Thrifty. You're mistaken, sir; you're mis-gilant duns, that torment him more than taken! Pish! why do I spend my time in tittle- an old mother does a poor gallant, when she tattle with this idle fellow?-Hang-dog! go solicits a maintenance for her discarded daughfind out my rake-hell [To SHIFT.], whilst I go to my brother Gripe, and inform him of my mis fortune. Sca. In the mean time, if I can do you any service Thrifty. O! I thank you, sir, I thank you. [Exit THRIFTY. Shift. I must confess thou art a brave fellow, and our affairs begin to be in a better posturebut the money, the money- -we are abominably poor, and my master has the lean vi ter. Sca. Your money shall be my next careLet me see, I want a fellow to- -Canst thou not counterfeit a roaring bully of Alsatia?Stalk-look big-Very well. Follow me; I have ways to disguise thy voice and countenance. Shift. Pray, take a little care, and lay your plot so that I may not act the bully always: I would not be beaten like a bully. Sca. We'll share the danger, we'll share the danger. [Exeunt. SCENE I. Enter THRIFTY and GRIPE. ACT II. Gripe. Sir, what you tell me concerning your son, hath strangely frustrated our designs. Thrifty. Sir, trouble not yourself about my son; I have undertaken to remove all obstacles, which is the business I am so vigorously in pursuit of. Gripe. In troth, sir, I'll tell you what I say to you: The education of children, after the getting of them, ought to be the nearest concern of a father. And had you tutored your son with that care and duty incumbent on you, he never could so slightly have forfeited his. Thrifty. Sir, to return you a sentence for your sentence: Those that are so quick to censure and condemn the conduct of others, ought first to take care that all be well at home. Gripe. Why, Mr. Thrifty, have you heard any thing concerning my son? Thrifty. It may be I have; and it may be worse than my own. Gripe. What is't I pray? my son? Thrifty. Even your own Scapin told it me; and you may hear it from him, or some body else: for my part, I am your friend, and would not willingly be the messenger of ill news to one that I think so to me. Your servant-I must hasten to my counsel, and advise what's to be done in this case. Good bye till I see you again. [Exit THRIFTY. Gripe. Worse than his son! For my part, I cannot imagine how; for a son to marry impudently without the consent of his father, is as great an offence as can be imagined, I take itBut yonder he comes. Enter LEANDER. Lean. Oh, my dear father, how joyful am I to see you safely returned! Welcome, as the blessing, which I am now craving, will be. Gripe. Not so fast, friend o'mine! soft and fair goes far, sir. You are my son, as I take it. Lean. What d'ye mean, sir? Gripe. Stand still, and let me look ye in the face. Lean. How must I stand, sir? Gripe. Look upon me with both eyes. Gripe. What's the meaning of this report? Gripe. Yes, report, sir; I speak English, as I take it: What is't that you have done in my absence? Lean. What is't, sir, which you would have had me done? Gripe. I do not ask you, what I would have had you done; but, what have you done? Lean. Who? I, sir? Why, I have done nothing at all, not I sir. Gripe. Nothing at all? Lean. No, sir. Gripe. You have no impudence to speak on. Lean. Sir, I have the confidence that becomes a man, and my innocence. Gripe. Very well: but Scapin, d'ye mark me, young man, Scapin has told me some tales of your behaviour. Lean. Scapin! Gripe. Oh, have I caught you? That name makes ye blush, does it? 'Tis well you have some grace left. Lean. Has he said any thing concerning me? Gripe. That shall be examined anon: In the mean while, get you home, d'ye hear, and stay till my return; but look to't, if thou hast done any thing to dishonour me, never think to come within my doors, or see my face more: but expect to be miserable as thy folly and poverty can make thee. [Exit GRIPE. Lean. Very fine; I am in a hopeful condition. This rascal has betrayed my marriage, and undone me! Now, there is no way left but to turn outlaw, and live by rapine: and, to set my hand in, the first thing shall be, to cut the throat of that perfidious pick-thank dog, who has ruined me. Lean. Yes, rascal! that you have, and I'll make you own it, too, or I'll swinge it out of your already tanned thick hide. [Beats him. Sca. The devil's in't! Lord, sir!" "what d'ye mean? Nay, good Mr. Leander, pray, Mr. Leander; 'squire Leander-As I hope to be savedOct. Prithee be quiet: for shame! enough. [Interposes. Sca. Well, sir, I confess, indeed, thatLean. What! speak, rogue? Sca. About two months ago, you may remember, a maid servant died in the house- Lean. What of all that? Sca. Nay, sir, if I confess you must not be angry. Lean. Well, go on. Lean. What's the matter? Sly. Your mistress, sir, is yonder arrested in an action of 2001. They say 'tis a debt she left hither to Dover; and, if you don't raise money unpaid at London, in the haste of her escape within these two hours to discharge her, she'll be hurried to prison. Lean. Within these two hours? Sly. Yes, sir, within these two hours. Lean. Ah, my poor Scapin! I want thy assistance. [SCAPIN walks about surlily. Sca. Ah, my poor Scapin! Now I'm your poor Scapin; now you've need of me. Lean. No more! I pardon thee all that thou hast done, and worse, if thou art guilty of it. Sca. No, no; never pardon me: run your sword in my guts; you'll do better to murder Lean. I wronged thee, I confess. Sca. To use me like a scoundrel, a villain, a rascal; to threaten to run your sword in my guts! Lean. I cry thy mercy with all my heart; and if thou wilt have me throw myself at thy feet, I'll do it. Oct. Faith, Scapin, you must, you cannot but yield. Sca. Well, then: But do you mark me, sir? Sca. 