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Fag. I have not changed, Thomas.
Fag. I had forgot. But, Thomas, you must Couch. No! why, didn't you say you had left polish a little; indeed you must-Here, now, young master!
this wig! what the devil do you do with a wig, Fag. No. Well, honest Thomas, I must puzzle Thomas ? none of the London whips, of any deyou no farther-briefly then-Captain Absolute gree of ton, wear wigs now. and Ensign Beverley are one and the same per Coach. More's the pity! more's the pity, I say
Odd's life? when I heard how the lawyers and Coach. The devil they are !
doctors had took to their own hair, I thought Fag. So it is indeed, Thomas; and the en how 'twould go next. Odd rabbit it! when the, sign-balf of my master being on guard at pre- fashion had got foot on the bar, I guessed 'twould sent—the captain has nothing to do with me. mount to the box! but 'tis all out of character,
Coach. So, 50! what, this is some freak, I believe me, Mr Fag; and look'e, I'll never gi' warrant! Do tell us, Mr Fag, the meaning o't-up mine; the lawyers and doctors may do as you know I ha' trusted you.
they will. Fug. You'll be secret, Thomas ?
Fag. Well, Thomas, we'll not quarrel about Coach. As a coach horse.
that. Fug. Why, then, the cause of all this ism Coach. Why, bless you, the gentlemen of they love-love, Thomas, who (as you may get read to professions ben't all of a mind; for, in our vilyou) has been a masquerader ever since the days lage now, thof Jack Gauge, the exciseman, has of Jupiter.
ta'en to his carrots, there's little Dick, the far. Coach. Ay, ay; I guessed there was a lady in rier, swears he'll never forsake his bob, though the case: but pray, why does your master pass all the college should appear with their own only for ensign? now, if he had shammed ge heads ! neral, indeed
Fug. Indeed! well said, Dick ! but holdFag. Ah! Thomas, there lies the mystery of mark! mark! Thomas. the matter. Hark'e, Thomas; my master is in Coach. Zooks ! 'tis the captain! Is that the love with a lady of a very singular taste ;-a lady, lady with him? who likes him better as a half-pay ensign, than if Fag. No, no! that is Madam Lucy, my masshe knew he was son and heir to Sir Anthony ter's mistress's maid. They lodge at that house. Absolute, a baronet of three thousand a-year. But I must after him, to tell him the news.
Coach. That is an odd taste indeed !-but has Coach. Odd! he's giving her money! Well, Mr she got the stuft, Mr Fag? is she rich, hey? Fag
Fag. Rich! why, I believe she owns half the Fag. Good by, Thomas ! I have an appointstocks! Zounds! Thomas, she could pay the na ment in Gyde's Porch this evening at eight; reet tional debt as easily as I could my washer-woman! me there, and we'll make a little party. She has a lap dog that eats out of gold; she
[Excunt sederally. feeds her parrot with sinall pearls; and all her thread-papers are made of bank-notes !
SCÉNE II.- A Dressing-Room in Mrs MALACoach. Bravo ! faith! Odd ! I warrant she
PROP's Lodgings. has a set of thousands at least ; but does she draw kindly with the captain ?
LYDIA sitting on a Sofa, with a Book in her Fug. A. fond as pigeons.
hand. Couch. May one hear her name?
Enter Lt Fag. Miss Lydia Languish. But there is an
as just returned from a message. old tough aunt in the way; though, by the by, Lucy. Indeed, ma'am, I traversed half the she has never seen my master; for he got ac town in search of it; I don't believe there's a quainted with miss while on a visit in Glouces circulating library in Bath I ha'n't been at. tershire.
