Jul. In good truth, not I, sir! Squib. No! then so much the better! I warrant little Pozy does. Well, adieu, my brave boys! for I have not an instant to lose. Not understand me, hey? Apozem, you do, you rogue? What senna, rhubarb, or-hey, can Scour these Sc- -Egad, I had like to have gone too far! Well, bye, bye! [Exit SqUIB. Jul. Why the poor man seems out of his senses! Apo. When he talked of throwing physic to the dogs, I confess I began to suspect him. But we shall be late; we must attend our summons, you know. Jul. Throw physic to the dogs! I can tell thee, Apozem, if he does not getcured of these fancies and freaks, he is more likely to go to the kennel by half. Throw physic to the dogs! an impertinent ignorant puppy! [Exeunt. Enter LAST, with a pair of shoes. Madam Tyth'em, believing her husband was dead, directly sent the sexon for I. Devil. An affectionate wife! Last. Yes; they are a main happy couple.Sure as a gun, master, when I comed, his face was as black as his cassock: but howsomdever, I took out my lancelot, and forthwith opened a large artifice here in one of the juglers. The doctor bled like a pig. I Devil. I dare say. Last. But it did the business howsomdever; compassed the job. Devil. What, he recovered? Last. Recovered! Lord help you! why, but last Sunday was se'ennight-to be sure, the doctor is given to weeze a little, because why, he is main opulent, and apt to be tisicky--but he composed as sweet a discourse-I slept from beginning to end. Devil. That was composing indeed! Last. Ay, warn't it, master, for a man that is strucken in years? Devil. Oh, a wonderful effort! Lust. Well, like your worship, and besides all this I have been telling you, I have a pretty tight hand at a tooth. Devil. Indeed! Last. Ay; and I'll say a bold word, that, in drawing a thousand I never stumpt a man in my life now, let your Rusperni's and all your Last. Pray, good gentlemen, can you tell a foreign mounseers, with their fine dainty freechbody which is the ready road to find Warwick-es, say the like if they can. lane? Devil. Warwick-lane, friend! and, pr'ythee, what can be thy errand there? Last. I am going there, to take out a licence to make me a doctor, an like your worship. Devil. Where do you live? Last. A little way off in the country, Devil. Your name, honest friend, and your business? Last. My name, master, is Last; by trade, I am a doctor, and, by profession, a maker of shoes: I was born to the one, and bred up to the other. Devil. Born! I don't understand you ! Last. Why, I am a seventh son, and so were my father. Devil. Oh, a very clear title! and pray, now in which branch does your skill chiefly lie? Last. By casting a water, I cure the jaundarse; I taps folks for a tenpenny; and have a choice charm for the agar; and over and above that, master I bleeds. Devil. Bleeds! and are your neighbours so bold as to trust you? Devil. I defy them. Last. So you may. Then, about a dozen years ago, before these here Suttons made such a noise, I had some thoughts of occupying for the small-pox. Devil. Ay; that would have wound up your bottom at once. And why did not you? Last. Why, I don't know, master; the neighbours were frightful, and wonld not consent; otherwise, by this time, 'tis my belief, men, women, and children, I might have occupied twenty thousand at last. Devil. Upon my word! But, you say a dozen years, Master Last? As you have practised physic without permission so long, what makes you now think of getting a licence? Lust. Why, it is all along with one Lotion, a pottercarrier, that lives in a little town hard by we; he is grown old and lascivious, I think, and threatens to present me at size, if so be I practise any longer. Devil. What, I suppose you run away with the business? Last. Trust me! ay, master, that they will, Last. Right, master! you have guessed the sooner than narra a man in the country. May-matter at once. So, I was telling my tale to hap, you may know Dr. Tyth'em, our rector, at home? Devil. I can't say that I do. Last. He's the flower of a man in the pulpit. Why, t'other day, you must know, taking a turn in his