Page images
PDF
EPUB

coat.

length of the grace, have destroyed all apprehen with the excrementitious growth of every clisions of the meat's burning your mouths. mate, that we have lost all our ancient charac

Mac. Bravo, bravo! Did I na say, Sir Charles teristics, and are become a bundle of contradice was a phenomenon?

tions, a piece of patch-work, a mere harlequin's Crab. Peace, puppy !

Buck. Then, in solemn silence, they proceed Lord John. Do you suppose then, sir, that no to demolish the substantials, with perhaps an oc- good may be obtainedcasional interruption of,'Here's to you, friends;' Crab. Why, pr’ythee, what have you gained? • Hob or nob;' Your love and mine.' Pork suc Lord John: I'should be sorry my acquisitions ceeds to beef, pyes to puddings. The cloth is were to determine the debate. But, do you think, removed. Madanı, drenched with a bumper, sir, the shaking off some native qualities, and the drops a curtsey, and departs; leaving the jovial being made more sensible, from comparison, of host, with his sprightly companions, to tobacco, certain national and constitutional advantages, port, and politics. Violà un repas à la mode d'An-objects unworthy the attention? gleterre, Monsieur Crab.

°Crab. You show the favourable side, young Crab. It is a thousand pities that your father man: But now frequently are substituted for nais not a living witness of these prodigious im- tional prepossessions,always harmless, and often provements.

happy, guilty and unnatural prejudices? UnnaBuck. C'est vrai. But, à propos, he is dead, tural! For the wretch, who is weak and wicked as you say, and you are

enough to despise his country, sins against the Crab. Against my inclination, his executor. most laudable law of nature; he is a traitor to Buck. Peut-être; well, and

the community where providence has placed him, Crab. Oh, my trust will soon determine. One and should be denied those social benefits he has article, indeed, I am strictly enjoined to see per- rendered himself unworthy to partake. But senformed; your marriage with your old acquaint- tentinus lectures are ill calculated for your time ance Lucinda.

of life. Buck. Ha, ha, la petite Lucinde ! et com Lord John. I differ from you here, Mr. Crab. ment

Principles, that call for perpetual practice, canCrab. Pr’ythee, peace, and hear me. She not be too soon received. I sincerely thank you, is bequeathed conditionally, if you refuse to sir, for this communication, and should be happy marry her, twenty thousand pounds; and if she to have always near me so moral a monitor. rejects you, which I suppose she will have the Crab. You are indebted to France for her wisdom to do, only five.

flattery. But I leave you with a lady, where it Buck. Reject me! Very probable, hey, Mac? will be better employed. But could not wc have an entrevue ? Crab. Who's there?-Let Lucinda know we

Enter LUCINDA.

This young man waits here till your puppy is Mac. Had na ye better, Sir Charles, equip powdered. You may ask him after your French yoursell in a more suitable garb upon a first visit acquaintance. I know nothing of him; but he to your mistress?

does not seem to be altogether so great a fool Crab. Oh, such a figure and address can de- as your fellow.

[Erit. rive no advantage from dress.

Luc. I am afraid, sir, you have had but a disBuck. Serviteur. But, however, Mac's hint agrecable téte a tête. may not be so mal à propos. Allons, Jonquil, je Lord John. Just the contrary, madam. By m'en vais m'habiller. Milor, shall I trespass upon good sense, tinged with singularity, we are enyour patience ? My toilette is but a work of ten tertained as well as improved. For a lady, inminutes. Mac, dispose of my domestics a leur deed, Mr. Crab's manners are rather too rough. aise, and then attend me with my port feuille, Luc. Not a jot; I am familiarized to them. I and read, while I dress, those remarks I made in know his integrity, and can never be disobliged my last voyage from Fountainbleu to Compeigne. by his sincerity. Serviteur, messieurs.

Lord John. This declaration is a little parti

cular from a lady, who must have received her Car le bon vin

first impressions in a place remarkable for its de Du matin,

licacy to the fair sex. But good sense can conSortant du tonneau,

quer even early habits. Vaut bien mieux que

Luc. This compliment I can lay no claim to, Le Latin

The former part of my life procured me but very De tout la Sorbonne. [Erit. little indulgence. The pittance of knowledge I

possess, was taught ine ly a very severe mistress, Crab. This is the most consummate coxcomb! Adversity. But you, sir, are too well acquainted I told the fool of a father what a puppy Paris with Sir Charles Buck not to have known my siwould produce him; but travel is the word, and tuation. the consequence an importation of every foreign Lord John. I have heard your story, madam, folly: And thus the plain persons and principles before I had the honour of seeing you. It was of old England are so confounded and jumbled affecting : You'll pardon the declaration : it now

expect her.

becomes interesting. However, it is impossible or debauching his wife, are mere peccadilloes in I should not congratulate you on the near ap- modern morality—But at present, you are my proach of the happy catastrophe.

care. That way conducts you to your fellowLuc. Events, that depend upon the will of an- traveller. (Exit LORD John.]-I would speak; other, a thousand unforeseen accidents may in- with you in the library.

