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1st Wom. Between you and I Betty, and our | as he pleases, with all the proper scenes dresses, two brooms, the house-keeper is grown a little machinery, and music; so, what signifies all our purse-proud; he thinks himself a great actor prating? forsooth, since he played the Scotch fellow, and Saun. Very little, as you say--but damn all the fat cook in Queen Mab.
these new vagaries, that put us all upon our 2d Wom. The quality spoils him too: why, heads topsy versy!—my men have sat up all woman, he talks to them for all the world as if night, and I have finished every thing but the he was a lord!
Dancing Cows. 1st Wom. I shall certainly resign, as the great Hop. Bless my heart, man, the author defolks call it in the newspaper, if they won't pro- pends most upon his cows ! mise to give me the first dresser's place that falls, Saun. His cows! bow came they to be his? and make our little Tommy a paye; what, wo- they are my cows ;-these poets are pretty fel. man! though we are well paid for our work, lows, faith? they say, I'll have a flying devil, or we ought to make sure of something when our a dancing hear, or any such conundrum ; why, brooms are taken from us—'tis the fashion, 'tis easily said, but who is to make them Ay, and Betty.
dance ? ha, Master Prompter? Why, poor Pill 2. Wom. Right, right, Mrs, Besom ; service is Garlic—the audience applauds, the author is no inheritance, and to be always doing dirty conceited; but the capenter is never thought of. work, and to have no prospect to rest, and Hop. These are bold truths, Mr. Saunders. clean ourselves, is the curse only of us poor Saun. Why, then, out with them, I say—great folks.
men spin the brains of the little ones, and take 1st Wom. You and I will drink a dish of tea the credit of them. Do you know how I was together in comfort this afternoon, and talk over served in our dramatic romance of Cymon ? these and other matters—but mum-here's the Hop. You did your business well there, parprompter. [They sing, and sweep again. ticularly in the last scene.
Saun. And what was the consequence? One Enter HOPKINS.
fine gentleman in the boxes said, my master
brought it from Italy — No, damn it, (says anHop. Come, come, away with your brooms, other, taking snuff) I saw the very same thing at and clear the stage; the managers will be here Paris ;' when you all know here, behind the directly. (The Sweepers hurry of:] Where are scenes, that the whole design came from this the carpenters !--Carpenters?
head; and the execution from these hands—but
nothing can be done by an Englishman now a A Carpenter above.
days; and so your servant, Mr. Hopkins. Car. What do you want, Mr. Hopkins ?
(Going. Hop. What do I want? Come down, and set
Hop. Hark’ye, Saunders ? the managers have the scenes for the new Burletta of Orpheus.
ordered me to discharge the man at the lightnCar. We an't ready for it ; the beasts are now
ing; he was so drunk the last time he flashed, in band—they an't finished.
that he has singed all the clouds on that side
the Hop. Not finished the beasts! here's fine
[Pointing to the clouds. work! the managers and author will be here burnt a hole in the new cascade, and set fire to
Saun. Yes, yes, I see it; and, harkye ? he has directly, and nothing ready-fie, fie, fie!
the shower of rain-but mumSaunders ! Saunders !
Hop. The deuce! he must be discharged diEnter Saunders.
[Exit SAUNDERS. Saun, Here! here !--Zooks, what a bawling
Pat. [Without.] Where's the prompter? you make! do keep your breath for your prompt
Hop. Here I am, sir. ing, Master Hopkins, and send it not after me
Enter Patent. at this rate- I'm not deaf!
Hop. But your men are, and asleep too, I be Pat. Make haste with your scenes, Saunders; lieve; I can't get a soul of them near me ; 'tis so, clear the stage, Mr. Hopkins, and let us go to ten o'clock, [Looking at his watch.] and not a business. Is the extraordinary author of this scene prepared for the rehearsal; 'tis I shall be very extraordinary performance come yet! blamed, and not you.
Hop. Not yet, sir, but we shall be soon ready Saun. Blamed for what! Tis but a rehearsal, for him. 'Tis a very extraordinary thing indeed, and of one act only—would you have us to finish to rehearse only one act of a performance, and our work, before the poet has done his? Don't with dresses and decorations, as if it were really you know, that carpenters are always the last in before an audience. the house and yet you want us to get out of it, Pat. It is a novelty, indecd, and a little exbefore the author has covered in!
pensive too, but we could not withstand the soHop. You may be as witty as you please; licitations, that were made to us; we shaa't often but the managers will do as they please, and repeat the same experiment. they have promised the author to rehearse the Hop. I hope not, sir; 'tis a very troublesome irst act of his Burletta of Orpheus this morning, one, and the performers murmur greatly at it.
