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Scam. You be
makes no bad figure for his five minutes at the Don. Very weel
Pa:theon and Lyceum ; and in a month or two, Foote. Nay, but my dear Donald
we shan't be ashamed to start bin in a more reDon. Hands aff, Maister Foote-I ha' finished spectable place. But now, gentlemen, we are to my tale; the deel a word mare sal ye get out o’ descend to the peculiar essential qualities of Donald; yer servant, sir. [Erit Don. each distinct species of oratory; and first for the
Foute. You see, gentlemen, what your impa- bar—but as no didactic rules can so well convey, tience has lost us.
or words make a proper impression, we will have Scam. Rot him, let him go! But is this fellow recourse to nore palpable means, and endeavour one of your pupils ? Why, what a damnable by a lively imitation, to demonstrate the extent twang he has got, with his men, women, and of our art. We must, for this end, employ the bairns
aid of our pupils; but as some preparation is - Foute. His pronunciation is, I own, a little ir- necessary, we hope you will indulge us in a short regular; but then consider he is but merely a interruption.
[Erit. novice; why, even in his present condition, he
SCENE I.-A Hall of Justice. tain street called Cock-lane, in the county of
Middlesex, maliciously, treacherously, wickedly, Enter Foote.
and wilfully, by certaiu thumpings, knockings, Foote. The first species of oratory we are to scratchings, and flutterings, against doors, walls, demonstrate our skill in, is that of the bar; and wainscots, bedsteuds, and bed-posts, disturb, in order to give our lecture an air of reality, you annoy, assault, und terrify divers innocent, inare to suppose this a court of justice, furnished offensive, harmless, quiet, simple people, residing with proper ministers to discharge the necessary in, at, neur, or about the suid Cock-lane, and functions. But to supply these gentlemen with elsewhere, in the said county of Middleser, to the business, we must likewise institute an imaginary great prejudice of said people in said county.' cause; and, that the whole may be ideal, let it slow say you? Guilty or be the prosecution of an imaginary being ; I Coun (Stops the Clerk short.] May it please mean the phantom of Cock-lane, a phenomenon your worship—hem-I am counsel in this cause that has inuch puzzled the brains, and terrified for the ghost-hem-and before I can permit the minds, of many of our fellow-subjects. You her to plead, I have an objection to make, that are to consider, ladies and gentlemen, that the is--hem-I shall object to her pleading at all. language of the bar is a species of oratory dis- Hem-It is the standing law of this country tinct from every other. It has been observed, i hem—and has—hem-always been so allowed, that the ornaments of this profession have not deemed and practised, that-hem-all criminals shone with equal lustre in an assembly near their should be tried per pares, by their equals-hem own hall; the reason assigned, though a plea- --that is—hem-by a jury of equal rank with sant, is not the true one. It has been hinted, themselves. Now if this be the case, as the case that these gentlemen were in want of their it is, i-hem-I should be glad to know how briefs.—But were that the disease, the remedy my client can be tried in this here manner? would be easy enough; they need only have and first, who is my client? She is in the inrecourse to the artifice successfully practised by dictment called a phantom, a ghost. What is a some of their colleagues; instead of having their ghost? a spirit. What is a spirit? a spirit is a briefs in their hands, to hide them at the bote thing that exists independently of, and is supetom of their hats.
rior to, flesh and blood. And can any man go [Calls to his pupils, who enter dressed as a for to think, that I can advise my client to sub
justice, a clerk, a serjeant at law, and mit to be tried hy people of inferior rank a counsellor.]
to herself? certainly no-I therefore humbly You will remember, gentlemen, your proper move to quash this indictment, unless a jury of pauses, repetitions, hums, ha’s, and interjec- ghosts be first had and obtained. [Sits down. tions :-Now, seat yourselves; and you, the Scr, lam, in this cause, counsel against Fanny counsel, remember to be mighty dull, and you, Phantom the ghost-eh-and notwithstanding the justices, to fall asleep. I must prepare to the rule laid down by Mr. Prosequi be--ehappear in this cause as a witness.
