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I. Fun. Rich as a Jew! Ah, Zac, Zac! but if 1. Fun. Why, you called him but now, Cap. you had not had another-guess trade than fight- tain Wilkins ! ing, I doubt whether you would have returned 2. Fun. Psha! You block head, I tell you the altogether so rich: but now you have got all name does not signify nothing Your servant; this wealth, why not sit down and enjoy itin quiet? shall I crave your ear for a moment? The cap

2. Fun. Hark ye, Isaac? do you purtend to tain politely replies, Your commands, good Mr. know life? are you acquainted with the beaux Fungus? Then we walk side by side-Come d'espirits of the age ?

here, Mrs. Mechlin-[ They walk up and down.] I. Fun. I don't understand you.

--for some time as civil as can be. Mind, bro2. Fun. No, I believe not; then how should ther Isaac. you know what belongs to gentility?

1. Fun. I do, I do. 1. Fun. And why not as well as you, brother 2. Fun. Hey! no t'other side, Mrs. Mechlin Zac? I hope I ain every whit as well born? -that's right---I hear, Captain Wilkins

2. Fun. Ay, Isaac, but the breeding is all; 1. Fun. I knew it was Wilkins. consider I have been a gentleman above five 2. Fun. Zounds! Isaac, be quiet-Wilkins, years and three quarters, and I think should that you have taken some liberties about, and know a little what belongs to the business; hey, concerning of me, which, damme, I don't unMrs. Mechlin ?

derstandMrs. Mech. Very true, sir.

I. Fun. Don't swear, brother Zachary. 2. Fun. And as to this foil, do you know, 2. Fun. Did over niortal hear the like of this Isaac, in what the art of fencing consists?

fellow I. Fun. How should I?

1. Fun. But you are grown such a reprobate 2. Fun. Why, it is short; there are but two since you went to the wars. rules: the first is to give your antagonist as 2. Fun. Mrs. Mechlin, stop the tongue of that many thrusts as you can; the second, to be care- blockhead! why, dunce, I am speaking by rule, ful and receive none yourself.

and Mrs. Mechlin can tell you that duels and I. Fun. But how is this to be done?

damme's go always together. 2. Fun. Oh, easy enough: for, do you see, if Mrs. Niech. O, always ! you can but divert your adversary's point from 2. Fun. Whichi

, dainme, I don't understand. the line of your body, it is impossible he ever -Liberties with you, cries the captain! where should hit you; and all this is done by a little when, and in what manner? Last Friday night, turn of the wrist, either this way or that way, in company at the St. Alban's, you called But I'll show you : John, bring me a foil. Mrs. me a buck; and moreover said, that my horis Mechlin, it will be worth your observing. Here, were exalted. Now, sir, I know very well what brother Isaac

[Offers him a foil. was your meaning by that, and therefore demand 1. Fun. Not I.

satisfaction. That, sir, is what I nerer deny to a 2. Fun. These bourgeois are are so frightful! gentleman; but as to you, Mr. Fungus, I can't Mrs. Mechlin, will you, ma'am, do me the fav- consent to give you that rank. How, sir! Do our to push at me a little? Mind, brother, when you deny my gentility ? Oh, that affront must be she thrusts at me in carte, I do so; and when she answered this instant-Draw, sir! Now push, pushes in tierce, I do so ; and by this means a Mrs. Mecblin !--[They fence. There I parry man is sure to avoid being killed. But it may tierce; there I parry carte: not be amiss, brother Isaac, to give you the pro- Hold, hold; have a care; zooks! Mrs. Mechlin! gress of a regular quarrel ; and then you will see I. Fun. Ha, ha, ha! I think you bave met what sort of a thing a gentleman is. Now I with your match; well pushed, Mrs. Mechlin. have been told, d’ye see, brother Isaac, by a 2. Fun. Ay, but instead of pushing in tierce, friend, who has a regard for my honour, that she pushed me in carte, and came so thick with Captain Jenkins, or Hopkins, or Wilkins, or her thrusts, that it was not in nature to parry what captain you please, has in public company them. called me a cuckold

1. Fun. Well, well, I am fully convinced of I. Fun. A cuckold ! But how can that be? your skill. But I think, brother Žac, you hinted because why, brother Zac, you ben't married. an intention of marrying; is that your design?

