already drawn my prize; and a great one it was! | now, of what use to you would be a husband of My poor dear man that's gone, I shall never meet with his fellow. Mrs. Mech. Psha, madam! don't let us trouble our heads about him; 'tis high time that he was forgot. Mrs. Love. But won't his relations think me rather too quick? Mrs. Mech. Not a jot: the greatest compliment you could pay to his memory; it is a proof he gave you reason to be fond of the state. But what do you mean by quick? Why, he has been buried these three weeks Mrs. Love. And three days, Mr. Mechlin. Mrs. Mech. Indeed! quite an age. Mrs. Love. Yes: but I shall never forget him; sleeping or waking, he's always before me. His dear swelled belly, and his poor shrunk legs; Lord bless me, Mrs. Mechlin, he had no more calf than my fan! Mrs. Mech. No! sixty? Mrs. Love. Sixty! Are you mad, Mrs. Mechlin? what, do you think I want to turn nurse. Mrs. Mech. Or fifty-five? Mrs. Love. Oh! that's too cunning an age;men, now-a-day, rarely marry at fifty; they are too knowing and cautious. Mrs. Mech. Or forty-five, or forty, orMrs. Love. Shall I, Mrs. Mechlin, tell you a piece of my mind? Mrs. Mech. I believe, madam, that will be your best way. Mrs. Love. Why, then, as my children are young and rebellious, the way to secure and preserve their obedience, will be to marry a man that won't grow old in a hurry. Mrs. Mech. Why, I thought you declared against youth? Mrs Love. So I do, so I do; but then, six or seven and twenty is not so very young, Mrs. Mechlin. Mrs. Mech. No, no, a pretty ripe age: for, at that time of life, men can bustle and stir: they are not easily checked; and whatever they take in hand, they go through with. Mrs. Love. True, true. Mrs. Mech. Ay, ay, it is then they may be said to be useful; it is the only tear and wear Mrs. Love. Why, what can I do, Mrs. Mechlin? a poor, lone, widow woman as I am; there's nobody minds me; my tenants behindhand, my servants all careless, my children undutiful-season. Ugh, ugh, ugh! [Coughs. Mrs. Mech. You have a villainous cough, Mrs. Loveit; shall I send for some lozenges? Mrs. Love. No I thank you; 'tis nothing at all; mere habit: just a little trick I've got. Mrs. Mech. But I wonder you should have all these vexations to plague you, madam; you who are so rich, and so Mrs. Love. Right, right. Mrs. Mech. Well, madam, I see what you want; and to-morrow, about this time, if you'll do me the favour to call Mrs. Love. I shan't fail. Mrs. Mech. I think I can suit you. Mrs. Love. But, Mrs. Mechlin, be sure don't let him be older than that, not above seven or eight and twenty at most; and let it be as soon as you conveniently can. Mrs. Love. Forty thousand in the four-per-my scent every morning I rise, Mrs. Mechlin, besides two houses at Hackney: but then, my affairs are so weighty and intricate; there is such trickling in lawyers, and such torments in children, that I can't do by myself; I must have a helpmate: quite necessity; no matter of choice. Mrs. Mech. Oh, I understand you! you marry merely for convenience? just only to get an assistant, a kind of a guard, a fence to your property? Mrs. Love. Nothing else. Mrs. Mech. I thought so; quite prudential; so that age is none of your object: you don't want a scampering, giddy, sprightly, young Mrs. Love. Young!-Heaven forbid ! What, do you think, like some ladies I know, that I want to have my husband taken for one of my grandchildren? No, no; thank Heaven, such vain thoughts never entered my head. Mrs. Mech. But yet, as your matters stand, he ought not to be so very old neither; for instance, Mrs. Mech. Never fear, madam. Mrs. Love. Because, you know, the more children I have by the second husband, the greater plague I shall prove to those I had by the first. Mrs. Mech. True, madam; you had better lean on me to the door. But, indeed, Mrs. Loveit, you are very malicious to your children; very revengeful, indeed. Mrs. Love. Ah, they deserve it; you can't think what sad whelps they turn out; no punishment can be too much; if their poor father could but have foreseen, they would have-why did I mention the dear man? it melts me too much. Well, peace be with him. To-morrow, about this time, Mrs. Mechlin, will the party be here, think you? Mrs. Mech. I can't say. Mrs. Love. Well, a good day, good Mrs. Mechlin. Mrs. Mech. Here, John, take care of your mistress. [Exit MRS. LOVEIT.] A good morning to you, madam. Jenny, bid Simon come up. A husband! there now is a proof of the prudence of age! I wonder they don't add a clause to the act to prevent the old from marrying clandestinely, as well as the young. I am sure there are as many unsuitable matches at this time of life as the other. Enter SIMON. Mrs. Mech. There I am coming-You are to know, that our squire Would-be is violently bent upon matrimony: and, nothing, forsooth, will go down but a person of