Faulk. Indeed, I cannot; I am not in spirits to be of such a party. Abs: By heavens! I shall forswear your company. You are the most teasing, captious, incorrigible lover! Do love like a man. Fuulk. I own I am unfit for company. Abs. Am not I a lover, ay, and a romantic one too? Yet, do I carry every where with me such a confounded farrago of doubts, fears, hopes, wishes, and all the flimsy furniture of a country miss's brain? Faulk. Ah, Jack! your heart and soul are not, like mine, fixed immutably on one only object. You throw for a large stake, but losing-you could stake, and throw again: but I have set my sum of happiness on this cast, and not to succeed, were to be stript of all. Abs. But, for Heaven's sake! what grounds for apprehension can your whimsical brain conjure up at present? Faulk. What grounds for apprehension, did you say? leavens! are there not a thousand? I fear for her spirits, her health, her life-My absence may fret her; her anxiety for my return, her fears for me, may oppress her gentle temper. And for her health-does not every hour bring me cause to be alarmed? If it rains, some shower may even then have chilled her delicate frame! If the wind be keen, some rude blast may have affected her! The heat of noon, the dews of the evening, may endanger the life of her, for whom only I value mine. O, Jack! when delicate and feeling souls are separated, there is not a feature in the sky, not a movement of the elements, not an aspiration of the breeze, but hints some cause for a lover's apprehension ! Abs. Ay, but we may chuse whether we will take the hint or not. So then, Faulkland, if you were convinced that Julia were well and in spirits, you would be entirely content. Faulk. I should be happy beyond measure-I am anxious only for that. Abs. Then, to cure your anxiety at once-Miss Melville is in perfect health, and is at this moment in Bath. Faulk. Nay, Jack-don't trifle with me. Abs. She is arrived here, with my father, within this hour. Faulk. Can you be serious? Abs. I thought you knew Sir Anthony better than to be surprised at a sudden whim of this kind. Seriously, then, it is as I tell you-upon my ho nour. Faulk. My dear friend !-Hollo, Du Peigne ! my hat-my dear Jack-now, nothing on earth can give me a moment's uneasiness. Enter FAG. Fag. Sir, Mr Acres, just arrived, is below. Abs. Stay, Faulkland, this Acres lives within a mile of Sir Anthony, and he shall tell you how your mistress has been ever since you left her.Fag, shew the gentleman up. [Exit FAG. Faulk. What, is he much acquainted in the family? VOL. IV. Abs. O, very intimate: I insist on your not going besides, his character will divert you. Faulk. Well, I should like to ask him a few questions. Abs. He is likewise a rival of mine—that is, of my other self's, for he does not think his friend Captain Absolute ever saw the lady in question; and it is ridiculous enough to hear him complain to me of one Beverley, a concealed, sculking rival, who Faulk. Hush! he's here. Enter ACRES. Acres. Hali! my dear friend, noble captain, and honest Jack, how dost thou ? just arrived, faith, as you see. Sir, your humble servant. Warm work on the roads, Jack-Odds whips and wheels! I've travelled like a comet, with a tail of dust all the way, as long as the Mall. Abs. Ah! Bob, you are indeed an eccentric planet; but we know your attraction hither Give me leave to introduce Mr Faulkland to you. Mr Faulkland, Mr Acres. Acres. Sir, I am most heartily glad to see you: Sir, I solicit your connexions.