1st Wom. Between you and I Betty, and our two brooms, the house-keeper is grown little purse-proud; he thinks himself a great actor forsooth, since he played the Scotch fellow, and the fat cook in Queen Mab. 2d Wom. The quality spoils him too: why, woman, he talks to them for all the world as if he was a lord! as he pleases, with all the proper scenes dresses, machinery, and music; so, what signifies all our prating? Saun. Very little, as you say—but damn all these new vagaries, that put us all upon our heads topsy versy!-my men have sat up all night, and I have finished every thing but the Dancing Cows. 1st Wom. I shall certainly resign, as the great folks call it in the newspaper, if they won't pro-pends most upon his cows! mise to give me the first dresser's place that falls, and make our little Tommy a page; what, woman! though we are well paid for our work, we ought to make sure of something when our brooms are taken from us-'tis the fashion, Betty. Hop. Bless my heart, man, the author de 2d Wom. Right, right, Mrs, Besom; service is no inheritance, and to be always doing dirty work, and to have no prospect to rest, and clean ourselves, is the curse only of us poor folks. 1st Wom. You and I will drink a dish of tea together in comfort this afternoon, and talk over these and other matters-but mum-here's the prompter. [They sing, and sweep again. Saun, Here! here!-Zooks, what a bawling you make! do keep your breath for your prompting, Master Hopkins, and send it not after me at this rate-I'm not deaf! Hop. But your men are, and asleep too, I believe; I can't get a soul of them near me; 'tis ten o'clock, [Looking at his watch.] and not a scene prepared for the rehearsal; 'tis I shall be blamed, and not you. Saun. Blamed for what! 'Tis but a rehearsal, and of one act only-would you have us to finish our work, before the poet has done his? Don't you know, that carpenters are always the last in the house? and yet you want us to get out of it, before the author has covered in! Hop. You may be as witty as you please; but the managers will do as they please, and they have promised the author to rehearse the first act of his Burletta of Orpheus this morning, Saun. His cows! how came they to be his? they are my cows ;-these poets are pretty fellows, faith! they say, I'll have a flying devil, or a dancing bear, or any such conundrum; why, 'tis easily said, but who is to make them fly, and dance? ha, Master Prompter? Why, poor Pill Garlic-the audience applauds, the author is conceited; but the capenter is never thought of. Hop. These are bold truths, Mr. Saunders. Saun. Why, then, out with them, I say-great men spin the brains of the little ones, and take the credit of them. Do you know how I was served in our dramatic romance of Cymon? Hop. You did your business well there, particularly in the last scene. Saun. And what was the consequence? One fine gentleman in the boxes said, my master brought it from Italy-No, damn it, (says another, taking snuff) I saw the very same thing at Paris;' when you all know here, behind the scenes, that the whole design came from this head; and the execution from these hands-but nothing can be done by an Englishman now a days; and so your servant, Mr. Hopkins. [Going. ordered me to discharge the man at the lightn- Hop. The deuce! he must be discharged di- sir. Enter PATENT. Pat. Make haste with your scenes, Saunders; so, clear the stage, Mr. Hopkins, and let us go to business. Is the extraordinary author of this very extraordinary performance come yet! Hop. Not yet, sir, but we shall be soon ready for him. 'Tis a very extraordinary thing indeed, to rehearse only one act of a performance, and with dresses and decorations, as if it were really before an audience. Pat. It is a novelty, indecd, and a little expensive too, but we could not withstand the solicitations, that were made to us; we shan't often repeat the same experiment. Hop. I hope not, sir; 'tis a very troublesome one, and the performers murmur greatly at it. Pat. I do, sir-But, pray, Mr. Glib, why did not you complete your burletta-'tis very new with us to rehearse but one act only? Pat. When do the performers not murmur, | deed of any body else; a very tolerable one of Mr. Hopkins? Has any morning passed in your himself and so I believe he'll come-You untime without some grievance or another? derstand me-ha, ha, ha! Hop. I have half a dozen now in my pocket for you. [Feeling in his pocket for papers. Pat. O, pray, let's have them! my old breakfast-[Prompter gives them.]