Lydia. And could not you get · The Revard Coach. Well, I wish they were once harnessed of Constancy? together in matrimony. But pray, Mr Fag, what Lucy. No, indeed, ma'am. kind of a place is this Bath? I ha' heard a deal Lydia. Nor The Fatal Connection" of it; here's a mort o' merry-making-ley? Lucy. No, indeed, ma'am,
Fag. Pretty well, Thomas, pretty well; 'tis a Lydia. Nor• The Mistakes of the Heart?" good lounge. In the morning we go to the pump. Lucy. Ma'am, as ill luck would bave it, Mr room, (though neither my master nor 1 drink the Ball said Miss Sukey Saunter had just fetched it waters;) after breakfast, we saunter on the pa- away. rades, or play a game at billiards; at night we Lydia. Heigh-ho!-Did you inquire for 'The dance; but damn the place, I'm tired of it ; their Delicate Distress?" regular hours stupify me! not a fiddle nor a card Lucy:- 0r, The Memoirs of Lady Woodalter eleven! however, Mr Faulkland's gentle- ford ?" Yes, indeed, ma'am. man and I keep it up a little in private parties. where for it; and I might have brought it from I'll introduce you there, Thomas; you'll like him Mr Frederick’s ; but Lady Slattern Lounger, who much.
had just sent it home, had so soiled and dog's Couch. Sure I know Mr Du-Peign; you know eared it, it wa’n't fit for a Christian to read. bis master is to marry Madam Julia.
Lydia, Heigh-bo!-Yes, I always know when
1 asked every
Lady Slattern has been before me. She has a Bath to-day ; so that I protest I shall be teased anost observing thumb; and, I believe, cherishes out of all spirits ! her nails for the convenience of making marginal Julia. Come, come, Lydia, hope for the best. notes. Well, child, what have you brought me? Sir Anthony shall use his interest with Mrs Ma. Lucy. Oh! here, ma'am.
laprop. [Taking books from under her cloak, and Lydia. But you have not heard the worst : from her pockets.
Unfortunately I had quarrelled with my poor This is · The Gordian Knot,' and this 'Pere- Beverley, just before my aunt made the discovery, grine Pickle. Here are ' The Tears of Sensibi- and I have not seen him since, to make it up. lity,' and · Humphrey Clinker.' This is · The Julia. What was his offence? Memoirs of a Lady of Quality, written by her Lydia. Nothing at all! But I don't know how self;' and here the second volume of The Sen- it was, as often as we had been together, we had timental Journey.'
never had a quarrel : And, somehow, I was afraid Lydia. Heigh-ho! What are those books by he would never give me an opportunity. So, last the glass?
Thursday I wrote a letter to myself, to mform Lucy. The great one is only. The Whole Duty myself that Beverley was at that time paying his of Man,' where I press a few blonds, ma'am.
addresses to another woman. I signed it, Your Lydiu. Very well. Give me the sal volatile. Friend Unknown,' shewed it to Beverley, charged Lucy. Is it in a blue cover, ma’am?
him with his falschood, put myself in a violent Lydia. My smelling bottle, you simpleton ! passion, and vowed I'd never see him more. Lucy. O, the drops! here, ma’am.
Julia. And you let him depart so, and have Lydia. Hold ! here's some one coming-quick, not seen him siuce? see who it is
[Exit Lucy. Lydia. 'Twas the next day my aunt found the Surely I heard my cousin Julia's voice!
matter out. I intended only to have teased him
three days and a half, and now I've lost him for Re-enter LUCY. Lucy. Lud! ma'am, here is Miss Melville ! Julia. If he is as deserving and sincere as you Lydia, Is it possible ?
have represented him to me, he will never give Enter JULIA.
you up so.
Yet consider, Lydia; you tell me he
is but an ensign, and you have thirty thousand My dearest Julia, how delighted am I ! (Em- pounds! brace.)
. How unexpected was this happiness! Lydia. But you know I lose most of my forJulia. True, Lydia; and our pleasure is the
tune if I
without my aunt's consent, till of greater; but what has been the matter? You age; and that is what I have determined to do, were denied to me at first.
ever since I knew the penalty. Nor could I love Lydiu. Ah, Jutin, I have a thousand things to the man, who would wish to wait a day for the tell you ! but first inform me what has conjured alternative. you to Bath? Is Sir Anthony here?