Pat. When do the performers not murmur, deed of any body else ; a very tolerable one of Mr. Hopkins? Has any morning passed in your himself—and so I believe he'll come You untime without some grievance or another? derstand me-ha, ha, ha! Hop. I have half a dozen now in my pocket Pat. I do, sir-But, pray, Mr. Glib, why did
[Feeling in his pocket for papers. not you complete your burletta—'tis very new Pat. O, pray, let's have them ! my old break- with us to rehearse but one act only? fast—[Prompter gives them.)-And the old story Glib. By a sample, Mr. Patent, you may -Actresses quarrelling about parts; there's not know the piece: if you approve, you shall never one of them but thinks herself young enough for want novelty; I am a very spider at spinning any part; and not a young one but thinks her my own brains, ha, ha, ha! always at it, spin, self capable of any part ! But their betters quar- spin, spin-you understand me? rel about what they are not fit for; so our la Pat. Extremely well-In your second act, I dies have, at least, great precedents for their suppose, you intend to bring Orpheus into folly.
hell? Hop. The young fellow from Edinburgh won't Glib. O yes, I make him play the devil there; accept of the second lord ; he desires to have I send him for some better purpose than to fetch the first.
his wife, ba, ha, ha! Don't mistake me-while Pat. I don't doubt it-Well, well, if the au- he is upon earth, I make him a very good sort thor can make him speak English, I have no ob- of man-He keeps a mistress, indeed, but his jection.
wife's dead, you know; and, were slie alive, not Hop. Mr. Rantly is indisposed, and can't play much harm in that, for I make him a man of fato-morrow.
shion-Fashion, you know, is all in all-You Pat. Well, well, let his lungs rest a little; understand me? Upon a qualm of conscience, he they want it, I'm sure. What a campaign shall quits his mistress, and sets out for hell, with a we make of it! all our subalterns will be ye- resolution to fetch his wifeneral officers; and our generals will only fight Pat. Is that, too, like a man of fashion, Mr. when they please.
Glib? Glib. [Without.] O he's upon the stage, is he? Glib. No, that's the moral part of him-He's I'll go to him
a mixed character--but, as he approaches and Pat. Here comes the author; do you prepare gets into the infernal regions, his principles melt the people for the rehearsal; desire them to be away by degrees, as it were by the heat of the as careful, as if they were to perform before an climate ; and finding that his wife, Eurydice, is audience.
kept by Pluto, he immediately makes up to ProHop. I will, sir-Pray let us know when we serpine, and is kept by her; then they all four must begin.
[Erit, agrée matters amicabiy--Change partners, as
one may say, make a genteel partie quarrée, and Enter Glib.
finish the whole with a song and a chorus--and
a stinger it is The subject of the song is, the Glib. Dear Mr. Patent, am not I too late? Do old proverb, “exchange is no robbery," and the make me happy at once; I have been upon the chorus runs thusrack this half hour--But the ladies, Mr. Patent, the ladies
We care not or know, Pat. But where are the ladies, sir?
In matters of love, Glib. They'll be here in the drinking of a cup
What is doing above, of tea; I left them all at breakfast; Lady Fuz But this, this is the fashion below. can't stir from home without some refreshinent. Sir Macaroni Virtu was not come, when I left I believe that's true satire, Mr. Patent; strong them; be generally sits up all niglit, and if he and poignant; you understand me? gets up before two o'clock, he only walks in his Pat. ( very well! 'tis Chian pepper indeed; sleep all the rest of the day-He is perhaps the
a little will go a great way. most accomplished connoisseur in the three king Glib. I make Orpheus see, in my hell, all doms; yet he is never properly awake till other sorts of people, of all degrees, and occupations ; people go to bed! however, if he should come, ay, and of both sexes--that's not very unnatural, our little performance, I believe, will rouse him, I believe—there shall be very good company, ha, ha, ha! you understand me! A pinch of too, I assure you; high life below stairs, as I call cephalic only.
it, ha, ha, ha! you take me-a double edge--no Pat. I have the honour of knowing him a boy's-play-rip and tear—the times require itlittle-Will Sir Macaroni be here?
fortè, fortissime Glib. Why, he promised, but he's too polite Pat. Won't it be too fortè ? Take
care, to be punctual-You understand me? ha, ha, Glib, not to make it so much above proof, that ha!-however, I am pretty sure we shall see the boxes can't taste it. Take care of empty hiin- I have a secret for you-not a soul must boxes ! know it he has composed two of the songs in Glib. Empty boxes! I'll engage, that my my burletta---An admirable musician, but par- Cerberus alone sliall fix the boxes for a month. ticular-lle has no great opinion of me, nor in Pat, Cerberus !
