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madam, d'ye think I could be so unreasonable Per. Why, she's a critic, sir; she hates a jest, as to make you fast all your life long? No, I did for fear it should please her; and nothing keeps but jest ; you shall have your liberty. Here, take her in humour, but what gives her the spleen. your contract, and give me mine.
And then for logic, and all that, you know Ori. No, I won't.
Dur. Ay, ay, I'm prepared; I have been pracMir. Eh! What, is the girl a fool ?
tising hard words and no sense this hour, to enOri. No, sir, you shall find me cunning enough tertain her. to do myself justice; and since I must not de Pet. Then place yourself behind this screen, pend upon your love, I'll be revenged, and force that you may have a view of her behaviour beyou to marry me out of spite.
fore you begin. Mir. Then I'll beat thee out of spite, and Dur. I long to engage her, lest I should formake a most confounded husband.
get my lesson. Ori. Ob, sir, I shall match ye: a good hus Pei. Here she comes, sir : I must fly. band makes a good wife at any time.
[Exit Pet., und Dur. stunds peeping behind Mir. I'll rattle down your china about your
the curtain. Ori. And I'll rattle about the city, to run you
Enter BISARRE and Muid. in debt for more.
Bis. [With a book.] Pshaw! hang books! they Mir. Your face-mending toilet shall fly out of sour our temper, spoil our eyes, and ruin our. the window.
[Throws away the book. Ori. And your face-mending periwig shall fiy Dur. Eh! the devil such a word there is in after it.
all Aristotle. Mir. I'll tear the furbelow off your clothes; Bis. Come, wench, let's be free; call in the and when you swoon for vexation, you sha’n’t fiddle; there's nobody near us. have a penng to buy a bottle of hartshorn. Ori. And you, sir, shall have hartshorn in
Enter Fiddler. abundance.
Dur. Would to the Lord there was not ! Hir. I'll keep as many mistresses as I have Bis. Here, friend, a minuet—; ker time, coach-horses.
ha !--Would we had a man or #w! Ori. And I'll keep as many gallants as you have Dur. (Stealing away.) You shall have the degrooms.
vil sooner, my dear dancing philosopher. vir. I'll lie with your woman before your Bis. Uds my life! here's one.
įRuns to DURETETE, and hauls him back. Ori. Have a care of your valet behind your Dur. Is all my learned preparation come to
this? Mir. But, sweet madam, there is such a thing Bis. Come, sir, don't be ashamed; that's my as a divorce.
good boy. You're very welcome; we wanted Ori. But, sweet sir, there is such a thing as such a one-Come, strike up-I know you dance alimony; so, divorce on, and spare not. (Exit. well, sir ; you're fine shap'd for it-Come,
Mir. Ay, that separate maintenance is the de come, sir; quick, quick; you miss the time else. vil--there's their refuge. O’ my conscience, Dur. But, madam, I come to talk with you. one would take cuckoldom for a meritorious ac Bis. Ay, ay, talk as you dance, talk as you tion, because the women are so handsomely re dance:--Come. warded for it.
Dur. But we were talking of dialectics.
Bis. Hang dialectics! mind the tineSCENE II.-Changes to a large Parlour in the quicker, sirrah. (To the Fiddler.]-Come, same House.
And how d’ye find yourself now, sir?
Dur. In a fine breathing sweat, doctor.
Bis. All the better, patient, all the better. Dur. And she is mighty peevish, you say? Come, sir, sing now, sing; I know you sing well;
Pet, Oh, sir, she has a tongue as long as my I see you have a singing face; a heavy, dull, soleg, and talks so crabbedly, you would think she always spoke Welch!
Dur. Who! I sing? Dur. That's an odd language, methinks, for Bis. Oh, you're modest, sir!-But come sit
down; closer, closer.-Here, a bottle of wine Pet. But sometimes she will sit you half a day -Come, sir,-fa, la, ley; sing, sir, without speaking a word, and talk oracles all the Dur. But, madam, I came to talk with you. while by the wrinkles of her forehead, and the Bis. Oh, sir, you shall drink first ! Come, fill motions of her eye-brows.
me a bumper-Here, sir, bless the king. Dur. Nay, I shall match her in philosophical Dur. Would I were out of his dominionsogles, faith; that's my talent: I can talk' best, By this light, she'll make me drunk too. you must know, when I say nothing.
Bis. Oh, pardon me, sir; you shall do me right! Pel. But d'ye ever laugh, sir?
fill it higher-Now, sir, can you drink a health Dur. Laugh! Won't she endure laughing? under your leg?
