ly. Mel. I'll go to him-My heart flutters strange- tle better than nothing. He's a man, and that's all-and, Heaven knows, mere man is but small consolation! [Erit. Kitty. Oh, woman, woman! foolish woman!she'll certainly have this Gayless; nay, where she as well convinced of his poverty as I am, she would have him. A strong dose of love is worse than one of ratafia; when it once gets into our heads, it trips up our heels, and then good night to discretion. Here is she going to throw away Afteen thousand pounds! upon what? Faith, lit SCENE I. Enter GAYLESS and SHARP. Be this advice pursued by each fond maid, Ne'er slight the substance for an empty shade: Rich weighty sparks alone should please and charm ye: For should spouse cool, his gold will always [Exita ACT II. Gay. Pr'ythee be serious, Sharp. Hast thou really succeeded? Sharp. To our wishes, sir. In short I have managed the business with such skill and dexterity, that neither your circumstances nor my veracity are suspected. Gay. But how hast thou excused me from the ball and entertainment. Sharp. Beyond expectation, sir-But in that particular, I was obliged to have recourse to truth, and declare the real situation of your affairs. I told her, we had so long disused ourselves to dressing either dinners or suppers, that I was afraid that we should be but aukward in our preparations. In short, sir,-as that instant, a cursed gnawing seized my stomach, that could not help telling her, that both you and myself seldom made a good meal, now-a-days, once in a quarter of a year. Gay. Hell and confusion! have you betrayed me, villain? Did you not tell me this moment, she did not in the least suspect my circumstances? Sharp. No more she did, sir, till I told her. Gay. Very well; and was this your skill and dexterity? Sharp. I was going to tell you; but you won't bear reason: my melancholy face and piteous narration, had such an effect upon her generous bowels, that she freely forgives all that's past.. Gay. Does she, Sharp? Sharp. Yes, and desires never to see your face again; and, as a farther consideration for so doing, she has sent you half-a-guinea. [Shows the money. Gay. What do you mean? Sharp. To spend it, spend it, aud regale. Gay. Villain! you have undone ine! Sharp. What! by bringing you money, when you are not worth a farthing in the whole world. Well, well, then, to make you happy again, I'll keep it myself; and wish somebody would take it into their head to load me with such misfortunes. [Puts up the money. Gay. Do you laugh at me, rascal? Sharp. Who deserves more to be laughed at? ba, ha, ha! Never for the future, sir, dispute the success of my negotiations; when even you, warm ye. who know me so well, can't help swallowing my hook. Why, sir, I could have played with you backwards and forwards at the end of my liue, till I had put your senses into such a fermentation, that you should not have known, in an hour's time, whether you was a fish or a man. Gay. Why, what is all this you have been telling me? Sharp. A downright lie from beginuing to end! Gay. And have you really excused me to her? Sharp. No, sir; but I have got this half-guinea to make her excuses to you! and instead of a confederacy between you and me to deceive her, she thinks she has brought me over to put the deceit upon you. Gay. Thou excellent fellow! Sharp. Don't lose time, but slip out of the house immediately; the back way, I believe, will be the safest for you, and to her as fast as you can; pretend vast surprise and concern, that her indisposition has debarred you the pleasure of her company here to-night. You need know no more; away. Gay. But what shall we do, Sharp? Here's her maid again. Sharp. The devil she is!——I wish I could poison her: for I'm sure, while she lives, I can never prosper. Enter KITTY. Kitty. Your door was open; so I did not stand upon ceremonies. Gay. I am sorry to hear your mistress is taken so suddenly. Kitty. Vapours, vapours only, sir; a few matrimonial omens, that's all; but I suppose Mr. Sharp has made her excuses. Gay. And tells me, I can't have the pleasure of her company to-night. I had made a small preparation; but 'tis no matter: Sharp shall go to the rest of the company, and let them know 'tis put off Kitty. Not for the world, sir! my mistress was sensible you must have provided for her and the rest of the company; so she is resolved, though she can't, the other ladies and gentlemen shall partake of your entertainment; she's very good-natured. 