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Old Mir. Your business, sir ?
Pet. The contrivance was well enough, sir, for Mir. Boh!
they imposed upon us all. Old Mir. Boh! What language is that, sir? Mir. 'Well, my dear dulcinea, did your Don Hir. Spanish, my lord.
Quixote battle for you bravely? My father will Old Mir. What d’ye mean?
answer for the force of my love. Mir. This, sir.
(Trips up his heels. Ori. Pray, sir, don't insult the misfortunes of Old Vir. A very concise quarrel, truly your own creating; I'll bully him— Trinidade Signieur, give me Dug: My prudence will be counted cowarfair play
(Offering to rise. dice, if I stand tamely now.- (Comes up between Mir. By all means, sir. [Pukes uway his sword.) MIRABEL and his Sister.]-Well, sir ! Now, Signieur, where's thąt bombast look and Mir. Well, sir! Do you take me for one of fustian face your countship wore just now? your tenants, sir, that you put on your landlord's
(Strikes him. face at me ? Old Mir. The rogue quarrels well, very well : Dug. On what presumption, sir, dare you my own son, right ! But hold, sirrah; no
assume thus ?
[Druzs. more jesting: I'm your father, sir, your father! Old Mir. What's that to you, sir? Drares.
Mir. My father! Then, by this light, I could Pet. Help! help! the lady faints. find in my heart to pay thee. (Aside.) Is the fel
(ORIANA fulls into her maid's arms. low mad?-Why, sure, sir, I h’an't frightened you Mir. Vapours! vapours ! she'll come to herout of your senses?
self.- If it be an angry fit, a dram of assa-fætiold Mir. But you have, sir.
da— If jealousy, hartshorn in water-If the moMir. Then I'll beat them into you again, ther, burnt feathers- If grief, ratifia-If it be
[Offers to strike him. / strait stays, or corns, there's nothing like a dram Old Mir. Why, rogue-Bob, dear Bob, don't of plain brandy. you child?
Ori. Hold off, give me air-0, my brother, Mir. Ha, ha, ha! the fellow's downright dis- would you preserve my life, endanger not your tracted.- Thou miracle of impudence! wouldst own; would you defend my reputation, leave it thou make me believe that such a grave gentle to itself; 'tis a dear vindication that's purchas'd man as my father would go a masquerading thụs? by the sword; for though our champion proves that a person
of three-score and three would run victorious, yet our honour is wounded. about in a fool's coat, to disgrace himseit and Old Mlir. Ay, and your lover may be woundfamily? Why, you impudent villain, do you ed, that's another thing. But I think you are think I will suffer such an affront to pass upon pretty brisk again, my child. my honoured father, my worthy father, my dear
Ori. Ay, sir, my indisposition was only a prefather? 'Sdeath, sir, mention my father but once tence, to divert the quarrel: the capricious taste again, and I'll send your soul to thy grandfather of your sex excuses this artifice in ours. this minute!
[Offering to stab him. For often, when our chief perfections fail, Old Mir. Well, well, I am not your father. Our chief defects with foolish men prevail. Mlir. Why, then, sir, you are the saucy, hec
[Exit. toring Spaniard, and I'll use you accordingly.
Pet. Come, Mr Dugard, take courage; there Old Mir. The devil take the Spaniards, sir ; is a way still left to fetch him again. we have all got nothing but blows since we be Old Mir. Sir, I'll have no plot that has any regan to take their part.
lation to Spain.
Dug. I scorn all artifice whatsoever; my sword Enler DUGARD, ORIANA, Maid, and Petit. shall do her justice.
DUGARD runs to Young MIRABEL, the rest to Pet, Pretty justice, truly! Suppose you run Old MIRABEL.
him through the body; you run her through the Dug. Fie, fie, Mirabel, murder your father!
heart at the same time. Mir. My father! What, is the whole family
Old Mir. And methrough the head !-Rot your mad ?-Give me way, sir; I wont be held.
sword — Sir, we'll have plots. Come, Petit, Old Mir. No, nor I neither; let me be gone,
let's hear. pra".