'Twas said, she died for love of me, sir: another time, better words and gentler blows. But let that pass. Lean. Death! you trifling buffoon. Sca. About a week after her death, I drest up myself like her ghost, and went into Madam Lucia, your mistress's chamber, where she lay half in, half out of bed, with her woman by her, reading an ungodly play-book. Lean. And was it your impudence did that? Sca. They both believed it was a ghost to this hour. But it was myself played the goblin, to frighten her from the scurvy custom of lying awake at those unseasonable hours, hearing filthy plays, when she had never said her prayers. Lean. I shall remember you for all in time and place: But come to the point, and tell me what thou hast said to my father. Sca. To your father? I have not so much as seen him since his return, and if you would ask him, he'll tell you so himself. Lean. Yes, he told me himself, and told me all that thou hast said to him. Sca. With your good leave, sir, then, he lied; I beg your pardon, I mean he was mistaken. Enter SLY. Lean. Will you promise to mind my busi ness ? Sca. As I see convenient, care shall be taken. Lean. Two hundred pounds. Oct. As much. Sca. [To LEANDER.] No more to be said; it shall be done: For you the contrivance is laid already; and for your father, though he be covetous to the last degree, yet, thanks be to Heaven, he's but a shallow person; his parts are not extraordinary: Do not take it ill, sir; for you have no resemblance of him, but that you are very like him. Begone! I see Octavian's father coming; I'll begin with him. [Exeunt OCTAVIAN and LEANDER. Enter THRIFTY. Here he comes, mumbling and chewing the cud, to prove himself a clean beast. Thrifty. Oh, audacious boy, to commit so insolent a crime, and plunge himself in such a Sly. Oh, sir, I bring you the most unhappy mischief! news! Sca. Sir, your humble servant. Thrifty. How do you, Scapin? Sea. What, you are ruminating on your son's rash actions? Thrifty. Have I not reason to be troubled? Sca. The life of man is full of troubles, that's the truth on't: But your philosopher is always prepared. I remember an excellent proverb of the ancients, very fit for your case. Thrifty. What's that? Sca. Pray, mind it; 'twill do ye a world of good. Thrifty. What is't, I ask you? Sca. Why, when the master of a family shall be absent any considerable time from his home or mansion, he ought, rationally, gravely, wisely, and philosophically, to revolve within bis mind all the concurrent circumstances, that may, during the interval, conspire to the conjunction of those misfortunes, and troublesome accidents, that may intervene upon the said absence, and the interruption of his economical inspection into the remissness, negligences, frailties, and huge and perilous errors, which his substitutes, servants, or trustees, may be capable of, or liable or obnoxious unto; which may arise from the imperfection and corruptness of ingenerated natures, or the taint and contagion of corrupted education, whereby the fountainhead of man's disposition becomes muddy, and all the streams of his manners and conversation run consequently defiled and impure: These things premised, and fore-considered, arm the said prudent philosophical Pater-Familias, to find his house laid waste, his wife murdered, his daughters deflowered, his sons hanged: 'Cum multis aliis, quæ nunc prescribere lon gum est.' And to thank Heaven 'tis no worse, too. D'ye mark, sir? Thrifty. 'Sdeath! Is all this a proverb? Sca. Ay, and the best proverb, and the wisest, in the world. Good sir, get it by heart:Twill do you the greatest good imaginable; and don't trouble yourself: I'll repeat it to you till you have gotten it by heart. Thrifty. No, I thank you, sir; I'll have none on't. their sons' miscarriages, but have bowels for them; I have much ado to refrain weeping for you. Thrifty. Truly, my case is sad, very sad. Sca. So it is. Tears will burst out; I have a great respect for your person. [Counterfeits weeping. Thrifty. Thank you, with all my heart; in troth we should have a fellow-feeling. Sca. Ay, so we should; I assure you there is not a person in the world whom I respect more than the noble Mr. Thrifty. Thrifty. Thou art honest, Scapin. Ha'done ha' done. Sca. Sir, your most humble servant. Sca. Why, in brief, I have been