-Hey, Jack, what, this is Mr Faulkland, who Abs. Ay, Bob, Miss Melville's Mr Faulkland. Acres. Odso! she and your father can be but just arrived before me-I suppose you have seen them. Ah! Mr Faulkland, you are indeed a happy man. Faulk. I have not seen Miss Melville yet, sir; I hope she enjoyed full health and spirits in Devonshire? Acres. Never knew her better in my life, sir; never better. Odds blushes and blooms! she has been as healthy as the German Spa. Faulk. Indeed! I did hear that she had been a little indisposed. Acres. False, false, sir; only said to vex you: quite the reverse, I assure you. Faulk. There, Jack, you see she has the advantage of me; I had almost fretted myself ill. Abs. Now are you angry with your mistress for not having been sick! Faulk. No, no; you misunderstand me: yet surely a little trifling indisposition is not an unnatural consequence of absence from those we love. Now, confess, isn't there something unkind in this violent, robust, unfeeling health! Abs. O, it was very unkind of her to be well in your absence, to be sure! Acres. Good apartments, Jack. Faulk. Well, sir, but you was saying that Miss Melville has been so exceedingly well-what, then, she has been merry and gay, I suppose?— Always in spirits, hey? Acres. Merry! odds crickets, she has been the bell and spirit of the company wherever she has been-so lively and entertaining! so full of wit and humour! Faulk. There, Jack, there! O, by my soul, there is an innate levity in woman, that nothing can overcome! What! happy and I away? Abs. Have done: How foolish this is! just 2 R now, you were only apprehensive for your mistress's spirits. Faulk. Why, Jack, have I been the joy and spirit of the company ? Abs. No, indeed, you have not. Faulk. Have I been lively and entertaining? Abs. O, upon my word, I acquit you. Faulk. Have I been full of wit and humour? Abs. No, faith; to do you justice, you have been confoundedly stupid indeed. Acres. What's the matter with the gentleman? Abs. He is only expressing his great satisfaction at hearing that Julia has been so well and happy, that's all-hey, Faulkland? Faulk. Oh! I am rejoiced to hear it—yes, yes, she has a happy disposition! anxious, silent, pensive, sedentary-my days have been hours of care, my nights of watchfulness. She has been all health! spirit! laugh! song! dance !—Oh! damned, damned levity! Abs. For Heaven's sake, Faulkland, don't expose yourself so! Suppose she has danced, what then? does not the ceremony of society often oblige Faulk. Well, well, I'll contain myself-perhaps, as you say, for form sake. What, Mr Acres, you were praising Miss Melville's manner of dancing a minuet, hey? Acres. O,I dare insure her for that—but what I was going to speak of was her country-dancing Odds swimmings! she has such an air with her! Faulk. Now disappointment on her !-defend this, Absolute! why don't you defend this ?Country-dances! jigs and reels! am I to blame now? A minuet I could have forgiven-I should not have minded that-I say I should not have re Acres. That she has indeed-then she is so accomplished, so sweet a voice, so expert at her harpsichord, such a mistress of flat and sharpsquallante, rumblante, and quiverante !-there was this time month, odds minnums and crotch-garded a minuet; but country-dances!-Zounds! ets! how she did chirup at Mrs Piano's concert! Faulk. There again, what say you to this? you see she has been all mirth and song-not a thought of me! Abs. Pho! man! is not music the food of love? Faulk. Well, well, it may be so.-Pray, Mr -what's his damned name?-Do you remember what songs Miss Melville sung? Acres. Not I, indeed. Abs. Stay now, they were some pretty melancholy purling-stream airs, I warrant; perhaps you may recollect: did she sing- When absent from my soul's delight?" Acres. No, that wa'n't it. Abs. Or-Go, gentle gales !'- Go, gentle gales! [Sings. Acres. O no! nothing like it. Odds! now I recollect one of them-My heart's my own, my will is free.' [Sings. Faulk. Fool! fool that I am! to fix all my happiness on such a trifler! 'Sdeath! to make herself the pipe and ballad-monger of a circle! to soothe her light heart with catches and glees! What can you say to this, sir? Abs. Why, that I should be glad to hear my mistress had been so merry, sir. Faulk. Nay, nay, nay; I'm not sorry that she has been happy-no, no; I am glad of that-I would not have had her sad or sick-yet, surely, a sympathetic heart would have shewn itself even in the choice of a song-she might have been temperately healthy, and, somehow, plaintively gay-but she has been dancing too, I doubt not! Acres. What does the gentleman say about dancing? Abs. He says the lady we speak of dances as well as she sings. Acres. Ay, truly, does she-there was at our last race ball Faulk. Hell and the devil! There! there-I told you so! I told you so! Oh! she thrives in my absence!