« PreviousContinue »
Enter Duke's Servant.
phiz, a canting phrase, and as many lies as ne
cessary.—Hem! Duke. Sir Harry, pr’ythee, what are we to do
Enter FREEMAN. at Lovel's when we come there?
Sir Har. We shall have the fiddles, I suppose? Free. Oh, Philip! How do you do, Philip?
Duke. The fiddles! I have done with dancing You have lost your master, I find? ever since the last fit of the gout. I'll tell you Phi. It is a loss, indeed, sir.—So good a genwhat, my dear boy, I positively cannot be with tleman !-He must be nearly got into Devonshire them, unless we have a little
by this time.- -Sir, your servant. ( Makes a motion as if with the dice-bor. Free. Why in such a hurry, Philip? Sir Har. Fie, my lord duke!
Phi. I shall leave the house as little as possiDuke. Look ye, baronet, I insist on it.-Who ble, now his honour is away. the devil of any fashion can possibly spend an Free. You are in the right, Philip. evening without it?-But I shall lose the girls Phi. Servants, at such times, are too apt to How grave you look, ha, ha, ha!-Well, let there be negligent and extravagant, sir. be fiddles.
Free. True; the master's absence is the time Sir Har. But, my dear lord, I shall be quite to try a good servant in. miserable without you.
Phi. It so, sir. Sir, your servant. [Going. Duke. Well, I won't be particular; I'll do as Free. Oh, Mr. Philip! pray stay; you must the rest do.-Tol, lol, lol!
do me a piece of service. [Erit, singing and dancing. Phi. You command me, sir. Sir Har. He had the assurance last winter, to Free. I look upon you, Philip, as one of the court a tradesman's daughter in the city, with best behaved, most sensible, completest [PHILIP two thousand pounds to her fortune, and got me bows.) rascals in the world!
T4side. to write his love-letters. He pretended to be an Phi. Your honour is pleased to compliment. ensign in a marching regiment; so wheedled the Free. There is a lenant of mine in Essex, a folks into consent, and would have carried the very honest man ---Poor fellow, he has a great girl off, but was unluckily prevented by the number of children; and they have sent me onc wasberwoman, who happened to be his first of them, a tall gawky boy, to make a servant ot'; cousin.
but my folks say they can do nothing with him.
Phi. Let me lave him, sir.
Free. In truth he is an unlicked cub.
Phi. I will lick him into someting, I warrant Phi. You are welcome to England, Sir Ilarry; you, sir.-Now my master is absent, I shall have I hope you received the card, and will do us the a good deal of time upon my hands; and I hate honour of your counpany.-My master is gone to be idle, sir : in two months I'll engage to finisha into Devonshire.-We'll have a roaring night. him, Sir Har. I'll certainly wait on you.
Free. I don't doubt it.
Aside. Phi. The girls will be with us.
Phi. I have twenty pupils in the parish of St. Sir Har. Is this a wedding supper, Philip? James's ; and, for a table, or a side-board, or Phi. What do you mean, Sir Harry? bebind an equipage, or in the delivery of a mesSir Har. The Duke tells me so.
sage, or any thing Phi. The Duke's a fool.
Free. What have you for entrance Sir Har. Take care what you say; his grace is
Phi, I always leave it to gentlemen's generoa bruiser.
sity. Phi. I am a pupil of the same academy; and Free. Here is a guinea-I beg he may be taken not afraid of him, I assure you. Sir Harry, we'll care of. have a noble batch-I have such wine for you ! Phi. That he shall, I promise you.—[ Aside.] Sir Har. I am your man, Phil.
Your honour knows me? Phi. Fgad the cellar shall bleed: I have some Free. Thoroughly.
[Aside. Burgundy that is fit for an emperor.- -My Phi. When can I see him, sir? master would have given his ears for some of it Free. Now, directly-Call at my house, and t'other day to treat my lord what d'ye-call-him take him in your band. with ; but, I told him it was all gone, ha! charity Phi. Sir, I will be with you in a minute; I begins at home, ha! Odso, here is Mr. Free- will but step into the market to let the tradesman, my master's intimate friend; he's a dry one men know they must not trust any of our ser-Don't let us be seen together-he'll suspect vants, now they are at board wages-Humph! something.
Free. How happy is Mr. Lovel in so excellent Sir Har. I am gone.