[Offering to go.
Pet. What if she pretend to go into a nunMir. My father!
nery, and so bring him about to declare himOld Mir. Ay, you dog's face ! I am your fa, self? ther, for I have bore as much for thee as your Dug. That, I must confess, has a face. mother ever did.
Old Mir. A face! A face like an angel, sir. Mir. O ho! then this was a trick, it seems; a Ads my life, sir, 'tis the most beautiful plot in design, a contrivance, a stratagem-Oh! how Christendom. We'll about it immediately. my bones ache!
(Exeunt. Oid Mır. Your bones, sirrah! why yours? Mir. Why, sir, ba'n't I been beating my own
SCENE II.-The Street. flesh and blood all this while? 0, madam, (To
DURETETE and MIRABEL. ORIANA) I wish your ladyship joy of your new dignity: - Here was a contrivance indeed!
Dur. (Ina passion.) And though I cann't dance,
nor sing, por talk like you, yet I can fight, you Dur. Very pretty. (Draws.] She threatened know I can, sir.
to kick me. Ay, then, you dogs, I'll murder ye. Air, I know thou canst, man,
[Fights, and beats them oft ; MIRABEL runs Dur, 'Sdeath, sir, and I will : let me see the
oper to his side. proudest man alive make a jest of me!
Mir. Ha, ha, ha! bravely done, Duretete; Mit. But I'll engage to make you amends. there you had him, noble captain. Hey! they
Dur. Danced to death! Baited like a bear! run, they run ; victoria ! victoria ! -Ha, ha, ha! Ridiculed! Threatened to be kicked! Confu
--how happy am I in an excellent friend !- Tell şion!-Sir, you set me on, and I will have satis-me of your virtuosos and men of sense—a parcel faction :-all mankind will point at me.
of sour-faced, splenetic rogues ! - A man of my Mir. (Aside.) I must give this thunderbolt thin constitution should never want a fool in his some passage, or 'twill break upon my own company. I don't affect your fine things, that im, head -Look'e, Duretete, what do those gen- prove the understanding, but hearty laughing, to tlemen laugh at?
fatten my carcase; and, in my conscience, a man
of sense is as melancholy without a coxcomb, as Enter two Gentlemen.
a lion without a jackall; he hunts for our diverDur. At me, to be sure Sir, what made sion, starts game for our spleen, and perfectly Fou laugh at me?
feeds us with pleasure. 1st Gen. You're mistaken, sir ; if we were merTy, we had a private reason.
I hate the man who makes acquaintance nice, 2d Gen. Sir, we don't know you.
And still discreetly plagues me with advice; Dur. Sir, I'll make you know me; mark and Who moves by caution, and mature delays, observe me; I won't be named; it sha'n't be And must give reasons for whate'er he says : mentioned, nor even whispered in your prayers at
The man, indeed, whose converse is so füll, church.—'Sdeath, sir, d'ye smile?
Makes me attentive, but it makes me dull. 1st Gen. Not I, upon my word.
Give me the careless rogue, who never thinks ; Dur. Why, then, look grave as an owl in a
That plays the fool as freely as he drinks : barn, or a friar with his crown a-shaving.
Not a buffoon, who is buffoon by trade, Mir. (Aside to the Gent.] Don't be bullied out
But one that Nature, not his wants have made; of your humour, gentlemen; the fellow's mad; who still is merry, but does ne'er design it, laugh at him, and I'll stand by you.
And still is ridiculd, but ne'er can find it; 1st Gen. 'Egad, and so we will.
Who when he's most in earnest, is the best; Both. Ha, ha, ha!
And his most grave expression is a jest.
Dug. Mad, sir ! what d'ye mean? SCENE I.-Old MIRABEL's House.