3 Sharp. I had better run, and let them know 'tis deferred, [Going. Kitty. [Stopping him.] I have been with them already, and told them my mistress insists upon their coming, and they have all promised to be here; so, pray, don't be under any apprehensions that your preparations will be thrown away. Gay. But as I can't have her company, Mrs. Kitty, 'twill be a greater pleasure to me, and a greater compliment to her, to defer our mirth; besides, I can't enjoy any thing at present, and she not partake of it. Kitty. Oh, no! to be sure; but what can I do? my mistress will have it so; and Mrs. Gadabout, and the rest of the company, will be here in a few minutes; there are two or three coachfuls of them. Sharp. Then my master must be ruined, in spite of my parts. [Aside. Gay. [Aside to SHARP.] Tis all over, Sharp! Sharp. I know it, sir. Gay. I shall go distracted! what shall I do? Sharp. Why, sir, as our rooms are a little out of furniture at present, take them into the сарtain's that lodges here, and set them down to cards: if he should come in the mean time, I'll excuse you to him. [Aside. Kitty. I have disconcerted their affairs, I find; I'll have some sport with them. [Aside.]-Pray, Mr. Gayless, don't order too many things: they only make you a friendly visit; the more ceremony, you know, the less welcome. Pray, sir, let me entreat you not to be profuse. If I can be of service, pray command ine; my mistress has sent me on purpose: while Mr. Sharp is doing the business without doors, I may be employed within. If you'll lend me the keys of your side-board [To SHARP], I'll dispose of your plate to the best advantage. Sharp. Thank you, Mrs. Kitty; but it is disposed of already. [Knocking at the door. Kitty. Bless me, the company's come! I'll go to the door, and conduct them into your pre[Exit KITTY. sence. Sharp. If you'd conduct them into a horsepound, and wait on them there yourself, we should be much obliged to you. Gay. I can never support this. Sharp Rouse your spirits, and put on an air of gaiety, and I don't despair of bringing you off yet. Gay. Your words have done it effectually. Enter MRS. GAD-ABOUT, MR. GUTTLE, MR. TRIPPET, and MRS. TRIPPET. Gad. Ah, my dear Mr. Gayless! [Kisses him. Gay. My dear widow ! Kisses her. Gad. We are come to give you joy, Mr. Gayless! Sharp. You never was more mistaken in your life. [Aside. Gad. I have brought some company here, I believe, is not well known to you; and I protest I have been all about the town to get the little I have Mr. Guttle, sir, Mr. Gayless;-Mr. Gayless, Justice Guttle. Sharp. Oh, destruction, one of the quorum. Gut. Hem! Though I had not the honour of any personal knowledge of you, yet, at the instigation of Mrs. Gad-about, I have,without any previous acquaintance with you, throwed aside all ceremony, to let you know, that I joy to hear the solemnization of your nuptials is so near at hand. Gay. Sir, though I cannot answer you with the same elocution, however, sir, I thank you with the same sincerity. Gad. Mr. and Mrs. Trippet, sir; the properest lady in the world for your purpose, for she'll dance for four and twenty hours together. Trip. My dear Charles, I am very angry with you, faith; so near marriage, and not let me know! 'twas barbarous; you thought, I suppose, I should rally you upon it; but dear Mrs. Trippet here has long ago eradicated all my antimatrimonial principles. Mrs. Trip. Ieradicate! fie, Mr. Trippet, don't be so obscene. Gad. One thing I had quite forgot, Mr. Gayless: my nephew, whom you never saw, will be in town from France presently; so I left word to send him here to make one. Gay. You do me honour, madam. Sharp. Do the ladies choose cards, or the supper first? Gay. Supper! what does the fellow mean? Gut. Oh! the supper by all means; for I have eaten nothing to signify since dinner. Sharp. Nor I, since last Monday was a fortnight. [Aside. Gay. Pray, ladies, walk into the next room: Sharp, get things ready for supper, and call the music. Sharp. Well said, master! [Exeunt Ladies. Kitty. I'll go to my mistress, and let her know every thing is ready for her appearance. [Exit KITTY. Enter GUTTLE and SHARP. Gut. Pray, Mr. What's-your-name, don't be long with supper: But hark'e, what can I do in the mean time? Suppose you get me a pipe and some good wine; I'll try to divert myself that way till supper's ready. Sharp. Or suppose, sir, you was to take a nap till then; there's a very easy couch in that closet. Gut. The best thing in the world; I'll take your advice; but be sure you wake me when supper is