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and then, you ask so many questions, and I have you are so furious, I must come to terms, I think so many things to do, that—that—upon my --Keep your eyes upon me at the ball-I think word, if I don't make haste, I shan't get my dress I may expect that and when I drop my handready for the ball; so I must run You'll ex-kerchiet, 'tis your signal for pursuing; I shall cuse me, uncle !
[Erit running. get home as fast as I can, you inay follow me as Sir John. A fine hopeful young lady that, my tast as you can; my lord and Tittup will be lord ?
otherwise employed : Gymp will let us in the Lord Min. She's well bred, and has wit. back way–No, no, my heart misgives me!
Sir John. She has wit and breeding enough to Col. Tidy. Then I am miserable! laugh at her relations, and bestow favours on Lady Min. Nay, rather than you should be your lordship! but I must tell you plainly, my miserable, colonel, I will indulge your martial lord-you'll" excuse me—that your marrying spirit; meet me in the field; there's my gauntyour lady, my cousin, to use her ill, and send-/ let.
[Throws down her glove. ing for my niece, your cousin, to debauch her Col. Tivy. (Seizing it.] Thus I accept your
Lord Álin. You're warm, Sir John, and don't sweet challenge; and, if I fail you, may I, hereknow the world, and I never contend with igno- after, both in love and war, be branded with the rance and passion ; live with me some time, and naine of coward! [Kneels and kisses her hand, you'll be satisfied of my honour and good intentions to you and your family. In the mean time, Enter Sir John, opening the door. command my house; I must away immediately to lady Filligree's—and I am sorry you won't
Sir John. May I presume, cousinmake one with us.—Here, Jessamy, give me my
Lady Min. Ha!
(Squalls. domino, and call a chair; and don't let my un
Sir John. Mercy upon us, what are we at now! cle want for any thing-You'll excuse me, Sir
(Looks astonished. John; tol, lol, de rol, &c. [Erit singing.
Ludy Min. How can you be so rude, Sir John, Sir John. The world's at an end !-here's to come into a lady's room without first knock fine work! here are precious doings !
This ing at the door? you have frightened ine out of lord is a pillar of state, too! no wonder that my wits! the building is in danger with such rotten sup
Sir John. I am sure you have frightened me
out of mine! porters !-heigh ho!-And then my poor lady Minikin, what a friend and husband she is bless
Col. Tivy. Such rudenes deserves death! ed with ! let me consider!--Should I tell the
Sir John. Death, indeed! for I never shall regood woman of these pranks? I may only make cover myself again--All pigs of the same sty! more mischief, and, mayhap, go near to kill her; all studying for the good of the nation ! for she's as tender as she's virtuous--Poor lady!
Ludy diin. We must sooth him, and not pro
voke him. I'll e'en go and comfort her directly, and en
[Half aside to the Colonel. deavour to draw her from the wickedness of
Col. Tivy. I would cut his throat, if you'd perthis town into the country, where she shall have
[ Aside to LADY MINIKIN. reading, fowling, and fishing, to keep up
Sir John. The devil has got bis hoof in the
her spirits; and when I die, I will leave her that house, and has corrupted the whole family! I'll part of my fortune, with which I intended to re- get out of it as fast as I can, lest he should lay
hold of me too! ward the virtues of Miss Lucretia Tittup, with a
[Going. plague to her!
Lady Min. Sir John, I must insist upon your not going away in a mistake.
Sir John. No mistake, my lady; I am thoSCENE II.-LADY MINIKIN's Apartment.
roughly convinced-Mercy on me!
Ludy Min. Iinust beg you, Sir John, not to LADY MINIKIN and COLONEL Tivy discovered.
any wrong constructions upon this accia
dent! you must know, that the moment you was Lady Min. Don't urge it, colonel! I can't at the door-I had promised the colonel no lonthink of coming home from the masquerade this ger to be his enemy in his designs upon Miss evening. Though I should pass for my niece, it Tictup---this threw him into such a rapturewould make an uproar among the servants; and that, upou my promising my interest with you perhaps, from the mistake, break off your match ---and wishing him joy--- he fell upon
his knees, with Tittup.
and--and--- Laughing)---Ha, ha, ha Col. Tivy. My dear Lady Minikin, you know Col. Tivy. Ila, ha, ha! yes, yes, I fell upon my marriage with your niece is only a secondary my
knees and and consideration; my first and principal object is Sir John. Ay, ay, fell upon your knees, and you—you, madam!-therefore, iny dear lady, and---ha, ha!---A very good joke, faith! and the give me your promise to leave the ball with me. best of it is, that they are wishing joy all over the You must, Lady Minikin; a bold young fellow, house, upon the same occaion !---and my lord is and a soldier as I am, ought not to be kept from wishing joy; and I wish him joy, and you, with plunder, when the town bas capitulated !
all my heart! Lady Min. But it has not capitulated, and, Ludy Min. Upon my word, Sir John, your perhaps, never will; however, colonel, since cruel suspicions affect nie strongly; and, though
my resentment is curbed by my regard, my tears Sir John. Very fine, truly! and so, between cannot be restrained ; 'ris the only resource my the crocodile and the bully, my throat is to be innocence bas left.