Dur. Rare philosophy that, faith.
Bis. Oh, cry you mercy! I saw you just now; Bis. Come, off with it to the bottom I mistook you, upon my word: you are one of Now, how d’ye like me, sir ?
the travelling gentlemen.-And pray, sir, how Dur. Oh, mighty well, madam!
do all our impudent friends in Italy? Bis. You see how a woman's fancy varies; Dur. Madam, I came to wait upon you with sometimes splenetic and heavy, then gay and a more serious intention than your entertainment frolicsome.-And how d'ye like the humour ? has answered.
Dur. Good madam, let me sit down to answer Bis. Sir, your intention of waiting on me was you; for I am heartily tired.
the greatest affront imaginable, however your Bis. Fie upon't! a young man, and tired! Up, expressions may turn it to a compliment. Your for shame, and walk about: action becomes us visit, sir, was intended as a prologue to a very -a little faster, sir-What d'ye think now of scurvy play, of which Mr Mirabel and you so my Lady La Pale, and Lady Coquette, the duke's handsomely laid the plot.—Marry! No, no, I'm fair daughter? ha ! Are they not brisk lasses ? a man of more honour. Where's your honour? Then there is black Mrs Bellair, and brown Mrs Where's your courage now? Ads my life, sir, I Bellface.
have a great mind to kick you. Go, go to your Dur. They are all strangers to me, madam. fellow-rake now; rail at my sex, and get drunk
Bis. But let me tell you, sir, that brown is not for vexation, and write a lampoon. But I must always despicable. Oh, lard, sir, if
Mrs have you to know, sir, that my reputation is Bagatelle had kept herself single till this time o' above the scandal of a libel ; my virtue is suffiday, what a beauty there liad been ! And then, ciently approved to those whose opinion is my you know the charming Mrs Monkeylove, the interest; and for the rest, let them talk what fair gem of St. Germain's.
they will; for, when I please, I'll be what I please, Dur. Upon my soul, I don't.
in spite of you, and all mankind; and so, my dear Bis. And then you must have heard of the man of honour, if you be tired, con over this • English beau, Spleenamore; how unlike a gen- lesson, and sit there till I come to you. tleman
(Runs off Dur. Hey !-not a syllable on't, as I hope to Dur. Tum ti dum. (Sings.] Ha, ha, ha! Ads be saved, madam.
my life, sir, I have a great mind to kick you Bis. No! Why, then, play me a jig. Come, Oons and confusion ! (Starts up.] Was ever man
so abused ?-Ay, Mirabel set me on. Dur. By this light, I cannot :—faith, madam, I have sprained my leg.
Pet. Well, sir, how d’ye find yourself? errand? Quick, quick; dispatch-Odso, may be
Dur. You son of a nine-eyed whore, d'ye you are some gentleman's servant that has come to abuse me? I'll kick you with a venbrought me a letter, or haunch of venison. geance, you dog! Dur. 'Sdeath, madam! do I look like a car
(Petit runs off, and Dur. after him, rier!
Old Mir. Come hither, my dear friend : dost SCENE I.-Continues.
see this picture! (Sheus him a little picture.
Mir. Oriana's! Pshaw !
Old Mir. What, sir, won't you look upon it?
-Bob, dear Bob, prythee come hither now.
Dost want any money, child ?
Mir. That's a little out of my comprehension, Old Mir. Why, then, here's some for thee. sir; for I've heard say, that I resemble my fa- Conic here now. How canst thou be so hardther.
hearted an unnatural, unmannerly rascal, (don't Old Mir. Your father is your very humble mistake me, child; í an't angry,) as to abuse slave. I tell thee what, child, thou art a very this tender, lovely, good-naturd, dear rogue? pretty fellow, and I love thee heartily; and a Why, she sighs for thee, and cries for thee, pouts very great villain, and I hate thee mortally. for thee, and sobs for thee; the poor little heart
Mir. Villain, sir ! then I must be a very im- of it is like to burst. Come, my dear boy, be pudent one; for I cann't recollect any passage of good-natured, like your own father, be nowidy life that I'm ashamed of.
and then see here, read this the ethgies of the
lovely Oriana, with ten thousand pounds to her nour for you and your family, and shall take care portion; ten thousand pounds, you dog; ton that your only and beloved son shall do nothing thousand pounds, you rogue: how dare you re to make him hate his fatber, or to hang himself. fuse a lady with ten thousand pounds, you impu- So, dear sir, I'm your very humble servant: dent rascal?