Glib. Be quiet a little. You know, I suppose, Pat. I will prepare some tea and chocolate in that Cerberus is a dog, and has three heads? the green-room for the ladies, while the prompter Pat. I have heard as much.
prepares matters for the rehearsal. Glib. Then you shall see some sport-He Lady Fuz. I never breakfast but once a day, shall be a comical dog, too, I warrant you, ha, Mr. Manager; Sir Toby, indeed, never refuses ha, ha!
any thing at any time; he's at it from morning Pat. What, is Cerberus a character in your till night. performance
Sir Toby. I love to be social, my dear; beGlib. Capital, capital ! I have thrown all my sides, trifling with tea, chocolate, macaroons, fancy and invention into his mouth, or rather bisquets, and such things, is never reckoned mouths—there are threc of them, you know.
eating, you know. Pat. Most certainly, if there are three heads. Glib. You are indefatigably obliging, Mr. PaGlib. Poh, that's nothing to what I have in tent.
[Erit PATENT. petto for you-Observe me now-when Orpheus Miss Fuz. Bless me, papa, what a strange comes to the gates of hell, Cerberus stops him— place this is ! I am sure I should not have known but how, how-now for it-guess
it again—I wonder where he is ! I wish I could Pat. Upon my soul, I can't gues.
get a peep at him; and yet I am frighted out of Glib. I make his three heads sing a trio.
[Aside, and looking about. Pat. A trio?
Sir Toby. Now the manager is gone, one may Glib. A trio! I knew I should hit you—a venture to say, that the play-house is no morntrio, treble, tenor, and bass—and what shall they ing beauty; paint and candle-light are as great sing? nothing in the world but, Bow, wow, wow? friends to the theatres, as to the ladies; they Orpheus begins
many wrinkles--don't they, Mr. Glib? ha,
Glib. You have hit it, Sir Toby, and this is
[Sir Toby shews his daughter the scenes. Bow, wow, wow!
Lady Fuz. [Looking about with a glass.] My
dear Sir Toby, you, you may be as sarcastical Treble, tenor, and bass-Then Orpheus shall as you please ; but I protest, a play-house is a tickle his lyre, and treble, tenor, and bass, shall prodigious odd sort of a thing, now there is nofall asleep by degrees, and one after another, body in it-is it not, Sir Macaroni? fainter and fainter-Bow, wow, wow-fast, you Sir Mac. O yes, and a prodigious odd sort of understand me!
a thing, when 'tis full too-1 abominate a playPat. Very ingenious, and very new“I hope house; my ingenious countrymen bave no taste the critics will understand it.
now for the high seasoned comedies; and I am Glib. I will make every body understand it, sure that I have none for the pap and loplolly of or my name is not Derry-down Glib-When I
our present writers, write, the whole town shall understand me--You Glib. Bravo, Sir Macaroni! I would not give understand me?
a pin for a play, no more than a partridge, that Pat. Not very clearly, sir; but it is no matter, has not the fumet. -Here's your company.
Sir Mac. Not amiss, faith! ha, ha, ha!
Lady Fus. Don't let us lose time, Mr. Glib; Enter Sir Toby, LADY Fuz, SIR MACARONI
if they are not ready for the rehearsal, suppose VIRTU, and Miss Fuz.
the manager entertains us with thunder and
lightning, and let us see his traps, and his whims, Glib. Ladies and gentlemen, you do me ho- and harlequin pantomimes. mour; Mr. Patent, Sir Toby, and Miss Fuz, and Sir Toby. And a shower of rain, or an eclipse; this, Sir Macaroni Virtu. [All bow and curtsey.] and I must beg one peep at the Patagonians. Sir Toby, one of the managers.
Miss Fuz. Pray, Mr. Glib, let us have some [Introducing Patent. thunder and lightning. Sir Toby. I am one of the manager's most Glib. Your commands shall be obeyed, Miss; humble and obedient.
I'll whip up to the clouds, and be your Jupiter Glib. I take it as a most particular compli- Tonans in a crack. ment, Sir Macaroni, that you would attend my Sir Mac. A play-house in England is to me trifle at so early an hour.
as dull as a church, and fit only to sleep in. Sir Mac. Why, faith, Glib, without a compli Lady Fuz. Sir Toby thinks so, 100---I'll tell ment, I had much rather be in bed than here, or you what happened the last time we were any where else.