[Erit. Phi. Away, away ;--remember-Burgundy Phi. Ha, ha, ha! This is one of my master's is the word.
prudent friends, who dines with him three times Sir Har. Right--Long corks! ha, Phil! [Mi-a-week, and thinks he is mighty generous in givmicks the drawing of a cork.)--Yours. [Erit. ing me five guineas at Christmas, -Damn all
Phi. Now for a cast of my office-A starch such sneaking scoundrels, I say! [Erit.
SCENE III.-The Servant's Hall in Lovel's Phi. Do, Jemmy; wake them, Jemmy; ba, House.
Loo. Hip-Mr. Coachman! KINGSTON and Coachman, drunk and sleepy.
[Gives him a great slap on the face.
Coach. Oh, oh!-What! Zounds! Oh! damn [A knocking at the door.]
Lov. What ! blackey, blackey! King. Somebody knocks; Coachy, go-go to
[Pulls him by the nose. the door, Coachy.
King. Oh, oh !-What now? Cuise you! Oh! Coach. I'll not go-do you go ; you black dog. --Cot damn you ! King. Devil shall fetch me if I go,
Lor. Ha, ha, ha! [Knocking
Phi. Ha, ha, ha! Well done, Jemmy! Cook, Coach. Why, then, let them stay; I'll not go,
see those gentry to bed. damme-Ay, knock the door down, and let your
Cook. Marry come up, I say so too; not I inself in.
: King. Ay, ay, knock again, knock again!
Coach. She shan't see us to bed-We'll see Coach. Master is gone into Devonshire ; so he ourselves to bed. can't be there; so I'll go to sleep.
King. We got drunk together, and we'll go to King. So will I; I'll go to sleep, too!
[Ereunt, reeling. Coach. You lie, devil! you shall not go to
Phi. You see how we live, boy? sleep till I am asleep-I am king of the kitchen! Lov. Yes; I sees how you live. King. No, you are not king; but, when you
Phi. Let the supper be elegant, Cook. are drunk, you are sulky as hell ! Here is Cooky
Cook. Who pays for it? coming; she is king, and queen, too!
Phi. My inaster, to be sure; who else? ha, ha,
ha! He is rich enough, I hope, ha, ha, ha!
Phi. Each of us must take a part, and sink it Cook. Somebody has knocked at the door in our next weekly bills;
that is the way. (wenty times; and nobody hears! Why, Coach Lov. So!
[Aside. man, Kingston! Ye drunken bears, why don't Cook. Pr’ythee, Philip, what boy is this? one of you go to the door?
Phi. A boy of Freeman's recommending. Coach. You go, Cook; you go.
Loo. Yes ; I'm Squire Freeman's boy-heh! Cook. Hang me if I go!
Cook. Freeman is a stingy hound; and you King. Yes, yes, Cooky, go; Mollsy, Pollsy, may tell him I say so. He dines here three
times a week, and I never saw the colour of his black toad - It is none of my money yet. business, and
[Sits down. Lov. Ha, ha, ha! that is good-Freeman shall
[ Aside. Enter Philip with Lovel disguised.
Cook. I must step to the tallow-chandler's to Phi. I might have staid at the door all night, dispose of some of my perquisitos; and, then, I'll as the little man in the play says, if I had not set about supper. had the key of the door in my pocket-What is Phi. Well said, Cook! that is right; the percome to you all ?
quisite is the thing, Cook. Cook. There is John Coachman and Kingston Cook. Cloe, Cloe! where are you, Cloe? as drunk as two bears.
[Calls. Phi. Ah, ab! my lads ;--what! finished already? These are the very best of servants !-
Enter Clos. Poor fellows! I suppose they have been drinking their master's good journey? ha, ha, ha!
Cloe. Yes, mistress. Loo. No doubt on't.
[ Aside. Cook. Take that box and follow me. (Erit. Phi. Yo ho! get to bed, you dogs, and sleep Cloe. Yes, mistress. [Takes the bor.] Who is yourself sober, that you may be able to get drunk this ? [Sceing Lovel.] Nee, hec, hee! Oh! This again by-and-by. They are as fast as a church. is pretty boy ! Hee, hee, hee! Oh! This is pretty Jemmy?
red hair, hee, hee, hee! You shall be in lore Lov. Anan?
with me, by-and-by! hee, bee! Phi. Do you love drinking?
[Erit, chucking Lovel under the chin. Loo. Yes; I loves ale !