ready. [Exit GUTTLE. Sharp. Pray heaven, you may not wake till then-What a fine situation my master is in at present! I have promised him my assistance; but his affairs are in so desperate a way, that I am afraid 'tis out of my skill to recover him. Well, fools have fortune, says an old proverb, and a very true one it is; for my master and I are two of the most unfortunate mortals in the creation. Enter GAYLESS. Gay. Well, Sharp, I have set them down to cards; and now what have you to propose? Sharp. I have one scheme left, which, in all probability, may succeed. The good citizen, overloaded with his last meal, is taking a nap in that closet, in order to get him an appetite for yours. Suppose, sir, we should make him treat us. Gay. I don't understand you. Sharp. I'll pick his pocket, and provide us a supper with the booty. Gay. Monstrous ! for without considering the villainy of it, the danger of waking him makes it impracticable! Sharp. If he awakes, I'll sınother him, and lay his death to indigestion-a very common death among the justices. Gay. Pr'ythee be serious; we have no time to lose can you invent nothing to drive them out of the house? Sharp. I can fire it. Gay. Shame and confusion so perplex me, I cannot give myself a moment's thought. Sharp. I have it; did not Mrs. Gad-about say her nephew would be here? Gay. She did. Sharp. Say no more, but in to your company : if I don't send them out of the house for the night, I'll at least frighten their stomachs away; and if this stratagem fails, I'll relinquish politics, and think my understanding no better than my neighbour's. Gay. How shall I reward thee, Sharp? Sharp. By your silence and obedience: away to your company, sir. [Exit GAYLESS.]-Now, dear madam Fortune, for once open your eyes, and behold a poor unfortunate man of parts addressing you: now is your time to convince your foes you are not that blind, whimsical whore, they take you for; but let them see, by your assisting me, that men of sense, as well as fools, are sometimes intitled to your favour and protection.-So much for prayer; now for a great noise and a lie. [Goes aside, and cries out.] Help, help, master! help! gentlemen, ladies! Murder, fire, brimstone!Help, help, help! Enter MR. GAYLESS and the Ladies, with cards in their hands, and SHARP enters, running, and meets them. Gay. What's the matter? Sharp. Matter, sir! if you don't run this minute with that gentleman, this lady's nephew will be murdered! I am sure it was lie; he was set upon at the corner of the street by four; he has killed two; and if you don't make haste, he'll be either murdered, or took to prison. Gay. Draw, sir, and follow me. [Exeunt GAYLESS and GAD. Trip. Not I; I don't care to run myself into needless quarrels; I have suffered too much for merly by flying into passions: besides, I have pawned my honour to Mrs. Trippet, never to draw my sword again; and, in her present condition, to break my word might have fatal consequences. Sharp. Pray, sir, don't excuse yourself; the young gentleman may be murdered by this time. Trip. Then my assistance will be of no service to him; however-I'll go to oblige you, and look on at a distance. Mrs. Trip. I shall certainly faint, Mr. Trippet, if you draw. Enter GUTTLE, disordered, as from sleep. Gut. What noise and confusion is this? Sharp. Sir, there's a man murdered in the Enter GAYLESS and GAD-ABOUT, with MELISSA in boy's clothes, dressed in the French manner. Gad. Well, but my dear Jemmy, you are not hurt, sure. Mel. A little with riding post only. Gad. Mr. Sharp alarmed us all with an account of your being set upon by four men ; that you had killed two, and was attaking the other when he came away; and when we met you at the door, we were running to your rescue. Mel. I had a small rencounter with half a dozen villains; but, finding me resolute, they were wise enough to take to their heels: I believe I scratched some of them. [Laying her hand on her sword. Sharp. His vanity has saved my credit. I have a thought come into my head may prove to our advantage, provided Monsieur's ignorance bears any proportion to his impudence. [Aside. Gad. Now my fright's over, let me introduce you, my dear, to Mr. Gayless. Sir, this is my nephew. Gay. [Saluting her.] Sir, I shall be proud of your friendship. Mel. I don't doubt but we shall be better ac quianted in a little time. Gut. Prav, sir, what news in France? Mel. Faith, sir, very little that I know of in the political way: I had no time to spend among the politians. I was Gay. Among the ladies, I suppose? Mel. Too much, indeed. Faith, I have not philosophy enough to resist their solicitations; you take me? [To GAYLESS aside. Gay. Yes, to be a most incorrigible fop; Gad. For Heaven's sake, gentlemen, run to 'Sdeath, this puppy's impertinence is an addition, his assistance! How I tremble for Melissa!