Old Miir. Here, sirrah, rogue, Bob, villain ! Mir. Will you hear me speak, sir?
(Runs of Old Mir. Hear you speak, sir ! If you had ten
Enter DUGARD. thousand tongues, you could not out-talk ten
Dug. Ah, sir ! 'tis but what he deseryes. thousand pounds, sir.
Old Mir. 'Tis false, sir, he don't deserve it :Mir. Nay, sir, if you won't hear me, I'll be what have you to say against my boy, sir? gone, sir; I'll take post for Italy this moment.
Dug. I shall only repeat your own words. Old Mir. Ah, the fellow knows I won't part Old Mir. What have you to do with my words? with him! (Aside.} Well, sir, what have you to I have swallowed my words already, I have eaten say? Dir. The universal reception, sir, that mar
them up; and how can you come at them, sir? riage has had in the world, is enough to fix it for
Dug: Very easily, sir; 'tis but mentioning
your injured ward, and you will throw them up a public good, and to draw every body into the again immediate!y. common cause; but there are some constitutions
Old Mir. Sir, your sister was
foolish young like some instruments, so peculiarly singular, that Airt, to trust any such young, deceitful, rake-helthey make tolerable music by themselves, but ly rogue, like him. never do well in a concert.
Dug. Cry you mercy, old gentleman! I thought Old Mir. Why, this is reason I must confess, we should have the words again. but yet it is nonsense too; for though you Old Mir. And what then? 'Tis the way with should reason like an angel, if you argue your- young fellows to slight old gentlemen's words ; self out of a good estate, you talk like a fool. you never mind them when you ought. I say
Mir. But, sir, if you bribe me into bondage ! that Bob's an honest fellow, and who dares deny with the riches of Cræsus, you leave me but ait ? beggar, for want of my liberty. Old Mir. Was ever such a perverse fool heard :
Enter BISARRE. -'Sdeath, sir, why did I give you education? Bis. That dare I, sir; I say, that your son is a Was it to dispute me out of my senses ?-Of what wild, foppish, whimsical, impertinent coxcomb; colour, now, is the head of this cane ? You'll say and were I abused as this gentleman's sister is, 'tis white, and, ten to one, make me believe it I would make it an Italian quarrel, and poison 100.-I thought that young fellows studied to get the whole family, money.
Dug. Come, sir, 'tis no time for trifling; my Mir. No, sir, I have studied to despise it: my sister is abused, you are made sensible of the atreading was not to make me rich, but happy, front, and your honour is concerned to see her sir.
redressed. Old Mir. There he has me again now! But, Old Mir, Look ye, Mr Dugard, good words sir, did not I marry to oblige you?
go farthest. I will do your sister justice, but it Mir. To oblige me, sir! in what respect, must be after my own rate ; noboly must abuse pray?
my son but myself : for although Robin be a sad Old Mir. Why, to bring you into the world, dog, yet he's nobody's puppy but my own. sir ; wa’n't that an obligation ?
Bıs, Ay, that's my sweet-natured, kind old Mir. And because I would have it still an gentleman. [IV heedling him.) We will be good obligation, I avoid marriage.
then, if you'll join with us in the plot. Old Mir. How is that, sir ?
old Mir. Ah, you coaxing young baggage ! Mir. Because I would not curse the hour I What plot can you have to wheedle a fellow of was born.
sixty-three? Old Mir. Look ye, friend, you may persuadle Bis. A plot that sixty-three is only good for-to me out of my designs, but I'll command you out bring other people together, sir ; a Spanish plot, of yours; and though you may convince my rea less dangerous than that of eighty-eight; and son that you are in the right, yet there is an old you must act the Spaniard, because your son will attendant of sixty-three, called positiveness, | least suspect you; and if he should, your authoriwhich you nor all the wits in Italy shall never be ty protects you from a quarrel, to which Oriana able to shake. Šo, sir, you're a wit, and I'm a is unwilling to expose her brother. father; you may talk, but I'll be obeyed. Old Mir, And what part will you act in the
Mir. This it is to have the son a finer gen- business, madam? tleman than the father ; they first give us breed Bis. Myself, sir! My friend is grown a perfect ing that they don't understand, then they turn changeling: these foolish hearts of ours spoil our us out of doors because we are wiser than them- heads presently: the fellows no sooner turn selves. But l'in a little aforehand with the old knaves, but we turn fools. But I am still myself, gentleman. [Aside.) Sir, you have been pleased and he may expect the most severe usage from to settle a thousand pounds sterling a-year upon me, because I neither love him nor hate him. me; in return of which, I have a very great ho
Old Mir. Well said, Mrs Paradox: but, sir, tron, shall hardly give you thanks for your trouwho must open the matter to him?
ble. Dug. Petit, sir, who is our engineer-general. Bis. Come, sir, to let you see what little founAnd here he comes.
dation you have for your dear sufficiency, I'U
take you to pieces. Enter Petit.
