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Thrifty. You're mistaken, sir; you're mis-gilant duns, that torment hin more than taken! Pish! why do I spend my time in tittle- an old mother does a poor gallant, when she tattle with this idle fellow? —- Hang-dog! go solicits a maintenance for her discarded daughfod out my rake-hell (To SHIFT.), whilst I to my brother Gripe, and inform him of my mis Sca. Your money shall be my next carefortune.
Let me see, I want a fellow to -Canst thou Sca. In the mean time, if I can do you any not counterfeit a roaring bully of Alsatia ?service
Stalk-look big-Very well. Follow me; I have Thrifty. O! I thank you, sir, I thank you. ways to disguise thy voice and countenance.
[Exit Turisty. Shift. Pray, take a little care, and lay your Skift. I must confess thou art a brave fellow, plot so that I may not act the bully always : I and our affairs begin to be in a better posture-would not be beaten like a bully. but the money, the money -we are abomin Sca. We'll share the danger, we'll share the ably poor, and my master has the lean vi- danger.
Lean. What d'ye mean, sir?
Gripe. Stand still, and let me look ye in the Enter THRIFTY and GRIPE,
Lean. How must I stand, sir? Gripe. Sir, what you tell me concerning Gripe. Look upon me with both eyes. your son, bath strangely frustrated our designs. Lèan. Well, sir, I do.
Thrifty. Sir, trouble not yourself about my Gripe. What's the meaning of this report? son; I have undertaken to remove all obstacles, Lean. Report, sir? which is the business I am so vigorously in Gripe. Yes, report, sir; I speak English, as I pursuit of.
take it: What is't that you have done in my Gripe. In troth, sir, I'll tell you what I say to absence ? you: The education of children, after the
Lean. What is't, sir, which you would have getting of them, ought to be the nearest concern had me done? of a father. And had you tutored your son with Gripe. I do not ask you, what I would have that care and duty incumbent on you, he never had you done; but, what have you done? could so slightly have forfeited his.
Lean. Who? I, sir? Why, I have done nothing Thrifty. Sir, to return you a sentence for at all, not I sir. your sentence: Those that are so quick to cen Gripe. Nothing at all ? sure and condemn the conduct of others, ought Leun. No, sir. first to take care that all be well at home. Gripe. You have no impudence to speak on.
Gripe. Why, Mr. Thrifty, have you heard Lean. Sir, I have the confidence that becomes any thing concerning my son?
a man, and my innocence. Thrifty. It may be Í bave; and it may be Gripe. Very well: but Scapin, d'ye mark me, worse than my own.
young man, Scapin has told me some tales of Gripe. What is't I
your behaviour. Thrifty. Even your own Scapin told it me; Lean. Scapin! and you may hear it from him, or some body Gripe. Oh, have I caught you? That name else: for my part, I am your friend, and would makes ye blush, does it?' "I'is well you have not willingly be the messenger of ill news to one some grace left. that I think so to me. Your servant-I must Lean. Has he said any thing concerning me? hasten to my counsel, and advise what's to be Gripe. That shall be examined anon: In the done in this case. Good bye till I see you again. mean while, get you home, d'ye hear, and stay
[Erit Turity: till my return; but look to't, if thou bast done Gripe. Worse than his son! For my part, I any thing to dishonour me, never think to come cannot imagine how; for a son to marry impu- within my doors, or see my face more: but exdently without the consent of his father, is as pect to be miserable as thy folly and poverty can great an offence as can be imagined, I take it make thee.
[Erit Gripe. But yonder he comes.
Leun. Very fine; I am in a hopeful condiEnter LEANDER.
tion. This rascal has betrayed my marriage,
and undone me! Now, there is no way left but Lean. Oh, my dear father, how joyful am I to turn outlaw, and live by rapine: and, to set to see you safely returned! Welcome, as the my hand in, the first thing shall be, to cut the blessing, which I am now craving, will be. throat of that perfidious pick-thank doy, who
Gripe. Not so fast, friend o’mine! soft and has ruined me. fair goes far, sir, You are my son, as I take it.
Enter OCTAVIAN and SCAPIN.
Lean. What's the matter? Oct. Dear Scapin, how infinitely am I obliged an action of 2001. They say 'uis a debt she left
Sly. Your mistress, sir, is yonder arrested in to thee for thy care ! Lean. Yonder he comes: I'm overjoyed to hither to Dover; and, if you don't raise money
unpaid at London, in the haste of her escape see you, good Mr. Doy! Sca. Sir, your most humble servant; you ho- be hurried to prison.
within these two hours to discharge her, she'll nour me too far.