[Erit. right in the main, yet, here, it can't avail his Jus. Clerk, read the indictment.
client a whit. We allow-eh-we do allow, Clerk. [Reads.] Middleser to wit,
please your worship, that Fanny quoad PhanFunny Phantom, you are indicted, That on tom-eh-had originally a right to a jury of or before the first day of January, 1762, you, ghosts; but-eh-if she did, by any act of her the said Funny, did, in a certain house, in a cer own, forfeit this right, her plea cannot be ad
initted. Now, we can prove to your worship, Bod. Yea-manifold have been the scratchprove by a cloud of witnesses, that said Fanny ings and knockings, that I have heard. did, as specified in the indictment, scratch, Ser. Vame the times. knock, and flutter-eh-wbich said scratchings, Bod. I have attended the spirit Fanny, from knockings, and flutterings--eh--being opera- the first day of her flutterings, even to the last tions merely peculiar to flesh, blood, and body scratch that she gave. -eh-we do humbly apprehend-el---that, by Ser. How long may that be? condescending to execute the aforesaid opera Bod. Five weeks did she flutter, and six weeks tions, she has waved her privilege as a ghost, did she scratch. and may be tried in the ordinary form, accord Scam. Six weeks-Damn it! I wonder she did ing to the statute so made and provided in the not wear out her nails. reign of, &c. &c. &c. Your worship's opinion? Clerk. Silence.
Tire. Sinoke the justice; he is as fast as a Ser. I hope the court is convinced? church.
Coun. Hold, Master Bodkin! you and I must Scam. I fancy he has touched the tankard too have a little discourse. A tailor, you say? Do much this morning; he'll know a good deal of you
work at your business? what they have been saying.
the courtthey have pleaded.] Why the objection--oh- Then your present trade is your teaching? brought by Mr. Prosequi, is [Whispers the Clerk.] Bod. It is no trade. doubtless provisionally a valid objection; but Coun. What is it, then, a calling? then, if the culprit bras, by an act of her own, Bod. No, it is no calling—it is rather—as I defeated her privilege, as asserted in Mr. Ser- may say—a forcing—a compellingjeant's replicatiou, we conceive she may be legal Coun. By whom? ly tried-oh-Besides-oh-Besides, I, I, I can't Bod. By the spirit that is witbin me well see how we could impannel a jury of Scam. It is an evil spirit, I believe; and ghosts; or-oh-how twelve spirits, who have needs must, when the devil drives, you know, no body at all, can be said to take a corporal Will. oath as required by law-unless, indeed, as in Tire. Right, Harry, case of the pecrage, the prisoner may be tried on Coun. When did you feel these spiritual their honour.
motions ? Coun. Your worship’s distinction is just ; Bod. In the town of Norwich, where I was knockings, scratchings, &c. as asserted by Mr. born.-One day, as I was sitting cross-legged on Serjeant
my shop-board, new seating a cloth-pair of Ser. Asserted-Sir, do you doubt my instruc- breeches of Mr. Alderman Crape's—I felt the tions?
spirit within me, moving upwards and downCoun. No interruptions, if you please, Mr. wards, and this way and that way, and tumbling Serjeant; I say as asserted; but can assertions and jumbling - At first, I thought it was the be admitted as proofs ? certainly no
cholic Ser. Our evidence is ready
Coun. And how are you certain it was not? Coun. To that we object, to that we object, Bod. At last, I heard a voice whispering within as it will anticipate the merits—your worship- me, crying, Shadrach, Shadrach, Shadrach! cast Ser. Your worship
away the things that belong to thee, thy thimble Jus. Why, as you impeach the ghost's pri- and sheers, and do the things that I bid thee. vilege, you must produce proofs of her scratch Coun. And you did ? inys.
Bod. Yea, verily Ser. Call Shadrach Bodkin.
Coun. I think I have heard a little of you, Clerk. Shadrach Bodkin, come into court. Master Bodkin: and so you quitted your busi
ness, your wife, and your children? Enter BODKIN.
Bod. I did.
Coun. You did- But then you communed Ser. Pray, Mr. Bodkin, where do you
live? with other inen's wives? Bod. I sojourn in Lukener's-lane.
Bod. Yea, and with widows, and with Ser. What is your profession?
maidens, Bod. I am a teacher of the word, and a tai Coun. How came that about, Shadrach? lor.
Bod. I was moved thereunto by the spirit. Scam. Zounds, Will, it is a Methodist !
Coun. I should rather think by the flesh Tire. No sure !
have been told, friend Bodkin, that twelve beScam. By the lord Harry, it is !
came pregnantClerk. Silence.
Bod. Thou art deceived—they were barely Ser. Do you know any thing of Fanny the but nine. Phantom?