2. Fun. But as I am just going to be married, 2 Fun. Undoubtedly. that may very well happen, you know.

I. Fun. And when ? Mrs. Mech. True.

2. Hun. Why, this evening. 2. Fun. Yes, yes, the thing is natural enough. 1. Fun. So sudden! and pray, is it a secret? Well, the captain has said I am a cuckold. Upon to wbom? which, the first time I set eyes on Captain Wil 2. Fun, A secret! no; I am proud of the kins, either at Vauxhall or at Ranelagh, 1 ac- match; she brings me all that I want; her veins cost him in a courteous, genteel-like manner. full of good blood; such a family! such an alli

1. Fun. And that's more than he merits. ance ! Zooks, she has a pedigree as long as the

2. Fun. Your patience, dear Isaac–in a Mall, brother Isaac, with large trees on eacla courteous, gentleman-like manner; Captain | side, and all the boughs loaded with lords! Hopkins, your servant.

I. Fun. But has the lady no name?

re I party,

your throat?


2. Fun. Name! ay, such a name ! Lord, we 1. Fun. To have yourself and your orders conhave nothing like it in London! none of your temned by your servants? stunted little dwarfish words of one syllable; Z. Fun. No. your Watts, and your Potts, and your Trotts; 1. Fun. To see your property devoured by this rumbles through the throat like a cart with your lady's beggarly cousins, who, notwithstandbroad wheels. Mrs. Mechlin, you can pro-ing, won't vouchsafe you a vod? nounce it better than me.

2. Fun, No. Mrs. Mech. Lady Sacharissa Mackirkincrofi. I. lun. Can you be blind at her bidding, run

2. Fun. Kirkincroft ! there are a mouthtul of at her sending, come at her calling, dine by yoursyllables for you! Lincally descended from Her- self when she has bettermost company, and sleep cules Alexander Charlemagne Hannibal, Earl of six nights a-week in the garret? Glendower, prime minister to King Malcolm 1. 2. Fun, No.

I. Fun, And are all the parties agreed ? I. Fun. Why, will you dare to disobey, have

2. Fun. I can't say quite all; for the right ho- the impudence to dispute the sovereign will and nourable peer, that is to be my papa, (who, by pleasure of a lady like her? the by, is as proud as the devil) has flatly renoun 2. Fun: Ay, marry will I. ced the alliance ; calls me here in his letter Ple I. Fun. And don't you expect a whole clan of beian ; and says, if we have any children, they Andrew Ferraras, with their naked points at will turn out very little better than pye-balds.

I. Fun. And what does the gentlewoman say? 2. Fun. No.

2. Fun. The gentlewoman! Oh, the gentle I. Fun. Then you don't know half you will woman, who (between ourselves) is pretty near have to go through. as higlı as her father-but, however, my person 2. Fun. Look you, brother, I know what you has proved too hard for her pride, and I take the would be at; you don't mean I should marry at affair to be as good as concluded.

all. I. Fun. It is resolved ?

1. Fun. Indeed, brother Zachary, you wrong 2. Fun. Fixed.

I should, with pleasure see you equally I. Fun. I am sorry for it.

matched, that is, to one of your own rank and 2. Fun. Why so ? Come, come, brother Isaac condition. don't be uncasy; I have a shrewd guess at your 2. Fun. You would? I don't doubt it; but grievance; but though you may not be suffered that is a pleasure you never will bave. Look to see Lady Scracarissa at first, yet who knows you, Isaac, I have made up my mind; it is a labefore long, I may have interest enough with her dy I like, and a lady I will have; and, if you to bring it about? and, in the mean time, you say any more, I'll not be contented with that, may dine when you will with the steward.

for, damme, I will marry a duchess ! 1. Fun. You are exceedingly kind.