[Erit. terrupt.

Luc. I shall attend you, sir. Never was so Lord John. Could I hope, madam, your pre- unhappy an interruption! What could my lord, sent critical condition would acquit me of teme- mean? But be it what it will, it ought not, it rity, I should take the liberty to presume, if the cannot concern me.- Gratitude and duty de-: suit of Sir Charles be rejected

mand my compliance with the dying wish of my

benefactor, my friend, my father. But am I Enter CRAB.

then to sacrifice all my future peace? But rea

son not, rash girl! obedience is thy province. Crab. So, youngster! what, I suppose you are already practising one of your foreign lessons. Though hard the task, be it my part to prove, Perverting the affections of a friend's mistress, That sometimes duty can give laws to love.

АСТ II. .

SCENE-J.

inclinations, and your father's injunctions, made

me conjecture that. Buck at his Toilet, attended by three Valets de Buck. And can't you suppose that the lady's Chambre, and MACRUTHEN.

beauty may be possessed, her merit rewarded,

and my inclinationsgratified, without an absolute Mac. Notwithstanding aw his plain dealing, I obedience to that fatherly injunction? doubt whether Maister Crab is so honest a man.

Lord John. It does not occur to me. : Buck. Pr'ythee, Mac, name not the monster. Buck. No, I believe not, mi lor. Those kind If I

may be permitted a quotation from one of of talents are not given to every body. Donnez their paltry poets,

moi mon manchon. And now you shall see me • Who is knight of the shire, represents them

the lady.

manage all.

Enter Servant. Did ever mortal see such mirrors, such looking, Ser. Young Squire Racket and Sir Toby Tallyglasses, as they have here too? One inight as well hoe, who call themselves your honour's old acaddress one's self for information to a bucket of quaintances. water,-La Jonquil, mettez-vous le rouge assez. Buck. Oh the brutes ! By what accident could He bien, Mac, miserable! Hey?

they discover my arrival? Mi dear, dear lor, aid Mac. Tis very becoming.

me to escape this embarras. Buck. Ay, it will do for this place; I really could have forgiven my father's living a year or

Racket and TALLYHOE without. two longer, rather than be compelled to return to Hoic a hoy, hoic a hoy! this

Buck. Let me die if I do not believe the HotEnter LORD Jonn.

tentots have brought a whole hundred of hounds

with them. But, they say, forms keep fools at a My dear lord, je demande mille pardons; but distance. I'll receive them en ceremonie. the terrible fracas in my chaise, had so gatéd and disordered my hair, that it required an age

Enter Racket and TALLYHOE. to adjust it.

Tal. Hey, boy; hoics, iny little Buck! Lord John. No apology, Sir Charles; I have Buck. Monsieur le Chevalier, votres tres humbeen entertained very agreeably.

ble serviteur. Buck. Who have you had, my dear lord, to Tal. Hey? entertain you?

Buck. Monsieur Racket, je suis charmé de vous Lord John. The very individual lady that's voir. soon to make you a bappy husband.

Rac. Anan! what? Buck. A happy who? husband ?

-What two Buck. Ne m'entendez vous ? Don't you know very opposite ideas have you confounded ensem- French? ble ! -In my conscience, I believe there's con Rac. Know French ! No, nor you neither, I tagion in the clime, and mi lor is infected. But think. Sir Toby, 'fore Gad, I believe the papists pray, mi dear lor, by what accident have you ha' bewitched him in foreign parts. discovered that I was upon the point of becoming Tal. Bewitched, and transformed him too. Let Lhat happy-Oh, un mari ! diable!

mc perish, Racket, if I don't think he's like one Lord John. The lady's beauty and merit, your of the folks we used to read of at school, in Ovid's

Metamorphosis; they have turned him into a no objection to the being entertained by their beast !

legs. Rac. A beast ! No; a bird, you fool. Lookye, Tel. Ay?-Why then, if you'll come to-night, Sir Toby, by the Lord Harry, here are bis wings! you'll split your sides with laughing; for I'll be

Tal. Hey! ecod, and so they are, ha, ha! I rot if we don't make them caper high, and run reckon, Rácket, hé came over with the wood- faster, than ever they have done since the battle cocks.

of Bienheim. Come along, Racket. [Ereunt. Buck. Voila des véritable Anglois. The rustic, Lord John. Was there ever such a contrast? rude ruffians !