-And the old story -Actresses quarrelling about parts; there's not one of them but thinks herself young enough for any part; and not a young one but thinks herself capable of any part! But their betters quarrel about what they are not fit for; so our ladies have, at least, great precedents for their folly. Hop. The young fellow from Edinburgh won't accept of the second lord; he desires to have the first. Pat. I don't doubt it--Well, well, if the author can make him speak English, I have no objection. Hop. Mr. Rantly is indisposed, and can't play to-morrow. Pat. Well, well, let his lungs rest a little; they want it, I'm sure. What a campaign shall we make of it! all our subalterns will be general officers; and our generals will only fight when they please. Glib. [Without.] O he's upon the stage, is he? I'll go to him Pat. Here comes the author; do you prepare the people for the rehearsal; desire them to be as careful, as if they were to perform before an audience. Hop. I will, sir-Pray let us know when we must begin. [Exit. Enter GLIB. Glib. Dear Mr. Patent, am not I too late? Do make me happy at once; I have been upon the rack this half hour-But the ladies, Mr. Patent, the ladies Pat. But where are the ladies, sir? Glib. They'll be here in the drinking of a cup of tea; I left them all at breakfast; Lady Fuz can't stir from home without some refreshment. Sir Macaroni Virtu was not come, when I left them; he generally sits up all night, and if he gets up before two o'clock, he only walks in his sleep all the rest of the day-He is perhaps the most accomplished connoisseur in the three kingdoms; yet he is never properly awake till other people go to bed! however, if he should come, our little performance, I believe, will rouse him, ha, ha, ha! you understand me! A pinch of cephalic only. Pat. I have the honour of knowing him a little-Will Sir Macaroni be here? Glib. Why, he promised, but he's too polite to be punctual-You understand me? ha, ha, ha!-however, I am pretty sure we shall see him-I have a secret for you-not a soul must know it he has composed two of the songs in my burletta-An admirable musician, but particular-He has no great opinion of me, nor in Glib. By a sample, Mr. Patent, you may know the piece: if you approve, you shall never want novelty; I am a very spider at spinning my own brains, ha, ha, ha! always at it, spin, spin, spin-you understand me? Pat. Extremely well-In your second act, I suppose, you intend to bring Orpheus into hell? Glib. O yes, I make him play the devil there; I send him for some better purpose than to fetch his wife, ha, ha, ha! Don't mistake me-while he is upon earth, I make him a very good sort of man-He keeps a mistress, indeed, but his wife's dead, you know; and, were she alive, not much harm in that, for I make him a man of fashion-Fashion, you know, is all in all-You understand me? Upon a qualm of conscience, he quits his mistress, and sets out for hell, with a resolution to fetch his wife Pat. Is that, too, like a man of fashion, Mr. Glib? Glib. No, that's the moral part of him-He's a mixed character-but, as he approaches and gets into the infernal regions, his principles melt away by degrees, as it were by the heat of the climate; and finding that his wife, Eurydice, is kept by Pluto, he immediately makes up to Proserpine, and is kept by her; then they all four agrée matters amicably-Change partners, as one may say, make a genteel partie quarrée, and finish the whole with a song and a chorus-and a stinger it is-The subject of the song is, the old proverb, "exchange is no robbery," and the chorus runs thus We care not or know, But this, this is the fashion below. I believe that's true satire, Mr. Patent; strong and poignant; you understand me? a Pat. O very well! 