rank and condition. Sim. Ay, ay, for that piece of pride he's in debted to Germany. Mrs. Mech. The article of fortune he holds in utter contempt; a grand alliance is all that he wants; so that the lady has but her veins full of high-blood, he does not care two-pence how low and how empty her purse is. Sim. But, madam, won't it he difficult to meet Shut the door, Simon. Are there any of Mr. with a suitable subject? I believe there are few Fungus's servants below? ladies of quality that Sim. Three or four strange faces. Mrs. Mech. Ay, ay, some of that troop, I suppose. Come, Simon, be seated. Well, Simon, as I was telling you; this Mr. Fungus, my lodger above, that has brought home from the wars a whole cart-load of money, and who (between you and I) went there from very little better than a driver of carts Sim. I formerly knew him, madam. Mrs. Mech. But he does not know you? Mrs. Mech. I am glad of that-This spark, I say, not content with being really as rich as a lord, is determined to rival them, too, in every other accomplishment. Sim. Will that be so easy? why he must be upwards of Mrs Mech. Fifty, I warrant. Sim. Rather late in life to set up for a gentle man. Mrs. Mech. But fine talents, you know, and a strong inclination Sim. That, indeed Mrs. Mech. Oh, as to that, I am already pro vided. Sim. Indeed! Mrs. Mech. You know my niece, Dolly? Sim. Very well. Mrs. Mech. What think you of her? Sim. Of Miss Dolly, for what? Mrs. Mech. For what! you are plaguily dull. Why, a woman of fashion, you dunce! Sim. To be sure, Miss Dolly is very deserving, and few ladies have a better appearance; but, bless me, madam, here people of rank are so generally known, that the slightest inquiry would poison your project. Mrs. Mech. Oh, Simon. I have no fears from that quarter; there, I think, I am pretty secure. Sim. If that, indeed, be the case Mrs. Mech. In the first place, Mr. Fungus has an entire reliance on me. Sim. That's something. Mrs. Mech. Then, to baffle any idle curiosity, we are not derived from any of your new-fangled gentry, who owe their upstart nobility to your Mrs. Mech. Then, I promise you, he spares Harrys and Edwards. No, no; we are scions for no pains. Sim. Diligent? Mrs. Mech. Oh, always at it. Learning something or other from morning to night; my house is a perfect academy, such a throng of fencers, dancers, riders, musicians- -But, however, to sweeten the pill, I have a fellow-feeling for recommending the teachers. Sim. No doubt, madam; that is always the rule. Mrs. Mech. But one of his studies is really diverting; I own I can't help laughing at that. Sim. What may that be? Mrs. Mech. Oratory. You know his first ambition is to have a seat in a certain assembly; and in order to appear there with credit, Mr. What-d'ye-Callum, the man from the city, attends every morning to give him a lecture upon speaking, and there is such haranguing and bellowing between them-Lord have mercy uponbut you'll see enough on't yourself; for, do you know, Simon, you are to be his valet-de-chambre? Sim. Me, madam! Mrs. Mech. Ay, his privy counsellor, his confident, his director in chief. Sim. To what end will that answer? from an older stock; we are the hundred and fortieth lineal descendent from Hercules Alexander, earl of Glendower, prime minister to king Malcolm the First. Sim. Odso! a qualification for a canon of Strasburg! So then, it seems, you are transplanted from the banks of the Tweed; cry you mercy! but how will Miss Dolly be able to manage the accent? Mrs. Mech. Very well; she was two years an actress in Edinburgh. Sim. That's true; is the overture made? has there been any interview? Mrs. Mech. Several; we have no dislike to his person! can't but own he is rather agreable; and as to his proposals, they are greater than we could desire-But we are prudent and careful, say nothing without the earl's approtion. Sim. Oh, that will be easily had. Mrs. Mech Not so easily! and now comes your part: but, first, how goes the world with you, Simon? Sim. Never worse! the ten bags of tea, and the cargo of brandy, them peering rascals took from me in Sussex, has quite broken my back. Jen. Miss Dolly, madam, in a hackney-coach at corner? may she come in? Mrs. Mech. Are the servants out of the way? Jen. Oh, she is so muffled up and disguised, that she'll run no danger from them. Mrs. Mech. Be sure, keep good watch at the door, Jenny. Jen. Oh, never fear, madam! [Exit JENNY. Mrs. Mech. Simon, take those two letters that are under the furthermost cushion in the window run home, get a dirty pair of boots on, a great coat, and a whip, and be here with them in half an hour at farthest. : Sim. I will not fail. But have you no farther directions? ticles for Fungus to sign! Have you got the contract about you? Dol. You know, aunt, I left it with you. Mrs. Mech. True, I had forgot; but where is the boud that I--Here