Lean. Within these two hours? Lean. You act an ill fool's part; but I shall
Sly. Yes, sir, within these two hours.
Leun. Ah, my poor Scapin! I want thy asScu. Sir?
(SCAPin walks about surlily. Oct. Hold! Leander.
Sca. Ah, my poor Scapin! Now I'm your Lean. No, Octavian; I'll make him confess the treachery he has committed; yes, varlet
poor Scapin; now you've need of me. dog! I know the trick you bave played me : You hast done, and worse, if thou art guilty of it.
Lean. No more! 1 pardon thee all that thou thought, perhaps, no body would have told me.
Sca. No, no; never pardon me: run your But I'll make you confess it, or I'll run iny sword sword in my guts; you'll do better to murder into your guts!
Sca. Oh, sir, sir! would you have the heart Lean. For Heaven's sake, think no more to do such a thing? Have I done you any injury, upon that; but study now to assist me. sir? Lean. Yes, rascal! that you have, and I'll
Oct. You must do something for him. make you own it, too, or i'll swinge it out of
Sca. Yes, to have my bones broken for my
pains. your already tanned thick hide. [Beats him. Sca. The devil's in't! Lord, sir! what d'ye severe extremity?
Lean. Would you leave me, Scapin, in this mcan? Nay, good Mr. Leander, pray, Mr. Lean
Sca. To put such an affront upon me as you der ; 'squire Leander-As I hope to be saved
did! Oct. Prithee be quiet: for shame! enough.
Lean. I wronged thee, I confess. [Interposes.
Sca. To use me like a scoundrel, a villain, a Sca. Well, sir, I confess, indeed, thatLeun. What! speak, rogue ?
rascal; to threaten to run your sword in my
guts! Sca. About two months ago, you may remem
Lean. I cry thy mercy with all my heart; and ber, a maid servant died in the house
if thou wilt have me throw myself at thy feet, Lean. What of all that?
I'll do it. Sca. Nay, sir, if I confess you must not be
Oct. Faith, Scapin, you must, you cannot but angry. Lean. Well, go on.
yield. Sca. 'Twas said, she died for love of me, sir : another time, better words and gentler blows.
Sca. Well, then: But do you mark me, sir? But let that pass.
Lean. Will you promise to mind my busiLean. Death! you trifling buffoon.
ness? Sca. Ahout a week after her death, I drest
Sca. As I see convenient, care shall be taken. up myself like her ghost, and went into Madam
Lean. But the time you know is short. Lucia, your mistress's chamber, where she lay half in, half out of bed, with her woman by her, much money is't you want?
Sca. Pray, sir, don't be so troublesome: How reading an ungodly play-book.
Lean. Two hundred pounds. Leun. And was it your impudence did that?
Sca. And you ? Sca. They both believed it was a ghost to this
Oct. As much. hour. But it was myself played the goblin, to frighten her from the scurvy custom of lying shall be done: for you the contrivance is laid
Sca. [TO LEANDER.] No more to be said ; it awake at those unseasonable hours, hearing already; and for your father, though he be covetfilthy plays, when she had never said her prayers. ous to the last degree, yet, thanks be to Hea
Leun. 'I shall remember you for all in time and place : But come to the point, and tell me extraordinary: Do not take it ill, sir; for you
ven, he's but a shallow person; his parts are not what thou hast said to my father.
have no resemblance of him, but that Sca. To your father? I have not so much as seen him since his return, and if you would ask very like him. Begone! I see Octavian's father
coming; I'll begin with him. him, he'll tell you so himself. Lean. Yes, he told me himself, and told me
[Ereunt Octavian and LEANDER. all that thou hast said to him.
Enter THRIFTY. Sca. With your good leave, sir, then, he lied; Here he comes, mumbling and chewing the I beg your pardon, I mean he was mistaken.
cud, to prove himself a clean beast.
Thrifty. Oh, audacious boy, to commit so Enter Sly.
insolent a crime, and plunge himself in such a Sly, Oh, sir, I bring you the most unhappy mischief! news!
Sca. Sir, your humble servant.
Thrifty. How do you, Scapin?
their sons' miscarriages, but have bowels for Sca. What, you are ruminating on your son's them; I have much ado to refrain weeping fur rash actions ?
you. Thrifiy. Have I not reason to be troubled ? Thrifty. Truly, my case is sad, very sad.