-Dancing! but her whole feelings have been in opposition-with mine. I have been had she made one in a cotillion, I believe I could have forgiven that; but to be monkey-led for a night! to run the gauntlet through a string of amorous palming puppies; to shew paces like a managed filly !—O, Jack, there never can be but one man in the world, whom a truly modest and delicate woman ought to pair with in a countrydance; and even then, the rest of the couples should be her great uncles and aunts! Abs. Ay, to be sure! grandfathers and grandmothers! Faulk. If there be but one vicious mind in the set, 'twill spread like a contagion: the action of their pulse beats to the lascivious movement of the jig; their quivering, warm-breathed sighs, impregnate the very air; the atmosphere becomes electrical to love; and each amorous spark darts through every link of the chain !—I must leave you-I own I am somewhat flurried; and that confounded looby has perceived it. [Going. Abs. Nay, but stay, Faulkland, and thank Mr Acres for his good news! Faulk. Damn his news! [Exit FAULK. Abs. Ha, ha, ha! poor Faulkland! Five minutes since, nothing on earth could give him a moment's uneasiness! Acres. The gentleman was not angry at my praising his mistress! was he? Abs. A little jealous, I believe, Bob. Acres. You don't say so? Ha, ha! jealous of me! that's a good joke! Abs. There's nothing strange in that, Bob; let me tell you, that sprightly grace, and insinuating manner of yours, will do some mischief among the girls here! Acres. Ah, you joke! ha, ha, mischief! ha, ha! but, you know, I am not my own property; my dear Lydia has forestalled me! She could never abide me in the country, because I used to dress so badly; but odds frogs and tambours, I sha'n't take matters so here now, ancient madam has no voice in it-I'll make my old clothes know who's master-I shall straightway cashier the hunting-frock, and render my leather breeches incapable My hair has been in training some time. Abs. Indeed! Acres. Ay; and tho'ff the side curls are a little restive, my hind-part takes it very kindly. Abs. O, you'll polish, I doubt not. Acres. Absolutely I propose so-then, if I can find out this Ensign Beverley, odds triggers and flints! I'll make him know the difference o't. Abs. Spoke like a man !-but pray, Bob, I observe you have got an odd kind of a new method of swearing Acres. Ha, ha! you've taken notice of it-'tis genteel, is not it?-I did not invent it myself though; but a commander in our militia, a great scholar, I assure you, says that there is no meaning in the common oaths; and that nothing but their antiquity makes them respectable; because, he says, the ancients would never stick to an oath or two, but would say, by Jove! or by Bacchus ! or by Mars! or by Venus! or by Pallas! according to the sentiment; so that, to swear with propriety, says my little major, the oath should be an echo to the sense; and this we call the oath referential, or sentimental swearing, ha, ha, ha! 'tis genteel, is not it? Abs. Very genteel, and very new, indeed; and, I dare say, will supplant all other figures of imprecation. Acres. Ay, ay, the best terms will grow obsolete-Damns have had their day. Enter FAG. Fag. Sir, there is a gentleman below desires to see you-Shall I shew him into the parlour ? Abs. Ay; you may. Acres. Well, I must be gone Abs. Stay; who is it, Fag? Abs. You puppy, why did not you shew him up directly? [Exit FAG. Acres. You have business with Sir Anthony. I expect a message from Mrs Malaprop at my lodgings. I have sent also to my dear friend Sir Lucius O'Trigger. Adieu, Jack; we must meet at night, when you shall give me a dozen bumpers to little Lydia. Abs. That I will with all my heart. [Erit ACRES.] Now for a parental lecture. I hope he has heard nothing of the business that has brought me here. I wish