[Yawns. there. Lady Fuz. I have a prodigious curiosity to Miss Fuz. Ay, do, my dear lady, tell what see your play-house by day-light, Mr. Manager : happened to papa ; 'twas very droll. have not you, Sir Macaroni?
Sir Toby. Fie, fie, Fanny mylady, you Sir Mac. Ono, my lady, I never have any cu- should not tell tales out of school." "Twas an riosity to see it at alí.
(Half asleep. accident. 4
Lady Fuz. A very common one with you, my
Enter GLIB. dear: We dined late, Sir Toby could not take his nap, and we came early to the house; in ten Glib. Ladies, you can't possibly have any minutes he fell fast asleep against the box-door, thunder and lightning this morning; one of the his wig half off, his mouth wide open, and snor planks of the thunder-trunks started the other ing like a rhinoceros.
night, and had not Jupiter stepped aside to drink Sir Mac. Well, but the catastrophe, Lady a pot of porter, he had been knocked in the Fuz?
head with his own thunder-bolt. Lady Fuz. The pit and galleries fell a laugh Lady Fuz. Well, let us go into the greening and clapping; I jogged and pulled him, till room, then, and see the actors and actresses Is my arms ached ; and if the box-kecper had not Clive there? I should be glad of all things to luckily opened the door, and Sir Toby fell head- see that woman off the stage. long into the passage, I should have died with Glib. She never attends here, but when she is shame.
wanted, Sir Toby. You'll not die with tenderness, I be Lady Fuz. Bless me! If I was an actress, I lieve ; for I got a lump upon my head as big as should never be a moment out of the playan eyg, and have not been free from the head-house. ach ever since.
Sir Mac. And, if I had my will, I would Miss Fuz. I shall never forget what a fump never be a moment in it. my papa came down with—Ha. ha, ha!
Lady Fuz. I wish I could have seen Clive! I Sir Mac. The tenderness runs in the family, think her a droll creature-nobody has half so Sir Toby.
good an opinion of her as I have. Lady Fuz. Pray don't you adore Shakspeare,
[Erit LADY Fuz. Sir Mac?
Miss Fuz. For my part, I had rather have bad Sir Mac. Shakspeare !
(Yawning. a little thunder and lightning, than all the tea Lady Fuz. Sir Toby and I are absolute wor and chocolate in the world. [Going.) I wonder shippers of him--we very often act some of I don't see hiin.
[Aside. his best tragedy scenes to divert ourselves.
[Exit Miss Fuz. Sir Mac. And it must be very diverting, I dare Sir Mac. What a set of people am I with!
what a place I am in, and what an entertainSir Toby. What, more family secrets! for ment am I to go through! But I can't go shame, Lady Fuz
througb it-so, I'll e'en get into my chair again, Lady Fuz. You need not be ashamed of your and escape from these Hottentots— 1 wish with talents, my dear-I will venture to say you are all my soul, that Sir Toby, my lady, and miss, the the best Romeo, that ever appeared.
author and his piece, the managers, their playSir Toby. Pooh, pooh!
house and their performers, were all at the botSir Mac. I have not the least doubt of Sir tom of the Thames, and that I were fast asleep Toby's genius–But don't your ladyship think he in my bed again.
[Erit. rather carries too much flesh for the loverDoes your ladyship incline to tragedy, too?
Enter WILSON. Lady Fuz. Í have my feelings, sir-and, if Sir Toby will favour you with two or three speeches, Wil. [Peeping.] I durst not discover myself, I will stand up för Juliet.
though I saw her dear eyes looking about for Sir Toby. I vow, Lady Fuz, you distress me If I could see her for a moment now, as beyond measure-I never have any voice till the the stage is clear, and nobody to overlook us, evening.
who knows but I might kindle up her spirit this Miss Fuz. Never mind being a little husky, moment to run away with me---Hah! What papa ! do tear your wig, throw yourself upon the noise is that? There she is! Miss Fanny, Miss ground, and poison yourself.
Fanny! here I am -By Heavens, she comes Sir Muc. This is a glorious scene, faith ![Aside.] Sir Toby looks as if he were susceptible
Enter Miss Fuz. of the tender passions.