Crab. Not so remote as you imagine; they are Rac. Let us see what the devil he has got upon scions from the same stock, set in different soils. his pole, Sir Toby.

The first shrub, you see, flowers more prodigally, Tal. Ay.

but matures nothing; the last slip, though stuntBuck. Do, dear savage, keep your distance ! ed, bears a little fruit; crabbel, 'tis true, but

Tal. Nay, 'fore George, we will have a scru- still the growth of the clime. Come, you'll follow tiny.

your friend.

[Ereunt. Rac. Ay, ay, a scrutiny. Buck. En grace, La Jonquil! mi lor! protect

Enter LUCINDA, with a Seroant. me from these pirates !

Luc. When Mr. Crab or Sir Charles inquire for Lord John. A little compassion, I beg, gentle- me, you will conduct them hither. (Erit Ser. men.—Consider, Sir Charles is upon a visit to his pant.] How I long for an end to this important bride.

interview! Not that I have any great expecTal. Bride ! Zounds, he's fitter for a band-box tations from the issue; but still in my circum--Racket, boax the heels.

stances, a state of suspence is of all situations Ruc. I have them, knight. 'Fore gad, he is the most disagreeable. But hush, they come, very reverse of a Bantam cock-His comb's on his feet, and his feathers on his head. - Who Enter Sir CHARLES, MACRUTHEN, LORD John,

and CRAB. have we got here? What are these three fellows? Pastry-cooks ?

Buck. Mac, announce me.

Mac. Madam, Sir Charles Buck craves the Enter CRAB,

honour of kissing your hand. Crab. And is this one of your newly-acquired Buck. Tres humble serviteur. Et comment sa accomplishments, letting your mistress languish porte, Mademoisselle ? I am ravished to see thee, -but you have company, I see.

ma chere petite Lucindem Eh bien, ma reine ! Buck. O yes; I have been inexpressibly hap- Why you look divinely, child. But, mon enfant, py.—These gentlemen are kind enough to treat they have dressed you most diabolically. Why me, upon my arrival, with what I believe they. what a coiffeure must you have! and, oh mon call, in this country, a route My dear lor, if Dieu ! a total absence of rouge. But perhaps you don't favour my fight -But see, if the you are out. I had a cargo from Deffreny the toads an't tumbling my toilet !

day of my departure: Shall I have the honour Lord John. Now's your time, steal off.—I'll to supply you? cover your retreat.

Luc. You are obliging, sir : but I confess mye Buck. Mac, let La nquil follow to resettle self a convert to the chaste customs of this counmy cheveur.-- Je vous remercie mille, mille fois, try; and, with a commercial people, you know, mon cher mi lor.

Sir Charles, all artificeRac. Hola, Sir Toby, stole away!

Buck. Artifice! You mistake the point, ma Buck. O mon Dieu !

[Esit. chere. A proper portion of red is an indispenTal. Poh, rot him; let him alone. He'll never sable part of your dress; and, in my private opido for our purpose. You must know, we in-nion, a woman might as well appear in public. tended to kick up a riot to-night at the play without powder or a petticoat. house, and we wanted him of the party; but that Crab.' And in my private opinion, a woman fop would swoon at the sight of a codgel. who puts on the first, would make very little dif

Lord John. Pray, sir, what is your cause of ficulty in pulling off the last. contention?

Buck. Oh, Monsieur Crab's judgment must be Tal. Cause of contention! Hey, faith, I know decisive in dress. Well, and what amusements, nothing of the matter. Racket, what is it we are what spectacles, what parties, what contrivances,

to conquer father Time, that foe to the fair? Í Rac. Angry about!-Why, you know we are fancy one must ennuier considerablement in your to demolish the dancers.

London here. Tal. True, true; I had forgot. Will you Luc. Oh, we are in no distress for diversions. make one ?

We have an opera. Lord John I beg to be excused.

Buck. Italien, I suppose; pitieable, shocking, Rac. Mayhap you are a friend to the French? assommant! Oh, there is no supporting their hi,

Lord John. Not I, indeed, sir-But if the occhi, hi, hi. Ah mon Dieu ! Ah, chassë brilliant casion will permit me a pun. though I am far soleil, from being a well wisher io their arins, I have

for a

angry about?

