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SCENE I.

at home, and finished a fop at abroad; together

with the direction of a marriageable, and thereCRAB discopered reading.

fore an uomanageable, wench; and all this to :, And I do constitute my very good friend, an old fellow of sixty-six, who heartily hates buGiles Crab, Esq. of St. Martin's in the Fields, siness, is tired of the world, and despises every esecutor to this my will; and do appoint him thing in it. Why, how the devil came I to guardian to my ward, Lucinda ; and do submit

merit to his direction the management of all my af

Enter Seroant. fairs till the return of my son from his travels; whom I do entreat my said executor, in consi

Ser. Mr. Latitat of Staple's Ian. deration of our ancient friendship, to advise, to

Crab. So, here begin my plagues. Shew the counsel, &c. &c.

John Bucki'

hound in. A good, pretty legacy! Let's see; I find myself Enter LATITAT, with a bag, ge. heir, by this generous devise of my very good friend, to ten actions at common law, nine suits Lat. I would, Mr. Crab, have attended your ja chancery; the conduct of a boy, bred a booby summons immediately; but I was obliged to sign

judgment in error at the common pleas; sue out, and the whereby, the statute common, and cusof the exchequer a writ of quæ minus ; and sur-tomary: or, as Plowden classically and elegantly render in banco regis the defendant, before the expresses it,'tis return of sci fa, to discharge the bail.

Mos commune vetus mores, consulta, senatus, Crab. Pr’ythee, man, none of thy unintelligible Hæc tria jus statuunt terra Britannia tibi. law-jargon to me; but tell me, in the language Crab. Zounds, sir, among all your laws, are of common sense and thy country, what I am to do?

there none to protect a man in his own house? Lat. Why, Mr. Crab, as you are already pos

Lat. Sir, a man's house is his castellum, bis sessed of -a probat, and letters of administration castle; and so tender is the law of any infringede bonis are granted, you may sue or be sued. ment of that sacred right, that any attempt to inI hold it sound doctrine for no executor to dis- vade it by force, fraud, or violence, clandestinely, charge debts, without a receipt upon record; this or vi et armis, is not only deemed felonious, but can be obtained by no means but by an action. burglarious. Now, sir, a burglary may be comNow actions, sir, are of various kinds: There mitted, either upon the dwelling, or the outare special actions; actions on the case, or as- house. sumpsits; actions of trover; actions of clausum

Crab. O lord ! 0 lord ! fregit ; actions of battery, actions of

Enter Servant. Crab. Hey, the devil, where's the fellow running now? But, harkye, Latitat, why I thought

Ser. Your clerk, sir—The parties, he says, are all our law proceedings were directed to be in all in waiting at your chambers. English?

Lat. I come. I will but just explain to Mr. Lat. True, Mr. Crab ?

Crab the nature of a burglary, as it has been deCrab. And what do you call all this stuff, ha? scribed by a late statute. Lat. English.

Crab. Zounds, sir! I have not the least curioCrab. The devil

you
do!

sity. Lat. Vernacular! upon my honour, Mr. Crab. Lat. Sir, but every gentleman should know For as Lord Coke describes the common law to

Crab. Dear sir, begone. be the perfection

Lat. But by the late acts of ParCrab. So here's a fresh deluge of impertinence. Crab. Help, you dog! Zounds ! sir, get out of A truce to thy authorities, I beg; and as I find my house! it will be impossible to understand thee without Ser. Your clients, siran interpreter, if you will meet me at five, at Crab. Push him out! [The lawyer talking all Mr. Brief's chambers, where, if you have any

the while.] So ho! Harkye, rascal, if you suffer thing to say, he will translate it for me. that fellow to enter my doors again, I'll strip and

Lat. Mr. Brief, sir, and translate, sir! Sir, I discard you the very next minute. [Exit Serwould have you to know, that no practitioner in pant.] This is but the beginning of my torments. Westminster-hall gives clearer

But that I expect the young whelp from abroad Crab. Sir, I believe it—for which reason I every instant, I'd fly for it myself, and quit the have referred you to a man who never goes into kingdom at once. Westininster-hall.