Lady Fuz. Too much so, indeed; he is too Afiss Fuz. O dear, how I futter! I can't stay amiable not to be a little faithless—he has been long-my papa and mamma were going to re a great libertine-bave not you, Sir Toby? hearse Romeo and Juliet, or I could not have have you not wronged me? Come, give me a stole out now. pinch of
Wil. Let you and I act those parts in ear[Takes snuff out of his box. nest, miss, and fly to Lawrence's cell-Love Sir Toby. Forget and forgive, my dear-if my has given us the opportunity, and we shall forconstitution erred, my affections never did I feit his protection, if we don't make the best use have told you so a thousand times.
of it. Sir Mac. A wonderful couple, upon my soul ! Aliss Fuz. Indeed, I can't go away with you
[Aside. now-) will find a better opportunity soon
perhaps, ta-morrow -Let me return to the
green-room; if we are seen together, we shall Miss Fuz. Oh, swear not by the moon, the be separated for ever.
inconstant moon! Wil. To prevent that, let me lead you a pri Lady Fuz. [Approaching.] Let us have no vate way through the house to a post-chaise sun, moon, and stars now- What are you about, we shall be out of reach before Sir Toby and my dear? Who is this young gentleman you are my lady have gone half through Romeo and so free with? Juliet.
Miss Fuz. This is the young gentleman actor, Miss Fuz. Don't insist upon it now, I could mamma, whose benefit we were at last summer, not for tbe world--my fear has taken away all and, while you were busy acting in the greenmy inclinations.
room, I stole out here to try how my voice would Wil. I must run away with you now, Miss sound upon the stage, and finding him here, I Fuz-Indeed, I must.
begged him to teach me a little how to play Miss Fuz. Have you really a post-chaise Juliet. ready!
Lady Fuz. O, very well, my dear! we are Wil
. I have indeed! A post-chaise and four. obliged to the young gentleman, to be sure ! Miss Fuz. A post-chaise and four !--Bless your papa will teach you, child, and play Ro
meo with you; you should not be too free with Wil. Four of the best bays in London, and these actors. [ Aside. I am much obliged to you, my postilions are in blue jackets, with silver sir, for the pains you have taken with my daughshoulder-knots.
ter-we are very sensible of your politeness, and Miss Fuz. With silver shoulder-knots! nay, you may bring us some tickets, when your benethen there is no resisting--and yet
fit time comes. Wil. Nay, quickly, quickly determine, my Wil. I am greatly honoured by your ladyship, dear Miss Fuz!
and will go through all the scenes of Romeo and Miss Fuz. I will determine, then; I will sit Juliet with miss, whenever she pleases. by my papa at the rehearsal, and when he is
Lady Fuz. O, no, young man! her. papa is a asleep, which he will be in ten minutes, and my very fine actor, and a great critic; and he will manima will be deaf, dumb, and blind to to every have nobody teach her these things but himself thing but Mr. Glib's wit-I'll steal out of the -Thank the gentleman, child! (She curtsies.) box from them, and you shall run away with me Why did not you stay to hear your papa and as fast as you can, wherever your four bays and me? Go, go, my dear, and I'll follow you! (Erit silver shoulder-knots please to take me. Miss.] Upon my word, a likely young man !
Wil. Upon my knees, I thank you, and thus I your servant, sir! and very likely to turn a young take an earnest of my happinesss. [Kisses her woman's head; were it not for setting my daughhand.] Zounds! here's your mamma, miss ter a bad example, I should like to go over somne don't be alarmed-Lady! by yonder blessed scenes of Juliet with him myself. moon, I vor!
[Erit, looking at him,
SCENE I.-The Stage.
Sir Toby. I shall be very critical, Mr. AuEnter GLIB, Sir Toby, LADY and Miss Fuz,
thor. PATENT, &c.
Lady Fuz. Pray, are we to have a prologue,
Mr. Glib? We positively must have a proGlib. What, we have lost Sir Macaroni ! no logue! great matter, for he was half asleep all the time Glib. Most certainly ! entre nous—I have dehe was here—very little better than caput mor-sired the manager to write me one—which has tuurn-Now, ladies, and gentlemen of the jury, so flattered him, that I shall be able to do any take your places-Hiss and clap, condenin or thing with him. (Aside to Lady Fuz.) I know applaud me, as your taste directs you, and Apollo, them all from the patentees, down to the waitand the Nine send me a good deliverance ! ing fellows in green coats
Ludy Fuz. We'll go into the front boxes Sir Toby. You are very happy in your ac-
would shew me round to the boxes -Who's Miss Fan. I never was happier in all my there!