the gout had held him fast in Devonshire, with all my soul! Enter Sir ANTHONY. Sir, I am delighted to see you here, and looking 60 well! your sudden arrival at Bath made me apprehensive for your health. Sir Anth. Very apprehensive, I dare say, Jack. What! you are recruiting here, hey? Abs. Yes, sir; I am on duty. Sir Anth. Well, Jack, I am glad to see you, though I did not expect it; for I was going to write to you on a little matter of business. Jack, I have been considering that I grow old and infirm, and shall probably not trouble you long. | Abs. Pardon me, sir! I never saw you look more strong and hearty; and I pray fervently that you may continue sɔ. Sir Anth. I hope your prayers may be heard with all my heart. Well, then, Jack, I have been considering that I am so strong and hearty, I may continue to plague you a long time. Now, Jack, I am sensible that the income of your commission, and what I have hitherto allowed you, is but a small pittance for a lad of your spirit. Abs. Sir, you are very good. Sir Anth. And it is my wish, while yet I live, to have my boy make some figure in the world. I have resolve, therefore, to fix you at once in a noble independence. Abs. Sir, your kindness overpowers me-such generosity makes the gratitude of reason more lively than the sensations even of filial affection. Sir Anth. I am glad you are so sensible of my attention; and you shall be master of a large estate in a few weeks. Abs. Let my future life, sir, speak my gratitude; I cannot express the sense I have of your munificence. Yet, sir, I presume you would not wish me to quit the army? Sir Anth. O, that shall be as your wife chooses. Sir Anth. Ay, ay; settle that between you; settle that between you. Abs. A wife, sir! did you say? Sir Anth. Ay, a wife; why, did not I mention her before? Abs. Not a word of her, sir. Sir Anth. Odd so!-I must not forget her though. Yes, Jack, the independence I was talking of, is by a marriage; the fortune is saddled with a wife; but, I suppose, that makes no difference? Abs. Sir, sir?-you amaze me! Sir Anth. Why, what the devil's the matter with the fool? Just now, you were all gratitude and duty. Abs. I was, sir-you talked to me of independence and a fortune, but not a word of a wife! Sir Anth. Why, what difference does that make! Odds life, sir! if you have the estate, you must take it with the live stock on it, as it stands. Abs. If my happiness is to be the price, I must beg leave to decline the purchase. who is the lady? Pray, sir, Sir Anth. What's that to you, sir?-Come, give me your promise to love, and to marry her directly. Abs. Sure, sir, this is not very reasonable, to summon my affections for a lady I know nothing of! 628 Sir Anth. Let her foreclose, Jack; let her besides, foreclose; they are not worth redeeming ; you have the angel's vows in exchange, I suppose; so there can be no loss there. Abs. You must excuse me, sir, if I tell you, once for all, that in this point I cannot obey you. Sir Anth. Hark'e, Jack ;-I have heard you for some time with patience-I have been coolquite cool; but take care-you know I am complaisance itself-when I am not thwarted ;-no one more easily led, when I have my own way; -but don't put me in a phrenzy. Abs. Sir, I must repeat it-in this, I cannot obey you. Sir Anth. Now, damn me if ever I call you Jack again while I live! Abs. Nay, sir, but hear me. Sir Anth. Sir, I won't hear a word—not a word -not one word! so give me your promise by a nod-and I'll tell you what, Jack-I mean, you dog-if you don't, by Abs. What, sir, promise to link myself to some mass of ugliness? to me; but get an atmosphere and a sun of your own! I'll strip you of your commission; I'll lodge a five-and-threepence in the hands of trustees, and you shall live on the interest.