Dur. What do you mean, sir, by shutting up
your sister yonder to talk like a parrot through a Enter Old MIRABEL and DUGARD.
cage; or a decoy duck, to draw others into the Dug. The lady abbess is my relation, and pri- snare?-Your son, sir, because she has deserted vy to the plot : your son has been there, but had him, he has forsaken the world; and, in three no admittance beyond the privilege of the grate, words, hasand there my sister refus'd to see him. He went Old Mir. Hạnged himself! off more nettled at his repulse than I thought Dur. The very same ;-turned friar. his gaiety could admit.
Old Mir. You lie, sir ; 'tis ten times worse. Old Mir. Ay, ay, this nunnery will bring him Bob turned friar !-Why should the fellow shave about, I warrant ye.
his foolish crown, when the same razor may cut
his throat ? Enter DURETETE.
Dur. If you have any command, or you any Dur. Here, where are ye all ?--0, Mr Mira interest over him, lose not a minute : he has bel! you have done fine things for your posteri- thrown himself into the next monastery, and has ty-And
you, Mr Dugard, may come to answer ordered me to pay off his servants, and discharge this-I come to demand my friend at your hands; his equipage. restore him, sir, or
(To Old MIRABEL. Old Mir. Let me alone to ferret him out: l’l! Old Mir. Restore him! what, d’ye think I sacrifice the abbot, if he receives him ; I'll try bave got him in my trunk, or my pocket? whether the spiritual or the natural father has
Dur. Sir, he's mad, and you're the cause on't. the most right to the child.-But, dear captain,
Old Mir. That inay be ; for I was as mad as what has he done with his estate ? he when I begot him.
Dur. Settled it upon the church, sir.
Old Mir. The church! Nay, then the devil siness. Mirabel loves you; 'tis now plain; and won't get him out of their clutches-Ten hold him to't: give fresh orders that he sha'n't thousand livres a-year upon the church! 'Tis see you: we get more by hiding our faces somedownright sacrilege.-Come, gentlemen, all hands times, than by exposing them; a very mask, you to work; for half that sum, one of these monas. see, whets desire; but a pair of keen eyes, through teries shall protect you a traitor from the law, a an iron grate, fire double upon theni, with view rebellious wife from her husband, and a disobe and disguise. But I must be gone upon my afdient son from his own father.
(Exit.fairs :- I have brought my captain about again. Dug. But will ye persuade me that he's gone Ori. But why will you trouble yourself with to a monastery?
that coxcomb? Dur. Is your sister gone to the filles repentis ? Bis. Because he is a coxcomb; Had I not bet. I tell you, sir, she's not fit for the society of re ter have a lover like him, that I can make an ass penting maids.
of, than a lover like yours, to make a fool of me? Dug. Why so, sir ?
[Knocking below.) A message from Mirabel, I'll Dur. Because she's neither one nor t'other; | lay my life. [She runs to the door.] Come hither, she's too old to be a maid, and too young to re run, thou charming nun, come hither. pent. (Exit; DUGARD after him.
Ori. What's the news? (Runs to her.
Bis. Don't you see who's below? SCENE II.-The Inside of a Monastery; ORI Ori. I see nobody but a friar. ANA in a Nun's habit : BISARRE.
Bis. Ah! thou poor blind Cupid ! O' my conOri. I hope, Bisarre, there is no harm in jest- science, these hearts of ours spoil our heads ining with this religious habit.
stantly! the fellows no sooner turn knaves, than
we turn fools.-A friar! Don't you see a vilBis. To me, the greatest jest in the habit is taking it in earnest : I don't understand this im- lainous, genteel mien under that cloak of hypoprisoning people with the keys of paradise, nor crisy; the loose, careless air of a tall rake-helly the merit of that virtue which comes by con
? straint.-Besides, we may own to one another,
Ori. As I live, Mirabel turned friar ! I hope, that we are in the worst company when among
in heaven, he's not in earnest.