Brilliant soleil.

Luc. No doubt.
A-t-on jamais deu ton pareils Buck. Mon grand roi, mon cher adorable,

Ayez pitié de moi, je suis inconsolable.
There's music and melody.

(Then he turns his back upon her; at which she, Luc. What a fop!

in a fury) Buck. But proceed, ma princesse.

Monstre, ingrat, affreur, horrible, funeste, Luc. Oh, then we have plays.

Oh que je vous aime, ah que je vous deteste! Buck. That I deny, child. .

[Then he] Luc. No plays!

Pensez vous, Madame, à me donner la loi ? Buck. No.

Votre baine, dótre umour, sont les mêmes choses Luc. The assertion is a little whimsical.

à moi. Buck. Ay, that may be ; you have here dra Luc. Bravo! matic things, farcical in their composition, and Lord John. Bravo, bravo! ridiculous in their representation.

Buck. Ay, there's passion and poetry, and reaLuc. Sir, I own myself'unequal to the contro- son and rhime. Oh, how I detest blood and rersy; but surely Shakspeare My lord, this blank verse ! There is something so soft, so musubject calls upon you for its defence.

sical, and so natural, in the rich rbimes of the Crab. I know from what fountain this fool has theatre Francois! drawn his remarks; the author of the Chinese Lord John. I did not know Sir Charles was so Orphan, in the preface to which Mr. Voltaire totally devoted to the belles lettres. calls the principal works of Shakspeare mon Buck. Oh, entirely. 'Tis the ton, the taste. strous farces.

I am every night at the Caffè Procope ; and had Lord John. Mr. Crab is right, madam. Mr. not I had the misfortune to be born in this curst Voltaire has stigmatized with a very unjust and country, I make no doubt but you would have a very invidious appellation, the principal works seen my name among the foremost of the French of that great master of the passions; and his ap- academy. parent motive renders him the more inexcuse Crab. I should think you might easily get over able.

that difficulty, if you will but be so obliging as Luc. What could it be, my lord ?

publicly to renounce us. I dare engage not one Lord John. The preventing his countrymen of your countrymen should contradict or claim from becoming acquainted with our author, that you. he might be at liberty to pilter from him with Buck. No!-Impossible. From the barbarity the greater security.

of iny education, I must ever be taken for un Luc. Ungenerous, indeed!

Anglois. Buck. Palpable defamation.

Crab. Never. Luc. And as to the exhibition, I have been Buck. En verité ! taught to believe, that for a vatural, pathetic, Crab. En verité. and spirited expression, no people upon earth Buck. You flatter me?

Buck. You are imposed upon, child; the Le Crab. But commun justice. quesne, the Lanouc, the Grandval, the Dumenil, Mac. Nay, Maister Crab is in the right; for the Caussen, what dignity, what action! But, I have often heard the French themselves say, is è propos, I bave myself wrote a tragedy in it possible that gentleman can he British? French.

Buck. Obliging creatures! And you all conLuc. Indeed !

cur with them? Buck. En verité, upon Voltaire's plan. Crah. Entirely. Crab. That must be a precious piece of work. Luc. Entirely.

Buck. It is now in repetition at the French Lord John. Éntirely. comedie. Grandval and La Gaussen perform Buck. How happy you make me! the principal parts. Oh, what an eclat! What Crub. Egregious puppy! But we lose time. a burst will it make in the parterre, when the A truce to this trumpery. You have read your King of Ananamaboo refuses the person of the father's will? Princess of Cochineal!

Buck. No; I read no English. When Mac Luc. Do you remember the passage? has turned it into French, I may run over the

Buck. Entire; and I believe I can convey it items. in their manner.

Crab. I have told you the part that concerns Luc. That will he delightful.

this girl. And as your declaration upon it will Buck. And first the king.

discharge me, I leave you to what you will call Ma chere princesse, je vous, c'est drui ;

an ecclaircissement. Come, my lord. De ma femme vous portez les charmants attraits. Buck. Nay, but Monsieur Crab, mi lor, Mac! Muis ce n'est pas honétte pour un homme tel que Crab. Along with us. moi,

[Ereunt Crab and LORD Joun. De tromper ma femme, ou de rompre ma foi. Buck. A comfortable scrape I am in! What Luc. Inimitable !

the deuce am I to do? In the language of the Buc. Now the princess; she is, as you may place, I am to make love, I suppose. A pretty suppose, in extreme distress.

cmployment!

hend you.