Sca. The life of man is full of troubles, that's Sca. So it is. Tears will burst out; I have a the truth on't: But your philosopher is always great respect for your person. prepared. I remember an excellent proverb of
Counterfeits weeping. the ancients, very fit for your case.
Thrifty. Thank you, with all my heart; in Thrifty. What's that?
troth we should have a fellow-feeling. Sca. Pray, mind it; 'twill do ye a world of Sca. Ay, so we should; I assure you there is good.
not a person in the world whom I respect more Thrifty. What is't, I ask you?
than the noble Mr. Thrifty. Sca. Why, when the master of a family shall Thrifty. Thou art honest, Scapin. Ha' dope be absent any considerable time from bis home ha' done. or mansion, he ought, rationally, gravely, Sca. Sir, your most humble servant. wisely, and philosophically, to revolve within Thrifty. But what is your way? bis mind all the concurrent circumstances, that Sca. Why, in brief, I have been with the may, during the interval, conspire to the con- brother of her, whom your wicked son has marjunction of those misfortunes, and troublesome ried. accidents, that may intervene upon the said ab Thrifty. What is he? sence, and the interruption of his economical in Sca. A most outrageous, roaring fellow, with spection into the remissness, negligences, frail- a down hanging look, contracted brow, with a ties, and huge and perilous errors, which his swelled red face, enflamed with brandy; one substitutes, servants, or trustees, may be capa- that frowns, puffs, and looks big at all mankind; ble of, or liable or obnoxious unto; which may roars out oaths, and bellows out curses enough arise from the imperfection and corruptness of in a day to serve a garrison a weck; bred up in ingenerated natures, or the taint and contagion blood and rapine; used to slaughter from his of corrupted education, whereby the fountain- youth upwards; one that makes no more conhead of man's disposition becomes muddy, and science of killing a man, than cracking of a all the streams of his manners and conversation louse; he has killed sixteen; four for taking the run consequently defiled and impure: These wall of him; five for looking too big upon him, things premised, and fore-considered, arm the In short, he is the most dreadful of all the race said prudent philosophical Pater-Familias, to of bullies. find his house laid waste, his wife murdered, his Thrifty. Heaven! How do I tremble at the daughters deflowered, his sons banged: description? But what's this to my business? *Cum multis aliis, quæ nunc prescribere lon- and I have brought him, by threatening him with
Sca. Why, be (as most bullies are) is in want, gum est.'
all the courses of law, all the assistance of And to thank Heaven 'uis no worse, too. D'ye your friends, and your great purse, (in which I mark, sir?
ventured my life ten times, for so often he drew Thristy. 'Sdeath! Is all this a proverb ? and run at me) yet, I say, at last I have made
Sca. Ay, and the best proverb, and the wisest, him hearken to a composition, and to null the in the world. Guod sir, get it by heart: marriage for a sum of money. Twill do you the greatest good imaginable; and Thrifty. Thanks, dear Scapin, but what sum? don't trouble yourself: I'll repeat it to you till Sca. Faith, he was damnably unreasonable you have gotten it by heart.
at first; and gad, I told him so very roundly. Thrifty. No, I thank you, sir; I'll have nove Thrifty. A pox on him! what did be on't.
ask? Sca. Pray do, you'll like it better next time; Sca. Ask ! hang him! why he asked five hunhear it once more,
-When the mas- dred pounds. ter of a
Thrifty. Ouns and heart, five hundred pounds! Thrifty. Hold, hold; I have better thoughts five hundred devils take him—and fry and of my own; I am going to my lawyer; I'll null frickasee the deg! does he take me for a madthe marriage.
Sca. Going to law ! Are you mad, to venture Sca. Why, so I said ; and after much argument, yourself among lawyers? Do you not see every I brought him to this : “ Damme,' says he, I day how the spunges suck poor clients, and, am going to the army, and I must liave two with a company of foolish nonsensical terms, 'good horses for myself, for fear one should die; and kpavish tricks, undo the nation? No, you ard those will cost at least threescore guineas.' shall take another way.
Thrifty. Hang him rogue ! why sbould he Thrifty. You have reason, if there were any have two horses? But I care not if I give three
score guineas to be rid of this affair. Sca. Come, I have found onc. The truth is, Sca. Then, says he,' my pistols, saddle, horse I have a great compassion for your grief. I cloth, and all, will cost twenty more.' tangot, when I sce tender fathers afflicted for
Thrifty. Why, that's four score.
