; and,
Dr Cant. I warrant they would go to a play when he calls, give them to Mr Maw-worm ; and, do you hear, if any one enquires for me, say I am Oll Lady Lamb. Would they ?
-I am afraid gone to Newgate, and the Marshalsea, to distri- they would. bute alms.
(Exit SEYWARD. Darn. Why, I hope it is no sin, madam; if I Old Lady Lamb. Well; but, worthy doctor, am not mistaken, I have seen your ladyship at a why will you go to the prisons yourself? cannot play. you send the money ?-Ugly distempers are often Old Lady Lamb. Me, sir !-see me at a play! catched there have a care of your health--let You may have seen the prince of darkness, or us keep one good man, at least, amongst us. some of his imps, in my likeness, perhaps
Dr Cunt. Alas, madam, I am not a good man: Durn. Well, but madamI am a guilty, wicked sinner, full of iniquity; the Old Lady Lamb. Mr Darnley, do you think I greatest villain that ever breathed; every instant would commit a murder ! of my life is clouded with stains; it is one conti Dr Cant. No, sir, no; these are not the plants nued series of crimes and defilements; you do usually to be met with in that rank soil; the not know what I am capable of; you indeed take seeds of wickedness indeed sprout up every where me for a good man; but the truth is, I am a too fast; but a playhouse is the devil's hot-bed. worthless creature.
Col. Lamb. And, yet, doctor, I have known Old Lady Lamb. Have you then stumbled ? some of the leaders of your tribe, as scrupulous Alas, if it be so, who shall walk upright? What as they are, who have been willing to gather fruit horrid crime have you been hurried into, that there for the use of the brethren -as in case calls for this severe self-recrimination ?
of a benefit Dr Cant. None, madam, that perhaps huma Dr Cant. The charity covereth the sin; and nity may call very enormous; yet am I sure, it
may be lawful to turn the wages of abominathat my thoughts never stray a moment from tion to the comfort of the righteous. celestial contemplations? do they not sometimes, Col. Lamb. Ha, ha, ha! before I ain aware, turn to things of this earth Dr Cant. Reprobate, reprobate ! am I not often hasty, and surprised into wrath? Col. Lamb. What is that you mutter, sirrah? nay, the instance is recent; for, last night, being Old Lady Lamb. Oh, Heavens ! gnarled at, and bit by Minxy, your daughter-in Darn. Let him go, colonel. law's lap-dog, I am conscious Í struck the little Col. Lumb. A canting hypocrite ! beast with a degree of passion, for which I have Dr Cant. Very well, sir : your father shall never been able to forgive myself since.
[Erit. Old Lady Lamb. Oh, worthy, humble soul ! Old Lady Lamb. Let me run out of the house ; this is a slight offence, which your suffering and I shall have it fall upon my head, if I stay among mortifications may well atone for.
such wicked wretches. Oh, grandson, grandson! Dr Cant. No, madam, no; I want to suffer ;
[Exit. I ought to be mortified; and I am obliged now Darn. Was there ever so insolent a rascal ? to tell you, that, for my soul's sake, I must quit Col. Lamb. The dog will one day provoke me your good son's family; I am pamper’d too much to beat his brains out. here, live too much at my ease.
Darn. But what the devil is he ?-whence Old Lady Lamb. Good doctor!
comes he?-what is his original ?-how has he Dr Cant. Alas, madam ! It is not you that so ingratiated himself with your father, as to get should shed tears; it is I ought to weep; you footing in the house? are a pure woman.
Col. Lamb. Oh, sir, he is here in quality of chaOld Lady Lamb. I purc? who, I?-no, no; plain; he was first introduced by the good old sinful, sinful! -But do not talk of quitting I lady that's just gone out. You know she has
been a long time a frequenter of our modern con- , at the accident; what a ridiculous figure must venticles, where, it seems, she got acquainted she make-ha, ha, ha! with this sanctified pastor. His disciples believe Charl. Hah! you're as impudent as he, I think. him a saint, and my poor father, who has been Darn. Now, dear Tom, speak to her before for some time tainted with their pernicious prin- she goes. ciples, has been led into the same snare.
Charl. What does he say, brother? Darn. Ha ! here's your sister again.
Col. Lamb. Why, he wants to have me speak
to you, and I would have him do it himself. Enter CHARLOTTE and Doctor CANTWELL.