Julia. Nay, this is caprice! Julia. He is; we are arrived within this hour; Lydia. What does Julia tax me with caprice? and, I suppose, he will be here to wait on Mrs I thought her lover, Faulkland, had inured her Malaprop as soon as he is dressed.
to it. Lydia. Then, before we are interrupted, let Julia. I do not love even his faults. me impart to you some of my distress! I know Lydia. But, à propos ! you have sent to him, I your gentle nature will sympathize with me, suppose ? though your prudence may condemn me: My Julia. Not yet, upon my word! nor has he the letters have informed you of my whole connec least idea of my being in Bath. Sir Anthony's tion with Beverley—but I have lost him, Julia ! resolution was so sudden, I could not inform him My aunt has discovered our intercourse, by a of it. note she intercepted, and has confined me ever Lydia. Well, Julia, you are your own mistress, since. Yet, would you believe it? she has fallen (though under the protection of Sir Anthony,) yet absolutely in love with a tall frish baronet she have you, for this long year, been a slave to the met one night since we have been here at Lady caprice, the whiin, the jealousy of this ungrateful Macshuffle's rout.
Faulkland, who will ever delay assuming the Julia. You jest, Lydia ?
rights of a husband, while you suffer him to be Lydiu. No, upon my word! She really carries equally imperious as a lover. on a kind of correspondence with him, under a Julia. Nay, you are wrong entirely. We were feigned name though, till she chuses to be known contracted before my father's death. That, and to him-But it is a Delia or a Celia, I assure some consequent embarrassments, have delayed
what I know to be my Faulkland's most ardent Julia. Then surely she is now more indulgent wish. He is too generous to trifle on such a to her niece?
point. And, for his character, you wrong him Lydia. Quite the contrary. Since she has dis- there too. No, Lydia, he is too proud, too noble covered her own frailty, she has become more sus to be jealous; if he is captious, 'tis without dispicious of mine. Then I must inform you of sembling; if fretful, without rudeness. Unused another plague! That odious Acres is to be in to the fopperies of love, he is negligent of the
little duties expected from a lover—but being Lydia. Never mind-open at Sobriety. Fling unhackneyed in the passion, his affection is ar
me Lord Chesterfield's Letters. Now for them. dent and sincere; and, as it engrosses his whole soul, he expects every thought and emotion of Enter Mrs MALAPROP, and Sir ANTHONY ABhis mistress to move in unison with his. Yet, though his pride calls for this full return, his humility makes him undervalue those qualities in Mrs Mal. There, Sir Anthony, there sits the him, which would entitle him to it; and, not feels deliberate simpleton, who wants to disgrace her ing why he should be loved to the degree he family, and lavish herself on a fellow not worth wishes, he still suspects that he is not loved a shilling. enough. This temper, I must own, has cost me Lydia. Madam, I thought you once many unhappy hours; but I have learned to think Mrs Mal. You thought, miss! I don't know myself his debtor for those imperfections which any business you have to think at all. Thought arise from the ardour of his attachment.
does not become a young woman. But the point Lydia. Well, I cannot blame you for defend we would request of you is, that you will promise ing him. But, tell me candidly, Julia, had he to forget this fellow –
to illiterate him, I say, never saved your life, do you think you should quite from your memory. have been attached to him as you are? Believe Lydia. Ah, madam! our memories are inde me, the rude blast that overset your boat, was a pendent of our wills
. It is not easy to forget. prosperous gale of love to him.
Mrs Mal. But I say it is, miss; there is no Julia. Gratitude may have strengthened my thing on earth so easy as to forget, if a person attachment to Mr Faulkland, but I loved him be- chooses to set about it. I'm sure I have as fore he had preserved me; yet, surely, that alone much forgot your poor dear uncle, as if he had were an obligation sufficient
never existed—and I thought it my duty so to Lydia. Obligation! Why, a water-spaniel do; and let me tell you, Lydia, these violent mewould have done as much ! Well, I should never mories don't become a young woman. think of giving my heart to a man, because he Sir Anth. Why, sure, she won't pretend to recould swim !
member what she's ordered not! Ay, this comes Julia. Come, Lydia, you are too inconside- of her reading ! rate.
Lydiu. What crime, madam, have I commitLydia. Nay, I do but jest. What's here? ted, to be treated thus ?