Mir. And what piece will you choose ? Pet. On, sir, more discoveries ! Are all friends Bis. Your heart, to be sure ; 'cause I would about us?
get presently rid on't: your courage I would give Dug. Ay, ay, speak freely.
to a Hector, your wit to a lewd play-maker, your Pei. You must know, sir -Ods my life, I'm honour to an attorney, your body to the physiout of breath—You must know, sir-you must cians, and your soul to its master. know
Mir. I had the oddest dream last night of the Old Mir. What the devil must we know, Duchess of Burgundy; methought the furbelows sir ?
of her gown were pinned up so high behind, Pet. That I have (Pants and blows] bribed, sir that I could not see her head for her tail.
-bribed -your son's secretary of state. Bis. The creature don't mind me! Do you Old Mir. Secretary of state! who's that, for think, sir, that your humourous impertinence can Heaven's sake?
divert me? No, sir, I'm above any pleasure that Pet. His valet-de-chambre, sir. -You must
you can give, but that of seeing you miserable. know, sir, that the intrigue lay folded up with his And mark me, sir: my friend, my injured friend, master's clothes ; and when he went to dust the shall yet be doubly happy; and you shall be a embroidered suit, the secret flew out of the right husband as much as the rites of marriage and the pocket of bis coat, in a whole swarm of your breach of them can make you. crambo songs, short-footed odes, and long-legged [Here MIRABEL pulls out a Virgil, and reads Pindarics.
to himself, while she speaks. Old Mir. Impossible !
Mir. [Reading.) At Regina dolos ( quis fallere Pet. Ah, sir, he has loved her all along! There
possit amantem ?) was Oriana in every line : but he hates marriage. Dissimulare etium sperásti, perfide tantumNow, sir, this plot will stir up his jealousy; and Very true.we shall know, by the strength of that, how to
Posse nefas. proceed farther. Come, sir, let's about it with By your favour, friend Virgil, 'twas but a rascally speed.
trick of your hero to forsake poor pug so inhu
manly. 'Tis expedition gives our king the sway ; Bis. I don't know what to say to him.—The For expedition to the French gave way; devil—What's Virgil to do with us, sir? Swift to attack, or swift-- to run away. Mir. Very much, madam; the most à propos
(L'xeunt. in the world for what should I chop upon, but Enter MIRABEL and BISARRE, passing cure
the very place where the perjured rogue of a lolessly by one another.
ver and the forsaken lady are battling it tooth
and nail. Come, madam, spend your spirits no Bis. (Aside.) I wonder what she can see in this longer ; we'll take an easier method : I'll be fellow, to like him?
Æneas now, and you shall be Dido, and we'll Mir. [ Aside.] I wonder what my friend can see rail by book. Now for you, Madam Dido. in this girl, to admire her? Bis
. (Aside.] A wild, foppish, extravagant rake Nec te noster amor, nec te data dextera quonhell.
dam, Mir. (Așide.] A light, whimsical, impertinent Nec moritura tenet creduli funere Dido.mad-cap.
Ah, poor Dido!
(Looking at her. Bis. "Whom do you mean, sir?
Bis. Rudeness, affronts, impatience! I could Mir. Whom do you mean, madam ?
almost start out even to manhood, and want but Bis. A fellow that has nothing left to re-esta
a weapon as long as his to fight him upon the blish him for a human creature, but a prudent spot! What shall I say? resolution to hang himself.
Mir. Now she rants. Mir. There is a way, madam, to force me to that resolution.
Quæ quibus anteferam ? jam, jam nec maxima Bis. I'll do't with all my heart.
Juno. Mir. Then you must marry me.
Bis. A man! No, the woman's birth was spiBis. Look ye, sir, don't think your ill manners to me shall excuse your ill usage of my friend;
Mir. Right, right, madam, the very words. nor, by fixing a quarrel here, to divert my zeal for the absent; for I'm resolved, nay, I com
Bis. And some pernicious elf left it in the cra
dle, with human shape to palliatc growing mis. prepared to make you a panegyric, that shall
chief. mortify your pride like any modern dedication. Mir. And I, madam, like a true modern pa
(Both speak together, and raise their voices by
Mir. Perfide, sed duris genuit te cautibus hor. Pet. 'Tis enough, sir--I come to tell you, sir,
that Oriana is this moment to be sacrificed; marCaucasus, Hyrcanæque admorunt ubera Tigres. ried, past redemption.