Coun. Why, this was an active spirit. Bod. Yea- I do.
Ser. But to the point, Mr. Prosequi. Ser. Can you give any account of her thump Coun. Well, then you say you have heard ings, scratchings, and futterings?
those scratchings and knockings?
Par. Three years and three quarters, please Coun. But why did you think they came from your worship: we were exceeding bappy togea spirit?
ther; she was, indeed, a little apt to be jealous. Bod. Because the very same thumps, scratch Coun. No wonder es and knocks, I have felt on my breast-bone Par. Yes: they can't help it, poor souls; but from the spirit within me
notwithstanding, at her death, I gave her a proCoun. And these noises you are sure you digious good character in my jour al. heard on the first day of January?
Coun. And how proceeds the present affair ? Bod. Certain
Par. Just now, we are quite at a standSer. But to what do all these interrogatories Coun. How so? tend?
Par. The old scoundrel, her father, has playCoun. To a most material purpose. Your ed me a slippery trick. worship observes, that Bodkin is positive as to Coun. Indeed ! the noises made on the first day of January by Par. As he could give no money in hand, I Fanny the Phantom: now, if we can prove an agreed to take her fortune in copies. I was to alibi, that is, that, on that very day, at that very have the Wits Vade Mecum entire; four hun. time, the said Fanny was scratching and Aut- dred of News from the Invisible World, in tering any where else, we apprehend that we sheets; all that_remained of Glanvil upon destroy the credit of this witness—Call Peter Witches; Hill's Bees, Bardana, Brewing, and Paragraph.
Balsam of Honey, and three eights of Robinson Clerk. Peter Paragraph, come into court. Crusoe.
Coun. This gentleman is an eminent printer, Coun. A pretty fortune! and has collected, for the public ipforination, Par. Yes; they are things that stir in the every particular relative to this remarkable trade; but you must know that we agreed to go story; but as he has the misfortune to have but halves in Fanny the Phantom. But whilst I one ley, your worship will indulge him in the use and two authors, whom I had hired to ask quesof a chair.
tions, at oine shillings a night, were taking notes Clerk. Peter Paragraph, come into court. of the knockings at the house of Mr. Parsons
himself, that old rascal, Vamp, had privately Enter PARAGRAPH.
printed off a thousand eight-penny scratchings, Coun. Pray, Mr. Paragraph, where was you purchased of two Methodist preachers, at the born ?
public-house over the wayPar. Sir, I am a native of Ireland, and born Coun. Now we come to the point-look upon and bred in the city of Dublin.
this evidence; was he present at Mr. Parsons Coun. When did you arrive in the city of knockings? London ?
Par. Never; this is one of the rascally Me Par. About the last autumnal equinox; and thodists—Hark’ye, fellow? how could you be now I recollect, my journal makes mention of such a scoundrel, to sell for genuine, your counmy departure for England, in the Besborough terfeit scratchings to Vamp? packet, Friday, October the centh, N. S. or new Bod. My scratchings were the true seratchstyle.
ings Coun. Oh, then the journal is yours?
Par. Why, you lying son of a whore, did not Par. Please your worship it is; and relating I buy all my materials from the girl's father thereto, I believe I can give you a pleasant con-himself? ceit.—Last week I went to visit à peer, for I Bod. What the spirit commanded, that did I. know peers, and peers know me. Quoth his Pur. What spirit? lordship to me, Mr. Paragraph, with respect to Bod. The spirit within meyour journal, I would wish that your paper was Par. If I could but get at you, I would soon whiter, or your ink blacker. Quoth" I to the try what sort of a spirit it is-Stop, you villain ! peer, by way of reply, I hope you will own [Érit Bodkin.] The rogue has made his escape; there is enough for the money?" his lordship was but I will dog hím to find out his haunts, and then pleased to laugh. It was such a pretty repartee, return for a warrant-His scratchings; a scounhe, he, he, he!
drel; I will have justice, or I'll turn his tabernaJus. Pray, Mr. Paragraph, what might be your cle into a pig-stye.
(Erit Par. business in England ?
Coun. I hope, please your worship, we have Par. Hem--a little love-affair, please your sufficiently established our alibi ? worship.
Jus. You are unquestionably entitled to a jury Coun. A wife, I suppose
of ghosts. Par. Something tending that way; even so Coun. Mr. Serjeant, you will provide us a long ago as January, 1739-40, there past some list ? amorous glances between us: she is daughter of Ser. Let us see-you have no objection to Sir old Vamp of the Turnstile; but, at that time, I George Villars, the evil genius of Brutus, the stifled my passion, Mrs. Paragraph being then in ghost of Banquo, Mrs. Veal? the land of living.
