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Gay. You cannot mean it, sure? I am lost in

Gay. to-morrow, sir. Mel. Then you'll oblige me, sir, by never see- wonder! ing her again.

Gay. Do you call this a small favour. Mel. A mere trifle, sir; breaking of contracts, suing for divorces, committing adultery, and such like, are all reckoned trifles now-a-days: and smart young fellows, like you and myself, Gayless, should be never out of fashion.

Gay. But, pray, sir, how are you concerned

in this affair?

Mel. Oh, sir, you must know I have a very great regard for Melissa, and indeed she for me: and, by the by, I have a most despicable opinion of you; for, entre nous, I take you, Charles, to be a very great scoundrel.

Gay. Sir!

Mel. Nay, don't look fierce, sir, and give yourself airs-Damme, sir, I shall be through your body, else, in the snapping of a finger! Gay. I'll be as quick as you, villain!

[Draws, and makes at MELISSA. Kitty. Hold, hold! murder! You'll kill my mistress-the young gentleman, I mean. Gay. Ah, her mistress! [Drops his sword. Sharp. How! Melissa! Nay, then, drive away

cart-all's over now.

Enter all the Company, laughing.

Gad. What, Mr. Gayless, engaging with Melissa before your time? Ha, ha, ha!

Kitty. Your humble servant, good Mr. Politician-To SHARP.]-This is, gentlemen and ladies, the most celebrated and ingenious Timothy Sharp, schemer-general, and redoubted squire to the most renowned and fortunate adventurer Charles Gayless, knight of the woeful countenance: ha, ha, ha! Oh, that dismal face, and more dismal head of yours!

[Strikes SHARP upon the head. Sharp. 'Tis cruel in you to disturb a man in his last agonies.

Mel. Now, Mr. Gayless! What, not a word? You are sensible I can be no stranger to your misfortunes; and I might reasonably expect an excuse for your ill treatment of me.

Gay. No, madam, silence is my only refuge; for to endeavour to vindicate my crimes, would show a greater want of virtue, than even the

commission of them.

Mel. Oh, Gayless? 'twas poor to impose upon a woman, and one that loved you, too! Gay. Oh, most unpardonable! but my necessitics

Mel. Prepare yourself for more wonder-You have another friend in masquerade here. Mr. Cook, pray throw aside your drunkenness, and make your sober appearance. Don't you know that face, sir?

Cook. Ay, master! what, have you forgot your friend Dick, as you used to call me?

Gay. More wonder indeed! Don't you live with my father?

Mel. Just after your hopeful servant, there, had left me, comes this man from Sir William with a letter to me; upon which (being by that wholly convinced of your necessitous condition) I invented, by the help of Kitty and Mrs. Gadabout, this little plot, in which your friend Dick, there, has acted miracles, resolving to teaze you a little, that you might have a greater relish for a happy turn in your affairs. Now, sir, read that letter, and complete your joy.

unfortunate young man, who, I hear, by a friend
Gay. [Reads.] Madam, I am father to the
of mine (that by my desire has been a continual
spy upon him), is making his addresses to you:
if he is so happy as to make himself agreeable to
you (whose character I am charmed with), I
shall own him with joy for my son, and forget
his former follies.
'I am, madam,

'Your most humble servant, WILLIAM GAYLESS.' 'P. S. I will be soon in town myself, to congratulate his late reformation and marriage?

Oh, Melissa, this is too much,! Thus let me show my thanks and gratitude-[Kneeling, she raises him.]-for here 'tis only due.

Sharp. A reprieve! A reprieve! A reprieve! Kitty. I have been, sir, a most bitter enemy to you; but since you are likely to be a little more conversant with cash than you have been, I am now, with the greatest sincerity, your most obedient friend, and humble servant. And I hope, sir, all former enmity will be forgotten.

Gay. Oh, Mrs. Pry, I have been too much indulged with forgiveness myself, not to forgive less offences in other people.