Charl. Ay, come do, Darnley ; I am in a good
humour now. Charl. You'll find, sir, I will not be used thus; Darn: Oh, Charlotte, my heart is burstingnor shall your credit with my father protect your
Charl. Well, well, out with it then. insolence to me.
Darn. Your father now, I see, is bent on partCol Lamb. What's the matter?
-nay, what's worse, perhaps, will give Chur. Nothing; pray be quiet-I don't want you to another-I cannot speak-imagine what you—stand out of the way—how durst you bolt I want from you with such authority into my chamber, without Charl. Well- 0 lud! one looks so silly giving me notice?
though when one is serious-0 gad! -Inshort, Darn. Confusion !
I cannot get it out. Col. Lamb. Hold-if my father won't resent
Col. Lamb. I warrant you; try again. this, 'tis then time enough for me to do it.
Charl. O lud-well—if one must be teased, Dr. Cant. Compose yourself, madam ; I came then-why he must hope, I think. by your father's desire, who being informed that Darn. Is it possible ? —thusyou were entertaining Mr Darnley, grew impa Col. Lamb. Buz—not a syllable: she has tient, and gave his positive commands that you done very well. I bar all heroics; if you press attend him instantly, or he himself, he says, will it too far, I'll hold six to four she's off again in a
moment. Darn. Ay, now the storm is rising.
Darn. I'm silenced. Dr. Cant. So, for what I have done, madam, I Charl. Now am I on tiptoe to know what odd had his authority, and shall leave him to answer fellow
father has found out for me. you.
Darn. I'd give something to know him. Charl. 'Tis false. He gave you no authority Charl. He's in a terrible fuss at your being to insult me; or, if he had, did you suppose I here, I find. would bear it from you? What is it you presume
Col. Lamb. 'Sdeath ! here he comes. upon? Your function? Does that exempt you Charl. Now we are all in a fine pickle. from the manners of a gentleman ?
Dr. Cant. Shall I have an answer to your fa- Sir John LAMBERT enters hastily; and, looking ther, lady?
sternly at DARNLEY, takes CHARLOTTE unCharl. I'll send him none by you.
der his arm, and carries her off. Dr. Cant. I shall inform him so. (Exit. Col. Lamb. So -well said, doctor. 'Tis Charl. A saucy puppy!
he, I am sure, has blown this fire: what horrid Col. Lamb. Pray, sister, what has thic fellow hands is our poor family fallen into! and how done to you?
the rogue seems to triumph in his power! Charl. Nothing.
How little is my father like himself! By nature Darn. I beg you would tell us, madam. open, just, and generous; but this vile hypocrite
Charl. Nay, no great matter, but I was sitting drives his weak passions like the wind; and I carelessly in my dressing room-a-a fastening foresee, at last, something fatal will be the conmy garter, with my face just towards the door; sequence. and this impudent cur, without the least notice, Darn. Not if, by speedily detecting him, you comes bounce in upon me-and my devilish hoop take care to prevent it. happening to hitch in the chair, I was an hour Col. Lamb. Why, I have a thought that might before I could get down my petticoats.
expose him to my father; and, in some unguardDarn. The rogue must be corrected.
ed hour, we may yet, perhaps, surprise this lurkCol. Lamb. Yet, 'egad, I cannot help laughing ing thief without his lioly vizor. [Exeunt.
Lady Lamb. You have rare courage, Charlotte;
if I had such a game to play, I should be frighted An Ante-Chamber in Sir John LAMBERT'S
out of my wits. House. SEYWARD, !with a Writing in his Char. Lord, madam, he'll make nothing of it, Hand.
depend upon it. Sey. 'Tis so I have long suspected where Sir J. Lamb. Mind what I say to you.
This his zeal would end; in the making of his private wonderful man, I say, first, in his public characfortune. But then, tu found it on the ruin of his ter, is religious, zealous, and charitable. patron's children - I shudder at the villainy. Char. Very well, sir. What desperation may a son be driven to, so bar Sir J. Lumb. In his private character, sober. barously disinherited !-Besides, his daughter, Char. I should hate a sot. fair Charlotte, too, is wronged; wronged in the Sir J. Lamb. Chaste. tenderest point: for so extravagant is this settle Char. A hem!