Lov. A very pretty amour ! [Aside.) Oh la ! Phi. You dog, you shall swim in Burgundy. what a fine room is this! Is this the dining room, Lov. Burgundy! what's that?
Phi. Cook, wake those honest gentlemen, and Phi. No; our drinking room. send them to bed.
Lov. La, la! what a fine lady here is! This Cook. It is impossible to wake them. is madam, I suppose ? Lov. I think I could wake them, sir, if I might Pli. Where have you been, Kitty? He !
Cook. Out, you
Loud. Kit. I have been disposing of some of his ho Lov. Coach, coach, coach! [Imitating. nour's shirts and other linen, which it is a shame Phi. Admirable !-the knave has a good ear--his honour should wear any longer; mother Bar- Now, sir, tell me a lie. ter is above, and waits to know if you have any
Lov. O la! I never told a lie in my life. commands for her.
Phi. Then it is high time you
should begin Phi. I shall dispose of my wardrobe to-mor now; what is a servant good for, that can't tell Kit. Who have we here? (Lovel bows. Kit. And stand in it-Now I'll lecture him Phi. A boy of Freeman's; a poor, silly fool.
-[Takes out a book.)-This is · The Servant's Loo. Thank you.
[ Aside. Guide to Wealth, by Timothy Shoulderknot, Phi. I intend the entertainment this evening formerly servant to several noblemen, and now as a compliment to you, Kitty.
an officer in the customs; necessary for all serKit. I am your humble, Mr. Philip.
vants.' Phi. But, I beg I may see none of your airs,
Phi. Mind, sir, what excellent rules the book or hear any of your French gibberish with the contains, and remember them well-Come, Kitty, Duke.
begin Kit. Don't be jealous, Phil. (Fawningly.
Phi. I intend, before our marriage, to settle Kir. (Reads.] Advice to the foot man. something handsome upon you; and, with the
• Let it for ever be your plan, five hundred pounds which I have already saved
To be the master, not the man. in this extravagant fellow's family
And do as little as you can. Lov. A dog! (.Aside.] O la, la! what! have you got five hundred pounds?
Loc. He, he, be! Yes, I'll do nothing at all; Phi. Peace, block head. Kit. I'll tell you what you shall do, Phil. Kit. “ At market, never think it stealing Phi. Ay, what shall I do?
To keep with tradesmen proper dealing i Kit. You shall set up a chocolate-house, my All stewards have a fellou-feeling.' dear.
Phi. Yes, and be cuckolded ? [ Apart. Phi. You will understand that better one day
Kit. You know my education was a very gen. or other, boy. teel one. I was a half-boarder at Chelsea, and I
Kit. To the groom. speak French like a native-Comment vous porter • Never allow your master able, tous, monsieur.
To judge of matters in the stable : Phi. Psha, psha!
If he should roughly speak his mind, Kit. One is nothing without French—I shall Or to dismiss you seems inclined, shine in the bar-Do you speak French, boy?
Lame the best horse, or break his wind.? Lov. Anan?
kit. Anan-( the fool! ha, ha, ha!--Come Loo. Oddiness ! that's good-he, he, he ! here, do, and let me new mould you a little. You
Kit. To the coachman. must be a good boy, and wait upon the gentle
If your good muster on you doats, folks to-night. She ties, and powders his hair. Ne'er leuve his house to serve a stranger;
Loo. Yes, an't please you, I'll do iny best. But pocket hay, and straw, and oats,
Kit. His best! Ô the natural! This is a strange And let the horses eat the manger.' head of hair of thine, boy-It is so coarse, and so carrotty.
Lov. Eat the inanger! He, he, he ! Lov. All
brothers and sisters be red in the Kit. I won't give you too much at a timepole.
Here, boy, take the book, and read it every night Phi. Kit. S Ha, ha, ha!
and morning, before you say your prayers. [Laugh.
Phi. Ha, ha, ha! very good; but now for buKit. There now, you are something like-siness. Come, Philip, give the boy a lesson, and then I'll Kit. Right; I'll go and get one of the damask lecture hiin out of the Servant's Guide.
table-cloths, and some napkins; and be sure, Phi. Come, sir ; first, Hold up your head Phil. your side-board is very smart.
[Erit. very well-Turn out your toes, sir-very well Phi. That it shall-come, Jemmy
Erit. Now call coach
Lor. Soh! soh! it works well [Exit. Lot. What is call coach?