Sharp. Well, then, madam, since my master has vouchsafed pardon to your handmaid Kitty, I hope you'll not deny it to his footman Timothy?

Mel. Pardon ! for what!

Sharp. Only for telling you about ten thousand lies, madam; and, among the rest, insinu

Sharp. And mine, madam, were not to beating that your ladyship wouldmatched, I'm sure, o'this side starving.

Mel. His tears have softened me at once-Your necessities, Mr. Gayless,with such real contrition, are too powerful motives not to affect the breast already prejudiced in your favour. You have suffered too much already for your extravagance; and as I take part in your sufferings,'tis easing myself to relieve you: Know, therefore, all that's past I freely forgive.

Mel. I understand you; and can forgive any thing, Sharp, that was designed for the service of your master; and if Pry and you will follow our example, I'll give her a small fortune as reward for both your fidelities.

Sharp. I fancy, madam, 'twould be better to halve the small fortune between us, and keep us both single; for as we shall live in the same house, in all probability we may taste the com

forts of matrimony, and not be troubled with its inconveniences-What say you, Kitty?

Kitty. Do you hear, Sharp? before you talk of the comforts of matrimony, taste the comforts of a good dinner, and recover your flesh a little; do, puppy.

Sharp. The devil backs her, that's certain! and I am no match for her at any weapon.

Mel. And now, Mr. Gayless, to show I have not provided for you by halves, let the music prepare themselves, and, with the approbation of the company, we'll have a dance.

All. By all means a dance!

Gut. By all means a dance--after supper, though.

Sharp. Oh, pray, sir, have supper first; or I'm sure I shan't live till the dance is finished.

Gay. Behold, Melissa, as sincere a convert as ever truth and beauty made. The wild impetuous sallies of my youth are now blown o.er, and a most pleasing calm of perfect happiness succeeds.

Thus Etna's flames the verdant earth con

sume,

But milder heat makes drooping nature bloom;
So virtuous love affords us springing joy,
Whilst vicious passions, as they burn, destroy.
[Exeunt omnes.

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SCENE L-A street.

Enter CAPTAIN LOVEIT and Purr,

ACT I.

Capt. THIS is the place we were directed to; and now, Puff, if I can get no intelligence of her, what will become of me?

Puff. And me too, sir?-You must consider I am a married man, and can't bear fatigue as I have done. But, pray, sir, why did you leave the army so abruptly, and not give me time to fill my knapsack with common necessaries ? Half a dozen shirts, and your regimentals, are my whole cargo.

Capt. I was wild to get away; and as soon as I obtained my leave of absence, I thought every moment an age till I returned to the place where I first saw this young, charming, innocent, bewitching creature. I did so; but we found the house was shut up; and all the information, you know, that we could get from the neighbouring cottage was, that miss and

her aunt were removed to town, and lived somewhere near this part of it.

Puff. And now we are got to the place of action, propose your plan of operation.

Capt. My father lives in the next street, so I must decamp immediately, for fear of discoveries you are not known to be my servant; go, make what inquiries you can in the neighbourhood, and I shall wait at the inn for your intelligence.

Puff. I'll patrol hereabouts, and examine all that pass; but I have forgot the word, sir— Miss Biddy

Capt. Bellair

Puff. A young lady of wit, beauty, and fifteen thousand pounds fortune-But, sirCapt. What do you say, Puff?

Puff. If your honour pleases to consider, that I had a wife in town whom I left somewhat abruptly half-a-year ago, you'll think it, I believe, but decent to make some inquiry after her first: to be sure it would be some

small consolation to me to know whether the poor woman is living, or has made away with herself, or

Capt. Pr'ythee don't distract me; a moment's delay is of the utmost consequence; I must insist upon an immediate compliance with my commands, [Exit CAPTAIN.

Puff. The devil's in these fiery young fellows they think of nobody's wants but their own. He does not consider that I am flesh and blood as well as himself. However, I may kill two birds at once: for I shan't be surprised if I meet my lady walking the streets-But, who have we here? Sure I should know that face.