Enter La Fleur." 2. Fun. Mrs. Mechlin, you don't think my lady will gainsay it?

La Fleur. Le maitre pour donner d'eloquence. Mrs. Mech. By no means; it is wonderful, 2. Fun. What does the puppy say, Mrs. considering her rank, how mild and condescend- Mechlin? for, you know, I can't parle vous. ing she is : why, but yesterday, says her ladyship Mrs. Mech. The gentleman from the city, tbat to me, though, Mrs. Mechlin, it can't be supposed is to make you a speaker. that I should admit any of the Fungus into my 2. Fun. Odzooks! a special fine fellow ! let's presence

have him, 2. Fun. No, no, to be sure; not at first, as I Mrs. Mech. Faites les entres. said.

[Erit La Fleur. Mrs. Mech. Yet his brother, or any other re 1. Fun. Brother, as you are busy, I will take lation, may dine with the servants every day. another

2. Fun. Do you hear, Isaac? there's your 2. Fun. No, no, this is the finest fellow of true, inherent nobility, so humble and affable ! all; it is he that is to make me a man; and but people of real rank never have any pride ; barkye, brother? if I shou'd chance to rise in the that is only for upstarts.

state, no more words—your business is done. I. Fun. Wonderfully gracious! but here, bro I. Fun. What! I reckon some member of ther Zac, you mistake me: it is not for myself I parliament? am sorry.

2. Fun. A member ! Lord belp you, brother 2. Fun. Whom then ?

Isaac! this man is a whole senate himself. Why, I. Fun, For you. Don't

think that


it is the famous orationer that has published the wife will despise you?

book. 2. Fun. No.

1. Fun. What! Mr. Gruel ? I. Fun. Can you suppose that you will live * 2. Fun. The same. together a month?

1. Fun. Yes, I have seen his name in the 2. Fun. Yes.

1. Fun. Why, can you bear to walk about 2. Fun. His knowledge is wonderful: he has your own house like a paltry dependant? told me such secrets! why, do you kuow, Isaac, 2. Fun. No.

by what means 'tis we speak?


I. Fiin. Speak! why, we speak with our Grucl. Observe how altered by means of my mouths.

art! are you prepared in the speech on the great 2. Fun. No, we don't.

importance of trade? 1. Fun. No!

2. Fun. Pretty well, I believe. 2. Fun. No, he says we speak by means of Gruel. Let your gesticulations be chaste, and the tongue, the teeth, and the throat; and, with your muscular movements consistent. out thein, we should only bellow,

2. Fun. Never fear1. Fun. But surely the mouth2. Fun. The mouth, I tell you, is little or no

Enter JENNY und whispers Mrs. Mechlin. thing; only just a cavity for the air to pass

Mrs. Mecklin, you'll stay? through.

Mrs. Mech. A little business; I'll return in an 1. Fun. Indeed!


[Erit Mrs. Mech. 2. Fun. That's all; and when the cavity

Gruel. A little here to the left, if you please, is small, little sounds will come out; when sir; there you will only catch the profile--that's large, the great ones proceed: observe, now in right-now you will have the full force of his whistling and bawlingWhistles and bawls.] — face ; one, two, three ; now, off you go! Do you see? Oh, he is a miracul us man?

2. Fun. When I consider the vast importance 1. Fun. But of what use is all this?

of this day's debate; when I revolve the various 2. Fun. But 'tis knowledge, an't it? And vicissitudes that this soil has sustained; when I of what signification is that, you fool ? And ponder what our painted progenitors were, and then as to use, why, he can make me speak in what we, their civilized successors, are : when a manner he pleases; as a lawyer, a merchant, I reflect, that they fed on crab'apples and

chesnuts a country gentleman ; whatever the subject requires--But here he is.

Gruel. Pignuts, good sir, if you please.