-to my misery. [Aside to SHARP. This frolic of her's may be fatal. [Aside. Mel. Poor Gayless! to what shifts is he reducG ed? I cannot bear to see him much longer in this condition; I shall discover myself. [Aside to GAD-ABOUT. Gad. Not before the end of the play: besides, the more his pain now, the greater his pleasure when relieved from it. Trip. Shall we return to our cards? I have a sans prendre here, and must insist you play it out. Ladies. With all my heart! Mel. Allons donc.-[4s the company goes out, SHARP pulls MELISSA by the sleeve.] Sharp. Sir, sir! Shall I beg leave to speak with you? Pray, did you find a bank-note in your way hither? Mel. What, between bere and Dover, do you mean? Sharp. No, sir, within twenty or thirty yards of this house. Mel. You are drunk, fellow! Sharp. Damnably, sir; but mum-You must know this entertainment was designed for madam to-night; but she got so very gay after dinner, that she could not walk out of her own house; so her maid, who was half gone too, came here with an excuse, that Mrs. Melissa had got the vapours: and so she had indeed violently, here, here, sir. [Pointing to his head. Mel. This is scarcely to be borne. [Aside.]— Melissa! I have heard of ber; they say she's very whimsical. Sharp. A very woman, an't please your honour; and, between you and me, none of the mildest and wisest of her sex-But to return, sir, to the twenty pounds. Mel. I am surprised, you, who have got so much money in his service, should be at a loss for twenty pound, to save your bones at this juncture. Sharp. I have put all my money out at in Sharp. I am undone, sir, but not drunk, I'll terest; I never keep above five pounds by me; Sharp. I'll tell you, sir: A little while ago, my master sent me out to change a note of twenty pounds; but I, unfortunately, hearing a noise in the street of, Damn-me, sir! and clashing of swords, and Rascal, and Murder! I runs up to the place, and saw four men upon one: and having heard you was a mettlesome young gentleman, I immediately concluded it must be you; so ran back to call my master; and when went to look for the note to change it, I found gone, either stole or lost; and if I don't get the money immediately, I shall certainly be turned out of my place, and lose my character it Mel. I shall laugh in his face. [Aside.]-Oh, I'll speak to your master about it, and he will forgive you, at my intercession. Sharp. Ah, sir, you don't know my master. Mel. I'm very little acquainted with him; but I have heard he's a very good-natured man. Sharp. I have heard so too; but I have felt it otherwise he has so much good-nature, that if I could compound for one broken-head a day, I should think myself very well off. Mel. Are you serious, friend? Sharp. Look'e, sir, I take you for a man of honour; there is something in your face that is generous, open, and masculine; you don't look like a foppish effeminate tell-tale; so I'll venture to trust youSee here, sir, [Shews his head.] these are the effects of my master's good-nature. Mel. Matchless impudence! [Aside.]-Why do you live with him, then, after such usage? Sharp. He's worth a great deal of money; and when he's drunk, which is commonly once a day, he's very free, and will give me any thing: but I design to leave him when he's married, for all that. Mel. Is he going to be married then? Sharp. To-morrow, sir; and between you and I, he'll meet with his match, both for humour and something else too. Mel. What! she drinks, too? and if your honour would lend me the other fifteen, and take my note for it [Knocking. Mel. Somebody's at the door. [Knocking. [Knocking. [Knocking. Mel. Don't let the people wait, Mr.- Sharp. Je ne puis pas !—I find we shan't understand one another; I do but lose time; and if I had any thought, I might have known these young fops return from their travels generally with as little money as improvement. [Exit SHARP. Mel. Ha, ha, ha! what lies does this fellow invent, and what rogueries does he commit, for his master's service! There never, sure, was a more faithful servant to his master, or a greater rogue to the rest of mankind. But here he comes again: the plot thickens; I'll in and observe Gayless. [Exit MELISSA. Enter SHARP, before several persons, with dishes in their hands, and a Cook, drunk. Sharp. Fortune, I thank thee! the most lucky accident! [Aside.]