it is; this Dolly, you must sign and seal before witnesses. Dol. To what end, aunt? : Mrs. Mech. Only, child, a trifling acknowledgment for all the trouble I have taken a little hint to your husband, that he may reimburse your poor aunt, for your cloaths, board, lodging and breeding. Dol. I hope that my aunt does not suspect that I can ever be wanting Mrs. Mech. No, my dear, not in the leastbut it is best, Dolly, in order to prevent all retrospection that we settle accounts before you change your condition. Dol. But, madain, may not I see the contents? Mrs. Mech. The contents, love! of what use will that be to you? Sign and seal, that is enough. Dol. But aunt, I choose to see what I sign. me? Dol. True, madam. Mrs. Mech. And what return did you make me? You was scarce got into your teens, you forward slut, but you brought me a child almost as big as yourself; and a delightful father you chose for it! Doctor Catgut, the meagre musician! that sick monkey-face maker of crotchets ! that eternal trotter after all the little draggle-tailed girls of the town. Oh, you low slut, had it been by a gentleman, it would not have vexed me; but a fiddler ! Dol. For Heaven's sake Mrs. Mech. Time enough. I shall be in the way; for it is me that must introduce you above. [Exit SIMON.] So, things seem now in a pretty good train; a few hours, it is to be hoped, will make me easy for life. To say truth, I begin to be tired of my trade. To be sure, the profits are great; but, then, so are the risks that I run: besides, my private practice begins to be smoked. Ladies are supposed to come here with different designs, than merely to look at my goods: some of my best customers, too, are got out of my channel, and manage their matters at home by their maids. Those asylums, they give a dreadful blow to my business. Time has been, Mrs. Mech. Did not I, notwithstanding, rewhen a gentleman wanted a friend, I could sup-ceive you again! have not I tortured my brains ply him with choice in an hour; but the market for your good! found you a husband as rich as is spoiled, and a body might as soon produce a a Jew, just brought all my matters to bear, and hare or a partridge as a prettynow you refuse to sign a paltry paper? Enter DOLLY. So, neice, are all things prepared? have you got the papers from Harpy? Dol. Here they are, inadam. Mrs. Mech. Let me see-Oh, the marriage-ar Mrs. Mech. After that, you eloped, commenced stroller, and in a couple of years returned to town in your orginal trim, with scarce a rag to your back. Dol. Pray, madam Dol. Pray, madam, give it me; I will sign, execute, do all that you bid me. Mrs. Mech. You will? yes, so you had best. And what is become of the child? have you done. as I ordered? Dol. The doctor was not at home; but the nurse left the child in the kitchen. Mrs. Mech. You heard nothing from him? Dol. Not a word. Mrs. Mech. Then he is meditating some mischief, I warrant. However, let our good stars secure us to day, and a fig for what may happen to-morrow. It is a little unlucky, though, that Mr. Fungus has chosen the doctor for his master of music; but as yet, be has not been here, and, if possible, we must prevent him. Enter JENNY, hastily. Jen. Mr. Fungus, the tallow-chandler, madam, is crossing the way; shall I say you are at home? Mrs. Mech. His brother hath servants enough, let some of them answer. Hide, Dolly. [Exeunt DOLLY and JENNY-one knock at the door.] Ay, that's the true tap of the trader: this old brother of ours, though, is smoky and shrewd, and, though an odd, a sensible fellow; we must guard against him: if he gets but an inkling, but the slightest suspicion, our project is marred.[A noise without.] What the deuce is the matter? As I live, a squabble between him and La Fleur, the French footman we hired this morning! This may make mirth; I'll listen a little. [Retires. Enter MR. ISAAC FUNGUS, driving in La FLEUR. I. Fun. What, is there nobody in the house that can give me an answer? where's my brother, you rascal? La Fleur. Je n'entend pas. I. Fun. Paw! what the devil is that? Answer yes or no! is my brother at home? don't shrug up your shoulders at me, you-Oh, here comes a rational being! Enter MRS. MECHLIN. Madam Mechlin, how fares it? this here lanthorn-jawed rascal won't give me an answer, and indeed, would scarce let me into the house. La Fleur. C'est gros burgeois a fait une tapage de diable. Mrs. Mech. Fy donc ! c'est le frere de Monsieur. La Fleur. Le frere! mon Dieu ! I. Fun. What is all this? what the devil lingo is the fellow a-talking? Mrs. Mech. This is a footman from France that your brother has taken. I. Fun. From France! and is that the best of his breeding? I thought we had taught them better manners abroad, than to come here and insult us at home. People make such a rout about smuggling their Frenchified goods; their men do us more mischief. If we