2. Fun. You are right--crab apples and pigEnter MR. GRUEL.

nuts; and that we feast on green pease and on

custards : when I trace, in the recording historiMr. Gruel, your servant; I have been holding cal page, that their floods gave them nothing but forth in your praise.

frogs, and now know we have fish by land-carGruel. I make no doubt, Mr. Fungus; but to riage, I am lost in amazement at the prodigious your declamation or recitation (as Quiutilian power of commerce. Hail

, commerce ! daughmore properly terms it), I shall be indebted for ter of industry, consort to credit, parent of opuinuch future praise, inasmuch as the reputation lence, full sister to liberty, and great grandmother of the scholar does (as I may say) confer or ra

to the art of navigationther, as it were, reflect a marvellous kind of lus

1. Fun. Why, this gentlewoman has a peditre on the fame of the master himself.

gree as long as your wife's brother Zac! 2. Fun. There, Isaac, didst ever hear the

2. Fun. Pr’ythee, Isaac, be quiet; art of navilike? He talks just as if it were all out of a gation-a-a-vigitation—Zooks,

that fellow book : What would you give to be able to utter has put me quite out ! such words.

Gruel. It matters not; this day's performance I. Fun. And what should I do with them? has largely fulfilled your yesterday's promise. Them holiday terms would not pass in my shop; 2. Fun. But I han't half done, the best is to there's no buying and selling with them.

come ; let me just give him that part about Gruel. Your observation is pithy and per-turn-pegs—for the sloughs, the mires, the tinent. Different stations, different idioms de- ruts, the impassible hogs, that the languid, but mand; polished periods accord ill with the

generous steed travelled through; he now pricks inouths of inechanics; but as that tribe is per- up his ears, he neighs, he canters, he capers mitted to circulate a baser kind of coin, for the

through a whole region of turn-pegs. ease and convenience of inferior traffick, so it is

Enter MRS. MECHLIN. indulged with a vernacular or vitious vulgar phraseology, to carry on their interlocutory com Mrs. Mech. Your riding-master is below. merce. But I doubt, sir, I soar above the region 2. Fun. Gadso! then here must end.of your comprehension?

You'll pardon me, good Mr. Gruel; for as ! İ. Fun. Why, if you would come down a step want to be a finished gentleman as soon as

I or two, I can't say but I should understand you can, it is impossible for me to stick long to any the better.

one thing. 2. Fun. And I too.

Gruel. Sir, though your exit is rather abrupt, Gruel. Then to the familiar I fall : If the gen- yet the multiplicity of your avocations do (as I tleman has any ambition to shine at a vestry, a may say) in some measure cicatrize the otherwise common-hall, or even a convivial club, I can mortal wound on this occasion sustained by desupply him with ample materials. I. Fun. No, I have no such desire.

2. Fun. Cicatrize! I could hear him all day. Gruel. Not to lose time—your brother here He is a wonderful man! Well, Mr. Gruel, to(for such I find the gentleman is), in other re morrow we will at it again. spects a cominon man like yourself

Gruel. You will find me prompt at your 2. Fun. No better.

slightest volition.





2. Fun. I wish, brother Isaac, I could have

Enter Dr. CATGUT. staid ; you should have heard me oration away, like a lawyer, about pleadings and presidents ;

Dr. Cat. Madam Mechlin, your humble. I but all in good time [Exit Z. Funges. have madam, received a couple of compliments

Mrs. Mech. This gentleman, sir, will gain train your mansion this morning ; one I find you vast credit,

from å lodger of yours; the other, I presume, Gruel. Yes, madam, the capabilities of the from your niece; but for the last, I rather supgentleman, I confess, are enormous; and as to pose I am indebted to you. you I am indebted for this promising pupil, you

Mrs. Mech. Me! Indeed, doctor, you are will permit me to expuge the obligatior. by an widely mistaken : I assure you, since your busiinstantaneous and gratis lecture on that species ness broke out, I have never set eyes of her of eloquence peculiar to ladies.

Mrs. Mech. Oh, sir, I bave no sort of occa Dr. Cat. Then I am falsely informed. sion.