(Stifling a laugh. ment, that it leaves her not a shilling, unless she Sir J. Lamb. What is it you sneer at, madam? marries with the doctor's consent, which is in -You want one of your fine gentlemen rakes, tended, by what I have heard, as an expedient to I suppose, that are snapping at every woman they oblige her to marry the doctor himself. Now, meet with? 'twere but an honest part to let Charlotte know Char. No, no, sir; I am very well satisfiedthe snare that's laid for her. This deed's not 1-I should not care for such a sort of a man, no signed and may be yet prevented. It shall be so. more than I should for one that every woman -Yes, charming creature-I adore you.—And, was ready to snap at. though I am sensible my passion is without hope, Sir J. Lumb. No; you'll be secure from jealI may indulge it thus far, at least; I may have ousy; he has experience, ripeness of yearsthe merit of serving you, and perhaps the plea- he is almost forty-nine. Your sex's vanity will sure to know you think yourself obliged by me. have no charms for him.
Char. But all this while, sir, I don't find that Enter Sir John, Lady LAMBERT, and CHAR- he has charms for our sex's vanity. How does
he look? Is he tall, well made? Does he dress, . Sir J. Lamb. Oh, Seyward, your uncle wants sing, talk, laugh, and dance well? Has he good you, to transcribe some hymns.
hair, good teeth, fine eyes ? Does he keep a Seyw. Sir, I'll wait on him.
[E.rit. chaise, coach, and vis-a-vis ? Has he six prancing Charl. A pretty well-bred fellow that.
ponies ? Does he wear the Prince's uniform, and Sir J. Lamb. Ay, ay: but he has better quali- subscribe to Brookes's ? ties than his good breeding.
Sir J. Lamb. Was there ever so profligate a Charl. He's always clean, too.
creature! What will this age come to! Sir J. Lamb. I wonder, daughter, when you will Lady Lamb. Nay, Charlotte, here I must be take notice of a man's real merit. Humph!- well against you. Now you are blind indeed. A wobred and clean, forsooth! Would not one think man's happiness has little to do with the pleasure now she was describing a cox- comb? When do her husband takes in his own person. you hear my wife talk at this rate? and yet she Sir J. Lumb. Right. is as young as your fantastical ladyship.
Ludy Lamb. It is not how he looks, but how Lady Lamb. Charlotte is of a cheerful temper, he loves, is the point. my dear; but I know you don't think she wants Sir J. Lamb. Good again. discretion.
Lady Lamb. And a wife is much more secure Sir J. Lamb. I shall try that presently; and that has charms for her husband, than when the you, my dear, shall judge between us. In short, husband has only charms for her. daughter, your course of life is but one continual Sir J. Lamb. Admirable! Go on, my dear. round of playing the fool to no purpose; and Ludy Lamb. Do you think a woman of fivetherefore I am resolved to make you think seri- and-twenty may not be much happier with an ously, and marry.
honest man of fifty, than the finest woman of Char. That I shall do before I marry, sir, you fifty with a young fellow of five-and-twenty ? may depend upon it.
Sir J. Lamb. Mark that. Sir J. Lamb. Um-That I am not so sure Char. Ay, but when two five-and-twenties come of; but you may depend upon my having thought together!-dear papa, you must allow they have seriously, and that's as well; for the person I in a chance to be fifty times as pleasant and frolicktend you, is, of all the world, the only man who can make you truly happy.
Sir J. Lamb. Frolicksome! Why, you sensual Char. And of all the world, sir, that's the only idiot, what have frolics to do with solid happiness? man I'll positively marry.
I am ashamed of you-Go, you talk worse than
a girl at a boarding-school-Frolicksome! as if Char. O madam! I am at my wit's end ; not marriage was only a licence for two people to for the little fortune I mạy lose in disobeying my play the fool according to law. Methinks, ma father, but it startles me to find what a dangerdam, you have a better example of happiness be ous influence this fellow has over all his actions. fore your face. Here's one has ten times your Lady Lamb. Here's
brother. understanding, and she, you find, has made a different choice.
Enter Colonel LAMBERT. Char. Lord, sir, how you
Col. Lamb. Madam, your most obedient.-Well, sider people's tempers. I don't say my lady is sister, is the secret out? Who is this pretty felnot in the right; but then, you know, papa, she's low my father has picked up for you? a prude, and I am a coquette; she becomes her Charl. Even our agreeable doctor. character very well, I don't deny it; and I hope Col. Lamb. You are not serious ? you see every thing I do is as consistent with
Lady Lamb. He's the very man, I can assure mine.-Your wise people may talk what they you, sir. will, but 'tis constitution governs us all: and be Col. Lamb. Confusion ! what, would the corassured, you will no more be able to bring me to morant devour the whole family? Your ladyship endure a man of forty-nine, than you can per- knows he is secretly in love with you too. suade my lady to dance in church to the organ. Lady Lamb. Fy, fy, colonel.
