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And I do constitute my very good friend, Giles Crab, Esq. of St. Martin's in the Fields, executor to this my will; and do appoint him guardian to my ward, Lucinda; and do submit to his direction the management of all my affairs till the return of my son from his travels; whom I do entreat my said executor, in consideration of our ancient friendship, to advise, to counsel, &c. &c. JOHN BUCK.'

A good, pretty legacy! Let's see; I find myself heir, by this generous devise of my very good friend, to ten actions at common law, nine suits in chancery; the conduct of a boy, bred a booby

at home, and finished a fop at abroad; together with the direction of a marriageable, and therefore an unmanageable, wench; and all this to an old fellow of sixty-six, who heartily hates business, is tired of the world, and despises every thing in it. Why, how the devil came I to

merit

Enter Servant.

Ser. Mr. Latitat of Staple's Inn. Crab. So, here begin my plagues. Shew the hound in.

Enter LATITAT, with a bag, &c.

Lat. I would, Mr. Crab, have attended your summons immediately; but I was obliged to sign

judgment in error at the common pleas; sue out and the whereby, the statute common, and cusof the exchequer a writ of que minus; and sur-tomary: or, as Plowden classically and elegantly render in banco regis the defendant, before the expresses it, 'tis return of sci fa, to discharge the bail.

Crab. Pr'ythee, man, none of thy unintelligible law-jargon to me; but tell me, in the language of common sense and thy country, what I am to do?

Mos commune vetus mores, consulta, senatus, Hac tria jus statuunt terra Britannia tibi. Crab. Zounds, sir, among all your laws, are there none to protect a man in his own house? Lat. Why, Mr. Crab, as you are already posLat. Sir, a man's house is his castellum, his sessed of a probat, and letters of administration castle; and so tender is the law of any infringede bonis are granted, you may sue or be sued. ment of that sacred right, that any attempt to inI hold it sound doctrine for no executor to dis-vade it by force, fraud, or violence, clandestinely, charge debts, without a receipt upon record; this or vi et armis, is not only deemed felonious, but can be obtained by no means but by an action. burglarious. Now, sir, a burglary may be comNow actions, sir, are of various kinds: There mitted, either upon the dwelling, or the outare special actions; actions on the case, or asCrab. O lord! O lord! sumpsits; actions of trover; actions of clausum fregit; actions of battery, actions of

Crab. Hey, the devil, where's the fellow running now? But, harkye, Latitat, why I thought all our law proceedings were directed to be in English?

Lat. True, Mr. Crab ?

house.

Enter Servant.

Ser. Your clerk, sir-The parties, he says, are all in waiting at your chambers.

Lat. I come. I will but just explain to Mr.
Crab the nature of a burglary, as it has been de-

Crab. And what do you call all this stuff, ha? scribed by a late statute.
Lat. English.

Crab. The devil you do!

Lat. Vernacular! upon my honour, Mr. Crab. For as Lord Coke describes the common law to be the perfection

Crab. So here's a fresh deluge of impertinence. A truce to thy authorities, I beg; and as I find it will be impossible to understand thee without an interpreter, if you will meet me at five, at Mr. Brief's chambers, where, if you have thing to say, he will translate it for me.

any

Lat. Mr. Brief, sir, and translate, sir! Sir, I would have you to know, that no practitioner in Westminster-hall gives clearer

Crab. Sir, I believe it-for which reason I have referred you to a man who never goes into

Westminster-hall.

Lat. A bad proof of his practice, Mr. Crab. Crab. A good one of his principles, Mr. Latitat. Lat. Why, sir, do you think that a lawyerCrab. Zounds, sir! I never thought about a lawyer. The law is an oracular idol, you are the

explanatory ministers; nor should any of my

own private concerns have made me bow to your
beastly Baal. I had rather lose a cause than
contest it. And had not this old doating dunce,
Sir John Buck, plagued me with the management
of his money, and the care of his booby boy,
bedlam should sooner have had me than the bar.
Lat. Bedlam! the bar! Since, sir, I am pro-
voked, I don't know what your choice may be,
or what your friends may choose for you: I wish
I was your prochain ami: But I am under some
doubts as to the sanity of the testator, otherwise
he could not have chosen for his executor, under
the sanction of the law, a person who despises
the law. And the law, give me leave to tell you,
Mr. Crab, is the bulwark, the fence, the protec-
tion, the sine qua non, the ne plus ultra-

Crab. Mercy, good six and eightpence!
Lat. The defence, and offence, the by which

Crab. Zounds, sir! I have not the least curiosity.

Lat. Sir, but every gentleman should know
Crab. Dear sir, begone.

Lat. But by the late acts of Par-
Crab. Help, you dog! Zounds! sir, get out of
my house!