Mir. I understand her; she'll take a husband Bis. Go, sir, Aly to your, midnight revels. out of spite to me, and then, out of love to me, Mir. Excellent !
she will make him a cuckold: 'tis ordinary witha I sequere Italiam ventis, pete regna per undas,
women to marry one person for the sake of
another, and to throw themselves into the arms Spero equidem mediis, si quid pia numina possunt. of one they hate, to secure their pleasure with
[Together again. the man they love. But who is the happy man? Bis. Converse with imps of darkness of your Pet. A lord, sir. make; your nature starts at justice, and shivers Mir. I'm her ladyship’s most humble servant. at the touch of virtue.- Now the devil take his A train and a title, hey! Room for my lady's impudence; he vexes me so, I don't know whe- coach! A front row in the box for her ladyship! ther to cry or laugh at him.
[Aside. Lights, lights for her honour! Now must'I be a Mir. Bravely performed, my dear Libyan : constant attender at my lord's levee, to work my I'll write the tragedy of Dido, and you shall act way to my lady's couchee:-a countess, I presume, the part: but you do nothing at all, unless you sir. fret yourself into a fit; for here the poor laciy is Pet. A Spanish count, sir, that Mr Dugard stifled with vapours, drops into the arms of her knew abroad, is come to Paris, saw your mistress maids; and the cruel, barbarous, deceitful wan- yesterday, marries her to-day, and whips her derer is, in the very next line, called pious Æneas. into Spain to-morrow. - There's authority for ye.
Mir. Ay; is it so; and must I follow my
cuckold over the Pyrenees? Had she married Sorry indeed Æneas stood,
within the precincts of a billet-doux, I would be To see her in a pout;
the man to lead her to church; but, as it hapBut Jove himseif, who ne'er thought good
pens, I'll forbid the banns. Where is this mighty To stay a second bout,
Don. Commands him off, with all his crew,
Pet. Have a care, sir ; he's a rough, cross-grainAnd leaves pour Dy, as I leave you.
ed piece, and there's no tampering with him : (Runs off.
would you apply to Mr Dugard, or the lady herBis. Go thy ways, for a dear, mad, deceitful, self, something might be done, for it is in despite agreeable fellow. 'O’my conscience, I must ex to you, that the business is carried on so hastily. cuse Oriana.
Odso, sir, here he comes. I must be gone.
(Exit. That lover goon his angry fair disarms, Whose slighting pleases, and whose faults are Enter Old MIRABEL, dressed in a Spanish hubito charms.
leading Oriana. Inter Petit; runs about to every door, and
Ori. Good my lord, a nobler choice had bet
ter suited your lordship’s merit. My person, knocks.
rank, and circumstances, expose me as the pubPet. Mr Mirabel! Sir, where are you? No lic theme of raillery, and subject me so to injuwhere to be found?
rious usage, my lord, that I can lay no claim to Enter MIRABEL.
any part of your regard, except your pity.
Old Mir. Breathes he vital air, that dare preMir. What's the matter, Petit? Pet. Most critically met—Ah, sir, that one With rude behaviour to profane such excellence ? who has followed the game so long, and brought Shew me the manthe poor hare just under his paws, should let a And you shall see how sudden my revenge mongrel cur chop in, and run away with the Shall fall upon the head of such presumption. puss.
Is this thing one? (Strutting up to MIRABEL. Mir. If your worship can get out of your alle Mir. Sir! gories, be pleased to tell me, in three words, Ori. Good, my lord what you mean,
Old Mir. If he, or any hePet. Plain, plain, sir. Your mistress and Ori. Pray, my lord, the gentleman's a stranmine is going to be married.
ger. Mir. I believe you lie, sir.
Old Mir. O, your pardon, sirPet. Your humble servant, sir. (Going: had—remember, sir-ihe lady now is mine; her Mir. Come hither, Petii. Married, say you? | injuries are mine; therefore, sir,—you understand Pet. No, sir, 'tis no matter ; I only thought to
-Come, madam. do you a service; but I shall take care how I con (Leads ORIANA to the door; she goes off ; MIRAfor my favours for the future.
BEL runs to his father, and pulls him by the Mir. Sir, I beg ten thousand pardons.
-but if you