Mrs Mal. Now, don't attempt to extirpate Enter Lucy, in a hurry.
yourself from the matter; you know I have proof Lucy. O, madam, here is Sir Anthony Abso- controvertible of it. But tell me, will you prolute just come home with your aunt !
mise to do as you are bid? Will you take a husLydia. They'll not come here. Lucy, do you band of your friends' choosing? watch.
(Exit Lucy. Lydia. Madam, I must tell you plainly, that Julia. Yet I must go. Sir Anthony does not had I no preference for any one else, the choice know I am here, and if we meet, he'll detain you have made would be my aversion. me, to shew me the town. I'll take another op Mrs Mal. Wbat business have you, miss, with portunity of paying my respects to Mrs Mala- preference and aversion? They don't become a prop, when she shall treat me, as long as she young woman; and you ought to know, that, as chooses, with her select words so ingeniously both always wear off, 'tis safest in matrimony to misapplied, without being mispronounced. begin with a little aversion. I'm sure I hated
your poor dear uncle, before marriage, as if he'd Re-enter LUCY.
been a black-a-moor—and yet, miss, you are sen, Lucy. O lud! Ma'am, they are both coming sible what a wife I made! and when it pleased
Heaven to release me from him, 'tis unknown Lydia. Well, I'll not detain you, coz. Adieu, what tears I shed ! But suppose we were going my dear Julia; I'm sure you are in haste to send to give you another choice, will you promise us to Faulkland. There—through my room you'll to give up this Beverley? find another stair-case.
Lydia. Could I belie my thoughts so far as to Julia. Adieu !-[Embrace.] [Erit Julia. give that promise, my actions would certainly as
Lydia. Here, my dear Lucy, hide these books. far belie my words. Quick, quick! Fling Peregrine Pickle under the Mrs Mal. Take yourself to your room. You toilet-throw Roderick Random into the closet, are fit company for nothing but your own ill hu-put the Innocent Adultery into the whole mours. Duty of Man-thrust Lord Aimworth under the Lydia. Willingly, madam— I cannot change for sofa-cram Ovid behind the bolster-there- the worse.
(Exit Lydia. put the Man of Feeling into your pocket-so, so; Mrs Mal. There's a little intricate hussy for now, lay Mrs Chapone in sight, and leave for you! dyce's Sermons open on the table.
Sir Anth. It is not to be wondered at, madam : Lucy. O, burn it ! Madam, the hair-dresser has all this is the natural consequence of teaching torn away as far as Proper Pride.
girls to read. Had I a thousand daughters, by
up stairs !
Heaven, rd as soon have them taught the black | dare! No, no, Mrs Malaprop, Jack knows that art as their alphabet !
the least demur puts me in a frenzy directly. Mrs Mal. Nay, nay; Sir Anthony, you are an My process was always very simple; in their absolute misanthropy.
younger days, 'twas "Jack, do this; if he demure Sir Anth. In my way hither, Mrs Malaprop, I red, I knocked him down; and if he grumbled at observed your niece's maid coming forth from a that, I always sent him out of the room. circulating library; she had a book in each hand; Bírs Mal. Ay; and the properest way,
my they were half-bound volumes, with marble co conscience! Nothing is so conciliating to young vers: from that moment I guessed how full of people as severity. Well, Sir Anthony, I shall duty I should see her mistress.
give Mr Acres his discharge, and prepare Lydia Mrs Mal. Those are vile places, indeed! to receive your son's invocations; and I hope
Sir Anth. Madam, a circulating library in a you will represent her to the captain as an object town, is as an ever-green tree of diabolical know- not altogether illegible. ledge; it blossoms through the year: and, de Sir Anth. Madam, I will handle the subject pend on it, Mrs Malaprop, that they, who are so prudently. Well, I must leave you; and let me fond of handling the leaves, will long for the fruit beg you, Mrs Malaprop, to enforce this matter at last.