Enter Servant. Lat. A bad proof of his practice, Mr. Crab. Crab. A good one of his principles, Mr. Latitat. Ser. My young master's travelling tutor, sir, Lat. Why, sir, do you think that a lawyer just arrived.

Crab. Zounds, sir! I never thought about a Crab. Oh, then I suppose the blockhead of a lawyer. The law is an oracular idol, you are the baronet is close at his heels. Shew him in. This explanatory ministers ; nor should my

bear-leader, I reckon now, is either the clumsy own privateconcerns have made me bow to your curate of the knight's parish church, or some beastly Baal. I had rather lose a cause than needy Highlander, the outcast of his country, contest it. And had not this old doating dunce, who, with the pride of a German baron, the poSir John Buck, plagued me with the management verty of a French marquis, the address of a Swiss of his money, and the care of his booby boy, soldier, and the learning of an academy-usher, bedlam should sooner have had me than the bar. is to give our heir-apparent politeness, taste, li

Lat. Bedlam ! the bar ! Since, sir, I am pro- terature a perfect knowledge of the world, and voked, I don't know what your choice may be, of hiroself. or what your friends may choose for you: I wish I was your prochain ami : But I am under some

Enter MACRUTHEN. doubts as to the sanity of the testator, otherwise he could not have chosen for his executor,

Mac. Maister Crab, I am your devoted ser

under vant. the sanction of the law, a person who despises Crab. Oh, a British chield, hy the massthe law. And the law, give me leave to tell you, Well, where's your charge? Mr. Crab, is the bulwark, the fence, the protec Mac. O, the young baronet is o'the road. I tion, the sine qua non, the ne plus ultra was mighty afraid he had o'erta'en me; for, be

Crab. Mercy, good six and eightpence!
Lut. The defence, and offence, the by which I and robbed by a highwayman.

tween Canterbury and Rochester, I was stopt

any of

(

Crab. Robbed! what the devil could he rob Mac. I have a little thought that may be useyou of?

ful to us baith. Mac. In gude troth, not a mighty booty. Bu Crab. As how? chanan's history, Lauder against Melton, and twa Mac. Cou'd na we contrive to make a hond o' pund of high-dried Glasgow.

the young baronet ? Crab. A good travelling equipage! Well, and

Crab. Explain. what's become of your cub? where have you left Mac. Why you, by the will, have the care o' him?

the cash ; and I can make a shift to manage the Mac. Main you Sir Charles? I left him at lad. Calis, with another young gentleman returning Crab. Oh, I conceive you! And so, between from his travels. But why ca' ye him cub, us both, we may contrive to ease bim of that inMaister Crab? In gude troth, there's a meeghty heritance which he knows not how properly to alteration.

employ, and apply it to our own use. You do Crab. Yes, yes; I have a shrewd guess at his know how. improvements.

Mac. Ye ha' hit it. Mac. He's quite a phenomenon.

Crab. Why, what a superlative rascal art thou, Crab. Oh, a comet, I dare swear; but not an thou inhospitable villain! Under the roof, and in unusual one at Paris. The Fauxbourg of St. the presence, of thy benefactor's representative, Germain's swarms with such, to the no small with almost his ill-bestowed bread in thy inouth, amusement of our very good friends the French. art thou plotting the perdition of his only child !

Mac. Oh, the French were mighty fond of And from what part of my life didst thou derive, him.

a hope of my compliance with such a hellish Crab. But as to the language, I suppose he's a scheme? perfect master of that?

Mrc, Maister Crab, I am of a nationMac. He can caw for ought that he need; but Crub. Of known honour and integrity-I allow he is na quite maister of the accent.

it. The kingdom you have quitted, in consigning Crab. A most astonishing progress ! the care of its monarch, for ages, to your prede

Mac. Suspend your judgment a while, and cessors, in preference to its proper subjects, has you'll find him all you wish, allowing for the sal- given you a brilliant panegyric, that no other lies of juvenility; and I must take the vanity to people can parallel. myself of being, in a great measure, the author. Mac. Why, to be sure

Crab. Oh, if he be but a faithful copy of Crab. And one happiness it is, that though nathe admirable original, he must be a finished tional glory can beani a brightness on particulars, piece.

the crimes of individuals can never reflect a disa Mac. You are pleased to compliment. grace upon their country.—Thy apology but ag

Crab. Not a whit. Well, and what I sup-gravates thy guilt. pose you and yourWhat's your name? Mac. Why, Maister Crab, IMac. Macruthen, at your service.