garden, and thinking of nothing at all, down falls the doctor flat in a fit of perplexity: Sawney M'Gregor, who comes now and then to our town, with his pack; God, he advised me to get made a doctor at once, and send for a diplunimy from Scotland. Devil. Why, that was the right road, Master that I can get it done for pretty near the same price here in London; so I had rather, d'ye see, lay out my money at home, than transport it to foreign parts, as we say; because why, master, I thinks there has too much already gone that road. Devil. Spoke like an Englishman! Last. I have a pair of shoes here, to carry home to farmer Fallow's son, that lives with Master Grogram, the mercer, hard by here, in Cheapside; so I thought I might as well do both businesses under one. Devil. True! Your way, Master Last, lies before you; the second street you must turn to the left; then, enter the first great gate that you see. Last. And who must I ask for? Devil. Oh, pull out your purse; you will find that hint sufficient: It is a part of the world where a fee is never refused. Last. Thank you, master! You are main kind; very civil, indeed! [Going, returns.] I wish, master, you had now either the agar or jaundarse; I would set you right in a trice. Devil. Thank you, Master Last! but I am as well as I am. Last. Or, if so be you likes to open a vein, or would have a tooth or two knocked out of your head, I'll do it for nothing. Devil. Not at present, I thank you! when I want, I'll call at your house in the country.[Exit. LAST.] Well, my young couple, and what say you now? Ino. Say, sir! that I am more afraid of being sick, than ever I was in my life. Devil. Pho! you know nothing as yet. But my time draws nigh for possessing the president; If I could but get some intelligent person, to conduct you to the place where the licentiates assemble-There seems a sober, sedate-looking lad; perhaps, he may answer our purpose.Hark ye, young man? Enter JOHNY MACPHERSON. Mac. What's your wul, sir? would you spear aught wi' me? Devil. Though I think I can give a good guess, pray, from what part of the world may you come? Mac. My name is Johney Macpherson, and I came out of the north. Devil. Are you in business at present? Mac. I canna say that, sir, nor that I am inteerely dastitute neither; but I shall be unco glad to get a mair solid establishment. Devil. Have you been long in this town? Mac. Aboot a month awa, sir: I launded fra Leith, in the guide ship the Traquair, Davy Donaldson, maister, and am lodged with Sawney Sinclair, at the sign o'the city of Glascow, not far fra the Monument. Devil. But you are in employment? Mac. Ay, for some part of the day. Devil. And to what may your profits a mount? Mac. Ah, for the matter of that, it is a pratty smart little income. Devil. Is it a secret how much? Mac. Not at aw; I get three-pence an hour for larning Latin to a physician in the ceety. Devil. The very man that we want. Latin! and, what, are you capable? Mac. Cappable! Hut awa, mon! Ken ye, that I was heed of the humanity-class for mair than a twalvemonth? and was offered the chair of the grammatical professorship in the colledge, which amunts to a matter of sax pounds British a year. Devil. That's more than I knew. Can you guess, sir, where your scholar is now ? Mac. It is na long, sir, that I laft him conning his As in præsenti; after which, he talked of ganging to meet some friends o' the faculty, aboot a sort of a squabble, that he says is sprang up amang them; he wanted me to gang alang wi him, as I had gi'n mysel to study madicine a little before I quitted the north. Devil. Do you know the public-house where they meet? Mac. Yes, yes; unco weel, sir; it is at the tavern the south side of Paul's Kirk. Devil. Will you take the trouble to conduct this young couple thither? they will amply reward you. You and your partner will follow this lad. Fear nothing! by my art, you are invisible to all but those that you desire should see you.