Enter JASPER from a house.

Who's that? my old acquaintance Jasper!
Jas. What, Puff! are you here?

Puff. My dear friend! Well, and now, Jasper, still easy and happy? Toujours le même ! What intrigues now? What girls have you ruined, and what cuckolds made, since you and I used to beat up together, eh?

Jas. Faith, business has been very brisk during the war; men are scarce, you know: not that I can say I ever wanted amusement in the worst of times-But hark ye, Puff

Puff. Not a word aloud; I am incognito. Jus. Why, faith, I should not have known you, if you had not spoke first; you seem to be a little dishabille too, as well as incognito. Whom do you honour with your service now? Are you from the wars?

Jas. Not absolutely; the girl, I believe, detests him; but her aunt, a very good, prudent old lady, has given her consent, if he can get her niece's: how it will end, I can't tell-but I'm hot upon't myself.

Puff. The devil! not marriage, I hope?
Jas. That is not yet determined.
Puff. Who is the lady, pray?

Jas. A maid in the same family; a woman of honour, I assure you. She has one husband already, a scoundrel sort of a fellow, that has run away from her, and listed for a soldier; so, towards the end of the campaign, she hopes to have a certificate he's knocked o' the head: if not, I suppose, we shall settle matters another way.

Puff. Well, speed the plough!-But hark ye? consummate without the certificate if you can— keep your neck out of the collar-do-I have wore it these two years, and damnably galled I am.

Jas. I'll take your advice; but I must run away to my master, who will be impatient for an answer to his message, which I have just delivered to the young lady: so, dear Mr. Puff, I am your most obedient humble servant.

Puff. And I must to our agents for my arrears: if you have an hour to spare, you'll hear of me at George's, or the Tilt-yard-Au revoir, as we say abroad. [Erit JASPER.] Thus, we are as civil and as false as our betters: Jasper and I were always the beau monde exactly; we ever hated one another heartily, yet always kiss and shake hands-But now to my master, with a head full of news, and a heart full of joy! [Going, starts.

6

Puff. Piping hot, I assure you; fire and smoke will tarnish: a man that will go into such service as I have been in, will find his clothes the Angels and ministers of grace defend me!' worse for the wear, take my word for it. But It can't be! By Heavens, it is, that fretful porhow is it with you, friend Jasper! What, you cupine, my wife! I can't stand it? what shall still serve, I see? you live at that house, II do?—I'll try to avoid her. suppose?

Jas. I don't absolutely live, but I am most of my time there. I have, within these two months, entered into the service of an old genman, who hired a reputable servant, and dressed him as you see, because he has taken it into his head to fall in love.

Puff. False appetite, and second childhood! But, pr'ythee, what's the object of his passion? Jas. No less than a virgin of sixteen I can

assure you.

Puff. Oh, the toothless old dotard!

Jas. And he mumbles and plays with her till his mouth waters; then he chuckles till he cries, and calls her his Bid and his Bidsy; and is so foolishly fond

Puff. Bidsy! what's that?—

Jas. Her name is Biddy.

Puff Biddy! What, Miss Biddy Bellair?

Jas. The same

Puff. I have no luck, to be sure. [Aside.]— Oh, I have heard of her; she's of a pretty good family, and has some fortune, I know. But are things settled? Is the marriage fixed?

Enter TAG.

Tag. It must be he! I'll swear to the rogue at a mile's distance: he either has not seen me, or won't know me. If I can keep my temper, I'll try him farther.

Puff. I sweat!-I tremble!-She comes upon me!

Tag. Pray, good sir, if I may be so boldPuff. I have nothing for you, good woman; don't trouble me.

Tag. If your honour pleases to look this way

I

Puff. The kingdom is overrun with beggars. suppose the last I gave to has sent this: but I have no more loose silver about me: so, pr'ythee, woman, don't disturb me.