Sca. Well reckoned : 'Faith, this arithmetic is pleadings of doctors, for the register, substitute, a fine art. Then, I must have one for my boy, judgments, signings-Expedition fees, besides will cost twenty more.
the vast presents to them and their wives. Thrifty. On, the devil! confounded dog ! let Hang it the fellow is out of employment; give him yo and be damned ! I'll give him nothing. him the money, give him it, I say. Sca. Sir.
Thrifty. What, two hundred pounds! Thrifty. Not a sous, damned rascal! let him Sca, Ay, ay; why, you'll gain 1501. by it, I turn foot soldier, and be hanged !
have summed it up; I say, give it him, i'faith do. Sca. Ile has a man besides; would
Thrifty. What, two hundred pounds! him go a-foot ?
Sca. Ay; besides, you ne'er think how they'll Thrifty. Ay, and his master too; I'll have rail at you in pleading, tell all your fornications, nothing to do with him.
bastardings, and commutings, in their courts. Sca. Well, you are resolved to spend twice as Thrifty. I defy them; let them tell of my much at Doctors' Commons, you are ; you will whoring—'tis the fashion ! stand out for such a sum as this,do.
Sca. Peace ! here's the brother.
Enter SHIFT, disguised like a Bully. Thrifty. No, I'll bave nothing to do in it. Oh, a covetous rogue ! I wonder he is not ashamed Shift. Damme! where's this confounded dog, to be so covetous.
this father of Octavian ? Null the marriage! By Sca. Why, this is nothing to the charge at all the honour of my ancestors, I'll chine the vilDoctors' Commons: and though her brother lain. has no money, shie has an uncle able to defend Thrifty. Oh, oh! her.
[Hides himself behind SCAPIN. Thrifty. (), eternal rogue ! well, I must do Sca. He cares not, sir; he'll not give the two it; the devil's in him, I think!
hundred pounds. Sca. Then, says he, I must carry into France Shift. By Heaven ! he shall be worm's meat money, to buy a muie, to carry
within these two hours ! Thrifty. Let hii yo to the devil with bis Sca. Sir, he has courage; he fears you mule ; l'il appeal to the judges.
Thristy. You lie, I have not courage; I do fear Sca. Nay, good sir, think a little.
him mortally! Thrifty. No, I'll do nothing.
Shift. He, he, he! Ounds he ! would all bis Sca. Sir, sir ; but one little mule?
family were in him, I'd cut off root and branch. Thrifty. No, not so much as an ass !
Dishonour my sister! this in his guts! What Scu, Consider.
fellow's that! ha! Thrifty. I will not consider; I'll go to-law. Sca. Not he, sir.
Sca. I am sure if you go to law, you do not Shift. Nor none of his friends? consider the appeals, degrees of jurisdiction, the Thrifty. No, sir; hang him, I am bis mortal intricate proceedings, theknaveries, the craving enemy? of so many ravenous animals, that will prey Shift. Art thou the cnemy of that rascal ? upon you! villainous harpies, promoters, tip Thrifty. Oh! ay, hang him— -Oh damned staves, and the like; none of which but will puff | bully!
[Aside. away the clearest right in the world for a bribe. Shift. Give me thy hand, old boy; the next On the other side, the proctor shall side with sun shall not see the impudent rascal alive. your adversary, and sell your cause for ready Sca. He'll muster up all his relations against money : Your advocate shall be gained the you. same way,
and shall not be found when your Thrilly. Do not provoke him, Scapin. cause is to be heard. Law is the torment of Shift. Would they were all here-ha, ha, ha ! all torments.
[He forms every way with his sword. Thrifty. That's true : why, what does the Here I had one through the lungs, there another damned rogue
-reckon for his mule? into the heart : Ha : there another into the guts : Sca. Why, for horses, furniture, mule, and to Ab, rogues ! there I was with you-hah! hah! pay some scores that are due to his landlady, he Sca. Hold, sir; we are none of your enemies. demand-, and will have, two hundred pounds. Shift, No, but I will find the villains out while Thrifty. Come, cime, let us go to law. my
! I will destroy the whole family. [TH:IFTY wulks up and down in a great heat. Ha, ha, ha.
[Erit Shift fencing: Sca. Do but reflect upon
Thrifty. Here, Scapin, i have two hundred Thrijty. I'll go to law.
guineas about me, take them. No more to be Sca. Do not plunge yourself
said. Let me never see inis face again. Take Thrifty. To law, I tell you.
them, I say. This is the devil ! Sca. Why, there's for procuration, presenta Sca. Will you not give them him yourself? tion, councils, productions, proctors, attendance, Thrifty. No, no! I wili never see him more : and scribbling vast volumes of interrogatories, I shall not recover this these three months! See depositions, and articles, consultations, and the business done. I trust in thee, honest Sca
blood is up
pin-I must repose somewhere-I am mightily | my son, and stay as a pledge in his room, till I out of order-, plague on all bullies, I say !
can raise the money.