-I'll disown you, I'll disinherit you, I'll unget you! and damn me, if ever I call you Jack again! [Exit SIR ANTH. Abs. Mild, gentle, considerate father, I kiss your hands. What a tender method of giving his opinion in these matters Sir Anthony has! I dare not trust him with the truth. I wonder what old, wealthy hag it is that he wants to bestow on me! -yet, he married, himself, for love! and was, in his youth, a bold intriguer, and a gay companion! Enter FAG. Fag. Assuredly, sir, your father is wrath to a degree: he comes down stairs eight or ten stepe at a time, muttering, growling, and thumping the banisters all the way: I, and the cook's dog, stand bowing at the door-rap! he gives me a stroke on the head with his cane, bids me carry that to my master; then, kicking the poor turnspit into the area, damns us all, for a puppy triumvirate ! Sir Anth. Zounds, sirrah! the lady shall be as ugly as I choose: she shall have a hump on Upon my credit, sir, were I in your place, and each shoulder; she shall be as crooked as the found my father such very bad company, I should crescent; her one eye shall roll like the bull's in certainly drop his acquaintance. Abs. Cease your impertinence, sir, at present Cox's museum; she shall have a skin like a mummy; and the beard of a Jew :-she shall be all-Did you come in for nothing more?-Stand out this, sirrah!-yet, I will make you ogle her all day, and sit up all night to write sonnets on her beauty. Abs. This is reason and moderation, indeed! Sir Anth. None of your sneering, puppy! no grinning, jackanapes! Abs. Indeed, sir, I never was in a worse humour for mirth in my life. Sir Anth. 'Tis false, sir; I know you are laughing in your sleeve; I know you'll grin when I am gone, sirrah! Abs. Sir, I hope I know my duty better. Sir Anth. None of your passion, sir; none of your violence, if you please-It won't do with me, I promise you. Abs. Indeed, sir, I never was cooler in my life. Sir Anth. 'Tis a confounded lie!-I know you are in a passion in your heart; I know you are, you hypocritical young dog! but it won't do. Abs. Nay, sir, upon my word! Sir Anth. So you will fly out? can't you be cool, like me? What the devil good can passion do-Passion is of no service, you impudent, insolent, overbearing reprobate! There, you sneer again!-Don't provoke me !—but you rely upon the mildness of my temper-you do, you dog! you play upon the meekness of my disposition! Yet, take care-the patience of a saint may be overcome at last!-but mark! I give you six hours and a half to consider of this: if you then agree, without any condition, to do every thing on earth that I choose, why-confound you! I may in time forgive you-If not, zounds, don't enter the same hemisphere with me! don't dare to breathe the same air, or use the same light with of the way. [Pushes him aside, and exit. Fag. So, Sir Anthony trims my master: He is afraid to reply to his father, then vents his spleen on poor Fag!-When one is vexed by one person, to revenge one's self on another, who happens to come in the way-is the vilest injustice! Ah! it shews the worst temper—the basest Enter Errand Boy. Boy. Mr Fag! Mr Fag! your master calls you. Fug. Quick, quick, you impudent jackanapes! am I to be commanded by you, too! you little impertinent, insolent, kitchen-bred [Exit, kicking and beating him. SCENE II.-The North Parade. Enter LUCY. Lucy. So I shall have another rival to add to my mistress's list-Captain Absolute.—However, I shall not enter his name till my purse has received notice in form. Poor Acres is dismissed!--Well, I have done him a last friendly of fice, in letting him know that Beverley was here before him. Sir Lucius is generally more punctual, when he expects to hear from his dear Dalia, as he calls her: I wonder he's not here!-I have a little scruple of conscience from this deceit; though I should not be paid so well, if my hero knew that Delia was near fifty, and her own mis tress. Enter Sir LUCIUS O'TRIGGER. Sir Luc. Hah! my little ambassadress-Upon my conscience, I have been looking for you; I have been on the south parade this half hour. Lucy. [Speaking simply.] O gemini! and I have been waiting for your worship here on the north! Sir Luc. Faith!