Crab. Guilt and confusion choak thy utter. Crab. Macruthen! Hum! You and your pu- ance ! Avoid my sight! vanish! (Exit Mac.] pil agreed very well?

A fine fellow this, to protect the person, inform Mac. Perfectly. The young gentleman is of the inexperience, direct and moderate the desires, an amiable disposition.

of an unbridled boy! But can it be strange, Crab. Oh, ay; and it would be wrong to sour whilst the parent negligently accepts a superficial his temper. You know your duty better, I hope, recommendation to so important a trust, that the than to contradict him

person, whose wants, perhaps, more than his Mac. It was na for me, Maister Crab. abilities, make desirous of it, sliould consider the

Crab. Oh, by no means, Mr. Macruthen; all youth as a kind of property, and not study what your business was to keep him out of frays; to to make him, but what to make of him; and take care, for the sake of his health, that his thus prudently lay a foundation for his future wine was genuine, and his mistresses as they sordid hopes, by a criminal compliance with the should be. You pimped for him, I suppose ? lad's present prevailing passions? But vice and

Mac. Pimp for him! D'ye mean to affront-folly rule the world-Without, there ! Crab. To suppose the contrary would be the affront, Mr. Tutor. What, man, you know the

Enter Servant. world ? 'Tis not by contradiction, but by compliance, that men make their fortunes. And was Rascal, where do you run, blockhead? Bid the it for you to thwart the humour of a lad, upon girl come hither._Fresh instances, every mothe threshold of ten thousand pounds a year? ment, fortify my abhorrence, my detestation, of

Mac. Why, to be sure, great allowances must mankind. This turn may be termed misanbe made.

thropy, and imputed to chagrin and disappointCrab. No doubt, no doubt!

ment: but it can only be by those fools who, Muc. I see, Maister Crab, you know man- through softness or ignorance, regard the faults kind. You are Sir John Buck's executor. of others, like their own, through the wrong end Crab. True.

of the perspective.

ing?

cutor.

stand you.

Enter LUCINDA.

for this puppy. But here he comes, light as the

cork in his heels, or the feather in his hat. So, what, I suppose your spirits are all afloat ? You have heard your fellow's coming ?

Enter Buck, LORD John, LA LOIRE, BEARNOIS, Luc. If you had your usual discernment, sir,

and MACRUTAEN. you would distinguish in my countenance an ex Buck. Not a word, mi lor ; jernie, it is not to pression very different from that of joy. be supported !-after being rompu tout nif, dis

Crab Oh, what! I suppose your monkey has jointed by that execrable parè, to be tumbled broke his chain, or your parrot died in moult- into a kennel by a fillhy charbonnier, a dirty re

tailer of sea-coal, morbleu ! Luc. A person less censorious than Mr. Crab, Lord John. An accident that might have hapmight assign a more generous inotive for my dis- pened any where, Sir Charles. tress.

Buck. And then the hideous hootings of that Crab. Distress! A pretty poetical phrase ! detestable canaille, that murtherous mob, with What motive can'st thou have for distress? Has barbarous, “Monsieur in the mud, huzza! Ah, not Sir John Buck's death assured thy fortune? pais sauvage, barbare, in hospitable! Ah, ah, and art not thou

qu'est ce que nous udons ? Who? Luc. By that very means, a helpless, unpro Mac. That is Maister Crab, your father's exe tected orphan.

Crub. Poh! pr'ythee, wench, none of thy ro Buck. Ha, ha, Serviteur tres humble, Monmantic cant to nie. What, I know the sex: the sieur. Eh bien ! What? is he dumb? Mac, mi objects of every woman's wish are property and Lor, mort de ma vie, the veritable Jack-roastpower. The first you have, and the second you beef of the French Comedy. Ha, ha! how do won't be long without; for here's a puppy riding you do, Mon-ieur Jack-roast-beef? post to put on your chains.