Tag. I can hold no longer. you? where have you been, you know me now, varlet?

Oh, you villain, scoundrel? Do [Seizes him. Puff. Here, watch, watch! Zounds, I shall have my pockets picked!

Tag. Own me this minute hang-dog, and confess every thing, or, by the rage of an injured

woman, I'll raise the neighbourhood, throttle you, and send you to Newgate!

Puff. Amazement! what, my own dear Tag! Come to my arms, and let me press you to my heart, that pants for thee, and only thee, my true and lawful wife!-Now my stars have overpaid me for the fatigue and dangers of the field. I wandered about, like Achilles, in search of faithful Penelope: and the gods have brought me to this happy spot.

[Embraces her. Tag. The fellow's crackt for certain: Leave your bombastic stuff, and tell me, rascal, why you left me, and where you have been these six months, heh?

Puff. We'll reserve my adventures for our happy winter evenings-I shall only tell you now, that my heart beat so strong in my country's cause, and being instigated either by honour or the devil (I can't tell which) I set out for Flanders to gather laurels, and lay them at thy feet.

Tag. You left me to starve, villain, and beg my bread, you did so.

lady, and the old gentleman may go to the devil.

Tag. Heyday! what's all this?

Puff. Say no more; the dice are thrown doublets for us: away to your young mistress, while I run to my master. Tell her Rhodophil, Rhodophil will be with her immediately; then, if her blood does not mount to her face, like quicksilver, in a weather-glass, and point to extreme hot, believe the whole a lie, and your husband no politician.

Tag. This is news indeed! I have had the place but a little while, and have not quite got into the secrets of the family: but part of your story is true; and if you bring your master, and miss is willing, I warrant we'll be too hard for the old folks.

Puff. I'll about it straight-But, hold, Tag; I had forgot-Pray how does Mr. Jasper do? Tag. Mr. Jasper?-What do you mean? I— I—I—

Puff. What! out of countenance, child?— O fie! speak plain, my dear—And the certificate; when comes that, eh, love? Puff. I left you too hastily, I must confess; Tag. He has sold himself, and turned conand often has my conscience stung me for it-jurer, or he could never have known it. I am got into an officer's service, have been in several actions, gained some credit by my behaviour, and am now returned with my master to indulge the gentler passions.

Tag. Don't think to fob me off with this nonsensical talk. What have you brought me home besides?

Puff. Honour, and immoderate love.
Tag. I could tear your eyes out!
Puff. Temperance, or I walk off.

Tag. Temperance, traitor! temperance! What can you say for yourself? Leave me to the wide world!

Puff. Well, I have been in the world too, han't I? What would the woman have? Tag. Reduce me to the necessity of going to service! [Cries.

Puff. Why, I'm in service too, your lord and master, an't I, you saucy jade, you?Come, where dost live? here about? Hast got good vails? Dost go to market? Come, give me a kiss, darling, and tell me where I shall pay my duty to thee.

Tag. Why, there I live, at that house. [Pointing to the house JASPER came out of. Puff. What! there! that house? Tag. Yes, there; that house. Puff. Huzza! we're made for ever, you slut you; huzza! every thing conspires this day to make me happy! Prepare for an inundation of joy? My master is in love with your Miss Biddy over head and ears, and she with him. I know she is courted by some old fumbler, and her aunt is not against the match; but now we are come, the town will be relieved, and the governor brought over: in plain English, our fortune is made; iny master must marry the

[Aside. Puff. Are you not a jade?—are yoù not a Jezebel ?—arn't you a

Tag. O ho! temperance, or I walk off. Puff. I know I am not finished yet, and so I am easy; but more thanks to my fortune than your virtue, madam.

Bid. [Within] Tag, Tag! Tag?

where are you,

Tag. Coming, madam !— -My lady, callsaway to your master, and I'll prepare his reception within.

Puff. Shall I bring the certificate with me? [Exit PUFF. Tag. Go, you graceless rogue you richly deserve it. [Erit.

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