Wid. We shan't stand for trifles-And you | were born and christened by the name of Thomas? Whit. So they told me, sir. Wid. Then they told no lies, fait! so far, so good.-[Takes out a letter.]-Do you know that hand-writing? Whit. As well as I know this good friend of mine, who helps me upon such occasions. [Showing his right hand, and smiling. Wid. You had better not show your teeth, sir, till we come to the jokes the hand-writing is yours? Whit. Yes, sir, it is mine. [Sighs. Wid. Death and powder! What do you sigh for? are you ashamed or sorry for your handywork? Whit. Partly one, partly t'other. Wid. Will you be plased, sir, to rade it aloud, that you may know it again when you hare it? Wid. I will not prefer your happiness to the indulgence of my passions- Mr. Whittol; rade on. Whit.Postscript: let me have your pity, but not your anger? Wid. In answer to this love epistle, you pitiful fellow, my sister presents you with her tinderest wishes: and assures you, that you have, as you desire, her pity, and she generously throws her contempt, too, into the bargain. Whit. I'm infinitely obliged to her. Wid. I must beg lave, in the name of all our family, to present the same to you. Whit. I am ditto to all the family. Wid. But as a brache of promise to any of our family was never suffered without a brache into somebody's body, I have fixed upon myself to be your operator; and I believe that you will find that I have as fine a hand at this work, and will give you as little pain, as any in the three kingdoms. [Sits down and loosens her knee bands. Whit. For Heaven's sake, captain, what are you about? Wid. I always lousens my garters for the advantage of lunging: it is for your sake as well as my own; for I will be twice through your body before you shall feel me once. Whit. What a bloody fellow it is! I wish Thomas would come in. Wid. Come, sir, prepare yourself; you are not the first, by half a score, that I have run through and through the heart, before they knew what was the matter with them. Whit. But, captain, suppose I will marry your sister? Wid. I have not the laste objection, if you recover of your wounds, Callagon O'Connor lives very happy with my great aunt, Mrs. Deborah O'Nale, in the county of Galway; except a small asthma he got by my running him through the lungs at the Curragh: He would have forsaken her, if I had not stopped his perfidy, by a famous family styptic I have here. O ho! my little old boy, but you shall get it. [Draws. Whit. What shall I do?-Well, sir, if I Whit. I must confess, that I am unworthy must, I must: I'll meet you to-morrow morning of your charms and virtuesin Hyde-Park, let the consequence be what it will. Wid. Very unworthy, indeed. Rade on, sir. Wid. For fear you might forget that favour, I must beg to be indulged with a little pushing now. I have set my heart upon it; and two birds in hand, is worth one in the bushes, Mr. Whittol-Come, sir. Whit. But I have not settled my matters. Wid. O we'll settle them in a trice, I warrant you. [Puts herself in a position, Whit. But I don't understand the sword; I had rather fight with pistols. Wid. I am very happy it is in my power to oblige you. There, sir, take your choice: I will plase you if I can. [Offers pistols. Whit. Out of the pan into the fire! there's no putting him off. If I had chosen poison, I dare swear he had arsenic in his pocket. Look ye; young gentleman, I am an old man, and you'll get no credit by killing me; but I have a nephew as young as yourself, and you'll get more honour in facing him. Wid. Ay, and more pleasure too- -I expect ample satisfaction from him, after I have done your business. Prepare, sir! Whit. What the devil! won't one serve your turn? I can't fight, and I won't fight: I'll do any thing rather than fight. I'll marry your sister. My nephew shall marry her: I'll give him all my fortune. What would the fellow have? Here, Nephew! Thomas! murder, murder! [He flies, and she pursues. Enter BATES and NEPHEW. Neph. What's the matter, uncle? Whit. Murder, that's all; That ruffian there would kill me, and eat me afterwards. Neph. I'll fine a way to cool him! Come out, sir, I am as mad as yourself. I'll match you, I warrant you. [Going out with him. Wid. I'll follow you all the world over. [Going after him. Whit. Stay, stay, nephew: you shan't fight: We shall be exposed all over the town; and you may lose your life, and I shall be cursed from morning to night. Do, nephew, make yourself and me happy; be the olive-branch, and bring peace into my family. Return to the widow. I will give you my consent, and your fortune, and a fortune for the widow! five thousand pounds! Do persuade him, Mr. Bates. Bates. Do sir; this is a very critical point of your life. I know you love her; 'tis the only method to restore us all to our senses. Neph. I must talk in private first with this hot young gentleman. Wid. As private as you plase, sir. Whit. Take their weapons away, Mr. Bates: and do you follow me to my study to witness my proposal: It is all ready, and only wants signing. Come along, come along! [Exit. Bates. Victoria, victoria! give me your swords and pistols: And now do your worst, you spirited, loving, young couple; I could leap out of my skin! [Exit. Tho. [Peeing in.] Joy, joy to you, ye fond, charming pair! the fox is caught, and the young lambs may skip and play. I leave you to your transports! [Erit. Neph. O my charming widow, what a day have we gone through! as Wid. I would go through ten times much to deceive an old amorous spark like your uncle, to purchase a young one like his nephew. Neph. I listened at the door all this last scene; my heart was agitated with ten thousand fears. Suppose my uncle had been stout, and drawn his sword? Wid. I should have run away as he did. When two cowards meet, the struggle is, who shall run first; and sure I can beat an old man at any thing. Neph. Permit me thus to seal my happiness; [Kisses her hand.] and be assured, that I am as sensible