Bis. In earnest! ha, ha, ha!-are you in ear. ourselves; for our private thoughts run us into those desires which our pride resists from the
nest ?—Now's your time : this disguise has he attack of the world; and, you may remember,
certainly taken for a passport, to get in and try the first woman met the devil when she retired your resolution : stick to your habit, to be sure: from her man.
treat him with disdain, rather than anger; for Ori. But I'm reconciled, methinks, to the mor
pride becomes us more than passion. Rememtification of a nunnery; because, I fancy, the ha
ber what I say, if you would yield to advantage, bit becomes me.
and hold out the attack: to draw him on, keep Bis. A well-contrived mortification, truly, that
him off, to be sure. makes a woman look ten times handsomer than
The cunning gamesters never gain too fast, she did before !-Ay, my dear, were there any
But lose at first, to win the more at last. (Erit. religion in becoming dress, our sex's devotion
Ori. His coming puts me into some ambiguity;
I don't know how; I don't fear him, but I miswere rightly placed; for our toilets would do the work of the altar,— we should all be canonized.
trust myself. Would he were not come; yet I Ori. But don't you think there is a great deal
would not have him gone neither : I'm afraid to of merit in dedicating a beautiful face and person
talk with him, but I love to see him though. to the service of religion?
What a strange power has this fantastic fire,
That makes us dread even what we most desire! Bis. Not half so much as devoting them to a pretty fellow. If your feminality had no business
Enter MIRABEL, in a Friar's habit. in this world, why was it sent hither? Let us dedicate our beautiful minds to the service of hea
Mir. Save you, sister-Your brother, young ven ; and for our handsome persons, they be- lady, having a regard for your soul's health, has come a box at the play as well as a pew in the
sent me to prepare you for the sacred habit by church.
confession. Ori. But the vicissitudes of fortune, the incon
Ori. That's false : the cloven foot already. stancy of man, with other disappointments of life,
[Aside.) My brother's care I own; and to you, require some place of religion, for a refuge from
sacred sir, I confess, that the great crying sin
which I have long indulged, and now prepare to their persecution. Bis
. Ha, ha, ha !—and do you think there is expiate, was love.--My morning thoughts, my any devotion in a fellow's going to church, when
evening prayers, my daily musings, nightly cares, he takes it only for a sanctuary? Don't you was love! My present peace, my future bliss, know that religion consists in charity with all
the joy of earth, and hopes of heaven—I all conmankind; and that you should never think of temned for love! being friends with Heaven till you have quarrelled
Mir. She's downright stark mad in earnest :with all the world. Come, come, mind your bu
death and confusion, I have lost her! (Aside.
You confess your fault, madam, in such moving for all my past disgrace now offers: thy life shall terms, that I could almost be in love with the sin. answer this, would I provoke the law :-urge me
Ori. Take care, sir; crimes, like virtues, are no farther, but be gone. their own rewards: my chief delight became my Mir. Inexorable woman ! let me kneel again. only grief: he in whose breast I thought my heart
(Kueels. secure, turned robber, and despoiled the treasure that he kept.
Enter Old MIRABEL. Mir. Perhaps that treasure he esteems so much, Old Mir. Where, where's this counterfeit nun? that, like the miser, though afraid to use it, he Ori. Madness! Confusion! I'm ruined ! reserves it safe.
Mir. What do I hear ? [Puts on his hood.] Ori. No, holy father: who can be miser in What did you say, sir ? another's wealth, that's prodigal of his own? His Old Alir. I say she's a counterfeit, and you heart was open, shar'd to all he knew; and what, may be another for aught I know, sir; I have lost alas! must then become of mine? But the same my child by these tricks, sir. eyes that drew this passion in, shall send it out Mir. What tricks, sir ? in tears; to which now hear my vow.
Old Mir. By a pretended trick, sir : a conMir. [Discovering himself.] No, my fair angel, trivance to bring my son to reason, and it has but let me repent; here on my knees behold the made him stark mad, I have lost hiin, and a thoucriminal that vows repentance his.-Ha! No sand pounds a-year. concern upon her!