SCENE I.--The Servant's Hall, with the Sup | gives noble wages, and keeps noble company; per and Side-board set out.
and yet you two are not contented, but cheat him
whererer you can lay your fingers. Shame on Philip, Kitty, and Lovel.
you ! Kit. Well, Phil, what think you? Don't we Lov. The fellow I thought a rogue, is the only look very smart? Now let them come as soon as honest servant in my house!
Aside. they will we shall be ready for them.
Kit. Out, you inealy-mouthed cur! Phi. "Tis all very well; but
Phi. Well, go tell his honour; do-ha, ha, ha! Kit. But what?
Tom. I scorn that-Damn an informer! But Phi. Why, I wish we could get that snarling yet I hope his honour will find you two out one our, Tom, to make one.
day or other, that's all
[Erit Tox. Kit. What is the matter with him?
Kit. This fellow must be taken care of. Phi. I don't know; he's a queer son of a Phi. I'll do his business for him, when his ho
Kit. Oh, I know him; he is one of your sneab- | nour comes to town. ing, balf-bred fellows, that prefers his master's Lov. You lie, you scoundrel ! You will not. interest to his own.
(Aside.)- 0 la, here's a fine gentleman. Phi. Here he is.
Enter Duke's Servant.
Duke. Ah, ma chere mademseile! Comment And why won't you make one to-night, Tom? | vous portez vous ?
Salutes. Here's cook, and coachman, and all of us. Kit. Fort bien, je vous remercier, monsieur.
Tom. I tell you again, I will not make one. Phi. Now we shall bave nonsense by wholePhi. We shall have something that's good.
sale. Tom. And make your master pay for it?
Duke. Ilow do you do, Philip? Phi. I warrant, now, you think yourself, migh Phi. Your grace's humble servant. ty honest-ba, ha, ha!
Duke. But, my dear Kitty— [Talk apart. Tom. A little honester than you, I hope, and Phi. Jelly. not brag neither.
Lov. Anan? Kit. Hark you, Mr. Honesty, don't be saucy Phi. Come along with me, and I'll make you Loo. This is worth listening to. [Aside. free of the cellar.
Tom. What, madam, you are afraid for your Loo. Yes—I will-but won't you ask le to cully, are you?
drink? Kit. Cully, sirrah, cully Afraid, sirrah! Phi. No, no; he will have his share by-andAfraid of what?
[Goes up to Tom. by; come along. Phi. Ay, sir, afraid of what?
Lov. Yes. [Exeunt Pulir and Lover. [Goes up on the other side. Kit. Indeed, I thought your grace an age
in Lov. Ay, sir, afraid of what? (Goes up too. coming. Tom. I value none of you, I know your tricks. Duke. Upon honour, our house is but this Phi. What do you know, sirrah?
moment up. You have a damned vile collection Kit. Ay; what do you know?
of pictures, I observe, above stairs, Kitty. Your Lov. Ay, sir, what do you
squire has no taste. Tom. I know that you two are in fee with Kit, No taste! that's impossible, for he has every tradesman belonging to the house and laid out a vast deal of money. that you, Mr. Clodpole, are in a fair way to be Duke. There is not an original picture in the hanged
[Strikes LOVEL. whole collection-Where could he pick them up? Phi. What do you strike the boy for?
Kit. He employs three or four nen to buy for Lov. It is an honest blow.
[Aside. him, and he always pays for originals. Tom. I'll strike him again—'tis such as you Duke. Donnez moi votre eau de luce -Mv that bring a scandal upon us all.
head aches confoundedly.-[She gives a smelling Kit. Come, none of your impudence, Tom. bottle.]-Kitty, my dear, I hear you are going to
Tom. Egad, madam, the gentry may well com- be married ? plain when they get such servants as you in their kit. Pardonnez moi for that. houses. There's your good friend, mother Bar Duke. If you get a boy, I'll be a godfather, ter, the old cloaths-woman, the greatest thief in faithtown, just now gone out with her apron full of Kit. How you rattle, Duke!-I am thinking, his honour's linen.
my lord, when I had the honour to sce you first. Kit. Well, sir, and did you never--ha?
Duke. At the play, mademseille. Tom. No, never: I have lived with his honour kit. Your grace loves a play? four years, and never took the value of that. Duke. No; 'tis a dull, old-fashioned, enter(Snapping his fingers.)-Ilis honour is a prince, tainment; I hate it
Kit. Well, give me a good tragedy.