with the brother of her, whom your wicked son has mar ried. Thrifty. What is he? Sca. A most outrageous, roaring fellow, with a down hanging look, contracted brow, with a swelled red face, enflamed with brandy; one that frowns, puffs, and looks big at all mankind; roars out oaths, and bellows out curses enough in a day to serve a garrison a week; bred up in blood and rapine; used to slaughter from his youth upwards; one that makes no more conscience of killing a man, than cracking of a louse; he has killed sixteen; four for taking the wall of him; five for looking too big upon him. In short, he is the most dreadful of all the race of bullies. Thrifty. Heaven! How do I tremble at the description? But what's this to my business? Sca. Why, be (as most bullies are) is in want, and I have brought him, by threatening him with all the courses of law, all the assistance of your friends, and your great purse, (in which I ventured my life ten times, for so often he drew and run at me) yet, I say, at last I have made him hearken to a composition, and to null the marriage for a sum of money. Thrifty. Thanks, dear Scapin, but what sum? Sca. Faith, he was damnably unreasonable at first; and gad, I told him so very roundly. Thrifty. A pox on him! what did be ask? Sca. Ask! hang him! why he asked five hun Sca. Pray do, you'll like it better next time; hear it once more, I sayWhen the mas-dred pounds. ter of a Thrifty. Hold, hold; I have better thoughts of my own; I am going to my lawyer; I'll null the marriage. Sca. Going to law! Are you mad, to venture yourself among lawyers? Do you not see every day how the spunges suck poor clients, and, with a company of foolish nonsensical terms, and knavish tricks, undo the nation? No, you shall take another way. Thrifty. You have reason, if there were any other way. Sca. Come, I have found onc. The truth is, I have a great compassion for your grief. I cannot, when I see tender fathers afflicted for Thrifty. Ouns and heart, five hundred pounds! five hundred devils take him--and fry and frickasee the dog! does he take me for a mad man? Sca. Why, so I said ; and after much argument, I brought him to this: Damme,' says he, I am going to the army, and I must have two good horses for myself, for fear one should die; and those will cost at least threescore guineas.' Thrifty. Hang him rogue! why should he have two horses? But I care not if I give three score guineas to be rid of this affair. Sca. Then, says he, my pistols, saddle, horse cloth, and all, will cost twenty more.' Thrifty. Why, that's four score. Sca. Well reckoned: 'Faith, this arithmetic is | pleadings of doctors, for the register, substitute, a fine art. Then, I must have one for my boy,judgments, signings-Expedition fees, besides will cost twenty more. the vast presents to them and their wives. Hang it the fellow is out of employment; give him the money, give him it, I say. Thrifty. Oh, the devil! confounded dog! let him go and be damned! I'll give him nothing. Sca, Sir. Thrifty. Not a sous, damned rascal! let him turn foot soldier, and be hanged! Sca. He has a man besides; would you have him go a-foot? Thrifty. Ay, and his master too; I'll have nothing to do with him. Sca. Well, you are resolved to spend twice as much at Doctors' Commons, you are; you will stand out for such a sum as this, do. Thrifty. O, damned, unconscious rascal, well! if it must be so, let him have the other twenty. Sca. Twenty! why it comes to forty. Thrifty. No, I'll have nothing to do in it. Oh, a covetous rogue! I wonder he is not ashamed to be so covetous. Sca. Why, this is nothing to the charge at Doctors' Commons: and though her brother has no money, she has an uncle able to defend her. Thrifty. O, eternal rogue! well, I must do it; the devil's in him, I think! Sca. Then, says he, I must carry into France money, to buy a muie, to carry Thrifty. Let him go to the devil with his mule; I'll appeal to the judges. Sca. Nay, good sir, think a little. Sca. Sir, sir; but one little mule? Thrifty. I will not consider; I'll go to law. Sca. I am sure if you go to law, you do not consider the appeals, degrees of jurisdiction, the intricate proceedings, the knaveries, the craving of so many ravenous animals, that will prey upon you! villainous harpies, promoters, tipstaves, and the like; none of which but will puff away the clearest right in the world for a bribe. On the other side, the proctor shall side with your adversary, and sell your cause for ready money: Your advocate shall be gained the same way, and shall not be found when your cause is to be heard. Law is the torment of all torments. Thrifty. That's true: why, what does the damned rogue-reckon for his mule? Sca. Why, for horses, furniture, mule, and to pay some scores that are due to his landlady, he demands, and will have, two hundred pounds. Thrifty. Come, come, let us go to law. Sca. Do not plunge yourself- Sca. Why, there's for procuration, presentation, councils, productions, proctors, attendance, Thrifty. What, two hundred pounds! Sca. Ay; besides, you