-This way, gentlemen; this way. Cook. I am afraid I have mistook the house Is this Mr. Treatwell's? Sharp. The same, the same: What, don't you know me? Cook. Know you!-Are you sure there was a supper bespoke here? Sharp. Yes, upon my honour, Mr. Cook; the company is in the next room, and must have gone without, had you not brought it. I'll draw a table. I see you have brought a cloth with you; but you need not have done that, for we have a very good stock of linen-at the pawnbroker's. [Aside. [Exit, and returns immediately, drawing in a table. Come, come, my boys, be quick; the company began to be very uneasy; but I knew my old friend Lick-spit here would not fail us. Cook. Lick-spit! I am no friend of your's; so I desire less familiarity: Lick-spit, too! Enter GAYLESS, and stares. Gay. What is all this? Sharp. Sir, if the sight of the supper is offensive, I can easily have it removed. [Aside to GAYLESS. Gay. Pr'ythee, explain thyself, Sharp. Sharp. Some of our neighbours, I suppose, have bespoke this supper; but the cook has drank away his memory, forgot the house, and brought it here: however, sir, if you dislike it, I'll tell him of his mistake, and send him about his business. Gay. Hold, hold! necesity obliges me, against my inclination, to favour the cheat, and feast at my neighbour's expense. Cook. I will have my Sharp. [Holding still.] Why, I tell you, fool, you mistake the gentleman; he's a friend of my master's, and has not said a word to you. Pray, good sir, go into the next room; the fellow's drunk, and takes you for another.-You'll repent this when you are sober, friend.-Pray, sir, don't stay to hear his impertinence. Guy. Pray, sir, walk in-He's below your anger. Mel. Damn the rascal! What does he mean by affronting me?Let the scoundrel go; I'll polish his brutality, I warrant you. Here's the best reformer of manners in the universe. [Draws his sword.] Let him go, I say! Cook. Hark you, friend, is that your master? Sharp. Ay; and the best master in the world. Cook. I'll speak to him then-sir, I have, ac- Sharp. So, so, you have done finely now-Get cording to your commands, dressed as genteel aaway as fast as you can; he's the most courasupper as my art and your price would admit of.geous, mettlesome man in all England-Why, Sharp. Good again, sir; 'tis paid for. if his passion was up, he could eat you-Make [Aside to GAYLESS. your escape, you fool. Gay. I don't in the least question your abilities, Mr. Cook; and I'm obliged to you for your Gay. Pr'ythee be advised: 'sdeath, I shall be discovered! [Takes the Cook aside. Mel. [To SHARP.] What's the matter? Sharp. The cook has not quite answered my master's expectations about the supper, sir, and he's a little angry at him; that's all. Mel. Come, come, Mr. Gayless, don't be uneasy; a bachelor cannot be supposed to have things in the utmost regularity; we don't expect it. Cook. But I do expect it, and will have it. Mel. What does that drunken fool say? Cook. That I will have my money, and I won't stay till to-morrow-and-and Cook. I won't-eat me! he'll find me damned hard of digestion, though Sharp. Pr'ythee, come here; let me speak with [They walk aside. you. Enter KITTY. Kitty. Gad's me! is supper on the table already? Sir, pray defer it for a few moments; my mistress is much better, and will be here immediately. Gay. Will she, indeed? Bless me!-I did not expect-but however-Sharp! Kitty. What success, madam? [Aside to MELISSA. Mel. As we could wish, girl, but he is in such pain and perplexity, I can't hold it out much longer. Kitty. Ay; that holding out is the ruin of half our sex. Sharp. I have pacified the cook; and if you can but borrow twenty pieces of that young prig, all may go well yet: you may succeed, though I could not. Remember what I told you-about it straight, sir Gay. Sir, sir-[TO MELISSA.]-I beg to speak a word with you: my servant, sir, tells me he has had the misfortune, sir, to lose a note of mine of twenty pounds, which I sent him to receiveand the bankers' shops being shut up, and having very little cash by me, I should be much obliged to you if you would favour me with twenty pieces till to-morrow. Mel. Oh, sir, with all my heart-[Taking out her purse.]-and as I have a small favour to beg of you, sir, the obligation will be mutual. Gay. How may I oblige you, sir. Mel. You are to be married, I hear, to Melissa? |