Lady Bab. Then you have an immense pleaDuke. It must not be a modern one, then- sure to come. You are devilish handsome, Kate-Kiss nie Kit. Well, then, I'll read it over one afternoon
[Offers to kiss her. or other–Here's Lady Charlotte. Enter Sir Harry's Sertant.
Enter LADY CHARLOTTE's Maid in a chair. Sir Har. O ho! Are you thereabouts, my lord Dear Lady Charlotte ! duke? That very well by-and-by
Lady Char. Oh, Mrs. Kitty, I thought I never However, you'll never find me behind hand. should have reached your house-such a fit of
[Offers to kiss her. the cholic seized me -oh, Lady Bab, how long Duke. Stand off! You are a commoner; no- has your ladyship been here? My chairmen were thing under nobility approaches Kitty. such drones-- my lord duke! the pink of all
Sir Har. You are so devilish proud of your good-brecding! nobility-now, I think, we have more true nobi Duke. ( inadam!
Bowing. lity than you-Let me tell you, sir, a knight of Lady Char. And, Sir IIarry ! Your servant, Sir the shire
[Formally. Duke. A knight of the shire! ha, ha, ha! a Sir Har. Madam, your servant; I am sorry to mighty honour, truly, to represent all the fools Lear your ladyship has been ill. of the county!
Lady Char. You must give me leave to doubt Kit. O lud! this is charining, to see two no- the sincerity of that sorrow, sir; remember the blemen quarrel!
Park. Sir Har. Why, any fool may be born to a ti Sir Har. The Park! I'll explain that affair, tle, but only a wise man can make himself ho- madam. nourable.
Lady Char. I want none of your explanations. Kit. Well said, Sir Harry! that is a good mo
Sir Har. Dear Lady Charlotte ! Duke. I hope you make some differance be Ludy Char. No, sir; I have observed your tween hereditary honours, and the huzzas of a coolness of late, and despise you. A trumpery mob?
baronet ! kit. Very smart, my lord; now, Sir Ilarry Sir Har. I see how it is; nothing will satisfy
Sir Hari If you make use of your hereditary you but nobility--that sly dog the marquishonours to screen you from debt
Lady Char. None of your reflections, sirDuke. Zounds, sir, what do you mean by The marquis is a person of honour, and above that?
inquiring after a lady's fortune, as you meanly Kit. Hold, hold! I shall have some fine old did. noble bloods pilt here -Have done, Sir Har Sir Har. 1-1-madam? I scorn such a thing, ry
I assure you, madam, I never-that is to saySir. Har. Not I; why, he is always valuing Eyad, I am confounded—my lord duke, what himself upon his Upper House.
shall I say to her? Pray help me out. (Aside. Duke. We have dignity.
Slow. Duke. Ask her to show her legs—ha, ha, ha! Sir Har. But what comes of your dignity,
[Aside. if we refuse the supplies?
[Quick. Kit. Peace, peace! here's Lady Bab
Enter Philip and Lovel, loaded with bottles.
Phi. Here, my little peer-here is wine that Enter LADY BAB's Servant in a chair.
will ennoble your blood ----Both your ladyship’s Dear Lady Bab
most humble servant. Lady Bab. Mrs. Kitty, your servant; I was Lov. [Affecting to be drunk.]– Both your afraid of taking cold, and so ordered the chair ladyship's inost humble servant. down stairs. Well, and how do you
do ? My Kit. Why, Philip, you have made the boy Lord Duke, your servant--and Sir Harry, too drunk. yours.
Phi. I have made him free of the cellar-ha, Duke. Your ladyship's devoted
Lady Bab. I'm afraid I have trespassed in point Lov. Yes, I am freemI am very free. of time-[Looks on her watch.]—But I got into Phi. He has had a smack of every sort of my favourite author.
wine, from humble port, to imperial tokay. Duke. Yes; I found her ladyship at her stu Lov. Yes, I have been drinking kokay. dies this morning-Some wicked poein
Kit. Go, get you some sleep, child, that you Lady Bab. O, you wretch! I never read but may wait on his lordship by-and-by. one book.
Lov. Thank you, madam ; I will certainly wait Kit. What is your ladyship so fond of? on their lordsbips and their ladyships, too. Lady Bab. Shickspur. Did you never read
(Aside, and erit. Skickspur?
Phi. Well, ladies, and what say you to a Kit. Shickspur! Shickspur ! Who wrote it? dance, and then to supper? Have you had your No, I never read Shickspur.
ha, ba !