Coun. We object to a woman -your worCoun. She is now dead?
Jus. Why, it is not the practice; this, it must sure by his parson, for all he thought to conceal be owned, is an extraordinary case. But, how- himself by changing his nameever, if on conviction, the Phantom should plead Scam. Why, it is Foote, you fool! pregnancy, Mrs. Veal will be admitted on the Ter. Arrah, who? jury of matrons.
Tire. Foote. Šer. I thank your worship; then, the court Ter. Fot? what the lecture-man, Pais adjourned. A
Tire. Yes. (Terence and Dermot in an upper bor. Ter. Arrah, be easy, honey Ter. By my shoul, but I will spake!
Scam. Nay, enquire of Suds. Der. Arrah, be quiet, Terence.
Suds. Truly I am minded, 'twas he. Ter. Dibble burn me, but I will; hut, hut, Ter. Your humble servant yourself, Mr. Suds not spake! what should ail me? Harkee, you by my shoul, I'll wager you three thirteens to Mr. Justice
a rap, that is no such matter at all, at all. Scam. Hollo, what's the matter now, Will? Scum. Done—and be judged by the company.
Der. Leave off, honey Terence, now you are Ter. Done-I'll ask the orator himself-here well
he comes. Ter. Dermot be easy.
Harkee, honey Fot, was it yourself that was hapTer. Ay, hear him, hear him! why the mat- ping about here but now? ter is this, Mr. Justice: that little hopping fellow Foote. I have heard your debate, and must there, that Dublin journal man, is as great a liar give judgment against you as ever was born
Ter. What, yourself; yourself ? Tire. How so?
Foote. It wasTer. Ay, prythee don't bodder me! what
Ter. Then, faith, I have lost
thirteensa d'ye learn no more manners at Oxford college, Arrah, but fot, my jewel, why are you after than to stop a jontleman in the midst of his playing sucli pranks, to bring an honest jontlespeech before he begins? oh, for shame of
into company where he is no -But yourself !-Why the matter is this, Mr. Justice: what, is this selling of lectures a thriving profesThat there, what the dibble d'ye call him, Pra- sion! Praragraf;—but, by my shoul, that is none of Foote. I can't determine as yet; the public his name neither; I know the little bastard have been very indulgent; I have not long as well as myself; as to Fanny the Phantom, long opened. life to the poor jontlewoman : he knows no more Ter. By my shoul, if it answers, will you be of her, than the mother who bore her
my pupil, and learn me the trade? Suds. Indeed! good lord you surprise me! Foote. WillinglyTer. Arrah, now, honey Suds. spake when
Ter. That's an honest fellow ! long life to you are spoke to ; you ar'n't upon the jury, my
[Sits doun. jewel, now; by my shoul, you are a little
Foote. Having thus completed our lecture for a ghost.
on the eloquence peculiar to the bar, we shall Tire. Prythee, friend Ephraim, let him go on : produce one great group of orators, in which let hear a little what he would be at
will be exhibited specimens of every branch of Ter. I say, he knows nothing about the case the art. You will bare, at one view, the cholethat is litigated here, d'ye see, at all
, at all; be- ric, the placid, the voluble, the frigid, the frothy, cause why, I haunt ha' been from Dublin above the turgid, the calm, and the clamorous; and, four weeks, or a month, and I saw him in his as a proof of our exquisite skill, our subjects are shop every day; so that how could he be here not such as a regular education has prepared for and there, too? unless, indeed, he used to fly the reception of this sublime science, but a set backwards and forwards, and that, you see, is of illiterate mechanics, whom you are to supimpossible, because why he has got a wooden pose assembled at the Robin-Hood in the leg.
Butcher-row, in order to discuss and adjust the Scam. What the devil is the fellow about?
various systems of Europe, but particularly to Tire. I smoke him-Harkee, Terence, who determine the separate interest of their own do you take that lame man to be? mother country.