[Erit Turisty. Sca. Alas, sir ! think you the captain has so Sca. So, there's one dispatched ; I must now little wit as to accept of such a poor rascally find out Gripe. He's bere; how Heaven brings fellow as I am, instead of your son ? them into my nets, one after another !
Gripe. What the devil did he do a shipboard?
Sca. D'ye remember, sir, that you have but an Enter Gripe.
Gripe. Thou sayest he demands-
Gripe. Two hundred pounds ! Has the fel(Walks about distructedly. low no conscience? Gripe. What's that he says of me?
Sca. O lord ! the conscience of a pirate! Sca. Is there nobody can tell me news of Mr. why, very few lawful captains have any. Gripe.
Gripe. Has he not reason neither? Does he Gripe. Who's there, Scapin?
know what the sum two hundred pounds is? Sca. How I run up and down to find him to Sca. Yes, sir ; tarpawlins are a sort of peoDO purpose ! Oh! sir, is there no way to hear ple that uuderstand money, though they have no of Mr. Gripe?
great acquaintance with sense. But, for HeaGripe. Art thou blind? I have been just ven's sake, dispatch! under thy nose this hour.
Gripe. Here, take the key of the countingSca. Sir Gripe. What's the matter?
Sca. So! Sca. Oh! Sir, your son
Gripe. And open it. Gripe. Ha ! ny son!
Sca. Very good. Sca. Is fallen into the strangest mis fortune Gripe. In the left-hand window lies the key in the world!
of my garret ; go, take all the clothes that are Gripe. What is it?
in the great chest, and sell them to the brokers Sca. I met him a while ago, disordered for to redeem my son. something you had said to him, wherein you very Sca. Sir, you're mad! I shan't get fifty shilidly made use of my name, and seeking to di- lings for all that's there, and you know that I am vert bis melancholy, we went to walk upon the straitened for time. pier: amongst other things, he took particular Gripe. What a devil did he do a shipboard ! notice of a new caper in her full trim. The
cap Sca. Let shipboard alone, and consider, sir, tain invited us on board, and gave us the hand- your son. But Heaven's my witness, I have somest collation I ever met with.
done for hiin as much as was possible ; and if Gripe. Well, and where's the disaster of all he be not redeemed, he may thank his father's this?
kindness. Sca. While we were eating, he put to sea ; and Gripe. Well, sir, I'll go see if I can raise the when we were a good distance from the shore, money-was it not ninescore pounds you spoke he discovered himself to be an Englislı renegado, of? that was entertained in the Dutch service, and Sca. No; two hundred pounds. sent me off in his long-hoat to tell you, that if Gripe What iwo hundred pounds Dutch, you don't fortbwith send him two hundred hey? pounds, be'll carry away your son prisoner: nay Sca. No, sir ; I mean English money;two hunfor aught I know, he'll carry him a slave to Al-fdred pounds sterling. giers.
Gripe. I'th' devil's name, what business had Gripe. Ilow, in the devil's name ? two bun- he a shipboard? Confounded shipboard ! dred pounds!
Sca. This shipboard sticks in his stomach. Sca. Yes, sir ; and more than that, he has al Gripe. lold, Scapin! I remember I received lowed me but an hour's time; you must advise the very sum just now in gold, but I did not quickly what course to take, to save an only son! think I should have parted with it so soon. Gripe. What a devil had he tu do a shipboard ? [He presents Scavin his purse, but will not -Run quickiy, Scapin, and tell the villain, I'll let it go; and in his unxiety pulls his send my lord chief justice's warrant atier him. arm to and fro, whilst Scal'in reuches Sca. O lord ! bis warrant in the open sea!
at it. d'ye think pirates are fools ?
Sca. Av, sir. Gripe. I'th' devil's name, what business had Gripe. But tell the captain he is the son of be a shipboard?
a whore ! Sca. There is an unlucky fate, that often hur Sca, Yes, sir. ries men to mischiet, sir.
Gripe. A dogbolt. Gripe. Scapin, thou must now act the part of Sca. I shall, sir. a faithful servant.
Gripe. A thief! a robber! and that be forces Sca. As bow, sir?
me to pay him two hundred pounds contrary to Gripe, Thou must go bid the pirate send me all law or equity.