[Erit, crying cut! They are guilty of all sorts of iniquity; and, Col. Tivy. I reverence you, sir, as a relation when they are discovered, no humility, no reto that lady; but, as her slanderer, I detest you : pentance! The ladies have recourse to their Her tears inust be dried, and my honour satisfi- tongues or their tears, and the gallants to their ed; you know what I mean; take your choice-swords! That I may not be drawn in by the time, place, sword, or pistol; consider it calmly, one, or drawn upon by the other, I'll hurry into and determine as you please. I am a soldier, the country, while I retain my senses, and can Sir John! [Erit. sleep in a whole skin!
Sir John. Thou art an incomparable coxcomb I am sure,
[Aside. Enter Sir John, and JESSAMY.
Jes. An odd, ridiculous accident happened to
ine at a masquerade three years ago; I was in Sir John. There is no bearing this! what a tip-top-spirits, and had drank a little too freely land are we in! Upon my word, Mr. Jessa.ny, of the champaigne, I believeyou should look well to the house; there are Sir John. You'll be banged, I believe ! [Aside. certainly rogues about it; for I did but cross the Jes. Wit flew about-in short, I was in spirits way just now to the pamphlet shop, to buy a -At last from drinking and rattling, to vary
the Touch of the Times, and they have taken iny pleasure, we went to dancing; and who, do you hanger from my side; ay, and had a pluck at my ihink, I danced a minuet with? He ! he! Pray, watch, too; but I heard of their tricks, and had guess, Sir Joho! it sewed to my pocket.
Sir John. Danced a minuet with! [ Half uside. Jes. Don't be alarmed, Sir John; 'tis a very Jes. My own lady, that's all. The eyes of the common thing; and, if you walk the streets with whole assembly were upon us; my lary dances out convoy, you will be picked up by privateers well, and, I believe, I am pretty tolerable: After of all kinds-Ha, ha !
the dance, I was running into a little coquetry Sir John. Not be alarmed, when I'm robbed! and small talk with her why, they might have cut my throat with my own Sir John. With your lady?---Chaos is come hanger! I shan't sleep a wink all night; so, pray again !
Aside. lend me some weapon of defence; for I am sure, Jes. With my lady—but, upon my turning my if they attack me in the open street, they'll be hand thus—Conceitedly.]—egad! she caught with me at night again.
me; whispered me who I was: I would fain have Jes. I'll lend you my own sword, Sir John: be laughed her out of it; but it would not do—No, assured there's no danger; there's robbing and no, Jessamy, says she, I am not to be deceived : murder cried every night under my window; but pray, wear gloves for the future; for you may as it no more disturbo me, than the ticking of my well go bare-faced, as show that hand and diawatch at my bed's head.
mond ring. Sir John. Well, well, be that as it will, I must Sir John. What a sink of iniquity!- Prostitube upon my guard. What a dreadful place this tion on all sides ! from the lord to the pickpockis; but 'tis all owing to the corruption of the et! [Aside.)--Pray, Mr. Jessamy, among your times; the great folks game, and the poor folks other virtues, I suppose you game a little, eh, Mr. rob: no wonder that murder ensues sad, sad, Jessamy! sad; Well, let me but get over to-night, and I'll Jes. A little whist or so ;—but I am tied up leave this den of thieves to-morrow-How long from the dice; I must never touch a box again. will your lord and lady stay at this masking and Sir John. I wish you was tied up somewhere mummery, before they come home?
else.-[Aside.] I sweat from top to toe! Pray, Jes. Tis impossible to say the tine, sir ; that lend me your sword, Mr. Jessamy; I shall go to merely depends upon the spirits of the company, my room; and let my lord and lady, and my viece and the nature of the entertainment: for my own Tittup, know, tbat I beg they will excuse cerepart, I generally make it myself till four or five monies ; that I must be up, and gone, before they in the morning.
go to bed; that I have a most profound respect Sir John. Why, what the devil, do you make and love for them; and—and—that I hope weshall one at these masqueradings !
never see one another again as long as we live. Jes. I seldom miss, sir; I may venture to say, Jes. I shall certainly obey your commandsthat nobody knows the trim and small talk of the What poor ignorant wretches these country genplace better than I do; I was always reckoned tlemen are !