Ser. Your clients, sir

Crab. Push him out! [The lawyer talking all the while.] So ho! Harkye, rascal, if you suffer that fellow to enter my doors again, I'll strip and discard you the very next minute. [Exit Serpant.] This is but the beginning of my torments. But that I expect the young whelp from abroad every instant, I'd fly for it myself, and quit the kingdom at once.

Enter Servant.

Ser. My young master's travelling tutor, sir, just arrived.

Crab. Oh, then I suppose the blockhead of a baronet is close at his heels. Shew him in. This bear-leader, I reckon now, is either the clumsy curate of the knight's parish church, or some needy Highlander, the outcast of his country, who, with the pride of a German baron, the poverty of a French marquis, the address of a Swiss soldier, and the learning of an academy-usher, is to give our heir-apparent politeness, taste, literature a perfect knowledge of the world, and of himself.

Enter MACRuthen.

Mac. Maister Crab, I am your devoted servant.

Crab. Oh, a British chield, by the massWell, where's your charge?

Mac. O, the young baronet is o'the road. I was mighty afraid he had o'erta'en me; for, between Canterbury and Rochester, I was stopt and robbed by a highwayman.

Crab. Robbed! what the devil could he rob you of?

Mac. In gude troth, not a mighty booty. Buchanan's history, Lauder against Melton, and twa pund of high-dried Glasgow.

Crab. A good travelling equipage! Well, and what's become of your cub? where have you left him?

Mac. Main you Sir Charles? I left him at Calis, with another young gentleman returning from his travels. But why ca' ye him cub, Maister Crab? In gude troth, there's a meeghty

alteration.

Crab. Yes, yes; I have a shrewd guess at his improvements.

Mac. He's quite a phenomenon.

Crab. Oh, a comet, I dare swear; but not an unusual one at Paris. The Fauxbourg of St. Germain's swarms with such, to the no small amusement of our very good friends the French. Mac. Oh, the French were mighty fond of him.

Crab. But as to the language, I suppose he's a perfect master of that?

Mac. He can caw for ought that he need; but he is na quite maister of the accent.

Crab. A most astonishing progress! Mac. Suspend your judgment a while, and you'll find him all you wish, allowing for the sallies of juvenility; and I must take the vanity to myself of being, in a great measure, the author. Crab. Oh, if he be but a faithful copy of the admirable original, he must be a finished piece.

Mac. You are pleased to compliment. Crab. Not a whit. Well, and what-I suppose you and your-What's your name? Mac. Macruthen, at your service. Crab. Macruthen! Hum! You and your pupil agreed very well?

Mac. Perfectly. The young gentleman is of an amiable disposition.

Crab. Oh, ay; and it would be wrong to sour his temper. You know your duty better, I hope, than to contradict him?

Mac. I have a little thought that may be useful to us baith.

Crab. As how?

Mac. Cou'd na we contrive to make a hond o the young baronet? Crab. Explain.

Mac. Why you, by the will, have the care o' the cash; and I can make a shift to manage the lad.

Crab. Oh, I conceive you! And so, between us both, we may contrive to ease bim of that inheritance which he knows not how properly to employ, and apply it to our own use. You do know how.

Mac. Ye ha' hit it.

Crab. Why, what a superlative rascal art thou, thou inhospitable villain! Under the roof, and in the presence, of thy benefactor's representative, with almost his ill-bestowed bread in thy mouth, art thou plotting the perdition of his only child!" And from what part of my life didst thou derive a hope of my compliance with such a hellish scheme?

Mrc. Maister Crab, I am of a nation

Crub. Of known honour and integrity--I allow it. The kingdom you have quitted, in consigning the care of its monarch, for ages, to your predecessors, in preference to its proper subjects, has given you a brilliant panegyric, that no other people can parallel.

Mac. Why, to be sure

Crab. And one happiness it is, that though national glory can beam a brightness on particulars, the crimes of individuals can never reflect a disgrace upon their country.-Thy apology but aggravates thy guilt.

Mac. Why, Maister Crab, I

Crab. Guilt and confusion choak thy utterance! Avoid my sight! vanish! [Exit MAC.] A fine fellow this, to protect the person, inform the inexperience, direct and moderate the desires, of an unbridled boy! But can it be strange, whilst the parent negligently accepts a superficial recommendation to so important a trust, that the person, whose wants, perhaps, more than his Mac. It was na for me, Maister Crab. abilities, make desirous of it, should consider the Crab. Oh, by no means, Mr. Macruthen; all youth as a kind of property, and not study what your business was to keep him out of frays; to to make him, but what to make of him; and take care, for the sake of his health, that his thus prudently lay a foundation for his future wine was genuine, and his mistresses as they sordid hopes, by a criminal compliance with the should be. You pimped for him, I suppose? lad's present prevailing passions? But vice and Mac. Pimp for him! D'ye mean to affront-folly rule the world-Without, there! Crab. To suppose the contrary would be the affront, Mr. Tutor. What, man, you know the world? 'Tis not by contradiction, but by compliance, that men make their fortunes. And was it for you to thwart the humour of a lad, upon the threshold of ten thousand pounds a year? Mac. Why, to be sure, great allowances must be made.