Mrs. Mech. But after all you must own it is Gruel. As to that biped, man (for such I de- but what you deserve : I wonder, doctor, you sign bim to be), a male or masculine manner be- don't leave of these tricks. long

Dr. Cat. Why, what can I do, Mrs. Mechlin? Mrs. Mech. Any other time, good Mr. Gruel. My constitution requires it. Gruel. So, to that biped, woman, slie parti

Mrs. Mech. Indeed! I should not have cipating of his general nature, the word homo, in thought it. Latin, being promiscuously used as woman, or

Dr. Cat. Then the dear little devils are so

desperately fond. Mrs. Mech. For Heaven's sake.

Mrs. Moch. Without doubt. Gruel. But being cast in a more tender and Dr. Cat. And for frolic, firtation, diligence, delicate mould

dress, and address. Mrs. Mech. Sir, I have twenty people in wait Mrs. Mech. To be sure. ing

Dr Cat. For what you call genuine gallantry, Gruel. The soft suppliant, insinuating gra- few men, I flatter myself, will be found that can

match me. Mrs. Mech. I must insist

Mrs. Mech. Oh, that' a point given up. Gruel. De appertain (as I may say) in a more Dr. Cat. Iarkye, Molly Mechlin; let me pepeculiar or particular manner.

rish, child, you look divinely to-day. Mrs. Mech. Nay then

Mrs. Mech. Indeed ! Gruel. Her rank in the order of entities Dr. Cat. But that I have two or three affairs

Mrs. Mech. I must thrust you out of my on my hands, I should be positively tempted to house.

trifle with thee a little. Gruel. Not calling her forth

Mrs. Mech. Ay, but doctor, consider I am Mrs. Mech. Was there ever such a

not of a trifling age; it would be only losing [Pushing him out. your time.

Dr. Cat. Ha, so ccy! But a-propos, Molly, Enter GRUEL.

this lodger of yours; who is he, and what does Grueh To those eminent, hazardous, and (as he want? I may say) perilous conflicts which so often. Mrs. Mech. You have heard of the great

Mrs. Alech. Get down stairs, and be hanged Mr. Fungus. to you !--[Pushes him out].-- There he goes as I

Dr. Cut. Well! live, from the top to the bottom ! I hope I han't Mrs. Mech. Being informed of your skill and done him a mischief: you ar’n’t hurt, Mr. Gruel? abilities, he has sent for you to teach bim to No, all's safe ; I hear him going on with his sing: speech; an impertinent puppy!

Dr. Cat. Me teach him to sing ! What, does 1. Fun. Impertinent indeed ; I wonder all the scoundrel mean to affront me? those people don't turn your head, Mrs. Mech

Mrs. Mech. Affront you ! lin.

Dr. Cat. Why, don't you know, child, that I Mrs. Mech. Oh, I am pretty well used to have quitted that paltry profession? them. But who comes here? Mr. Isaac, if you

Mrs. Mech Not I. will step into the next room, I have someting to

Dr. Cut, Oh, entirely renounced it. communicate that well deserves your attention.

Mrs. llech. Then what may you follow at ]Èxit I. FUNGUs, present ?

Dr. Cat. Me! nothing ; I am a poet my Enter Simon.

dear. Sim. Dr. Catgut at the foot of the stairs. Mrs. Mech. A poet!

Mrs. Msech. The devil he is! What can have Dr. Cat. A poet. The muses; you know I brought him at this time of day? Watch, Simon, was always fond of the ladies. I suppose you that nobody comes up whilst he is here.---[Erit have heard of Shakspeare, and Shadwell, of Simon.}-i hope he has not heard of the pretty Tom Brown, and of Milton and Hudibrass present we sent him to day.

Mrs. Mech. I have.

Dr. Cat. I shall blast all their laurels, by Gad!, sirous to learn all kinds of things, I can't help I have just given the public a taste, but there's a thinking but he will take a fancy to this. bellv-full for them in my larder at home.