[Aside, and erit. an incomparavle mask.
Sir John. If I stay in this place another day, it
would throw me into a fever !-Oh !-I wish it to live here all my days—this is life indeed! a was morning !—This comes of visiting my rela- servant ! lives up to his eyes in clover; they tions!
have wages, and board wages, and nothing to Enter Davy, drunk.
do, but to grow fat and saucy—they are as
happy as their masters; they play for ever at So, you wicked wretch you—where have you cards, swear like emperors, drink like fishes, been, and what have you been doing?
and a wenching with as much ease and tranDavy. Merry-making, your honour--London quillity, as if they were going to a sermon! for ever!
Oh, 'tis a fine life!
[Erit, reeling. Sir John. Did I not order you to come direct-SCENE IV.-A chamber in Lord MINIKIN'S ly from the play, and not be idling and raking
house. about? Dary. Servauts don't do what they are bid, in
Enter LORD MINIKIN and Miss Tittup in London.
masquerade dresses, lighted by Jessamy. Sir John. And did I not order you not to
Lord Mlin. Set down the candles, Jessamy; make a jackanapes of yourself, and tie your hair and should your lady come home, let me know up like a monkey?
-be sure you are not out of the way. Dary. And therefore I did it.-No pleasing Jes. I have lived too long with your lordship the ladies without this—My lord's servants call to need the caution—who the devil have we got you an old out-of-fasbioned codger, and have now? but that's my lord's business, and not taught me what's what.
[Exit. Sir John. Ilere's an imp of the devil! he is Miss Tit. (Pulling off her mask.] Upon my ucdone, and will poison the whole country Sword, my lord, this coming home so soon from Sirrah, get every thing ready; I'll be going di- the masquerade is very imprudent, and will rectly.
certainly be observed - I am most inconceivaDavy. To bed, sir? I want to go to bed my- bly frightened, I can assure you--my uncle self, sir.
Trotley has a light in his room ; the accident Sir John. Why, how now you are drunk, too, this morning will certainly keep him upon the sirrah !
watch-pray, my lord, let us defer our meetDavy. I am a little your honour; because Iings till he goes into the country-I find that have been drinking.
my English heart, though it has ventured so Sir John That is not all--but you have been far, grows fearful, and awkward to practise the in bad company, sirrah!
treedoms of warmer climes-[My lord takes Dady. Indeed, your honour's mistaken, I her by the hand.]—If you will not desist, my never kept such good company in all my life. lord--we are separated for ever. The sight of
Sir John. The fellow does not understand me the precipice turns my head; I have been giddy -Where have you been, you drunkard? with it too long, and must turn from it while I
Davy. Drinking, to be sure, if I am a drunk can-pray be quiet, my lord ! I will meet you ard; and, if you had been drinking, too, as I to-morrow. have been, you would not be in such a passion Lord Min. To-morrow! 'tis an age in my with a body-it makes one so good-natured. situation let the weak, bashful, coyish whiner,
Sir John. There is another addition to my be intimidated with these faint alarms, but let misfortunes! I shall have this fellow carry into the bold, experienced lover kindle at the danthe country as many vices as will corrupt the ger, and, like the eagle, in the midst of storms, whole parish!
thus pounce upon bis prey. (Takes hold of her. Davy. I'll take what I can, to be sure, your Miss Tit, Dear Mr. Eagle, be merciful? pray worship.
let the poor pigeon fly for this once. Sir John. Get away, you beast you! and Lord Min. If I do, my dove, may I be cursed sleep off the debauchery you have contracted to have my wife as fond of me, as I am now of this fortnight, or I shall leave you behind, as a thee.
[Offers to kiss her. proper person to make one of his lordship’s Jes. [Without, knocking at the door.] My family.
lord, my lord!
I come with another.
[Struts about. in? Sir John. Here's a reprobate !--this is the Lord Min. Damn the fellow! What's the completion of my misery! but hark’ee, villain! matter? go to bed--and sleep off your iniquity, and then Jes. Nay, not much, my lord-only my lady's pack up the things, or I'll pack you off to come home. Newgate, and transport you for life, you rascal Miss Tit. Then I'm undone-what shall I do? you!
[Exit. I'll run into my own room! Davy. That for you old codger! [Snaps his Lord Min. Then she may meet youfingers.] I know the law better than to be Jes. There's a dark, deep closet, my lord ; frightened with moon-shine. I wish that I was I miss may hide herself there.