roundly to the girl; take my advice, keep a tight Mrs Mal Fie, fie; Sir Anthony, you surely hand; if she rejects this proposal, clap her under speak laconically
lock and key; and if you were just to let the serSir Anth. Why, Mrs Malaprop, in moderation, vants forget to bring her dinner for three or four now, what would you have a woman know? days, you cann't conceive how she'd come about. Mrs Mal Observe me, Sir Anthony. I would
[Exit Sir Anth. by no means wish a daughter of mine to be a Mrs Mal. Well; at any rate I shall be glad to progeny of learning ; I don't think so much learn- get her from under my intuition. She has someing becomes a young woman; for instance-I | how discovered my partiality for Sir Lucius O'. would never let her meddle with Greek, or He Trigger-sure Lucy cann't have betrayed me! brev, or algebra, or simony, or fluxions, or para- No; the girl is such a simpleton, I should have doxes, or such inflammatory branches of learning; made her confess it. Lucy! Lucy !-(Calls.) neither would it be necessary for her to handle Had she been one of your artificial ones, I should any of your mathematical, astronomical, diaboli- never have trusted her. cal instruments : but, Sir Anthony, I would send her, at nine years old, to a boarding-school, in
Enter LUCY. order to learn a little ingenuity and artifice. Lucy. Did you call, madam ? Then, sir, she should have a supercilious know. Mrs Alal. Yes, girl. Did you see Sir Lucius ledge in accounts; and, as she grew up, I would while you was out ? have her instructed in geometry, that she might Lucy. No, indeed, madam, not a glimpse of know something of the contagious countries; but him. above all, Sir Anthony, she should be mistress of Mrs Mal. You are sure, Lucy, that you never orthodoxy, that she might not mis-spel, and mis- mentionedpronounce words so shamefully as girls usually Lucy. O gemini! I'd sooner cut my tongue do; and likewise, that she might reprehend the true meaning of what she is saying. This, Sir Mrs Mal. Well; don't let your simplicity be Anthony, is what I would have a woman know; imposed on. and I don't think there is a superstitious article Lucy. No, madam. in it
Mrš val. So, come to me presently, and I'll Sir Anth. Well, well, Mrs Malaprop, I will give you another letter to Sir Lucius ; but mind, dispute the point no further with you; though I Lucy, if ever you betray what you are intrusted must confess, that you are a truly moderate and with, (unless it be other people's secrets to me,) polite arguer, for almost every third word you you forfeit my malevolence for ever; and your say is on my side of the question. But, Mrs being a simpleton shall be no excuse for your loMalaprop, to the more important point in de cality.
[Erit Mrs MAL. bate--you say you bave no objection to my pro Lucy. Ha, ha, ha! So, my dear simplicity, let posal?
me give you a little respite-[Altering her manMrs Mal. None, I assure you. I am under ner.]-Let girls in my station be as fond as they no positive engagement with Mr Acres; and as please of appearing expert and knowing in their Lydia is so obstinate against him, perhaps your trusts, commend me to a mask of silliness, and son may have better success.
a pair of sharp, eyes for my own interest under Sir Anth. Well, madam, I will write for the it! Let me see! to what account have I turned boy directly. He knows not a syllable of this my simplicity lately (Looks at a paper.]— For yet, though I have for some time had the propo- abetting Miss Lydia Languish in a design of runsal in my head. He is at present with his regi- ning away, with an ensign! in money, sundry ment.
times, twelve pound twelve-gowns, five-hats, Mrs Mal. We have never seen your son, Sir ruffles, caps, &c.-numberless! From the said Anthony; but I hope no objection on his side? ensign, within this last month, six guineas and a
Sir Anik. Ohjection! Let him object if he half-About a quarter's pay! Ilern. From Mrs
Malaprop, for betraying the young people to her ver snuff-box! Well done, simplicity! Yet I was —when I found matters were like to be disco- forced to make my Hibernian believe, that he vered—two guineas, and a black padusoy. Item. was corresponding, not with the aunt, but with From Mr Acres, for carrying divers letters, the niece : for, though not over-rich, I found be which I never delivered-two guineas, and a pair had too much pride and delicacy to sacrifice the of buckles. Item. From Sir Lucius O’Trigger, feelings of a gentleman to the necessities of his three crowns, two gold pocket-pieces, and a sil- ' fortune.