'tis Chian pepper indeed; little will go a great way. Glib. I make Orpheus see, in my hell, all sorts of people, of all degrees, and occupations ; ay, and of both sexes-that's not very unnatural, I believe-there shall be very good company, too, I assure you; high life below stairs, as I call it, ha, ha, ha! you take me-a double edge-no boy's-play-rip and tear-the times require it— fortè, fortissimè Pat. Won't it be too fortè? Take care, Mr. Glib, not to make it so much above proof, that the boxes can't taste it. Take care of empty boxes! Glib. Empty boxes! I'll engage, that my Cerberus alone shall fix the boxes for a month. Pat. Cerberus ! Glib. Be quiet a little. You know, I suppose, that Cerberus is a dog, and has three heads? Pat. I have heard as much. Glib. Then you shall see some sport-He shall be a comical dog, too, I warrant you, ha, ha, ha! Pat. What, is Cerberus a character in your performance? Glib. Capital, capital! I have thrown all my fancy and invention into his mouth, or rather mouths-there are three of them, you know. Pat. Most certainly, if there are three heads. Glib. Poh, that's nothing to what I have in petto for you-Observe me now-when Orpheus comes to the gates of hell, Cerberus stops himbut how, how-now for it-guess———— Pat. Upon my soul, I can't gues. Glib. A trio! I knew I should hit you-a trio, treble, tenor, and bass-and what shall they sing? nothing in the world but, Bow, wow, wow! Orpheus begins O bark not, Cerberus, nor grin- Treble, tenor, and bass-Then Orpheus shall Pat. Very ingenious, and very new-I hope the critics will understand it. Glib. I will make every body understand it, or my name is not Derry-down Glib-When I write, the whole town shall understand me-You understand me? Pat. Not very clearly, sir; but it is no matter -Here's your company. Enter SIR TOBY, LADY FUZ, SIR MACARONI Glib. Ladies and gentlemen, you do me honour; Mr. Patent, Sir Toby, and Miss Fuz, and this, Sir Macaroni Virtu. [All bow and curtsey.] Sir Toby, one of the managers. [Introducing PATENT. Sir Toby. I am one of the manager's most humble and obedient. Glib. I take it as a most particular compliment, Sir Macaroni, that you would attend my trifle at so early an hour. Sir Mac. Why, faith, Glib, without a compliment, I had much rather be in bed than here, or any where else. [Yawns. Lady Fuz. I have a prodigious curiosity to see your play-house by day-light, Mr. Manager: have not you, Sir Macaroni? Sir Mac. O no, my lady, I never have any curiosity to see it at all. [Half asleep. 4 Pat. I will prepare some tea and chocolate in the green-room for the ladies, while the prompter prepares matters for the rehearsal. Lady Fuz. I never breakfast but once a day, Mr. Manager; Sir Toby, indeed, never refuses any thing at any time; he's at it from morning till night. Sir Toby. I love to be social, my dear; besides, trifling with tea, chocolate, macaroons, bisquets, and such things, is never reckoned eating, you know. Glib. You are indefatigably obliging, Mr. Patent. [Exit PATENT. Miss Fuz. Bless me, papa, what a strange place this is! I am sure I should not have known it again I wonder where he is! I wish I could get a peep at him; and yet I am frighted out of my wits. [Aside, and looking about. Sir Toby. Now the manager is gone, one may venture to say, that the play-house is no morning beauty; paint and candle-light are as great friends to the theatres, as to the ladies; they hide many wrinkles-don't they, Mr. Glib? ha, ha, ha! Glib. You have hit it, Sir Toby, and this is the old house, too, ha, ha, ha! [SIR TOBY shews his daughter the scenes. Lady Fuz. [Looking about with a glass.] My dear Sir Toby, you, you may be as sarcastical as you please; but I protest, a play-house is a prodigious odd sort of a thing, now there is nobody in it-is it not, Sir Macaroni? Sir Mac. O yes, and a prodigious odd sort of a thing, when 'tis full too-I abominate a playhouse; my ingenious countrymen have no taste now for the high seasoned comedies; and I am sure that I have none for the pap and loplolly of our present writers. Glib. Bravo, Sir Macaroni! I would not give a pin for a play, no more than a partridge, that has not the fumet. Sir Mac. Not amiss, faith! ha, ha, ha! Lady Fus. Don't let us lose time, Mr. Glib; if they are not ready for the rehearsal, suppose the manager entertains us with thunder and lightning, and let us see his traps, and his whims, and harlequin pantomimes. Sir Toby. And a shower of rain, or an eclipse; and I must beg one peep at the Patagonians. Miss Fuz. Pray, Mr. Glib, let us have some thunder and lightning. Glib. Your commands shall be obeyed, Miss; Sir Mac. A play-house in England is to me as dull as a church, and fit only to sleep in. Lady Fuz. Sir Toby thinks so, too—~~ -I'll tell you what happened the last time we were there. Miss Fuz. Ay, do, my dear lady, tell what happened to papa; 'twas very droll. Sir Toby. Fie, fie, Fanny y!