- At the college we shall rejoin one another :- -for thither the licentiates will lead you. Inv. But how shall we be able to distinguish you from the rest of the fellows? Devil. By my large wig, and superior importance; in a word, you must look for me in the PRESIDENT. [Exeunt. Inv. Adieu! ACT III. SCENE I-A Street. FINGERFEE, SLIGO, OSASAFRAS, BROADBRIM, other Doctors, and MACPHERSON, discovered. Fin. No; I can't help thinking this was by much the best method. If, indeed, they refuse us an amicable entrance, we are then justified in the use of of corrosives. Sligo. I tell you, Dr. Fingerfee-I am sorry, d'ye see, to differ from so old a practitionerbut I don't like your prescription at all, at all; For, what signifies a palliative regimen, with such a rotten constitution! May I never finger a pulse as long as I live, if you get their voluntary consent to go in, unless, indeed, it be by compulsion. Osas. I entirely coincide with my very capable countryman, Dr. Sligo, d'ye sce; and do give my advice, in this consultation, for putting the whole college under a course of steel without further delay.. Sli. I am much obligated to you for your kind compliment, doctor. But, pray, what may your name be? Osas. Dr. Osasafras, at your humble service. Sli. I am your very obadient, alsho! I have heard tell of your name. But what did you mane by my countryman? Pray, doctor, of what nation are you? Osas. Sir, I have the honour to be a native of Ireland? Sli. Osasafas? that's a name of no note; he is not a Melisian, I am sure. The family, I suppose, came over t'other day with Strongbow, not above seven or eight hundred years ago; or, perhaps, a descendant from one of Oliver's drummers 'Pon my conscience, doctor, I should hardly belave you were Irish! Osas, What, sir, d'ye doubt my veracity? Sli. Not at all, my dear doctor! it is not for that: but, between me, and yourself, you have lived a long time in this town. Osas. Like enough. hair? I don't recollect to have seen his features before. Osas. Nor I, to my knowledge. Sli. Perhaps, he may be able to tell me, if I ask him himself. I am proud to see, you, doctor, on this occasion; because why, it becomes every jontleman that is of the faculty—that is, that is not of their faculty, you understand me? to look about him and stir. Mac. Oh, by my troth, you are right, sir! The leemiting of physic aw to ae hoose, caw it a college, or by what denomination you wul, it is at best but establishing a sort of monopoly. Sli. 'Pon my conscience, that is a fine observation. By the twist of your tongue, doctor, (no offence) I should be apt to guess that you might be a foreigner born. Mac. Sirr ! Sli. From Russia, perhaps, or Muscovy? Mac. Hut awa, mon! not at aw! Zounds, I am a Breeton! Sli. Then, I should suppose, doctor, pretty far to the northward. Mac. Ay; you are right, sir. Sli. And pray, doctor, what particular branch of our business may have taken up the most of your time? Mac. Botany. Sli. Botany! in what college? Mac. The university of St. Andrews. Osas. Pray, doctor, is not botany a very dry sort of a study? Sli. Most damnably so in those parts, my dear doctor; for all the knowledge they have, they must get from dried herbs, because the devil of any green that will grow there. Mac. Sir, your information is wrang. Sli. Come, my dear doctor, hold your palaver, and don't be after puffing on us; because why, you know in your conscience that in your part of the world you get no cabbage but thistles; and those you are obliged to raise upon hotbeds. Mac. Thistles! zounds, sir, d'ye mean to af Sli. Ay and was here a great while before front me? ever I saw it. Osas. What of that? Sli. Very well, my dear doctor! Then, putting that and t'other together, my notion of the upshot is, that if so be you are a native of Ireland, upon my conscience, you must have been born there very young. Sli. That, doctor, is as you plaases to take it. Mac. God's life, sir, I would ha' you to ken, that there is narra a mon wi' his heed upon his shoulders that dare Fin. Peace, peace, gentlemen! let us have no civil discord. Doctor Sligo is a lover of pleasantry; but, I am sure, had no design to affront Osas. Young? ay, to be sure! Why, my soul, you: A joke, nothing else. I was christened