Fag. He is above, sir, changing his dress. SCENE I.-Captain ABSOLUTE's Lodgings. Abs. Can you tell whether he has been in
formed of Sir Anthony's and Miss Melville's arEnter Captain ABSOLUTE and FAG.
rival? Fag. Sir, while I was there, Sir Anthony came Fug. I fancy not, sir; he has seen no one since in: I told him, you had sent me to inquire after he came in, but his gentleman who was with him his health, and to know if he was at leisure to at Bristol. I think, sir, I heat Mr Faulkland see you.
coming down. Åbs. And what did he say on hearing I was at Abs. Go, tell him I am here. Bath?
Fag. Yes, sir. (Going.) I beg pardon, sir; but Pag. Sir, in my life I never saw an elderly should Sir Anthony call, you will do me the fagentleosan more astonished; he started back two vour to remember, that we are recruiting, if or three paces, rapt out a dozen interjectural you please? oaths, and asked, what the devil had brought you Abs. Well, well. here?
Fag. And, in tenderness to my character, if Abs. Well, sir, and what did you say? your honour could bring in the chairmen and
Fag. O, I lied, sir; I forget the precise lie : waiters, I should esteem it as an obligation; for but you may depend on't, he got no truth from though I never scruple a lie to serve my master, me. Yet, with submission, for fear of blunders yet it hurts one's conscience to be found out. in future, I should be glad to fix what has brought
(Eril. us to Bath: in order that we may lie a little con Abs. Now for my whimsical friend if he does sistently. Sir Anthony's servants were curious, not know that his mistress is here, I'll teaze him sir; very curious indeed.
a little before I tell himAbs. You have said nothing to them ?Fug. O, not a word, sir; not a word. Mr
Enter FAULKLAND. Thomas, indeed, the coachman, (whom I take to Faulkland, you're welcome to Bath again ! you be the discreetest of whips)-
are punctual in your return. Abs. 'Sdeath! You rascal! You have not trust. Faulk. Yes; I had nothing to detain me, when ed him?
I had finished the business I went on. Well, Fag. O no, sir; no, no; not a syllable, upon what news since I left you ? How stand matters my veracity! He was, indeed, a little inquisitive; between you and Lydia ? but I was sly, sir, devilish sly!-My master, (said Abs. Faith, much as they were; I have not seen I,) honest Thomas, (you know, sir, one says ho- her since our quarrel ; however, I expect to be nest to one's inferiors,) is come to Bath to recruit recalled every hour. -Yes, sir, I said, to recruit; and whether for Faulk. Why don't you persuade her to go off men, money, or constitution, you know, sir, is with you at once ? nothing to him, nor any one else.
Abs. What, and lose two-thirds of her fortune? Abs. Well, recruit will do; let it be so You forget that, my friend. No, no; I could
Fag. O, sir, recruit will do surprisingly-in-have brought her to that long ago. deed, to give the thing an air, I told Thomas, that Fuulk. Nay, then, you trifle too long-if you your honour had already inlisted five disbanded are sure of her, propose to the aunt in your own chairmen, scven minority waiters, and thirteen character, and write to Sir Anthony for his conbilliard-markers.
sent. Abs. You blockhead, never say more than is Abs. Softly, softly; for though I am convinced necessary!
my little Lydia would elope with me as Ensign Fag. 'I beg pardon, sir, I beg pardon; but, Beverley, yet am I by no means certain that she with submission, a lie is nothing unless one sup would take me with the impediment of our friends' ports it. Sir, whenever I draw on my invention consent, a regular hum-drum wedding, and the for a good current lie, I always forge indorse reversion of a good fortune on my side : No, no; ments as well as the bill.
I must prepare her gradually for the discovery, Ahs. Well, take care you don't hurt your cre and make myself necessary to her, before I risk dit, by offering too much security.- Is Mr Faulk. it. Well, but, Faulkland, you'll dine with us toland returned?
day at the hotel ?