(Exit. Ter. Ob, my jewel, I know him well enough
SCENE I.-The Robin Hood. thought I say, sir, some gentlemen may
think, that this may prove pernicious to our The President; Dermot O'DROGHeda, a chair- manufacture-[Looks in his hat.}-and the duty,
man; Tou Twist, a tailor; STRAP, a shoe- doubtless, it is of every member of this illusmaker ; Anvil, a smith; Sam SLAUGHTER, a
trious assembly to have a particular eye unto butcher; CATCHPOLE, a bailiff -All with that; but, Mr. President-sir—[Looks in his pewter pots before them.
hat, is confused, and sits koun.] Pré. Silence, gentlemen! are your pots re Pre. Mr. Twist. O pray finish, Mr. Twist ! plenished with porter ?
Twist. (Gets up.] I say, Mr. Pressdent, that, All. Full, Mr. President.
sir, if sir, it be considered that-as--I say, Pre. We will then, proceed to the business of [Looks in his hat ] I have nothing farther to say, the day; and let me beg, gentlemen, that you [Sits down, and Strap gets up.] will, in your debates, preserve that decency and Pre. Mr. Strap. decorum that is due to the importance of your
Strap. Mr. President, it was not my intention deliberations, and the dignity of this illustrious to trouble the assembly upon this occasion ; but assembly
when I hear insinuations thrown out by gentle(Gets up, pulls off his hat, and reads the men, where the interest of this country is so motion.
deeply concerned, I own I cannot sit silent;
and " Motion made last Monday, to be debated to before this assembly, a point of more impor
give me leave to say, sir, there never came duy, That, for the future, instead of that vulgar tance than this; it strikes, sir, at the very root, polation called porter, the honouruble members may be supplied with a proper quantity of Irish sir, of your constitution : for, sir, what does this
motion imply? It implies that porter, a wholeusquebaugh. Dermot O'Drogheda + bis mark.' some, domestic manufacture, is to be prohibited
And for what, sir? for a foreign perO'Dro. [Gets up.] That's I myself ! nicious commodity, I had, sir, formerly the Pre. Mr. O'Drogheda.
honour, in conjunction with my learned friend, O'Dro. Mr. President, the case is this. It is in the leather apron, to expel sherbet from not becase I am any great lover of that same us- amongst us, as I looked upon lemons as a fatal quebaugh, that I have set my mark to the motion; and foreign fruit-and can it be thought, sir, but because I did not think it was decent for a that I will sit silent to this? No, sir, I will put number of jontlemen that were, d've see, met to my shoulders strongly against it; I will oppose settle the affairs of the nation, to be guzzling a
it manibus totibus. For should this proposal pot of porter. To be sure, the liquor is a pretty prevail, it will not end here: fatal, give ine leave sort of liquor enough, when a man is hot with to say, will, I foresee, be the issue; and I shan't trotting between a couple of poles; but this is be surprised in a few days, to hear from the another guess matter, because why, the head is same quarter, a motion for the expulsion of gin, 'concerned ; and if it was not for the malt and and a premium for the importation of whisky. the hops, dibble burn me but I would as soon [A hum of approbation, with significant nods take a drink from the Thames, as your porter. and winks from the other members. He But as to usquebaugh; ah, long life to the liquor! sits down, and Anvil and another mem-it is an exhilirator of the bowels, and a sto ber get up together ; some cry ANVIL, matic to the head; I say, Mr. President, it in
others Jacob. vigorates, it stimulates, it-in short, it is the on Pre. Mr. Anvil. liest liquor of life, and no man alive will die Andil. Mr. President, sirwhilst he drinks it.
[The members all blow their noses, and [Sits down. Twist gets up, having a piece cough ; Anvil talks all the while, and is of paper, containing the heads of what he
not heard. says, in his hat.]
Pre. Silence, gentlemen ; vray, gentlemen! Pre. Mr. Timothy Twist.
A worthy member is up. Twist. Mr. President, I second Mr. O'Drog Anvil. I say, Mr. President, that if we consiheda's motion; and, sir, give me leave-I say, der this case in its utmost extent-[All the memMr. President (Looks in his hat.), give me bers cough, and blow their noses again.)-I say, leave to observe, that, sir, though it is impossi- sir, I will. Nay, I insist on bieng heard. If any ble to add any force to what has been advanced gentleman has any thing to say any where else, by my bonourable friend in the straps: yet, sir, I'll hear him. [ Looks into his hat again.] it may, sir, I say, be [ Members all laugh : Anvil sits down in a necessary to obviate some
objections that may passion, and Slaughter gets up. be made to the motion. And first, it inay be Pre. Mr. Samuel Slaughter.