Crab. Pr’ythee take a turn or two about the Luc. It would appear affectation not to under- room.

And to deal freely, it was upon that Buck. A turn or two! Volontiers. Eh bien ! subject I wished to engage you.

Well, have you, in your life, seen any thing so, Črub. Your iuformation was needless; I knew ha, ha, hey? it.

Crab. Never. I hope you had not many specLuc. Nay, but why so severe? I did flatter tators of your tumble? myself, that the very warm recommendation of Buck. Pourquue Why so? your deceased friend would have abated a little Crab. Because I would not have the public of that rigour.

curiosity forestalled. I can't but think, in a Crab. No wheedling, Lucy. Age and contempt country so fond of strange sights, if you were have long shut these gales against Aattery and kept up a little, you would bring a great deal of dissimulation. You have no sex for me. With

money. out preface, speak your purpose.

Buck. I don't know, my dear, what my person Luc. What, then, in a word, is your advice would produce in this country, but the counterwith regard to my marrying Sir Charles Buck? part of your very grotesque figure has been exa

Crab. And do you seriously want my advice?iremely beneficial to the comedians from whence Luc. Most sincerely.

I came. N'est-ce pas vrais, mi lor? Ha, ha! Crab. Then you are a blockhead! Why, where Lord John. The resemblance docs not strike could you mend yourself? Is not he a fool, a ine. Perhaps I may seem singular; but the parfortune, and in love?-Lookye, girl

Ljcular customs of particular countries, I own, Enter Servant.

never appeared to me as proper objects of ridi

cule. Who, sent for you, sir ?

Buck. Why so ? Ser. Sir, my, young master's post-chaise is Loru John. Because, in this case, is is imposbroke down at the corner of the street by a coal- sible to have a rule for your judgment. The cart. His clothes are all dirt, and he swears like forms and customs wbich climate, constitution, a trooper.

and government, have given to one kingdom, can Crab. Ay! Why, then, carry his chaise to never be transplanted with advantage to anothe coach-maker's, his coat to a scowerer's, and ther, founded on different principles. And thus, him before a justice -Pr'ythee, why dost though the habits and manners of different countrouble me? I suppose, you would not meet your tries may be directly opposite, yet, in my humble gallant ?

conception, they may be strictly, because natuLuc. Do you think I should ?

rally, right. Crub. No, retire. And if this application for Crab. Why, there are some glimmerings of my advice, is not a copy of your countenance, a common sense about this young thing. Harkye, mask—if you are obedient, I may set you child? by what accident did you stumble upon right.

this block head ? To Buck ) I suppose the line Luc. I shall with pleasure follow your direc- of your understanding is too short to fathom the tions.

[Erit. depth of your companion's reasoning? Crub. Now we shall see what Paris has done Buck. My dear!

(Gapes.

porters?

Crob. I say, you can draw no conclusions from Buck. Why, I find there is a likelihood of some the above premises.

little fracas between us. But, upon my soul, we Buck. Who, I? Damn your premises and must be very brutal to quarrel with the dear conclusions too ! But this I conclude, from what agreeable creatures for a trifle. I have seen, my dear, that the French are the Crab. They have your affections, then? first people in the universe; that, in the arts of Buck. De tout mon caur. From the infinite living, they do, or ought to give, laws to the whole civility shown to us in France, and their friendly world, and that, whosoever would either eat, professions in favour of our country, they can drink, dress, dance, tight, sing, or even snecze, never intend us an injury. arec elegance, must go to Paris to learn it. This Crab. Oh, you have hit their humour to a hair! is my creed.