Mir. (Discovering himself.] My dear father, Ori. This turn is odd, and the time has been, I'm your most humble servant. that such a sudden change would have surprised Old Mir. My dear boy! (Runs and kisses him.] me into some confusion.
Welcome, ex inferis, my dear boy: 'tis all a trick; Mir. Restore that happy time, for I am now she's no more a nun than I am. returned to myself; for I want but pardon to de Mir. No! serve your favour, and here I'll fix till you relent, Old Mir. The devil a bit. and give it.
Mir. Then kiss me again, my dear ad, for the Ori. Grovelling, sordid man! why would you most happy news—And now, most venerable, holy act a thing to make you kneel; monarch in your sister,
[Kneels. pleasures to be slave to your faults ? Are all the Your mercy and your pardon I implore, conquests of your wand'ring sway, your wit, your For the offence of asking it before. humour, fortune, all reduced to the base cringing Look'e, my dear counterfeiting nun, take my adof a bended knee? Servile and poor !—Pray hea- vice; be a nun in good carnest; women make ven this change be real.
Aside. the best nuns always when they cann't do otherMir. 'I come not here to justify my fault, but wise. Ah, my dear father! there is a merit in my submission; for though there be a meanness your son's beliaviour that you little think : the in this humble posture, 'tis nobler still to bend free deportment of such fellows as I, makes more when justice calls, than to resist conviction. ladies religious than all the pulpits in France.
Ori. No more thy oft-repeated, violated Ori. Oh, sir, how unhappily have you dewords reproach my weak belief:''tis the severest stroyed what was so near perfection !—He is the calumny to hear thee speak : that humble pos- counterfeit that has deceived you. ture, which once could raise, now mortifies iny Old Mir. Ha! Look'e sir, I recant; she is a pride. How canst thou hope for pardon, from one that you affront by asking it?
Mir. Sir, your humble servant; then I'm a Mlir. (Rises.] ľn my own cause I'll plead no friar this moment. more; but give me leave to intercede for you Old Mir. Was ever an old fool so bantered by against the hard injunctions of that habit, which a brace o' young ones ? Hang you both, you're for my fault you wear.
both counterfeits, and my plot's spoiled, that's Ori. Surprising insolence ! My greatest foe all. pretends to give me counsel ! - But I am too warm Ori. Shame and confusion, love, anger, and upon so cool a subject. My resolutions, sir, are disappointment, will work my brain to madness. fixed; but as our hearts were united with the
(Takes off her habit. Erit. ceremony of our eyes, so I shall spare some tears Mir. Ay, ay, throw by the rags; they have to the separation. (Weeps.] That's all; farewell. served a turn for us both, and they shall e'en go Mir. And must I lose her? No. [Runs and off together.
[Takes off his hubit. catches her.] Since all my prayers are vain, I'll use the nobler argument of man, and force you Thus the sick wretch, when tortur’u by his pain, to the justice you refuse: you're mine by pre And finding all essays for life are vain; contract; and where's the vow so sacred to dis When the physician can no more design, annul another? I'll urge my love, your oath, and
Then calls the other doctor—the divine. plead my cause against all monastic shifts upon What vows to Heaven, would Heaven restore the earth.
his health! Ori. Unhand me, ravisher ! Would you pro Vows all to Heaven,-his thoughts, his actions, phane these boly walls with violence ? Revenge
But if restor'd to vigour, as before,
Bis That you are, upon my word, my dear His health refuses what his sickness swore. captain; ha, ha, ha! The body is no sooner rais'd and well,
Dur. The Lord deliver me! But the weak soul relapses into ill ;
1st Lady. What! Is this the mighty man, with To all its former swing of life is led,
the bull-face, that comes to frighten ladies? I And leaves its vows and promises in bed. long to see bim angry :-come, begin. [Exit, throwing away the habit. Dur. Ah, madam, I am the best-natured fel
low in the world, SCENE II. Changes to Old MIRABEL's House. 2d Lady. A man! We're mistaken ; a man bas DURETETE, with a Letter.