Crab. No doubt, no doubt!

Mac. I see, Maister Crab, you know mankind. You are Sir John Buck's executor. Crab, True.

Enter Servant.

Rascal, where do you run, blockhead? Bid the girl come hither.-Fresh instances, every moment, fortify my abhorrence, my detestation, of mankind. This turn may be termed misanthropy, and imputed to chagrin and disappointment: but it can only be by those fools who, through softness or ignorance, regard the faults of others, like their own, through the wrong end' of the perspective.

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Enter LUCINDA.

So, what, I suppose your spirits are all afloat?
You have heard your fellow's coming?

Luc. If you had your usual discernment, sir, you would distinguish in my countenance an expression very different from that of joy.

for this puppy. But here he comes, light as the cork in his heels, or the feather in his hat.

Enter BUCK, LORD JOHN, LA LOIRE, Bearnois, and MACRUTHEN.

Buck. Not a word, mi lor ; jernie, it is not to be supported!-after being rompu tout nif, disCrab Oh, what! I suppose your monkey has jointed by that execrable pare, to be tumbled broke his chain, or your parrot died in moult-into a kennel by a fillhy charbonnier, a dirty reing? tailer of sea-coal, morbleu !

Luc. A person less censorious than Mr. Crab, Lord John. An accident that might have hapmight assign a more generous motive for my dis-pened any where, Sir Charles. tress.

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Buck. And then the hideous hootings of that detestable canaille, that murtherous mob, with barbarous, Monsieur in the mud, huzza! Ah, pais sauvage, bar bare, inhospitable! Ah, ah, qu'est ce-que nous avons? Who?

Mac. That is Maister Crab, your father's exe

cutor.

Buck. Ha, ha, Serviteur tres humble, Monsieur. Eh bien! What? is he dumb? Mac, mi Lor, mort de ma vie, the veritable Jack-roastbeef of the French Comedy. Ha, ha! how do you do, Monsieur Jack-roast-beef?

Crab. Pr'ythee take a turn or two about the

Luc. It would appear affectation not to under-room. stand you. And to deal freely, it was upon that subject I wished to engage you.

it.

Crab. Your information was needless; I knew

Luc. Nay, but why so severe? I did flatter myself, that the very warm recommendation of your deceased friend would have abated a little of that rigour.

Buck. A turn or two! Volontiers. Eh bien ! Well, have you, in your life, seen any thing so, ha, ha, hey?

Crab. Never. I hope you had not many spectators of your tumble?

Buck. Pourquon? Why so?

Crab. Because I would not have the public curiosity forestalled. I can't but think, in a country so fond of strange sights, if you were kept up a little, you would bring a great deal of With-money,

Crab. No wheedling, Lucy. Age and contempt have long shut these gates against flattery and dissimulation. You have no sex for me. out preface, speak your purpose.

Luc. What, then, in a word, is your advice with regard to my marrying Sir Charles Buck? Crab. And do you seriously want my advice? Luc. Most sincerely.

Crab. Then you are a blockhead! Why, where could you mend yourself? Is not he a fool, a fortune, and in love?-Lookye, girl————

Enter Servant.

Who, sent for you, sir?

Buck. I don't know, my dear, what my person would produce in this country, but the counterpart of your very grotesque figure has been extremely beneficial to the comedians from whence I came. N'est-ce pas vrais, mi lor? Ha, ha!

Lord John. The resemblance does not strike me. Perhaps I may seem singular; but the particular customs of particular countries, I own, never appeared to me as proper objects of ridicule.

Buck. Why so?

Ser. Sir, my young master's post-chaise is Lora John. Because, in this case, is is imposbroke down at the corner of the street by a coal-sible to have a rule for your judgment. The cart. His clothes are all dirt, and he swears like a trooper.

Crab. Ay! Why, then, carry his chaise to the coach-maker's, his coat to a scowerer's, and him before a justice-Pr'ythee, why dost trouble me? I suppose, you would not meet your gallant?

Luc. Do you think I should?

Crab. No, retire. And if this application for my advice, is not a copy of your countenance, a mask-if you are obedient, I may set you right.

Luc. I shall with pleasure follow your directions. [Erit. Crab. Now we shall see what Paris has done

forms and customs which climate, constitution, and government, have given to one kingdom, can never be transplanted with advantage to another, founded on different principles. And thus, though the habits and manners of different countries may be directly opposite, yet, in my humble conception, they may be strictly, because naturally, right.