- my lady, you should not tell tales out of school. Twas an accident. Sir Toby. You'll not die with tenderness, I believe; for I got a lump upon my head as big as an egg, and have not been free from the headach ever since. Miss Fuz. I shall never forget what a flump my papa came down with-Ha, ha, ha! Sir Mac. The tenderness runs in the family, Sir Toby. Lady Fuz. Pray don't you adore Shakspeare, Sir Mac? Sir Mac. Shakspeare! [Yawning. Lady Fuz. Sir Toby and I are absolute worshippers of him— -we very often act some of his best tragedy scenes to divert ourselves. Sir Mac. And it must be very diverting, I dare swear. Sir Toby. What, more family secrets! for shame, Lady Fuz Lady Fuz. You need not be ashamed of your talents, my dear--I will venture to say you are the best Romeo, that ever appeared. Sir Toby. Pooh, pooh! Sir Mac. I have not the least doubt of Sir Toby's genius-But don't your ladyship think he rather carries too much flesh for the loverDoes your ladyship incline to tragedy, too? Lady Fuz. I have my feelings, sir-and, if Sir Toby will favour you with two or three speeches, I will stand up for Juliet. Sir Toby. I vow, Lady Fuz, you distress me beyond measure-I never have any voice till the evening. Miss Fuz. Never mind being a little husky, papa! do tear your wig, throw yourself upon the ground, and poison yourself. Sir Muc. This is a glorious scene, faith![Aside.] Sir Toby looks as if he were susceptible of the tender passions. Lady Fuz. Too much so, indeed; he is too amiable not to be a little faithless-he has been a great libertine-have not you, Sir Toby? have you not wronged me? Come, give me a pinch of your snuff [Takes snuff out of his bor. Sir Toby. Forget and forgive, my dear--if my constitution erred, my affections never did have told you so a thousand times. Sir Mac. A wonderful couple, upon my I soul! [Aside. Enter GLIB. Glib. Ladies, you can't possibly have any thunder and lightning this morning; one of the planks of the thunder-trunks started the other night, and had not Jupiter stepped aside to drink a pot of porter, he had been knocked in the head with his own thunder-bolt. Lady Fuz. Well, let us go into the greenroom, then, and see the actors and actresses-Is Clive there? I should be glad of all things to see that woman off the stage. Glib. She never attends here, but when she is wanted. Lady Fuz. Bless me! If I was an actress, I should never be a moment out of the playhouse. Sir Mac. And, if I had my will, I would never be a moment in it. Lady Fuz. I wish I could have seen Clive! I think her a droll creature-nobody has half so good an opinion of her as I have. [Exit LADY Fuz. Miss Fuz. For my part, I had rather have had a little thunder and lightning, than all the tea and chocolate in the world. [Going.] I wonder I don't see him. [Aside. [Exit Miss Fuz. Sir Mac. What a set of people am I with!what a place I am in, and what an entertainment am I to go through! But I can't go through it so, I'll e'en get into my chair again, and escape from these Hottentots-1 wish with all my soul, that Sir Toby, my lady, and miss, the author and his piece, the managers, their playhouse and their performers, were all at the bottom of the Thames, and that I were fast asleep in my bed again. me. Enter WILSON. [Exit. Wil. [Peeping.] I durst not discover myself, though I saw her dear eyes looking about for If I could see her for a moment now, as the stage is clear, and nobody to overlook us, who knows but I might kindle up her spirit this moment to run away with me---Hah! What noise is that? There she is! Miss Fanny, Miss Fanny! here I am-By Heavens, she comes Enter Miss Fuz. Miss Fuz. O dear, how I flutter! I can't stay long-my papa and mamma were going to rehearse Romeo and Juliet, or I could not have stole out now. Wil. Let you and I act those parts in earnest, miss, and fly to