could but hinder the importing of them———— Mrs. Mech. Ay, you are a true Briton; I see that, Mr. Isaac. I. Fun. I warrant me: Is brother Zachary at home? Mrs. Mech. Abové stairs, sir. I. Fun. Any company with him? Mrs. Mech. Not any to hinder your visit. La Fleur, ouvrez la porte. I. Fun. Get along, you-Mrs. Mechlin, your servant. [Erit MRS. MECHLIN.] I can't think what the devil makes your quality so fond of the monsieurs; for my part, I don't see -March and be hanged to you- -you sooty-faced [Exeunt I. FUNGUS and LA FLEur. Mrs. Mech. Come, Dolly, you may now appear. with a full suit of the blue pattern upon her back, but Mrs. Deputy Dowlass dizened out like a duchess? Pad. Mrs. Deputy Dowlass! Is it possible? Mrs. Mech. There is no denying the fact; but that was not all. If, indeed, Mrs. Deputy had behaved like a gentlewoman, and swore they had been sent her from Paris, why, there the thing wonld have died: but see what it is to have to do with mechanics; the fool owned she had them from you! I should be glad to see any of my customers at a loss for a lie; but those trumpery traders, Mr. Paduasoy, you'll never gain any credit by them. Pad. This must be a trick of my wife's; I know the women are intimate; but this piece of intelligence will make a hot house. None of my fault, indeed, Mrs. Mechlin; I hope, ma'am, this wont make any difference? Mrs. Mech. Difference! I don't believe I shall be able to smuggle a gown for you these six months, What is in that bundle? Pad. Some India hankerchief's, that you promised to procure of a supercargo at Woolwich for Sir Thomas Calico's lady. Mrs. Mech. Are you pretty forward with the light sprigged waistcoats from Italy? Pad. They will be out of the loom in a week Mrs. Mech. You need not put any Genoa velvets in hand till the end of autumn; but you may make me immediately a fresh sortment of foreign ribbons for summer. Pad. Any other commands, Mrs. Mechlin ? Mrs. Mech. Mr. Paduasoy! Lord, I had like to have forgot. You must write an anonymous letter to the custom-house, and send me some old silks to be seized; I must treat the town with a bonfire: it will make a fine paragraph for the papers, and at the same time advertise the public where such things may be had. Pad. I shan't fail, madam. [Exit PADUASOY. Mrs. Mech. Who says now, that I am not a friend to my country? I think the Society for the Encouragement of Arts should vote me a premium. I am sure I am one of the greatest encouragers of our own manufactures. [Exit MRS. MECHLIN. ACT II. SCENE I.-MRS. MECHLIN's house. Enter ZACHARY FUNGUS, ISAAC FUNGUS, and MRS. MECHLIN. 2. Fun. Brother Isaac, you are a blockhead, I tell you. But answer me this: Can knowledge do a man any harm? I. Fun. No, surely; what is befitting a man for to learn. 2. Fun. To learn! and how should you know what is befitting a gentleman to learn? stick to your trade, Master Tallow-chandler. I. Fun. Now, brother Zachary, can you say in your conscience, as how it is decent to be learning to dance, when you ha' almost lost the use of your legs? 2. Fun. Lost the use of my legs! to see but the malice of men! Do but ax Mrs. Mechlin ; now, ma'am, does not Mrs. Dukes say, that considering my time, I have made a wonderful progress? I. Fun. Your time, brother Zac? 2. Fun. Ay, my time, brother Isaac. Why, I ha'nt been at passing a couple of months; and we have at our school two aldermen and a serjeant at law, that were full half a year before they could get out of hand. Mrs. Mech. Very true, sir. 2. Fun. There, now! Mrs. Mechlin can vouch it. And pray, ma'am, does not master allow, that, of my age, I am the most hopeful scholar he bas? Mrs. Mech. I can't but say, Mr. Isaac, that 2. Fun. Do you hear that? I wish we had but a kit, I would show you what I could do: One, two, three, ha! One, two, three, ha! There are risings and sinkings! Mrs. Mech. Ay, marry, as light as a cork. 2. Fun. An't it? Why, before next winter is over, he says he'll fit me for dancing in public; and who knows but in Lent you may see me amble at a ridotto with an opera-singer? Mrs. Mech. And I warrant he acquits himself as well as the best. 1. Fun. Mercy on me! and, pray, brother, that thing like a sword in your hand, what may the use of that implement be? 2. Fun. This "oh, this is a foil. 2. Fun. Ay, a little instrument, by which we, who are gentlemen, are instructed to kill one another. 1. Fun. To kill! Marry, heaven forbid! I hope you have no such bloody intentions. Why, brother Zac, you was used to be a peaceable man. 2. Fun. Ay, that was when I was a paltry mechanick, and afraid of the law; but now I am another-guess person; I have been in camps, cantoons, and intrenchments; I have marched over bridges and breaches; I have seen the Ezell and Wezell; I'm got as rich as a Jew; and if any man dares to affront me, I'll let him know that my trade has been fighting. |