Crab. Why, there are some glimmerings of common sense about this young thing. Harkye, child? by what accident did you stumble upon this block head?[To BUCK I suppose the line of your understanding is too short to fathom the depth of your companion's reasoning? Buck. My dear! [Gapes.

Crob. I say, you can draw no conclusions from the above premises.

Buck. Who, I? Damn your premises and conclusions too! But this I conclude, from what I have seen, my dear, that the French are the first people in the universe; that, in the arts of living, they do, or ought to give, laws to the whole world; and that, whosoever would either eat, drink, dress, dance, fight, sing, or even sneeze, avec elegance, must go to Paris to learn it. This is my creed.

Crab. And these precious principles you are come here to propagate.

Buck. C'est vrai, Monsieur Crab: and, with the aid of these brother missionaries, I have no doubt of making a great many proselytes. And now for a detail of their qualities. Bearnois. avancer! This is an officer of my household, unknown to this country.

Crab. And what may he be?—I'll humour the

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Crab. Astonishing qualities!

Buck. Retirez, Bearnois. But here's a bijou, here's a jewel, indeed! Venez ici, mon cher La Loire. Comment trouvez vous ce Paris ici? La Loire. Très bien.

Buck. Very well. Civil creature! This, Monsieur Crab, is my cook La Loire; and for hors d'autres, entre rotis, ragoûts, entremets, and the disposition of a dessert, Paris never saw his parallel.

Crab. His wages, I suppose, are proportioned to his merit?

Buck. A bagatelle, a trifle. Abroad but a bare two hundred. Upon his cheerful compliance in coining hither into exile with me, I have indeed doubled his stipend.

Crab. You could do no less.

Buck. And now, sir, to complete my equipage, regardez monsieur La Jonquil, my first valet de chambre, excellent in every thing; but, pour l'accommodage, for decorating the head, inimitable. In one word, La Jonquil shall, for fifty to five, knot, twist, tie, frieze, cut, curl, or comb, with any garçon perruquier, from the Land's-end to the Orkneys.

Crab. Why, what an infinite fund of public spirit must you have, to drain your purse, mortify your inclination, and expose your person, for the mere improvement of your countrymen! Buck. Oh, I am a very Roman for that. But at present I had another reason for returning! Crab. Ay, what can that be?

Buck. Why, I find there is a likelihood of some little fracas between us. But, upon my soul, we must be very brutal to quarrel with the dear agreeable creatures for a trifle.

Crab. They have your affections, then? Buck. De tout mon cœur. From the infinite civility shown to us in France, and their friendly professions in favour of our country, they can never intend us an injury.

Crab. Oh, you have hit their humour to a hair! But I can have no longer patience with the puppy. Civility and friendship, you booby! Yes, their civility at Paris has not left you a guinea in your pocket, nor would their friendship to your nation leave it a foot of land in the universe.

Buck. Lord John, this is a strange old fellow ! Take my word for it, my dear, you mistake this thing egregiously. But all you English are constitutionally sullen. November fogs, with salt boiled beef, are most cursed recipes for good humour, or a quick apprehension. Paris is the place! Tis there men laugh, love, and live. Vive l'amour! Sans amour, et sans ses desires, un cœur est bien moins heureux quil ne pense.

Crub. Now, would not any soul suppose, that this yelping hound had a real relish for the country he has quitted?

Buck. A nighty unnatural supposition, truly! Crab. Foppery and affectation all.

Buck. And do you really think Paris a kind of purgatory, ha, my dear?

Crab. To thee the most solitary spot upon earth, my dear. Familiar puppy y!

Buck. Whimsically enough. But come, pour pusser le tems, let us, Old Diogenes, enter into a little debate. Mi lor, and you, Macruthen, determine the dispute between that source of de lights, ce paradis de plaisir, and this cave of care, this seat of scurvy and spleen.

Mac. Let us heed them weel, my lord. Maister Crab has met with his match.

Buck. And first, for the great pleasure of life, the pleasure of the table: Ah, quelle difference! The ease, the wit, the wine, the badinage, the persiflage, the double entendre, the chansons à boire. O what delicious moments have I passed chez madame la Duchesse de Barbouliac!

Crab. Your mistress, I suppose?

Buck. Who, I? Fi donc! How is it possible for a woman to have a penchant for me? Hey, Mac!

Mac. Sir Charles is too much a man of honour to blab. But, to say truth, the whole city of Paris thought as much.

Crab. A precious fellow this!

Buck. Taisez vous, Mac. But we lose the point in view. Now, Monsieur Crab, let me conduct you to what you call an entertainment. And first: the melancholy mistress is fixed in her chair, where, by the by, she is condemned to do more drudgery than a dray-horse. Next proceeds the master to marshal the guests; in which as much caution is necessary as at a coronation; with, My lady, sit here,' and, 'Sir Thomas, sit there;' till the length of the ceremony, with the

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