Sir J. Lamb. Why, you wicked wretch, could Col. Lamb. I ask your pardon, madam, if I any thing persuade you to do that?.
speak too freely; but I am sure, by what I have Chur. Lord, sir, I won't answer for what I
seen, your ladyship must suspect something of it. might do, if the whim was in my head; besides, Lady Lumb. I am sorry any body else has seen you know I always loved a little flirtation.' it; but I must own his behaviour to me of late,
Sir J. Lamb. O horrible !Airtation !My both in private and before company, has been poor sister has ruined her : leaving her fortune something warmer than I thought became him. in her own hand has turned her brain. In short, Col. Lamb. How are these opposites to be reCharlotte, your sentiments of life are shameful, conciled? Can the rascal have the assurance to and I am resolved upon your instant reformation; think both points are to be carried ? therefore, as an earnest of your obedience, I shall Charl. Truly, one would not suspect the gen. first insist that you never see young Darnley tleman to be so termagant. more; for, in one word, the good and pious doc Col. Lamb. Especially while he pretends to be tor Cantwell's the man that I have decreed for so shocked at all indecent amours. In the counyour husband.
try he used to make the maids lock up the turChar. Ho, ho, ho!
key cocks every Saturday night, for fear they Sir J. Lamb. 'Tis very well; this laugh you should gallant the hens on a Sunday. think becomes you, but I shall spoil your mirth Lady Lamb. Oh! ridiculous ! no more-give me a serious answer.
Col. Lamb. Upon my life, madam, my sister Char. I ask your pardon, sir : I should not told me so. have smiled indeed, could I have supposed it pos Charl. I tell you so, you impudentsible that you were serious.
Lady Lamb. Fy, Charlotte; be only jests with Sir J. Lamb. You'll find me so.
yoll. Char. I'm sorry for it; but I have an objection Charl. How can you be such a monster to stay to the doctor, sir, that most fathers think a sub- playing the fool here, when you have more reastantial one.
son to be frighted out of your wits! You don't Sir J. Lamb. Name it.
know, perhaps, that my father declares he'll setChar. Why, sir, we know nothing of his for- tle a fortune upon this fellow too. tune ; he's not worth a groat.
Col. Lamb. What do you mean? Sir J. Lamb. That's more than you know, ma Lady Lamb. 'Tis too true; 'tis not three midam; I am able to give him a better estate than nutes since he said so. I am afraid you'll deserve.
Col. Lamb. Nay, then, it is time indeed his Char. How! sir !
eyes were opened; and give me leave to say, Sir J. Lamb. I have told you what's my will, madam, 'tis only in your power. and shall leave you to think on't.
Lady Lamb. What is't you propose?
Col. Lamb. Why, if this fellow, which I'm sure
of, is really in love with you, give him a sair opSeyw. Sir, if you are at leisure, the doctor de portunity to declare himself, and leave me te sires to speak with you upon business of import- make my advantage of it.
Lady Lamb. Ishould be loth todo a wrong thing. Sir J. Lamb. Where is he?
Charl. Dear madam, it is the only way in the Scyw. In his own chamber, sir.
world to expose him to my father. Sir J. Lamb. I will come to him immediately. Lady Lumb. I'll think of it. -[Exıl Sexw.]-Daugliter, I am called away, Col. Lamb. Pray do, madam; but in the mean and therefore have only time to tell you, as my time I must leave you-poor Darnley stays for last resolution, doctor Cantwell is your husband, me at the Smyrna, and will sit upon thorns till I or I'm no more your father.
(Erit.' bring him an account of his new rival.
Charl. Well, well, get you gone then; here is more to say to you at present; Heaven mend you, my grandmother, and, after the affront you offer- that's all. ed this morning to the doctor, she will not be Lady Lumb. But pray,' madam, stay and dine able to bear the sight of you. (E.rit Col.
Old Lady Lamb. No, daughter; I have said it, Enter Old Lady LAMBERT.
and you know I never tell a lie; but here's my son, Lady Lumb. This is kind, madam ; I hope if you'll give nie leave, I'll stay and speak to him. your ladyship's come to dine with us.