But I can have no longer patience with the pupCrab. And these precious principles you are py. Civility and friendship, you booby! Yes, come here to propagate.

their civility at Paris has not left you a guinea in Buck. C'est urui, Monsieur Crab: and, with your pocket, nor would their friendship to your the aid of these brother missionaries, I have no nation leave it a foot of land in the universe. doubt of making a great many proselytes. And Buck. Lord Jobn, this is a 'strange old fellow ! now for a detail of their qualities. Bearnois. Take my word for it, my dear, you mistake this arancez! This is an officer of my hou hold, un- thing egregiously. But all you English are conknown to this country.

stitutionally sullen. November fogs, with salt Crab. And what may he be ?-I'll humour the boiled beef, are most cursed recipes for good hupuppy

mour, or a quick apprehension. Paris is the place! Buck. This is my Swiss porter. T'enez vous 'Tis there men laugh, love, and live. Vive l'adroit, Bearnois. There's a fierce figure to guard mour! Suns amour, et sans ses desires, un caur the gate of an hotel.

est bien moins heureur quil ne pense. Crab. What do you suppose that we have no Crub. Now, would not any soul suppose, that

this yelping hound had a real relish for the counBuck. Yes, you have dunces that open doors; try lie has quitted? a drudgery that this fellow does by deputy. But Buck. A mnighty unnatural supposition, truly ! for intrepidity in denying a disagreeable visitor; Crab. Foppery and affectation all. for politeness in introducirg a mistress ; acuie Buck. And do you really think Paris a kind of ness in discerning, and con tancy in excluding, purgatory, ha, my dear? a dun, a greater genius never came from the Crab. 'Po thee the most solitary spot upon cantons.

earth, my dear.–Familiar puppy! Crab. Astonishing qualities !

Buck.'Whimsically enough. But come, pour Buck. Retirez, Bearnois. But here's a bijou, pusser le tems, let us, Old Diogenes, enter into a here's a jewel, indeed! Venez ici, mon cher La little debate. Mi lor, and you, Macruthen, de Loire. Comment trouvez tous ce Paris ici? termine the dispute between that source of de La Loire. Très bien.

lights, ce paradis de plaisir, and this cave of care, Buck. Very well. Civil creature! This, Mon- this seat of scurvy and spleen. sieur Crab, is my cook La Loire; and for hors Mac. Let us heed them weel, my lord. Maid'autres, entre rotis, ragoûts, entremets, and ster Crab has met with his patch. the disposition of a dessert, Paris never saw his Buck. And first, for the great pleasure of life, parallel.

the pleasure of the table : Ah, quelle difference! Crab. His wages, I suppose, are proportioned The ease, the wit, the wine, the budinage, the to his merit?

persiftage, the double entendre, the chansons & Buck. A bagatelle, a trifle. Abroad but a bare boire. O what delicious moments have I passed two hundred. Upon his cheerful compliance chez madame la Duchesse de Barbouliac! in coining hither into exile with me, I have in Crab. Your mistress, I suppose! deed doubled his stipend.

Buck. Who, I? Fi donc! How is it possible Crab. You could do no less.

for a woman to have a penchant for me? Hey, Buck. And now, sir, to complete my equipage, Mac! regardez monsieur La Jonquil, my first valet de Mac. Sir Charles is too much a man of honour chambre, excellent in every thing; but, pour l'aceto blab. But, to say truth, the whole city of commodage, for decorating the head, inimitable. Paris thought as much. In one word, La Jonquil shall, for fifty to five, Crab. A precious fellow this! knot, twist, tie, frieze,cut, curl, or comb, with any Buck. Taisez vous, Mac. But we lose the garçon perruquier, from the Land's-end to the point in view. Now, Monsieur Crab, let me con. Orkneys.

duct you to what you call an entertainment. Crab. Why, what an infinite fund of public and first: the melancholy mistress is fixed in her spirit must you have, to drain your purse, morti-chair, where, by the by, she is condemned to do fy your inclination, and expose your person, for more drudgery than a dray-horse. Next prothe mere improvement of your countrymen! ceeds the master to marshal the guests; in which

Buck. Oh, I am a very Roman for that. But as much caution is necessary as at a coronation; at present I had another reason for returning! with, My lady, sit here,' and, “Sir Thomas, sit Crab. Ay, what can that be?

there;' till the length of the ceremony, with the

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