-may be, that was the reason we did not meet; and it is very comical too, how you could go out, and I not see you-for I was only taking a nap at the parade coffee-house, and I chose the window, on purpose that I might not miss you. do a dirty action. If I did not want money, I would steal your mistress and her fortune with a great deal of pleasure. However, my pretty girl, [Gives her money,] here's a little something to buy you a ribband; and meet me in the evening, and I'll give you an answer to this. So, hussy, take a kiss before-hand, to put you in mind. [Kisses her. Lucy. O lud, Sir Lucius! I never sced such a gemman! My lady won't like you if you are so impudent. Sir Luc. Faith, she will, Lucy; that samepho! what's the name of it ?-modesty—is a quaLucy. My stars! Now, I would wager a six-lity in a lover more praised by the women than pence I went by while you were asleep! Sir Luc. Sure enough it must have been soand I never dreamt it was so late till I waked. Well, but my little girl, have you got nothing for me? Lucy. Yes, but I have-I've got a letter for you in my pocket. Sir Luc. O, faith, I guessed you were not come empty-handed! Well; let me see what the dear creature says. Lucy. There, Sir Lucius. [Gives him a letter. Sir Luc. [Reads] "Sir-There is often a sudden incentive impulse in love, that has a greater induction than years of domestic combination : such was the commotion I felt at the first superfluous view of Sir Lucius O'Trigger." Very pretty, upon my word. "Female punctuation forbids me to say more; yet, let me add, that it will give me joy infallible to find Sir Lucius worthy the last criterion of my affections. DELIA." Upon my conscience, Lucy, your lady is a great mistress of language! Faith, she's quite the queen of the dictionary! for the devil a word dare refuse coming at her call-though one would think it was quite out of hearing. Lucy. Ay, sir, a lady of her experience. Sir Luc. Experience! what, at seventeen! Lucy. O, true, sir—but then she reads so—my stars! how she will read off hand! Sir Luc. Faith, she must be very deep read to write this way, though she is rather an arbitrary writer, too; for here are a great many poor words pressed into the service of this note, that would get their habeas corpus from any court in Chrisendom. Lucy. Ah, Sir Lucius! If you were to hear how she talks of you! Sir Luc. O, tell her I'll make her the best husband in the world, and Lady O'Trigger into the bargain! But we must get the old gentlewoman's consent, and do every thing fairly. Lucy. Nay, Sir Lucius; I thought you was not rich enough to be so nice! Sir Luc. Upon my word, young woman, you have hit it: I am so poor, that I cannot afford to | liked; so, if your mistress asks you whether Sir Lucius ever gave you a kiss, tell her fifty, my dear. Lucy. What, would you have me tell her a lie? Sir Luc. Ah, then, you baggage, I'll make it a truth presently. Lucy. For shame, now! here is some one coming. So. Sir Luc. O, faith, I'll quiet your conscience! [Sees FAG. Exit, humming a tune. Enter FAG. Fug. So, so, madam! I humbly beg pardon. Fag. Come, come, Lucy; here's no one byso a little less simplicity, with a grain or two more sincerity, if you please. You play false with us, madam. I saw you give the baronet a letter. My master shall know this; and if he don't call him out, I will. Lucy. Ha, ha, ha! you gentlemen's gentlemen are so hasty. That letter was from Mrs Malaprop, simpleton. She is taken with Sir Lucius's address. Fag. How what tastes some people have! Why, I suppose I have walked by her window an hundred times. But what says your young lady? Any message to my master ? Lucy. Sad news, Mr Fag! A worse rival than Acres Sir Anthony Absolute has proposed his son. Fag. What! Captain Absolute ? Lucy. Even so I overheard it all. Fag. Ha, ha, ha! very good, faith! Good bye, Lucy; I must away with this news. Lucy. Well; you may laugh; but it is true, I assure you. [Going.] But, Mr Fag, tell your master not to be cast down by this. Fag. O, he'll be so disconsolate! Lucy. And charge him not to think of quarrelling with young Absolute. Fag. Never fear! never fear! Lucy. Be sure; bid him keep up his spirits, Fag. We willwe will. [Exeunt severally. |