ne'er think how they'll rail at you in pleading, tell all your fornications, bastardings, and commutings, in their courts. Thrifty. I defy them; let them tell of my whoring-'tis the fashion! Sca. Peace! here's the brother. Enter SHIFT, disguised like a Bully. Shift. Damme! where's this confounded dog, this father of Octavian? Null the marriage! By all the honour of my ancestors, I'll chine the villain. Thrifty. Oh, oh! [Hides himself behind SCAPIN. Sca. He cares not, sir; he'll not give the two hundred pounds. Shift. By Heaven! he shall be worm's meat within these two hours! Sca. Sir, he has courage; he fears you not. Thrifty. You lie, I have not courage; I do fear him mortally! Shift. He, he, he! Ounds he! would all his family were in him, I'd cut off root and branch. Dishonour my sister! this in his guts! What fellow's that? ha! Sca. Not he, sir. Shift. Nor none of his friends? Thrifty. No, sir; hang him, I am his mortal enemy? Shift. Art thou the cnemy of that rascal? Thrifty. Do not provoke him, Scapin. [He forms every way with his sword. Here I had one through the lungs, there another into the heart: Ha there another into the guts : Ah, rogues! there I was with you-hah! hah! Sca. Hold, sir; we are none of your enemies. Shift, No, but I will find the villains out while my blood is up! I will destroy the whole family. Ha, ha, ha. [Exit SHIFT fencing. Thrifty. Here, Scapin, I have two hundred guineas about me, take them. No more to be said. Let me never see his face again. Take them, I say. This is the devil! Sca. Will you not give them him yourself? Thrifty. No, no! I will never see him more': and scribbling vast volumes of interrogatories, I shall not recover this these three months! See depositions, and articles, consultations, and the business done. I trust in thee, honest Sca my son, and stay as a pledge in his room, till I can raise the money. Sca. Alas, sir! think you the captain has so little wit as to accept of such a poor rascally fellow as I am, instead of your son? Gripe. What the devil did he do a shipboard? Sca. D'ye remember, sir, that you have but an hour's time? Gripe. Thou sayest he demands Sca. Two hundred pounds. Gripe. Two hundred pounds! Has the fellow no conscience? Sca. O lord! the conscience of a pirate! why, very few lawful captains have any. Gripe. Has he not reason neither? Does he know what the sum two hundred pounds is? Sca. Yes, sir; tarpawlins are a sort of people that understand money, though they have no great acquaintance with sense. But, for Heaven's sake, dispatch! Gripe. Here, take the key of the countinghouse. Sca. So! Gripe. And open it. Sca. Very good. Gripe. In the left-hand window lies the key of my garret; go, take all the clothes that are in the great chest, and sell them to the brokers to redeem my son. Sca. Sir, you're mad! I shan't get fifty shillings for all that's there, and you know that I am straitened for time. Gripe. What a devil did he do a shipboard! Sca. Let shipboard alone, and consider, sir, your son. But Heaven's my witness, I have done for him as much as was possible; and if he be not redeemed, he may thank his father's kindness. Gripe. Well, sir, I'll go see if I can raise the money-was it not ninescore pounds you spoke of? Sca. No; two hundred pounds. Sca. While we were eating, he put to sea; and when we were a good distance from the shore, he discovered himself to be an English renegado, | that was entertained in the Dutch service, and sent me off in his long-boat to tell you, that if you don't forthwith send him two hundred pounds, he'll carry away your son prisoner: nay for aught I know, he'll carry him a slave to Al-dred pounds sterling. giers. Gripe. How, in the devil's name? two hundred pounds! Sca. Yes, sir; and more than that, he has allowed me but an hour's time; you must advise quickly what course to take, to save an only son! Gripe. What a devil had he to do a shipboard? -Run quickly, Scapin, and tell the villain, I'll send my lord chief justice's warrant after him. Sca. O lord! his warrant in the open sea! d'ye think pirates are fools? Gripe. I'th' devil's name, what business had he a shipboard? Sca. There is an unlucky fate, that often hurries men to mischief, sir. Gripe. Scapin, thou must now act the part of a faithful servant. Sca. As bow, sir? Gripe What two hundred pounds Dutch, hey? Sca. No, sir; I mean English money; two hun Gripe. I' th' devil's name, what business had he a shipboard? Confounded shipboard! Sca. This shipboard sticks in his stomach. Gripe. Hold, Scapin! I remember I received the very sum just now in gold, but I did not think I should have parted with it so soon. [He presents ScAPIN his purse, but will not let it go; and in his anxiety pulls his arm to and fro, whilst SCAPIN reaches at it. Sca. Ay, sir. Gripe. But tell the captain he is the son of a whore ! Sca. Yes, sir. Gripe. A dogbolt. Sca. I shall, sir. Gripe. A thief! a robber! and that he forces me to pay him two hundred pounds contrary to Gripe. Thou must go bid the pirate send me all law or equity. |