Dr. Cat. In that case, he may command me, Mrs. Mech. Upon my word, you surprise my dear; and I promise you, in a couple of me; but pray,

is poetry a trade to be learned ? months, he shall know as much of the matter as Dr. Cat. Doubtless. Capital as I am, I have I do. not acquired it above a couple of years.

Airs. Mech. At present he is a little engaged ; Mrs. Nech. And could you communicate but as soon as the honey moon is overyour art to another?

Dr. Cat. lloney moon ! Wły, is he going to Dr. Cat. To be sure. Why I have here in my

be married ? pocket, my dear, a whole folio of rhymes, from Mrs. Mech. This evening I fancy. 2 quite to great A. Let us see; A, ay, here it Dr. Cat. The finest opportunity in nature for begins, A, ass, pass, grass, mass, lass; and so an introduction: I bave by me, ma'am Mechlin, quite through the alphabet down to Z. Zounds, of my own composition, such an epithalmium-! grounds, mounds, pounds, hounds.

Virs. Mech.' Thaimium, what's that? Mrs. Mech. And what do you do with those Dr. Cat. A kind of an elegy, that we poets rhymes

compose at the solemnization of weddings. Dr. Cat. Oh, we supply them !

Mrs. Alech. Oh, bo ! Mrs Alech. Supply them.

Dr. Cat. It is set to music already, for I still Dr. Cat. Ay! fill then up, as I will show compose

for myself. you. Last week, in a ramble to Dulwich, I made Mrs. Mech. You do! these rhymes into a duet for a new comic opera

Dr. Cat. What think you, now, of providing I have on the stocks. Mind, for I look upon the a band, and serenading the 'squire to-night si words as a model for that sort of writing.- will be a pretty extempore compliment. First, she:

Mrs. Mech. The prettiest thought in the world.

But I hear Mr. Fungus's bell. You'll excuse me, There to see the sluggish ass,

dear doctor : you may suppose we are busy. Thro' the meadows as we pass,

Dr. Cat. No apology then ; I'll about it this Eating up the farıner's grass,

instant, Blyth and merry by the mass,

Mrs. Mech. As soon as you please. Any As a lively country lass.

thing to get you out of the way.

[adside, and erit. Mrs. Mech. Very pretty !

Dr. Cat. Your obsequious, good madain Dr. Cat. A'n't it? then be replies:

Mechlin. But notwithstanding all your fine

speeches, I shrewdly suspect my blessed barHear the Farmer cry out, Zounds : gain at home was a present from you; and what As he trudges through the grounds, shall I do with it -These little embarrasses Yonder beast has broke my mounds; we men of intrigue are eternally subject to.If the parish has no pounds,

There will be no sending it back ; she will never Kill, and give him to the hounds.

let it enter the house-Hey, gad! a lucky

thought is come into my head-this serenade is Then da capo, both join in repeating the last finely contrived-Madam Mechlin shall bave stanza ; and this tacked to a tolerable tune, her cousin again, for I will return her byewill run you for a couple of months. You ob- blow in the body of a double base viol ; so serve ?

the bawd shall have a concert as well as the Mrs. Mech. Clearly; as our gentleman is de 'squire. —

[Erit Dr. CATGUT,


SCENE I.-Mrs. Mechlin's House.

Young Love. I did. Enter HARPY, YOUNG LOVEit, and Jenny.

Har. And Robin Rainbow, the happy hus

band of the widow Champansy, from the Isle of Har. Tell your mistress iny name is Harpy; St. Kitts. she knows me, and how precious my time is. Young Love. I have seen him. Jen. Mr. Harpy, the Attorney of Furnival's Jon? Har. All owing to her. Her success in that

Har. The same.[Erit Jenny.) Ay, ay, branch of business is wonderful! Why I dare young gentleman, this is your woman ; I warrant believe since last summer, she has not sent off your business is done. You knew Kitty Wil- less than forty couple to Edinburgh. sains. that married Mr. Abednego Potiphar, the Young Love. Indeed ! she must be very adJew-broker?


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