there. Sli. Ay! Osas. Ay was I, in the county of Meath. Sli. Oh, that alters the property! that makes it as clear as Fleet-Ditch. I should be glad, countryman, of your nearer acquaintance. But what little slim doctor is that, in his own head of Mac. A joke! ah; I like a joke weel enough; but I did na understand the doctor's gibing and jeering: Perhaps my wut may not be aw together as sharp as the doctor's, but I have a sword, sir Sli. A sword, sir! Fin. A sword! ay, ay; there is no doubt you Hab. Pardon me, doctor! I cannot attend you. Sli. What, d'ye draw back when it comes to the push? Hab. Not at all; I would gladly join in putting these Philistines to flight; for I abhor them worse than hog's puddings, in which the unclean beast and the blood are all jumbled together. Sli. Pretty food, for all that. Hab. But this is Saturday; and I dare not draw my sword on the Sabbath. Sli. Then stay with your brother Melchisedech; for, though of different religions, you are both of a kidney. Come, doctors; out with your swords! Huzza! and now for the lane! Huzza! [Exeunt. Broad. Friend Habakkuk, thou seest how headstrong and wilful these men are; but let us use discretion, however. Wilt thou step to the inn that taketh its name from the city of Lincoln? enquire there for a man, with a red rag at his back, a small black cap on his pate, and a bushel of hair on his breast? I think they call him a Sli. Paw, honey, what signifies hearing? I long serjeant. to be doing, my jewel! Fin. But hear Dr. Melchisedech Broadbrim, however. All. Ay, ay; hear Dr. Broadbrim. Broad. Fellow-labourers in the same vineyard! ye know well how much I stand inclined to our cause; forasmuch as not one of my brethren can be more zealous than I All. True, true. Broad. But ye wot also that I hold it not meet or wholesome to use carnal weapon, even for the defence of myself; much more unseemly, then, must I deem it, to draw the sword for the offending of others. Sli. Paw! brother doctors; don't let him bother us with his yea and nay nonsense! Broad. Friend Sligo, do not be choleric; and know that I am as free to draw my purse, in this cause, as thou art thy sword; And thou wilt find, at the length, notwithstanding thy swaggering, that the last will do us best service. Sli. Well, but All. Hear him, hear him! Broad. It is my motion, then, brethren, that we do forthwith send for a sinful man in the flesh, called an attorney. Sli. An attorney! Broad. Ay, an attorney; and that we do direct him to take out a parchment instrument, with a seal fixed thereto. Sli. Paw, pox! what good can that do? Broad. Don't be too hasty, friend Sligo. And therewith, I say, let him possess the outward tabernacle of the vain man, who delighteth to call himself president, and carry him before the men clothed in lambskin, who, at Westminster, are now sitting in judgment. Sli. Paw! a law-suit! that won't end with our lives. Let us march! All. Ay, ay. Hab. They do. Broad. Then, without let or delay, bring him hither I pray thee. Hab. I will about it this instant. Broad. His admonition, perhaps, may prevail. Use dispatch, I beseech thee, friend Habakkuk. Hab. As much as if I was posting to the Treasury, to obtain a large subscription in a new loan, or a lottery. Broad. Nay, then, friend, I have no reason [Exeunt. to fear thee. SCENE II.-The College. DEVIL, [as HELLEBORE, the President.] CAMPHIRE, CALOMEL, Secretary, and Pupils, discovered. Sec. The Licentiates, sir, will soon be at hand. Hel. Let them! Cal. We will do our duty however; and, like the patricians of old, receive with silence these Visigoths in the senate. Hel. I am not, Dr. Calomel, of so pacific a turn. Let us keep the evil out of doors, if we can: if not, vim vi, repel force by force-Barricado the gates! Sec. It is done. Hel. Are the buckets and fire-engine fetched from St. Dunstan's ? Sec. They have been here, sir, this half-hour. Hel. Let twelve apothecaries be placed at the pump, and their apprentices supply them with ed a proper defence, let us coolly proceed to our business. Is there any body here, to demand a licence to-day? Sec. A practitioner, Mr. President