Luc. I fancy my hero is a little puzzled with Luc. We do understand one another. You his part. But now for it.

have already been kind enough to refuse me. Buck. A queer creature, that Crab, ma-petite. Nothing is wanting but a formal rejection under But, à propos, How d'you like

my

lord ? your hand, and so concludes our acquaintLuc. He seems to have good sense, and good ance. breeding.

Buck. Vous allez trop vite ; you are too quick, Buck. Pas trop. But don't you think he has ma chere. If I recollect, the consequence of something of a foreign kind of air about him? this rejection is my paying you twenty thousand Luc. Foreign!

pounds. 1 : Buck. Ay, something so English in his manner? Luc. True. Luc. Foreign and English! I don't compre Buck. Now that, have not I the least inclina

tion to do. Buck. Why thát is, he has not the ease, the Luc. No, sir? Why you own that matje ne scai quoi, the bon ton.-In a word, he does riagenot resemble me now.

Buck. Is my aversion. I'll give you that un. Luc. Not in the least.

der my hand, if you please; but I have a prodiBuck. Oh, I thought so. He is to be pitied, gious love for the louis. poor devil; he can't help it. But, entre nous, ma Luc. Oh, we'll soon settle that dispute; the chere, the fellow lias a fortune.

lawLuc. How does that concern me, Sir Charles ? Buck. But hold, ma reine. I don't find that

Buck. Why, je pense, ma reine, that your eyes my provident father has precisely determined the have done execution there.

time of this comfortable conjunction. So, though Luc. My eyes execution !

I am condemned, the day of execution is not Buck. Ay, child, is there any thing so extra- fixed. ordinary in that? Ma foi, I thought, by the vi Luc. Sir! vacity of his praise, that he had already sum Buck. I say, my soul, there goes no more to moned the garrison to surrender.

your dying a maid, than my living a bachelor. Luc. To carry on the allusion, I believe my Luc. O, sir, I shall find a remedy. · lord is too good a commander to commence a Buck. But now, suppose, ma belle, I have fruitless siege. He could not but know the con- found one to your

band? dition of the town.

Luc. As how? Name one. Buck. Condition ! Explain, ma cheré.

Buck, I'll name two. And first, mon enfante, Luc. I was in hopes your interview with Mr. though I have an irresistible antipathy to the Crab had made that unvecessary.

conjugal knot, yet I am by no means blind to Buck. Oh, ay, I do recollect something of a your personal charms: in the possession of ridiculous article about marriage in a will. But which, if you please to place me, not only what a plot against the peace of two poor people! the aforesaid twenty thousand pounds, but Well, the malice of some men is amazing! Not the whole terre of your devoted shall fall at contented with doing all the mischief they can your * in their life, they are for entailing their male Luc. Grant me patience! volence, like their.estates, to latest posterity. Buck. Indeed you want it, my dear. But if

Luc. Your contempt of me, Sir Charles, I you founce, 1 Ay. receive as a compliment. But the infinite obliga Luc. Quick, sir, your other ! For this is a tions I owe to the man who had the misfortune Buck. I grant, not quite so fashionable as my to call you son, compel me to insist, that, in my other. It is then, in a word, that you would let presence at least, no indignity be offered to his this lubberly lord make you a lady, and appoint memory.

me his assistant, his private friend, his cisisbei. Buck. Lleyday! What, in beroics, ma reine ? And as we are to be joint partakers of your per

Luc. Ungrateful, unfilial wretch! so soon to son, let us be equal sharers in your fortune, ma trample on his asbes, the greatest load of whose belle. fond heart, in bis last hour, were his fears for Luc. Thou mean, abject, mercenary thing! tby future welfare.

Thy mistress! Gracious Heaven !-Universal Buck. Ma foi, elle est folle ; she is mad, sans enpire should not bribe me to be thy bride.doute.

And what apology, what excuse, could a woman Luc. But I am to blame. Can he, who breaks of the least sense or spirit make for so unnatural through one sacred relation, regard another? Can a connection ! the monster, who is corrupt enough to contemu Buck. Fort bien ! the place of his birth, reverence those who gave Luc. Where are thy attractions? Carst thou : him being ?-Impossible.

be weak enough to suppose, thy frippery dress, Buck. "Ah, a pretty monologue ! a fine soli. thy affectation, thy grimace, could influence beloquy this, child

yond the borders of a brothel? Luc. Contemptible! But I am cool.

Buck. Très bien ! Buck. I am mightily glad of it. Now we shall Luc. And what are thy improvements? Thy understand one another, I hope.

air is a copy from thy barber; for thy dress thou

« PreviousContinue »