Miss Tit. For Heaven's sake, put me into it,
Enter LORD MINIKIN, and when her ladyship's safe, let me know, my lord.What an escape have I had !
Lord Min. What, is your ladyship so soon reLord Min. The moment her evil spirit is laid, turned from Lady Fillagree's ? I'll let my angel out-[Puts her into the closet.] Lady Min. I am sure, my lord, I ought to be -lock the door on the inside-Come softly to more surprised at your being here so soon, when my room, Jessamy
I saw you so well entertained in a tete-a-tete Jes. If a board creaks, your lordship shall with a lady in crimson—such sights, my lord, never give me a laced waistcoat again. will always drive me from my most favourite
[Excunt on tiptoes. amusements. Enter Gymp, lighting in LADY MINIKIN and whoever she was, could not engage me to stay,
Lord Min. You find, at least, that the lady, Colonel Tivy, in masquerade dresses.
when I found your ladyship had left the hall. Gymp. Pray, my lady, go no farther with the Lady Min. Your lordship's speering upon niy colonel; I know you mean nothing but inno- unhappy temper may be a proof of your wit
, cence, but I'm sure there will be bloodshed, for but it is none of your humanity; and this bemy lord is certainly in the house—I'll take my haviour is as great an insult upon me, as even affadavy that I heard
your falseliood itself. [Pretends to weep: Col. Tivy. It can't be, I tell you; we left him Lord Min. Nay, my dear lady Minikin, if this moment at the masquerade ? I spoke to lim you are resolved to play tragedy, I shall roar before I came out.
away too, and pull out my cambric handkerLady Min. He's too busy, and too well em-chief. ployed to think of home—but don't tremble so, Lady Min. I think, my lord, we had better Gymp. There is no harm, I assure you—the retire to our apartments; my weakness and your colonel is to marry my niece, and it is proper to brutality will only expose us to our servants settle some matters relating to it--they are left Where is Tittup, pray? to us.
Lord Min. I left her with the colonelGymp. Yes, yes, madam, to be sure it is pro- masquerade to young folks, upon the point of per, that you talk together-I know you mean matrimony, is as delightful as it is disgusting to nothing but innocence—but, indeed, there will those who are happily married, and are wise be bloodshed.
enough to love home, and the company of their Col. Tivy. The girl's a fool! I have no sword wives.
[Takes hold of her hand. by my side
Lady Min. False inan! I had as leave a toad Gymp. But my lord has, and you may kill one touched me.
(Aside. another with thalI know you mean nothing Lord, Min. She gives me the frisson-I must but innocence, for I certainly heard him go up propose to stay, or I shall never get rid of her. the back stairs into his room, talking with Jes- [ Aside.)-I am aguish to-night-he-he--do, somy.
my dear, let us make a little fire here, and have Lady Min. 'Tis impossible but the girl must a family tete-u-tete, by way of novelty. have fancied this-Can't you ask Whisp, or Mignon, if their master is come in?
Enter JESSAMY. Gymp. Lord, my lady, they are always drunk before this, and asleep in the kitchen. Let them take away that chimney-board, and
Lady Min. This frightened fool has made me light a fire here immediately. as ridiculous as herself! hark !--Colonel, I'll Lady Min. What shall I do? [ Aside, and swear there is something upon the stairs--now greatly alarmed.] --Here Jessaniy, there is no I ain in the field, I find I am a coward.
occasion; I am going to my own chamber, and Gyup. There will certainly be bloodshed ! my lord won't stay here by himself. Col. Tivy. I'll slip down with Gymp this back
Lord Min. How cruel it is, Lady Minikin, to Gymp. O dear, my lady, there is soinething deprive me of the pleasure of a domestic duet to coming up them too!
-A good escape, faith! Col. Tivy. Zounds! I've got between two Lady Min. I have too much regard for Lord fires !
Minikin, to agree to any thing that would afford Lady Min. Run into the closet.
bim so little pleasure-I shall retire to my own Col. Tivy. (Runs to the closet.] There's no re-apartment. trcat! the door is locked!
Lord Min. Well, if your ladyship will be Lady Min. Behind the chimney-board, Gymp. cruel, I must still
, like the miser, starve and sigli, Col. Tivy. I shall certainly be taken prisoner. though possessed of the greatest treasure. [Gets behind the board.] You'll let me know (Bor's.] I wish your ladyship a good nightwhen the enemy's decamped ?