Lady Lamb. Your ladyship's time's your own. Old Lady Lamb. Oh, don't be afraid ! only Charl. Ay, and here's that abominable doctor. in my way from Tottenham Court, I just called -This fellow puts me beyond my patience. to see whether any dreadful accident happened [Exeunt Lady LAMBERT and CHARLOTTE. to the family since I was here last. Lady Lumb Accident, did your ladyship say?
Enter Sir John LAMBERT and Doctor CANTOld Lady Lamb. I shall be sorry, daughter, but Bot surprised, when I hear it; for there are goings Sir J. Lamb. Oh, madam, madam! I'm glad on under this roof that will bring temporal pu- you're here to join me in solicitations to the nishments along with them.
doctor.--Here is my mother, friend, my mother; Lady Lamb. Indeed, madam, you astonish me! a pious woman; you will hear her; more worthy
Old Lady Lamb. We'll drop the subject; and to advise you than I am. I beg leave to address myself to you, Miss Char Dr Gunt. Alas! the dear good lady, I will kiss lotte : I see you have a bit of lace upon your her hand !--but what advice can she give me? Deck; I desire to know what you wear it for. The riches of this world, sir, have no charms for
Charl, Wear it for, madam! it's the fashion. me; I am not dazzled with their false glare; and
Old Lady Lamb. In short, I have been at my was I, I repeat it, to accept of the trust you want linen-draper's to-day, and have brought you some to repose in me, Heaven knows, it would only thick muslin, which I desire you will make hand-be lest the means should fall into wicked hands, kerchiefs of-for I must tell you that slight co who would not lay it out as I should do, for the vering is indecent, and gives much offence. glory of heaven, and the good of my neighbour.
Lady Lamb. Indecent, did your ladyship say? Old Lady Lamb. What is the matter, son ?
Old Lady Lamb. Yes, daughter-in-law. Dóc Dr Cant. Nothing, madam, nothing. But tor Cantwell complains to me that he cannot sit you were witness how the worthy colonel treated at table, the sight of her bare neck disturbs him mc this morning-Not that I speak it on my own so; and he's a good man, and knows what inde- account-for to be reviled is my portion.
Sir J. Lamb. O the villain! the villain ! Charl. Yes, indeed; I believe he does, better Dr Cant. Indeed, I did not think he had so than any one in this house. But you may tell the hard a nature. doctor from me, madam, that he is an impudent Old Lady Lamb. Ah! your charitable heart
coxcomb, a puppy, and deserves to have his knows not the rancour that is in his.-His wickbones broke.
ed sister too has been here this moment abusing Old Lady Lamb. Fy, Charlotte, fy! He speaks this good man. but for your good, and this is the grateful return Dr Cunt. O sir, 'tis plain, 'tis plain ; your
whole family are in a combination against meChurl. Grateful return, madam!-how can you your son and daughter hate me; they think I be so partial to that hypocrite ?-The doctor is stand between them and your favour; and inone of those who start at a feather.-Poor good deed it is not fit I should do so; for, fallen as man ! he has his vices of the graver sort they are, they are still your children, and I am
Old Lady Lamb. Come, come; I wish you an alien, an intruder, who ought in conscience to would follow his precepts, whose practice is con retire and heal those unhappy breaches. formable to what he teaches Virtuous man! Old Lady Lamb. See, if the good man does -Above all sensual regards, he considers the not wipe his eyes ! world merely as a collection of dirt and pebble Dr Cant. Oh, Heavens! the thought of their stones.—How has he weaned me from temporal | ingratitude wounds me to the quick but I'll connections ! My heart is now set upon nothing remove this eye-sore-here, Charles ! sublunary; and, 'I thank Heaven, I am so insen
Enter SEYWARD. sible to every thing in this vain world, that I could see you, my son, my daughters, my bro - Sir J. Lamb. For goodness sakethers, my grandchildren, all expire before me; Dr Cant. Bring me that writing I gave you to apd mind it no more than the going out of so lay up this morning. wany snuffs of candle.
Sir J. Lamb. Make haste, good Charles ; it Charl. Upon my word, madam, it is a very shall be signed this moment. (Exit SEYWARD. humane disposition you have been able to arrive Dr Cant. Not for the world, Sir Jolin-every at, and your family is much obliged to the doc- minute tends to corroborate my last intentions tor for his instructions.
I must not, will not take it, with the curses of Old Lady Lamb. Well, child, I have nothing your children.