as I think myself undeserving of it. Wid. I'll tell you what, sir; were I not sure you deserved some pains, I would not have taken any pains for you: And don't imagine now, because I have gone a little too far for the man I love, that I shall go a little too far when I'm your wife. Indeed I shan't: I have done more than I should before I am your wife, because I was in despair; but I won't do as much as I may when I am your wife, though every Irish woman is fond of imitating English fashions. Neph. Thou divine adorable woman! Enter WHITTLE and BATES. Bates. Confusion! [Aside. Whit. [Turning to BATES.] Hey-day! I am afraid his head is not right yet! he was kneeling, and kissing the captain's hand. [Aside to BATES. Bates. Take no notice; all will come about. [Aside to WHITILE. kissing better than fighting: he swears I am as Wid. I find, Mr. Whittol, your family loves like my sister as two pigeons. I could excuse his raptures, for I would rather fight the best friend I have, than slobber and salute him à la Françoise. Enter SIR PATRICK O'NEALE. Sir Pat. I hope, Mr. Whizzle, you'll excuse my coming back to give you an answer, without having any to give. I hear a grate dale of news about myself, and came to know if it be true. They say my son is in London, when he tells me himself by letter here, that he's at Limerick; and I have been with my daughter to tell her the news, but she would not stay at home to receive it, so I am come-0 gra ma chree, my little din ousil craw, what have we got here? a piece of mummery! Here is my son and daughter too, fait! What, are you wearing the breeches, Pat, to see how they become you when you are Mrs. Weezel? Wid. I beg your pardon for that, sir! I wear them before marriage, because I think they become a woman better than after. Whit. What, is not this your son? [Astonished. Sir Pat. No, but it is my daughter, and that's the same thing. Wid. And your niece, sir, which is better than either. Whit. Mighty well! and I suppose you have not lost your wits, young man! Neph. I sympathize with you, sir r; we lost them together, and found them at the same | if you won't trouble me with your afflictions, I shall sincerely rejoice at your felicity. time. Whit. Here's villainy! Mr. Bates, give me the paper. Not a farthing shall they have, till the law gives it them. Bates. We'll cheat the law, and give it them [Gives NEPHEW the paper. Whit, He may take his own, but he shan't have a sixpence of the five thousand pounds I promised him. Bates. Witness, good folks, he owns to the promise. Sir Pat. Fait! I'll witness dat, or any thing else in a good cause. Whit. What! am I choused again? Bates. Why should not my friend be choused out of a little justice for the first time? Your hard usage has sharpened your nephew's wits; therefore beware, don't play with edge-tools —you'll only cut your fingers. Sir Pat. And your trote, too: which is all one: Therefore, to make all azy, marry my daughter first, and then quarrel with her afterwards; that will be in the natural course of things. Whit. Here, Thomas! where are you? Enter THOMAS. Whit. Here are fine doings! I am deceived, tricked, and cheated! Tho. I wish you joy, sir; the best thing could have happened to you; and, as a faithful servant, I have done my best to check you. Whit. To check me! Tho. You were galloping full speed, and down hill, too! and, if we had not laid hold of the bridle, being a bad jockey, you would have hung by your horns in the stirrup, to the great joy of the whole town. Whit. What, have you helped to trick me? Tho. Into happiness. You have been foolish a long while, turn about, and be wise. He has got the woman and his estate. Give them your blessing, which is not worth much, and live like a Christian for the future. Whit. I will if I can: But I can't look at I can't bear the sound of my voice, nor them; the sight of my own face. Look ye, I am distressed and distracted! and can't come to yet! I will be reconciled, if possible: but don't let me see or hear from you, if you would have me forget and forgive you-I shall never lift up my head again! Wid. I hope, Sir Patrick, that my preferring the nephew to the uncle will meet with your approbation; Though we have not so much money, we shall bave more love; one mind, and half a purse in marriage, are much better than two minds and two purses. I did not come to England, nor keep good company, till it was too late to get rid of my country prejudices. Sir Pat. You are out of my hands, Pat; so, Neph. It would be a great abatement of my present joy, could I believe that this lady should be assisted in her happiness, or be supported in her afflictions, by any one but her lover and husband. Sir Pat. Fine notions are fine tings, but a fine estate gives every ting but ideas; and them too, if you will appale to those who help you to spend it-What say you, widow? Wid. By your and their permission, I will tell my mind to this good company; and for fear my words should want ideas too, I will add an Irish tune, that may carry off a bad voice and bad matter. SONG. A widow bewitched with her passion, Struck the Cush la maw cree, Ye fair ones I hope will excuse me ; To all that I see here before me, The bottom, the top, and the middle ; For music we now must implore you, No wedding, without pipe and fiddle. My heart in my bosom is prancing! If your hands should unite, To give us delight, O that's the best piping and dancing! [Exeunt omnes. myself yesterday morning in a hackney coach, with a minx in a pink cardinal; you shall absolutely burn yours, Tittup, for I shall never bear to see one of that colour again. Miss Tit. Sure she does suspect me. [Aside.] And where was your ladyship, pray, when you saw him? Lady Min. Taking the air with Colonel Tivy in his vis à vis. Miss Tit. But, my dear Lady Minikin, how can you be so angry, that my lord was hurting your pride, as you call it, in the hackney-coach, when you had him so much in your power, in the vis à vis ? |