out of the country. Hel. Are the customary fees all discharged? Sec. All, sir. Hel. Then let our censors, Dr. Christopher Camphire, and Dr. Cornelius Calomel, introduce the practitioner for examination. [Exeunt CAMPHIRE and CALOMEL. After this duty is dispatched, we will then read the college and students a lecture. Enter CAMPHIRE and CALOMEL, with LAST. Last. First, let me lay down my shoes. [They advance, with three bows, to the table. Hel. Let the candidate be placed on a stool. What's the doctor's name? Sec. Emanuel Last, Mr. President. Hel. Dr. Last, you have petitioned the college, to obtain a licence for the practice of physic; and though we have no doubt of your great skill and abilities, yet our duty compels us previously to ask a few questions: What academy had the honour to form you? called in to a patient with a pain in his bowels, what then is your method of practice? Last. I claps a trencher hot to the part. Hel. Embrocation; very well! But if this application should fail, what is the next step that you take? Last. I gi's a vomit and a purge. Hel. Well replied! for it is plain there is a disagreeable guest in the house; he has opened both doors; if he will go out at neither, it is none of his fault. All. Oh, no! by no means! Hel. We have now dispatched the middle, and head: Come we finally to the other extremity, the feet! Are you equally skilful in the disorders incidental to them? Last. I believe I may. Hel. Name some. Last. I have a great vogue all our way for curing of corns. Hel. What are the means that you use? Hel. Well replied! extirpation: No better method of curing can be. Well, brethren, I think we may now, after this strict and impartial inquiry, safely certify, that Dr. Last, from top to toe, is an able physician, All. Very able, very able, indeed! Hel. And every way qualified to proceed in his practice. All. Every way qualified. Hel. You may descend, Dr. Last. [LAST takes his seat among them.] Secretary, first read, and then give the doctor his licence. Sec. [Reads.] "To all whom these presents may come, greeting. Know ye, that, after a most strict and severe inquisition, not only into the great skill and erudition, but the morals of Dr. Emanuel Last. We are authorised to grant unto the said doctor, full power, permission, and licence, to pill, bolus, lotion, potion, druught, dose, drench, purge, bleed, blister, clister, cup, scarify, syringe, salivate, couch, flur, sweat, diet, dilute, tap, plaster, and poultice, all persons, in all diseases, of all ages, conditions, and Hel. And pray, of what materials may that sexes. And we do strictly command and enjoin charm be composed? Last. I wont tell; 'tis a secret. all surgeons, apothecaries, with their apprentices, all midwives, male, female, and nurses, at Hel. Well replied! the college has no right all times, to be aiding and assisting to the said to pry into secrets. All. Oh, no! by no means! Hel. But now, Dr. Last, to proceed in due form; are you qualified to administer remedies to such diseases as belong to the head? Last. I believe I may. Hel. Name some to the college. Last. The tooth-ache. Dr. Emanuel Last. And we do further charge all mayors, justices, aldermen, sheriffs, bailiffs, headboroughs, constables, and coroners, not to molest or intermeddle with the said doctor, if any party whom he shall pill, bolus, lotion, potion, draught, dose, drench, purge, bleed, blister, clister, cup, scarify, syringe, salivate, couch, flux, sweat, diet, dilute, tap, plaster, and poul Hel. What do you hold the best method to tice, should happen to die, but to deem that treat it? Last. I pulls 'em up by the roots. the said party died a natural death, anything appearing to the contrary notwithstanding. Hel. Well replied, brothers! that, without Given under our hands, &c." Hercules Helledoubt, is a radical cure. All. Without doubt. Hel. Thus far as to the head: proceed we next to the middle; When, Dr. Last, you are bore, Cornelius Calomel, Christopher Camphire. Last. Then, if a patient die, they must not say that I killed him? Hel. They say? Why, how should they know, |