manner : the aukward creature is some tinker's Dur. [Reads.] ‘My rudeness was only a proof
trull in a periwig: of your hunour, which I have found so agree
Bis. Come, ladies, let's examine him. able, that I own myself penitent, and willing to
(They lay hold on him. make any reparation, upon your first appearance
Dur. Examine ! the devil you will ! to-BISARRE'-Mirabel swears she loves me, Bis. I'll lay my life, some great dairy maid in and this confirms it; then farewell gallantry, and
man's clothes. tvelcome revenge: 'tis my turn now to be upon Dur. They will do't !-Look'e, dear Christian the sublime: I'll take her off, I warrant her. women, pray hear me.
. Will you ever attempt a lady's honour again? Enter BISARRE.
Dur. If you please to let me get away with my Well, mistress, do
honour, I'll do any thing in the world. love me?
you Bis. I hope, sir, you will pardon the modes
Bis. Will you persuade your friend to marry
mine? Dur. Of what? Of a dancing devil Do
Dur. Oh! yes, to be sure. you love me, I say?
Bis. And will you do the same by me? Bis. Perhaps I
Dur. Burn me if I do, if the coast be clear. Dur. What ?
(Runs out. Bis. Perhaps I do not.
Bis. Ha, ha, ha! the visit, ladies, was critical Dur. Ha! abused again! Death, woman, I'll for our diversion :-we'll go make an end of our
tea. Bis. Hold, hold, sir ; I do, I do!
(Exeunt. Dur. Confirm it then by your obedience; stand
Enter Young MIRABEL and Old MIRABEL. there, and ogle me now, as if your heart, blood, and soul were like to fly out at your eyes First,
Mir. Your patience, sir: I tell you I won't the direct surprise. (She lovks full upon him.) marry; and though you send all the bishops in Right; next the deux yeur par obligue. (She France to persuade me, I shall never believe their gives him the side glance.) Right; now depart,
doctrine against their practice. and languish. (She turns from him, and looks over
Old Mir. But will you disobey your father, sir ? her shoulder.] Very well; now sigh, (She sighs.) lie lazing here, bound to a wife, chained like a
Mir. Would my father have his youthful son Now drop your fan on purpose. (She drops her fan.) Now take it up again. Come now, con
monkey, to make sport to a woman, subject to fess your faults ; are not you a proud-say after her wbims, humours, longing, vapours, and ca
prices ; to have her one day pleased, to-morrow Bis. Proud.
peevish, the next day mad, the fourth rebellious; Dur. Impertinent.
and nothing but this succession of impertinence Bis. Impertinent.
for ages together?-Be merciful, sir, to your own Dur. Ridiculous,
flesh and blood. Bis. Ridiculous.
Old Mir. But, sir, did not I bear all this; why Dur. Flirt.
should not you? Bis. Puppy.
Alir. Then you think that marriage, like treaDur. Zoons ! Woman, don't provoke me; we
son, should attaint the whole body: pray consiare alone, and you don't know but the devil may
der, sir, is it reasonable, because you throw yourtempt me to do you a mischief: ask my pardon
self down from one storey, that I must cast myimmediately.
self headlong from the garret window? You Bis. I do, sir; I only mistook thc word. would compel me to that state which I have Dur. Cry then. Have you got e'er a hand
heard you curse yourself, when my mother and kerchief?
you have battled it for a whole week together. Bis. Yes, sir.
Old Mir. Never but once, you rogue, and that Dur. Cry then, handsomely; cry like a queen
was when she longed for six Flanders mares : ay, in a tragedy. (She pretending to cry, bursis out
sir, then she was breeding of you, which shewed a-laughing, and enter two ludies laughing.
what an expensive dog I should have of you.Bis. Ha, ha, ha!
Well, Petit, how does she now? furies Auttered about my cars ! Betrayed' again?
Pet. Mad, sir ; con pompos !Ay, Mr. Mira