Lawrence's cell-Love has given us the opportunity, and we shall forfeit his protection, if we don't make the best use of it. Miss Fuz. Indeed, I can't go away with you now-I will find a better opportunity soonperhaps, to-morrow- -Let me return to the green-room; if we are seen together, we shall be separated for ever. Wil. To prevent that, let me lead you a private way through the house to a post-chaisewe shall be out of reach before Sir Toby and my lady have gone half through Romeo and Juliet. Miss Fuz. Don't insist upon it now-I could not for the world-my fear has taken away all my inclinations. Wil. I must run away with you now, Miss Fuz-Indeed, I must. Miss Fuz. Have you really a post-chaise ready! Wil. I have indeed! A post-chaise and four. Miss Fuz. A post-chaise and four!-Bless me! Wil. Four of the best bays in London, and my postilions are in blue jackets, with silver shoulder-knots. nay, Miss Fuz. With silver shoulder-knots! then there is no resisting—and yet— Wil. Nay, quickly, quickly determine, my dear Miss Fuz! Miss Fuz. I will determine, then; I will sit by my papa at the rehearsal, and when he is asleep, which he will be in ten minutes, and my mamma will be deaf, dumb, and blind to to every thing but Mr. Glib's wit-I'll steal out of the box from them, and you shall run away with me as fast as you can, wherever your four bays and silver shoulder-knots please to take me. Wil. Upon my knees, I thank you, and thus I take an earnest of my happinesss. [Kisses her hand.] Zounds! here's your mamma, missdon't be alarmed-Lady! by yonder blessed moon, I vow ! Miss Fuz. Oh, swear not by the moon, the inconstant moon! Lady Fux. [Approaching.] Let us have no sun, moon, and stars now-- -What are you about, my dear? Who is this young gentleman you are so free with? Miss Fuz. This is the young gentleman actor, mamma, whose benefit we were at last summer, and, while you were busy acting in the greenroom, I stole out here to try how my voice would sound upon the stage, and finding him here, I begged him to teach me a little how to play Juliet. Lady Fuz. O, very well, my dear! we are obliged to the young gentleman, to be sure! your papa will teach you, child, and play Romeo with you; you should not be too free with these actors. [Åside.] I am much obliged to you, sir, for the pains you have taken with my daughter-we are very sensible of your politeness, and you may bring us some tickets, when your benefit time comes. Wil. I am greatly honoured by your ladyship, and will go through all the scenes of Romeo and Juliet with miss, whenever she pleases. Lady Fuz. O, no, young man! her papa is a very fine actor, and a great critic; and he will have nobody teach her these things but himself -Thank the gentleman, child! [She curtsies.] Why did not you stay to hear your papa and me? Go, go, my dear, and I'll follow you! [Exit Miss.] Upon my word, a likely young man! your servant, sir! and very likely to turn a young woman's head; were it not for setting my daughter a bad example, I should like to go over some scenes of Juliet with him myself. [Exit, looking at him. ACT II. SCENE I.-The Stage. Enter GLIB, SIR TOBY, LADY and Miss Fuz, PATENT, &c. Glib. What, we have lost Sir Macaroni! no great matter, for he was half asleep all the time he was here very little better than caput mortuum-Now, ladies, and gentlemen of the jury, take your places-Hiss and clap, condemn or applaud me, as your taste directs you, and Apollo, and the Nine send me a good deliverance! Lady Fuz. We'll go into the front boxesWhat is the matter with you, Fanny? You had rather be at your inconstant moon, than hear Mr. Glib's wit. Miss Fan. I never was happier in all my life, mamma. [Sighs.] What will become of me? [Aside. Sir Toby. I shall be very critical, Mr. Author. Lady Fuz. Pray, are we to have a prologue, Mr. Glib? We positively must have a prologue! Glib. Most certainly! entre nous-I have desired the manager to write me one-which has so flattered him, that I shall be able to do any thing with him. [Aside to LADY Fuz.] I know them all from the patentees, down to the waiting fellows in green coats Sir Toby. You are very happy in your acquaintance, sir. Lady Fux. I wish some of the stage folks would shew me round to the boxes-Who's there! |