[He takes one candle, und LADY MINIKIN Lady Min. Leave that to me e-do you, Gymp, the other. go down the back stairs, and leave me to face May I presurnemy lord; I think I can match him at hypocrisy. Lady Min. Your lordship is too obliging
[Sits down. I nasty man!
[Rings a bell.
Lord Min. Disagreeable woman! [ Aside.
Enter Gymp, with a candle. [They wipe their lips and ereunt different
ways, ceremoniously. Miss Tit. "[Peeping out of the closet.] All's si
Gymp. What, in the name of mercy, is the
matter? lent now, and quite dark; what has been doing
Sir John. Why, the old matter, and the old here, I cannot guess—I long to be relieved; I
game, Mrs. Gymp: and I'll match cousins wish my lord was come—but I hear a noise !
here at it against all the world, and I say done [She shuts the door.
first. Col. Tidy. (Peeping over the chimney-board.] I wonder my lady does not come--I would not all this tumult and consternation? inay not lady
Lord Min. What is the meaning, Sir John, of have Miss Fittup know of this,'would be ten Minikin and I, and the colonel and your niece, thousand pounds out of my way, and I can't af- be seen in my house together, without your ford to give so much for a little gallantry. Miss Tit. (Comes forward.), What would my confusion?
raising the family, and making ibis uproar and colonel say, to find his bride, that is to be, in this
Sir John. Come, come, good folks, I see you critical situation !
are all confounded; I'll settle this matter in a
moinent, Enter Lord MINIKIN at one door, in the dark not deserved plain dealing from me, I will now
As for you, colonel-though you have Lord Min. Now to release my prisoner.
be serious--you imagine this young lady has an (Comes forward. independent fortune, besides expectations from
'Tis a mistake. She has no expectations Enter LADY MINIKIN at the other door.
from me, if slie marry you; and if I don't con
sent to her marriage, she will have no fortune at Lady Min. My poor colonel will be as miser- all. able, as if he were besieged in garrison; I must Col. Tiry. Plain dealing is a jewel; and to release him. [Going towards the chimney.
you, Sir John, that I can pay you in kind, Lord Min. Hist! hist!
I am most sincerely obliged to you for your intelMiss Tit. Lady Min, and Col. Tivy. Here!!igence; and I am, ladies, your most obedient here!
humble servant -I shall see you, my lord, Lord Min. This way.
at the club to morrow?
Erit. Lady Min. Softly.
Lord Min. Suns doute, mon cher colonel[They all grope till Lord Minikix has I'll meet you there without fail. got LADY MINIKIN, and the Colonel,
Sir John. My lord, you'll have something else Miss TITUP.
to do. Sir John. (Speaks without.] Lights this way, I Lord Min. Indeed! what is that, good Sir say! I am sure there are thieves ; get a blunder- John? buss!
Sir John. You must meet your lawyers and Jes. Indeed you dreamt it; there is nobody creditors tomorrow, and be told what you have but the family.
(All stand and stare. always turned a deaf ear to that the dissi
pation of your fortune and morals must be folEnter Sir John, in his night cap, and hanger lowed by years of parsimony and repentance. drawn, with JESSAMY.
As you are fond of going abroad, you may in
dulge that inclination without having it in your Sir John. Give me the candle, I'll ferret them power to indulge any other. out, I warrant; bring a blunderbuss, I say ! they Lord Min. The bumkin is no fool, and is have been skipping about that gallery in the dark damped satirical!
[Aside. this half hour; there must be mischief--I have Sir John. This kind of quarantine for pestiwatched them in this room-ho, ho, are you lential minds will bring you to your senses, and there? If you stir, you are dead men-[They re- make you renounce foreign vices and follies, and tire.)—and (Seeing the ladies.] womeii, too return with joy to your country and property aegad—ba! what's this? the same party again! gain read that, my lord, and know your and two couple they are of as choice mortals fate.
[Gives a paper, as ever were hatched in this righteous town- Lord Blin. What an abomination is this! that you'll excuse me, cousins !
a man of fashion, and a nobleman, shall be obli[They all look confounded. ged to submit to the laws of his country! Lord Min. In the name of wonder, how comes Sir John. Thank Heaven, my lord, we are in all this about?
that country! You are silent, ladies; if repentSir John. Well, but harkye, my dear cousins, ance has subdued your tongues, I shall have have you not got wrong partners ?—here has hopes of you; a little country air might perhaps been some mistake in the dark; I am nighty do well; as you are distressed, I am at your serglad that I have brought you a candle to set all vice; what say you, my lady? to rights again-you'll excuse me, gentlemen and Ludy Min. Blowever appearances have conJadies!
demned me, give me leave to disavow the substance of thosc appearances. My mind has